Verbal And Physical Relationships Part 1

Hey, this is Mike Zwick from If Not For God Podcast. Our show, Stories of Hopelessness, Turned into Hope. Your chosen Truth Network Podcast is starting in just seconds. Enjoy it, share it. But most of all, thank you for listening and for choosing the Truth Podcast Network.

And a white guy. Praise the Lord and welcome to Man Talk Radio Podcast. We are in a position, I think, in a situation in our country where there is so much that is going on within the family. And within that family, of course, you know, with the pandemic and people have been inside for a long period of time, that we see that there's things that that's happening, you know, within the family and with couples in particular when it comes to their relationship. And so today we want to talk about anger and physical and verbal abuse that men basically lash out on women. And so this topic is pretty sensitive. And I think it is, is because, you know, it goes to the point where there are so many things happening within that household that the man or woman really can't make a distinct or determination on what's happening.

So they have to get outside help. And so we have a person on the phone, Roy. Well, it's good to be back with you. Good afternoon, folks. It's good to be back on the radio with Will. I haven't been here in quite some time. Jane Lassard is joining us.

Professional counselor, just recently retired. And we've had her on the show before, Will. She's just a absolutely lovely lady, woman of God, truly works miracles and marriages.

God uses her to work miracles and marriages and individuals. So we're excited to have her join us. Jane, are you there? I'm here. Hey there. Can you hear us okay? I can hear y'all great. Great.

Good evening. Thank you so much for joining us, Jane. Jane, I'm not sure if you were able to hear Will's intro, but what we want to talk a little bit about is about men and anger issues and how that translates and transcends into abuse and in relationships and with either the spouse or with children and various elements that kind of occur as a result of that.

And Will's got some questions that he's got lined out. And folks, you don't have to forgive us. We had a little bit of technical difficulty here as we were getting started tonight. And this being my first time back in several months and bear with us. But Jane, thank you so much for joining us. You bet. So Jane, tell us a little bit about you and what you do and how long you've been doing it.

All right. I was a counselor for 42 years. I did primarily marriage counseling. But before that, I was the director of family service, which you might know, we had a domestic violence group there.

We had a woman's shelter. We dealt a lot with abusive relationships. And, you know, Jane, I think that's the thing, because we were talking about in the intro where you have couples who have been just locked up with the pandemic going on and they're discovering things about each other. And of course, some of these things that they discover they may not like or appreciate from their spouse because they haven't seen it before.

But now that they're at home and that relationship has expanded to the point to where they're seeing more of each other. And I think that's with anything. If you're exposed to anything for any length of time, ultimately, it's going to have an effect on you. So my first question to you is from all of your years in counseling, what is it that you saw that leads men in particular to be verbally and or physically abusive? OK, so what caused them to become that way?

Yeah. What's some of the some of the leading factors that led up to that? Usually it can be substance abuse or drug abuse of any type where they kind of lose control and then anger takes over or they grew up in a home where abuse occurred between father and mother or they were abused by a parent. And if they haven't worked through the hurt and the pain of that, then abusers, kids who have been abused become abusive. So those are probably the two most frequent reasons for abuse. Jayne, we talked quite a bit on the show in the past about the impact of pornography on lives. Is that another element that, in fact, I was watching the show today that Dateline had a repeat show of a situation where a guy had actually ended up murdering a lady. But what it rolled back to was he was involved in pornography and then it had to get to a more violent stage. Have you seen that in your career as well to be a leading factor in abusive relationships? Yes. And I put that in with addiction.

Oh, yeah. So addiction, by definition, is a flight from intimacy. And so whether it's alcohol or drugs or porn or you name the addiction, then being exposed can cause anger and abuse or just the detachment that comes about because of the addiction separates a spouse in such a way that they can become abusive. Well, you break the intimacy, right? I mean, the intimacy is broken.

The way God intended for it to be and designed it to be, it's broken because you brought the world into it in a sexual sense and just total perversion that would break that, right? Absolutely, Roy. I mean, you nailed it. So Jane, what about when if you have an individual, for example, you know, he goes to his nine to five every day, you know, and he comes home and, you know, he's he's done this for, you know, just say 10, 15 years or so. And so now, you know, he's at home. What what do you believe that and all of a sudden he just snaps? Now, the wife have never seen this before or the significant other.

They've never seen this before. So all of a sudden he just snaps and he just goes off, you know, on her. What is some of the things that you maybe have seen either from the wife or significant other aspect to why these things may occur? OK, so a large part of why an abuser abuses is because they have a high need for control. If they were abused as a kid, they felt out of control. So they have a high need for control. And in a pandemic where you're feeling very out of control, feeling out of control with work, you can't make the money that you used to make or, you know, all the circumstances that the pandemic has caused a lack of control for all of us.

We've seen anxiety escalate like never before. But that loss of control can trigger that abusive behavior. So when you when in that control factor, you know, is it is it something such as perhaps he may have been in a position at work to where he maybe had a lesser position than, say, a manager or supervisor or something like that. So he's taking orders or instructions from them. And all of a sudden he wants to translate this train of thought now over to the family, because now he wants that control. Have you seen or experienced something like that?

Yeah. That's a great example. And so when they do that, then the family's like, who is this guy? And, you know, makes marriage hard and then it escalates. So and I think that's the thing that we want to get across to our listeners, because, you know, it's a it's a fine line, I think, between trying to pinpoint or really determine exactly what are the triggers behind why a man does what he does to his spouse or significant other. And I think that's just a fine line. You know, I've always as a counselor, I've always had to struggle to determine exactly where in that point of counseling, where is that line where you have to say this person has they need more medical attention, you know, than we can give them here. And so we have to direct them to, you know, further resources.

So, yeah, so that that's the that's the thing. I don't know if determining that fine line, if you struggled with that or anything like that. But but how did that work when you were counseling? OK, usually in my marriage counseling, and that was probably 90 percent of the therapy that I did. If a man, if a woman is complaining, you know, it started out a wonderful relationship and and he adored me and it was like too good to be true. And then slowly he'd throw out jabs or pics or insults. And it usually started slow and then would escalate to the point where, you know, there'd be yelling, there'd be jealousy. When I see a guy that would alienate his spouse from the significant people in his life, those were the the things that I was looking for. And if the abusive person never accepts responsibility, then, you know, that's a tipping point. OK, well, Jane, that's that's half the battle these days, right?

Getting a man to accept responsibility for his role in the marriage and and where he's headed. Folks, Jane, we'll be right back. We've got to take a quick break. TAWCMM would love to have you join their community of men for breakfast every first and third Friday of every month. They have Bible discussions and fellowship after the best breakfast in town. The meeting location is at their gracious host church, First Christian Church in Kernersville, 1130 North Main Street in Kernersville.

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Call 336-885-1987. Welcome back to Man Talk. Jane, thank you so much. We were just getting ready to talk a little bit about the responsibility piece and then we had to take a quick break. But I guess overall in men and women that are listening, we just want to understand that we've always been about men taking their proper role and God assigned role in their families and in the church and just basically what a man's responsibilities are. And back to this piece, we were just talking before break, men taking responsibility. And Jane, you were talking about oftentimes they avoid taking responsibility and they kind of push it back over on the spouse.

Correct, Roy. It's like they flip it so that they think they make it seem like it's the spouse's, you know, problem that caused them to act this way rather than taking responsibility for their actions. And I was saying that's a tipping point for me as a counselor because at that point if a man won't take responsibility, she's got to get out.

And that leads to the next question, Jane. What percentage would you say of all couples that you counseled with this particular problem of either verbal abuse or physical abuse, married couples, was it successful to get the man to, and the woman, I know that there's oftentimes women that are abusive, to get the spouse, the correct spouse, to take responsibility versus those that didn't and you saw the marriages end? Yeah, most abusive spouses have a very difficult time taking responsibility, which is why at the point that I just talked about where he is flipping responsibility back on his spouse, she's got to walk away.

And if he seeks help, then she has a good chance. But if she stays in it, nearly half the women murdered in the past decade were killed by their former partner. Wow. That's a high statistic. That's huge. It's huge.

And when you say former partner, you mean by maybe the one that was living there, their spouse at the time, former being because the spouse has been murdered. Exactly. Wow.

That is unbelievable. And do you think, Jane, it's because I think earlier it's that slow fade, what you were speaking to. It starts out as a mild kind of insulting little jabs and then it moves from there to more aggressive and then verbal attack and then it moves from verbal to physical and then it just continues to ramp up.

It's like there's no stopping point. Correct. If a spouse has ever tried to strangle their mate, that is the strongest indicator that this could end in death.

Wow. If the spouse attempts that, they better get out. That's good counsel. Good counsel.

That is. What is the percentage that you made last percentage, Jane, that you may have been exposed to as to the divorce rate as a result of physical or verbal abuse? Do you know a percent?

I don't know if I have a percent, but I can say this wrongly. If the man is not willing to take responsibility, it will end in death or in separation and divorce. Now, if a woman, she wants to get out, were there like resources that you pointed her to in reference that she could seek help?

There is a domestic violence hotline and it's 1-800-799-7233. And they will walk a woman or man who feels like they're in an abusive relationship through the steps of, you know, whether it's getting a 50D, whether it's getting to a woman's shelter. They'll help you walk through that. So they have a process, if you will, sort of like a standard that they go by that if you are experiencing this, then that's that initial level or one level that you need to keep an eye out. And then if it escalates to another level, then you should start taking certain actions. Correct.

Okay. And they are experts in the field. Now, Greensboro and Winston both have a family service agency. Family service deals with domestic violence. And so that's another alternative to call them. If you are being abused, call 911 and the police will show up. And see, that's again, good counsel because the ladies, you don't have to stay in a situation like this. And I think this, because ultimately if it continues to escalate, it's never going to end well. I think that's the message, you know, that we want to send today, because I know that there's this mental drain and compulsive nature, you know, that men inflict upon women to make them believe that they have to remain maybe for the children's sake or, you know, I rescued you from a certain situation or something like that. So they'll make an attempt to say these things in order to get her to stay. But what you're hearing, listening audience today, what Jane is saying is the hotline, that number again is 1-800-799-7233. And you can call that number and get assistance day or night.

And also family services, she indicated in Winston and Greensboro that you can also seek those services as well. And High Point, yeah. And High Point.

And High Point, yeah. So last year, what's that Jane? Let me just give this statistic real quick. Okay. In 2020, that was almost two years ago, 47,000 women were killed by their partners. Wow. That's a woman killed on an average of every 11 minutes. Wow. 47,000.

47,000. So I'm just thrilled y'all are talking about this and putting it out in the open because it's a real thing. And it's not talked about like it should be.

Right. And you're absolutely right, Jane, because see, a lot of these things are sort of like hidden. And if a woman is experiencing verbal or physical abuse, they'll do things to cover it up sometimes to hide it from their friends or family. So with man talk, we want to talk about the tough issues because a lot of these issues that's out there that's happening, they're real, they're alive. These are things that are happening.

And if people are not aware what they can do to get help or where to go to get help, then they may feel obligated to remain in that situation. You know, I'm reminded of Proverbs chapter 15 in verse one. It says, A soft answer turns away wrath, but a tongue that lashes out will stir up anger. And so when when an individual is angry, that's what they're going to do.

You know, the word of God is right on point. They're going to lash out. They're going to use every means available to get their point across so that they can appear to their spouse that they're right in whatever it is they're saying or doing.

Well, and we'll back to the thing about we always try to bring the issues out. Let's just hit it head on. Man, if you're abusing your wife, you need to stop or your spouse.

Let's just call it what it is. And spouses, if you're listening today and you are one of those victims, call it. It's time to stop. You just need to get out. You need to get out.

If there's physical abuse, there is no turning back until there's a contrite heart and a heart seeking God's forgiveness that's ever going to change. It's you're just you're shooting in the wind to be quite honest. Well, you know that. Jane knows that.

I know that. And let's just call it what it is. Men, get off the coward.

Get off the coward bench. Quit beating on the women and quit physically and verbally abusing them, period. And if you can't do that, seek help.

If you can't do it by yourself, seek help. Variable factors throughout life is what Jane just indicated early on that puts a person in this position. Could have been they were abused as a child. Could have been they had deep wounds as a child.

All these different things. Maybe they were abused as a child. Even worse, had no father in the house and didn't know what it looked like, had a stepfather beating on them. But folks, that's just unacceptable, period. Let's just call it what it is.

It's unacceptable. And, you know, when you have a person who has been through things like this, Roy, a lot of what they're exhibiting, you know, from past experience, I think we have to take it a step further and say, OK, they were put in that situation. And if they didn't get any help during that situation because they were, you know, a young child or something like that, they were put in that situation. I think that understanding have to come out because the latest thing now and I'm sure, Jane, you probably know this as well, is that, you know, when police officers engage the community now, and I know Winston is doing this in a really rapid way, that they are teaching their officers to determine when an individual might be suffering from some type of mental state rather than being on some chemical.

So they don't, you know, draw the weapon and shoot the guy or girl without having some understanding that this person might be going through a mental thing. Right, right. Well, folks, we're getting ready to come up on the end of the show. Jane, we want to thank you so much for joining us. Just hang on after we cut the clip here.

Jane, we'll be right back with you. And we just thank you, folks, for joining the program. Big issue. We need to be very aware of it. And, hey, folks, the other role is look out for your neighbors. Look out for the people in your church that may have a smile or partial smile on the face, but use that emotional intelligence.

Know that something's wrong and don't be afraid to look into it. God bless you, folks. As we wrap up today's show, be assured that TAWCMM, Talking and Walking Christian Men's Ministry, is building a community of men that are Christ followers with the desire to be servant leaders in their homes, communities, churches, and work environments. Check out our website for upcoming events and regularly scheduled meetings. Drop us a note for topics that you would like to have us visit in the future. Thank you for joining us on Man Talk today. Visit us at www.tawcmm.com.