Witnessing Without Words, Part 1

To persist in talking to someone who does not want to listen only hardens them more. But those whose hearts are hardened against preaching may be softened by behavior.

This truth applies to all of us as we make disciples, as we go out into our world and we share the gospel with individuals. Remember this principle, no one has ever been argued into the kingdom of God. No husband has ever said, she finally wore me down and beat me down so I got saved. When's the last time you encountered a hard-headed, stubborn person? Have you noticed that responding with stubbornness of your own is rarely helpful? When both people in a relationship are being stubborn, it's very difficult to move the relationship forward.

It's a soft word and a gentle spirit that God most often uses to break through hard-heartedness. Unfortunately, marriages can encounter this same dynamic. The Apostle Peter has some marriage advice and that's our topic today on Wisdom for the Heart.

Here's Stephen with today's lesson entitled Witnessing Without Words. We're continuing to address a rather large subject in this series, best summarized in what it really means to pursue a lifelong demonstration of your wedding vows in light of scripture. For those who are unmarried, this is still in many ways the kind of character we are to demonstrate to our world.

Much of how we approach scripture on the subject of marriage unfortunately is affected by the subtle and not so subtle influences of our culture. In fact, we've watched in our generation subtle and not so subtle shifts occurring. One major shift that has occurred that is so revelatory of so many other things in the past 60 years is the number of people cohabiting. In 1960, 878,000 people lived together unmarried, 878,000.

Today, that number is around 10 million and counting. One believing author wrote that this particular shift is really a much broader revelation of a number of shifts such as an open attitude now towards sexual activity, a constant devaluation of marriage as an institution, in fact, the redefining of it, added at the fear of divorce, and finally, our culture's complete abandonment of or ignorance of God's biblical plan. Today, the onslaught of moment-by-moment media, whether that's television, or print, or movies, or mobile devices, smartphones, one of whom just rang, it could be anything, another news flash, something else that we're obviously able to see that's happening somewhere in the world. And typically, those news outlets and all of that presents a propaganda because it shows one happy couple after another cohabiting and one more marriage on the rocks. In fact, this attitude I thought was best described by a young woman who wrote this, said this in an interview, I can't imagine getting married to anyone I had not taken on a test spin as a roommate. Marriage before sharing a bathroom?

Never. In other words, we gotta see how this thing's gonna work, and if I still love him after cooking meals with him, and cleaning the apartment with him, and paying the bills with him, and living with him, and sharing a bathroom and a bedroom with him, then it's a successful test spin and I'll consider marriage. We can expect, beloved, that 10 million figure to be left in the dust over the next few decades as our culture continues to abandon the role of marriage as God designed it, certainly out of ignorance, perhaps even defiance.

The problem, of course, with that decision-making process is so obviously wrong that it gets missed in the discussion. In a word, you cannot test drive marriage. You can't test drive it. You don't know what married life is like until you get what? Married.

That's when the truck pulls up and unloads. You discover who you are and how different that is from who you thought you were and who that spouse is and how different they may be than who you thought they were, and as one author I quoted last Lord's Day, you come to begin to learn how to love the stranger you married. You can't test drive. This marriage is more than dishes and bills and cleaning and sharing a bathroom and a bedroom. It is a self-denying, self-sacrificing, self-encompassing commitment and that commitment for life adds this dimension on that relationship that changes everything.

If someone slips up during the test drive, you can hop out and get another car. You can't test drive vows. Marriage is not a month-to-month rental agreement. Norman Wright adds this in his commentary on biblical marriage. People are looking for something magical that proves that it'll work in marriage, but magic, he writes, magic doesn't make a marriage work.

Work makes a marriage work. There's a reason why the apostle Paul exhorted the believer to not be conformed to the world around you. Don't be pressed into the mold of their thinking, but be transformed, be changed by the renewing of your mind so that you might prove what the will of God is, Romans chapter 12 verse 2. So the ultimate question is not what your culture thinks marriage is or how your culture defines marriage or what your own heart thinks marriage is supposed to be or what you want marriage to be. The ultimate question is what is marriage according to the will of God revealed in the word of God? What is the will of God in this unique, lifelong, sanctifying relationship where you surrender to God's design for marriage? In fact, that design, if you're old enough in the faith, you're probably already tracking back in your mind to Ephesians chapter 5, it's best described in God's word as a woman submitting to her husband like the church submits to Jesus Christ. You can't test drive that one. And the thing goes on to talk about husbands loving their wives like Jesus Christ loved the church. You can't test drive that. In fact, Jesus died to redeem you, the church.

That wasn't an experiment. That was a commitment from eternity past. Now, obviously, there are incredibly challenging creator designed objectives for marriage.

And we sort of ended our discussion last Lord's Day on three of them. One is that you're attempting to build a marriage in a fallen world, which means as far as the world's concerned, it's gonna feel like you're riding your bicycle across the sand on some beach. And not only are you attempting to build a marriage in a fallen world, you happen to be married to a fallen sinner. That got a lot of amens last Lord's Day. And then third, that fallen sinner just so happens to be God's assignment for developing and demonstrating character and patience and grace in and through your life.

You don't just sign up for a month for that. Now, while every marriage requires spiritual power and personal commitment, not magic, Peter is going to begin to focus his attention on a marriage that was in every respect to this day, one of the most challenging marital relationships on the planet. So let's go back to his letter at 1 Peter, we're chapter three, where Peter, it might sound like he's starting this thing off with rapid fire commands. But I wanna by expounding this text, hopefully show you that what Peter is doing is providing warm encouragement and hope and instruction to a believing wife, especially one who happens to be married to a spiritually disinterested man, or perhaps more specifically here in this context, to a spiritually dead man. First Peter three, verse one, last Lord's Day, we covered this phrase in the same way you wives be submissive to your own husbands. The word he uses means to rank under willingly rank yourself under the authority of your husband, has nothing to do with essence, it has to do with structure, according to God's design.

In fact, the word carries the idea of being an administrative assistant to your husband. And now notice, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be one without a word. In a more specific context, he's talking to wives to be assistants in a self-sacrificing service to those, as he zeroes in, to those wives married to husbands, notice how he describes them, as men who are disobedient to the word. Peter's use of the word is in its construction, a technical term for the gospel.

Your translation may even render it that way. The verb disobedient can be understood as unpersuaded. It's the idea of being unpersuaded as it relates to the gospel. In fact, the word carries a little bit harsher nuance to describe a man who has arrived at a point where he is deliberately and persistently and stubbornly unpersuaded. That's important to understand because what he's describing here are wives who are in a marriage where that husband has not clenched his fists and he's clenched his jaw, and anybody who mentions the gospel, get out.

It's that kind of attitude. So Peter is addressing women in the church who are married to men who are openly opposed to Christianity. And the implication of this is that these wives were unbelievers as well when they married, but now they've become Christians. Obviously, they want to know what in the world they're supposed to do in a marriage with a husband who isn't just passively disinterested in the gospel. They're now openly and stubbornly opposed to the gospel. And that's the gospel these women have come to treasure. This is the gospel of Christ whom they've come to love and now follow. So for these women, marriage has become a spiritual one-way street, which by the way can become the testimony of a woman married to a defiant unbeliever, but also a disobedient or disinterested believer.

In either case, the principles are going to overlap. All right, Peter, with that as a background and understand the words you've chosen under the Spirit's guidance to use, what's the plan? Women want to know.

What are they supposed to do? Well, let me tell you first what Peter does not tell these women to do. First, and I'll give you two points. First, and this is by observation of what Peter doesn't say, okay?

First, he doesn't tell them to leave their husbands at their first opportunity they get and start over. This would be a legitimate question. In fact, it's being asked to the point that both Peter and the Apostle Paul address it. And the legitimacy of the question comes out of the very fact that they've understood the gospel, that now in Christ, they are a new creature, a new creation. All things are passed away.

All things are become new. It's one of those old things that's passing away my unbelieving husband. Do I leave him and look for a new husband who is also a new creature in Christ? Said Peter tells them, as we'll see, to go home to the husband they have and begin demonstrating the gospel to him. The Apostle Paul, I mentioned, as he writes to the Corinthian believers in Chapter 7, he writes, addressing the same question, he writes, a woman who has an unbelieving husband, if he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. Paul adds in verse 14 that the unbelieving husband and children benefit from the holy influence of her life, which is another way of saying she has no idea how impactful her life and testimony of holy obedience to the design of God is on her husband and on her children and perhaps generations to come. No idea. And that's part of the challenge.

It's part of the difficulty. She has no idea. I can tell you, my great grandmother had no idea what kind of legacy she was leaving for children that she would give the gospel to, staying with her unbelieving husband, praying for his salvation for 42 years, and on his deathbed he gets saved. That legacy continues into the life of your own pastor teacher. Paul does go on to say that if the unbelieving husband does not want to stay with his believing wife, she's not demanded to compel him to remain. Verse 15, Paul writes, if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave. The brother or sister that is the believing spouse is not under bondage in such cases. In other words, she's freed from the marriage vow. Her unbelieving husband no longer wants to maintain and she is free to remarry. So the apostle Peter and the apostle Paul agree, and of course they should if we understand them well, inspired by the same spirit and they're saying the same thing. Now the first thing Peter then doesn't say is that the wife has a free pass now that she's a believer to get rid of her old unbelieving husband and find a new one at her first opportunity. Secondly, Peter does not tell her to preach to her husband at every opportunity. And by the way, Peter is actually giving her hope here. What might not seem at first as hopeful, he's giving her hope.

Why? He's letting her know that she is not responsible for convincing her husband that the gospel is true and that he is wrong and she's right and maybe if she just said it better, the light would go on and he would say, ah, I didn't know that. Thank you for giving me a case of books. Thank you for putting the CD in my pickup truck. Thank you for writing repent on the bottom of my beer cans.

Thank you for making me listen to Ravi Zacharias in the home when I come over, whatever. That did it. You did the right thing because these women would naturally think I've got to do the right thing. Maybe I'm not doing the right thing. Maybe I'm not saying it right. Maybe I'm not saying it enough because he still doesn't believe. Let me pause for a moment. I don't mean I'm going to stop talking, but I'm going to pause from that and pull over for a moment. I want us to try to appreciate how difficult this marriage is for these wives.

In fact, I'm convinced that through these three services this morning and those listening online that right now is right around 5,000 people a Sunday morning. It's hard to imagine, but I'm going to speak to a lot of women, a lot of sisters in Christ who will be able to identify with this context personally. Probably the most difficult relationship to bear under is this one.

Let's try to appreciate what was going on here as Peter wrote this letter. Well, in the first century, in many countries and centuries to this date, by the way, but especially in first century Rome, the wife was expected to adopt her husband's religion. In fact, there were many gods and goddesses. The Roman pantheon was stocked with all kinds of gods and goddesses. She was expected to adopt her husband's patron god.

More than likely, that god or goddess had been the patron god of his family for centuries, generations perhaps. But now, she's a Christian and he's probably okay at first with her adding her god to his god. That's okay. Don't make too big a deal of it. Just add him to this one and we're fine.

Go along with the traditions of both. But it isn't long before he realizes that she isn't going to add her god to his god. In fact, the implication of the context because of his stubborn resoluteness now at this point when he writes the letter to them, the implication is that he is now totally opposed to the gospel which she has explained to him. She's tried to explain why her god is the true and living god and his god's a myth, why she's following the only god and all the other gods are make-believe. She's no doubt tried to explain to an unbelieving world that irrational, frustrating, infuriating doctrine of exclusivity where Jesus Christ said, I am the way, the truth, and the life and no one comes to the Father except through me.

He's the only way, John 14.6. She has let him know that she cannot have dual allegiance. She can't play a game. She can't go worship with him in his temple and then go to church. And as a result, her conversion has disrupted the family order, her husband's social order because his occupation in Rome was also many times tied to one particular patron god. You'd have a god over law, industry, textile, manufacturing. They would gather around that particular kind of worship and now she's not going to go to those meetings.

It's disrupted everything. Now in this context, the husband is defiantly opposed to the gospel and she's going to naturally feel like she hasn't done a good enough job convincing him, giving him the right word, the right argument, the right example and she's passionate. Of course she's passionate. She knows he's going to hell and she's going to heaven and she doesn't want that. She's going to naturally think, I need to say more, not less.

I need to turn the heat up. No, no, Peter says here, say less. Notice. So that they may be one without a word. Notice Peter doesn't say that they may be one without the word because faith comes by hearing and hearing by what?

The word of God, Romans 10 17. Of course she must be ready to speak about Christ. Peter isn't denying her that. But Peter is encouraging here and making sure she understands that taking the initiative isn't the solution. In fact, it may only deepen his defiance even more. One author wrote it this way 100 years ago, commenting on this text and I quote him, to persist in talking to someone who does not want to listen only hardens them more. But those whose hearts are hardened against preaching may be softened by behavior. By the way, this truth applies to all of us as we make disciples, as we go out into our world and we share the gospel with individuals.

Remember this principle. No one has ever been argued into the kingdom of God. No one. No one has ever been debated into the family of God. No husband has ever said she finally wore me down and beat me down so I got saved. Instead of turning up the heat, Peter tells them to turn it down. Let your witness be without words.

You could render it without talking, without pleading, without arguing. Now granted, the impatience in her own soul is going to stem not only from the reality of his eternal damnation and her prayers daily and throughout the day are for his salvation. That's a huge part of it. But there's another part of it and that relates to the misconception of what she might have in her heart about a Christian marriage. She's never had one. And she perhaps has come to the understanding as she looks at couples around her in the assembly that if her husband gets saved, they are going to experience marital bliss like she's never experienced. I mean, if he comes to faith, not only will he be saved, he can then save her from loneliness or frustration or discontentment and on and on and on. I mean, surely a Christian marriage doesn't involve any of that. A Christian wife never feels any of that, right? Surely a Christian husband has a corner on communication skills.

Wisely, no amens on that one. No, Christian marriages involve work too. Christian marriages have communication difficulties too because Christians are still fallen sinners too. Peter has a spirit-inspired strategy, but here it is. Look at the end of verse one, that they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives. Earlier, by the way, in chapter two and verse 12, if you look over there, Peter uses the same word for the kind of life believers ought to live to silence, the slander of unbelievers watching them. "'Keep your behavior excellent,' he writes, as they observe your good deeds." Now he uses that same phrase here, and he implies then that the unbelieving world is watching you more than you know, beloved. They're watching you.

And Peter's telling the wife, more than you know, your husband's watching you. They are observing your behavior. The verb to observe isn't referring to just a casual glance, but a steady, careful observation. In fact, it's a rare verb which is used for someone who is a spectator. They are an eyewitness and they're carefully watching what is unfolding.

It's the idea here. Rather than hearing the gospel from you, Peter says, let them see the gospel in and through you. They're watching. Your demeanor, your behavior is living out what becomes an undeniable, supernatural demonstration that there really must be a living God in your life for you to live that way, especially with me, an unbelieving husband who is obstinate to something she treasures. If you're in a marriage or any kind of close relationship with an unbeliever, you'd be very concerned for the condition of that person's soul.

Badgering and pestering that person is not helpful. We've seen today what is helpful. It's the steady, faithful witness of living out the gospel, even when you're living it out before someone who's hostile to it. I hope this lesson was an encouragement to you today.

Thanks for joining us. This is Wisdom for the Heart with Stephen Davey. Today's lesson is called Witnessing Without Words. Stephen's not done with this message, but since we're out of time, we're going to stop right here and bring you the conclusion to this lesson next time. In the meantime, you can learn more about our ministry by visiting our website, wisdomonline.org. We've posted today's lesson there which is helpful if you needed to join us late, or if you just want to go back and listen again. You can go online and listen to today's lesson. You can also browse the complete archive of all Stephen's teaching. All of it is posted as both audio files that you can download and written manuscripts that you can read. Again, you'll find all of that free and on demand at wisdomonline.org. I hope you'll make plans to join us at this same time tomorrow. Stephen will bring you the conclusion to this lesson right here on Wisdom for the Heart. Thank you.