Communication In Marriage

Known for his unique ability to simplify profound truth so that it can be applied to everyday life, Adrian Rogers was one of the most effective preachers, respected Bible teachers, and Christian leaders of our time. Thanks for joining us for this message.

Here's Adrian Rogers. In 1 Peter chapter 3, I want to share with you a passage of scripture beginning in verse 10, for he that will love life and see good days. Let him refrain his tongue from evil and his lips that they speak no guile.

Let him eschew, that means hate evil, and do good. Let him seek peace and ensue it, that means to chase after it. I want to talk to you today about communication in marriage. So, I thought I'd speak on the home and without specificity, speak both to husband and wife, because the best thing that a husband can do is to love his wife, that is, as a dad, to love his wife. And the best thing that the husbands and wives can do is to communicate together and to show the love of Jesus Christ in the home. 1 Peter chapter 3 is written to husbands and wives, and it has much to say about communication. Now, friend, I want to tell you, marriage is a maid in heaven.

But survival takes place on earth. And we have to, we have to work at our marriages. There are no easy marriages. We have to pay the price.

But I can tell you beyond the shadow of any doubt of prayer adventure, it is worth the price. Now, I want us to think of communication as a highway. A highway, a road to romance, or a road to ruin. But communication is a highway.

I want to give you three points this morning. I want you to think, first of all, of communication as a one-way road to married happiness. Again, I've already read to you 1 Peter chapter 3, verses 10 through 11. He that will love life, do you, and will see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil and his lips that they speak, no guile. Now, what he's talking about here is communication. Let him eschew evil and do good.

Let him seek peace and ensue it. You see, communication is like a highway and words are like vehicles. Words transport thoughts. Words carry feelings.

And so, this communication is a way to joy and happiness and victory are ruined in our marriage. Now, the deepest craving that I have and you have and any individual has, if you will analyze it, is intimacy with God and with at least one other person. Someone who will know us and love us. Someone who will understand our deepest thoughts.

Someone that we can truly say, truly say that we are one with. Now, let's talk about communication. There are five levels of communication. First of all, there's what I want to call a frivolous level. That is, you hear people talking and they just, they talk about sports, they talk about weather.

You see them on the street, how you doing? Fine. Hot day, yes it is, whatever. And you just, that's just frivolity.

Nothing wrong with that but we do that so often. You know, if you listen, a lot of people are overheard saying nothing. Now, that's the frivolous level. Now, we go a little deeper and we come to what I would call the factual level.

We talk about facts and what happened and what the government is doing or what the price of gasoline is but we just kind of report those facts like the newscaster giving the evening news. Then the next is the fellowship level. You know, we get beyond the frivolous and the factual. We get to the fellowship level and the fellowship level, we begin to talk about ideas. We begin to talk about judgments and so forth and when you do that, you risk a little bit because your ideas may be controverted and somebody may not agree with your judgments and you may tend to withdraw then and drop out because you're kind of fragile but then you move to another level and that is the feeling level. Now, not only do you talk about facts and judgments but you open up, you share your heart, you let other people know how you feel, your joys and your sorrows and that's about as far as most of us really get and that is the feeling level. But there's one more level and that's what I want husbands and wives to aim for and I truly honestly believe and I give this testament to the glory of God. It is the level that Joyce and I have attained to and it has taken years to do that but it is the freedom level. The freedom level where you're completely free. You can open your heart, you can tell your dreams, your fears, your ideas, your joys, your failures and you're not afraid of rejection. You see, the reason we don't want to get to this level is we're afraid if people really, really knew us, I mean really knew us, they wouldn't respect us and so we kind of wear camouflage but we have a mask and we never really feel that we can totally, completely open up to someone else. Well, communication in marriage is that last level, the freedom level. Now, if you don't have that freedom level in your marriage, if you're not able to share with complete honesty, total honesty, you're going to find yourself drifting apart. I'm talking about a couple that got a waterbed and had to get rid of it because they were drifting apart.

It's going to happen. Now, Jesus in chapter 2 is the model. Jesus not only is the great redeemer, He's the great communicator and He is the model and if you would go back to chapter 2 and look in verse 22, it speaks of Jesus and it says, He did no sin, neither was guile found in His mouth and it talks about the Lord Jesus Christ and His communication, how pure His speech was and then He goes on in chapter 3 to talk to husbands and wives. Chapter 3 verse 1 says, likewise ye wives. Chapter 3 verse 7 says, likewise you husbands. Now, notice in chapter 2, it talks about Jesus and His example with His speech and then it just simply says, now wives, you do the same.

Husbands, you do the same. Now, the Lord Jesus had much to say about communication. Jesus said, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

In the country they say, what's down in the well comes up in the bucket. If you want to know what's in your heart or anybody's heart, listen to their words. The harsh words, they've got an angry heart. If they're negative words, they have a negative heart. If they're overactive words, they have a restless heart. If they're boastful words, they have an insecure heart. Filthy words, we hear so much of that, an impure heart, critical words, a bitter heart, encouraging words, a happy heart, gentle words, a loving heart, truthful words, an honest heart. Jesus, our example in communication said, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks, not only from what Jesus said, but think about what the wisest man who ever lived said. What was his name?

Anybody know? Solomon. I'm talking about someone other than the Lord Jesus Christ. Solomon said in Proverbs 10 verse 19, in the multitude of words there wanteth not sin, but he that refraineth his lips is wise.

You know, many things open by mistake, but none as frequently as the mouth. Solomon also said, a soft answer turneth away wry, but grievous words stir up anger. The apostle James had a lot to say about words also. And you might want to turn this time, if you would, to James chapter three.

Just put your bookmark, keep it there in 1 Peter chapter three, and just fast forward over to James chapter three. And I want you to see what James had to say about words. What James had to say about the tongue. For example, James says that it is the tongue that gives direction. Your tongue will direct your marriage. Listen to this verse, James chapter three verse two.

For in many things we offend all, any man offend not in word, the same as a perfect man, enable also to bridle the whole body. Behold, we put bits in the horse's mouth that obey us, and we turn about the whole body. And behold, also the ships, which though they be great and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm. Boys and girls, that means a rudder.

Whithersoever the governor listed. Now, notice what he's saying here. You can take a 2,000 pound stallion and put a little 110 pound girl on top of that stallion. And because that stallion has a bit in its mouth, she can direct where that horse will go. Or you take a mighty ship driven with fierce winds through rough waves, and the captain of that ship with the helm, that is the rudder, can steer that ship. Now, what James is saying is this. Just as the horse is controlled by the bit, just as the ship is controlled by the rudder, your words are going to give direction to your home.

Now, if you don't like the way your marriage is headed, I want to tell you, you better watch your words. Your words can bring your ship into a safe harbor, or it can put it upon the rocks. Now, not only does James say the tongue brings direction, but he also says the tongue may bring destruction. Look in verse 6, and the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. So is the tongue among our members that it defileth the whole body and seteth on fire the course of nature, and it is set on fire of hell. Now, if you have a torch tongue, you can burn down your marriage.

You know, fire is a wonderful servant, but it's a poor master. And words can warm a heart or burn down a home. The tongue, James says, listen, brings direction. The tongue may bring destruction. The tongue may bring defilement. Look, if you will, in verses 7 and 8. For every kind of beast, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind, but the tongue can no man tame. It is an unruly evil full of deadly poison. You can poison, poison your marriage with your tongue.

Now, notice what Jesus has said, what Solomon has said, what James has said. Do you want to poison your marriage? When I was studying this, I thought of something that I've always thought was very humorous. Sir Winston Churchill and Lady Astor were not married, but they were friends, but they would often bicker with one another. One day, Lady Astor got so exasperated with Winston Churchill, she said, if I were your wife, I would put arsenic in your tea.

He said, madam, if you were my wife, I would gladly drink it. Now, a lot of marriages are that way, and they are defiled. Now, don't put your marriage on the rocks. Don't burn down your home.

Don't poison your love. What I'm trying to say is this, that communication is a road, and words travel that road. Now, let's move to the second thing. The road, the communication road, has some roadblocks and some potholes. Now, I want to mention these, and I want you to make a little list, but I want you to see how many of these things are true in your marriage and in your life.

How many of these potholes are there? How many of these barriers and blockades are on the communication road in your marriage? Now, number one, and this is one that all of us have to deal with, and that is the difference between the sexes. Now, one of the great reasons that we have difficulty communicating in husband and wife is because we're male and female. Notice in 1 Peter chapter 3, verse 1, likewise you wives, and then in chapter 3, verse 7, you guys, your husbands.

There's male and female. God made us male and female, and you're going to understand that God made us different, that He might make us one. Men and women and boys and girls are wired differently. Now, you may not realize that before you get married, but your prize package will become a surprise package.

Once you get married, you're going to find out there is an intrinsic difference. I asked Joyce when I was preparing a message on communication, I said, Joyce, what is the biggest communication problem in marriage? She never batted an eyelash. She never hesitated. She gave one word. She said, men. Men, and you know, she's probably right. Now, men and women are wired differently.

Now, Gary Smalley, we love Gary Smalley. Gary Smalley reports that medical research has shown that something happens in the brain of little boys and girls. There is a chemical bath that sweeps over his brain made up of certain male hormones and so forth. Now, his brain is divided into two halves of hemispheres, left and right, two sides of the brain, and there is a fibrous tissue between these two and a corpus callosum, and it is a connectivity or connection between the two halves of the brain.

But when this chemical bath comes to the little boy, it tends to shrink the corpus callosum and to cause the right side of his brain to recede slightly. That is, the left brain in the little boy, therefore, becomes the dominant brain. Now, that is the left side of the brain. It's the side of the brain that deals with logic.

It's the side of the brain that deals with the analytical, the factual, and also the aggressive. That's the reason men love to argue. That's the reason that men want to think sequentially, not as girls do spider web thinking. They want to think, they want to think sequentially. That's what makes a man on vacation want to conquer 500 miles a day.

That's the reason they don't want to stop at the rest stop. And if he's eating in the restaurant, he's looking up and seeing all those other cars passing, getting ahead of him. That's just the way he is. I mean, he is goal-oriented. He's looking for his entertainment. What does he want to watch? He doesn't want to watch romance. He wants to watch football. He doesn't want to see a hospital program where people are made well. He wants to see a football game where they get hurt.

Why is this? God wired him that way. What was Adam's job? To dress the garden and to keep it. To dress the garden, that's provision.

That's protection. God made Adam where he would work hard. God made Adam with muscles and an exterior and a hard shell because he had to protect the home. And that's just the way God made the man. Men and women are different.

And lady, your husband would have to have a brain transplant to be like you. We just see things differently. The boy and girl were sitting on the front porch, on the old swing there on the front porch. There was a beautiful yellow moon in the sky. The fleecy clouds were scuttling by. Off in the valley was the little church with the yellow lights streaming out of the windows. The doors were open. Brother Jim, they were having choir practice. And the strains of that music were wafting their way through the valley up to where the boy and girl were sitting there on the swing.

It was a beautiful night. And on the porch, the crickets were chirping. And she was listening to the choir. He was listening to the crickets. But neither knew what the other was really listening to. She said, is that not beautiful?

He said, it really is. They tell me they make that noise by rubbing their hind legs together. That's the difference between the male and the female. Now, little girls are more global. Little girls have the ability to access both hemispheres at the same time. Now, the right hemisphere is the one that is poetic. It is emotional.

It is sympathetic. So, it's not to say little girls are not logical. But little girls think emotionally and logically at the same time. And therefore, the little girls also are more verbal than men. Did you know that they put cameras on little children in the hospital? I mean newborns. And the little girls are moving their lips more than the little boys.

Not an exaggeration. They, little girls are just different. They are more verbal.

Gary Smalley has reported that at the Harvard preschool program, they did an experiment. They wired the playground and listened to the noises that these little children were making. Most of the noises that the little girls were making were words. They were talking to one another. And this won't surprise you, they were often talking to themselves. But they were talking, just talking, talking. Little boys had a great majority of their sounds.

They were not words at all. Just noises. Zoom. Yeah.

Ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. They're just making noises. They're not just little boys for you. You see, women, women love to communicate. Lady, you ought not to be surprised when your husband just grunts. Speech pathologists tell us that nine out of ten problems in speech pathological ways are with boys, not with girls. How many girls do you know that stutter?

Almost always, not always, but almost always, it is the boy that stutters. And so, we just began with a kind of a handicap, and that is the difference between male and female when we communicate. But now here's the second difference. And you can check the first one off because we all have that one, okay?

I ask you to keep score, give yourself a negative one. All right, now, there's another difference, and that is the temperamental difference. Verse 7 says that husbands are to dwell with their wives according to knowledge. And you need to understand that your wife has a different background, a different temperament than you have. And we all have different temperaments that is a part of our upbringing, a part of the things that we've learned, a part of our nature, and we're opposites, and opposites attract. There's a reason that you and your wife most likely got together with, sure, there were likenesses, but it's the opposites that attract. I was attracted to Joyce because she was always neat and clean.

She's always on time, always had her homework done. None of those things are true about me. But I saw a girl that had it all together. We have differences. Our families, our backgrounds are different. But I want to tell you, incompatibility is grounds for a great marriage.

God makes us different that He might make us one. But we do have temperamental differences. I tell you, I married a beautiful cheerleader. She married a dumb football player. She's married to a complicated woman.

And she's married to the pastor emeritus of a huge church. We're different. There's another thing that is a communication barrier in a pothole, and that is fear and insecurity. Remember when I talked to you about the different levels of communication?

Well, friend, listen, the reason that sometimes we don't communicate is we are afraid to open our hearts up. Let's say, finally, be of one mind, having compassion, one of another. Now, we hold back. And the reason we hold back is that we want the other person to think that we're really better than we are. And we're afraid if that other person really found out what we are like, who we really are, that they might not love and accept us. And after all, this is all I have, is what I have.

And so, I just have to wear that camouflage. By the way, sirs, this is why so many men find it hard to pray with their wives. A lot of men who pray still find it difficult to pray with their wives.

Why? Because if it is an honest prayer, you have to be transparent. And to be transparent with God, you have to be transparent with the person who's listening to you and praying with you. Men don't mind getting the roof off. They just don't like to get the walls down.

Because again, God made man with that hard exterior. And man is, by nature, not as trusting as a woman. You know, women are so trusting. We were in the airport a while back and the announcement came over, watch all unattended bags, da-da-da-da-da. And I was reading, Joyce came with me and she said, Adrian, what should I do? And I said, what? She said, the nicest young man left this bag here and asked me if I would watch it. I said, what? She said, he'd been gone a long time. What do you think ought to do? I didn't really tell her what I thought she ought to do. I said, Joyce.

She said, but he was so nice looking. Women are more trusting. Men don't like to trust. They're not as trusting. Women can be taken in by con artists, but that's not because they're not trusting.

It's just because they're not too smart. But what I'm trying to say is this, the fear and insecurity keep us from communication. That may be with you. Number four, self-centeredness.

Look in 1 Peter 3, verse 8. Finally be ye of one mind. Because if you're self-centered, ego is going to cause a lack of communication. We by nature want to be king or queen in our own little lives and so we're so full of ego. That's the reason why we have so many arguments. Most of the arguments in the home where you go against ego, we're not trying to solve a problem.

We're trying to win an argument. The problem is too big to solve if you attack the problem rather than one another. Another, number five is unresolved hurts. Notice again in verse 8, love is brethren, be pitiful, be courteous. If you've hurt your wife or she's hurt you and you don't resolve that, that hurt turns to bitterness.

If you examine, you'll see that your partner has a closed spirit and they may be living day after day after day, but there's no open communication because there's been a hurt there. You let the sun go down upon your wrath. I was reading of a giant pine tree in Colorado. This pine tree was only half grown when the pilgrims landed on the shore of America. It was a pine tree that had endured snows and summer heat and avalanches and earthquakes. It had been struck 14 times by lightning as they examined it. This tree that looked almost indestructible was finally killed, you know what it was killed by?

A little beetle, a little beetle that you could put your thumb and your finger and pulverize that beetle. That beetle in marriage is an unresolved hurt. Then number six, the distractions of life. We stay so busy that we fail to work at our marriage.

Verse 11 says that we're to seek peace and we're to ensue it. Don't let anything distract you from having a home, a happy home, communication, you have to work at it. Number seven, an overcrowded schedule. I mean, we're so busy today and most homes now, both spouses work, we're going here and there and sometimes the church contributes to it. We've got to get here to soccer practice, we've got to get down to choir practice, we have the youth tour, we have this thing and that thing, the men's meeting. We're just so busy that we don't have time to communicate.

We get wrapped up in hobbies and jobs. My favorite story is about a man whose wife sent him away to work that day and said, now honey, don't forget, when you come back, don't come back to this place, we have moved. He said, we're going to move today, the mover's coming. He said, listen, do you think I'm stupid?

You don't have to tell me that. We're moving. But that afternoon, out of rote habit, he went right back to the same place and there he saw some paper in the yard, the doors open, the house vacant. Oh, he said, oh no, oh no.

She was right. I forgot and now I don't know where we've moved it. So, I saw a little boy there on a bicycle and he said, son, do you know the folks used to live in this house? He said, yes, sir. He said, they've moved, haven't they? He said, yes, sir. He said, son, do you know where they have moved to?

He said, oh, daddy, mama said you would forget. It's too busy, too busy, an overcrowded schedule. Now, do any of these fit you? I pray that you would be wise enough to look at these things. Now, I've got to bring this to a conclusion, but let's talk a little bit about some road repair.

It's time to do some road repair. Husbands and wives learn to be more sensitive. Look in verse eight, finally be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another. Love us, brethren, be pitiful, be courteous. Try to understand your mate. Is it really your wife that you're upset with when you're standing at work? Is she acting toward you in the afternoon because of the way you acted toward her in the morning?

You know, understand the deepest needs of an individual. A little paperboy sometimes is smarter than a man or a woman. A little paperboy gets a new house on this route, he doesn't know, and that dog comes out yapping, snarling. If the little boy is smart, he doesn't throw a rock at that dog.

What he does is very gently gets off his bike and says, come here, boy, come here. The dog doesn't know whether to come or not. Finally, the little boy moves up and gets close enough to the dog, begins to rub him a little bit and scratch him behind the ear. The dog begins to wag his tail, and after a while, when the boy comes, the dog runs out to greet him. Now, why was that dog barking and snapping and growling? Because he's afraid. Why did the dog really want affection? You see, we need to understand the partner that we're married to.

We need to be sensitive. Number two, deal with self-centeredness. Ask God to forgive you for your ego.

What most marriages need is two funerals and a wedding where people die to self. Number three, resolve hurts. If there's something you have done wrong, ask forgiveness.

Confess it and ask to be received back. Resolve hurts. Next, create a spirit of oneness. Find things that you can do together. That's one of the reasons Joyce and I enjoy leading trips to the Holy Land and other places. These are things that we can do together.

We have this commonality. Number five, keep dating. Look again in verse 10.

For he that will love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and it's lips that they speak no guile, but seek peace. I mean, be active, be proactive about your marriage. Never let anybody tell you to act your age. Go back and act like you did when you were teenagers.

Plan some regular dates out of the house. Treat your wife like you're courting her. I tell men, young preachers, never flirt with another woman. Never cease to flirt with your own wife. Number six, learn to laugh. Verse 10 speaks of loving life and seeing good days.

A merry heart does good like a medicine. Your home ought to ring with laughter, not be burned out with dry rot. Let your guard down. Lighten up.

See, life is full of humor. Rather than working at your marriage, maybe you ought to play at your marriage, and don't feel guilty about having a good time. And number seven, pray together. Pray together. Listen to verse seven. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, as being heirs together of the grace of life. Pray together.

Let your prayers be not hindered. One of the great joys of my life, and I had to learn how to do this, is to pray with Joyce, because I told you, by nature, I don't want to pray with a woman. Nothing personal to Joyce. I'm just a private person.

I don't like to get out of my shell. But Joyce and I through the years have developed the habit of praying together. And I'll tell you how blessed I am to hear Joyce pray for me, to lift me to the Lord.

And I pray for her, and I bless her. I want to challenge you. I want to challenge you in the name of Jesus to say, I will work at communication. I'll do some road work. I'll fill up some potholes.

I'll get some boulders out of the way. Marriage with God. Marriage, anointed by the Holy Spirit, is the sweetest thing on earth, the nearest and dearest and closest thing to heaven. It's really the only part of Garden of Eden that we have left. I want to encourage you to do your marriage.

Determine that you will communicate one with the other. Our Lord wants us to have three homes. We ought to have a family home, a church home, and a heavenly home. Jesus Christ is the key to all three. And I want to guide you in a prayer this morning that tries to come into your heart.

Or maybe you've asked Him, but you've never really gotten it settled by faith. I won't ask you to pray a prayer like this. Just pray out of your heart, Dear God, I'm a sinner.

I'm lost. I need to be saved. I want to be saved. Jesus, I need you.

Thank you for shedding your blood for me. Lord Jesus, I open my heart. I receive you now as my Lord and Master. Come into my heart.

Come in right now. Save me, Lord Jesus. And Lord Jesus, give me the courage to make this public. In your name I pray. Amen. If you would like to learn more about how you can know Jesus and keep in your relationship with Him, simply click the Discover Jesus link on our website, lwf.org. For a copy of this message or additional resources, visit our online store at lwf.org. Or call 1-800-274-5683. We'll see you next time. Thank you.