The Quicksand of Relationships - Up Close and Personal Pt. 3

Tonight, what we want to talk about is we want to talk about God's plan for sex and relationships before marriage.

Now, you know, I was thinking today, the world has a plan for sex and relationships before marriage. And if you don't believe it, just listen to television, listen to the radio. They scream it at you through public education.

They scream it at us through magazines like Playboy and Cosmopolitan and all of these things. And really, friends, it's like Quicksand. Their plan for sex and relationships is like Quicksand. You know what Quicksand is.

It looks like perfectly safe dirt until you step on it and then it sucks you under. And that's the way the world's plan for sex and relationships are. God also has a plan for sex and relationships, a plan that He doesn't shout to us over the television and out of magazines, a plan that He calmly whispers to us out of the Bible. And I'm here to tell you that if you want to run any relationship in your life the way that is healthy, you'll run it God's way. And if you want to run a relationship that is romantic in a way that has a solid foundation, you'll run it God's way.

And that includes how you run the sexual side of your relationship. I was at the gym the other day and this guy came up to me and his girlfriend's starting to come to frontline. And he said to me, he said, my girlfriend's starting to come to your church. And I said, that's wonderful.

He said, they're living together. He said, now don't mess her up. I said, what do you mean by that?

As if I didn't know. He said, well, just don't mess her up. I've got her exactly where I want her and I don't mess her up.

You know what I said to him? I said, we're not going to try to mess your girlfriend up. Let me tell you what we're going to try to do.

We're going to try to teach her what it means to have a closer walk with the living God and we're going to teach her how to live a biblical worldview. And if that messes your girlfriend up, I'm really sorry, but that's all we're out to do is to teach your girlfriend how to have that. Now you and I both know if we succeed, we're going to mess this whole thing up for him, but that's his problem. It's not my problem. Okay. This is what we're going to talk about tonight. Now you say, Lon, you know, just before you get into this though, um, we don't mean any offense by this. Honest, we don't. But I mean, you know, you're an old guy who's been a pastor all of his life.

I mean, what do you know about this kind of stuff? Really? No offense though. Well, let me say to you, I haven't been a pastor all my life. I wasn't born with a clerical collar on. In fact, I didn't come to Jesus Christ until I was 21 years old. By the time I came to Jesus Christ, having lived quite a different lifestyle than that of a pastor, I'd had sexual relationships with over 20 ladies. I don't even have an exact count.

This is the truth. I'd gotten a girl pregnant, forced her to have an abortion. Let me tell you, my life before I was a Christian was not the kind of life that you think of a pastor having.

And since I've been a pastor, I've been married to my wife for 24 years and been totally, completely faithful to my wife. So I've been on both sides of this stick, my friends. And I'm telling you, I know what I'm talking about. So I have the credibility to talk to you about this.

And I hope you'll listen very carefully. Now let's start by asking this question. What the how does God feel about sex? Say, Well, I don't know, I never really thought about that. I mean, it's kind of a weird question. No, it's not a weird question. I want you to take a Bible, I want you to open it together to the book of Proverbs, Proverbs chapter five, and look with me if you would at verse 18, Proverbs chapter five, look at verse 18.

Okay. It says, and rejoice with the wife of your youth, verse 19. May her breasts always satisfy you.

May you ever be captivated. The word literally means intoxicated, drunk in her love. Now, what is God talking about here? God is talking about a man and a woman sexual relationship. He's talking about a man and a woman really getting into it sexually. And what he is saying here is that this really pleases him. You know, the common view of God when it comes to sexual relationships is that God is the ultimate killjoy in the universe, that he is like some sort of super nun that just sits up there in heaven and just says, no, no, no, no, you don't.

Not in my universe you don't. But that is not God. That is not God at all, my friends. God is a God and sex pleases this God. And if you don't believe it, just take a cruise through the Song of Songs sometime.

You say, Lon, I'd love to. Where is it? It's in the Bible, folks. It's a book in the Bible. It's right before the book of Isaiah in the Bible. And it's a love sonnet, a love poem about the physical relationship between a husband and a wife. It is so explicit in its references that in ancient Jewish culture, a Jewish person that was under the age of 18 wasn't even allowed to read it. That's how concerned they were about it. Now she, the woman in this sonnet, talks about his pecs and his lats and his abs, and at one point even calls him a young stag.

That's pretty awesome. And he, and as far as he's concerned, he talks in this sonnet about her lips and her hips, about her eyes and her thighs, about her breasts and the rest. And he has it all in here. And down through the centuries, theologians have struggled what to do with this book. They have allegorized it into everything you could think of under the sun. You say, well, why didn't they just take it at face value? Because the raw sexuality of the book so offended them they didn't know what to do with it. But you see friends, the problem is they didn't understand how God feels about sex. God is an advocate of sex. God was the one who said be fruitful and multiply, and there ain't but one way to do that.

You understand what I'm saying to you? Only one way. Now God could have made us like amoebas.

You know where all of a sudden one day we just twitch all over and boom, there's two of us. But that isn't how God did it. No, no, no. God made sex on purpose and he made it to be enjoyable and to be used by human beings. Listen, when you have kids, when you grow up, get married, you have children, let me tell you something. Don't you ever tell your children, don't you ever even imply to your children that sex is dirty or sex is bad.

You know why? Because they'll believe you and you will lay a curse on them that they will struggle the rest of their life to overcome. Many of you were told that when you grew up and friends, I'm telling you that that is wrong.

It's a lie. You tell them that God says that sex is good, that sex is beautiful, that sex is pleasing to God. You tell them that God is all for sex. So long as you use it God's way. You say, see there, I knew there was a catch to this somewhere.

Well, there's a little one. As long as you use it God's way. Now what is God's way? Well, sex has rules. It's not like Howard Stern feels.

It's not a free for all. There are some rules to this thing. Hebrews chapter 13 verse 4. Listen, it says marriage is honorable and the marriage bed is pure or undefiled. God's boundary for sex, God's way of using sex is in this relationship called marriage. And it all relates to God's goal for marriage. Remember in the Old Testament God said this, you hear it at most weddings, and a man shall leave his father and his mother and he shall cleave to his wife and here it is, and the two of them shall become, you know it don't you, what?

One flesh. And my friends, God's plan for sex is that it be the highest expression, that it be the deepest way of communicating this one flesh experience that is in that sexual relationship between a wife and a husband. And yes, it's true that children are born from this sexual union, but that is completely secondary.

The primary function of sex is to enrich and give expression to this one flesh intimacy to pull a man and a wife together in a way like nothing else does, to deepen their intimacy, to enrich their communication, and to get to know your partner in a way that nothing else reveals your partner's heart and soul to you. Think about it for a second. Sex is the only thing in the world that a husband and a wife do for each other that God allows nobody else to do. Did you ever think about that?

Think about it for a second. If you get married, God would be perfectly happy if somebody else washes your spouse's clothes. It would make God perfectly happy if somebody else fixes your spouse's meals. Somebody else can vacuum your spouse's floor. Somebody else can wash your spouse's car. Somebody else can even floss your spouse's teeth if they want to. But there is one thing God says nobody else does with your spouse but you and that's have sex. And you know why? Because there is nobody else in the universe that has become one flesh with that spouse but you.

That's it. And that expression of being one flesh together, the sexual relationship, is reserved for people who have made this commitment and are in the process of that intimate relationship called marriage where you become one flesh. Marriage is the fence that God has put around sex and used inside that fence. Sex is wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous, fulfilling, used outside of that fence.

Sex is destructive and causes pain and heartache in people's lives. You say, well Lon, I hear what you're saying. I do. But you know I've got some good reasons why you should have sex before marriage.

You say, really? I do. Okay, love to hear them. Let's hear them. All right, I've got three or four, Lon. Give them to me.

Number one. Sex is normal. Sex is natural. Lon, sex is environmental. I mean it's like a green thing.

You know what I'm saying? I mean dogs do it. Monkeys do it.

Cats do it. And they attach no moral overtones to this thing, no right and wrong to it. They don't have to worry about love and marriage. So why should we? I mean like Tina Turner said, what's love got to do with it? This is just an environmental thing that everybody does. So why do you have to come along and lay all these moral overtones on it?

Well here's the answer. We're not like monkeys. God didn't create us to be like dogs and cats. See if you believe this, you've bought into a model of the universe that God says is incorrect, an evolutionary model of the universe that says all we are are just higher developed forms of dogs and cats and monkeys so why should we do anything different than they do? That's not what God says in the Bible at all. God says that in the image of God he made us. He never says that about a single creature on the face of the earth except the human beings. And by being made in the image of God we are distinct, we are different, we are set apart from every other kind of creature on this earth. Meaning that we have a spirit that can connect with God in living relationship. No animal has that. It means that we have a conscience that tells us when we have stepped across the moral boundaries that God has set for us as people made in his image. Cats and dogs don't have that. And when it comes to sex my friends, God has set a moral standard, one that our conscience testifies to and love and marriage and that commitment has everything to do with it. You say well I got another one.

Okay what's that? I agree. Love is important. I agree Lon, but we're in love. So there's nothing wrong with us doing it because we're in love.

Well I have a very simple response to that. If you're in love enough to have sex then you're in love enough to get married. And if you're not in love enough and if you're not committed enough to get married then I say to you, you're not in love enough and committed enough yet to have sex.

It's pretty simple. You say but Lon my next one is this, but we are in love and we're planning to get married, we really are. But we want to sleep together first.

We want to live together first to make sure that we're compatible. I've even had guys say to me before, a guy said to me one time he said well you know you try on ski boots before you take them on the slope. How do you feel about that girls?

This is not about ski boots. This is about a relationship with another human being right ladies? So I've had many people say to me very sincere. You know with all the divorce in the world today we don't want to end up like that so we're just making sure that the chemistry is right. We're just making sure that we're a good match and we've got a good shot at making it together. That we're compatible and once we live together for a while and sleep together for a while and we're sure we're compatible then we'll feel the odds are better for us to get married.

I've got news for you. You put any two sinners under a roof they will never be compatible. Because we're all selfish. Compatibility is a myth. It's a myth of Hollywood. It doesn't exist. There's no such thing.

Yeah there's such a thing as people getting along and liking each other and being attracted to each other but you will never find two human beings that are compatible. I've been married for 24 years. I am a veteran of trench warfare. I have been down there with the mustard gas.

I have had all my food to protect me from the atomic radiation friends. I know what it's like to be in the trenches and I'm telling you after 24 years of being married Brenda and I are totally incompatible. Completely incompatible and I have given up all hope that we will ever be compatible.

It's not going to happen. I say well then how in the world did you guys make it? How have you hung together for 24 years? It has nothing to do with compatibility. It has to do with commitment. When we got married we said divorce is not an option. Jesus Christ and the two of us will work it out whatever it is and that's why we're still together 24 years later. Listen marriages don't work because of some sort of mystical compatibility. Marriages work because you have two people who are committed to each other, who are committed to Jesus Christ and who are committed to working it out regardless of what happens.

Forget this foolish notion of compatibility friends. Besides living together is not going to have any greater odds of making it. I got an article out of USA Today. It's called cohabiting doesn't secure the not.

Listen how the article begins. Practice doesn't necessarily make perfect. In an era when living together is often a prelude to marriage evidence is mounting that the experience is no guarantee of wedded bliss. In fact if you live together before marriage the odds are that you will divorce. Those odds are higher than if you had never shared the toothpaste beforehand.

And here's a quote. Almost all studies show a higher divorce rate for those who cohabit than those who do not. One study shows up to a 50% greater chance of divorce of couples that live together. Forget about it. Living together is not going to increase your odds and you are never going to be compatible with the person you marry so it ain't going to happen anyway.

That's not why marriages stay together. You see Lon I got one more quick one. Go ahead.

Here's my last one. If I don't sleep with guys I'll never hold onto anybody. I mean you don't understand what it's like out there with the kind of pressure that guys put on you out there. Gals look here a second.

Look at me. I want to tell you something. The kind of guy that you have to sleep with in order to keep is a guy you don't need to hold onto.

You understand what I'm saying to you? I mean what kind of commitment level can you count on from that kind of guy? What about when you get pregnant and what about when you have a child and you can't have sex for weeks ahead of the birth and weeks after the birth. So what's he going to do then? What's he going to do?

What about when you get sick or maybe you have to have a hysterectomy or you have to have some other kind of surgery or maybe you become injured and you can't have sex. I mean what's he going to do? Is he going to say well I'm sorry you know if you can't sleep with me the thing's over.

I'm out of here. What kind of guy is this? You don't want a guy like this. As a Christian woman you need to tell that guy to get lost and you need to trust God to lead you to a godly man, a young man of God who will honor what God says about the way to run sex and a relationship.

And you've heard me say it many times but it deserves to be said again. There are worse things than being single all your life and one of them is to be married to a jerk. You understand? You don't want this guy. Dump this guy.

You say well Lon I hear what you're saying but give me some good reasons on the positive side. Why should I do it God's way? I mean why should I respect these moral guidelines that God has given me for a sexual relationship? Let me give you a couple of thoughts. Number one. Number one because you can catch some really nasty stuff if you don't. Some nasty stuff. I mean there is some nasty stuff out there. I mean there's sexually transmitted diseases, herpes for which by the way you probably know there is no cure. You'll have it the rest of your life and you'll infect anybody that you have sex with. Not to mention HIV and AIDS. You say well Lon I got a solution to that.

We'll just have outer course. You say what in the world is that? Well I got this article. No really I got this article out of Mademoiselle magazine.

No I do right. What's the problem? The title of the article is almost sex. It says these days outer course is in. Now listen to what it says in the article. I'm only going to read you the title a bit. It says the term outer course formally known as almost sex or everything but encompasses kissing, massaging, cuddling in all my relationships since I've made outer course my religion says Stacy.

It has served me well. And then it goes on to quote this 25 year old girl. Listen to what she said. And she said, she goes on to say outer course gives you all the pluses of sex and none of the minuses like fear of pregnancy or often AIDS. So what they're saying here is you do everything but. And it's wonderful and you escape the problem of sexually transmitted diseases and all these other things. You say so Lon that solves that problem doesn't it? No.

No it doesn't. Not if you're a Christian young lady or a Christian young man. Remember the verse that we put up on the screen?

Maybe we should turn to it. It's 1 Thessalonians chapter 4. Would you turn there with me? Now you need to know this because you're going to have somebody at the office or somebody at your school or somebody in the neighborhood to challenge you and say well if the Bible talks about sex as being inner course as long as you don't have inner course it's not a problem right?

No. Wait a minute. 1 Thessalonians 4 look what it says. Look 1 Thessalonians 4. Look at verse 3. It is God's will.

Now stop a second. Do you realize that there's only about 5 places in the whole Bible where it actually says this is God's will? That's all. So when it says it, man it's pretty important. This is God's will.

Look. That you should be consecrated. That you should avoid sexual immorality. You say well Lon that's fine I mean it's talking about inner course.

Wait a minute. That each of you should learn to control his or her own body in a way that is holy and honorable not in passionate lust like people who don't know God. Now I don't know about you but I would call outer course passionate lust wouldn't you? To do everything but?

To have your hands everywhere? Wouldn't you call that passionate lust? I certainly would. If not, man I don't think it's worth wasting your time doing. Alright. You know. You know what I'm saying.

Of course there's involved passionate lust is involved. Look what he goes on to say down in verse 7. For God did not call us to be impure but to live a holy life. Now if you can honestly tell me that everything but qualifies as living a holy life and you can really say that with complete integrity then maybe you should go do it.

But I don't think there's a person alive who can say that they believe that. And so this is not just talking about inner course this is talking about conducting ourselves in a way that is pure and a way that is godly. Let me tell you a second reason why we ought to do it God's way. It's because sex complicates dating relationships. If you're in a dating relationship and you let sex get involved let me tell you what's going to happen. Not only is it going to make it more complicated but it's also going to set the stage for you to make a very bad decision and choice possibly regarding a marriage partner.

You say well now how does that connect? Well listen, once sex gets involved in a relationship it's harder to evaluate the relationship. Before long the physical starts taking over and dominating the relationship and the really important things that you ought to be talking about, the really important things that you ought to be focusing on like character, like conflict resolution, like communication, like do you share the same values, like what is your walk with God like, like do you know how to handle disagreements. All these things that are central to making a marriage successful they all go out the window and all you want to do is have sex and you don't even pay attention to these things and the result is it's really easy to make a bad decision about a marriage partner because you're not talking about and you're not focusing on the right things. You're focusing on sex and that is not what you ought to be focusing on in a dating relationship and even if you do decide to break up, man once sex is involved it makes it really difficult and really painful and a lot more complicated because there's guilt involved and there's hurt involved and there's embarrassment involved and the two of you end up walking away both feeling like wounded people. I can't tell you how many girls I've had in my office who have said to me in one form or another you know if I had not slept with him this would be a lot easier.

If I hadn't had sex with him I could walk away from this with no problem but because I slept with the guy this is just a lot more complicated line than it has to be and she's right. You want to keep your dating life less complicated. You want to keep it less painful. You want to keep it less risky of ending up with a bad marriage.

Let me tell you what to do. You keep sex out of it so you can focus and major on the majors. One more final reason why you ought to do it God's way is that premarital sex results in baggage that even if you do get married you take into the marriage with you. You know 1 Corinthians chapter 6 says this and you don't have to turn there but here's what it says. It says that every other sin that a person commits is outside of their body but the person who commits premarital sex or sexual sin of any kind sins against their own body. You say Lon what does that mean?

I don't know. I don't know exactly what it means but I know at least this much. It means that sexual sin is different, more serious than any other kind of sin we commit.

More serious than stealing, more serious than lying, more serious than speeding on the beltway. It's more serious because it does things to us emotionally and psychologically and spiritually that are much more damaging than the average sin and that baggage, that damage doesn't go away just because you get married. I've had many many couples in the 18 years I've been a pastor come into my office and here's the story they tell. They sit down, husband and wife, been married 6 months, a year, maybe a little longer and they say this. They say you know Lon, the husband talks, the wife doesn't. He said before we were married we had great sex.

I mean we did and then we got married and then we got legal and you would think it would have been even better but he says I don't know what's happened. All of a sudden it's like she's gotten frigid. I mean all of a sudden it's like she hates sex. I mean all of a sudden it's like she can't respond to me anymore. By this time usually the lady's in tears and he says I don't understand what the problem is and she doesn't either.

I'll tell you what the problem is. The problem is the baggage that those two people brought into marriage together. See, see a woman needs to feel clean and a woman needs to feel right and a woman needs to feel respected in order to give herself properly sexually. Men, we're different. All we need to function properly sexually is just a little cleavage and we're good to go.

You understand? But women are not that way guys. And the problem with this woman sitting in my office is very simple. This is a woman who has taken the guilt that she felt about having sex before they got married and she's repressed it. She has stuffed it and now it's coming back to haunt her. She told herself, well she knew premarital sex was wrong. She knew it wasn't God's plan but she stuffed it and said well we love each other and we're getting married and if we get married it's really okay and she just stuffed it down and did it and now she's married. And now all of a sudden all of this guilt is coming back to haunt her and you don't get rid of guilt by stuffing it. You can confess it and you can be forgiven. That works but you don't get rid of it by stuffing it.

And it crops up sometimes in the weirdest places. One of them is in sexual dysfunction and now she's sitting around all day thinking as a married woman how could he do this to me? I mean I feel used. You know how can I trust this man to be my spiritual leader? How can I trust him to be the spiritual model for my children? If he didn't respect me enough while we were dating to respect God's standards then how can I trust him to ever uphold God's standards?

And on and on and on. And let me tell you something. You get a woman starting to think like this, you're going to have sexual problems big time. That's why I tell guys, guys I hold you responsible as a Christian man. I hold you responsible for the sexual behavior of the relationship before marriage.

You say well on time out that's not fair. It takes two to tango. I know it does. I know it does. But I still believe God's plan is that God holds the man responsible for godly standards, setting godly standards for a dating relationship, godly standards for a marriage, godly standards for a home.

I believe that. And I tell guys all the time, if you want to have a sex life after you get married, that will blow the street lights out in front of your house. Let me tell you how to do that. The biggest favor you can do for yourself pal is to keep your hands off that woman until you get married. You let her walk down that aisle feeling clean. You let her walk down that aisle feeling right about herself. You let her walk down that aisle feeling pure. And even after you get married you treat her with respect and affection and dignity and honor. And I'm telling you fellas, when you get in bed with her, she will roll you like dice.

You don't have a thing to worry about. Trust me. And that's why you know what I make guys and gals do when I marry? I make them sign a contract. Some of you have heard me talk about this contract. I make them sign a contract that they'll keep it clean. And I make the guy report into me every single week and tell me whether they've kept it clean.

I make them sign it like a legal document. You know the first part of it? The first part of it is no touching below the neck. And I always get some guy who says to me, does that mean we can't hold hands unless our hands are above our neck? Smart aleck. No, I say to him, you know exactly what it means.

I don't want to interpret this for you. No changing clothes at one another's house. No sleeping over your girlfriend's house. I slept on the couch.

Well maybe you did, maybe you didn't. But when you walk out at 7am the neighbors aren't going to think that. And you've got a responsibility to protect that young Christian woman's reputation with her neighbors.

You get up, take your lazy old body home and sleep in your own bed at night. That's the way it ought to work. And you know what I tell people, I say listen, even if it's only for a few weeks, even if it's only for a couple of months that we can change and stop this and help that woman feel clean and right and pure when she comes down the aisle, it's worth the effort. Believe me, it's worth the effort.

Now one last thing and I'm done. You say, well Lon, what if I've already blown it? I mean what if, you know, the horse is already out the barn man.

What do I do then? Well, let me tell you something ladies and guys, it is never too late to reclaim your integrity. Never. And the wonderful thing about God is when we come back to God and we confess our sin and we're serious about making a U-turn in some area of our life, the wonderful thing about God is not only does God forgive our sin, He does that. The Bible says He takes our sin and He casts it in the deepest part of the sea.

That's wonderful. But not only does God take our sin away, you know the other wonderful part? God takes the guilt away and makes you feel clean and fresh and new. When I came to Jesus Christ at the age of 21, having had all of that sexual experience including having murdered my own child, and I laid it all at the foot of the cross and said God, I want to reclaim my integrity. I'm telling you, God made me feel like a new person, like a virgin all over again. And said, Lon, I'll give you a fresh start.

Now let's do it right this time. And God will do the same thing for you. The Bible says God will make up to you for the years the locust have eaten. And over the 28 years I've been a Christian, I have watched God do that for me and God will do it for you if you'll just let Him. So if you're here tonight and, you know, you say, Lon, it's too late for me.

It's never too late for you, my friend. Tonight you can start and say, God, I want to make a U-turn in that area of my life tonight. I mean business. And with your help, God, we are starting to live with integrity in this area of our life. If that means I lose my boyfriend, let him go. If it means I lose my girlfriend, let her go.

It doesn't matter. God is more important for me to live a life of integrity and be clean and right before you. And if my boyfriend or girlfriend can't handle it, or if any future boyfriend or girlfriend can't handle it, that's not the boyfriend or girlfriend for me anyway if I'm serious about my walk with God. Let's pray together. With our heads bowed and our eyes closed tonight and nobody looking around, please, if you're here and you would like to do exactly what we've just talked about, you'd like to reclaim your integrity tonight in this area of your life before God.

And I want you to take a moment as we're quiet and we're silent. And I want you to tell God that. I want you to bring that area of your life to the foot of the cross. And I want you to hand it over to God. And I want you, in exchange for it, to not only accept God's forgiveness tonight, but to accept His cleansing and His freedom from guilt. And if you're serious and you mean business, God will do this for you. So if you need to do that, let's take a moment and silently, right where you sit, you tell God that. Lord Jesus, I am so grateful that you didn't leave us here on this planet to try to decide the values and the standards that we should have in some of these very potent areas of life, such as sexuality. But that you've given us a clear plan, a clear outline of the moral boundaries that you have for us.

The moral boundaries inside of which we will be happy, fulfilled, and protected. And Lord, my prayer tonight is that you would speak very strongly to the hearts of each of these young folks who are here, facing enormous pressures to live outside the boundaries you've set. And God, you would give them the strength and the courage, the conviction, and the dedication to live outside the boundaries and the dedication to you that they need to stay in those boundaries. And Lord, for those who've strayed outside and have come back to you tonight and said, God, restore my integrity. Take away the guilt. I pray you would do that.

I love the invitation you give us. Come, let us reason together, says the Lord. Even though your sins are red as scarlet, you can be white as snow. So, Lord, for people who've come to you tonight wanting to make a U-turn in their life, you make them white as snow. Thank you for that power you have, not only to forgive, but to cleanse and to heal and to make new. Do that for many people here tonight, I pray Father, who've come to you and asked for it. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.