Moving Beyond Your Past – 3 of 3

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. When it comes to feelings about past injustice, we have to let our bitterness go as well. In a marriage, peace only comes after releasing our terrible memories into God's hands. Forgiving your mate can help heal the deep wounds of a relationship on the rocks. Stay with us.

From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, it seems many marriages break up when one partner or the other wants to hold on to perceived injustice until their knuckles turn white. As a matter of fact, Dave, it's even more serious than that because many people who hold on to injustice, anger, resentment, feel so justified in doing it that they don't want to give it up no matter what. And even if it's pointed out to them, they continue in their blindness.

I've seen people, perhaps you have also, who simply will not see their faults, even if those faults are pointed out to them. And so you can understand how all of this becomes a part of marriage conflict, the marriage puzzle. As a matter of fact, that's what these messages are called.

The series is called The Marriage Puzzle. And because we believe that these messages are so desperately needed, we're making them available to all of our listeners in written book form. And this book includes not only the transcripts, but the questions that go with it and also some links to the messages. I hope you hear my heart when I say we're doing all that we possibly can to get this material into your hands. And at the end of this broadcast, I'm going to be giving you some contact info as to how this material can be yours.

We want you to have it, to pass it along to others because we're committed to helping Christians run the race successfully all the way to the finish line. Now let's listen. Of course you can't forgive right away in the sense that here you have this injustice if somebody were to rape one of your children to say, oh, well now, you know, he did it this morning, but by evening, you know, we've forgiven.

No, no, no. I understand that it takes time. I understand the healing process. I know that these things aren't just so nicely cut and dried, but there does come a time when you as an adult walking with God choose to put it down, whether you feel like it or not, force yourself to because it's biblical. The Bible says to forgive others.

Of course I know that when there's unfaithfulness, there has to be a time, not only a forgiveness, but the rebuilding of trust. I get all that, but talking about you, you dear single mothers, God bless you. God bless the single mothers.

I'm so glad that we have a class for them here at the Moody church. I plead with you. Do not parent out of your woundedness. Don't parent out of your woundedness. That little boy that looks so much like the man you are tempted to hate.

Don't hate him, but love him and learn to parent, not out of woundedness, but out of wholeness. And you can't do it without forgiveness. I'm telling you that what I'm asking you to do today is to like crawling through the eye of a needle. It's that hard, but it has to be done.

There is no way this may be surgery without anesthetic, but you've got to do it. Secondly, don't by the way, don't ever think that if I forgive somehow, it lessens the horror of what was done. That's such a big mistake.

Come to the conclusion that all rational people should come to that the harm that the bitterness is doing you as much greater than it is the person who victimized you or the person who took advantage of you. And in the name of Jesus, lay it down. In fact, that's what I'd like to say. If the first step is to choose to do it, the second is to simply say, I take a good look at it. I have camped here.

I have lived here. This has been my lifeblood, my woundedness. And in the name of Jesus, I want to pour it out at the foot of the cross because I want my wound to become a scar. Scars are correct. Jesus will have a scar in heaven because a scar means that there's been healing. It's a reminder of the fact of where you've been, but a scar means I can move on. I don't have to be dragging this dead body into our marriage and carrying it around year after a year.

And so what you do is you take a good look at it. In some instances, weep for your past. I mean, if you lost an arm, no problem weeping over that.

Why not weep over a lost childhood if that's what it takes? But then third, be sure that you substitute your own wounds with the wounds of Jesus. The Bible says in the 53rd chapter of Isaiah verse five, it says he was wounded for our transgressions.

He was bruised for our iniquity. The chastisement of our peace was upon him and with his wounds, with his stripes were healed. You say, well, Pastor Lutzer, how does that work?

How does that work? Well, the answer is this, that through the wounds of Jesus, and you remember the beautiful song by Charles Wesley, five bleeding wounds he bears received on Calvary. They pour effectual prayers. They strongly plead for me. Forgive them. Oh, forgive, they cry. Nor let that ransom to sinner die.

It is because of the wounds of Jesus. Jesus took what he didn't deserve, namely our sin. You say my husband doesn't deserve forgiveness, or you say my wife doesn't deserve forgiveness.

That's not the issue. Nobody deserves it. But the Bible says that Jesus died on the cross so Jesus got what he didn't deserve, our sin, and now we in turn get what we don't deserve, namely his forgiveness and his righteousness as belonging to us.

What a glorious exchange. And Jesus said, now that I can forgive you freely, now that your sin no longer needs to be an issue between you and me, why don't you forgive as you have been forgiven? Begin to live your life through the prism, not of your woundedness, but of my woundedness, because ultimately he bore not only our sins, but the Bible says he also bore our sorrows. And there at the foot of the cross, thanking God for what was done for us in Jesus, we discovered that if Jesus was willing to do that for us when we were yet enemies, Christ died for us.

Why can't I exercise the same grace to somebody who has victimized me? His wounds were not self-inflicted. His wounds were inflicted by evil men. And out of those wounds, scars developed which we're going to see in heaven, because it says I saw as it were a lamb that had been slain. I expect in heaven to see the wounds of Jesus, but there'll be not wounds, I should clarify that, but scars. And you'll be there too, maybe with your scars, but the wounds will be gone.

Trust Jesus. And then finally, and this is really quite finally, but not quite finally, develop a different pattern of thought. Just like the needle of a compass points north when it's free, in the very same way some of you, when your mind is free, it goes back to your woundedness. It goes back to yourself, pity, poor me, look at the husband I married.

I could have done much better if I had shopped more, what shall we say wisely or the other way. It doesn't matter. We're talking about both men and women here. And when you stop to think of it, folks, what happens is these thought patterns are so strongly ingrained that you have to begin to think differently. Those of you who are older all know who Jim Baker was and is. Jim Baker and the great TV scandals and the middle of the 1980s. And then he went to jail.

In fact, he has a new ministry today. About five years ago, Rebecca and I were in Branson and we had lunch with Jim Baker and his wife Laurie. Tammy Fay of course died, but Laurie is his new wife. And she gave us a book, her story, and she told us her story. I don't even remember the number of abortions this young lady had before the age of 20. Every sin imaginable, whether it's drugs and sex and blues, you name it, this girl was into it. But she was gloriously converted. And I remember this. She said, I memorized 400 verses of scripture just to get my mind straight.

Today she's a lovely woman and deeply in touch with those who ache and hurt and are wounded because she's been there. You need to think differently. Now, listen, you also need to speak differently. If your Bible is open, like mine is, did you notice what I said in verse 29 verse 29 says of Ephesians chapter four, let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths but only such as is good for building up as it fits the occasion. Oh, if we could take that one verse and implement it in our marriages, it would change everything.

Let me tell you a true story. A woman wants to divorce her husband within a month. The attorney says, okay, you're going to divorce the guy anyway. He doesn't know that you're going to divorce him and you basically hate him. But in order to hurt him more so that you can really sock it to him, why don't you for one month do nothing but commend him and say nice things about him and encourage him and respect him. And he will think that you're really on his side. And then when you serve him the divorce papers, it'll hurt a whole lot more.

She loved the idea. There's no use criticizing the guy anyway. You're going to lose him anyway.

I mean, you know, he's going to be out of here. So, so forget about all of his faults and all the things you don't like about him. Give him love notes and his lunch. Say nice things. If he does something sensible, commend him for it. And ladies, that would be a wonderful thing for you to do for your husband is to commend him if he does something sensible. Somebody at the church here asked me one time, he says, if a man speaks and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong? So what she did is she did nothing but speak positive things to him for one whole month.

Seriously, at the end of the month, they went on a second honeymoon. Can you imagine what that would do? And the Bible says speak words that edify. Could you make a promise right now?

Rebecca and I talked about this. So we're in on the promise that for one week, 168 hours, I actually calculated on my calculator. For one full week, no criticism. Oh, you might want to tell him before he goes to work that there's some porridge on his shirt or something like that. So, you know, that may not be a criticism. Correcting something might not be a criticism, but no criticism, no nagging. All day long, what you're thinking about as a wife and as a husband is how can I speak words that will uplift words that will edify?

How can I do that? And your marriage will be transformed. Absolutely no doubt about it. Ladies, ladies, ladies, men, men, men can be done by the power of God. If not, we grieve the spirit. How big is God? Here's David. He commits his sin, messes up his family, has Bathsheba for a wife. She bears him Solomon.

We could argue that strictly speaking, Solomon should never have been born because he was born to a woman who should never have been David's wife. And lo and behold, Solomon is born and the Bible says, and the Lord loved him. And the Lord said to him, Oh, Solomon, I will bless you for the sake of your father, David.

And I just look at that and say, where's all that coming from? It's coming from grace because you know what God does with our past when we deal with it? He recycles it, makes it come out to his glory. Another true story, Solomon's story is true. This one also, I have a friend whom I shall call Ken, though he wouldn't mind. I'm sure if I told you his real name, I think he shares his story freely.

There he is. He's brought up early in life. He comes to know Christ as savior. And at the age of 25, his mother sets him down and says, I have something to share with you. The person whom you think is your father is not your father.

I had a fleeting affair with a doctor in the area and he's your biological dad. Now, Ken at that moment had two ways that he could go. He could have said, I'm going to go into drugs and alcohol and the whole bit, because after all, I shouldn't have even been here. I need validation as a human being. Now I don't even know whether or not I was the product of any kind of love or whether or not it was just a fleeting, lustful relationship. I don't even know who I am.

I'm going in that direction. He could have done that. But he was a Christian and he believed the Bible.

What a wonderful combination. And the Bible says that where sin abounds, grace abounds much more. So after being thrown for a loop for a while, trying to get his bearings as to what this means as to who he is, after going through that, he decided if God was big enough to save me, why can't he be big enough to bless me? After all, God is, you know, has chosen him, made him a son of God, forgiven his sin. His position in heaven is secure. I'd say that that's validation. That's validation.

Pretty good for a guy who strictly speaking could have argued he should not have been born. Why? Because God is so much bigger than your sin. I believe that Spurgeon was right when he says the abundance of sin can never, can never thwart the abundance of grace. Spurgeon says man heaps a pile of sin and God says, I'm going to do you better. I'm going to heap a pile of grace that is bigger.

Man says mine is going to even be bigger yet. And God comes along and he heaps a whole mountain of grace and says, mine is bigger. And on and on it goes until man loses the contest because God's grace is greater than your sin and greater than your past.

To those who receive it, God's grace is great. I don't know where you are in your marriage. I don't know where you are.

All that I know is if we humbled ourselves, repented, owned our stuff, cleared our consciences and then really forgave and began to speak differently, we'd be on a different course. Corrie ten Boom. You all know her story in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany. Sister was killed by the Nazis. She survives the camp and then blesses us with her book that she writes about. And later on she meets one of the Nazis in the concentration camp where she was and he sticks out his hand.

This is here in America. He sticks out his hand to her. She didn't know whether or not she should take it, but she thought of God is this gracious to me to forgive me. I'll shake hands with him. And then she said these words.

I'll never forget them. There is no pit so deep, but that God is deeper still. You're not in a pit that is so deep, but that God is deeper. Let's pray.

So where do we go from here? You husbands, especially, I want you to pray if you're, yeah, take the hand of your wife like I asked you to when we prayed. Don't accuse one another as a result of this message. The devil would like that. Satan has some of you bound in unbelief and bound in your woundedness, but God is here to deliver. Would you talk to God right now as we have a moment of silent prayer? Father, we've said the words, but will they be heard? Will that man have the courage to do what he needs to do?

Will the wife have the courage to do what she needs to do? Will they see their sin as all of us need to? Will they see your grace as greater than their sin? I don't know because this is your work.

It's not mine. I pray that you might bring many miracles about many miracles of restoration and hope. Do that, Lord, we pray.

Amen. Once again, as a pastor, I want to encourage you to go for help, especially when there are problems that you think that you can resolve together, but they are actually quite unresolvable, if I might put it that way. But there are people who can help you, who can encourage you, who can lead you to confession, and knowing how to deal with issues that grow up between couples oftentimes, even infidelity and other matters that are so critical and so important so that the marriage is able to hold together.

Do whatever you need to do. But I believe that the messages that you are listening to right now are so necessary for you, for all marriages, but also you know other people who are about to be married, or maybe you know some other married couples who are in trouble, and they need these messages too. That's why we're making them available for you in written book form. Of course, the title is The Marriage Puzzle. For a gift of any amount you can receive this material, here's what you do. Go to rtwoffer.com.

rtwoffer.com or pick up the phone and call us at 1-888-218-9337. Now the reason that we can make these materials widely available is because of people just like you who support this ministry. So even as you connect with us for The Marriage Puzzle, we thank you in advance for your prayers and for your financial help. It's time now for another chance for you to ask Pastor Lutzer a question about the Bible or the Christian life. Bernadette is facing a marriage crisis.

Here is her story. My husband and I are Catholics and he wants a divorce. Because the Catholic Church does not believe in divorce, he has requested a Catholic tribunal to annul our marriage, which would result in the Church saying that our valid marriage never existed, even though we were married in the Catholic Church 28 years ago and have had several children. This deduction is justified by claiming that at the taking of our marriage vow, the petitioner suffered defective consent due to lack of good judgment, and therefore the vow was invalid. I guess this means our children were born out of wedlock. Obviously, this is a farce.

My question is, what do I do in light of this development? I believe the covenant of marriage means that we are together till death do us part. Bernadette, you're absolutely right. The idea that a marriage can be annulled after 28 years and children in the family is foolish. Let me assure you that you were properly married. The marriage that you had to your husband and the children that you bore, those children were not born outside of wedlock.

They were born within the marriage covenant. But having said that, if your husband wants to leave and he's determined to break up the marriage and he wants to go get some kind of an annulment, which is only a piece of paper, which ultimately is meaningless, there's nothing that you can do. You have to let him do what he wants to do and then what you have to do is to ask the Lord, where do I go from here and how do I pick up the pieces of my life? So keep faith in God.

The events that are taking place around you are beyond your control. Simply keep your eyes on God, have your faith in Jesus Christ alone and trust God through the experience. Some wise counsel from Dr. Erwin Lutzer. Thank you, Dr. Lutzer. If you'd like to hear your question answered, go to our website at rtwoffer.com and click on Ask Pastor Lutzer or call us at 1-888-218-9337.

That's 1-888-218-9337. You can write to us at Running to Win, 1635 North LaSalle Boulevard, Chicago, Illinois, 60614. Running to Win is all about helping you find God's roadmap for your race of life. Our culture has confused the roles of men and women. Next time, we begin to unravel the puzzle of your roles in marriage. Thanks for listening. For Pastor Erwin Lutzer, this is Dave McAllister. Running to Win is sponsored by the Moody Church.