Becoming That Impossible Person Part 1

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. When we live or work with someone whose conscience is dead or defiled, the evil latent in every human heart is on full display.

How do we cope with people who seem to be beyond hope? Today, a look at people with hardened consciences and how to handle them. From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, I believe today you will help us understand the process of becoming that impossible person. Dave, I really do think that our listeners right now ought to go to the phone and call a friend and invite them to listen to Running to Win, because the message that I'm going to be presenting on becoming an impossible person is going to be very helpful, because all throughout the country, we're discovering that there are plenty of narcissists who are almost impossible to get along with.

And there's some marriage partners who are going to discover that I'm discussing their mate, or I may even be discussing them. This sermon, I think, is so helpful, but it's part of a larger series entitled The Power of a Clear Conscience. We'd like to make this sermon series available to you so that you can listen to these messages again and again. Now, for a gift of any amount, and thanks in advance for helping us, these messages can be yours.

Go to RTWOffer.com or call us at 1-888-218-9337. Now let's go to the pulpit of Moody Church and get some deep insight into the human heart as we see others, but we'll also see ourselves. A year or two ago, I told you this story, but I need to retell it because of its relevance to my sermon. There was a man who went to his pastor and said, you know, my wife is trying to poison me.

The pastor said, no way. I know your wife. She's a nice woman. There's no way she tried to poison you. He said, pastor, she's trying to poison me.

I can even see the poison next to my plate. He said, there's a part of my wife that you don't understand. I suggest you talk to her. Well, later on that afternoon, the pastor came back and said to the man, you know, I spent three and a half hours speaking with your wife this afternoon. I have a suggestion for you.

He said, what is it? The pastor said, just take the poison. Now, the reason I'm preaching this message today is so that you don't have to take the poison. You know, of course, the theme of this series of messages is found in 1 Timothy chapter 1 verse 5.

I hope it's a verse that you memorize. The Bible says this. Paul says, the aim of our instruction, the aim of our instruction is love that flows from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith. And I'd like to suggest to you today that those three words are related, to be able to have a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith. Because if you don't have a good conscience, you have no confidence toward God. Now, today we're going to talk about the conscience in a negative sense. That is to say, the Bible has much to say about people who have a hardened conscience, and we're going to be talking about them. For example, the scripture is very clear. It says in 1 Timothy chapter 2 that there will be teachers. And it says whose liars, they are liars whose consciences are seared.

The old King James used to say is with a hot iron. We're talking about those whose consciences are cauterized. That's the word that's used there.

They are without feeling. And then also the Bible says in the book of Timothy that there are those who have a defiled conscience. And there's a whole list of sins that they commit because their conscience is defiled, and they no longer know the difference between right or wrong, and they are blind to their own huge need. There's another passage that doesn't mention the word conscience, but my, is it ever relevant to what I'm speaking about today. This is 2 Timothy chapter 3 verse 1 and following. I'm going to read the first five verses. You'll notice in the 2 Timothy chapter 3 verse 1, it says, but understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty for people will be lovers of self. That's what I'm going to speak on today is lovers of self.

Notice that the apostle Paul put it at the head of all of the other sins that he lists. Lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless. Wow. Unappeasable.

You know, I don't know how other translations have that word, but this week I was thinking of unappeasable. What a description of some people. And then you'll notice it says, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not, loving, good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power from such people.

Pulses turn away, avoid them if you can. Well, that's quite a list of sins and what we'd like to do today is to take a tour of the human heart. It's going to be a very painful tour because I'm going to speak to you about narcissism, which is self-love, which stands at the head of all of these other sins. One way to deal with this would be for me to go through and to explain what every one of these words means.

In a sense, I'm going to be doing that, but I'm going to be doing it from a different perspective. So as we speak, I want you to know that to some extent, and I'll define narcissism in a moment, to some extent, all of us are narcissists. All of us love ourselves. But there are some people, about 10 percent of the population, who are actually diagnosed as narcissistic. And these people exist in churches. They're in Christian leadership oftentimes. They can be involved in every one of the vocations, whether they are attorneys or doctors or factory workers. Narcissism, love of self, can be at the bottom of it.

One other word, and that is that I'm often going to be speaking about he, but it could all equally apply to she because narcissism, whether or not it's men or women, both can be very narcissistic, as we'll explain in a moment. Well, this is a topical message, actually. I mention that because this morning there's some guest present who are theologians, and so I want them to simply know that I know that this is a topical message. Next week, I'm going to speak on the topic why Lady Macbeth didn't have to commit suicide and why you don't either.

And at that point, we're going to be in the book of Hebrews. But today, a topical message on self-love. Narcissism comes to us from Greek mythology, Narcissus. He was the son of a god, supposedly, and he was in love with himself, and he was greatly admired by people. And the story goes that he looked into a pool and saw his image and fell in love with himself so that he couldn't even eat.

He became almost anorexic because he was so enamored with how beautifully he looked, and so we have narcissism. The other day I was meditating, and it dawned on me that when Satan said to Adam and Eve, you shall be like God, that of course was fulfilled in some sense that now man is his own god. I asked myself this question, what is it that God does that the narcissist does? Well, first of all, whatever God does is right. The Bible says our God is in the heavens. He's done whatever he is pleased.

By definition, whatever God does is right. The narcissist believes that he's always right. You can't teach him anything. He doesn't learn anything. Because he has this air of superiority, he knows it all. He already has a better perspective than anyone else. Another characteristic of God is that everything exists for them, for God.

The Bible says in the book of Revelation that all things were created for God, and for his pleasure they were created. Now let me describe a narcissist. He's someone who processes all information through two important questions. How does this make me look? How does this make me feel? Feeling good about himself is incredibly important. And if you mention that someone else is successful, they will become very, very envious and even angry that they are not recognized, because everyone else exists for what could be called narcissistic supply, namely to feed their ego. So they have a sense of entitlement. They really believe the world owes them, and when the world doesn't stand up and give them what they believe they deserve, what you'll find is a great deal of anger, disappointment, depression, because people aren't just recognizing who they really are. Another characteristic of God, of course, is that God's glory is most important. There are many narcissists who are obsessed with their appearance, obsessed with it. They need a constant, extensive program of affirmation and admiration. We're looking now into the human heart, because what they want is for people to recognize them. Sometimes they have fantasies of success and over-exaggerate their particular issues and the things that they have accomplished, because everything basically exists for them. And then they seek control, because God controls everything.

Recognizing anybody yet? You will in a little bit, I'm sure. They want to control people, and they often do it through chaos. Chaos is very important. The family has to be kept wondering what Dad thinks, and nobody really knows, because his actions are unpredictable. And the minute you think you've found a way to please him, you discover that the goalposts have moved.

It's like kicking a field goal, and while the ball is in the air, the posts get moved farther back, so that you always lose. You are always criticized. You are always belittled, because it is the narcissist who's the center of everything that is happening, and everything should come out good and critical of everything, because if they ever approve of anything, that means that someone else has some good.

And as a result of that, that's the way in which they live. If a narcissist walks into a room, he or she sees everyone else as competition. And what he has to do is to somehow diminish them, maybe through criticism of other people, maybe because of his presence, because, remember, a narcissist has to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. Everything needs to focus in on him.

He has to be the center of attention. And so they feel uncomfortable when there's peace. They certainly feel uncomfortable when someone else is honored, because they think to themselves, that really should be me. After all, they're gods, maybe God with a small g, but they are gods, aren't they? Isn't that the promise of Eden? You shall be your own God? Well, I've been describing a narcissist, and I'm going to continue on in this description, because it seems to me that self-love standing at the head of this catalog of sins reminds us that it is really the seat of all conflict.

It is the seat of everything else that follows. And of course, as a result of that, these folks have a cauterized conscience. And that's the point that I want to make. I preached a version of this message this summer. And the very next day when I was having breakfast, there were these couples eating at the table. And at one table, randomly, two couples, both of whom whose children married narcissists, both of whom divorced their mates. And so they found this message very, very interesting. They said, I know exactly what it is that you are saying.

And I said to a couple, I said, now, didn't your son know? Weren't there some signs that this woman was narcissistic after they described her? And she said, yeah, the first night he came home, when he met her, he said, you know, I met this real cute girl, but she believes that she's the center of the universe.

What should have been his first clue that this isn't going to go very well? I know she was cute. She was probably bubbly. She was probably very engaging, lots of fun, as narcissists often are. But she believes she's the center of the universe. It's like a t-shirt that a woman was wearing the other day that said, it's all about me.

Or the t-shirt I saw on Wells Street just across the way when somebody says, just worship me and we'll get along fine. That's all you have to do because you exist for them. You are a narcissistic supply. So here's what life is like if you married a narcissist.

And I have no doubt, but that some of you have. Remember, 10% of people, how many people are in your row sitting here, you know? Count one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Turn to somebody next to you and say, you could be a narcissist. Let me tell you what life is like. And this is not from experience because my dear wife, Rebecca, is one of the most selfless people one could possibly imagine. Yes, thank you. Thank you.

Praise God for that. Now, the guy that she lives with, well, that's another story. I'll tell you about narcissists because I know a little bit about them. And our daughter is a counselor and she encounters them all the time.

And she actually wrote a paper and some of my ideas are from her paper. What is self-love like in a home? First of all, they have their own reality. They have their own reality.

You see, truth to a narcissist is something he has to dispense of if it gets in the way of his ego and what he wants to do. They have their own reality. And sometimes you think that you've agreed with them about something and you have a meeting of the minds and then you discover that they took the truth and they turned it a half turn and suddenly it comes out as something very different than you agreed on. And you begin to say to yourself, am I crazy or are they crazy?

I thought that we agreed on this, filled with self-justification. And so they have their own reality. They have no feelings, no feelings. This is what actually led me to preach this message is because, remember, Paul says their consciences are cauterized. The book of Ephesians says in the old King James that they are past feeling, chapter four of Ephesians.

It also says now in my translation, callous. You must remember they have no feelings for those whom they hurt. If they're abusers, they don't even hear the cry of this little boy saying, no, daddy, daddy, don't beat me.

They don't hear that. And at the same time, they feel their own pain very keenly, very keenly. I think one of the best examples of narcissism in the Bible is Cain. You know, Adam and Eve, they raised Cain. And Cain kills his brother Abel and God says, you're going to be a fugitive and you're going to be a fugitive in the land, but nobody will kill you. I'll put a mark on you. And Cain has to cry and say, if anyone finds me, they're going to kill me. Oh, pass the Kleenex, Cain. Let's give them out at the door so that we can all cry.

You just murdered your brother Abel. And now you're complaining about the fact that somebody may kill you and that you have to be a fugitive. There are people in this world who will stab you and leave you bleeding alongside of the road and walk away feeling sorry for themselves. That's narcissism.

Why? Because they are past feeling, as the Bible says. Also, if they admit to something, occasionally a narcissist will admit to something, but he'll minimize it. Okay, I messed up. I had an affair, so I'm sorry. Let's move on. No sense of the depth of the pain that he caused, no sense of the hurt, because all that he cares about is let's get this over with and let me confess superficially because whatever I did isn't that big a deal.

So it's always minimized. There's something else, and that is that they see people entirely as good or evil. Here's what will happen. A narcissist will marry this woman and he will just adore her.

You know, you're the greatest thing in the world. I can't believe that I married you, yada, yada, yada. Then she will not meet his expectations. She will not supply what his ego needs, and now instead of working through the difficulty, now he demonizes her. She's the worst possible person. Everything that she does is wrong.

I know that I'm throwing this in. We're giving you some extra stuff, but if you ever are in a divorce with a narcissist and you say to yourself, well, you know, okay, I'll give her the house. I'll give her this just so that we can have peace. What you'll discover is that that is not enough because what she wants is to destroy you.

She wants to destroy you, and you must understand that. That's why I was so interested in that word in 2nd Timothy, never sought before this week, unappeasable, unappeasable, and they begin to see the evil that is in them as belonging to you. So they lie, they manipulate, and they use their emotions to come up with truth. So they don't need facts. They know who's against them. They know their paranoia as to who it is that's after them. They know the evil that other people have done. What are your facts?

I don't have any. I just know it. What interesting people they are. Well, you say, Pastor Luther, enough of that. What are we to do about it? Let me give you a prescription, and then we're going to turn to the Scriptures, of course, which has the answer to human need. And as always, God is the one who has the answer.

First of all, a couple of practical words. If you know anything about narcissism and you're living with a person like this, would you just take a deep breath and remember that they too have a story? They have a story. And you and I must have the patience to listen to their story, probably abused, probably a sense of abandonment when they were young, probably maybe an alcoholic home. And so this self-protection, this godhood that we've spoken about begins to take over.

And that may be the cause. Let us remember. And let us remember also that no matter how much evil they do, that there's more to them than simply the evil. They are human beings, and we need to minister to them and help them as such.

Well, my friend, this is Pastor Luther. And absolutely, you're going to have to listen to this sermon next time as we continue our discussion of narcissism, becoming an impossible person. One of the things that I've discovered about these kinds of people, and I emphasize it in the message, is that they have their own view of reality. It's as if they really live in another world. And to them, this other world is the real world. Facts can be taken and they can be twisted.

And you'd be surprised at their ingenuity and their brilliance to cover for themselves. I believe so deeply that this series of messages is very important and for a gift of any amount, these messages can be yours. Here's what you do. You go to rtwoffer.com, rtwoffer.com, or call us at 1-888-218-9337.

That's 1-888-218-9337. The title of the series, by the way, is The Power of a Clear Conscience Let God Free You from Your Past. And my heart goes out to the many of you who are struggling here with relationships. You met someone who appeared to be very nice, and then you got to know them and you discovered their dark side.

How do you relate to that? Remember the title of the series, The Power of a Clear Conscience. For a gift of any amount, these messages can be yours. Go to rtwoffer.com or call us at 1-888-218-9337. And be sure to continue to listen to the ministry of Running to Win. Invite your friends to listen because together we are making a difference. And thanks in advance for helping us get the gospel to many. You can write to us at Running to Win 1635 North LaSalle Boulevard, Chicago, Illinois 60614. When the conscience goes dead, a person becomes a self-absorbed narcissist. Next time on Running to Win, more on understanding what to do with an impossible person. This is Dave McAllister. Running to Win is sponsored by the Moody Church.