Finding Wisdom in the Woodshed

If you're a parent, the topic of discipline is not always easy to navigate. Solomon gives parents hope.

He says, here's the solution. Discipline will drive it from him. Not quickly, just as Christ hasn't driven from your heart folly, but you are actually as a parent initiating the process that God will take over one day in their lives. And if you have taught them to listen to you, you are teaching them to listen to him one day. We've all encountered unruly children and wondered why their parents didn't train or discipline them. God's commanded parents to discipline their children, but knowing how to do that well is not easy.

It's also a topic that generates a lot of controversy. How should we discipline children? Why should we be committed to discipline?

And how can we do it well? This is Wisdom for the Heart with Stephen Davey. And today we're going to see what God's Word really says about discipline. We're going to see the practical implications for parents who want to follow God's Word as it relates to this topic.

Stay with us as Stephen opens God's Word next. When you decide to study through the book of Proverbs, sooner or later, you're confronted with the subject of parental authority and more specifically, the disciplining of your children. You talk about a controversial subject.

This would be one of them. There are numerous Proverbs in Solomon's collection that most people you live around or work around would consider them terribly out of date and really out of touch. Proverbs like, whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. Proverbs 13, 24. Or another one that says folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. Proverbs 22, 15. Most people today would say, well, no wonder that stuff is in the Old Testament. That is ancient history.

That's where it belongs. Certainly not in our sophisticated era of the 21st century. Here's an interesting proverb. It goes like this. Proverbs 29, 15. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself will lead to his mother's shame.

Everybody knows intuitively that a child left to himself will ultimately bring shame on his mother and father. Every parent, whether they think the Word of God should be relegated to ancient history or not, knows intuitively that their child is better off if they walk in a certain way that we would say is the way of wisdom. And we know this wisdom is from God's Word. I want you to see for yourself that one particular proverb again. Turn to chapter 29, verse 15.

And let me read it. He says the rod and reproof give wisdom. The rod and reproof give wisdom. Proverbs 29, 15a. Now, according to Solomon, if you as the parent are not only going to hunt for hidden treasures of wisdom, but help your child in that hunt for wisdom, that treasure as well.

Solomon said here in this text that the rod literally serves as part of the treasure map to lead the way to wisdom. Imagine that. Let me put it to you this way. Wisdom is found in the woodshed.

Now, we wouldn't necessarily think of it that way, but that's exactly what he says. We'll balance this out as we go along, but you ought to know that the Hebrew word for rod, Yassar, can be translated literally a club. That's serious business. My mom didn't know that. She thought it meant a switch, and she would send me out and my three brothers who deserved it more than I ever did, but she'd send us out that kitchen side door, out to where that little tree was, and she'd tell us to pick out the switch that she would then use on our little bare legs.

She believed this kind of verse. The truth is today the average parent will do anything but spank their child. In fact, in our culture, even to say that in public might be dangerous, but I'm going to say it anyway because it's in the word, and you can't go through Proverbs without encountering these truths. Most people would say that spanking a child will teach them to hit other children. Trust me, your child knows how to hit other children whether you spank them or not, okay? In fact, with all the spankings I received, I never once challenged some kid I didn't like in fifth grade, hey, after school, meet me in the playground and I'm going to give you a spanking. My parents taught me how to do that, and I'm going to do that to you.

No, it never crossed my mind to do to somebody what my parents did to me. Perhaps parents refuse to admit their child needs correction, so they will argue with the teacher, with the principal, with the youth leader, later with the policeman. Perhaps it's nothing more than pride.

It is embarrassing. There is a certain unwillingness to face the humiliation of a child in need of correction, and they always do it at the most inopportune times in the middle of Walmart or wherever. Listen, we all want our children to be at the head of the class. That's our little dream.

It's our little plan. Little Johnny's going to be at the head of the class. Certainly isn't going to be sent to the corner of the class or expelled from class.

Not my child. Maybe you have struggled with these Proverbs that we're going to look at because you came from a home where discipline was nothing more than physical abuse, where hate and anger just spilled over and spankings became beatings. Listen, there is a vast difference between a spanking and a beating. Our discipline should deal not only with behavior but attitude and spirit and heart. We understand the greater issue is the corruption of the heart and the sin of fallen creatures who are in desperate need of redemption and then spiritual growth.

For that reason, I can remember as a child being paid an allowance if I did chores, but only if I did the chores with the right attitude. They were after reformation, not simply behavior. This is why Solomon writes in Proverbs 29.15 here that it isn't just the rod, it's reproof.

You notice that? It's correction, verbal correction that reaches the heart and the door is opened by means of the rod. The Lord said in Luke chapter 6 verse 45, the good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, but the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil. For out of the abundance of the heart, his mouth speaks. You see, that's a way of reminding every parent that the heart is the heart of the issue.

A child's misbehavior is reflecting their heart. So often we get sidetracked as parents with behavior that we overlook belief. They actually believe that lying may be acceptable. They actually believe that obedience is optional and as they grow up, they're testing the waters. They believe that cheating may be permissible and they're surrounded by people who say it is permissible. It's easy to think if we can just get them to stop doing those things that we are successful. Now that was the point of Christ's warning to the Pharisees. They kept all the rules.

They look good. They were at the head of the class. They live clean lives, but they spoke of God with respectful lips which had nothing to do with reverential hearts. A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commended by Christ.

It is condemned as hypocrisy. Whether we want to admit it or not, Solomon was telling the truth. In fact, go back to chapter 22 and look at verse 15. He says there, folly is bound up in the heart of a child.

Just bound up, he comes packaged with folly or foolishness. In other words, they are born with the ability to lie, to cheat, to disobey, to declare their own will and demand their own way. And at a very early age, they demand to know who around here is big enough to take me on.

They want to know who's in charge. Several years ago, the Minnesota Crime Commission released an interesting report on the untamed child. If I read it, I can't believe that this would ever be reported in the 21st century.

Probably wouldn't be, but it was released to the public in the 1980s. And I quote, every baby starts life as a little savage. He is completely selfish and self-centered.

He wants what he wants, what he wants it. His bottle, his mother's attention, his play makes toy, his uncle's watch. Deny these and he seeds with rage that would be murderous were he not so helpless. This means that all children, not just certain children are born delinquent. If permitted to continue in the self-centered world of infancy, given free reign to his impulsive actions as he grows, every child will grow into some form of criminal. Frankly put, mom and dad, we are dealing with little sinners who came into the world with a fallen, depraved heart, corrupted heart.

And they are capable of committing anything under the sun, given the time, the experience, the availability, the strength and the resources. That's what Solomon says when he says that, that the folly is bound up in the heart of a child. It's there. You didn't get the wrong baby at the hospital. You know, the one you brought home came packaged with folly, moral deficiency, inability to make godly judgment with pure reason.

That's what the Hebrew word means. Long before they can articulate rebellion, they challenge your authority and they act it out. So what are you going to do in response? Solomon gives parents hope. The end of that proverb in Proverbs chapter 22 verse 15, he says, here's the solution. Discipline will drive it from him. Now, not overnight, not quickly, just as Christ hasn't driven from your heart, folly, rebellion, assertion and pride, but he has committed himself to daily disciplining those whom he loves.

And you know as well as I do, he does not leave you alone and he does not leave me alone because the task isn't finished. But you are actually as a parent initiating the process that God will take over one day in their lives. And if you have taught them to listen to you, you are teaching them to listen to him one day. Let me lay down some ground rules for biblical discipline. Call it simply spanking your child. First of all, you need to understand the difference between physical abuse and the painful spanking. If you have a sheet of paper, you could draw a line right down the middle of it and on one side, write the word abuse and on the other side, write discipline.

And let me give you some characteristics to compare and contrast. Abuse is unprovoked and unexpected. Discipline is expected for certain behavior. You've already made it clear. You've already laid down the rules. There are no surprises. Abuse is unexpected.

You never know wham when you're going to get it or why. Discipline is to be expected for certain behavior. Abuse is motivated through hatred and anger. Discipline is prompted by love and concern. Someone who's being abused doesn't know if their parent loves them or not.

In fact, they're probably convinced they don't. Where with discipline, it's prompted by love and concern and that is clearly communicated. Abuse then produces terror. Discipline produces security.

Abuse leaves physical scars. Discipline is painful but it leaves no scars. Abuse creates resentment against authority. In fact, it only deepens that kind of resentment against authority. Discipline creates respect for authority. Abuse resolves neither behavior or heart attitude. Discipline resolves, forgives, and forgets. Remember, discipline here in Proverbs 22.15 goes hand in hand with plenty of communication or reproof, correction. That's instruction. So distinguish, number one, between abuse and discipline.

Secondly, distinguish between immaturity and disobedience. You know, maybe they really did forget. Maybe they did get sidetracked with that frog or the dog in the backyard.

Or maybe they really did completely overlook the time. Third, distinguish the difference between inability and defiance. Maybe they really can't fulfill that task. For them, cleaning out the shed might be something that completely overwhelms them and they're not sure where to start and how to do it and it's an issue of inability, not defiance. If you are certain it is indeed an act of disobedience or disrespect or deception, and by the way, those are the three Ds around our household that require spanking. Disobedience, disrespect, or deception. Then what happens next is you are headed toward the woodshed with your child.

Let me give you five guidelines for a productive trip to the woodshed. First of all, tell your child what their offense is and what their punishment will be. This eliminates, by the way, the possibility of spanking them in the heat of anger. It allows for communication where you can tell them what the punishment is and why it's coming.

It allows the child to understand the issue at hand and that it isn't their parents' emotions or anger, it is their own sinful behavior or actions. Secondly, deliver the spanking. It might be three swats, depending on age or ten licks with a belt on the place that God created for discipline. It comes with extra padding.

It's an amazing creation of his. Listen, slapping their face or punching them is not the use of a rod. In fact, it will never yield the intimacy and closeness that comes after proper discipline is administered.

Why? Because your hand didn't create the painful blow. It held an inanimate object that created the pain and in this mystery of discipline, the child comes to fear the leather strap or the switch or the paddle.

They do not come to fear your hand. Third, after the spanking, give them time to think and recover. Depending on their age, you might leave the room. If they're older, leave the room, give them time to think about it. The younger they are, the more immediately they need the reassurance of your love.

Number four, come back. You need to explain what God's word says about their behavior, their attitude, their sin. It's a very personal conversation. It deals with their heart. In fact, after punishment, they are more open and ready to hear about the heart issue than before. Now, if all you were interested in was delivering pain, I'm going to make you remember that, you'll never forget this.

If that's all we were interested in, well, we're finished. But pain in discipline, in the mystery of discipline merely acts as a doorway through which the heart is now tender and open to hear biblical truth. It's not unusual for me to have my Bible or to quote a verse of scripture or to take them to some passage where I can tell them what the enemy is really wanting to do in their lives because it's a much bigger issue than a lie. It's a much bigger issue than disrespecting me or their mother.

It may very well be a lifelong or even an eternal issue. This is why Solomon wrote, and if you're still not convinced, listen to this proverb, if you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from death. Proverbs 23 14. This is a general principle that normally means discipline protects your children from greater harm. You're protecting them from greater pain.

You're also, for those that are older, teaching them the principle of what one author called the harvest mentality that is their learning, that they really do reap what they sow. So after instructing them with the scriptures and why this is a bigger issue and what Satan is trying to do in your heart and life and how he's trying to get you to walk down this path and let me show you where that path is going to lead, then you pray with them. They ask the Lord for forgiveness because they've sinned against him primarily. And then you pray, thanking God for forgiveness.

Here's the final step. After prayer, don't forget a hug and words that clearly communicate, I love you and I have forgiven you. This is the perfect resolution to biblical discipline. And I have found that timeouts and no TV and no computer and all this other stuff doesn't quite bring to that kind of resolution what discipline does. This is exactly this love for your child, though, that comes through discipline. Listen to this proverb. He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. Proverbs thirteen twenty four. That's the truth. No matter how you slice it, true love leads you down this path, which may lead you into the woodshed from time to time. Let me let me wrap up our study with two, two timeless truths about this subject.

Number one, there has never been an easy time to raise children. Just ask Adam and Eve. Just ask Eli. Later Samuel. Ask David and Solomon. Ask Mary and Joseph and their brood of children that they had after Jesus Christ, all of them defiantly refusing to follow the claims of Christ until after his resurrection.

The turmoil in that home would have been unbelievable. No century, no generation has been without difficulty and danger and temptation. There's never a perfect world. There's never a perfect time to be a parent because we happen to live in a fallen world. So don't hide behind as well. It's just so much tougher now. No, the standard is still purity and holy living.

And it's never been easy. Listen to what Carl Zimmerman wrote as he talked about the American culture falling into what he called the final stages of disintegration. He observed in decaying cultures these common characteristics. One an increased ability to divorce without cause. Number two, the elimination of meaning in the marriage ceremony.

Number three, pessimism concerning earlier figures in their culture who had earlier been considered heroic. Number four, the breaking down of inhibitions regarding adultery. Number five, the revolt of the youth against parents. Number six, a rapid rise in juvenile delinquency. Number seven, a common acceptance of all forms of sexual perversion.

Now get this, Dr. Zimmerman wrote this in 1947. Today, every single day in America, one thousand unwed teenage girls become mothers. One thousand one hundred and six teenage girls get abortions every day. Four thousand two hundred and nineteen teenagers contract sexually transmitted diseases, several of them incurable and the media will never spill the secret.

You just now see the commercials. Every day, one hundred and thirty five thousand students bring guns or other weapons to school. Every day, three thousand six hundred and ten teenagers are assaulted. Every day, on average, eighty are raped. Every day, two thousand two hundred of them drop out of high school after those statistics who wouldn't.

Every day, six of them take their own lives. If we don't provide the safeguards and the standards and the hope and the relationship, if we don't set up the fence posts and protective boundaries, if we don't help them know which way to navigate, their world will do it for them and they will do it for themselves. Listen to one paraphrase of Proverbs 1918. Discipline your children while they are young enough to learn. If you don't, you are helping them destroy themselves. Proverbs 1918, let me read that again.

Discipline your children while they are young enough to learn. If you don't, you are helping them along the way of self-destruction. Let me give you one more truth. This leads me to the second truth.

Yes, there has never been an easy time to raise children, but secondly, there has never been a better time to shepherd your children than now. Maybe after a study like this, you're thinking, this is going to bring disruption and chaos. I mean, we're going to have a fight on our hands all the time. Listen, take it by faith. Take it by faith. Get additional good and godly counsel. In fact, don't go home tonight and say, all right, get in here, Johnny. You know, Pastor Davey said, here's the rug.

Whack. Please don't do that. I want them to love me. Take your time.

Clearly communicate that these three things or four things or two things or whatever they are, these are non-negotiables. These infractions will lead to discipline and maybe show them in the scriptures some of these Proverbs that you've underlined. And then watch. Then watch. Watch what Solomon promised to those who will follow Christ in applying biblical discipline in their home. Listen to this proverb. Discipline your son and he will give you peace. You don't really expect that, do you? Discipline your son and he is going to make you miserable.

No. Discipline your son and he will give you peace. Not chaos, not turmoil, but peace. So now is the time to start. There has never been a better time to shepherd your children as a loving authoritative parent than now. There's never been a more critical time to start teaching the truth and holding the standard and developing the relationship and communicating God's word and lovingly disciplining sin than now.

My friend, I trust that God will give us all courage and faith and trust in his word to obey it and to follow it and to demonstrate it and to model it and then to shepherd our children to do what they see mom and dad doing. And they ought to see us confessing too. And they ought to see us apologizing too. And they ought to see us going to the Lord too.

And they ought to see us admitting our failure too. Give them hope and they will give you peace. Thanks for joining us today here on wisdom for the heart. The lesson you just heard is called finding wisdom in the woodshed.

You might be a parent who's still involved in raising young children. And if so, I hope this lesson was an encouragement to you. It might be that you're not a parent or that your children are grown, but you know, some young parents who could benefit from the wisdom God's word offers on the topic of discipline. I encourage you to take a moment and share this lesson with the parents in your life.

You can send them the link so that they can listen online. You'll find it at wisdom online.org. This lesson is also posted to our smartphone app.

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Steven Davey has two more lessons to go in this series through the book of Proverbs. So make sure you're with us tomorrow and Friday as we continue through this series. Between now and then, we'd love to hear from you. It's encouraging for us to know that you're listening and to know how God's using these lessons to encourage you. You can send Steven a note if you address your card or letter to wisdom for the heart PO Box 37297, Raleigh, North Carolina 27627. You can also email us at info at wisdom online.org. We'll be back tomorrow at this same time. So make plans to be with us right here on wisdom for the heart.