Total Togetherness | Part 2

Listen closely as Adrian Rogers shares the importance of healthy communication in a marriage. If you were my wife, I would gladly drink it. That's railing for railing.

That happens in homes, doesn't it? Welcome to Love Worth Finding featuring the timeless lessons and insights of beloved pastor and Bible teacher Adrian Rogers. God's plan for marriage is for man and woman to become one flesh totally together as one. In order to be this intimate, men and women must have constant healthy communication. In part one of today's message, Pastor Rogers began to share four steps to total intimacy in marriage.

We must understand our differences as husband and wife and give thought to the other in how we communicate. If you have your Bible, turn to 1 Peter chapter 3. We'll begin in verse 7 with part two of total togetherness.

Here again is Adrian Rogers. Now would you take God's holy word please and turn to 1 Peter chapter 3 and in a moment we're going to begin reading in verse 7. We're talking today about husbands and wives and the relationship of husbands and wives and the title of the message is total togetherness. That is how to achieve intimacy in marriage. You're going to find out that the scripture is addressed today primarily to the husband because I believe it is the wives who desire intimacy more than the man.

And we men sometimes are so, pardon me fellas, stupid, we don't understand the needs of a wife and really our own deepest needs. Alright, let's see what God's word has to say about how to achieve that unity in marriage. I begin reading here in verse 7, likewise ye husbands. Now he's already spoken to the wives and then he begins to speak to the husbands. And he says likewise ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered.

Finally be ye all of one mind having compassion one of another. Love is brethren, be pitiful, be courteous, not rendering evil for evil or railing for railing but contrary wise blessing knowing that ye are there unto call that ye should inherit a blessing. Now go back to verse 7 and look at that word dwell. Husbands dwell within. The word dwell in the Greek language literally means to house together, to live together in the same house.

It comes from two Greek words which mean house and with or to live within the same house. That is intimacy. It literally means letting somebody else into your life. Now, dear friend, marriage comes to its fullest, its happiest, its most wonderful state when we achieve total, total togetherness. Total intimacy in marriage. I see in our passage before us four things, four steps to total intimacy, total togetherness in marriage and the very first of these is what I want to call thoughtfulness. Now the Bible says here husbands dwell with your wives according to knowledge. That is dwell with your wives thoughtfully according to knowledge.

Actually we could translate it this way. Live together in the same house with good sense, literally. Live together, sunoiko, dwell in the same house with good sense according to knowledge. Now gentlemen, I want you to learn that a woman is different from a man other than merely physically different. She is psychologically and emotionally different and God made her different on purpose. She is designed differently by her manufacturer. God made her different from you. And if you try to make her just like you or you think that you're going to give to her exactly what you would like to have, you're going to make a big mistake. Friends, she is different. She's equal to you but different and we need to learn that equality is not sameness. God made her different and if you don't learn to adjust to that, you're headed for big trouble. I want to mention four or five ways that a woman is different from a man.

If you're going to live with your wife according to knowledge, you're going to have to learn these ways that she is different and she's different by design. For example, God has designed the man to be the leader or the initiator and God has designed the woman to be the responder. Over and over again the Bible says the husband is to be the head of the wife. That is, the head is what initiates. The head is what gives leadership. The man is designed to lead, the woman is designed to respond and therefore the man is to be the initiator. Now take the analogy again of Christ in the church.

We love him because he first loved us. God is the one through the Lord Jesus who has initiated that love and correspondingly God has made the male to be the initiator and God has made the woman to be the responder. Now this doesn't mean of course that the man is the boss in the home but it does mean that he's to lead and most women have a sense of insecurity when the husband does not lead. Second difference, not only should men and women realize that they're different in the fact that the man is to be the initiator and the woman is to be the responder but men and women think different. Men tend to think logically, women tend to think emotionally.

Now wait just a moment ladies. I'm not saying that the man's way of thinking is better, it is different. I'm certainly not saying that the man is smarter than the woman but they come at problems differently and a woman many times will lead with her emotions. Now fellas you need to understand that about the female psyche. Joyce tells me, Adrian, don't listen to what I say, listen for what I mean.

That's frustrating guys, it really is but you have to do that. Now men want objective solutions to a problem but a woman when she's faced with a problem she'll think about the people within that problem and begin to care for them. It's not to say that men are not emotional and women are not logical. I'm talking about however a basic instinct in the nature of human nature. Let me tell you again the difference between men and women. Now a man because he's goal oriented looks for success but a woman because she is relationship oriented she looks for security.

Therefore think about it. A man sees his job as an extension of himself. I mean the man can hardly separate himself from his job. If he's failing in his job he has a great sense of lack of self-worth and if he's achieving in his job he sees himself because he's goal oriented as being fulfilled and worth something. But the woman, the woman sees her home as an extension of herself and therefore if the man pays no attention to the home the woman is going to feel that the man is really rejecting her. Guys when we fail to fix the little things around the house, the leaking faucets we fail to do those things that she's been asking to have done over and over again it's not the leaking faucet, it's not the door that won't close good that really bothers her.

It's a way that you have said to her I really don't care about your life and the things that pertain to you. And we need to understand that while men are success oriented women are security oriented. Nothing wrong with either one.

God put both together because we need both. Now a husband needs to learn more about his wife than he learns about his automobile. Dwell with them number one, number one thoughtfully. Okay, according to knowledge it literally means live together with good sins. Number two, dwell with her not only thoughtfully but dwell with her thankfully. Thankfulness is the second key to total togetherness. Look at the scripture, likewise she husbands dwell with them according to knowledge giving honor unto the wife.

Do you see that? Do you know what it means to give her honor? It really means to express appreciation to your mate.

That's it. To give honor means to set something aside as having great value. Somehow you have to get across to your wife that you value her. That she is of worth to you. That she is important to you. That she is God's priceless gift and therefore you are going to grant to her the respect due to her and the position in her life.

And you must give this honor. If you don't give it to her, a great place in her life is going to be void. Let your children hear you praise their mother.

It's one of the finest things you can possibly do. Her children praise her and her husband also rises up and gives her honor, Proverbs 31 says. And you to do that in front of your children. Praise your wife before her friends. Never, never cut your wife down in public. Never before her friends. It's humiliating.

It's degrading. If you have a fault to pick with her, certainly you can do it at home in a loving confrontation. Give her honor. Write her a note. Let her know how much you value her. How much you appreciate her. How would you like to have to go out and hire somebody to do what your wife does if she is a homemaker? Do you think that you would just find a person offhandedly who could do these things to be a meal planner, a nurse, a counselor, a comforter, a policeman and a judge to settle disputes between the kids, a wardrobe consultant, a budget and financial planner, a teacher, a tutor, a cheerleader, a spiritual advisor, a nursery worker, a seamstress, a cook, a maid, a gardener, an administrator, an interior decorator, an chauffeur, and a historian and all of these things that she is, a confidant, a companion, a lover, an advisor, an encourager, a partner, a comforter. She's all of these things.

Happy is the man who learns how to express thanksgiving. Nothing will do more to intimacy in a marriage than for you to recognize those character traits and achievements in your wife and give honor to her. Now let me mention the third thing that she needs, and she needs it so much. Not only does she need this thankfulness, but she needs trustfulness. She needs to know that you trust her. You recognize her for her worth. You give her honor, and therefore you trust her.

Listen to the logic. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge. All right, that's thoughtfulness. Giving honor unto the wife, that's thankfulness, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life. Underscore this phrase, heirs together of the grace of life. Do you know what that means? That means that there is an equality in your lives, that you both as husband and wife have an equal inheritance.

Are you listening? You have an equal inheritance before Almighty God. In Christ, there's neither male nor female, Jew nor Greek, bond or free.

You're all one in the Lord Jesus Christ. And she needs to know, dear friend, that you have that trustfulness of her, that you trust her. And the way that you show her that you trust her is that you're transparent with her, absolutely truthful, that that communication is constant. And she can feel free in such an attitude of trust that if there's a fault in your life, that she can confront you with that fault without fear of your retaliation or fear of your anger. She needs to know that you value her opinion so much that you will consult her before you make any major decision. And let me tell you, let me show you the mark that you really have this trustfulness.

You know what it is? The one mark that you trust your wife. It is that you pray with her. The Bible says you're to dwell together as heirs of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered.

There's nothing that will put intimacy into the marriage. There's nothing that will show trustfulness more than when husband and wife trust each other so much that they're so transparent that they can pray together. Mister, when you prayed with your wife, do you know what you're saying to her? You're saying to her, I recognize that you're a spiritual creature. I recognize your great value before God. I recognize that you and I are equals before God. I recognize that my job and my concern is your spiritual welfare. I value you before God, and I so trust you that I'm able to be transparent before God because you cannot pray without total transparency.

I value so much that I'm willing to pray with you. Do you know why so many husbands find it hard to pray with their wives? Because, dear friend, they are not willing to be intimate. They don't know how to open up. They don't know how just to lay themselves before God. And we'll get off before God, and we'll tell God things we wouldn't want our wife to know.

Why? We don't trust her. It's not that she's not trustworthy, but we just simply do not recognize that we are heirs together of the grace of life. For him to open the day and close the day with prayer as husband and wife is a binding together, a bonding together that God wants. How sweet it is, as two become one flesh, they enter into that intimacy of prayer. Now, listen, folks. Peter knew what he was talking about.

Of course, he was inspired by the Holy Spirit. He says, you dwell with them according to knowledge. That is thoughtfulness.

Live together with good sins. And then he says, give her honor. That is thankfulness. And then he says, you're heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered. That is trustfulness as we pray one with another and pray one for another. Then let me give you the last in these ingredients that will make a marriage a super glue marriage. And that, my dear friend, is what I want to call tenderness, tenderness.

Now, notice he says here in verse 7 that you are to give honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, the weaker vessel. Now, are women weaker than men? Well, they outlive us. They control most of the wealth. They really do in the world.

It's an amazing thing. Why are they called the weaker vessel? I think that the reason that a woman is called the weaker vessel is in the very word here itself. It actually has the idea of being a more fragile fabric. Does it mean it's worth less?

It means it's worth more. Your wife is of a very fragile fabric. Doesn't mean she's inferior. When the Bible says you're to give her honor as unto the weaker vessel, she's a very delicate creature. She needs to be handled with tenderness, tenderness. And, friend, if you'll put thoughtfulness and thankfulness and trustfulness and tenderness together, you're going to have that total togetherness.

You're going to have that intimacy that's going to make the physical act of marriage all the more beautiful, but you'll never achieve real intimacy without these other things. Now, he goes on to tell us how to be tender. He enlarges the subject to include the entire church, but he certainly includes husband and wife when he says here, Finally be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous, not rendering evil for evil or railing for railing. You know, our tongues get us in trouble so much in a marriage, don't they?

Evil for evil, railing for railing. I'm reminded of Winston Churchill and Lady Astor. Now, they weren't married.

You can be grateful for that. One time Winston Churchill so infuriated, Lady Astor, she said, If I were your wife, I'd put arsenic in your tea. He said, Madam, I can assure you, if you were my wife, I would gladly drink it. On another occasion, Lady Astor found Winston Churchill and he'd been drinking. She said, aha, you're drunk. He said, that's right, and you're ugly. But he said, tomorrow I'll be sober. That's railing for railing. That happens in homes, doesn't it? Boy, you're glad that Churchill and Lady Astor weren't married.

It would have been a lady disaster. But what we need to do is to take God's plan here for this tenderness. Look at it here. He gives us a very wonderful plan. He says here, first of all, compassion. You know what the word compassion means? Here's where tenderness comes from. Our English word compassion means to feel with. Can you put yourself in your wife's place and feel with her to suffer, to say I understand and I care? And then he says, Love is brethren.

You say, well, she's not my brother. That isn't what it means. It means that not only is your wife to be your sweetheart, she is to be your friend. This is friendship love.

Somebody wrote these words. Somebody asked me to tell the time our friendship stopped and our love began. Oh, my darling, that is the secret. Our friendship never stopped. And when you fall in love, you don't fall out of friendship.

Fall in love as brethren. Be pitiful. That means I hurt when you hurt.

I love you, my darling, as I love my own body. Be courteous. That's where tenderness comes from. You know what courtesy is? It is simply love in the little things. The kind of courtesy you had for your wife when you opened the door when you took her out on a date, when you stood by her chair and would seat her, when you would rise when she would come into a room, when you just walk past and touch her shoulder and smile at her. Dear friend, listen, God's Word is so practical.

So practical. Gentlemen, I want to challenge you in the name of Jesus to do these four things, to put these ingredients into your marriage. And I want you to begin on thoughtfulness, thankfulness, trustfulness, and tenderness. And you see if God doesn't do something great in your marriage. And you will dwell together as one flesh and your home will become a little colony of heaven.

What an encouraging message to think about today in all of your relationships. You know, at Love Worth Finding, we love hearing how the ministry and the messages of Adrian Rogers have inspired you in your faith journey. If you can, go online to lwf.org slash mylwfstory. There you can submit your own testimony or read others who've shared their stories with us. We often select stories to be shared through our Love Worth Finding community, and you can remain anonymous if you'd like.

We can't wait to hear from you. Again, go to lwf.org slash mylwfstory. Now, if you'd like to order a copy of today's message in its entirety, you can call us at 1-877-LOVE-GOD. Mention the title, Total Togetherness. This message is also part of the insightful series, Super Glue for the Family. With a complete four-message collection, call 877-LOVE-GOD, or you can order online at lwf.org slash radio. Or you can write us at Love Worth Finding, Box 38600, Memphis, Tennessee 38183. You may not know you can also purchase our new Bible studies, much like this message, in our online store.

For information on that, go to the website lwf.org slash radio. Aren't you glad God's word gives practical insight to reach total togetherness in marriage? If we communicate thoughtfulness, thanksgiving, trust, and tenderness, we can reach total intimacy. We're so glad you decided to join us for today's message. Tune in next time for more timeless truth from Adrian Rogers, right here on Love Worth Finding.

One of our Facebook friends wrote this not long ago. I just wanted to say I enjoy listening to Pastor Rogers. He is amazing, and I learned so much about God from him.

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