When Marriage Gets Difficult #2

Welcome to The Truth Pulpit with Dawn Green, Founding Pastor of Truth Community Church in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Hello again, I'm Bill Wright. It is our joy to continue our commitment to teaching God's people God's Word. Today Dawn is continuing with the second part of a message we started last time.

So let's get right to it. Open your Bible as we join Dawn now in The Truth Pulpit. Now, we've just in very general terms set forth a picture of marriage as God intended it to be. And in the loftiness of the principles and the loftiness of the intentions of God, you start to get the idea that marriage was intended to be a very special union that was designed to bring joy to the man and woman in the relationship. That's why Scripture talks about marriage as being a grace of life, the grace of life in 1 Peter chapter 3. But the reality is, alongside the lofty principles of marriage, the reality is that marriage often is difficult.

Wow, no one seems shocked that I made that statement. That's great. You're tracking with me. The reality is that marriage is often difficult. And I want to take a moment on a couple of illustrations here, one a reference that I'll get to in just a second, another by a true story from prior experience in ministry here, to kind of illustrate all of this and to bring it out. Our second point is going to be when marriage gets difficult. And we've been dealing with the matter of easy divorce and how quickly sin enters in.

The question is, what do we do when marriage gets difficult? That's the question that we're eventually getting to here this evening. But first of all, I want to describe a cartoon of all things. I don't know if I've ever quoted a cartoon in a message, but it has a very serious and very helpful perspective on things that I'm going to contrast with something else. The cartoon, the title caption of it is, is The Six Stages of Marriage, and has a progression of drawings of a couple as they advance through life.

Okay, that's the general picture of it. And in the first panel of the cartoon, you see a picture of this happy couple on the beach. They're in their wedding clothes. They're in their 20s, and it's their wedding day. And they are saying to each other, you're the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Then you come to the next panel, and the couple is now sitting on the couch, but their backs are turned to each other.

And they're sitting on the edge of the couch with a good deal of space between them. And they're simultaneously saying, you're not as great as I thought. And then the next panel, they're in their 40s. They're outside, and they're in an argument. And the man and the woman say to each other, you need to be changed. And in the next panel, they're in their 50s.

They're back at the beach. And they're obviously older now. And they simultaneously say, you can't be changed.

They've given up. Then in their 60s or in their 70s, the next panel shows them hugging in their older age. They're embracing one another. And they say, I accept you as you are. And then in the final panel, it's come full circle. And the words are, you're the greatest thing that ever happened to me. The sad part is, is it's the man sitting at his wife's grave.

And it's come full circle, sitting by her by her grave. I appreciate that cartoon. I don't recommend the cartoon.

It's usually it can be okay. I don't read it on a regular basis. It can be very irreverent at times, but pearls before swine is where that came from. I remember reading this cartoon years ago.

I Googled for it as I was preparing for this, and it popped up. And I said, okay, this fits. What I like about it, what I like about it is that there is a life realism about what it says here. And I want to contrast it. I want to contrast it with something from ministry. And I've been in ministry a long time.

And so just keep that in mind. And don't assume that you have any idea who I'm talking about. Years ago in ministry, I was aware of a couple that projected this image of the happy ideal family. You could see it in the social media pictures, the staged pictures with the kids, and with the parents, and on vacation, and all of that. What a great husband, what great kids, blah, blah, blah. And this was a professing Christian family of which I speak.

Now I will never forget. I will never forget counseling with a different family member one brief time. And that other family member referring to the couple said in passing this was not the point that they came to me at all.

This had nothing to do with why they came. They just said it in passing. They said, I am so tired of family discussions that revolve around their marriage problems.

And so you had the picture that was painted and portrayed and projected, and then you had the reality. Now listen, beloved, I want to be really clear on why I'm saying these things. I'm saying these things to help you. And as we're talking about when marriage gets difficult, I want you to know my perspective on the marriage troubles that inevitably, and certainly many of you have, or that you have had in the past.

Maybe your spouse is gone, and you know, all of that. It is not a problem to have problems. It is a problem to actively pretend that you're someone that you're not.

That's a problem. Because when you pretend that you're someone that you're not, and you go out of your way to create this image in the presence of others, one, you're practicing deception against the commandment that you shall not lie. But beyond that, and for the sake of those of you in the room, the reason that I am so, the reason that I mention that and that I'm kind of animated against it is this. It's for your sake, not for anybody that, you know, doesn't even have any involvement with my ministry any longer. I realize and I know that people like that can be a great discouragement if you are having difficulties.

Why don't I have the great marriage they obviously have? And we all know this, if we just stop and think about it for a moment. You know, social media is just like movie producers that show you only within the viewfinder what they want you to see. And they leave out everything else in order to drive you to a conclusion about a particular image. What I detest about that, and why I speak against that, and why I think that Christians should not try to portray themselves in any particular fashion about their families.

On social media is because of the discouraging, deadening effect it has on those who say, my life's not like that. Obviously there's something wrong with me, and you withdraw, and people don't feel the freedom to even get help because of the pressure that is brought to bear upon their lives and upon their minds by people who don't even have the reality that they pretend to have. That's what I really object to. I object to the deception of it, I object to the hypocrisy of it, and I object, and as a pastor I have a duty before God to protect the flock from such false influences discouraging them in their marriage and in their walk with Christ. I'm not going to have anything to do with that, or at least I'm going to speak against it when I can, as I can here tonight. That's the problem, and think about it, beloved.

I take it as a given that generally speaking, generally speaking, Christians tend to act that way, and I think it's a sad state of affairs when a comic strip is more honest about the nature of life and the nature of marriage than many, if not most, Christians are. That ain't right. That's not the way it should be, and so we want to keep it real here tonight in the time that we have left.

I suppose I should say this is not news. I've said this in the past. Nancy and I have gone through some challenging times in our marriage. The early years of our marriage in particular were difficult. I used to joke and say it was all her fault.

I don't do that anymore. This is not a joking matter. The truth is that I've been the source of those problems with my bad attitudes and my sullen disposition in private and things like that, and that's more than enough about it. This isn't about me or my marriage or anything like that, but just enough for you to see that I'm not trying to play the game of projecting things myself. I'm here for you in need of grace, having received much grace from God and much grace from my wife over the course of 36 years of marriage next month, 36 years, and so I'm not here to play the image game with you as we speak here. I'm just here to help you and to give you some simple guidance on when marriage gets difficult. That's our second point here.

For this evening. I suppose I should say one other thing before we move on to that is that I'm not presupposing that every one of you have difficulties in your marriage. I'm not assuming anything one way or the other about your marriage relationship or your future marriage relationship. I'm not assuming anything here. I'm just acknowledging what is the reality is that marriage is often difficult, and so, you know, let's keep it real and deal with it from that perspective.

Now, here's a point that I want you to remember to write down if you're taking notes or at least try to remember it for 30 minutes after the message is over, and then I'll remind you another time. Marriage troubles, marriage difficulties, even between two Christians, marriage difficulties, marriage troubles, even between two Christians, they are to be expected. They are to be expected, beloved, and that is easy to prove from the Bible itself.

That is easy to prove from the Bible itself. I spent five minutes mentally going through the Bible in just a quick fly through mental activity, thinking about marriage and marriage difficulties in Scripture. Without trying, without even trying, I came up with 12 different books of the Bible.

I'm not saying this is all of them. I just came up with six Old Testament books and six New Testament books that deal with marriage difficulties or describe marriage difficulties in narrative texts without even trying. And so in the Old Testament, you could go to Genesis, Deuteronomy, you could go to Judges and think about Samson and his terrible married life.

You could go to the book of Proverbs, which talks about living with a contentious woman. You can go to the book of Hosea and read about the prophet who had an adulterous wife. You go to the New Testament and the precepts of the New Testament, and you see marriage difficulties described or aspects of marriage difficulties described in 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5 we already alluded to, the book of Colossians, chapter 3, 1 Peter, chapter 3. Titus chapter 2 speaks about older women teaching younger women how to love their husbands and to love their children. The book of Hebrews talks about how the marriage bed is to be kept undefiled.

Beloved, maybe the questions never occurred to you. Why, why does the New Testament talk about marriage so much and seem to be addressing marriage issues so often? It's because marriage gets difficult.

It's because marriage troubles are to be expected. It's because even in the apostolic era, people in the church were having difficulties with their marriage, difficulties with sexual purity, and therefore God in His grace through the apostles is giving them instruction on how to have a more sanctified approach to marriage. You'll notice I left out the gospels where Jesus talks about marriage so often in that. You know, you could easily get, I'm sure you could easily get to half of the Bible in one way or another addressing half of the books of the Bible, in one way or another addressing marriage difficulties. Now, if I'm you and I'm in a difficult marriage, married to another Christian, married to a non-Christian, all of a sudden the simple knowledge that Scripture speaks honestly to this is a great encouragement to me. I see that God has anticipated it in advance. God deals with reality in the Scriptures. The Bible speaks to us as we really are rather than to what, you know, to what we're not, and it comes alongside us in our problems and shows us a way forward. And so marriage troubles are to be expected, and what do you do when marriage gets difficult?

I'm going to go quickly through five quick points. Let me start with a word of encouragement. If marriage has brought you sorrow and hurt, beloved, all is not lost.

All is not lost. Remember your Lord. Remember what Scripture says about Christ.

In Hebrews 4 we read, we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace that you may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. We find that in our marriage difficulties that the throne of grace is open 24-7 to us, and that the one who sits on that throne of grace sympathizes with us, and that you can come to him and say, Lord, this spouse is impossible, or Lord, I have heard and violated my spouse.

I have not been the spouse I needed to be. Whether you recognize that you're the issue or you think your spouse is the issue, you can go to him with all of that, pour out your heart before him, and find grace to help you in the midst of the difficulty. I find that very encouraging, and I'll say more about, you know, relationships within the church in just a moment, I guess. What do you find when you come to Christ? What do you find when you turn to Christ and in his word? I'm just going to quickly give you five things here and just remind you that you can ask me, and I'll be happy to talk about this more.

I just need to hear from you if that would be meaningful to you. First of all, what do you find when you turn to Christ and his word about this? Well, number one's kind of a hard one, but it Scripture will remind you that you are also a sinner in this season of life and in this difficulty. It's not just your spouse that is the sinner. Scripture says in James 3, 2, we all stumble in many ways, and so my dear brother, my dear son, in many ways, and so my dear brother, my dear sister, let me encourage you in this way with this word of counsel and encouragement.

Temper, restrain your sense of entitlement, restrain your sense of frustration with a little bit of humility. Say, you know, at this point I'm not trying to talk you out of how bad your spouse is or how bad the problem is. I'm not trying to talk you out of that at all. All I'm saying is just step back from a moment and say take a deep breath and say, you know what, I'm a sinner here too. I may not see how my sin has contributed to the problem. I may think it's all his fault, but Scripture tells me that I stumble also. Maybe there's something that I've done wrong over the course of our relationship. Maybe I've contributed to this problem in a way that I don't recognize, and, you know, as Jesus says elsewhere, you know, you take out the log that's in your own eye before you address the speck that's in your spouse's eye. That's always a good place to start.

That's a very broad principle. You're a sinner too, not just your spouse. Now secondly, when marriage gets difficult, you remember that you're a sinner also. Secondly, you should remember this, is that in one way or another God himself has appointed this season for you. God has appointed this season for you.

God even ordained that wicked men would crucify his son as we read in Acts chapter 2 verse 23. God uses all things to accomplish his purpose. The Bible says in Ephesians chapter 1 that he works all things after the counsel of his own will, and so what that means is there is a purpose from God for you in this life with your difficult spouse. There is a purpose in it even if you cannot feel it or you cannot see it.

You can't begin to comprehend how this anything good would come out of this. The truth of the matter is that God has sovereign purposes in everything that happens to you, and if a difficult marriage is part of your life right now, God has a purpose in that for you that will prove to be good in the end. Thirdly, when marriage gets difficult, here's where church relationships come in a bit, and I'm not going to apologize for what I have to say here. Thirdly, be discerning in the counsel that you seek. Be discerning in the counsel you seek.

I could state it a different way. Be careful about who you talk about your marriage difficulties with, even in the church, even in the church, especially within the church. Now we all have a tendency, we prefer people who tell us what we want to hear rather than people who tell us things that don't necessarily agree with us. It's one of my greatest weaknesses, but in your season of difficult marriage, beloved, you need someone who will tell you the truth, not someone who exacerbates the issue by telling you how right you are and what a bad spouse you must have and aren't you the victim here. You need someone who will speak truth to you even if it hurts. Proverbs 27 verse 6 says, faithful are the wounds of a friend.

And so, beloved, now we're getting down to the real brass tacks, and perhaps in a way that applies even more to the younger couples in our midst than to the older ones. Remember the point here is be discerning in the counsel you seek. Do not go to the so-called social media influencers for counsel on what to do. They're just telling you what you want to hear.

They're telling you that which will get them clicks and subscribers and all of that. Don't go to them. And even more, don't be one of them.

Don't be one of them. You know, if you're in your 20s or 30s, you've got nothing to say really from your experience in marriage and child-rearing to help other people. If your family's still young, you don't know what lies ahead. You don't know what's going to happen in your family.

You don't know how your kids are going to turn out. I read something, didn't document the source of it, but it was along these lines. This is not a direct quote, but it's talking about pastors. And the young pastor will have a message titled six rules for a happy marriage. You know, keep these rules and your marriage will be happy. Then he gets midway through his ministry and he says some guiding principles for your marriage. And then by the end of his ministry, you get more to where I'm at. Well, here's a couple of suggestions that might work for you.

Here's a couple of suggestions that might work for you. The idea is life has a way of humbling you. And if you haven't been humbled yet in life by your marriage or by your children, maybe it's time for you to stay quiet rather than to assume that you've got all the answers. Let me go further, speaking within the room here. I'm often mindful of the people outside our walls listen to our messages sometimes, but let me speak within the room here. And especially to those of you newer to our church, those of you younger, this is so very important. You should not assume that everyone who attends Truth Community Church is wise.

You should not assume that everyone who attends Truth Community Church is even trustworthy. We have a church that's just large enough that a lot of people come and go, and we don't really know them all that well. We don't know everybody really well.

There are different levels of relationships. And maybe you get connected with somebody who seems friendly and knowledgeable, but just be careful. Just be careful about that when you don't really know. You can always come to the elders and say, you know, I'd like somebody to talk to. Who do you recommend that I talk to? We have a bit of an idea of who's trustworthy. We have people that we gladly refer others to say, you can talk you can talk to this person and be confident in what they say. And let us help you rather than just being a little bit too trusting and undiscerning and just assuming because someone sits next to you that they're going to be a capable counselor for you.

That may not be the case at all. Let me say this too. You ask them, are you a member here? How long have you been here? You're not a member. Why is it that you're avoiding membership?

Why have you not become a member? Because, you know, in a church that emphasizes membership for someone to be at the church for a period of time and consciously avoiding it, I'm not talking about people who are new, still getting acquainted. I'm talking about those who consciously distance themselves sometimes with criticisms of the church and yet keep coming. Those are people to stay away from.

If they aren't settled in their spiritual convictions enough to commit to a local church, beloved, they are not going to help you be settled in your marriage. So just be careful. Now look, I know, I know that what I just said probably will manage to offend a few people, but I don't care about that. I don't care about offending people by saying something, first of all, that's true, and I also don't care about offending someone if it will have the effect that it will protect you from ungodly counsel and ungodly influences that you don't recognize at first glance. I'd rather have them mad at me than destroying you. So let your elders guide you to someone trustworthy. Scripture says the elders are there to watch over your soul.

We're happy to do that. So be discerning in the counsel that you seek. Fourthly, this season of difficulty in your marriage, beloved, as grinding and difficult and as much as it may seem like there's no way forward, this season of difficulty in your marriage is not more than you can handle.

It is not more than you can handle. God measures His trials out to you very carefully. He has a scale, so to speak, I'm using a metaphor here, and He measures out every grain of sand that contributes to the weight of your trial, and He knows it precisely. He knows you better than you know yourself, and He measures all of that out, and through it all He says, my grace is sufficient for you, 2 Corinthians 12. And sometimes the effect, if not the actual ultimate intent of an extended difficulty in your message, is simply to humble you and to teach you to treasure Christ as your ultimate sense of love and source of love and fulfillment and to learn to lean on Him and to drive out some of the pride that's in your heart.

You know, it's kind of hard to carry yourself with a proud, boastful attitude when you know that at home you've got a marriage that you can't, you're not, you're not able to work it out. That's humbling. That's healthy in a long-term spiritual perspective. And fifthly, finally, time got away from me again.

Imagine that. God will bring you through this season to a place of blessing. God will bring you through this season. He will bring you through this difficult message, this difficult message.

Okay, yeah, it's been a difficult message, but you know that's not what I meant. This difficult marriage. And He'll bring you through this difficult message to a place of blessing. The plan of Christ is always to transform your sorrows into ultimate blessing for you. In 2nd Corinthians 4 we read, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. This affliction that your marriage has brought to you for a time, it's not permanent, it's not eternal.

God's using it to shape you, to sanctify you, and to prepare you for blessing that you would otherwise have missed in the end. So, to bring all of this down to an immediate landing on the runway, what do you do when marriage gets difficult? You remember Christ and you keep your eyes on the prize.

We'll leave it there for tonight. Let's bow in prayer. Gracious Father, there are precious, precious men and women before you. Some experienced in marriage, some knowing joy and very little difficulty in their marriage. Father, we thank you for that and for the gift of the grace of life that you've given to them. Others long for marriage, it's withheld from them. Some are on the brink of marriage. Father, be gracious to them in your own way. And for those that are in the middle and those that know what seasons of difficulty in marriage are like, would you pour out your grace, your comfort, your generous kindness to them, to strengthen their hearts, to know that they are not alone, first of all, that you are with us always, even to the end of the age, to let them know that even in the church, within the people of God, there are others walking through difficulty, even if they don't know it for themselves, and let them find comfort and a sense of closer intimacy with you as you work out your will in their lives through the institution of marriage that you appointed. Thank you for this time.

It may be an encouragement and a protection for many. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen. Well, my friend, just before we close today's broadcast, I just wanted to give a special word of greeting and thanks to the many people that listen to our podcast internationally. It's remarkable to me. The last report that I saw listed 83 different countries that in one way or another are listening to us. And I just want to send a special word of greeting to those of you that are in lands that are distant from my own home here in the United States. You know, we've seen people from every continent except maybe Antarctica and people from countries like Ireland and Australia and Singapore, Canada, the UK, India.

I have friends in all of those countries. And whether you've met me face to face or whether you only know me as a voice through your favorite device, I just want to say God bless you. Thank you for your interest in the word of God. And may the Spirit of God work deeply in your heart as you continue to study God's word. Thank you for being with us. Thank you for your prayers. God bless you. My prayers and love are with you as well. And we'll see you next time on The Truth Pulpit. That's Don Green, founding pastor of Truth Community Church in Cincinnati, Ohio. Thank you so much for listening to The Truth Pulpit. Join us next time for more as we continue teaching God's people God's word.