For Better or Worse // Conflict Resolution // Pastor Josh Evans

Amen. I'm thankful that he is the the way maker and I tell you if you have something going on in your life he is the way maker and and Jesus can change your life. If you have your Bible go to James chapter number four. James chapter number four here today and I appreciate you being in the service and excited about concluding this series. We've been in this series for the last several weeks and many of you have have come up to me over the last couple of weeks and either blamed me for some things that I have said or you have thanked me. So I got people on all ends of the fence here today but we've been in this series for better or for worse and and we are concluding that here today as we talk about conflict resolution. So if you are just tuning in or you've missed the last couple of weeks I understand that happens from time to time.

I want to give you just the big idea of why we've done this series. I really believe this that the health of our church is determined by the spiritual health of the families in this room. I really believe I cannot say that enough that if we want a church that is that is healthy we have to have families within the church that are spiritually healthy.

We can't accomplish a healthy church without without that. A few disclaimers that I've said every single week and you'll you'll find the first one to be very true today as we talk about conflict resolution. First Abby and I's marriage is not is not perfect okay and so I want you to understand that I'm no incredible expert on this I just am a a pastor I'm not a licensed counselor I'm a pastor and a shepherd trying to share with you how relationships should work according to to God's design. Today we are going to conclude this series talking about conflict resolution how to how to resolve conflict if you're if you're married in here how many of you have conflict with your spouse from time to time raise your hand okay so most of us if you're a child if you're a child in here how many of you have conflict with your mom or dad from time to time any kids in the room okay few adults as well I feel you and so but listen they're conflict resolution and how do we resolve conflict in a biblical way is a is a part of every relationship whether it be a working relationship whether it be a parent-child relationship whether it be a marriage relationship every relationship well at times have have conflict and how do we resolve it the biblical way and how many of you men would say that this describes you because I saw this this week and and this picture up on the screen described me perfectly I'll read it for you behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong listen I paid him $20 to be my amen corner so if it gets quiet or uncomfortable or awkward in the room I have somebody who can help me out but man I'm telling you when we when we think about conflict conflict resolution it can come from number how many of you have have fought over over dumb stuff from time to time with your spouse okay well one thing when I preach I always like to be as transparent as possible and and so I want to be true to the Bible and and I want to be led by the Holy Spirit but I also I feel like every single week I'm making you feel really good about yourself with some of the stories that I share from time to time and so you can thank me later from that but me and my wife we had a couple of instances recently that really I had to ask for her approval if I could mention here in this in this sermon so many of you understand that I am and don't hold this against me this isn't part of the sermon and and I've heard all the jokes in the world but I'm a Duke Blue Devil fan okay and and here here's the thing thank you for that but I our online audience just went way down every time I mentioned that it happens so if you're watching online stay tuned in okay but here's the thing is I'm a Duke fan and and and you know like any other Duke fan I watch pretty much every game and and and I'm into it and and so the other day and this is the life of Duke you have a big win and then you lose 48 hours later right and so um so I was watching last Monday night and I'm sitting on the couch I'm by myself and my wife there's like hardly any time left in the game I felt we were gonna lose and she comes up to me and she wants to cuddle I so listen listen so I told her okay now don't please don't judge me I need to hit the altar would you guys give me a moment I'm gonna pray but I told her and it was very mean and ugly I said babe this is not the right time to cuddle okay and I did I wanted to be by myself any of you married with somebody who if their teams lose then they're in a bad mood anybody or is that just me okay all right so so I was like man so afterwards I realized hey that was a that was an ugly husband move that was terrible it was not smart it was dumb you figured I'd learned my lesson well it's like the next day okay and and we were getting ready and and I was going to work which I take the kids to school each and every day and so we are at the house and my wife she got called in to sub here at the school and and so she's getting ready as well and and and she said on three different occasions that morning while we were getting ready because she had to be here as well she said man I really really wish I had time to go down to Big B coffee and get me a coffee so she said and I'm just getting ready minded my own business and I keep hearing her say that like go get you a coffee I didn't say that but I think I'm like man so being you know I should have really thought man this is my opportunity to you know maybe put myself in the good light on Sunday morning and so I didn't think anything about it and she goes to to sub I go to work I get home that afternoon and and I was so excited she gets home and and I was like it's like tell me how was subbing you know what she said she said it would have been a lot better if my husband picked up on the three signals I made this morning to go get her a coffee so I know nothing about conflict resolution but listen conflict is a regular part of a part of life in fact I heard a country preacher one time say that before marriage opposites attract after marriages and he said in the country version he said after marriage opposites attack right you feel me and I'm like man if I could you know channel the inner country preacher in me that's that's kind of sums up what relationships look like but conflict is a a part of of life and and in James chapter 4 and and this is going to be a little bit of a different sermon many of you who are church members and you're here regularly and you know how I like to preach this might be a little bit we're gonna be a little all over scripture a little bit so there's gonna be a lot of verses that we're gonna share throughout this to give you some principles on handling conflict the right way but in James chapter 4 he really talks about where conflict arises from where it comes from he says this in verse 1 from whence or from where come wars and fightings among you in other words what he's saying is where does where does conflict come from don't look to the person next to you okay that's not a good thing to do you might be like hey it's right it's sitting next to me that's her conflict comes from but he says where where does conflict come from and and I mean cuz conflicts a part of life he said come they not hints even of your lust that war in mark that word in in your and your members in other words what he's saying is he's suggesting that all conflict and this is true of our life I want you to understand I want you to hear me okay cuz we're going somewhere all conflict comes from within it comes from within you know because if you if you look at life whether it be you know your job or or in marriage or or or with your family your kids or or with your parents when we think of conflict we naturally go to the other person don't we if you're like me you you immediately say man I wouldn't have any conflict conflict if she understood me or if he saw things my way and so we constantly we think that it's always about the other other person and what James is saying is he's saying conflict is actually from within when we allow the flesh when we allow the flesh to run our life for the flesh to to lead our life that is where conflict comes from it's not because of the people around you it's because of the sinful person with within you so he says now verse 2 ye lust and have not ye kill and desire to have and cannot obtain he says because you can't get your way you get angry to the point of murder now you got to understand this when you read that you're thinking okay I'm not not a murderer you know and and so this doesn't really apply to me you have to understand what James is writing he's writing to a group of believers they probably weren't murderers either so he's using this hyperbole if you would and and basically it carries on the idea you don't get your way so therefore you get angry right go back to the original illustration okay so Duke was not winning the game so I was mad so therefore I created conflict because I didn't get what I wanted that's how conflict arises in your life you don't get what you want it can be as simple as man I wanted to eat here she wanted to eat here so therefore we have conflict or if you're like our house it could be like I wanted to load the dishwasher the one and only right way just saying and she wanted to load it a different way right that's where conflict arises in life and that's what James is saying it says it comes from within and when we don't get our way we end up getting angry and we have conflict with one another he goes on to say and desire to have and cannot obtain when you cannot obtain what you want in life it makes us angry so therefore the result of our anger we fight we war you have not because she he asked not let me let me tell you this that conflict especially in marriage and in all relationship it's inevitable if you're gonna try to avoid all conflicts you're probably gonna miss the mark every time every relationship in this room has conflict from time to time if you're young in here and you're looking for the perfect relationship there is no such thing conflict is a a part of life it's a part of every relationship and and we have to we have to know how to handle it conflict is basically this from James chapter 4 when we begin to say they see it their way and we see it the right way see what see what James is saying is this is why conflict arises it arises this way with with kids and it arises this way like literally my my daughter yesterday she and I don't use a lot of illustrations about my daughter because she is like just awesome and and perfect and okay she's not perfect but yesterday I was getting on to her and I raised my voice a little bit and and she said to me sweet little Lindley okay she said to me I told her I was like you're being disrespectful and I said and she said how I said raise your voice she said the reason I raised my voice is because you raised your voice she told me you see here's what I want you to understand is that is that in conflict conflict arises within us because we see something our way and you feel strongly that you see it the the right way so therefore we argue we fight we debate because we want everyone to see things the way that we want to to see it you see the goal and this is the spiritual going I want to be as practical as I can from scripture today the goal of conflict resolution is not I want you to understand this it's not to get people to see things your way in your relationship if that's why you're here you're hoping that when we leave they will see things my way or they will understand my way that's not the goal of conflict resolution the goal of conflict resolution is rather to live out you and your spouse to live out God's Way in your relationships to live out God's Way you say what does that look like how do we live out God's Way and what exactly does God's Way even look like with with my relationships with my spouse my relationship with my kids my relationship with my teachers at school my relationship with my parents my relationship with my friends my my relationship with my boss or my co-workers or my family, what does God's way even look like? I wanna give you a few principles that I believe are from scripture that show exactly how God's way looks like when we resolve conflict. Number one is this, God's way overlooks a lot.

It overlooks certain things. In Proverbs chapter 19 verse 11, the scripture says this, the discretion of a man defereth his anger and it is his glory to pass over a transgression. The book of Proverbs is a book all about wisdom.

It's about applying heavenly wisdom, that is wisdom from above, to our relationships, to our conflict, to everything that happens in life. And Solomon, he says this, he says that it's the wise thing to do to sometimes pass over a transgression, to sometimes overlook something, that's wisdom. Proverbs 12, 16, a fool's wrath is presently known, but a prudent man covereth shame. Some translations translate that last prudent man covereth shame to say this, the prudent ignores insults.

You see, here's what you have to understand, when Solomon is writing, the wisest man to have ever lived, when he's writing about this, he's saying that sometimes it is a wise thing to let things go sometimes. Now that's hard to do, isn't it? How many of you are married to somebody who always has to have the last word in? Abby, you can raise your hand, okay? Listen, I literally asked my wife, I said, I can't remember if it was last night or this morning, I said, hey babe, do you think, can you think of a time when like I had to get the last word in when we were arguing over something? She said, and it didn't take her long, she said, every time. Because I love to get the last word in, right? I mean, that's how we are. Have you ever been arguing with somebody, and if you're young in here, you know what I'm saying, when you're arguing with your parents about something, so you can lean in a little bit, but especially in the marriage relationship, have you ever been arguing about something and you can't hear a thing they're saying because you're waiting until they stop talking for just a second so you can say what you want to say?

You ever been there? Okay, because that is, but here's what Solomon's saying, he's saying that is not the wise thing to do, that's foolish. You see what he's saying, is he's saying that's foolish to be the one that has to have the last word all the time and to say something last, I'm notorious for that in our relationship. When me and Abby get in an argument, usually I'm still wanting to say something like days later.

You know, it's just like, hey, you remember that thing the other night? Hey, really, I want you to understand where I was coming from, you know? And it's like, it's not doing any good because I'm showing that sometimes I can be a foolish man. The wise thing to do, the scriptural way, the God way of handling conflict is sometimes we have to let certain things go, we have to be willing to overlook certain things. By the way, your life would be a lot easier and it would be a lot more calm if you were willing to apply this sometimes and let some things go from time to time.

I'm being honest, some of us, we can't let anything go, can we? You walk in the door and you're upset about the food and you're upset about the dishes and you're upset about your kids and you're upset about this and you're upset about everything and what Solomon is saying is if you could apply some scriptural biblical wisdom to your life, then you need to be willing sometimes to overlook certain things. The wise person's willing to let certain things go.

The wise person believes the best about the other person. God's way, you want to live out God's way, it overlooks a lot. The second thing about God's way is this, it's gentle. God's way is gentle, Galatians 6, one.

Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, you which are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of meekness or gentleness, considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Proverbs 15, one, says a soft answer turneth away wrath. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Let me say that again. A soft answer turneth away wrath.

Think about it. That's about as plain as I can be. That's straight from the Bible. You want conflict to stop in your life, respond gently. Respond softly. In fact, I would tell you that some of your conflict would go away if you decided that you were gonna start responding to people in your life the way that Solomon is telling us to by responding softly and gently. You see, gentleness, it's an important Christian virtue. In fact, it's a fruit of the spirit. It flows from within.

I want to challenge you. I know that many of you are believers in this room, and if you're not, then this is where you gotta accept Jesus into your life so that you can find gentleness in your life. You see, here's what you have to understand. Gentleness, it's a fruit of the spirit. So in order for us to respond softly, in order for us to respond gently, we have to have been changed from the inside out. It's not a fruit of you, it's a fruit of the spirit.

And the only ones who have the spirit are those who have accepted Jesus as their savior. And so the only way for you to respond gently the way that Solomon's challenging us to, and the Apostle Paul is this, you gotta accept Jesus. Gentleness flows out of a personal relationship with him. You say, what does gentleness look like in my life? I believe, just to be as practical as I can be, gentleness attacks the problem, not the person. Gentleness attacks problems, not people. Let me encourage you, if you're in a relationship, avoid sarcasm, avoid name calling. Here, I tell couples all the time, fight fair, fight the right way, argue the right way, debate the right way. Attack the problem, not the person. You see, gentle confrontation, it's done out of respect for the other person. Another way you can be gentle in your relationship is resolve one problem at a time. How many of you, you know, you have an argument about the dishwasher, and next thing you know, you're arguing about six or seven other things before the night's over.

Any of you like that? Man, I wish some of you would be more honest with me. Because I feel like I'm laying it all out here today. And you guys are like, wow, I'm looking for another church this week.

See what Google has to offer, okay? But listen, that's how we are. Sometimes, you know, we're arguing about the kids, and next thing you know, we're talking about something that happened years ago that we've piled on and piled on and piled on and piled on. You see, that's not the biblical form of gentleness. Biblical gentleness, it resolves one issue at a time. So avoid piling on all these other things.

How about this? Another way you can be gentle, avoid exaggerated language. You know what I'm saying? Some of you, you walk in, you're like, you never. I don't know why I used that voice when I did that, but that's how some of you sound. I believe it when you're at home. But like we say, you never do this.

Or how about this one? You always do this. And what happens is in relationships, whether you're talking to your kids, whether you're talking to your spouse, when you use exaggerated language like that, you begin to tell the person, and they begin to feel something about themselves that there's something fundamentally wrong with them, that there's no way that they can actually do what you're asking them to do. You see, that's the opposite way of gentleness. Gentleness is meekness. It doesn't mean weakness. In our culture, sometimes we think being gentle, it's like, man, I don't wanna be gentle. I wanna be a man, I wanna be macho, and I wanna be tough and everything like that. And listen, it doesn't mean weakness in your life. It's actually a strength.

It's living out of who has changed your life from within. That's what gentleness is. So let me challenge you in your relationships. Some of you, it would change a lot if you applied applying a soft answer in your home. Stop yelling, stop raising your voice, and start to respond to everyone in your home in a gentle manner.

That would take care of a lot of our problems. Number three, God's way listens more than it speaks. So God's way, it overlooks a lot. God's way is gentle. God's way listens more than it speaks. Proverbs 18, 13. He that answerth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. It's folly and shame unto him.

So we do this all the time, don't we? We're ready to answer something before we've actually heard what the person's trying to say. James 1, 19. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to, what's the next word?

Speak, slow to speak, slow to wrath, slow to speak. Listen, I believe this. Most communication issues and relationships are not speaking problems, they are listening problems.

I really believe that. You know, I bet you that a lot of things would be solved in your relationship if you would stop talking and start listening. It's something that is hard for us to do because if you're like me, you feel like you need to be the one driving it because remember James chapter four, where does fights and wars and conflict arise from? It arises from within when we don't get our way.

And guess what? When you don't get your way, you have to start arguing or taming the conversation so that you can make sure that they start seeing things your way. That's how conflict comes from within. And God's way is completely different than the way that you are naturally built. The flesh that we have in life, we want everyone to see it our way. God's way is saying, hey, stop talking and trying to get them to see it your way and start listening, start listening.

Some ways to do that, practical. Seek to understand, not to be understood. You know, some of us, we need to understand. You know, this has been a challenge because if you're like me, you just feel like it goes back to what that country preacher said, you know, that I mentioned at the beginning, opposites attract and then over time, after you get married, opposites attack, right? And so when you're dating, it's cool to be different. But when you start living with that person, differences can be challenging, right?

They can be difficult. And so in our relationship, I struggle sometimes because I just think that Abby needs to see things my way. And I think Abby needs to do things my way.

That's why I'm walking to this side of the stage. And I think that Abby needs to think the way that I think. And I think Abby needs to respond to people the way that I respond.

And I think that Abby needs to react to situations in life, the same way that I react. You see the point here? Is that in our life, it's not all about that. It's about understanding the person that, especially in marriage, that you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. It's trying to understand how God uniquely built them differently than you. It's understanding that you might see it this way and this is the way you respond and this is the way you react and this is the way you think.

But it's also understanding that God made them this way and this is the way God made them to think and this is the way God made them to react and this is the way God made them to react to situations in life. You see, we need to sometimes stop talking and start listening and seeking to understand. Another practical thing is don't interrupt. Don't interrupt in a relationship. This one's hard, isn't it?

Let's just be real. It's just like you ever tried to have a debate with your spouse and you're talking over one another, right? It never works. You need to let the other person speak. That's wisdom. Some of us are so foolish and I don't mean to be harsh because I'm telling you, I'm as foolish as anybody else. Some of us are just foolish in the way we handle relationships because most people, we want them just to see our perspective and our point of view about everything. You know, in our relationship, we sometimes struggle because men and I'm just a natural problem solver. So if Abby comes to me with a problem that she had with anybody in this world, whether it be work-related, whether it be a friend, whether it be family, I always, always pretty much try to solve her problem. Any men like that, your wife comes, you're like, I got four steps to solving this, right?

She begins to say that I'm preachy at her. Let me say this is sometimes because of our desire to solve the problem at hand, here's what happens. We begin to rationalize the other person that maybe she had ought with, or we may begin to make them feel illogical. Like, why are you feeling this way?

Because we're trying to rationalize the problem. I want you to know, and if you're young in here and you're not married, you need to listen to this. That rationalizing your defense in a conversation or if you're having a conflict with your spouse and you try to say, well, you're not seeing it the way that I see it, you know, I didn't mean anything by it. Trying to respond that way, I have never one time said that to my wife and she responded, you are so right. I feel like an idiot for getting hurt over that. I thought I was offended, but after your help, I realized I'm not offended at all.

You are the best husband ever. Listen, I just want you to know that's never happened when I try to explain my way to her. You see, we have to understand where they are. Some of us need to just shut up and start listening in our relationships. Last thing, we're almost done.

Some of you are like, I came for the giveaway, not for this. Four, God's way is quick to forgive. It's quick to forgive. Ephesians 4 32, be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Listen, the forgiveness of God is so overwhelming that it should motivate us to forgive everything about everybody else.

Some of you are struggling to move on in your relationships because you're harboring bitterness in your life. When you think about what God has done for you, it should change you from the inside out and motivate and inspire and change you to be willing to overlook and forgive things about the person that you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. In other words, forgiven people, those who have been forgiven by Jesus, should forgive others. Forgiven people forgive others. When you go deeper into the gospel, understanding what he has forgiven you of, it will change us to forgive others.

John Wesley, the British evangelist, he said when he discovered the gospel, it was like learning about a rich uncle you didn't know that you even had, who left you an incredible fortune of like $10 billion. While on the bank to collect it, you get within a mile and one of the wheels to your carriage falls off during today your car. He said, do you get upset, angry, or even blame God?

No, you hardly notice and you go on your way skipping and running the rest of the way to collect your treasure. You see, the point of that story, what Wesley was trying to say is, when you've been changed by the gospel, every thought, every offense, every flaw along the way that you see in other people, it's easy to forgive because you are focused on what he has already forgiven you of. See, when you realize what Jesus has actually done in your life and you realize what he has forgiven you of, then there's nothing that the person that you're living with or the parent that God chose you to have that you can forgive them of, nothing.

You say, well, you don't understand what they did. Well, listen, I might not, but I do understand what you and I did to him. And if you can convince me that your fault or the person next to you's fault is bigger than that, you're not gonna be able to because he's forgiven us of way more than we have ever been offended of. And you gotta understand God's way, it's quick to forgive. So let me ask you this.

Are you wanting your spouse, your kids, your boss, your parents, your teachers, are you wanting them to see your way or are you daily living out God's way? Are you gentle? Do you overlook some things? Do you listen? Are you quick to forgive or do you harbor grudges? See, God has forgiven you of so much. We need to go deeper into the gospel. And by the way, as we conclude this series, I want you to understand, if you can get a better glimpse of the gospel and understand the gospel and spend time with God each and every day, it's gonna change you from the inside out that a lot of these relationship issues that you're having, they'll solve themselves because of you getting closer to the one that matters, to the one who can change your life. Would you bow your heads with me?