Marriage: A Covenant, Not a Contract (Part 2 of 2)

romantic love is certainly wonderful but when the Bible talks about love in marriage it's talking about something that goes much deeper. Today on Truth for Life Alistair Begg explains why there's more freedom and security in a covenantal commitment than there is in an emotionally charged relationship.

We're in the Gospel of Matthew chapter 19 verses 1 through 12. Recent surveys reveal that as many as two-thirds of those interviewed in the Christian population saw divorce as, quote, a reasonable solution to a problem marriage. Now, while we are not to be surprised by that kind of perspective amongst non-Christians, it is absolutely tragic to realize the extent to which the external framework of our culture has bled into the heart and soul of the Christian community. Now, in contrast to that kind of thinking, the way to live in marriage, the way to be successful through difficulties in marriage, is to settle clearly in our own minds at the very beginning that when we enter into this, divorce is not an option. You see, and we need to teach this especially to our young people, because my heart is so exercised for our teenagers, being overwhelmed by rubbish, unmitigated nonsense, supplemented by all kinds of confusion in magazines and songs and in everything else, and being offered as an alternative just a form of moralism. What our teenagers need is the transforming power of a new affection as a result of the divine inflow of the Spirit of God, and then as a result of the Spirit of God taking on the things of God and making them real, they then have a submission to the Word of God.

For the Spirit of God always comes to underpin and underscore and unearth the truths of God's Word. And we need to be saying to them again and again that our submission to the design of God in relationship to marriage in particular has to be total and wholehearted, irrespective of whether we can see the pragmatic benefits of it or not. One man, one woman, forever.

That's the plan. When we become captive to the Word of God, then we discover true freedom—the freedom of a lifelong commitment, the freedom of marrying a believer in the Lord, the freedom of a husband's joy in putting his wife first, the freedom of a wife's fulfillment in becoming husband-oriented in all she does, the freedom that comes from the security of having rejected divorce as an option. Now, for this reason, it's far better not to vow than to make vows and not fulfill them. One of the funniest times for me is in meeting with couples and asking them about the vows they plan to use in their wedding ceremony. Because in Scotland, it was familiar for me simply to be doing the same thing all the time. And I'd never come across the sort of novelty factor that is part and parcel, and creativity factor that is part and parcel of life here.

It's not a bad thing, it's just a different thing. And so it is that I always ask the question, are you planning on using the traditional vows, or are you going to write some of your own? And every so often you come across some real beauties, you know? And it is a very delicate dialogue, because often it is the girl who has, in the late hours of the evening in her college dorm, put together all of these wonderful statements of her love and affection for her betrothed, and she just can't wait to memorize them or read them or just burst them on every listening ear, not least of all her fiancé, who if ever he got to hear them before it happened would be sorely embarrassed to say the least. But in most cases, they do not fulfill what is necessary in the vows, because they are all expressive of feelings. And the vows are not about feelings, the vows are about acts of the will. And many times the couples have never conceived of that, because so much of what has prepared them for this time has been the discovery of romantic love.

And so on the basis of this romantic feeling, they have written these things, oh, the first time ever I saw your face, Colin, I felt the earth move in my hands, you know? And I'm saying, I don't know if you honestly want to say that, you know? There's maybe another way of going at it, and it hasn't always been a fun time. But I say to the couples, you know, there's a reason why these vows have lasted so long. You know, and I always say to them, give me a synonym for the word cherish, to love and to cherish. And it's virtually impossible for people to quickly come up with a single synonym. So they'll use phrases or multiple phrases to say, I cherish you. And I said, that's why we use the word cherish, because it's just taking you 17 words to try and say the same thing. So why don't you just use the word cherish? It's a good word.

Try it, you'll love it. When's the last time you turned to your wife and said, hey, honey, I cherish you. It's a great word. Now, this addresses the fact that nowhere in the Bible do we discover romantic love as being made the foundation or basis for marriage. In fact, in the Bible, the more biblical model is akin to that of arranged marriages. In arranged marriages in those cultures, the family members determine just who is best suited to their son or daughter, brother or sister.

I just hold that thought for a moment. You get together at breakfast one morning, and you say, sometime in the next month, as a result of family dialogue, I'd like you to choose my partner in life for me. Would you trust your brother to choose your husband for you? Would you let your sisters pick your wife? And since you think your father's nuts, are you really going to listen to his idea of who would be a good wife for you? But you know, we have something really goofed up here.

Because these children grow up under our care, and they come out and they say, does this go okay with this? Should I get this? Will I get that? Could you help me with this? I'm interested in that.

Can I have your advice on this? And then all of a sudden, they walk through the door, and they say, this is Jane, and she's going to be my wife. So where in the world did you come up with her? You never gave me a chance to comment. I'm your dad. I know you. I know you so intimately, you don't even like how much I know you. Now, don't come walking in here with Jane or Fred or Bill or whoever it is.

This is not a good idea. And you see, it is at that point that many parents bottle it. This is an aside now, because their instinctive reaction is, whoa, this is bad. But then they have all these cozy feeling towards their kids, you know, oh, but poor Fred, you know, he really hasn't had many girlfriends. And, oh, I saw the way you looked at her.

Hey, let me tell you something. The day that happens, just hit your head right off the kitchen door, firmly, just like boom, like that, really hard. Because the chances are you're about as a parent to make a major mistake. A major mistake that you will live with through all the years of what is about to ensue with your children. Believe me, I can count on my one hand, the parents who've been brave enough to intervene, I could name them for you.

It was one of the most painful experiences that I've ever been involved in. And they worked on the principle, cry now, smile later, rather than, smile now, and we'll all cry later. Now, obviously, we trust our children, after having been reared, to make choices. We don't really believe in arranged marriages, but we do want to say that when marriages are founded and grounded on emotional surges and physical attractions, then they are wide open to the possibility of disintegration.

When the feeling is gone and the body succumbs to the ravaging effects of gravity. But when a marriage is grounded in friendship and companionship and the awareness of an unending covenant, no matter what, then the possibilities of survival are markedly improved. So you see, the vows are very, very important. Because they aptly summarize the commitment that is involved, and they provide the necessary walls of protection when the winds and waves begin to beat upon the house. Husbands and wives have an abiding responsibility to live in faithfulness to those vows which one day they made in the presence of God and before a congregation of their family and their friends.

There's a lady who sings songs on a CD. I always have to ask my wife who she is, and I can't remember even now, but she has a wonderful song with the words, faithful heart, what more can one life ask, one hand to hold along life's path. Share with me this vow, and for all time, our souls will be entwined. I give this love. I live this love.

No greater joy is mine. Storms will come, but we will never part. For each of us bequeath a faithful heart. And that's why, you see, the minister asks in the marriage ceremony these questions of intent. He's asking them, do you want to get married? And since they're only about three minutes away from being married, everyone's hoping that the answer is yes. But that's what those questions are before they make their vows to one another. And the questions of intent need to be pondered carefully, because many marriages could be avoided purposefully if people understood what it was they were about to get into.

And for that reason, what I determined to do was then to work through these questions that are addressed to people. And I'm just going to give you two of them, and then I'm going to stop. And I'm not even going to take them in order.

I'm just going to pick two of them. For example, both of them are asked, will you love, honor, and keep her, or love, honor, and keep him? Now, again, it's absolutely imperative that we understand what love means in a circumstance like that. If we view love simply in terms of the words of the pop culture, a kind of secondhand emotion, then we'll be constantly in danger of throwing in the towel. However, if we understand love as it is conveyed to us in the Scriptures, as being expressed in actions which fulfill our vows, then we will be freed from the tyranny of the constant emotional ups and downs. You see, it's very, very hard for a couple on their marriage day to believe that this is even part of the question. I mean, when you stand this close to couples, my colleagues will confirm this, and you say to them, will you love her?

It's kind of like the guy's eyes are gone. Are you kidding? I mean, goodness, what kind of question is that for goodness sake? Let's get onto another question.

Yes, yes, yes. It's inconceivable. They're bursting with all kinds of desires to express their emotional, romantic feelings towards one another.

But you see, it's on a cold, rainy afternoon somewhere in the outback of Toledo. When the gas has gone off, and the car won't start, and when the rent isn't paid, and when the kids are not clothed, and when everything is coming down on your heads, that's when that question really kicks in. Because you see, the love is accompanied by honor and by keeping.

That's why these things are so very, very crucial. Can a husband fulfill the requirement of honoring his wife simply by being a good financial provider, while at the same time serving his own selfish interests in the pursuit of his hobbies? Somebody wrote to me not so long ago and said that in twenty years of marriage, the pattern has reached the point where the husband's approach is to give his wife five days a year in New England, and that is supposed to compensate for the fact that he has spent his last twenty wedding anniversaries fishing with his father and his brother. He has not been with his wife in twenty anniversaries.

After all, he said, I take you to New England, don't I? I like to punch his nose very graciously. I like to hit his head on the kitchen door compassionately and purposefully. You're nuts. You're wrong. The Bible says you're wrong, and too many wives have been put up with that kind of nonsense year after year after year, and some crazy crackerjack husband has got the idea that he can justify this by some weird manipulation of the Bible.

Not for a moment. For the husband to honor his wife means putting her first, considering her interests before his own, finding his greatest joy in seeing her blossom within marriage to the fullness of all that God intends for her. And for the wife, it will mean becoming husband-oriented in all that she does. And when a man and a woman commit to that kind of honoring of one another, it saves them from the contemporary idea of being my own person and allows them to discover the wonderful dimensions of the two becoming one. You see, this is the covenant of companionship, the hedge of protection, saving our spouses from foolish choices, taking responsibility for each other's well-being.

Will you love her and honor her and keep her? And how about in sickness and in health? For some of us, this may prove in the totality of life to be little more than dealing with routine sickness.

For others, the challenges may appear to be almost overwhelming. Eventually, we'll grow old. Wear and tear will affect us.

We will sag and drag and wear out. We recognize that as a fact of life. Irma Bombeck, that great commentator, says, illness has to be one of the tests of a marriage. That's why they put it in the marriage vows.

Everyone sort of glides over it, but it's important. For the first time, you're caught naked with your pretenses down. You're vulnerable, and you are dependent. Neither have you married to have the partner, quote, take care of you. You were supposed to be a team. And now you are being seen in a compromising scene, with your head hung into a toilet bowl at 2 a.m., while another person stands over you, taking away any shred of modesty or mystique that you might have left.

It's true? Now, that's not to diminish in any way the particular strains which are placed upon a marriage relationship in later years to minimize the financial impact, which can be devastating. But the fact is that the early onslaught of illness, when our hopes are high, our dreams are fresh, and our children are rich with potential, is a great and sore trial.

Not everyone does it. I could introduce you to people in our church who, as a result of the onslaught of illness, have not only lived with the illness, but have lived in isolation from their marriage partner ever since, because as soon as it became apparent to the wife that her husband would no longer be the provider and the performer, she was gone in an instant, leaving him behind in a wheelchair to live as a quadriplegic. One of my best friends with whom I played soccer for all the years that we were together in college, who seldom showed up at lectures at LBC before half past 10, whose hair was well down his back and whose fingers moved ably over the frets of a guitar with the expertise of a budding Eric Clapton, who was one of the funniest kids you could ever meet. In July, I went to his house purposefully with one of my other friends to find him in his wheelchair, crouched, absolutely double like this. And when he spoke to me, he had to raise his head in this way. Glenda, his wife, cutting his food, putting his drink in the right place, moving the straw for him.

For 10 solid years out of 22 years of marriage, she has been an absolute treasure in that guy's life. And some of you who sit out here have entertained thoughts of making a run for it. Because your porridge was burned? Because he was working 70 hours a week?

Don't be so silly. There are others who live with partners who have bouts of depressive illness, blindness, multiple sclerosis, and they remain to us a living testimony to their commitment to covenant companionship. And Jesus said, haven't you heard that at the beginning he made them male and female? And for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. That's marriage. It's not fornication. It's not adultery. It's not homosexuality.

It's God's divine mandate. And here in this book, we have the plan and pattern for living life in a way that I believe is going to be so radical in its implications that one of the greatest statements for the transforming power of the risen Christ in a life and in a home will be in men and women, prepared through thick and thin, mountains and valleys, failure and success, to say no to the slip-roads, and yes to God's plan. There is certainly a lot for us to consider as we think about the differences between romantic love and a marriage covenant. Today's teaching from Alistair Begg is the conclusion of a message titled, Marriage, a Covenant, not a Contract, and Alistair will return shortly to close today's program. If you've been enjoying this series titled, We Two Are One, you can own the complete study on a USB. There are four additional series from Alistair included, so this collection of studies covers topics like family life, parental priorities, the workplace, and more.

In fact, in all, there are 42 messages on the USB. It's titled, God's Design for Life Together, and you'll find it at truthforlife.org slash store for five dollars. Don't forget about Alistair's book, Lasting Love, How to Avoid Marital Failure. It's another excellent supplement to our current series on marriage. I think most of us have heard the statistics on divorce or have been affected by divorce in our own families. In this book, Lasting Love, Alistair shows that with God, failure is never final.

In fact, as we learned in today's message, God didn't design the marriage covenant to be broken. When you read the book, Lasting Love, you'll learn how to avoid the pitfalls of marriage or how to make repairs when they're needed. You'll also learn how to build and protect your relationship with your spouse so that it will last a lifetime, and the discussion questions at the back of the book will help you apply those lessons right away. Now, we're only offering the book, Lasting Love, for a couple more days, so be sure to request it when you donate to the ministry today at truthforlife.org slash donate. By the way, there are nearly 3,000 audio and video messages available to be accessed for free on our website, and you can also read articles drawn from Alistair's teaching. New articles are posted each week. The articles cover a wide variety of topics, and just like Alistair's sermons, they're all free to share.

You'll find the most recent articles at truthforlife.org slash articles. Now here's Alistair to close with prayer. God our Father, we thank you for the extreme practicality of your Word, that it addresses our lives.

Teenagers sitting here thinking about the prospect of it, hearing all the horror stories, reading the magazines, watching as various marriages crumble in the dust, and saying to themselves, I don't know, I just don't know. Lord God, I pray that you will fill them with such a desire to live in purity before their marriage, that they may live in fidelity during their marriage, and that they may know the joy and the freedom and the fullness that comes in giving themselves up unreservedly to your divine pattern and plan. Bless us then, we pray to this end. Help us for Jesus' sake. Amen. I'm Bob Lapine. Thanks for listening. The Bible assures us that husbands and wives are spiritually equal, so why did God assign the leadership role to husbands? Hear the answer when you join us tomorrow. The Bible teaching of Alistair Begg is furnished by Truth for Life, where the Learning is for Living.