Love One Another - How to Resolve Conflict in Relationships, Part 2

When a conflict arises, it's a lot easier to put up your dukes than it is to open your arms and resolve that conflict, isn't it? If you're having a tough time resolving a conflict before it erupts, then stick around. God has a word of encouragement for all of us today. Thank you for being with us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip Ingram serves as our Bible teacher for this global teaching and discipleship ministry, helping Christians develop an authentic faith. Well, in this program, we're continuing our series Love One Another. Today, Chip will finish his message on conflict resolution by sharing some practical advice to help you handle disagreements when they inevitably pop up. If you're ready, here's Chip with the remainder of his talk from Romans Chapter 12. He begins by continuing to explain why Christ followers shouldn't tolerate disunity of any kind.

Let's dive in. Final reason is probably the most basic carnality. Likely the most common of all sources of disunity and disharmony, plain, old-fashioned sin and selfishness, are still the primary culprits in relational conflict. The answer always is repentance, confession, and forgiveness, and following God's commands. See, the fact is that the real reason, 1 Corinthians 1, 10 to 13, the whole chapter, 1 Corinthians 3, I've heard among you, brother, and there's actually divisions among you, Paul says, and I believe it because some say I'm a Paul, some say I'm a Peter, some say, you know. And at the root of it was their carnality.

Paul writes and says, I'd like to talk to you as mature, but I can't. You are so small-minded. You are so selfish. You're so into the politics of the church. You're so into your own agenda. You're so using the church of God for a platform for your own ego strokes.

He says we are not flat out putting up with that. In fact, one of the strongest words, powerful, strongest statements in all of the New Testament is 1 Corinthians 3, verses 16 and 17. And it talks about the church there, the you is plural, speaking of the church plural. And basically it's a warning that if you mess with, if I mess with unity in the church of God, the very hand of God will come down on you. See, this unity stuff is real big to God because a dis-unified church communicates to the world that Jesus wasn't sent by the Father, that the faith isn't true, and that this is nothing other than a glorified Lion's Club, Rotary Club, or Kiwanis group, all wonderful groups, by the way, not all commissioned to save the world, not all commissioned with the life-saving message of Jesus, fully God, fully man, resurrected. See, we're not a social club. We're an army, we're a family, and we're people with a purpose.

And part of that purpose is we must live in harmony with one another. I came across the list of various personality traits that give us problems. There's the critic constantly complains and gives unwanted advice. These are really the carnal type personalities that we have all experienced.

I'll do this to jog your memory because I have an application at the end that you might think, ooh, hmm, I know that person I need to talk to. The martyr, forever the victim and wracked with self-pity. The wet blanket, pessimistic and automatically negative about everything all the time. The steamroller, blindly insensitive and runs over people.

The gossip spreads rumors and leaks secrets. The control freak, unable to let go and let be if it gets out of their hands, out of their control. The backstabber, the irrepressibly two-faced person. The cold shoulder, the person who disengages and avoids contact when there's conflict.

The volcano builds up steam and is ready to erupt. We just don't know when or where. The sponge, constantly in need but never gives anything back. The workhorse always pushes and pushes.

No matter what you do, they're never satisfied. And the chameleon, the person that's eager to please and always avoids conflict. What am I saying? I'm saying that there's lots of legitimate reasons for conflict that godly people have. Our personalities, our sin.

It's not a good reason but it's one, isn't it? And until Jesus comes back or you go to him, we're going to struggle with that. I'm going to struggle with that. We're going to have theological difference. We're going to have philosophical differences. And just change. Every time there's change, even good change, is going to bring conflict.

So here's the deal. If there's that many situations that cause disharmony and we're commanded to live in harmony with one another, here's the question I want to spend the rest of our time on. How can we restore harmony in relationships? How can we restore what God commands Jesus prayed for?

The early church practiced and when they did, it was transforming. How do we do it? First, refuse to tolerate disunity. As far as it depends on you, Romans 12 18 says that. Be at peace with all men. As far as it depends on you, refuse to tolerate disunity.

As far as your relational network goes, you know there's a problem with you or with someone else. Just don't let it happen. Address it. Don't avoid it. It won't go away. Don't procrastinate.

Don't buy that lie. Oh, it'll get better. I'll give it time. Yeah, like an infection, you know.

Just give it time. What's it do? You get gangrene. That's what happens in the church. Oh, well, someone will tell them.

Yeah. Who's it bothering? Me. You tell them. Third, don't delegate it.

That's a cowardice way out. You know, we find someone, why don't you go tell them about that problem they're doing over in our church? They're really messing up our Bible study group. You think you could tell them?

No, why don't you tell them? Fourth, don't rationalize it. That's denial. Unresolved conflict is not an option in the body of Christ. Unity is a non-negotiable.

It came by a quote that is, I think, one of the saddest quotes and commentaries I've ever read, ever in my life. When I think about America, when I think about what God longs to do, when I think of the power of the Gospel, when I think that you have been sealed with the Spirit, that God wants to do a great work on any given day, three-fourths of all churches' ministry is significantly reduced because of non-productive and destructive conflict. Conflict is so severe in one-fourth of those churches that the conflict has to be reduced before the church can solve or do anything. Seventy-five percent of the churches in America are spending inordinate energy doing what? Fighting. Fighting. And a fourth of them can't even get out of the blocks because they are so inwardly focused at each other's throats.

Does that sound just like the opposite of what Jesus prayed? I'll tell you what, it takes hard work. It takes everyone involved. It takes a non-negotiable, we will take it to the limit, attitude about disunity, but don't tolerate it. And see, that's an issue of the will. That's where it starts. When there's disharmony in relationships in the body of Christ, one of the options is not, let it go. Second, embrace conflict as normal and unavoidable. John 16, 33, Jesus promised us, and the world will have tribulation.

Why? It's a fallen world. There's your flesh, there's my flesh. We have multiple differences, and the enemy's number one agenda is what?

Divide and conquer. Conflict is normal, learn to deal with it, embrace it, and grow from it. The fact of the matter is the times when I've grown the most has been the worst conflict in my life. Why?

You get desperate, don't you? I don't like to confront people. I don't like to look at issues in my heart. I don't want to deal with deep things that keep coming up, and when one, two, three, four people tell you the same thing over a period of years, it's that old adage, Bob has a problem with Sue, Bob has a problem with Bill, Bob has a problem with Barbara, Bob has a problem with Sue. Again, what's the problem?

Bob. You know, there's certain little things, just like a wheel in my life, that keep coming back. And I realize, you know what?

The conflict has caused me to look at those. Third, be the initiator in conflict resolution. Be the initiator. You say, well, it's one of my faults. Scripture says it doesn't matter whose fault it is. Matthew 5-24 says, when you come to the altar to worship God and there, remember, your brother has something against you. Go to your brother, lay down your offering, go make it right. Matthew 18-15 says, if your brother has offended you, if he's sinned against you, what?

You go, and if he listens to you, you've won your brother. Third, when it's perceived to be your fault, take the initiative. When it's perceived to be their fault, take the initiative. If there's a problem, take the initiative. The body and the health of Christ's church is more important than who's right, who's wrong, and who ought to apologize first. We've got people sitting at opposite ends of the churches all over America for 10, 15, 50 years, waiting for that other person to come across the aisle and say, it was really my fault. That's ludicrous. That's carnality. And it's sad. Take the first step regardless of whose fault.

It's a sign of strength, not weakness. Who took the first step with us and God? Who had the problem? Who brought on the problem? Us. Who took the initiative? God.

Who left heaven? Jesus. We had a problem. Conflict resolution. He came, dealt with the conflict, lived a perfect life, conflict resolution, made an offer, and whosoever would desire to come, you can come, because he didn't wait to figure out whose fault it was. He knew that.

It was ours. Take the initiative. Fourth, deal with you before you deal with them. Luke 6 41 is that classic passage about the speck in your eye and the log in your brothers.

What I mean by this is don't be impulsive. Own your part, even its quote in your mind. Five percent of this was made at once. Ninety-five percent of it was them. Okay?

Tell you what. Here's what the Word of God says. You own your five percent, and you repent of your five percent, and you go and tell them you're sorry for your five percent.

Well, will they then own their 95 percent? I don't know. That's not your responsibility, is it? See, we don't do what God says because we're promised results. We do what God says because he says it.

Get your perspective before you try and give it to someone else. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be back to finish today's message in just a minute. But quickly, did you know you've been uniquely gifted by a Heavenly Father who loves you?

Stick around after the teaching to discover a valuable tool we've developed to help you identify and embrace the divine gifts you possess. But for now, here's Chip to continue our series, Love One Another. Finally, meet together ASAP and outline the issue. All right? You're not going to tolerate, right? You're not going to let disunity, disharmony go.

You're going to embrace it and say, God's going to do something good. It's going to be painful, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to take the initiative. You're going to deal with the you before you start to deal with the them. And then meet together as soon as possible. Now, here's what you do.

You ready? You work on this. I got to do this last week.

Got to do it last week. My 2 o'clock in the morning, I was struggling with an issue and struggling with a very, very close friend. It was more I saw kind of some symptoms, and the week before I talked to him, and he is of the personality and giftedness that when you mention something casually, it's usually bang, bang, bang.

I mean, the world happens. And it was a week later, and I couldn't quite figure it out. And then I learned he was kind of frustrated with his job, and I was getting kind of frustrated with mine. And I was thinking, you know, what's the deal here? Because I felt a little tension coming up.

And ministry-wise, but what I've learned is if you let ministry tension go, eventually it will end up in your relationship. And so here's what you do. First, the what?

Calmly describe what you perceive the other person is doing to cause the problem. And so I did. I think there's a problem, and I told him this is what I think you're doing to cause that problem.

Second is the how. Tell him how it makes you feel. And I told him, man, I'm frustrated.

I'm really frustrated. And then I learned that I think he was more frustrated than me. Then next, the why. Tell why this is important to you. So I told him why.

It mattered to me. And then the question. Notice what are we going to do to fix it? See, I knew it wasn't his problem or just my problem. We've been working together a long time. We do this so often, so forthrightly all the time.

There's people that come into a meeting that we're in and look at us like, oh, I think I'll catch you guys later. I mean, it's just out there. Why? Because he loves me. He always tells me the truth.

And I try hard to tell him the truth. He's better at that than I am. So then I got, well, how are we going to fix this? How are we going to fix this? And then we sat down and we talked, and he talked about, boy, what his job's doing to him. And I talked about what my job is doing to him and what his responsibility is in mind and how do we look at this and what I think they ought to be and what he thinks they ought to be.

And then, boy, we came to, boy, yeah, we need to address that. And so then you encourage their response and feedback. Someone has said 50% of the time when you go to a person, they didn't even know there was a problem. 30% of the time, they're more than willing to work at it. So 80% of the time when you go and talk with someone, you're going to get a great response.

We think it's just the opposite. And then write down the desired action. This is a central step. After I stayed up, you know, all night, then I went to my little donut shop and I read my Bible and I prayed, and then I got a napkin.

I wish they'd get better napkins because it was very hard to write on. And I wrote down what I thought the issue was. I wrote down every single thing, and then I came up with a specific game plan of what I thought we needed to address this issue for he and I to work in a way that would be productive for the kingdom of God, and he has some sanity and me have sanity as well.

And so I wrote it down and I gave it to him. Then set a specific time to revisit. Patterns don't happen overnight. Patterns aren't broken overnight. And so what I realized, see, you know, I could give you all the stuff on this, is that my first response to life when it's not going well, this will surprise some of you, is anger. Because I seem like a really nice guy up here. And on good days I am. And that's part of my personality that just loves to be with people.

Underneath that real nice person that likes to be with people, on those tests come out real high D. Make it happen. Here's the task. Take the hill.

What's the problem? We agreed on this. There's what we're going to do.

Why aren't we doing it? Now, I've learned and I'm trying to say it and learn how to do that in very, very nice ways. But the way I internalize it, when there's a roadblock, I get mad. And then I have to say, why am I angry? And I go to that anger series and work through all my issues. And what I realized was, here's what happened to me, is I realized major transitions change. And so some of the things that are falling through the cracks, well, my first reaction is I'm angry. So from two to three, I'm angry.

From three to four, I'm figuring out why. And by 5.30, what I realize is I'm asking him to do what I am not doing for him. Guess where the problem landed?

Right back in the center of my desk. It wasn't his problem. It was my problem. His lack of perspective of getting sucked into things, who does he report to? He reports to me. What's my job? My job is to make sure that he does only the most important strategic things. I dropped the ball.

I blew it. I have to own it, but you set a time so that you can address it. So Monday at 11.15, he and I are going to get together. I've got a game plan.

I've been thinking about it. And then we're going to get together, and we're going to meet every Monday at 11.15 so that I keep my focus and he keeps his, because I have not done a good job of giving him what he needs to minister effectively. Finally, commitment by both sides to put the issue in the past once solved. See, the reason I can share this, even though it was just last week, man, I'll tell you what, we're committed.

We're committed to doing what God wants us to do. We happen to get along really, really well, and so there's parts of this that was a great example. The good part of this example I like is I actually followed. I did what you're supposed to do.

I was really happy about that. Now, however, sometimes when it's really messy and there's not a lot of freedom and it's hard to speak the truth in love, you get it resolved, and then you don't make this final commitment by both sides to put the issue in the past once solved. What this means is you don't bring it up to others. You don't tell, I ask permission, and because it's not a problem anymore.

You don't bring it up to people, well, you know, I had this problem and I was talking to her and, yeah, we talked and we met. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's done. Shh. You just, shh. You don't tell anybody else. Secondly, don't bring it up to this person again.

If it's solved, if it's behind you, you may meet, you may work through it, but in the heat of another argument, don't pull out out of your bag. Well, remember that time when you did, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You've let loose of that. That's gone.

That's foreign territory. And finally, here's the big one. Don't even bring it up in your own mind and you're thinking and fantasizing.

Don't replay the tapes of what they did, when they did it, how, well, it's resolved, isn't it? Bang, it's done. You have power over what goes in your mind, how you think and how you don't. Stop.

Hey, Lord, thank you. The enemy will come in and just stir that pot, stir that pot, stir that pot. So you meet together, you say, what? Calmly describe the problem, how it makes you feel, why this is important, and then the question, how are we going to fix this? You answer the question by encouraging their response, write down the desired action. What are you going to do?

Set a specific time to follow up so you do it, and then make a commitment together. This is in the past. You got it? Okay, flip the page. Number six is if resolution does not occur, follow the biblical guidelines of Matthew 18.

And all I'm going to do is read them. There's four steps in Matthew 18. You go to them, you love them, you share your heart, you do it with the right attitude. You go to a brother, you go to a sister in Christ, and they basically stiff-arm you and say, get out of my face in sort of a nice or un-nice kind of way. If your brother sins against you, step one, go and show him his fault just between the two of you. Step one is personal confrontation. If he listens to you, you've won your brother. It's over.

You're done. Step two is small group confrontation. But if he will not listen, take one or two others so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. So if he stiff-arms you, you go back, or she does, and you say, you know, someone they respect, someone they think's objective, someone that actually is objective would even be better. And you go back and say, you know, we've got to get this resolved. Unity is non-negotiable in the body of Christ.

And so I want to bring so and so and so and so that they can get in on this so that the data and the fact, and if it's my perception or yours, whatever. Step three is you take it to the church. If they refuse to listen to them, the small group, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or tax collector. So we have a two-step process where it goes before the elders. We work it through there.

If there's still no response, then it goes public. And then after that, it's excommunication. That's what he says. Treat him like a tax collector. That's hard.

That's how important unity is. Psalm 133, 1 says how good and how pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity. But what I'd like you to do is I'd like you to look at the four questions on the bottom of this sheet, and I'd like you to obey them. I'd like you to respond. I'd like you to be an answer to Jesus' prayer. He prayed that we'd be unified in agreement, one-mindedness, but commit to live in harmony with one another.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard, how to resolve conflict in relationships, is from our series Love One Another. Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. You know, it's easy to hear the truth, feel inspired by it, and even believe it but how often do we fail to act on it? Through these insightful messages, Chip challenges us to pause and choose to radically love others as Jesus did. Learn what it looks like to encourage, admonish, care for, and live in harmony with one another. Don't miss out on how to experience the joy and fulfillment of Godly community.

To catch up on any part of this study, listen through the Chip Ingram app or at livingontheedge.org. Well, I'm here in studio now with Chip, and Chip, as you meet people around the country or read the numerous emails we receive, people are discouraged about their identity or not knowing what their life's purpose is. Now, what would you say to someone wrestling with those weighty ideas?

Well, first, you are right, Dave. I mean, this is a super important topic today. A recent Harvard survey showed that nearly 60% of young adults in the U.S. are unsure of their purpose in life.

I mean, that is a massive number. And as daunting as that may seem, God knows exactly why He created each one of us with unique talents and gifts and abilities. And here's the good news. We have a resource that can help them discover exactly what that is. It's called Your Divine Design. It will help you, listening to my voice right now, discover the spiritual gifts that God has given you and better yet, it'll help you put those gifts into action. So if you're struggling with identity or purpose, it's my prayer that God would use Your Divine Design to let you know with certainty that God has a great purpose for you.

Great encouragement, Chip. In fact, we believe so strongly in this tool and its impact on our spiritual walks, we want to get this book into as many hands as possible. That's why all month long, when you make a thoughtful investment in giving to Living on the Edge, we'll send you Your Divine Design as our way of saying thanks. Learn more by going to livingontheedge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003, or visit livingontheedge.org.

App listeners, tap donate. Please know how much we appreciate your support. Well, before we go, here again is Chip to share a few insightful words for us to think about. Few things we could discuss are as important as living in harmony with one another.

So as we do, I want to walk through the outline that you just heard, and I want you to ask God as I go over this by way of reminder, do you need to put any of this into practice? How do we restore harmony in relationships? One, refuse to tolerate disunity as far as it depends on you.

Number two, embrace conflict as normal and unavoidable. Let's not procrastinate. Let's not delegate it. Let's not rationalize. Let's embrace it. It's normal. We got to deal with it.

Third, be the initiator in conflict resolution. Let's get off this. Well, it's his fault. It's her fault. You know, I'll wait for them. Come talk to me.

Hey, it affects the body. Deal with it. Number four, deal with you before you deal with them. Don't act impulsively. Own your part.

And then number five, meet as soon as possible and outline the issue. This is not something you put on the back burner. This isn't something you deal with later.

Conflict is like cancer. It will grow. It will multiply. It will destroy.

And it's destroying the most important organization and organism on the earth, the body of Christ. That's an encouraging word, Chip, thanks. And in case you missed some of the points Chip just reviewed, they're pulled straight from his message notes, which is a tool available for every program. So let me encourage you to get this resource before you listen to us again. Chip's notes include his outline, the scripture he references, and fill-ins to help you remember what you're learning. They'll really help you get the most out of every program. Chip's message notes are a quick download at livingontheedge.org under the broadcasts tab, app listeners tap fill-in notes. Well, until next time, this is Dave Drewy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.