Building A Lasting Marriage Part 2

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. Gustav and Wanda Lutzer celebrated 76 years of marriage in Canada. Their fifth child was Dr. Erwin Lutzer, who is telling their story on running to win. He lists five principles that kept his parents together through thick and thin.

From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, remind us of some of the principles that kept your parents together for so long. Well Dave, in a moment when we go to the pulpit of Moody Church, I'm going to be discussing those principles, but I need to say that the bedrock was a solid commitment to one another.

The idea of divorce never crossed their minds. God had brought them together. They were going to learn together no matter how difficult life became, and oftentimes it became very difficult, but their dogged faith kept them going. I have a wonderful example in my parents who are in heaven today. You know, I've always had an interest in Germany. My parents, of course, were German, even though they were born in the Ukraine, and I've written a book entitled When a Nation Forgets God, Seven Lessons We Must Learn from Nazi Germany. You know, Nazi Germany, during the time after World War I, it didn't appear to be on a trajectory of tremendous horror.

In many respects, it was a country like America was back then, and then something happened. And I believe that there are lessons that we have to learn today. For a gift of any amount, this book can be yours. Here's what you do.

Go to rtwoffer.com or call us at 1-888-218-9337. And now let us listen as I continue to tell the story of my parents whose legacy continues. They had their disagreements, they even had their arguments, but they had their time of forgiveness and then they moved on. You see, one of the purposes of marriage is to develop character, to develop humility, to know how selfish we are, because we are all more selfish than we realize and nothing brings it out more than marriage.

May I speak candidly? The Pope would have never claimed infallibility if he'd been married, all right? So my parents were committed to character, honesty, truthfulness, determination. That was a part of their makeup. Third, they had mutual goals that they agreed on.

They never wrote them out. They wouldn't have been that kind of people, but they knew what they wanted, particularly for us children. Now I have to say that on the negative side, by negative I don't mean negative in a wrong sense, but in order to keep us from sin, let me put it that way, because my parents wanted to teach us to hate sin.

And when you're a child, it's hard to hate sin when you know right well you love it. But my parents, they had, for example, certain ideas of separation. For example, no alcohol. They never drank. They warned us about drink.

And I say this hesitantly, but I say it for the glory of God, that among their 16 grandchildren, one of them is in heaven, so that would make 17, but among their 16 grandchildren, and we hope it'll be true of their great grandchildren, their children, their grandchildren, and we hope it's true of the great grandchildren who have yet to grow up, that none struggle with anything that has to do with alcoholism. It's simply not a part of their lives. So I thank God for that upbringing, though it was probably more strict than we would think it should be. We weren't allowed to see any movies at all.

You never walked into a theater. You say, well, you know, that really is strict. Yes, it is strict, but you know, as children, we did not develop a sensual appetite.

We have enough struggles within our own minds with sensuality and lustful issues, and children today, I'm afraid, with all of the media, with MTV, and with movies, they develop this sensual appetite that needs to constantly be fed until they discover that they have a monster within them. And so these rules, even though they seem to be strict, I think were good, and I thank God for strict parents. On the positive side, that is by positive, and I don't mean, again, I shouldn't have used the word negative there because I think that those were good things, but on the other side, what they tried to do is to teach us the value of work. Now I have to tell you that as the last born, that lesson blew past me. It really did. My older brothers, they had to, my sisters had to, to quote the words of one of my sisters, our younger brother, our youngest brother, got away with blue murder.

That business of working was never something that I found impressive. But that's what they were committed to, the covenant, to character, to goals. Number four, commitment to God, which I'm sure I should have listed as number one. The Bible says, love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and my parents in their own plain way demonstrated that. We did not leave for school in the morning, we did not leave the house in the morning, but that we all spent time reading a passage of scripture. I mean, one person would read a passage of scripture and then we would all get on our knees and we all had to pray. Sometimes as children we only prayed the Lord's prayer together, sometimes we prayed individually, but the day never began without prayer from the reading the German Bible and then praying on our knees. That was very important as we as children grew up, so we knew that God was just a part of everything. My parents demonstrated it in their lives. It was in the early 50s that we had a hailstorm and in those days my father did not have hail insurance.

If you've ever been on the farm and you've been in hail you know that the window panes in the house can break very easily, so we took pillows and held them against the window panes so that when the hail hit it wouldn't break the pain. And it became very clear that in about 15 or 20 minutes the entire crop was gone. The farm wasn't paid for, there was a lot of debt, my parents were poor, making the best they could with what they had. And I remember, sorry if I'm going to lose it here, they gathered us together and they asked us to get on our knees to give thanks to God for his goodness, for the fact that we had clothes and a roof over our head. And we knew that God was number one in their lives.

They really believed that serving God was all that there was. I don't want to give the impression that my parents were perfect. I'll tell you this very candidly, my father for a long period of time suffered with what we later learned were anxiety attacks and he always thought that he was dying. Now some of this is because of his background which contains some abuse that I will not go into and also the responsibility of taking care of his family. And so we always thought that dad was dying, in fact one time he called us all together, he brought my brother in from the field and all five of us were there to say goodbye to us, said that he would meet us in heaven, told us to take care of mother and that we shouldn't fight among ourselves. I don't know why he said that, I mean the Lutzer's wouldn't fight among themselves. I was about 10 years old and we were all crying.

I always say to people who have anxiety attacks, my father's left him when he was about 55 or 60 and he's lived to 105 so be patient, you might get over yours too, alright? Under service to God, my parents were very generous. I didn't learn this until my sister told me who fills out their income tax. Now I don't think they fill any out because they don't get enough, they just get the pension. But I was astounded at how they give. They were giving more than 50% of their pension income to missionaries, to the poor, to the church and I tell you more than 50%.

They used what they needed to eat, to buy clothes if they thought they needed them and the rest they gave away. You know what? When they die, we're not going to have anything to fight over, let me tell you that, alright? And I think that's a good idea, don't you?

No clapping there, huh? By the way, you know, those of you whom God has blessed financially, you should ask yourself this question, how much do I need? And you can be very generous with that amount. How much do you need? How much do you want to pass on to your children?

What would be rational? And then think of creative ways to give the rest away and if you need some ideas, I'll be up here after the service to give it. Give it to the kingdom, give it to the kingdom, make it a transforming experience to be able to say, not that I leave it all to the children who are going to argue over it and fight over it and squander it, but to say what can I give to God that will last forever? So number four, they were committed to God, to love the Lord their God with all their heart and with all their mind. Fifth, they had the understanding, a basic understanding for the need of personal conversion. I told you that my mother was baptized Lutheran when she came from the Ukraine but wasn't born again and began to seek. How can she understand the gospel?

She attended this little church where the gospel was preached, they were having special meetings and about the third night she went forward and was so radically transformed she said it was as if the Holy of Holies had just come upon her. She found finally what she looked for and their prayers for us always were about many things but I remember them clearly praying over and over again almost every day in those devotion times. They would pray that when they would get to heaven that all five of their children would be there and we were prayed for by name.

Wow. At their 70th anniversary I said to mother I said mother do you know the names of all of your great grandchildren? I think there were 31 great-grandchildren at the time, there are some more now because I didn't know who all these kids belong to.

I said do you know all of your 31 great-grandchildren? And she just waved her hand like this and she said oh she said of course she said I have a prayer list and I mention every one of them to our Heavenly Father every day. I say this to you in sincerity I believe that one of the reasons God has kept my parents alive for as long as they have is because he knows their children particularly the last one needs their prayers to the very end to the very end.

Grandparents and I'm one I'm a grandfather what we need to do is to intercede for our grandchildren the temptations and the world is so horrid out there may we remember them in prayer regularly. You say well have you been personally converted by the way? My parents struggled with the issue of assurance of salvation because they were brought up in a teaching that wasn't quite as comfortable as some of ours sometimes is. They struggled with the notion as to whether or not someone could fall away from the faith and they believed that one could.

Therefore they were preoccupied with themselves and with us to make sure that every one of their children accepted Jesus Christ personally. Look at my life now I'm 14 years old I'm on the farm I haven't had much chance to do a lot of things that I guess I would have liked to have done if I had lived in the city or somewhere and I find within me this great sense of conviction of sin and I just can hardly function because all that I can think about is am I born again? At night I would pray as a child and say I accept Jesus as my Savior over and over again but it didn't take it was as if it just wasn't there and I was expecting this special experience and it wasn't happening and there I am and they sensed it and they said you know we think it's time that you accepted Christ as Savior I was about 14 and I remember saying to them I said you know I've tried to but it doesn't seem to work for me and they said look you have to receive Christ by faith he died for you he died for sinners you need to receive him by faith even if you don't feel differently. So they took us into the living room they took me into the living room I was home alone with them at that time and we knelt at a chair and I received Christ as my Savior there and immediately even the next day I knew that I had been born again I had come to know God. By the way last summer I made a rather sentimental journey I went back to the old farmhouse went into the living room and knelt at the very place where I had received Christ as Savior 50 years ago to thank God for saving my soul.

So my question to you is are you born again by faith you've received Christ as your Savior and you know it because it's real in your heart. Join me as we pray. Our father I want to pray today for all the couples that are here for the ones that are going through terrible experiences for the ones who do not have happy homes. I pray for the divorced people help them to realize that God is the God of the second chance that there is forgiveness and there is hope and there is cleansing. I pray for those who are not yet married I pray that you might keep them from unwise decisions and I pray father that in your grace that those who have not received Christ as Savior may do it even now say I've not been born again I receive him as my Savior personally right now by faith.

Going to pause for a moment you talk to God right now and say to him whatever you need to say. Father I'm sure that this message means different things to different people. To some it means that they need to be born again to others it means that they need to have a long talk with their spouse. For some it means that they have to clean up their past by faith they need help. For some it is a word of caution whatever it is father make it transforming and made this message ring in their ears this afternoon tomorrow and all next week and into the future. In Jesus name we pray.

Amen. Well my friend this is Pastor Lutzer I need to say that the house in which I was converted so many years ago no longer exists it's been torn down. Time changes but what doesn't change is the basic commitment we have to have to our marriages. If you've been blessed as a result of this message let me suggest that you get the series it's titled till death do us part. It's intended to help couples not only to see an example of a marriage that lasted namely that of my parents but also encouragement for their own struggles because life is difficult but God is there for us. For a gift of any amount this series of messages can be yours. Here's what you do go to rtwoffer.com that's rtwoffer.com or call us at 1-888-218-9337. In a day in which marriage is falling apart in a day when people come to their marriages oftentimes with so many reservations we need the kind of example that says we are committed to that covenant. So if you'd like this series for any amount you go to rtwoffer.com or you call us at 1-888-218-9337 that's 1-888-218-9337. It's time again for you to ask pastor Lutzer a question about the Bible or the Christian life today marital strife has brought one listener to the brink Janice from Illinois asks my husband and I have been married for 30 years it has been tumultuous at best and we got married because I was pregnant I was saved out of a liberal church 25 years ago and while my husband says he is born again I don't think he gets it my husband left when our son was 15 he had a deep intimate emotional affair and then came back one and a half years later but he came home for our son who was having difficulty in high school he did not come back for me and our relationship our son's needs were always put ahead of ours our son is now 28 and married my husband paid a very sizable amount of his very expensive wedding I was so angry about the extravagance but I made many inappropriate comments this caused tension which has still not been resolved to this day my son will not allow me in his home to see his wife or my grandchild my heart has changed since then and I have apologized they say they forgive me but unless I'm talking about some general topic I'm told I'm saying something inappropriate my question is since my husband refuses to seek counseling for our marriage clearly we have no emotional connection whatsoever what should I do Janice first of all let me say that my heart certainly goes out to you you know it's a reminder to me as a pastor that people live in a great deal of pain clearly you do you feel isolated you feel alone you feel as if there's nobody there there seems to be no hope for your marriage and now of course you're being cut off from your son also and his wife first of all let me say this however it is important for you to see yourself objectively in all of this you do have to ask yourself the question what have you done to cause such hostility toward you you know I always say the ability to see ourselves as others do is a divine gift and I mention that because you need to make sure that your own conscience is clear now thankfully you have asked for forgiveness but there may be some other things there that you can do to somehow ease the tension and to defrost the cold relationship that you have there for the members of your family but there's more of course to your story from your letter I got the impression that when your husband had that affair and he came back there was no counseling there was no repentance he came back into your life and wanted to be accepted as if nothing happened and that of course was a mistake because when you don't deal with these issues seriously when sin is not taken seriously the cure is not taken seriously but that is history apparently and you can't go back to the beginning in that relationship so what you must do now is to simply prove your love and have the right attitude toward your husband and toward his son and you need to trust God and simply say Lord I believe that this is unfair I see no hope but I'm going to be a faithful wife I'm going to be a faithful mother and I am going to try to prove my love and prove all that I believe about you being adequate for this situation and then go for some counsel talk to your pastor ask others to pray with you you can't clean up this mess I don't think you can only God can so all that you can do is to guard your heart to have faith and to trust to go for some help and somebody else has to sort all this out Janice thank you for opening your heart to us today many listeners probably share the same kinds of struggles you do thank you Pastor Lutzer for your answers if you'd like to hear your question answered you can go to our website at RTWOffer.com and click on Ask Pastor Lutzer or you can call us at 1-888-218-9337 that's 1-888-218-9337 you can write to us at Running to Win 1635 North LaSalle Boulevard Chicago Illinois 60614 Running to Win is all about helping you understand God's roadmap for your race of life these days when marriages break up many have made so-called prenuptial agreements to divvy up the loot few couples take seriously the covenant they enter into next time on Running to Win we get back to basics and find out why marriage in God's view is a lifetime deal come what may plan to join us as Erwin Lutzer speaks on those vows mean something the second of four messages in a series on till death do us part thanks for listening for Dr. Erwin Lutzer this is Dave McAllister running to win is sponsored by the Moody Church