Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. What does a wife want from her husband? Leadership and love. A husband wants his wife's reliability and respect. When these needs are being met, a marriage is on the right track. Today, words to men on what they must do to be the kind of leaders God wants them to be.
From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, it seems God expects husbands to lead. This is really hard in a culture where many women see themselves as equals in every way. Well Dave, you're right. We're living in a society that oftentimes is very much opposed to biblical norms and teachings.
But there's one thing I do want to comment on in terms of your intro. Men and women are equal. They are equal in value before God. This of course goes back to the original creation story in the book of Genesis.
But at the same time, they do have different roles and you're absolutely right. That oftentimes is resisted by our society. But as we fall in line with what God has laid out in the creation order, we discover that there is the possibility of happiness, harmony, and I believe fulfillment. I want to thank the many of you who support the ministry here at Running to Win. And we're making these messages available for you in written book form. This book also includes questions and links to the messages. Why? We believe that this is absolutely critical material for the marriages of our country and around the world that oftentimes are failing, ending in divorce, ending in conflict.
It is indeed deserving of tears. If you find these messages beneficial, share them also with your friends. Now here's what you do at the end of this broadcast.
I'm going to be giving you some contact info as to how all this material can be yours. Meanwhile, let us listen. And then again, you guys, I don't know, this is for us. We have to do something that Jesus never has to do. He never has to ask for forgiveness and say, I'm sorry, but we do and we need to do it often. I think Rebecca will testify that in our marriage, one of the things I've tried to do, no matter how upset I might be about something, I always like to be quick to say, look, I'm sorry I messed up.
Will you forgive me? I don't see any possibility of a happy marriage without, that's why, you remember I told you the story of here we are at the airport in Minneapolis, St. Paul and a woman comes and sits next to us and says, you must have been married for many years because she had seen Rebecca buy something that I like to eat and we're sitting there in harmony eating and we said yes. And then she said, I'm going to get married.
Remember that story? And she said to us, what word of advice would you give to someone who's never been married before? And Rebecca, just as quick as that, I was rolling my eyes and saying, I don't know where in the world this is going.
Just as quick as anything, Rebecca said, learn to forgive. And I thought, well now Rebecca, you should turn to me and thank me for the many times you have been able to practice that particular virtue considering the man that you married. A wife's primary need is to be led and to be loved. What about the husband? Well, see that she respect her husband.
It says in verse 33 to respect. Now what that means and when you add to that the whole issue of submission of the wife, husbands need someone who is reliable, who is dependable, whom they know. She's not the kind of woman who's spending money behind his back and doctoring the checkbook to cover it up. She's not the kind of person who's conniving.
And by the way, speaking of money, that is so huge that the next message in this series has to do with money because there's so many conflicts over that, so many divorces over that, and that's why we're going to deal with it in the next message on the series on marriage. But the heart of her husband, the Bible says in Proverbs 31, the heart of her husband doth trust in her. I know that God has given me a wonderful wife and among many, many other virtues I can say of Rebecca, my heart doth safely trust in her. A man desires that. She's not running off telling other people about how bad he is. She's not the kind of person who's speaking behind his back.
He can trust her. And then of course, respect. Now ladies, it's your turn. You respect by the tone of your voice. You can say the right thing, but you can do it in the wrong way. And that can indicate huge volumes of disrespect to your husband.
Now here's what women generally think. What if a man were to say to his wife, well, you have to earn my love. Could you imagine saying that as a Christian? She'd say, earn your love.
Don't you read your Bible? You're supposed to love me unconditionally like Jesus Christ loved the church. And now you're talking to me about earning your love. Well, now what if he were to say to you, her, you have to respect me unconditionally. What do you mean respect you unconditionally? You have to earn respect. Like women sometimes say that rat has to earn my respect.
So she doesn't respect her husband. So because you see it is conditional, and of course he never reaches the point where he's worthy of respect, you can pretty well be sure of that. His needs are never met. He acts in an unloving way.
Her need for love is unmet and on and on the crazy cycle goes. One way that you can respect him is by the way in which you entreat him. Don't lecture him.
If you find out that he's struggling with pornography, you don't give him a lecture and shame him. What you do is you say, I just want you to know how much you deeply hurt me by this. I am a crushed woman, but I want to stand with you through this. We want to get to the heart of it.
I want to pray with you and I want to encourage you out of this. And by the way, one of the messages still to be preached in this series is also on addiction. But she's there to stand with him, to love him, and as best she can continue to respect him, even though he so deeply disappointed her. Ladies, you could change your marriage if you encouraged your husband. Find something that you can encourage him in, something that you appreciate, something that's good because it's there.
Maybe you have to do a little bit of archeological work to find it. Whole marriages could be changed by the way in which couples speak to one another and by the way in which they engage each other and speak of one another. You know, I'm always reminded of that mother. Her daughter came home with her boyfriend and after, you know, they left, somebody said to the mother, well, what did you think of your daughter's boyfriend? And she said, well, I mean, you know, she's trying to think of something positive.
She says, well, you know, at least, at least the words on his tattoos were spelled correctly. I mean, find something good. Put a note where he'll find it of encouragement. Respect him. He needs respect.
If he doesn't have that, he's going to act in unloving ways, unfortunately, probably. He doesn't have to, but that's the tendency. Now, where does all this lead us and why should our lives be changed? Because we've listened to this message. Every time you hear a message, you should say, why should my life be changed as a result of this? Because that's the whole purpose of preaching. It's not to give you information, it's to change your life and the information is intended to do the change with the help of the Holy Spirit.
First of all, number one, would you remember this? Our marriages as Christians should not tell lies to the world. Should not tell lies to the world. You see, God instituted marriage to show the relationship of Christ in the church. That's why Paul says this is such a great mystery. This hadn't been revealed yet in Old Testament times as it is in New Testament times. And when we as Christians have bad marriages, what we're saying is, is that Jesus and the church don't get along very well and this is the way they fight and this is the way they argue. And we are sending a wrong message about Jesus and the church.
And we need to repent because the purpose of marriage is to bring glory to God and to illustrate the relationship of Jesus, ladies whom you married, to the church, men whom you married. That's the purpose. Now let's go back. Let's go back to the two stories that I began this message with. The woman who says, you know, my husband is as oppressive as a guard in Auschwitz. All that he cares about is dragging me into the bedroom. That's essentially what she said. All right, what should happen in that situation?
The man supposedly is a Christian. What should he do? He should back off and he should think to himself, now wait a moment, how could my wife feel so unloved that she would think this of me? What have I done or not done in order to give her this sense of being used rather than valued?
That should be his first question. And so what he ought to do is to study his wife and study his relationship to her and say, where in is this breakdown? Because her real need, she's acting out like this because she doesn't feel loved. So how can I make her feel loved so that she won't speak this way about me? She is a Christian, on the other hand, should say, you know, I overreacted and I didn't speak well about my husband. By the way, she told me this in his presence during a marriage counseling session. And I think that if the truth were known, her comment was a little bit over the top. As people sometimes do, she should be entreating him rather than lecturing him and trying to tell him off because she's still to respect him.
You know, that's not conditional. Now let's go to the situation in which the wife comes home, makes a quick dinner, then goes up and she's on the internet from 7 to 11 on a social networking site. What she argues is that my husband is so boring and I have these needs that need to be fulfilled and I find these needs fulfilled with my other friends, my other internet friends, and that's really where I get my fulfillment. Now folks, I want you to imagine this woman as a Christian standing in the presence of Jesus on the judgment seat of Jesus Christ where the Bible says all of us are going to be.
Let's imagine it. Jesus is asking her about her relationship in marriage and why she neglected her husband and why she was on the internet for four hours every night, finding fulfillment apart from her marriage and apart from him, by the way. And she said, well, Jesus, you know, my marriage was boring.
Jesus says, oh yeah, that's right. You know, I realize now that you're supposed to respect your husband and be under his authority, but you're right. I didn't mean it if you married a boring husband. You know, it was nothing that drastic. I mean, you certainly had a reason why you wouldn't have had to obey my clear word.
That sounds good to me. You know what that woman ought to do? She ought to get on her knees and repent and stay there long enough till the rebellion is out of her heart. Then what she should do is go to her husband and ask his forgiveness. Maybe he is boring, but you know, maybe it's been years since he felt respected and maybe it's been years since she felt loved and what they need to do is to get on with their relationship and the covenant that they made before God and stop all of this silly excuses for their disobedience.
That's what they need to do. Could I be any clearer than that? Is there anyone here who says, now what does he really think about these things? Am I clear, brother? God bless you. God bless you. God bless you.
I'm glad that two people up here say that I'm clear. We need to stop lying about Jesus and his relationship to the church and our marriages are telling lies. Second, when sinned against, do not sin. When sinned against, do not sin.
What does the man say? Well, you know, I tried to love her and all that I get is this contempt. So, you know, he gets this contempt and contempt. Now, normally what happens is, you see, he responds to it, which is a huge mistake. You know, the Bible says in the book of Proverbs, where there is no wood, the fire goes out, the quarrel ends. If you don't respond, at some point she is going to stop talking, I think. I'm reminded of a little cartoon.
I remember a little boy said, my parents argued all evening, but my dad never said a word the whole time. But she is going to stop at some point. And when I say she, it could be he. You understand all the illustrations I give could be flipped over on the other side. Just let it go.
And then when she is finished, say, you know, I'm so sorry that you feel so unloved that you have to speak to me like that. Could we work on a lot of deeper things than the superficial arguments? Where there is no wood, the fire goes out. Now, what happens in a case like that? The two are arguing, see, and instead of taking the wood out of the fire and not putting more in, he thinks that he can fight this fire with a little bit of gasoline. Here's some gasoline. Oh, you know, you're blowing up, you know, here. Oh, you want that?
I'll give you that too. So where does that leave them? Destroyed with pieces all over the place to pick up. Most of them will never be picked up. It'll kind of be smoothed over.
The real issues will not be dealt with and they'll go on and the same thing will happen again and again and again and again. When sinned against, do not sin. In the 1700s, there was a Scottish pastor by the name of James Fraser. He was a beloved pastor and author of a couple of books and a battered husband. It is unclear how the Presbyterians of that day would allow a man with a disobedient wife to be pastor, but they did. It is said that she never provided him with a sit down meal at their home.
Everyone in his parish knew this. He would have starved to death if the church members had not left him pouches of food by the fence post when he passed by on his pastoral errands. When he returned home at night, he was not able to be in the same room with his wife because he would get a tongue lashing, so he went to his study. But his wife controlled the coal bin and the oil for the lamp, allowing him no fire to warm himself or oil to light his lamp. If he sat still in the dark, he would nearly freeze and because of this, he walked back and forth from one end of his study to the other in the darkness. And because he did, you see, how would you know if you were in total darkness when you got to a wall? Well, he kind of kept his hands out like this and then turned around and went back to the other wall.
After he died, they examined his study and found indentations in the plaster where his hands hit the wall on his nightly beat. Once when the local Presbyterian pastors were gathered together, a toast was offered for the wives of the pastors. The man offering the toast turned to Frazier and says, I'm sure with a touch of sarcasm, James, you'll want to offer a toast to your wife as well, I assume. So I will and so I should, said Frazier, for my wife has been better to me than all of yours put together. Their mouths dropped. How so, they asked. He said, my wife has driven me to my knees seven times a day, and that's more than any of your wives have done for you.
They were probably so happily married, they didn't even have to pray. When sinned against, learn not to sin. And you'll never be more like Jesus, because that's exactly what the Bible says, who when he was reviled, reviled not again. He did not render evil for evil, argument for argument.
You win this, but I'm going to win this. And here's a zinger for you as a parting shot. No, he was willing to be sinned against and yet not sin. I think it was Joni Eareckson Tada who said that the purpose of suffering, suffering she said, and I'm paraphrasing here, are like sheep dogs that nip at our heels to force us to walk the hill of Calvary. And for some of you, that kind of suffering is in your marriage, unfortunately. But I believe that through repentance and faith, through dealing with issues, you can get beyond that so that you can begin to sing together rather than just make noise. But you know, it needs repentance. It needs humility.
It needs brokenness. And that leads me to my last point. Ultimately, the success of all this is the cross of Jesus Christ. The Bible says, who gave himself up for us all. He died for the church. Because you see, there are some of you who are listening to this and you know, this is pretty foreign to you.
And the reason is because you're on the outside looking in. You may not be a part of the church as the Bible is using the term here. You may be a church member to be sure. But the Bible is saying this, that it is through our forgiving, because of our forgiveness that we receive because of Jesus, because of that forgiveness. And imagine how much God has forgiven you. In fact, neither you nor I have a clue as to how much God has forgiven us for.
Many of our sins that we aren't aware of, ones that we have committed over and over again that we are aware of and plus a whole lot of other things. And the Bible is saying that because of forgiveness, God is a reconciling God and having been forgiven, we forgive. If you weren't here for the message that I preached entitled the puzzle of your past, where I talked about forgiveness, I encourage you to get it because some of you need to deal with with whole past issues.
All kinds of baggage from the past needs forgiveness and resolution. But at the end of the day, it is the good news of the gospel that enables us to live together on the same page. If you've never trusted Christ as savior, remember this, he died so that we could be forgiven, reconciled to God, belong to God forever.
And the way in which we receive that free gift is the gift of faith. And we say, Jesus, I know that I'm a sinner and I believe on you and I trust you and I trust you to forgive me. And then I shall trust you to help me to forgive others.
And so you can begin to get on the same page so that you're free to love your wife so that she feels loved and wives so that you feel free to respect your husbands because he needs respect and then live every day of your life confessing that because of our weaknesses and our sins, we need God every single hour. Would you join me as we pray? Father, my suspicion is that there are many people who are listening for whom this message was specifically intended, but whether or not it will reach its target is totally dependent upon your spirit. Whether you can open blind eyes and take cynical hearts and cause them to melt, we ask Lord Jesus that you might do that because now we're waiting for miracles.
We're waiting for the dead to rise and the deaf to hear and the blind to see. How many of you would say, Pastor Lutzer, I know that today's message was intended for me. Why don't you raise your hand right there as an indication of the Holy Spirit of God working. I see many people on the downstairs floor.
I don't see many of you in the balcony, but I'm looking at you now there. Father, those for whom it was intended and those who didn't raise their hand, let them not go until they have met you. In Jesus' name.
Amen. Yes, my friend, our greatest need is always for more of God, more about him, understanding redemption much better. That of course is one of the most important decisions that we can make.
And the second most important, of course, is marriage. We're making this series available to you actually in written book form. This book also has questions and links to these messages. Why?
Because we believe that so many marriages are in trouble and we also deeply believe that these messages can speak to those issues and provide help. For a gift of any amount, we're making this available for you. Here's what you do.
I hope that you have a pen or pencil handy. Go to rtwoffer.com. That's rtwoffer.com or call us at 1-888-218-9337.
Let me give that to you again, rtwoffer.com. Now the reason that we can make these materials widely available is because of people just like you who support this ministry. So even as you connect with us for the marriage puzzle, we thank you in advance for your prayers and for your financial help. You can write to us at Running to Win, 1835 North LaSalle Boulevard, Chicago, Illinois, 60614.
Next time, learning how to handle money together in a tough economy. Thanks for listening. For Pastor Erwin Lutzer, this is Dave McAllister. Running to Win is sponsored by the Moody Church.
