Replanting Eden, Part 2

So, replace unkind, harsh, manipulative words with affirming words. We know them well. I'll rehearse a few of them.

One would be, thank you. That word, by the way, requires humility. That's why you bring it out in your children early on.

It is an ag and get on with it. You can't bring me that. I deserve it. That's entitlement. That's humility. Affirming someone like your wife by saying thank you helps prune back the limbs of pride. The hard attitude and language that Stephen was just describing should characterize every Christian marriage.

Even though we know that, unfortunately that's not always the case. The way to a successful marriage comes through attempting to imitate the first married couple, Adam and Eve. Of course, I'm referring to the time before the fall in the Garden of Eden. There was a time when there was complete selflessness and God-centeredness. And that's why Stephen's calling this lesson, replanting Eden.

It comes from 1 Peter 3 and from Stephen's series called For Better or For Worse. My wife and I love driving back home for a lot of reasons, but we're always struck by the fact that whenever you drive back into North Carolina, the scenery just improves wonderfully. You notice there are these beds of flowers and arrangements of plants and shrubs and crape myrtles. And sometimes it's acres of wild flowers along the interstate and interstate on and off ramps. Sometimes they're scattered. Sometimes they're choreographed perfectly, sometimes arranged by color. My wife and I have never gone, well, look at that coincidence.

Isn't that amazing how that just happened? No, it took expense. In fact, I've been told by several people that it's the money earned when North Carolinians purchased vanity plates. That's the budget. Good reason to buy vanity plates. I have one, poimenos, the Greek word for shepherds.

No one ever will know what it means out there, but I do. It's a good reminder. That money, I feel better about that today, actually goes to those arrangements. And then it took timing, and it took planning, and it took skill, and then it took labor, and it took sweat, and then it took more sweat, and then it took more sweat. In the state of your marriage, the same is required. And as according to the thinking of God revealed in his word, we happen to be the chief gardener in the marriage.

We take the lead in replanting, as it were, the garden of Eden. Now notice Peter writes, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. Your translation might read, live with your wives according to knowledge.

Both good translations. The word here refers to insight and then a conscious sensitivity. It combines the idea of intelligence with action. So it's not just knowledge, it's application. One author said, it is intelligence through observation that leads to consideration by means of action.

So it's both. That kind of thing isn't gonna happen in a moment. In fact, it's gonna take a lifetime of study. Maybe you're old enough in the faith and you've read these passages and maybe you've been to a marriage seminar and you're well aware of where we're going as we track through this, but has it ever occurred to you that a woman is never told to understand her husband? It's interesting to me. Probably the fact remains that most women probably do already. They're more observant, more intuitive. They're gathering data all the time. They're picking up on everything.

They're constantly watching and weighing. One author, I think it's very funny, said this. He said, women are satellite antennas picking up signals and information from around the universe. Men are cordless telephones and if they wander 200 feet away from home, they lose the signal. Generally, not always, but generally, that's true. Nevertheless, the interesting command remains that the less intuitive are to understand the intuitive.

The less observant are to watch, the more observant. Men tend to let each other off the hook. They talk to each other. Okay, we talk to each other and say, you just can't understand women. I mean, they're so complicated. I'll never figure out women. Has it ever occurred to you as well that the Bible never asks you to try and understand women? It asks you to try and understand a woman, one woman, your wife. That is a lifelong, self-denying, self-giving, Christ-modeling process. Keep in mind, as one author pointed out in my study, this command isn't necessarily for us to gather just simply superficial knowledge or surface understanding like her favorite ice cream flavor or her favorite color or her favorite restaurant.

Those things are good. What Peter is talking about here is related to knowing her challenges and her desires and her needs and then acting on that knowledge by giving yourself to assisting and encouraging and guiding her through life. This is where the husband literally plays out the role of shepherd. Men, keep in mind, you have been given the privilege and the task to shepherd your wife until she's handed to the chief shepherd.

You are shepherding her home. By the way, and I want to insert this here, Peter did not tell earlier the wives to respect and follow their husbands because they deserved it. He didn't tell women to have this gracious composure if their husbands are loving or even if their husbands are followers of Christ because, you remember, if you've been with us, the immediate context is they're unbelievers.

They're disobedient to the gospel. Now, husbands, the same shoe is going to fit here for us. He's not suggesting that if your wife respects you and follows you and if she has gracious composure, then study her. Sacrificially love her. Care for her. Now, in spite of the fact that she might not have a gracious spirit and respect for you. See, marriage is not a quid pro quo arrangement. Hey, if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

It's been a week since you scratched mine, so I'm not going to scratch yours for another week. You do this, I'll do that. Again, that's an arrangement. Listen, it's easy to love the loving. It's easy to be gracious to the gracious.

It's easy to care for those who are caring. It's not what he's talking about here. He's talking about doing this as a command and obedience to the design of God to fulfill 100% of what he wants of each of us. He focuses here on men. This is the kind of marriage, the quid pro marriage never moves forward because there's no foot on the gas pedal. And he's essentially telling men here, give it the gas, put your foot on the gas pedal, move forward, take the initiative. Maybe you're saying, how? I don't understand much about her. Well, the command understood well here from Peter implies that you act upon that which you do understand and then you continue to observe and might learn a few more things and then act upon that which you then learn. And this is a lifelong study.

This is self-denying, Christ-modeling love. Cure selfishness and replant the garden of Eden. As we've done in the past, we leave room for some practical suggestions.

Here are some garden tools to work with in your own private garden. Let me give you two or three of them. First of all, don't be thoughtless. Plant seeds of politeness. You don't even need to come here to know what's polite. You don't need a graduate degree.

You don't need to know any of the original languages. You know enough by observation what is considered polite. In other words, don't be rude. Don't be uncouth. Don't be unkind.

And here's where men like me, you might say, yeah, that's me. Don't be the expert, you know, the fixer. Be polite.

I thought it was funny. I read this recently. A man had attended a seminar his company had put on the subject of efficiency, how to be efficient. He decided that he would help his wife be more efficient too.

He'd share the knowledge he'd learned. A few days later he was telling a coworker who had attended the seminar as well, how's it going at your house? He said, well, one morning I was sitting at the breakfast table, I've done the same for decades, watching my wife make breakfast and I realized as I'd watched her do the same thing that she had an inefficient routine. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. So I said, honey, why don't you eliminate all that legwork by carrying more than one item at a time? The guy's friend asked, well, how'd it go? He said it worked. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready and I now do it in seven.

Good for her. By the way, the apostle Paul adds a note to husbands along this same garden tool as he writes to the husbands of the church. It's a very interesting phrase. He says this, husbands love your wives, we've heard that before, but then he adds, and do not be embittered against them. Colossians 3.19, don't be embittered. The word for embittered carries the idea of rudeness, of harshness, of being sharp-tongued. Paul's statement is actually referring to a man who has arrived at the state of embitteredness. This is his ongoing impatience and thoughtlessness. This is a man who, frankly, has become filled with himself so that he no longer cares if his wife is hurt or happy, whether she's crying or contented. Just do it in another room, for goodness sake.

Try to watch the game. That's an embittered state. And he kind of dares her to trouble him with her troubles. This is the kind of thing that was exaggerated and yet it happened. It was reported in the news that a couple had been married for decades, he was 72 years old, and he had hooked up an air raid siren in his house to stun his wife into silence. CNN reported, so you know it's true, but anyhow they reported on it, that whenever this man's wife complained, he flipped a switch, turned on the air raid siren, stunned her into silence. Finally, the neighbors complained, taking over the whole neighborhood.

He reluctantly took it down, but he explained to the police before he did it, he said, look, it works every time. You might not have an air raid siren, but unkind, impolite, rude, harsh, inconsiderate actions will speak as loudly as the siren. There's no excuse, brothers, is there, for us to be rude, discourteous in public or in private. It's not only going to hurt our marriages, but it will hurt the demonstration of the gospel to those we work with and live around because they hear us. They hear our comments, they hear the way we talk. What do they hear about your wife from you on Monday? What do they hear on the driveway?

What did they hear this morning? Was it the gospel? I found it interesting that Hudson Taylor, one of my heroes, as you well know, who served in China more than a hundred years ago, he was known for his sensitivity and his politeness to Chinese culture. In fact, he created quite a sensation when he began his ministry because what he did is he very quickly shed his European dress.

He put on the gown of a Chinese professor and the sandals. He even dyed his hair black and he cut it from right about here all the way back. I've done that in honor of Hudson Taylor, my hero.

What I have not done is attach the cue, the ponytail that he did. I mean, this was a sensation. He did it out of his desire to politely communicate to this culture. And he would write this 50 years after serving there. He's talking about Christians that he worked with. He said, rude Christians will seldom be out of hot water in China. Although they are earnest and pious, they will not accomplish much. In nothing do we fail more as a mission than in a lack of politeness. Husbands, pull the weeds of thoughtlessness. Plant the seeds of politeness. Secondly, don't be abusive.

Plant seeds of affirmation. Now, abuse comes in many forms, emotional, verbal, physical. It comes from the mouths and the hands of men angry, frankly, with their own inadequacy in life and their attempt to boost their own self-importance by bullying and pushing verbally or physically, demanding there's only room for one guy at the top of the mountain and that's me. There's no excuse, no excuse for any of it.

I have read that in recent data available, one out of every six adult women, one out of every six adult women have or are currently experiencing some sort of verbal or physical abuse. May it not be from any of us brothers in here. That kind of male domination is what the world looks at and it destroys the grace of the gospel. Male dominance of that sort has nothing to do with headship. It has nothing to do with God's design. It has nothing to do with God's creation.

It has everything to do with man's prideful corruption who just pushes his way around because he's bigger. Biblical headship isn't driving. It isn't forcing. It isn't coercion.

It's winning. It's leading like a shepherd leads the flock. One British author that I have enjoyed reading his commentary on this text, he writes this, remember that Jesus Christ, brothers, is our perfect groomsman. He does not coerce the church. He does not force the church. He woos the church. He loves her. He lays his life down for her. He wins her heart and brings her to glad obedience. It isn't harsh or manipulative but loving and gracious for the good of the church and the glory of his father. That's it.

That's it. Husbands, if you want to live with your wives with kind consideration, begin building verbal bridges, not verbal walls. Try praising your wife even if at first it frightens her. Replace abusive words with affirming words. Again, you didn't need to show up today to know what that is.

We're just here because the Spirit of God wants to remind us to get busy in the garden. So replace unkind, harsh, manipulative words with affirming words. We know them well. I'll rehearse a few of them. One would be thank you.

Thank you. That word, by the way, requires humility. That's why you bring it out in your children early on as you're taming the barbarians. We ought to grow out of that. But thank you requires humility because you're verbalizing the fact that you needed something your wife could only provide or something she did provide.

It is an egg. Get on with it. You know, bring me that.

Yeah. I deserve it. That's entitlement.

That's humility. Affirming someone like your wife by saying thank you helps prune back the limbs of pride and allow blossoms to flourish. When's the last time you thanked your wife for anything?

Well, today you got a great opportunity. You know, it's supper time. Thank her. Thank you, honey, for supper. It was delicious. If it wasn't, thank you, honey. It was unforgettable or whatever you want to insert there. I'll never forget that meal.

Say affirming words like, I'm glad God gave you to me. See, that's the opposite of Adam in the garden. Remember, Lord, look who you gave me.

Right? Can you imagine for a moment what that did to Eve? Can you imagine for a moment how long, how long that hurt? I would hope that Adam, and we have every indication that he did, would say a phrase like, I was wrong. Will you forgive me? That is humility, is it not? That's pride killing language. Imagine an admission of wrong from we who are the man of the house. I was wrong. Forgive me. That's ego crushing, humility planting words of grace. So say it often. In fact, I came across this and Ray Pritchard has spoken for me here at Colonial in our summer series in his devotional commentary. He makes the interesting statement that it takes eight, nine or ten positive comments to offset one destructive critical comment.

Eight, nine or ten kind words are needed to erase the effects of just one hurtful, unloving, careless word that's been written on the tablet of someone's memory. Invest in the garden. In fact, make up your mind when you come home to bring yourself with you. You faced untold challenges. You've had a long day. So is she. I follow the advice of Dennis Rainey's Family Ministries. In fact, his book called Stay Close is a good book to read.

And I'm surfing through it myself. He was in the office of a friend of his and his friend had a little card propped up on his desk, just a little three by five card, real simple, nothing special. And he walked around so he could read it. And written on the three by five card in hand were the words, leave some for home. Leave some for home. Leave some energy.

Some investment for home. Obviously this applies, all of this does to husbands and fathers. You've got a garden to grow at home. I wonder how often our wives wait for the chief gardener to arrive and roll up his sleeves and invest and plant some new seeds along the way. As I was studying this first expression, this command, I was reminded of the lyrics of a song that was popular in the 1990s. And it's from a husband to a wife. And I thought it described wonderfully this kind of commitment from a man who's following the council of 1 Peter 3, the first phrase of verse 7.

I looked up the song, did a little digging and found it and here's how it goes. Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the sun does not appear, I will be here. If in the dark we lose sight of love, hold my hand and have no fear because I will be here. I will be here when you feel like being quiet, when you need to speak your mind, I will listen and I will be here when the laughter turns to crying through the winning, losing and trying. We'll be together. I will be here. Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the future is unclear, I will be here.

Just as sure as seasons were made for change, our lifetimes were made for these years. I will be here and you can cry on my shoulder. When the mirror tells us we're older, I will hold you and I will be here to watch you grow in beauty and tell you all the things you are to me. I will be true to the promise I have made to you and to the one who gave you to me.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the sun does not appear, I will be here. In the context of this letter we're studying, this is the kind of lifestyle and commitment that the world cannot ignore. There's something different about your Christianity. There's something different about your relationship. There's something different about your marriage or something different about the way you treat your wife and talk about your wife.

Man, I've got to find out what it is. Then you have this opportunity to tell them who it is, who enables you, who loves you like you're trying to model after, who your shepherd is, the one who says to you and me, to all of us, and he never misses a beat, I will be here. Thanks for joining us today on Wisdom for the Heart. Stephen Davey called this lesson replanting Eden.

It comes from his series in 1 Peter 3 called For Better or For Worse. Before we leave you today, don't miss the special offer we have for you. In addition to equipping you with these daily Bible lessons, we also have a magazine that we publish. Stephen deals with a different topic each month and helps you understand what the Bible says and how it applies directly to your life.

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