He Chose Me

Hi, this is Bernie Dake. Welcome to the Salvation Army's Words of Life. Welcome back to the Salvation Army's Words of Life. I'm here with co-host Bernie Dake. Welcome, Bernie. Thank you, Cheryl.

It's good to be back. And as we continue to follow along with Susie Erickson's book, Barefoot Cinderella's, today will be in Chapter 9. In this chapter, Susie shares some of the hang-ups and baggage she started to bring into her own marriage and what she learned from that experience. Yeah, this week my husband and I happened to be a part of this particular series, and it was really a good opportunity for us to kind of share with the listeners how our journey began in marriage, with some of our unrealistic expectations that we had going into marriage, then what that looked like when our unrealistic expectations met our reality, and some conflicts that we had because of it, but how we kind of got through that.

And it was a joy to be able to share some of those personal stories and be able to share with our listeners. Sometimes being vulnerable is difficult for people because you're kind of exposing, in a sense, an old wound. But I love to think of it this way. We're not sharing an old wound. We're actually celebrating a victory. And when we can get past that, that is us giving God the ultimate strength, because He says when we surrender to Him, that's when His strength is made perfect.

It's in our weakness. So when you feel weak about something or you've come through a trial, you can use that for His glory. Absolutely. I felt like we did celebrate that together as we were sharing. And also our hope is that as we share, it's like we've said in previous episodes, that our own life story is going to help someone else get through what they're going through.

So I think in particular, this episode is a very special episode. And it's one that would be very beneficial for newly married or engaged couples to hopefully learn a few things that we've learned the hard way. Hello, I'm Major Susie Erickson from the Salvation Army. And today I'm in the studio with some of my favorite people. I have my husband, David, with me this morning. Good morning. And then I also have our good friends, Majors Tim and Cheryl Gillum in the studio with us today as well. Good morning.

Good morning. And we've been friends for a long time. We were talking about some of our big milestones in life that we have been through in recent years.

You guys have been a part of that. And so I think that's one of the reasons it's so special for us to be here today and to be really talking about marriage. And not just marriage, but being partners in marriage and ministry. And I don't know about you guys, but throughout Barefoot Cinderella's, I talk about my life journey. And in Chapter 9, I talk about marriage and how I came to marriage really with this unrealistic expectation of what marriage was. I think in my mind, I had this fairytale of what I thought it was going to be. And I think that we all come to marriage with that.

One of the quotes from the book is scammed. I fell for the false advertisement of the fairytale life, which magically appears when a fairy godmother sprinkles glitter over your head as you say the words I do. The glitter got in my eyes and distorted my vision of marriage soon after the honeymoon. And I'm just wondering, am I the only one? Or was that your experience as well?

Yeah. I mean, I think that I went into marriage the same as you did. I had this dream of a knight in shining armor that would come and take care of me and everything would be great, you know, just like a Hallmark movie. And very soon after, I would say for me, it was after the birth of our first child.

I think that false narrative collided with reality. And I soon realized I was faced with my own insecurities and a whole bunch of things that just kind of came up and realized that marriage was so much more than what I had anticipated. Well, I'm still shocked that Cheryl doesn't think I'm her knight in shining armor.

Just kidding. I grew up in a very sheltered home. My mom and dad to this day still love each other very much, but I never saw them argue.

I never saw them fight. So I went into marriage thinking that that's how it was in reality. And so I would say the week after our honeymoon, we had our first big blowout. That was a shock to my system.

Like how in the world? We're doing something wrong if we can't see eye to eye 24-7. I went into marriage thinking that it was going to be romance all the time and everything was going to be hunky-dory and realized quickly that it took a lot of work to make this thing a reality, make this marriage work. In the book, I give little secrets of life throughout the entire book. And in this particular chapter, here's a secret.

You will never feel loved enough by your marriage partner until you know the depth of God's love for you. And I grew up in a situation with an alcoholic brother and the one thing that I wanted the most was control and to live in a home that there was no drama. And so anytime there was this sense of things getting out of control, whether it was in our finances or we were dealing with a crisis in ministry, I felt like I needed to be at the helm of the decision making in all aspects of life and ministry. David works very differently than I do. He likes to work alone and is gifted to deal with very difficult circumstances.

And so he will often carry burdens alone. And I wanted someone to do that, to be the knight in shining armor. But at the same time, I didn't trust him to be the knight in shining armor. And I needed that trust. I needed her to trust me. But as we discovered, her fears of calamity that she speaks of in the book was paralyzing me to be open and honest and to share things that were of concern to me because I knew of that fear she had of calamity. And sometimes those honesty things could be seen as that and it would cause her to worry, which to me would interfere with my aspect of protecting her. We talk about expectations of our spouse, but sometimes our own expectations of ourselves are unrealistic as well. Here we are, the four of us, two Christian couples who are in full-time ministry. And sometimes we're afraid to talk about the tough things. Early on in our marriage, if we're honest, there were days we didn't know if we were going to make it as a married couple. And that's hard to say when you are a minister of the gospel. There was a time when Cheryl was looking at plane tickets to go fly back to her parents.

I was looking at polishing my resume and putting a portfolio together to go in another direction with my vocation and my calling. And I think it's important for us to talk about these things, not only to each other, but with other people as well, because we can set unrealistic expectations of ourselves. And it took a long time for me to understand that what I was feeling is not out of the ordinary. It's really normal among married couples, even those who are Christians and in the ministry. And so it's taken a long time. This year, Cheryl and I will have been married for 27 years, and we're still learning about each other. We still have a lot to learn about this thing called marriage. And I love what you write in your book, Suzie.

In fact, I wrote it down. God's intent is not happiness, but holiness. Not comfort, but transformation. And I can attest that I think I'm a holier man today because of my marriage with Cheryl. God has transformed me as an individual because of this union I share with Cheryl and with the Lord.

And in just a few weeks, David and I will celebrate 32 years of marriage. And one of the things that's so true, what you said, that marriage, truly, the intent is to make us more like Christ and to make us holy. The unmet expectations colliding with the reality of where we are, again, is that iron sharpening iron in a way, transforming us as individuals, which has made our marriage sweeter. It's made it more powerful. It has made it into something that is holy. And that's been, actually, that's been a joy to see.

I look back at those very first couple of years and where we are now to see how God has truly transformed us individually. And out of that has come a holy marriage. This has been such a rich time for David and I to sit down with the two of you. I want to thank you for sharing today from your hearts and from your marriage. Marriage is so personal and intimate, and it is often difficult to invite people into those intimate spaces. And I experienced that in the writing of this book.

And every day, David, poor guy, he had to be the guy that listened to this over and over and over in different forms of manuscript. But this partnership of what do you give me permission to share, because it is such an intimacy that we share in marriage. But there are so many listeners today who need to hear that there are other partners in ministry and marriage that are experiencing the same thing that they are.

So what would you say to them today? Marriage is very hard work, but it's worth it. Last fall, I redid my rule of life. And in that rule of life, I've built in some components for us as a married couple.

Weekly dates, quarterly overnights. We have a non-negotiable. We don't go to bed at night until we pray together. And we try to incorporate our kids, even our adult kids, in that as well. So marriage takes a lot of work.

It takes both giving a hundred percent. And so I say do the hard work and then reap the benefits and the blessings. For me, I would say that similar to what we've kind of discussed, marriage can be a bumpy road. It's not a smooth road. There are challenges. There are difficulties.

But if you commit yourself to the partnership of marriage and work through it, the victory, the joys are insurmountable. The Salvation Army's mission, Doing the Most Good, means helping people with material and spiritual needs. You become a part of this mission every time you give to the Salvation Army. Visit salvationarmyusa.org to offer your support.

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