What God Wants Wives To Know - Part 2 of 2

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. There's a beautiful balance in God's plan for the Christian marriage. Loving leadership invites loving submission. Today, a look at why submission to husbands brings great blessing in marriage.

Our guide will be Paul's teaching in Ephesians chapter 5, along with Peter's words in his first epistle. From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, our Christians following the culture and avoiding marriage more and more these days.

Dave, when you mention that two ideas come immediately to mind, first of all, the answer is yes. Many people avoid marriage because they've had such a bad experience within their own families. They actually fear marriage. They fear commitment. Second, it's so important to realize that marriage, of course, is one of the most important decisions we can make.

And today's message is not going to be as popular as it was at one time because we're living in an age when the teaching of the Apostle Paul is often spoken against. But what we must recognize is that God is with us in our marriages. And at the end of this program, I'm going to be telling you a story about a couple that wondered whether or not they could get divorced.

It's very complicated, but you just stay tuned. For now, let us go to the pulpit of Moody Church and let us try to answer this question, the relationship between wives and their husbands. Take your Bibles and turn to 1 Peter for just a moment, and you'll notice it says in chapter 3, if there is to be submission in everything, notice also that there is to be submission in faith, if we can put it that way. Wives are to submit because they believe in God. 1 Peter chapter 3, we pick it up at verse 1, wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands. In what same way? In the same way that Jesus was submissive to the will of God and died.

Wow, how do you like that? So that if any of them do not believe the word, in other words, they're not believers, they may be won over without words, or like the King James says, or the New American says, without a word, without a single word. That doesn't mean that you don't talk to him, it means that you don't talk to him about religious things because when you do, he's going to find his masculinity threatened and he's going to back off anyway. They may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornments such as braided hair and wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes, instead it should be that of the inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands like Sarah who obeyed Abraham and called him her master.

You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. And later on, in a moment, I'll comment on what it says about husbands in verse 7. Notice what the text is saying. You're living with a man who does not obey the word of God. He does not believe the word and you are to submit, first of all, without manipulation.

You'll notice that the text says without words. You don't try to throw religion in his face. You don't try to manipulate to get him to believe. You don't do like one woman did and that is to paint the word repent on his beer can. You don't do it that way especially when his friends were coming over for a football game and they all saw it.

That's not the way it's done. When Billy Graham is on television, you don't take the TV set and push it in the middle of the floor so that he can get a good dose of Billy right in his face like another lady did unsuccessfully, I might add. What you do is you simply say, I'm going to submit and I'm going to pump the ball to God. There are some of you wives who are listening who ought to give your husbands to God and then say good riddance, good riddance. You no longer try to be God in his life. You let God play God in his life and you might be surprised that God can do what your manipulation and your attempts at changing him cannot do. That's what the text is saying and while I'm sure that there's no guarantee that it will happen and sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, there are some remarkable stories of how God used this kind of submission to win a husband and to break his heart and bring him to faith in Christ. So you do it without manipulation.

You do it without a sense of rivalry. You begin to understand that the real, the real character is the inner self which is being spoken about here. It's not that you don't wear adornment and braided the hair and all the other stuff. It just means that that's not the emphasis. The emphasis is on the inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth. Actually the Greek text says which is a precious and same word that is used when you have Mary who takes the alabaster box of ointment which is costly and precious in God's sight, precious in God's sight.

And then of course you submit without fear. I read the verse just a moment ago. It's the last part of verse six. Sarah obeyed O Abraham and you are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Why is it that you do not give way to fear? It is because of the fact that you, you give this relationship to God continually and you believe that God is going to protect you. He's the one who's going to guide you and your hope is not in your husband. You'll notice what the text says that these women they hoped in God.

They hoped in God and God honored them as a result of that. Now we've talked about submission in everything, submission in faith because you're trusting God. Believing that he can do in the life of your marriage partner something which only he can do, that is only God can do.

You do what is possible. God does the impossible because to bring a person to faith in Christ God has to overcome the blindness of their hearts. He has to open their minds. He has to cause them to see the truth and you may have some kind of a part in that but my experience listening to women who are married to unsaved husbands is that that leaving tracts all over the house usually does not work, usually does not work. You simply say he is God's and I'm going to serve him and I'm going to do the best I can and concentrate on the inner character of the heart and trust him. Have there ever been some marriages where God has used people even though they've been in disastrous marriages?

The answer is yes. You know I need to tell you the story of John Wesley, the great revivalist whom we oftentimes honor. Wesley was in love with a woman by the name of Grace and of course Wesley living in the 1700s used to use horses to go and rode something like 50,000 miles and horseback and preach two or three times a day and Grace was a wonderful companion, appeared to be. She loved horses too and she loved ministry and they'd have made great partners but John Wesley made the mistake of speaking to Charles whose hymns we sometimes sing with a great deal of enthusiasm and Charles says oh no don't get married because if you do it might break up the revival movement so John broke up with Grace and then he met a woman by the name of Molly and he did not ask Charles.

The first time he shouldn't have asked Charles, the second time he should have asked Charles. Molly was a shrew of unbelievable proportions. Do you know that when he was gone on an evangelistic meeting she would sell a good part of his library? She would print false stories about him. She would publicly rebuke him when he was speaking publicly. One day he was preaching and she called out and said John you're a liar. He said I've been accused of all the sins in the catalogue except drunkenness. She said what do you mean you were drunk the other night?

He said thanks for making the list complete sarcastically. In fact one time I read an biography that somebody came into a room where the two of them had been and Wesley was only about 120 pounds. She had just finished dragging him across the floor because she was much more sturdy than he was and she had still a fistful of his hair in her hand. I mention that not to give you any ideas regarding how a marriage should be nor to be critical of the Methodists that are among us, John Wesley of course the founder of Methodism. I simply mention that for you to know that God somehow continued to use John Wesley despite the fact that his marriage was what it really should have been and I might say that it may not have been all of Molly's fault. When Wesley got married he's he have reportedly said to her now I want you to know that I'm not going to miss one single service, one single meeting because of the fact that I'm married.

It's not a good way to begin a marriage is it? Now what I'd like to do is to discuss the difficult issue of under what conditions does a wife not submit because as you read the text it appears as if submission is absolute. In the two passages that we read there's no indication that there are exceptions but of course there would be exceptions. Just like in the book of Romans it says let every soul be subject to the higher powers there is no power except of God and then it talks about unfailing obedience to the state.

Yet we know instances in Scripture and certainly it would be wrong to to obey the state blindly and continually unless the state would be God which it is not. Of course there are times when if you are being abused physically emotionally verbally there are times when you you need to go for help even if your husband tells you not to. I'm not speaking in any way to justify abuse and the and the what shall we say the the incredible misuse of Scripture to justify oppression and so forth and especially ladies wives especially if your husband is abusing your children.

I've counseled many people who have been abused by their fathers women and they will say that it was easier for them to forgive their father than it was to forgive their mother who knew that it was going on and who did nothing who turned the other way and did not defend her child. Yes there are times and I cannot tell you exactly when those times should be but I do know this that there are times when your marriage needs help and you need to go for that help. What I'd like to do in today's message since this kind of winds it up is very quickly give you three principles that my wife and I have found helpful in our own relationship and I'm sure that they'd be found helpful in any relationship as you as you think about the strife that may exist in your home and even if it doesn't exist all of us need to recognize that there are principles within marriage that will work if they are both applied if they're applied by both.

First of all of course the principle of mutual encouragement mutual encouragement. Couples so often focus on their differences instead of their strengths and instead of that which binds them together. There are all kinds of couples that have a great deal that they can build upon and they will not build upon that because they are hung up in criticism.

I'm told that one day someone was going to paint a picture of Alexander the Great and Alexander wanted this picture directly a facial picture rather than simply a profile and yet Alexander had a deep scar on his chin and so the artist took Alexander sat him down with a table in front of him and had him put his elbow on the table and then held his chin he was holding his chin in his hand and through clever manipulation of the fingers the scar was not seen. I'm sure that all of the members of the pastoral staff would admit that in counseling constantly what you find is is those who are who are emphasizing the scars they're emphasizing the points of criticism why don't you for a while live for three or four months in your relationship determined to speak only that which is positive only that which is helpful you might be surprised at the transformation that that might bring about the principle of mutual encouragement the principle of mutual respect that involves listening. You cannot have a good marriage unless there is a connection made unless there is is the kind of sharing where you feel that it is not only verbal but it is heart to heart. Listen to the words of one woman I feel like a thing is my conversation so unintelligible that I'm not worth talking to I could be a post in the ground for all that he bothers to communicate with me I feel as if I don't even know my husband it's as if he's been hiding from me for years. Communication in so many homes is on autopilot mutual respect loyalty defending your wife against the members of your family we talked about that last time let me hurry on and simply say also mutual forgiveness mutual forgiveness forgiveness is not only an act it's also a process and when you have marital breakdown and when there's been moral failure there's more involved than simply forgiveness there has to be a rebuilding of the relationship there has to be a rebuilding of trust this is not the place where we can go into details regarding marriage counseling but those of you who live with an addict like if he's a sex addict or a or an alcoholic or whatever you'll discover that alcoholics first of all find it very difficult to admit that they are at fault they find it very difficult to even use the S word to say I'm sorry and then if they go to that extent then they expect everybody to forget it they say well you know it's time to move on why do you keep going back to the past it's because they do not want to deal thoroughly with their past and so all these issues have to be worked through but forgiveness is at the heart of it and there has to be a sense of understanding and commitment and the forgiveness must be lived out in experience so where do we begin in our relationship we begin first of all with our relationship with Jesus Christ many years ago when there was an earthquake in San Francisco as people were analyzing why so many buildings crumble the answer was because of dishonest mortar there were so many buildings built and the mortar was mixed with other elements and as a result the buildings were not strong as we come into our marriages if there is deceit if there is dishonesty if there is a lack of forgiveness if there is a lack of communication what you discover is that the marriage begins to crumble the bottom line today is simply this that we as husbands are to represent Jesus Christ and wives are to represent the church and in our marriages it is God's ideal that in the process of doing so others would be able to look at our marriages and say so that's what Jesus is like and that's what the church is like that's God's ideal and it begins with humility acknowledging our need and the forgiveness of God let's pray together our father today we do ache because we know that in many homes today there is strife even where there are homes where people are living together we know that oftentimes they are under the same roof but their hearts are far from one another many men have put up do not disturb signs on their hearts and there is no communication we urge today father that couples may be able to resolve their differences by talking by honesty by recognizing that they need your help Lord we pray that you might do that break into our lives we ask that we might represent Jesus to the world and for those who do not know him as Savior we pray that they might believe on him and be saved in Jesus name amen well I'm reminded of the words of Ruth Graham the wife of Billy Graham she said that marriage is two forgivers living together how true that is I've written a book entitled making the best of a bad decision and in the book I use many stories of people who have made bad decisions the question is what next I remember a couple who called me and I spoke to both of them here is their story they decided to say their vows privately so that they could be sexually intimate without having to wait until they had a formal marriage well as you might predict things went badly the husband wanted out of the marriage saying it wasn't really official the wife wanted to stay in the marriage saying that their vows were made before God what should they do well in this book I discuss situations like this where bad decisions have been made as a matter of fact there's an entire chapter on making the best of a bad marriage but I wrote this book because the subtitle says how to put your regrets behind you embrace grace and move toward a better future we make resources like this available to you to help you in your walk with God so for a gift of any amount simply ask for the book making the best of a bad decision and here's what you can do right now go to rtwoffer.com that's rtwoffer.com or if you prefer you can call right now 1-888-218-9337 I want to thank you for supporting this ministry because together we are making a difference and because I believe that this resource is so critical I'm going to give you that contact info again go to rtwoffer.com or call us at 1-888-218-9337 ask for the book making the best of a bad decision Time now for another chance for you to ask pastor Lutzer a question about the Bible or the Christian life divided families are a source of continual pain an anonymous running to win listener shared this with us my family has shunned me for four years and will not meet with me to even tell me why how can I get them to agree to talk with me so we can be reconciled I know this is spiritual warfare but I want to be a part of my children and grandchildren's lives what can I do I wish I could give you a quick answer to this but I can't in fact I'm only going to encourage you because I don't know the details for example I find it very interesting that you say my family has shunned me for four years well if I were talking to you I'd want to know what happened four years ago that this began because evidently they were not shunning you before that time so that would be one interesting point that needs investigation and needs to be addressed the other thing is have you ever tried to really analyze why they shun you is it just because you've become a Christian or is it because you've become a very obnoxious Christian and there is a difference there are some people who when they receive Christ as Savior can be very loving interactive with their family but there are others who have a spirit of condemnation against those who don't know Christ now I don't know whether that's true of you I'm simply throwing out various possibilities here and you say that it is spiritual warfare I believe that it is I would sit down though with the family members individually and have a talk and I would say to them tell me exactly and clearly why you have the attitude that you do about me and then listen they may have a point and try to be open to their criticism and to their comments your humility will build bridges into their lives and there may be some reason why they shun you meanwhile I certainly hope and pray that you'll be able to have some input into the lives of your children and your grandchildren there are reasons why you've been frozen out of that relationship I pray that you'll find out what they are and make the necessary adjustments within the goodwill and plan of God thank you Dr. Lutzer for those words of counsel if you'd like to hear your question answered go to our website at rtwoffer.com and click on Ask Pastor Lutzer or call us at 1-888-218-9337 that's 1-888-218-9337 you can write to us at Running to Win 1635 North LaSalle Boulevard Chicago Illinois 60614 Pastor Erwin Lutzer has concluded What God Wants Wives to Know another message in his series Between Heaven and Earth taken from Ephesians these days it's common for both husbands and wives to work next time join us for a look at God and your vocation this is Dave McAllister Running to Win is sponsored by the Moody Church