Love and Marriage And God

Welcome to Man Talk brought to you by TAWCMN, talking and walking Christian men's ministry where they're devoted to breaking down the walls of race and denomination and challenging men to take their God-assigned role.

Here's our hosts Will Hardy and Roy Jones Jr., a black guy and a white man. Welcome to Man Talk and radio. And today we're going to talk about how men can overcome marriage difficulty. And men, if you're married out there, if you're thinking about getting married or if you have been married, surely you have had difficulty in your relationship. And I think we can all attest to that, Roy. Well, if you had any relationship for any length of time, you can attest to that. And if you've been through a marriage and experienced difficulty in that marriage and left the marriage, then hopefully we'll be able to give you a little bit of insight tonight of how to get through that next time if it happens. But if you're in a current marriage that you're having difficulty with, Will, you're exactly right.

We've all been through some level of storm and I'm sure the ladies would say some major storms if they were to chime in right about now. We hear them in the back saying, amen to that. Amen to that. But see, it starts off when one of the major points, I guess, when it comes to that relationship that husband and wife have. One of the first things that they have difficulty doing, Roy, is talking about whatever it is that have caused them to be divided.

And see, somewhere in there, in order for you to be divided, chances are you've taken your eyes off of the Lord and sin now has entered in to cause you to not think clearly or to not be able to talk to each other in a way to bring the matter to the forefront. That very well could be one of the problems, Will. Another thing that comes to mind is maybe an initial reaction early in the marriage when someone has brought something to the table, so to speak, of concern that bothers that individual and then the other one responds incorrectly. Maybe just in a defensive posture rather than sitting and listening and talking through it, so it may have shut the other person down, so they may just decide that they don't want to bring it up anymore, so therefore they're not talking about it and it's just building up on the inside. And see, if you don't talk, then you never know where the problem initiated, you know, so communication again about whatever it is and whoever brings it forward really, it doesn't matter.

I mean, because if there's an issue, there's an issue. Now, the point is, is if you have identified that there is an issue, how do I begin to reconcile the issue that I have either with, you know, the husband with the wife or the wife with the husband? So first thing you have to do is you have to have faith in God that God is able to reconcile you back unto him. Second piece of that would be have the faith first. Second would be have the conversation with God about what you're about to explore with your partner and about to talk to your partner about.

That's right, because again, if they don't know, you know, what is bothering them or how the marriage is affected because of something one or the other one don't, you'd never know about it. So having faith is in God is one of the elements that you need in order to move the marriage forward. In Philippians 4, 13, it says, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

So if that's a promise that God gave, then surely God will fulfill it, but you have to believe in God that he is able to work out whatever it is you have promised him. Yeah, and he'll be able to speak for you, through you, to your other partner, to your spouse. You know, because that spouse, they may be at a point to say, well, you know, it's not me, it's more you than me. You know, I can't, I just simply can't go on doing whatever it is that you're doing and it's causing me to respond this way. See, I've heard that a lot in counseling, but see, it is, it's left up to you. Well, many people tell you, you're pointing at one person or pointing at the other person, there's always three pointing back at you.

So there's a lot of truth in that. I think self-reflection is a key part of the start of this conversation is what is my role in this confrontation or what is my role in this unhappiness or unsettledness or what is my role in this lack of communication? Because self-examination first will then put you aware of your own role in this, right? And then when you sit down to talk to the other person, you at least can acknowledge it right out of the gates. Hey, look, this is some of the things I've noticed about myself that as it relates to our communication, the things we're doing that I need to improve upon. And let me share with you what's on my heart about how I would love for us to get better at how we talk to each other, how we get along, how we function day to day.

Those are some of the lead-ins, right? Yeah, because see, just because one of the partners don't want to submit to God, it still doesn't relieve you of the responsibility of not submitting to God. So if one is not submitting, then you submit to God and say, God, bring my spouse to a point to recognize that I want to be that man to lead this family and to do those things that you have called me to do as the head of my household.

Excellent. I mean, that's an excellent point and way to start it. The other piece of that is that even those that are both focusing on God, it still becomes a personality conflict at times. We both love the Lord, we're both trying to live for Him, but you let your guard down when you're spending every night with your spouse and you wake up with your spouse.

You're totally transparent. So then you get a little bit less guarded as time passes, right? You get a little bit less sensitive to the other person's needs unless you stay focused on the other person, right? And that's another thing that causes some opportunities in marriages. And we're going to hopefully open up this, we're going to peel the onion back a whole lot further here in just a little bit. But then as men, that leads into other problems.

Let's just speak candidly. If I've got to break down a communication with my wife, then hence my intimate time with my wife now becomes very limited, if at all, because she's emotionally attracted to me. And if I'm creating a barrier there or something she's doing is creating a barrier for me, then that naturally breaks down another major component of the marriage, which then leads into other problems.

Exactly. So when we say have faith, we say have faith in God, number one, that God will give you the right words to approach your spouse with so that you and her can be at least at a point of initially engaging each other into communication. And again, you want to pray for God's strength because again, Philippians 4, 6 and 7, be anxious for nothing but by prayer and supplication, make your request known unto God. So see, that's a command for us to say, God, we have a problem. We have some communication issues. Pray that you reveal to me what to say to her or her to say to what she needs to say to me.

Right. And we just want to make sure we're speaking both sides, as you mentioned earlier, Wills. It's not just the men that are listening today. We know there are some ladies that listen as well.

So these rules apply to you as well. These are scripture references for both sides of the coin. So please take heart to this, you know, to have faith to begin with, second, go to the Lord in prayer and supplication, and he will give you what you're asking for. And he may bring the solution in a different way than you may think it's coming, but he will answer your prayers to bring you back together. Absolutely, because he tells us again in 1 John 5, verses 14, be confident that if you ask anything according to his will, that he will hear us.

So the key is according to his will. So if we're coming in our self, then God is not listening because we have to come according to his will. And see, every difficulty that we have in our relationships, husband and wife relationship, everyone that you have, there's an answer in the Word of God. So that's where we need to go to get answers instead of going, talking to Susie and John and Barry and all the other individuals, you know, getting insight. We need to start in the Word of God because what will happen is, see, we go to these other outside sources, and then all of a sudden they start putting things in our ear, and then all of a sudden those things take precedent over the Word of God. Well, and who's the author of confusion? Satan is the author of confusion. Exactly. So if you're going to the wrong place for that knowledge or that wisdom or that counsel, i.e. to your neighbors, to your friends at work, to your friends in church, then you're setting yourself up for disaster.

It's just going to happen. The other piece of that too, Will, is one of the things that we need to talk about as we go through the show today is that we want to talk about the role of the tongue in this and how you speak to each other, even before you get to this kind of conversation. Because it goes back to as we started the show, if you respond in a way that draws a negative reaction from your spouse, then you may shut them down in that moment. Or if you do it enough, then eventually they're going to shut down. They're going to quit talking.

They're not going to want to approach at least any areas of confrontation because they don't want to have to deal with the results or the consequences of that. Exactly. And see, the tongue plays a major role because the Word of God tells us with the tongue, we bless God, we praise His name, and then we turn around and we curse men. So, yes, the tongue is an evil, is what it is, when it's not controlled by the Spirit of God leading and directing you. So I used to always say the Ute Principle, if it doesn't edify, uplift, or positively reinforce, don't say it.

And then there's a scripture that we were talking about before the show started, Ephesians 4.29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up. If we all played by those rules, do not say anything, no matter how hard it is that other than something's going to build someone up. Just don't say it.

Do not say it. Now, hey, there comes a time when we have to approach confrontational issues. We need to take on conflict management at times just for the sheer nature of relationships. But generally speaking, if we don't speak unwholesome things, how much better would a relationship with a spouse be? So incorporate that into how you're dealing with your spouse, folks. We're getting ready to take a break here in just a moment, but think about that very thing. Are any of my words unwholesome towards my spouse?

If they are, you need to stop it and ask for forgiveness from them and also from God. Amen. We'll be right back.

Remember, affordable chiropractic on West Lexington Avenue in High Point Hall, three, three, six, eight, eight, five, one, nine, eight, seven. Welcome back to ManTalk Radio and we're right before the break, we had given and talked about two things that a couple who was going through issues should do in order to approach problems that they may be experiencing in a meaningful and godly way. First one we said was have faith. Second we said was pray for the strength of God. And then thirdly, they should have a respect for what the word of God says, because what will happen is if they start giving opinions about each other in reference to the things that that's affecting them. Then all of a sudden they start getting away from the word of God. So if the word of God is chastening you, then let it chasten you because God loves us. Hebrews 12 and six said God loves those whom he chastens and he scourges every son he receives. So if you and I are going through something with the spouse and when the word of God come forth, we need to receive it as it is and not question it.

Because if we start doing that, then like we said early in the first half of the show, we'll start looking for outside opinions. So what about the person who's listening to the broadcast today and they're not really grounded in the word, but they love the Lord, but they're just not grounded in the word and they're not spending time in the word. And that could be the husband or the wife. What advice would you give them? Well, I would say, first of all, if if they are young in Christ, then they should look to a source. And what I mean a source is look to a pastor, look to someone who is biblically grounded in the truth and let that individual minister to them from the word of God. Because if you go to a pastor, that pastor should, number one, be impartial.

So they should give you the word of God, not taking one side or another. Let the word of God speak and then coach that man and that woman back to a point of receptivity when it comes to the authority of the word and what you're going to do with that word going forward. Let's talk about some of the damage that occurs, Will, when we have this breakdown of communication.

You know, I think first comes the silent treatment. Second comes the the like we talked about earlier, the lack of intimacy in the in the relationship potentially is a negative impact. And then the third thing, which is probably most important, is the collateral damage to the children. So we're on this program about building men and families and getting men to take the lead role as God assigned them in terms of their spiritual development.

So what's important to listen to here is that you may think it's just between you and your your spouse, man or woman, whoever's listening. But the collateral damage is the people around you because they're seeing it. And worse yet is the modeling that you're doing for these children as they're getting prepared for their life. They're seeing what, quote unquote, some normal behavior in their family. And we know it's not normal, but they only know it is normal. So when they grow up to be adults, this continuum moves on.

It's never broken until some the Holy Spirit of God moves into one lives and breaks the legacy. So that's, you know, folks were so focused on the moment and in the immediate gratification piece, we sometimes fail to realize that what we're doing today is going to affect not just our own future self, but it's going to affect the future self of our families and our children. That's right, because, you know, everybody has feelings and and when when things are said to each other from the husband or the wife, and their feelings are hurt in reference to what that one said concerning them, that's damage. And I can recall in our neighborhood that there used to be a husband and wife and they had five children who lived across the street. And we could look literally look out our window and they would be basically fighting starting inside the house. Then they would come outside the house and then the children would get in the middle trying to break them up. And, you know, it would it would just we would look at this and and we would say, you know, what kind of mindset will that rest with the children when they get to be their age? Will they respond the same way or, you know, will someone come and speak to them in reference to that this is an unhealthy situation? Well, in today's time, most people don't want to get involved with anything. That's why some of the state of our country is the way it is. We've talked about that before.

People standing on the sidelines. So you're right. When people see that, they're not quite sure how to handle it. But back to the comment earlier, folks, if you're listening and you're in this situation, just encourage you to get some help with a third party, as Pastor Will had shared earlier, with a pastor or even a professional Christian counselor to sit down and talk you through this, because sometimes you get such a wall built up that you can't pull it down. And, you know, you need that third party, unbiased viewpoint like Pastor Will shared earlier. And I think that's important.

And it's OK. There's not a stigmatism to go sit down and talk to a counselor that's actually very healthy. And I think if most people were honest, they would say after going, they felt much better.

May have taken a couple of sessions, but they felt much better and much more at ease. And the good part about a third party is they can put it on a level playing field. They can take all the emotion, at least give permission for the emotion to surface and then manage that process a whole lot easier than you and I are sitting down with our spouses could do. Exactly. The word of God tells us in Psalms chapter one in verse two, Righteous man delights in God's law and meditate on it day and night. See, that's part of letting the word of God show us the solution for our problem, because there is no problem that we have that the word of God does not have an answer for. Right. You know, so when we when we talk about studying the Bible and letting the Bible show us the solution to our problem, that's part of respecting the authority of the word of God.

Excellent, Will. And that piece about going to the word of God and meditating on his law is so simple in today's time with the way the Bible's been developed and enhanced in terms of all the cross references and stuff. There should be no reason that you can't find a word that speaks into whatever situation you're in the middle of. And so it goes back to getting in the word and studying the law is basically studying the word, because for those of you that don't read the Bible that might be listening today, it's not a whole book of laws. It's a book of direction and love to us as children of God.

There are laws in there. There are commandments we're supposed to obey and things we're supposed to do properly, but it's a love letter to us. So if you're in the middle of a love struggle, what better place to go than to the love letter from the Father Almighty?

That's right. But that husband, that wife must understand, you must understand that what you're going through, someone else has been through that, are going through it, or will go through it. And all of us have been there. The word of God again says in Matthew chapter 7 verses 24 through 27, and I'm just reading part of that now, that a wise man does not only hear what the word of God says, but he does it.

Well, we've talked about it quite often outside of the shows. We need to be doers of the word. And Scripture tells us that. And that echoes that as well.

So being willing to obey the Scripture is, again, part of this respecting the biblical authority and understanding that the word of God should be the final say in whatever solution you have in reference to the problem you're going through. But Will, you just don't know what I've been going through with my wife. And that's I'm sure what people are saying. Or the wife's saying, but Will, you just don't know what I've been going through with my husband. And you're right.

We don't know. But we have a pretty good idea after being married as long as we both have. And that one thing we've talked about before, the experience, helps you to understand through all those times of pain and struggle what other people are going through. It may not be the exact same topic, but we have a little bit of an idea of what it means to struggle.

Absolutely. So we're not saying this just to be saying it. You know, some of these things we have experienced ourselves. And I truly have shared with many couples and many hours of counseling sessions.

So I have seen a variety of individuals of different nationalities, different denominations, even individuals who were different in reference to religion. So I've seen what a lot of things that they have gone through. And one thing that is that seems to come up pretty often when I sit with couples who are going through things is the man or the woman might say something like this. I wish I would have never married you. Or I just don't trust you anymore.

Or you have something hidden that you're not telling me. See, all of these things, you know, I've heard in these sessions and what it goes back to, it goes back to what you and I are willing to do. Are we really willing to obey God? Are we really willing to accept his answer as final?

No. Thank you, Will, for taking us out with that. I think it's important as we close the show. Part two will be next week, folks.

So tune back in. We're going to continue this conversation. Just make sure you don't say something you wish you'd never said. Because you can never take it back. You can ask for forgiveness, but you can never take it back. And hey, if you're listening today, we want to close the show by reminding you if you're not saved and haven't been born again, accept the Lord in your heart. Just acknowledge being a sinner. Ask him to come into your heart and take over your life and turn, start living for him and get yourself in a great body of fellowship. I'm Roy Jones.

And I'm Will Hardy. And we thank you for listening to Man Talk Radio. As we wrap up today's show, be assured that TAWCMM, Talking and Walking Christian Men's Ministry, is building a community of men that are Christ followers with the desire to be servant leaders in their homes, communities, churches and work environments. Check out our website for upcoming events and regularly scheduled meetings. Drop us a note for topics that you would like to have us visit in the future. Thank you for joining us on Man Talk today. Visit us at www.tawcmm.com. Men walking the talk.