Getting Over Grief

Hey, podcast listeners! Thanks for streaming today's podcast, From Pathway to Victory. Pathway to Victory is a nonprofit ministry featuring the Bible teaching of Dr. Robert Jeffress. Our mission is to pierce the darkness with the light of God's word through the most effective media available, like this podcast. To support Pathway to Victory, go to ptv.org slash donate or follow the link in our show notes. Now, here's today's podcast, From Pathway to Victory. God's word with you every day on this Bible teaching program. On today's edition of Pathway to Victory. I know there are those Christians who would say, well, you know, Christians aren't supposed to grieve.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Ladies and gentlemen, don't let anyone tell you that to grieve, to weep, to have sadness over the death of a loved one is somehow unspiritual or unChristian. Jesus wept. It was a natural part of the grieving process. Welcome to Pathway to Victory with author and pastor, Dr. Robert Jeffress.

You know, sooner or later, we will all experience the pain of losing someone we love. And while nothing can fully prepare us for that moment, God's word provides comfort and guidance for walking through the valley of grief. Today on Pathway to Victory, Dr. Robert Jeffress shares how to process loss in a healthy way while holding on to hope. Now, here's our Bible teacher to introduce today's message.

Dr. Jeffress. Thanks, David, and welcome to this Friday edition of Pathway to Victory. In just a matter of weeks, several hundred of your fellow Pathway to Victory listeners will embark on an unforgettable 11-day vacation. I'm referring to the Pathway to Victory Journeys of Paul Mediterranean Cruise and would love for you to join us.

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But right now, let's turn to the subject at hand. Death and grief are experiences we all face at some point in our lives. And while the pain of losing a loved one can feel overwhelming, God provides us with hope and help for dealing with our sorrow.

I titled today's message, Getting Over Grief. It was George Bernard Shaw who wrote, the statistics on death are quite impressive. One out of every one dies.

That's the truth. You're not going to get out of this world alive. But what about those of us who are left behind when we do lose a loved one? How do we cope? We're going to talk about the very common experience that we're all going to go through at one time or another, and that is the problem of grief.

You might remember in my sermon on depression, I talked about the Thomas Holmes stress test, an attempt to gauge various life changes and the corresponding stress that they produce. At the very top of the meter, 100 units, was the death of a spouse. Nothing causes more stress in your life than losing that person closest to you.

C.S. Lewis, writing about the death of his wife, said, her absence is like the sky spread over everything. No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I'm not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.

The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning, I keep on swallowing. Of course, you could expand that to include the loss of anyone who is important to you, a child, a parent, a close friend. I know there are those Christians who would say, well, you know, Christians aren't supposed to grieve.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Grief over the loss of a loved one is both a normal and a necessary emotion for our healing. And we're going to see that in God's word. I want to begin by talking about the biblical basis for grief. If you have your Bibles, turn to John chapter 11. John chapter 11. And this is the familiar story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. You remember Jesus had three really close friends here on earth, Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha.

Look at John chapter 11, beginning with verse 1. Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister, Martha. And it was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. And the sisters, therefore, sent to Jesus, saying, Lord, behold, the one whom you love is sick. But when Jesus heard this, he said, The sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified by it. The Bible says there are various reasons we get sick. Sometimes it is because of sin in our life. And James 5 addresses a particular kind of sickness that is caused by sin in our life.

And we're to call for the elders and ask for the anointing of oil and confess our sins to one another. Sometimes we have a sickness, as he alludes to here, that is a natural part of dying. If we didn't get sick, we wouldn't die.

If we didn't die, we never could be changed from this life into the next life. But Jesus said, This particular sickness is not for death, but that the Son of God might be glorified by it. That is, Jesus was about to perform a miracle and glorify himself. That says, Now Jesus loved Lazarus. When, therefore, Jesus heard that he was sick, he stayed then two days longer in the place that he was. A strange response for someone who supposedly loved Lazarus.

But Jesus had a different plan than immediate healing. Look at verse 11. And after that he said to them, Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go that I might awaken him out of the sleep. When a Christian dies, he doesn't cease to exist. The Bible simply uses the terminology sleep. A Christian sleeps. By the way, that word sleep refers to the physical body, not the spiritual soul of a person.

There's no such thing as soul sleep. Paul said in 2 Corinthians 5-8, For a Christian to be absent from the body is to be at home with the Lord. But our physical body is said to go to sleep awaiting the great resurrection. Finally, after the days had passed, Jesus came to Bethany. Look at verse 20. Martha therefore, when she heard that Jesus was coming, went out to meet him, but Mary still sat in the house. And Martha therefore said to him, Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. Verse 33, When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in the Spirit, and was troubled, and said, Where have you laid him?

They said to the Lord, Lord, come and see. And then, of course, the shortest verse in the Bible, Jesus wept. I think this is interesting that Jesus who knew more than we would ever know about the resurrection, about life on the other side of the grave, Jesus who had all of the correct theology, Jesus who knew in just a few moments he was going to raise his friend Lazarus from the dead, nevertheless, when Jesus was confronted with death, he wept. Ladies and gentlemen, don't let anyone tell you that to grieve, to weep, to have sadness over the death of a loved one is somehow unspiritual or unchristian. Jesus wept. It was a natural part of the grieving process.

And by the way, that is why Jesus can empathize with the pain you're going through. Let's talk for a moment about grief, and particularly about the stages of grief. Remember a couple of weeks ago I said going through depression is like going through a tunnel.

It's dark. The good news is once you have started in, you're already on the way out. The same thing can be said about grief. Grief is like a tunnel that you must pass through to get to the other side.

And through this tunnel of grief, there are four specific stages that I think, again, all have a biblical basis behind them. When you have lost a loved one, the first stage is that of shock. Shock over the death of the loved one. Sometimes that shock is expressed in an uncontrollable emotion, a wailing, a weeping.

But more often than not, the usual response is a numbness. When that loved one is suddenly no longer there, even if you've been anticipating their death for a long time, there is a numbness, a shock. And by the way, never congratulate somebody who immediately after the loss of a loved one seems to be containing their emotions.

We make a mistake when we say, oh, you're holding up so well. And what we're saying to that person is we're congratulating them on holding in those emotions that very soon they're going to have to express. Anger, guilt, bitterness, grief are all strong emotions that, if pent up, will eventually lead to physical and emotional sickness. The second stage of grief is that of despondency. Someone has written about the laziness of grief. A person who is in this stage of grief will find it hard to perform the simplest tasks. They ask, what does it matter?

What's the use? I think Solomon was experiencing this when he wrote in Ecclesiastes 1-2, the theme of Ecclesiastes, vanity of vanities, all is vanity. Worthless, worthless, everything is worthless. But apathy, like the slowness of grief, is only temporary. After the first anguishing shock of death has subsided a bit, the bereaved will need special attention, love, and support because this period of apathy is so subtle that they do not notice it happening.

They may not be aware of it at all. The stage of despondency is followed by stage three, regression. Actually, it appears that the person who is grieving is getting worse, not better, at this stage. They begin to ask the why questions.

Why did God allow this to happen? Many times they will turn bitter. They will start to blame themselves.

Why didn't we go to get another doctor's report? Or they'll blame other people for not showing the kind of concern they think is warranted in that situation. During this period of time, by the way, the most important thing you can do is not condemn the person. Understand, this is a part of the grief process.

Stage three is followed by stage four, adaptation. At that stage, a person is starting to pass through the grieving process. He begins to accept the death of his loved one.

He has a new perspective on the person whom he has lost, but that feeling is somewhat different. He'll only reach that stage, that adaptation stage, if the others have been gone through successfully. If you're one who is going through that process, remember you can't rush it. It's like breaking your arm and then say to your arm, hurry up and heal.

That's not going to do the trick. It takes time to heal. It takes time for our emotions to heal as well. Remember Psalm 30 verse 5, weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. The Bible says that we as Christ representatives, we operate as priests in the world. Representing God to other people and also representing other people to God. Because we have all been called to minister to those who are hurting, especially those who have lost loved ones, the question might arise, how can I help people who are experiencing grief? How can I minister to them? Let me give you just several suggestions, A, B, C, D. Just some practical tips for dealing with those who are going through the grieving process.

The A stands for act genuine. Act genuine. Don't be pompous. If you are shocked when you hear the news, tell that person you're shocked over the loss of their loved one. If you feel like crying, cry, but don't hold in your emotions. Don't worry about how you should act in front of the grieving person.

The B stands for be quiet. When you're around somebody who's grieving, for some reason Christians especially feel like they have to talk a lot. They feel the need to preach a sermon. They feel the need to quote Bible verses and many times they only make things worse. The truth is you and I don't have the answers of why.

We should never pretend that we do. Many times the best thing we can do is simply say we're sorry and be quiet. The late Joe Bailey lost three of his children over a short period of time. In his book, A View from the Hearse, he shares his honest feelings. I was sitting torn by grief.

Someone came and talked to me of God's dealings of why it happened and hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly. He said things I knew were true. I was unmoved except to wish he would go away.

He finally did. Another person came and sat beside me. He didn't talk. He didn't ask me leading questions. He just sat beside me for an hour and listened. When I said something, he answered briefly, prayed, and then left. I was moved. I was comforted.

I hated to see him go. See, comfort the person by being supportive. Again, it doesn't take words.

People don't need your words. They need you. Chuck Swindoll in his book Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life tells the story of a little girl five years of age who lost her playmate in death. She reported to her parents that she had gone next door to the grieving mother to try to console her. What did you say to her, the parents asked their daughter?

The little girl said, I just crawled up in the mother's lap and I cried with her. Many times that's the best thing we can do is simply to be supportive. By the way, the time people need us most is a couple of weeks after the funeral is over, after the crowds have dissipated. That's when people need us the most. We do something practical. You know, sometimes the best thing you can do for a grieving person is the dishes or mowing the lawn or doing something very, very practical. I remember when my father died and we were busy trying to make the arrangements, my brother, sister, and I, I'll never forget Mary Carolyn LaVorn who is now in heaven. We sent over an envelope to our home and inside the envelope was a gift card to the Island Park cafeteria. It was just such a thoughtful thing.

She knew we didn't have time to prepare meals and worry about that. It was something practical. Do something practical.

By the way, don't ask somebody, is there anything I can do for you? All that does is put pressure on the person to come up with something. Instead, announce what you're going to do.

Just do something practical. Finally, answering the why questions. At some point, especially if you're close to the grieving person, he or she is going to ask you, why would God allow this to happen? Again, we don't have all of the answers.

I think we should only respond to the why question if we're directly asked. I want to give you four insights to share with people that might help answer the why question of why God allows death. First of all, and the most obvious answer is because of sin in the world.

Turn over to Romans chapter 5 verse 12. We live in a fallen world. Death was never a part of God's plan for His creation. We live in a fallen world, and Paul reminds us in Romans 5 verse 12 that the byproduct of sin in the world is death. He says, therefore, just as through one man, sin entered the world and death grew sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned. We have inherited bodies that are flawed, that are prone to sickness and to death. We are surrounded by evil in the world that sometimes leads to death. But that doesn't mean we're victims.

It doesn't mean we're victims of sin and other people. It simply explains why it is that we die. But the good news is there is hope beyond the grave. Secondly, sometimes the reason for death, God allows it, is to focus our hope on heaven. Death has a way of keeping us from putting our hope in this world. God allows death to remind us to fix our hope on heaven. Third, God allows us to experience the loss of loved ones so that we might comfort others who have gone through the same experience. You know, every life is either self-focused or God-focused. And when we understand that we as Christians are here to minister to other people, God has called every one of us into ministry.

It gives us a whole new perspective on the problems that we go through, including the loss of a loved one. Look at what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 1, beginning with verse 3. Blessed be the Lord and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction so that we might be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the same comfort with which we are comforted by God. That word comfort is the word fortis in Greek. We get the word fortify.

You could substitute the word fortify or strengthen. God strengthens us. He fortifies us in our grief, in our depression, in our loss, so that we can strengthen others with the same strength with which we have been strengthened. The only people I think who can truly minister to those who have lost loved ones are those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. And when you go through that process, you're going to receive a unique understanding and ability to minister to those who have gone through the same process.

Fourth, God allows the loss of loved ones to transform our character. Turn over to 1 Peter, chapter 6, verse 7. God is doing one thing in your life right now. God is removing the impurities of your life to make you more like Jesus Christ. He is hammering you. He is shaping you. He is molding you into the image of His Son. And the way He does that and accomplishes that is through the hard things that we go through.

That's what Peter writes about in 1 Peter, verses 6 and 7. In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, knowing that the proof of your faith, which is more precious than gold, which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Grief is one of the many trials God will allow in your life to make you more like Jesus Christ. Have you ever discovered it's not during the easy times that we grow, it's during the difficult times? It's in those difficult times, like grief, that we learn the lessons that God wants to teach us.

Someone has written, I walked a mile with pleasure, she chatted all the way, but not a thing I learned from her through all she had to say. I walked a mile with sorrow, and not a word said she, but oh the things I learned from her when sorrow walked with me. Some of the most important truths you will ever learn about God and His sufficiency in your life will be learned through the process you go through of getting over grief.

Maybe she's been gone for 20 years, or perhaps he's been home with the Lord for just a few. No matter the length of time, grief is God's instrument to make you more like His Son. I know that I'm speaking to someone today who's walking through a painful season of loss.

To help you, I've written a book called Outrageous Joy, Living Above Your Circumstances. In my book, I'll guide you through Paul's four secrets for maintaining joy no matter what comes your way. Nothing enters your life that takes our Heavenly Father by surprise. He's never shocked or dismayed by something that's happened to you.

Instead, He's standing right beside you. As you read my book, you'll discover the biblical secrets to experiencing genuine contentment, even during life's most challenging moments. A copy of Outrageous Joy is my gift to you when you give a generous gift to support the ministry of Pathway to Victory. In addition to my book, I'll be sure to include the Scripture Encouragement Card as well, featuring six of my favorite verses of encouragement from Paul's letter to the Philippians.

You can use it as a bookmark or slip it in your desk at work to remind yourself daily of your inheritance of joy as a child of the King. But this is the very last day we'll be offering these resources, so please get in touch with us right away. In closing, let me say thanks to those of you who give generously to Pathway to Victory, especially our Pathway partners. Every day we receive positive remarks from grateful listeners who rely on this program for daily encouragement, and it's all made possible by your support. Thank you so much for doing your part to pierce the darkness with the light of God's Word.

David? Thanks, Dr. Jeffress. Today, when you give a generous gift to support the ministry of Pathway to Victory, we'll say thanks by sending you a copy of Outrageous Joy. As an added bonus, you'll also receive the Standing on the Promises of God Scripture Card. To request these resources, call 866-999-2965 or visit online at ptv.org.

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Box 223-609, Dallas, Texas, 75222. I'm David J. Mullins wishing you a great weekend. Then join us again Monday for the start of a new series called Jesus Revealed in the End Times. That's right here on Pathway to Victory. Pathway to Victory with Dr. Robert Jeffress comes from the pulpit of the First Baptist Church of Dallas, Texas. You made it to the end of today's podcast from Pathway to Victory, and we're so glad you're here. Pathway to Victory relies on the generosity of loyal listeners like you to make this podcast possible. One of the most impactful ways you can give is by becoming a Pathway partner. Your monthly gift will empower Pathway to Victory to share the gospel of Jesus Christ and help others become rooted more firmly in His Word. To become a Pathway partner, go to ptv.org slash donate or follow the link in our show notes. We hope you've been blessed by today's podcast from Pathway to Victory.