Marriage and the Gospel, Part 3

Today on Summit Life, Pastor J.D. Greer talks about the ultimate purpose of marriage. Maybe God's ways are best after all. Maybe God has allowed your marriage to be as lousy as it is because he wants you to see something deeper and that is his ways are best and that through pursuing his path of obedience and blessing you can have that marital union that you dreamed of when you were dating but have given up on since you got married. Welcome to Summit Life with pastor, author, and theologian J.D.

Greer. As always, I'm your host, Molly Vitovich. You know, deep down a lot of people believe the biblical view of marriage is outdated and unequal, especially as it relates to the topic of submission. But God's design for marriage is perfect. It's timeless and beautiful and it reveals and reflects Christ. Today, Pastor J.D. invites his wife Veronica to join him as they talk about the connection between marriage and the gospel. We're in 1 Peter chapter 3 verses 1 through 7 and Pastor J.D. 's teaching about what it means for a husband to lead.

Let's rejoin them once again here on Summit Life. Guys, listen, listen. I lose a thousand arguments. I will honor her in a thousand decisions so that I can speak with authority into the right ones. Some of you guys assert yourself in all the wrong ones. You assert yourself in all these wrong ones where you serve yourself and then you're totally absent from the right ones where you should be protecting your family and serving them. I love this statement. Guys, you ought to write this down.

I promise you to get your points for your wife if you pull out a pen right now and start writing this down. Spiritual leadership is not licensed to do what you want to do. It is empowerment to do what you ought to do. Guys, listen. I should lead my wife in a way that her submission to me is a blessing, not a burden. Here's one. Guys, a guy believes that they're called to the mission field and the girl doesn't.

What do you do? Well, first you talk about it extensively. Maybe she's got valid reasons why. Maybe a lot of times guys get, you know, they'll be flighty and spiritual and they're not really thinking through all the things and maybe she's got some valid points. But to the wife, listen. After you make your reasons known, at the end of the day, that's one of those arenas that you've got to make your reasons known but then you have to be subject to him. You say, well, but I disagree. Submission implies disagreement. Right? It's not submission if it's not agreement.

If you only submit when you agree, that's not submission, it's agreement. All right? Again, let me real quick, I want you to look at two more verses in here and then I'm going to bring the varsity squad up here and let her give you some perspective on these.

All right? But real quick, go to verse three. Go to verse three. Slight change of topic but you'll see how it all ties together. Verse three, don't let your adorning be external, the braiding of hair, the putting on of gold jewelry, the clothing that you wear, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which in God's sight is very precious.

All right? So what Peter now is doing is talking to wives about two different kinds of beauty. There's a kind of beauty that the world that we live in always prioritizes and tells you to go after.

It's external. It deals with clothing and how in shape your body is and the money value of your jewelry. But then Peter talks about another kind of beauty, the beauty that comes from Christ's likeness, that we're gentle, by the way. That we're gentle is a word that's used throughout the Gospels repeatedly to describe Jesus. So he's saying there is a greater beauty that is at work inside you.

It is Jesus's beauty and that is a beauty that never perishes. Now again, I told you that I thought the Varsity Squad would help in giving you some perspective. So I'm going to ask my wife if she will come up here and join me and I'm going to ask her a few questions. Would you mind welcoming at all of our campuses?

Welcome my wife to the stage. How you doing? Great. All right.

All right. So I got three questions for you, maybe four. So here's question number one. Can a woman with a strong personality still have a quiet spirit like Peter's talking about? The passage is talking about your spirit and it's actually possible, more than possible, to be outwardly quiet or reserved and yet have anything but a quiet and gentle spirit that this passage is talking about. The question is, are you surrendered to God? And then if you're married, this passage is connecting it directly to how you treat and relate to your husband. So are you surrendered to God, submitted to God, and are you submitting to your husband? So it has nothing to do with the outward expression. Question number two. It's about submission. What does it mean to you? Tell them what it means to you to submit and then do you feel inferior when you do?

That's a good one. So I think an example of when I've had to submit, like JD said earlier, it doesn't happen that often. But an example was about a year ago when we moved. And JD felt very strongly where we lived before that we needed to move to be closer to the church.

He doesn't really have a nine to five job, so he wanted to be able to be home as much as was like physically possible. And so he felt like we needed to move to make that more possible. I, on the other hand, did not feel like we needed to move. I felt like we lived close enough. I loved our cul-de-sac lot. We had a great fence and we had neighbors with kids our kids ages. I mean, I just, you know, I just didn't feel that way. Plus, we had a super target two miles away.

Who needs dad home when you got a super target two miles away is all I'm saying. So anyway, after several years of me just trying to wait him out and I guess thinking he would forget about it or something. Pretty sure he was doing the same thing for that time. I finally realized it wasn't going to happen and we were feeling the exact same ways and so I was going to have to submit. He didn't say that.

He didn't demand that. I just, the Lord made it clear to me and I just knew it was what I had to do. So we moved. Now I'm not going to lie to you, I still have to go visit my super target. I miss it so much. So I still miss my super target desperately, but he is home far more than he ever was before. It makes him so much happier.

My kids see him so much more and they are so much happier. It's a pretty good trade. So the second part of that question, do you feel inferior when you do? No, definitely not. I mean, like JD mentioned earlier, when I can manage it and the few times I've had to do it, I feel like I'm in good company because you see the best example of it in the Trinity. And so when I can manage to do it there in the right way, I see it as a Christ-like attribute and I see it as a victory. So no, I think that would be the best advice that I can give to single women in here, young single women. And that is, JD makes it easy also, on top of that, JD makes it easy for me to follow him. So I would tell you as a single woman, marry someone that you will find it easy to follow and you won't end up in a situation where you're like really fighting this really difficult battle to submit because you've married someone that you respect and trust and you can do it. Yeah, and that's probably a really important point to kind of, because I know a lot of this seems to be for married people, but we talk to single girls all the time who this is a compromise situation for them and they almost get angry when you start suggesting that they ought to be waiting for a better spiritual leader. You know, why would you, I love this guy, you know, like this is a minor issue. You're like, you know, you're going to bring kids, if you have them, underneath the direction of this guy, if you're going to obey the Bible, do you really want to put yourself in a situation like that? And I think, I mean, I think that's a huge issue.

You realize that it's not, God tells you that for your good to wait for the guy who will lead spiritually and that you would joyfully be able to follow. Yeah, definitely. So you don't feel inferior. Tell them that story that Charis about how she sees this because that's an awesome story. To you.

No, no, they'll like it, I promise. Okay, since we're talking about submission. So. That's good.

Good example. So this was years ago. My oldest daughter is eight now, but I was taking her to preschool one day. I can't believe I ever told you this story.

So this is years ago and we weren't talking about anything related to this. She was just pulling one of those kid moments that kids will do out of the blue. I don't have no idea where this came from.

She says, she's in the back of the car. Mom, did God put daddy in charge because he's taller than you? I was like, no. And I'm thinking, oh, it's a teachable moment.

Take advantage of the teachable moment. You know, like, okay. So I'm kind of racking my brain thinking how to like answer. And she says, so she jumps in before I can say anything. She says, oh, well, did he put him in charge because he's stronger than you? No. Okay. So I'm like, you know, really trying to put my answer together.

You know, it's kind of early in the morning and whatever. And I can see her little brain working and I know that she's getting ready to ask me, did he put him in charge because he's smarter than you? And I'm like, no, don't let her get there because how are you going to like curve that?

You know, so she comes out with, did he put him in charge because he's smarter than you? And I was like, no. I scored higher than him on the SAT. So, you know, take that. Only about 10 points.

And because they changed the standard between when I took it and when you took it. All right. Question number three. Last question here.

How well, okay, this passage verses three and four talk about inner beauty and outer beauty and talking about focusing on inner beauty. Tell them what that means to you. And then maybe a comment about how you feel like women at our church do with that whole thing. Say what I'm not courageous enough to say. First, I really feel like I should confess to you that this is coming from someone who herself struggles valiantly with trying to dress with in a way that I think is fashionable, attractive, hopefully cute, and yet still modest. And that gets harder all the time, I think, with some of our fashions. I'm definitely constantly fighting the battle of, I'd rather be found in style a lot of times, just in my heart. I'd rather be found in style or more fashionable and let the men around me, you know, worry about themselves than be found wanting in the style department or the fashion department and honor God and honor the men around me. And that's just something I struggle with all the time.

So, I want you to know that I understand the battle and I understand the struggle. Just a few weeks ago, to be really honest, I brought home, I put on some jeans and JD said, uh, those are kind of tight, aren't they? And I'm thinking internally, my internal dialogue is tight. Well, I mean, they're fitted. They're not tight though. They're not too tight. Plus, I mean, I really like these. Please, please. I want to keep them.

But I could tell by the look on his face that it pained him to say anything anyway, and they had to go back. Can I be sister V here? I know JD is uncle JD, but I'm like much younger than him. So, I'm going to be your sister V here maybe for a minute. Not so young that it's sketchy, by the way.

We were within the range of, okay. I just look a lot younger. So, I'll be sister V. Girls, single girls, the men that you are attracting with the sort of new trend of like the tights worn in his pants, that thing and this, you know, vacuum packed jeans and things that are very in style right now, those are not the men that you are going to want to be married to. Think about you. Think future here. It's hard to do when you're young, I know, because I've, you know, I was there. But when you've been married for 11 years and you've had his four children, do you want to be worried about him and know that you don't look the same as you did when you attracted him with those things?

No. You definitely want to be married to someone who was not drawn to the person showing the most in the room. You probably want to be married to the one who, you know, is dressed terribly and likes you when you're dressed terribly. But just think future. And once you've had four kids and when you lay down on the bed, your stomach lies down politely next to you, you want to know that he was not attracted to you just for your cleavage or your tush.

You want to know he was attracted. Did you just say the word tush? Did you just say the word tush? I have a three-year-old. Give me a break here.

You know that what he was attracted to you in the first place for was not that, and it's not what's keeping him thin either. You're listening to Summit Life with J.D. Greer. For more information about this ministry, visit jdgreer.com. And while you're there, I want to remind you about an amazing free resource that we have available for you. It's Pastor JD's Ask Me Anything podcast. Have you ever had tough questions about the Bible, maybe theology, money, relationships, or parenthood, and you aren't sure where to turn for solid biblical wisdom? On Ask Me Anything, Pastor JD provides quick and practical answers to your most challenging questions. The goal is to share biblical truth and practical advice that can help you grow in your faith and navigate life difficulties. If you're a fan of Summit Life's teaching, you won't want to miss this free podcast, and you can access Ask Me Anything with J.D. Greer by visiting jdgreer.com slash podcasts or by searching in your favorite podcast platform.

So why wait? Subscribe to Ask Me Anything today. Now let's get back to today's teaching. Once again, here's Pastor JD. Any words that you would have just for just a general encouragement for the women? And I thought there's probably some implications for us, too, as guys on this.

Yeah. So just two last thoughts that I mentioned to JD. Ladies, I think I've dressed modestly in the past more.

Well, not think. I know I dressed modestly in the past when I managed it more out of just a result of severe training by my mom and dad that I'm thankful for. But it was more out of just a result of that, a sense of duty than anything else.

But as I've been in the ministry with J.D. over the years, there's been something else that has become a big motivator for me now. And that's something I would love to share with you because it's really helped me. And that is dealing with women who have been devastated by their husband's addiction to pornography. And them explaining to me and sharing with me how difficult it was to be out and seeing the women that were screaming, just screaming for men to look at them and lust after their bodies, and how when they came to church, it wasn't really a haven at all.

There were just as many women in the church with bare backs, bare cleavage, see-through tights worn as pants, you know, as in the church as there were outside the church, and how that was just really, really hard for them and their husbands. And when it was my friend that changed it and I wanted to help them as much as I could with whatever I could manage to do for them and wear and not wear, you know, if I were in their position, I would want them to do the same for me. I think that's something that's really helped me, and I hope maybe you can think that way, too, because it's real. I mean, there are men here today that are fighting that battle right here today.

So if you think that way, I think it could help you. The other last thing I'll say is to the men, and that is this. We need your support in this.

We really do. We need you to take inventory of the women that you gravitate towards in your life, and think if they dress modestly or immodestly, and if it's more the latter, if they dress immodestly, change your ways. We need you to help us just like you want us to help you in your battle to not, you know, less after women and by what we wear.

You want us to help you with that. We need you to help us in fighting that battle of not vying for your attention by who you give the attention to. I mean, JD's a man. I love what he does, you know, when we run into someone, either in the movies or even out or something, who's not wearing something that, you know, wearing enough clothes or something. I mean, he notices he's a man, but after the reflexive notice, he always goes like with the same way every time I love it. He goes, oh, whoa, she's like not wearing enough clothes.

And he like, you know, and like with a total disdainful look on his face. So he's trained himself to do that. And it always makes me feel like he values a woman in that moment who is wearing enough clothes, who is wearing modest things. And it encourages me to do that. He's even like helped me when I'm choosing a bathing suit, choose one that is more modest and rather than one is that is less modest.

And so that's that's what I call support. Tell the women in your life, if there's an appropriate moment to tell the woman in your life that you appreciate how she is dressing modestly, do it. I tell JD all the time that I need him to tell me that he still thinks I am sexy, even when I'm choosing to wear something less revealing rather than more revealing, because the world sure ain't telling me that.

You probably should clarify that you mean husbands tell your wives that or a sister, we're not talking about going up to random women at the church and be like, there ain't no way I can lust for you wearing that. Thanks. Yes, yes.

I mean, I mean, your husband, your wife for your sister. Like I said, that's all I've got. Thank you, babe.

Thanks. We all let you know. Let me pull this together for you real quick by taking you back to the text one more time, because I want you to see how all this ties together. I'm gonna do this very briefly.

So these are the effects of when you live this way. There are three of them you see there very briefly. Just note them, give you a thought about them, and then we'll we're going to end. Men, when you honor your wives, number one, your prayers are not hindered. Your prayers are not hindered. You see that in verse seven? That's a pretty dramatic statement, isn't it? That your relationship with your wife when you are not to her what you should be, that your actual prayers to God are hindered.

Continue the internal logic of that. It's actually a general scriptural principle you'll find in a number of places. When you approach God in prayer, right, you are approaching him from a position of weakness. God is in a position of strength. You are in a position of weakness, and you are asking God in prayer to help you in your position of weakness. What he's saying is, if you have used your position of strength to serve yourself, why would you think God would use his position of strength to serve you? Men, if you are dominating your wife, if you are serving yourself, if you are interested in what you have as opposed to sacrificially giving it up the way Christ gave it up for you, if you are not doing that with your family, don't expect God to hear your prayers because God's not going to use a position of strength to serve you in a way that you're not serving others.

Does that make sense? My challenge to you is go home and ask your wife. Some of you men haven't had an answered prayer, a good one in a long time. If you're man enough, this will take some manness. You sit down with your wife and say, why isn't God answering my prayers? And you pull out a pen and a piece of paper and you get ready to write it down. Why isn't God answering my prayers? That's my challenge to you.

Number two, here's your second effect. You begin to live together. I was arrested by that phrase in verse seven, live together, because I remember I mentioned to you that there are so many marriages I find where it's a roommate situation, two people living two lives under the same roof. Peter, when he says live together means that you're in this union, you're in this harmony together. Maybe some of you, listen, maybe just maybe, some of you the pitiful state of your marriage right now will maybe put you in a position where you would say, maybe God's ways are best after all. Maybe God has allowed your marriage to be as lousy as it is because he wants you to see something deeper and that is his ways are best and that through pursuing his path of obedience and blessing you can have that marital union that you dreamed of when you were dating but have given up on since you got married.

Here's the third effect. You see it there in verse one and verse four. You preach the gospel to a cynical world. You preach the gospel to a cynical world. Listen, our marriages ought to be the greatest apologetic of the gospel.

Apologetic means argument. Our marriages ought to be the greatest argument for the gospel of anything that we have in our community here. We preach the gospel to our community and our marriages in different ways.

Men and how they serve, wives and how they submit. Peter is picking up on this theme. Have you seen it? We always think the way that we become convincing is by having better arguments than the other guys. So let's line up our smart guys and show why our smart guys are smarter than their smart guys. We think the way to win a cynical world is to have a charismatic speaker who tells funny and emotional stories. We think the way to attract the watching world is to do the best program, lights and music, of anybody. You know what that does? That gets bored Christians from other churches.

That's all that does. You want to convince a true cynic, he says, there's a greater beauty. There's a more powerful beauty and it doesn't come through how right you are. It comes from how much like Jesus you are, that gentle spirit. Because in there you start to see the power of the resurrection. That's the power of the cross.

There is a greater beauty, see, a greater beauty, a greater power that is in the power of the cross and resurrection than is in anything else. By the way, wise, do you see that in there where it said that if you want to change your husband, how do most of you try to change your husband? You nag him to death, right? Without a word, without a word, he says, you'll change him. You think the way to change your husband is by beating him down and wearing him down through your constant complaining. A newsflash, it ain't working and it ain't going to work, right? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and thinking you're going to get different results. It ain't working.

I don't care how many blogs you make him read and how many ways you compare him to other people, it ain't working. The way that you change him is through the power of grace because that Christ-like beauty transforms his heart. It's the hidden secret of gospel power.

It's the cross and resurrection. Women, you ought to go home to your men and say this, how can I preach the gospel to you? Show me, tell me how to preach a wordless sermon about the generosity of the gospel.

Men, you ought to do the same. How can I preach the gospel to you? What is it that I can do that would greater display the honor that Christ gives, the submission that Christ gives?

Okay, that's my challenge. Pastor JD Greer talking about putting the gospel on display in our marriages. You're listening to Summit Life, and if you happen to miss part one or two of this message, you can find the entire teaching free of charge at jdgreer.com. Not long ago, Pastor JD and I sat down to talk about how the book of 1 Peter helps us to understand why we as Christians might not always feel like we belong in this world and why we should be a bit different from others around us.

Here's what he had to say. Yeah, Peter literally tells Christians that they're not of this world, they're outsiders. We're not tourists here in the world, but we're also not permanent citizens here. We're exiles. We're citizens of another kingdom who are on mission here in this kingdom in order to be able to accomplish the purposes of the king who sent us here.

And so you've got to learn how to live as the right kind of exile, the right kind of person who's sent. That's one of the things I love about the resource we're offering to go along with this series. It pairs very nicely with 1 Peter. It's a book called Scent, Living a Life That Invites Others to Jesus. It's by Heather and Ashley Holloman, who are a wife and husband team that do a lot of campus ministry. I found it very helpful, full of practical suggestions that regardless of your personality or what you're gifted at, it'll show you what it means for you to live sin. We'd love to send you a copy of our latest resource called Scent by Heather and Ashley Holloman, and it's yours with a gift of $35 or more to this ministry.

This book is an incredible way to learn what it means to live sin because it'll teach you practical ways to have gospel conversations, even in the midst of a crazy everyday life. To get your copy, just give us a call now at 866-335-5220. That's 866-335-5220.

Or you can always give online at jdgrier.com. I'm Molly Bidevich. Thanks for being with us today, and be sure to join us tomorrow when we're diving into another tough but vital topic, sin and suffering. Don't miss it here on Summit Life with J.D. Greer. Today's program was produced and sponsored by J.D. Greer Ministries.