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Relationships Under Pressure - How to Resolve Conflict in Relationships, Part 2

Living on the Edge / Chip Ingram
The Truth Network Radio
May 25, 2020 6:00 am

Relationships Under Pressure - How to Resolve Conflict in Relationships, Part 2

Living on the Edge / Chip Ingram

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May 25, 2020 6:00 am

When conflict arises, it’s a lot easier to “put up your dukes” than it is to do the hard work of actually resolving the conflict, isn’t it? If you’re having a tough time resolving conflict, then join Chip as he offers specific tools to help you get successfully navigate tough conflicts.


When icon is a lot easier to put up your dukes, that it is to open your arms resolved icon. If you're having a tough time resolving conflict erupts and stick around. God has a word arrangement welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge shipping group Living on the Edges of international teaching and discipleship history featuring the Bible to this program. She continues his series relationships under pressure by digging into this area of conflict resolution providing some specific tools to help his head off conflict before it clears up his building on several points is already made listed encourage you to take time to catch the previous program easily done on the app or maybe later today go to and click on the broadcast valid stewardship for part two of his message how to resolve conflict in relationships Romans chapter 12, likely the most common of all sources of disunity and disharmony plane old-fashioned sin and selfishness are still the primary culprits in relational conflict. Answer always is repentance, confession and forgiveness and following God's commands see this unity stuff is real big to God because a disk unified church communicates to the world that Jesus wasn't sent by the father that the faith isn't true and that this is nothing other than a glorified Lions Club Rotary club or Qantas group. All wonderful groups. By the way, not all commission to save the world. Not all commission with the lifesaving message of Jesus, fully God and fully man resurrected. See were not a social club or an army or a family and were people with a purpose and part of that purposes, we must live in harmony with one another.

I came across a list of various personality traits that give us problems. There is a critic constantly complains and not gives unwanted advice. This is these are really the carnal type personalities that we've all experienced all do this to jog your memory because I'm an application at the end that you might think will I know that person. I need to talk to the martyr forever. The victim and wracked with self-pity. The wet blanket, pessimistic and automatically negative about everything all the time. The steamroller blindly insensitive and runs over people the gospel gossip spreads rumors and leaks secrets control freak, unable to let go and let B gets out of there hands out of their control. The backscatter that your report oppressively two-faced person the cold shoulder. The person who disengages and avoids contact conflict the volcano builds up steam is ready to erupt. We just don't know when or where the sponge constantly in need, but never gives anything back. The workhorse always pushes and pushes matter what you do the never satisfied in the chameleon the person that's eager to please and always avoids conflict when my sand. I'm saying that there's lots of legitimate reasons for conflict. The godly people have our personalities are sin is not a good reason, but if it's one is until Jesus comes back. Are you going to him will you struggle with that. I'm gonna struggle with that. We have theological difference. We are philosophical differences and just change every time there's changing the change is gonna bring conflict. So here's the deal.

If there's that many situations that cause disharmony and were commanded to live in harmony with one another. Here's a question, spend the rest of our time on how can we restore harmony in relationships, how can we restore what God commands Jesus prayed for the early church practice and when they did it was transforming how we do. First, refuse to tolerate disunity as far as it depends on you. Romans 1218 says that be at peace with all men, as far as it depends on you refuse to tolerate disunity as far as your relational network does you know there's a problem with you or with someone else.

Just don't let it happen.

Address. Don't avoid it won't go away. Don't procrastinate, don't buy that life. Oh it'll get better.

I'll give it time yet, like an infection. Just give it time.

What to do to get gangrene. That's what happens in the church all well that someone will tell you is it bothered me. You tell third don't delegate that's a cowardice way, and we find someone want you go tell them about the problem they're doing up in her church there really messing up our Bible study group you think you could tell no one forth. Don't rationalize that's denial on resolve conflict is not an option in the body of Christ unity is a non-negotiable came by a quote that is I think one of the saddest quotes in commentaries I've ever read ever in my life. While Schaller is been a guy around for about 40 years consulting with churches crisscrossing in all kind of denominations, parachurch churches. Here is his observation is he's been around the country in the last 40 years. On any given day, three fourths of all churches ministry is significantly reduced because of nonproductive and destructive conflict. He also said that conflict is so severe in one fourth of those churches that the conflict has to be reduced before the church can solve or do 75% of the churches in America are spending in morning energy doing what any finding in a 4000 can you get out of the blocks because they are so inwardly focused at each other's throats. Does that sound just like the opposite of what Jesus prayed about what it takes hard work it takes everyone involved. It takes a non-negotiable.

We will take it to the limit attitude about disunity but don't tolerate. See that's an issue of the will. That's where it starts when there's disharmony in relationships in the body of Christ. One of the options is not letting second embrace conflict is normal and unavoidable. John 1633, Jesus promised us in the world will have tribulation why it's a fallen world.

There's your flesh. There's my flesh where multiple differences in the enemy's number one agenda is what divide and conquer.

Conflict is normal.

Learn to deal with it, embrace it and grow from it back the matter is, is that of times when I've grown the most is been the worst conflict in my life.

Why get desperate, don't you like to confront people like to look at issues in my heart I want to deal with the things that you keep coming up in 1234 people tell you the same thing over period of years in is that old adage you know Bob has a problem with Sue Bott has a problem with Bill.

Bob has a problem with Barbara.

Bob has a problem with Sue again.

What's the problem Bob you there's there's certain little things just like a wheel in my life that keep coming back and I realize you know what the conflict is called me to look at this third be the initiator in conflict resolution. You say it was not my fault. The Scripture says doesn't matter whose fault is Matthew 524 says when you come to the altar to worship God in their remember your brother has something against you, go to your brother. Lay down your offering go make it right. Matthew 1815 says if your brother has offended you. If he sinned against you. What you go and if he listens to you when your brother in a word when it's perceived to be your fault. Take initiative. What is perceived to be their fault.

Take the initiative. If there's a problem take initiative, the body and the health of Christ Church is more important than whose right, who's wrong and who ought to apologize first we had people sit in an opposite end of the churches all over America for 10, 15, 50 years waiting for that other person come across islands like it was really my that's ludicrous.

That's carnality and it's sad.

Take the first step regardless of whose fault it's a sign of strength, not weakness, who took the first step with us and God, who had the problem who brought on the problem us who took initiative God who left heaven. Jesus why we had a problem. Conflict resolution became dealt with the conflict live the perfect life. Conflict resolution made an offer and whosoever would desire to come. You can come because he didn't like to figure out whose fault it was.

He knew that it was ours take initiative. Fourth deal with you before you deal with them. Luke 641 is classic passage about the speck in your eyes and the logging your brothers.

What I mean by this is, don't be impulsive. Own your part.

Even its quote in your mind 5% of this was made at 95% was bound okay tali, here's what were God says you own your 5% and you repent of your 5% and you go and tell them you're sorry for your 5% will will they then owned their 95%. I don't know that's not your responsibility is see. We don't we don't do it. God says because we were promised results we doing God says because he says get your perspective before you try and give it to someone else finally meet together ASAP and outline the issue. I do not tolerate right not to let disunity disarming up you can embrace it and say cause you to do something good can be painful, but I'm going do it.

I'm to take initiative you get a deal with you before you start to deal with in them and then meet together soon as possible. Here's what you do right.

You work on this I my 2 o'clock in the morning. I struggle with an issue and struggle with a very very close friend and was it was more ice all kind of some symptoms in the week before I talked to him and and he is of the personality and giftedness that when you mentioned some casually it's usually bang bang bang. I mean, the world happens and I was a week later in can quite figure it out when I learned he was kinda frustrated with his job and I was getting kinda frustrated with mine. I'm thinking what's what's the deal here and so here's what you do. First, the what calmly describe what you perceive the other person is doing to cause the problem and so I did.

I think there's a problem and I told him this is what I think you're doing to cause a problem. Second is that the house telling how it makes you feel and I told him I'm a man I'm frustrated I'm really frustrated that I learned. I think he was more frustrating to me. Then next the why tell why this is important to you and then the question. Notice what are we going to do to fix this is not I know it wasn't his problem or just a minor problem with them working together long time before the service I ask is it okay to share this It yeah there there's no emotional stuff here. We do this so often so forthrightly all the time. There's people to come into meeting and wearing a look at us like I think I'll catch you guys later. I mean it's just out there, why is he loves me.

He always tells me the truth and I try hard to tell him the truth is better that than I am so, so when I got how we can fix this power, we can fix this and then we we sat down we talked and he talked about what what is jobs doing to him and I talked about what my job is doing him and what his responsibilities in mind and how we look at this and what I think they ought to be and what he thinks they ought to be in than what we came to play yet. We need to address that and so then you encourage their response and feedback as someone said 50% of the time when you go to person. They didn't even know there's a problem. 30% of the time they're more than willing to work at. So 80% of the time when you go and talk with someone you can get a great response and then write down the desired action. This is a central step. After I stayed up you know all night.

Then I went to my little doughnut shop and I read my Bible when I prayed and I got a napkin I was to get better neck is very hard to write on and I wrote down what I thought the issue was. I wrote down every single thing and then I came up with specific game plan of what I thought we needed to address this issue for him and he and I are working away, it would be productive for the kingdom of God and he has some Sandy and me have Sandy as well and so I wrote it down and I gave it to him then set a specific time to revisit patterns don't happen overnight. Patterns are broken and so what I realized see you and I can give you all that stuff on this is that my first response to life and it's not going well. This will surprise some of you is anger because I seem like a really nice guy appear in on good days.

I am, and that's part of my personality just loves to be with people underneath that real nice person that likes to be with people. I'm on this test cannot rule hi D make it happen.

Here's the task, take the hill, what's the problem we agreed on this. There's little to do. Why are we doing enough. I learned I'm trying to say it and learn how to do that very very nice ways and so some of things are falling through the cracks. Will my first reactions on angry. So from 2 to 3 on angry from 3 to 4 and figuring out why by five I'm realizing you know what you who really has a problem. I'm asking him to see the big picture and do things for other staff members by 530. Why realizes I'm asking him to do what I am not doing for him. Guess where the problem landed right back in the center of my desk wasn't his problem is my problem is the lack of perspective of getting sucked into things. Who does he report to.

He reports to me. What's my job.

My job is to make sure that he does only the most important strategic things. I dropped the ball. I blew it.

I have to own it but you set a time so that you can address it. So Monday 1150 United to get together. I get a game plan. I'm thinking about networking to get together and we meet every Monday 1115 so that I keep my focus, and he keeps this. I have not done a good job of giving him what he needs to minister effectively. Finally, commitment by both sides to put the issue in the past. Once Saul.

We happen to get along really really well and so there's parts of this was a great example of the grid part of this example I like is actually followed. I did what you're supposed to do.

I was really happy about that.

Now, however, sometimes when it's really messy and there's not a lot of freedom and it's hard to speak the truth in love, you get it resolved and then you don't make this final commitment by both sides to put the issue in the past.

Once Saul what this means is you don't bring it up to others, you don't tell. I asked permission and because is not a problem any you don't bring up the people you have is probably not talking to her and we talked. We met none it's done you just don't tell anybody else. Secondly, don't bring it up to this person again if it's solved if it's behind you may meet. You may work through it. But in the heat of another argument. Don't pull out on your back will remember a time when you did none you let loose and that that's not that's foreign territory. And finally, here's the big one don't even bring it up in your own mind and your thinking and fantasizing it's done you.

You have power over what goes in your mind how you think and how you don't stop Lord, thank you. The enemy will come in and just stir that pot.

Stir that pot.

Stir that pot so you meet together you say what calmly describe the problem how it makes you feel why this is important and then the question, how are we going to fix this, you answer the question by encouraging their response.

Write down the desired action. What you gonna do set a specific time to follow up. So you do it and then make a commitment together. This is in the past. You got it. Number six is if resolution does not occur, follow the biblical guidelines of Matthew 18: to do is read. There's four steps in Matthew 18 you go to them you love them, you share your heart you do with the right attitude.

You go to a brother get a sister in Christ, and they basically State Farm you and say, face and sort of a nice run nice and white. If your brother sins against you. Step one. Go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.

Step one is personal confrontation. If he listens to you, you won your brother. It's over. You're done. Step two is small group confrontation if he will not listen, take one or two others so that every matter may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses, someone they respect someone they think subjective someone that actually is objectively be better and you go back and so you know we can get this resolved.

Unity is nonnegotiable in the body of Christ. And so and bring so-and-so and so-and-so that they can get in on this so that the data in the fact if it's my perception.

Here's what step three is, you take it to the church if they refuse to listen to them.

The small group tell it to the church and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or tax collector. That's hard.

That's how important unity is Psalm 133 one says how good and how pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity in your heart of hearts as I close, we you agree before God tonight to address the relationship issue. The God is brought to your mind or this message. Think it through this week but commit to live in harmony with one another, listening to Living on the Edge with chips good to be back with a final thought about this message and just how to resolve conflict in relationships is one of five messages in chip series relationships under pressure. Keeping it together when the world falling apart. If the pain of relationships that just start working is getting the better of you are to find practical biblical answers in the series. If you're ready to get on the solution side of relationship problems relationships under pressure has the wisdom you need to take a closer look. Order order the set of messages just tap special offers on the app or visit us online at will trip the last several weeks have been pretty crazy around here is we scrambled to adjust to people being home and isolated we changed our broadcast schedule. We created a new online video course on relationships. We work very hard to figure out how best to help people through this unusual, difficult season. It's been a challenge, but we've seen amazing things happen every yeah Dave.

We did something called loaded home where I did a daily discipleship.

We created something that allowed people to get closer relationally during mealtime and have conversations that really matter. We created a brand-new series about relationships that were in right now knowing that there fractured in their hurting, but it does cost money, and so I would just like to ask those people who have benefited.

Would you be willing to prayerfully support us right now. It's a very, very important time. Would you give financially. I do understand there are some who can't and we totally get that.

But I do need to ask those of you who believe in what were doing to see how God has used it to step in right now and actually today make a decision and make a financial gift that would be extraordinarily helpful and allow us to keep ministering the way God leads. Thanks so much.

All of partnering with Living on the Edge is an idea that makes sense to you. We'd love to have you join us. There are several ways to give a gift Listeners just tap the donate button and radio or podcast listeners can give a gift online at give a one-time gift order set up a recurring donation and were always available by phone at 1-888-333-6003. Thanks for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do without her strip with his application.

Few things we could discuss are as important as living in harmony with one another so as we do. I want to walk through the outline that you just heard and I want you to ask God as I go over this by way of reminder do you need to put any of this in practice. How do we restore harmony in relationships. One refused to tolerate disunity as far as it depends on you. Number two embrace conflict as normal and unavoidable. Let's not procrastinate. Let's not delegate it does not rationalize. Let's embrace it. It's normal.

We got a deal with that third being the initiator in conflict resolution. Let's get off this world whose fold. It's her fault, you'll wait for them, come talk to me hey it affects the body deal with it.

Number four deal with you before you deal with them. Don't act impulsively on your part and then number five meet as soon as possible and outline the issue.

This is not something you put on the back burner.

This isn't something you deal with later conflict is like cancer, it will grow, it will multiply. It will destroy and is destroying the most important organization and organism on the earth. The body of Christ. There's a number of other specifics that I think are critical. This is one you might want to order if you're in the midst of a conflict relationship.

Want to get more from the tradition of Living on the Edge chips message notes contain the Scripture references questions and insight that will help you get the most out of every program. Best of all their absolutely free radio and podcast listeners will find chips message notes online at just click the broadcasts tab and app listeners find the same notes in an interactive version by tapping fill-in notes. Either way, there are a great way to follow along with chip as you listen until next time. The Steve really saying thanks for listening. this Edition of Living on the Edge

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