Becoming That Impossible Person Part 2

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. When the conscience goes dead, a person quickly becomes a narcissist, totally absorbed in themselves. For those close to such a person, this makes life very difficult. Today, more on understanding the narcissist and what to do with one.

From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, it's no fun being around self-absorbed people. Isn't it just easier to avoid them altogether? Well, Dave, what wonderful advice you have. Ignore them altogether. Yes, I understand that.

But if you're married to one, then it's another story. And my heart today goes out to the many people who are struggling with these relationships within the family and within their marriages. And what we need to do is, with God's help and an open Bible, see what God has to say and trust him to do what we can't. You know, I've written a book entitled The Power of a Clear Conscience, Let God Free You from Your Past. Love for you to have a copy because I think that this resource will be of tremendous help to you. This is where I discuss the kind of issues that we're talking about in this series of messages. For a gift of any amount, this book can be yours. Go to RTWOffer.com.

That's RTWOffer.com or call us at 1-888-218-9337. Now let us listen carefully as we have more insight into narcissism, that impossible person. There are people in this world who will stab you and leave you bleeding alongside of the road and walk away feeling sorry for themselves. That's narcissism.

Why? Because they are past feeling, as the Bible says. Also, if they admit to something, occasionally a narcissist will admit to something, but he'll minimize it. Okay, I messed up. I had an affair, so I'm sorry. Let's move on. No sense of the depth of the pain that he caused, no sense of the hurt, because all that he cares about is let's get this over with and let me confess superficially because whatever I did isn't that big a deal.

So it's always minimized. There's something else, and that is that they see people entirely as good or evil. Here's what will happen. A narcissist will marry this woman, and he will just adore her.

You know, you're the greatest thing in the world. I can't believe that I married you, yadda yadda yadda. Then she will not meet his expectations. She will not supply what his ego needs, and now instead of working through the difficulty, now he demonizes her. She's the worst possible person. Everything that she does is wrong.

I know that I'm throwing this in. We're giving you some extra stuff, but if you ever are in a divorce with a narcissist, and you say to yourself, well, you know, okay, I'll give her the house. I'll give her this just so that we can have peace. What you'll discover is that that is not enough because what she wants is to destroy you.

She wants to destroy you, and you must understand that. That's why I was so interested in that word in 2 Timothy. Never sought before this week, unappeasable, unappeasable, and they begin to see the evil that is in them as belonging to you. So they lie, they manipulate, and they use their emotions to come up with truth. So they don't need facts. They know who's against them. They know their paranoia as to who it is that's after them. They know the evil that other people have done. What are your facts? I don't have any.

I just know it, what interesting people they are. Well, you say, Pastor Luther, enough of that. What are we to do about it? Let me give you a prescription, and then we're going to turn to the Scriptures, of course, which has the answer to human need. And as always, God is the one who has the answer.

First of all, a couple of practical words. If you know anything about narcissism, and you're living with a person like this, would you just take a deep breath and remember that they too have a story? They have a story. And you and I must have the patience to listen to their story. Probably abused, probably a sense of abandonment when they were young, maybe an alcoholic home. And so this self-protection, this godhood that we've spoken about begins to take over.

And that may be the cause. Let us remember. And let us remember also that no matter how much evil they do, that there's more to them than simply the evil.

They are human beings, and we need to minister to them and help them as such. But also, and I'm just being very practical here, having lived a little longer than some of you, though I wouldn't even begin to think about me being as old as one person I see back there, don't have high expectations. If you have company over and they're happy, that is to say your spouse is happy and enjoying it, after the company leaves, they may suddenly and without reason turn into anger, control, criticism. And you say to yourself, who did I really marry? Was it this person we were just having fun with?

Or is it the person who turned so violently angry after the company left? Because remember, a narcissist doesn't have to be good, that's for sure. But they certainly have to look good.

They have to look good at all costs. But they don't have to be good. So lower your expectations. The other thing that I would suggest to you is that you need to be able to become a whole person in the midst of this. Paul says avoid people like this, but if you're married to them, that's pretty hard to do. So what you need to do is to find community. Find community within the church.

Find small groups. Find those who can pray with you and for you so that God will grant you the grace. And when sinned against, do not sin in return.

Let me say that again. When sinned against, do not sin in return. Now let me ask the question, can a narcissist change?

Well, I believe they can because I believe in grace, and nobody should be considered to be beyond the bounds of God's saving grace. I think that there are moments of clarity narcissists have. I already told you that this summer I preached a version of this message, and the next evening a woman said, you know that my husband, I mean obviously I wouldn't know, but she said, I want you to know that my husband is a narcissist. I said, was he in the service last night? She said, yes. In fact, she said, our kids were there too, and they were all looking at me as if to say, guess what? Look at who he's talking about over here. Now she said her husband's a Bible teacher.

Now don't be surprised at that. There are many people you see who use the Bible in order to teach others truth, but they will not allow the truth of God to penetrate their own hearts. They're insulated from that, but they enjoy Bible study. They enjoy the public platform because then they can communicate, and everybody can say, look at how much he knows. So it's very important to know that they may be in Christian ministry.

Now she went on to say, she said, my husband criticizes every sermon he hears. Well, why wouldn't he? I mean, narcissists know better. I mean, they have insight that other people lack.

Nothing can please them because their standards are so high because, after all, they are God, maybe with a small g, but you can understand. I said, well, that's interesting. I said, what did he say about the message that I preached last night? And she said that, in her memory, she could never remember a time like last night when they drove all the way home and he did not have one word to say about my message.

I thought, well, maybe, maybe there was a shaft of light and maybe he saw himself. I mean, we're talking here serious matters because narcissists don't see themselves. That's why everybody needs counseling. Everybody is wrong. Like the woman watching a parade.

She says, everyone is out of step except my son. Right? Take your Bible's turn to the book of Psalm 139. Here's an answer for a narcissist, and if it's an answer for a narcissist, it ought to do for you. I'm enjoying this message. I hope that you are too. I know how convicting it can be. I know how convicting. Psalm 139, David says this, oh Lord, you have searched me and known me.

It's a done deal. God knows everything, both actual and possible, about us. He says, you know when I sit down and when I rise up. How many times did you sit down or get up yesterday? I have no idea.

Couldn't count them. God knows the number and he does not know yesterday better than he knew 50 years ago. Accurate knowledge. You understand my thoughts afar off. What he means is before I think the thought, you know what I'm going to think. You see, he knows all of our thoughts. He knows those thoughts of how we deeply resent people who minimize us, how deeply we resent those people who are more successful than we at our own game.

The somebody who is more beautiful, somebody who's more gifted, God sees those thoughts too. And God sees it when we hypocritically come to church and pretend that we love people and glad hand people because we want to be thought of as loving when in our hearts we're despising them. God sees all of those thoughts.

Wow. He sees the things that we watch on our computer that we erase. He sees all of these things.

They are entirely present to him. He says there isn't a word in my tongue, but lo, O Lord, I know it all together. Before I stand up to speak, before the words are formed and I actually say them, you already know them.

Imagine that. And not only do you know them, but you know all the words that I wish I could speak, but because of various reasons, I don't speak them publicly, but they're spoken in my heart. And to a narcissist, I would say that God knows the fears, how scary it is to think that you might be exposed, how difficult it would be and how much shame you want to fear. And that's why you're all closed up and you come to church with your arms crossed, intending to be critical of what's happening, because after all, you can't let God get close to you and show you. Not only does David say that God knows us exhaustively and completely, he also says that God knows us eternally, eternally.

And by the way, you notice most crime is committed at night. It says, verse 9, if I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, well, surely the darkness shall come to cover me, the light is going to be, the night is going to be light about me. Everything that you do is in broad daylight to God.

Not only does God know us exhaustively, God knows us eternally. Verse 13, for you form my inward parts. You knitted me together in my mother's womb. You were there superintending the DNA that I would eventually have and the confluence of genes that would produce me.

It was you that didn't make me as beautiful as the person next door, or it is you who gave me certain limitations. It is you who were there and you were supervising all of that. And by the way, because God doesn't learn anything, has it ever dawned on you that nothing has ever dawned on God? Because of that, throughout all of eternity, he knew you. There's no new knowledge. God doesn't say, well, you know, I know a lot, but I still have to do some study once in a while.

No, he knows the whole thing. My frame was not, verse 15, was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret and intricately woven in the depths of the earth. What he means is, when I was in my mother's womb, you were there. Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and your book were written every one of them. The days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Oh, wow, how precious unto me, oh God, are thy thoughts.

It is too much for me, he says. The knowledge that God has blows your mind. Just go to Lake Michigan and watch the waves come in. And I think they always come in at about 22 times a minute, no matter how fast the wind is blowing, it's just that the waves are bigger. But every time a wave comes in, I've noticed the juxtaposition of sand changes. And God knows the longitude and the latitude of every grain of sand on the seashores of the world, even as those grains of sand shift their position.

Wow. Now, David gets to the end of the psalm, and what does he say in verse 23? Verse 23, search me, oh God, and know my heart. Wait a moment, is David contradicting himself? Verse 1, you have searched me and known me. And now he comes and says, search me.

What's going on in the text? David says, I know that you know all of me, and now I'm asking you to show me what you see. And my friend today, and this is for all of us, this isn't just for some group of people called narcissists, in the presence of God, we can have total honesty.

Total honesty, because we're not telling him anything he doesn't know anyway. We can spill out our hearts and we can pray this prayer, even as I did this week, oh God, oh God, show me what you see. Show me as much as I am able to handle of who I really am and my deceitful heart.

Show that to me. I want a conscience that is free of offense before God and before others, and I want a sensitive conscience. I don't want to be hardened, I don't want to be calloused, I don't want to be past feeling. And so we pray to God, reveal to us so that we can confess it and have the security to know that we can confess to others too. We can admit, and this is why, again, small groups and interaction in church is so important is we can admit who we are without fear of being rejected or thrown away because God, you know everything anyway. Why is it so hard for narcissists to change, or for that matter, all of us?

I'll tell you why. That in their hardened state, they would rather destroy everyone around them, including their family. They'd rather do that than let God change them.

They really would. You know, Jesus told a very interesting parable. He said that two people went into a temple to pray.

You know this whole story. And he says, one was righteous. Two men went into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.

The Pharisee standing by himself prayed, look, God, I thank you that I'm not like other men. They're extortioners, unjust, adulterers, even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week. I give my tithes of all that I get. In other words, I have nothing really to repent of.

It's this tax collector. He has something to repent of, but I don't. I just hold myself up as an example of prudence and discipline and righteousness. But the tax collector standing far off would not even lift up his eyes to heaven but beat his breast, saying, God, be merciful to me, the sinner. Jesus said, I tell you that this man went home justified.

God, be propitious. God, grant me grace, the grace of your forgiveness. And of course, that's why Jesus died.

He died on the cross as a sacrifice so that all people who believe on him may be saved. Now hear me carefully. There are some people who have to repent of their sins.

They are like the tax collector. He had to repent of his sins, which I'm sure were many. But hear me now. There are some people who have to repent of their righteousness. That's what they have to repent of. This Pharisee had to repent of his righteousness, of his self-righteousness. And today, I'm speaking to some of you who know that you are sinners. There's hope for you, because Jesus died for sinners. But I'm speaking to those of you who see yourself as righteous and above these things. For you, it is very difficult, because you have to repent of your righteousness. Jesus said, I came not to save the righteous but sinners to repentance. And whether you're a narcissist or not, and my how I've prayed that if you are, you'll hear this message, we all have to repent of our righteousness and say, oh, God, I don't care how much I give. I don't care how well I am honored.

I don't care about my faithfulness. I stand before you as a sinner in need of grace, in need of the forgiveness and the transformation that you intend to bring about in my life. Paul says, they profess to know God.

And you listen to all these things. They profess to know God, but they deny his power, and they've never been transformed. And if they are transformed, their hard hearts need to be broken in the presence of the Spirit. And then after that, of course, they are healed through community, through community, through connection, through healthy relationships. It's what a narcissist needs. But most of the time, they think they don't need anything, and so they live their isolated life in their own little world. And this world becomes their world.

It's a warped world, but to them, it is reality. What does God talk to you about today? Whether or not you're in the balcony or here or you're listening by radio or the internet, so many different ways nowadays to listen to a message. Could you stop right now and tell God that you are willing to do whatever he wants you to do to break out of self-righteousness and to come as a sinner in need of renewing your conscience so that it could be said of you, you have a love from a pure heart, a good conscience and a sincere faith. I wish I could pray with all of you. I wish it would be feasible for us to get on our knees today and seek God. It's probably logistically not feasible, but that's what we need to do as a church. We need to seek him.

Would you do that at home with or without someone? Lock yourself into a room and say to God, search my heart. I want to deal with issues that I've neglected. Father, help us because we're sinners and we thank you for the love of Jesus, which is deep. We thank you that the one who knows us the best loves us the most and therefore we can be secure in sharing our own needs, sharing who we are, letting the mask drop so that in the midst of that reality, we may see the power of God. Do that at the Moody Church and for all who are listening, how desperately we need it in Jesus' name. Well, my friend, this is Pastor Lutzer. No matter where you are listening to this message today, if possible, get before God and ask him to reveal to you what you must do in his presence to understand yourself and to understand him and be totally honest in his presence. I believe that these messages have been a great blessing to so many.

Would you like to listen to them again and again? Here's what you do. You go to RTWOffer.com. Now for a gift of any amount, these messages can be yours.

The title of the series is The Power of a Clear Conscience. Let me give you that contact information again, RTWOffer.com, or if you prefer, you can call us at 1-888-218-9337. And I want to, from the depths of my heart, thank the many of you who stand with us regularly with your prayers and with your gifts. Together, we are making a difference. And here at Running to Win, we keep our eyes on the vision to help you make it all the way to the finish line. That's why we make these resources available to you. Here's what you can do as I mentioned earlier. Go to RTWOffer.com or call us at 1-888-218-9337.

The name of the sermon series is The Power of a Clear Conscience. You can write to us at Running to Win, 1635 North LaSalle Boulevard, Chicago, Illinois 60614. It's tragic. All too many people use suicide to end a miserable life. Next time on Running to Win, why no depression is so deep that any of us have to kill ourselves to stop it. This is Dave McAllister. Running to Win is sponsored by the Moody Church.