Tuning Up Tired Marriages | Part 1

Is your marriage ready for marriage? Dr. John Rogers said, it is not your love that sustains your marriage. It is your marriage that sustains your love. This month, we've been learning more about the music of marriage. Marriage ought to be a duet, not a dual.

We sing the same song, but we take different parts. Yet over time, our marriages may fall out of tune. At some point, we all need to be refreshed and reminded of God's grand purpose and design for marriage.

If you have your own joy. Now, as we read the Bible, turn to Ephesians, chapter 5, we'll begin in verse 22, as Adrian Rogers shares more about tuning up tired marriages. Open please to Ephesians chapter 5.

The moment we're going to begin reading some very familiar passages. We cannot preach on the home because we're talking today about tuning up tired marriages. Now sometimes marriage that starts out as an ideal then becomes an ordeal and then we're looking for a new deal.

And what we need to do is not to look for something new but to take something old and keep it fresh and wonderful. Peter Marshall, a great preacher of yesteryear, said, dearly beloved, a marriage relation when rightly understood and properly appreciated is the most delightful as well as the most sacred and solemn of all human relations. It is the clasping of hands. It is the blending of lives. It is the union of hearts that too may walk together up the hill of life to meet the dawn, together bearing life's burdens, discharging its duties, sharing its joys and sorrows. And then the great Dr. Marshall went on to say, marriage is more than moonlight and roses, much more than the singing of love songs and the whispering of vows of undying affection.

In our day, it is by many lightly regarded and by many as lightly discarded. But marriage will ever remain in the sight of God, an eternal union made possible by the gift of love which God alone can bestow. I think that's so wonderful. I think that's beautiful.

And I think it is well put. But many do not have the music of marriage. Many do not have a magnificent marriage. Many do not even have a mediocre marriage.

Many have a miserable marriage. Now, I want us to do something about that because the devil knows that if he can hurt us at home, he can hurt us all over. He can hurt us everywhere.

He can hurt us in the church, in the school, in society, in the nation if he has hurt us at home. And so Satan, and you know it is true, levels his biggest artillery at our homes. Isn't that right?

Indeed that is true. Now, that doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. It may mean that you're doing something right and the devil is trying to stop it. Now, the apostle Paul who wrote the scripture that I'm about to read to you, he's a wonderful, wonderful teacher because he tells us not only what to do, but he explains where we're going to get the power to do what we need to do. And then he gives us an illustration that we cannot miss to show us exactly what it is that he wants us to do. And he's saying to be filled with the Spirit, and that's in verse 18, we're not going to read that, but that's the power to do what we ought to do. And then he's going to tell us to love our wives and love our husbands, et cetera.

And that's what we ought to do. And then he's going to give us an illustration of what it is like. And the perfect illustration so no one can miss it is the illustration of the relationship of the Lord Jesus Christ and the church. Now, what Christ is to the church, the husband is to be to his wife. And what the church is to Christ, then the wife is to be to her husband. With that in mind, Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 22, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even in the same way as Christ is the head of the church, and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh, but he nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones for this cause. Shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh.

This is a great mystery. That is, it's difficult to understand, but then he says, but I speak concerning Christ and the church, I give you the illustration, he says. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Gentlemen, let's start with you first. I'll start with me.

What am I to do if I would tune up my marriage? Well, I am to be to Joyce what Jesus is to the church. I am to give to Joyce what Jesus gives to the church.

Now that means three major things. First of all, it means leadership. Look, if you will, in verse 23, for the husband is the head of the wife. Do you see that, lady?

Do you see that, sir? The husband is the head of the wife. How is he the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church? Now, how is Christ the head of the church? Well, He is the Lord of the church. He is the Master of the church, but He is not the dictator of the church. Did you know Jesus never makes me do anything? And, sir, you are going to be in severe difficulty if you think that when the Bible says you are the head, you read that to say, I am the boss. I am the dictator.

No, no, no, no. Jesus is not the dictator of the church. He is the head of the church. And if the wife refuses to follow, then we are going to see that she is going to reap repercussions, but He never forces me to do anything. And any husband who takes that attitude of the dictator is going to see that his home is in severe trouble.

He goes around using the Bible as a club rather than a sword saying, I am the head, submit. Marriage rights are a lot like traffic rights. I mean, yes, there are certain traffic rights and if you obey them, you get along fine, but suppose you come to an intersection and you have the right of way and another car is coming this way. Don't you think you ought to stop anyway? Here lies the body of Benjamin May who died defending the right of way.

He was right, dead right as he sped along, but just as dead as if he were wrong. Now, my dear friend, we can learn from that that the husband is to lead the wife. You owe to your wife leadership. We talk a lot about the chain of command in the home. It's not so much the chain of command as it is the chain of responsibility.

To be the head means that you accept the responsibility. The key, sir, on your desk as a husband is a sign which says, the buck stops here. And I want to tell you, mister, if your home is wrong, it is probably because you are wrong. The great problem in America is not rebellious women. It is slacker, quitter, sissy husbands.

That's the problem in America. Too many husbands who are weaklings and slackers and quitters and shirkers. Who will not say, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord? You owe to your wife leadership. But now, wait a minute, what kind of leadership? It is loving leadership.

That brings me to the second thing. Look at it here, if you will, in verse 25. Not only does he tell the husbands to lead, but he tells the husbands to love husbands.

Love your wives as Christ also loved the church. Now, what kind of love is this? We think of romance. He's not talking about romance here at all. What kind of love is this? First of all, it is passionate love. Now, romance may be included, but he's not talking about it here. The word for love here is not the word for erotic love. It is for sacrificial, self-giving love, passionate love.

You see, Jesus loved the church enough to die for the church. You ought to love your wife enough to die for her. Oh, you say I do. Well, do you?

Well, I'll tell you one way I can find out. Do you live for her? Don't come around here telling me you'd die for her if you don't live for her. You see, a man willing to die for his wife shows it by the way that he lives for his wife, and you don't have to die physically to die to your pride, ambition, ego, and your own particular proclivities and put your wife first. Do you know what most homes in Memphis, Tennessee, need and wherever you live in?

Do you know what they need? They need two funerals and a wedding. The husband dies to himself, and the wife dies to herself, and then they are wed one to another. Mister, when the Bible says that you're to love your wife as Christ loved the church, what it literally means is nothing is too precious for you to give up for your wife and your home. Nothing except your relationship to God. I hope you agree to that. Nothing is too precious for you to give up except your relationship with God. And I'm going to tell you something else. Most women do not mind being in subjection to a husband who loves her enough to die for her and shows it by the way he lives for her.

Isn't that true? How are you to love her? Passionately, but not only a passionate love, but a purifying love. Look in verse 26. He loves the church this way, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself, a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. Did you know, dear sir, that God expects more holiness out of a man than he does a woman? Did you know that God expects the man to be more spiritual than he does the woman?

He expects the man to be the leader. His love for his wife is to be not only passionate, it is to be purifying. Do you know what my chief assignment from God is? It is to make my wife joys, an even more radiantly beautiful Christian. You see, I'm to love her as Christ loves the church. What is Jesus to the church?

He is both prophet and priest. A man in his home is to be both prophet and priest to his wife, and as Jesus has forgiven the church, a husband should always forgive their wives and not be bitter against them. And as the Lord Jesus sanctifies the church, the husband should ever, ever, ever see to it that his wife has every opportunity to live a pure life and should never, ever, ever encourage her in any impurity whatsoever. Third thing, I'm talking here about love. I'm saying it is passionate love. It is purifying love. It is protecting love.

Look in verse 28. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

Now listen to me. A man is sick who doesn't take care of his own body, and he will soon be sicker. You see, you are to love your own body. You protect your own body. You keep your own body out of danger, and so it is that you are to love your wife as your own body because she is a part of you.

Who is closest? Mother and child or mother and husband? One woman was asking, and she said, if you had to choose between your husband and your son, which would you choose?

She said, I'd choose my son. That husband is no relation of mine. Well, oh, dear friend, a husband is not a relation of yours.

He is a part of you, and you are a part of him. You are one flesh, and, sir, if you hurt your wife, you are hurting you. Be good to yourself and love your wife.

Be good to yourself and love your wife. You are to love her with a protecting love, and you need to protect her in many ways. You need to protect her emotionally. You need to protect her physically. She is not physically as strong as you. That doesn't mean that she is not worth as much as you are because the Bible calls her the weaker vessel.

Silk is worth more than denim, but it's more fragile, but more beautiful, more delicate. But you see, dear friend, God has given the husband to protect. Many of you men are letting your wife work when you ought to come alongside and help her. I'm not talking about outside the home.

I'm just talking about inside the home. When she's tired and you're sitting there reading, she's still in the kitchen, you need to go in and help her. Is Joyce here today?

You need to do that. Little boy was looking at an old album, and he looked back at a family album that was taken many, many years ago. It was a wedding album, and he saw his mama when she was a bride.

He said, Daddy, is that when mama came to work for us? You owe her, my dear friend, protecting love. And listen, you owe her providing love. Look, if you will, in verse 29 because here's the way you protect. For no man ever hated his own flesh. He marishes his flesh.

He cherishes his flesh even as the Lord, the church. Now, to cherish, I told you already in this series, means to warm with body heat. And to nourish means to nurture.

It means to feed, to mature. You see, when you're cold, don't you want to be warmed? And when you're hungry, don't you want to be fed? What the apostle Paul is saying by divine inspiration is, see to it that her needs are met.

Seek to satisfy her as you would want yourself satisfied and strangely you will be satisfied. You see, a man, I tell you, is sick who does not want to care for his own body. And a man is committing suicide who does not care for his own body. And a man is committing matrimonial suicide who does not care for the needs of his wife. The problem is that, gentlemen, we fail to think of our wives as a part of us. I mean, we think of them as a part from us. So many a man thinks of his wife as a possession, like his car.

And when he gets a new car, he shows it off. Dear friend, your wife is a part of you just like we're a part of the Lord Jesus Christ. Look in verse 30. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. Friend, I want to tell you when you hurt, Jesus hurts.

He's touched with the feeling of your infirmity. And so it is that husbands are to love their wives. Now, here's the third thing, Mr. You Ode to Your Wife. Not only do you owe to her leadership, you're the head.

Not only do you owe to her love, you owe to her loyalty. Loyalty, look at it in verse 30. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. And for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife. The word literally means welded, fused to his wife.

And they too shall be one flesh. The word leave speaks of the priority of marriage. The word be joined speaks of the permanence of marriage. One flesh speaks of the purpose of marriage. It's all right there.

That's God's plan. It is loyalty. Again, I want to say the highest of all human relationships, contrary to popular opinion, is not mother-child. Nor is it child-parent. It is husband and wife.

Hope you understand that. There is no other human relationship like this. Never ever has it said of anyone else that they are one flesh. And so that speaks of the priority of marriage and to be joined speaks of the permanence of marriage. Divorce is never the plan of God.

Never the plan of God. You show me a young married couple that get married with divorce as an option and I'll show you a home that has a great, great potential for disintegration. You just take the word divorce and cut it out of your dictionary, just cut it out of your mind. You say, but if we have problems, maybe we ought to get a divorce and start all over again.

Listen to me. Couples that get divorced and couples that don't get a divorce have basically the same kinds of problems. The difference is not in the problems that people have. The difference is in the word commitment. Commitment. It is not your love that sustains your marriage.

Now if you don't hear anything else, you listen to me. It is not your love that sustains your marriage. It is your marriage that sustains your love. Marriage is a commitment. The Bible says you are to be joined.

You have the same kinds of problems. A no-fault divorce is an impossibility. And what happens so many times is that 10% of the marriage will be in trouble of a wonderful marriage and the 90% goes down the drain because of a lack of commitment. Somebody says, well, I owe it to myself to be happy. There's a good Greek word for that.

It's called baloney. I owe it to myself to be happy, therefore I'm... What do you mean you owe it to yourself to be happy? When you were in the marriage altar, you made a vow. You owe it to God to keep your vow. You owe it to your wife. You owe it to your children.

Bible says what God hath therefore joined together. Let not man put a son down. And coming up Monday, we'll hear the second half of this vital message from Adrian Rogers. In the meantime, maybe you have a prayer request about your marriage or your family that you'd like to share with us. At Love Worth Finding, it's one of our great honors to come alongside you and pray with you and for you. If you can, go to our website homepage at lwf.org slash radio and scroll down to our prayer wall. There you'll find the option to submit a prayer request or pray for others. This resource is one of our favorite ways to keep the ministry and the community praying continually for one another's needs.

We can't wait to hear from you today. Now, if you'd like to order a copy of this message in its entirety, tuning up tired marriages, call 1-877-LOVEGOD and mention that title. This message is also part of the insightful series, The Music of Marriage. For the complete collection, all six powerful messages, you can call that number 1-877-LOVEGOD or order online at lwf.org slash radio, or you can write us at Love Worth Finding, Box 38600, Memphis, Tennessee 38183. You can also purchase our new Bible studies, much like this message in our online store.

For more information, go to lwf.org slash radio. Thanks for studying God's word with us today. If you'd like to start receiving daily devotions and links to the program, sign up for our daily heartbeat emails at lwf.org slash radio and join us Monday for the conclusion of tuning up tired marriages, right here on Love Worth Finding. Here's a quick note a listener left on our Facebook wall recently. I've listened to Adrian Rogers a long time, but his sermons are a great encouragement to me every time I listen to him preach.

You agree with that? You know, at Love Worth Finding, our mission is to provide listeners with the timeless teachings of Adrian Rogers, as well as biblical resources to help you mature in your faith. When you donate to Love Worth Finding right now, we wanna thank you by sending a copy of the new book, The Music of Marriage. This book is for couples of all ages and experiences to remind us that God wrote the music of marital love and gave us the capacity to play together beautifully. Request a copy when you call us at 1-877-LOVEGOD. Again, give a gift at 1-877-568-3463 and we'll send you the new book, The Music of Marriage. And again, thank you for your generous support of Love Worth Finding.