House or Home - Parenting Edition - Finding Hope for Single Parent and Blended Families, Part 2

Are you part of a blended family? Well, if you are, you know how difficult it is for two families to come together with kids from different backgrounds and different biological parents. I want you to know that I understand that. I'm a part of a blended family, and it's been difficult. But here's the hope.

It's also been great. And I want to share with you God's plan for blended families. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

We are a discipleship-driven ministry on a mission to encourage Christians everywhere to live like Christians. In just a minute, we'll wrap up our series, House Our Home, Parenting Edition. Today, Chip will continue encouraging blended families and single parents by passing along some much-needed advice and counsel for those struggling moms and dads. Also, let me encourage you to stick around after the teaching as Chip shares some deeper application for us to consider. Okay, go in your Bible to the book of Ruth for the second half of Chip's talk, Finding Hope for Single Parent and Blended Families.

Well, when you marry someone who is a single parent, you become a blended family. And Teresa will tell you, it took me a long time to pray through whether this is the right thing for me because I was scared to death. And I would just say a word to maybe ladies at this point. As I got to know Teresa, and I had all the flashing warning signs of when I met her, I thought, oh, I would like to get to know her. And then she came over to, I was a basketball coach at the time, and we did what we called a rally in the living room off of, did a campus ministry. And she came with these two little boys, you know, and the feet in the pajamas and little blue jammies. And I thought, oh, she's babysitting. And so I thought, you know, great, because I'd met her a couple times. And then I found out that they were her kids. And it was like, oh, you know, this is, if you're a single mom, this is what happens to men when they find out you have kids.

And so I just said, you know, I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship, but I know I'm not ready to be a dad. And so it was about a two, two and a half year journey. And I will tell you the thing that made the difference. It was her walk with God. I mean, I certainly had dated other people, and other people were pretty too, et cetera. But there was a depth and a quality. When she talked about God, it was like he was in the next room. And I came from a different background and had a lot more of the Bible and sort of things memorized. But she knew God's heart like I didn't. And I realized God gave me the courage to take that step.

And he gave me a love for those kids and then, of course, just blessed beyond my wildest dreams. But it was, in fact, the very first time I asked her out. And you talk about surrender.

This is the test. I asked her out. And she said, oh, I'd really like to, but I'm busy. And I took that as a brush off. And I was very arrogant at that time.

And God's been working on that for many, many years. But from my perspective, don't you understand, I ask you out. You're not going to say yes to me. What's the deal here? And so I just remember feeling so rejected. And then this, like some little kid, I thought, well, I wonder what she's doing. So I drove my car past her house. And her car was there and the lights were on. And so I realized she didn't have any other commitment.

She just, it's real rejection, you know. And then I learned later from a girlfriend that a couple nights a week, Teresa would make a date with God. And she would play her guitar and sing and pray and read and would spend two or three hours with God. And she had that previous date with God and said no to me. I mean, after you prayed that long, you probably, I mean, if I was a lady, I'd think, you know, Lord, we got a date, but you know, we'll do it tomorrow night because I think this is the answer to the prayer maybe. She didn't. When I found that out, it was like lock and load. That's the woman I'm looking for.

Because see, I always dreamed of a woman that would put her relationship with Christ ahead of me because I knew if that was the case, we would have what I could never ever get on my own. And so that was our story. But I will say now let's talk about a blended family because I'd like to say we got married and the kids shortly after, it was just a few months, they jumped in my arms. We didn't have any problems. I became a wonderful father.

I knew what I was doing. The kids within weeks just said, hey dad, it's so good to be with you and they love me and hug me and none of that is true. In fact, as a preview before I tell you, you know, sort of the principles and practice for a blended family, what I will tell you, I can remember about five years into it and I have a mentor who's still a mentor and really a father figure to me. And it was about five years into it and still didn't have this connection with the boys.

I mean, I don't think they felt like anything was wrong. They never knew their biological father, but there's something in your soul that this connection that it still feels like they're her kids and you know, I'm the dad, but whatever this thing is where you're the dad, I didn't have it. And I remember driving out in the country where he lived and talking to him and really struggling and I remember him saying, you know what, just don't rush it. Bonds form over time.

You weren't there when they're early. Just don't rush it, you know, in due time, you know, God will work. And then he said something that was real perspective giver. It was, you know, you need to accept because I think I can tell you when it was, I think it was shortly after the birth of our first son because there was a something special bond I had with my biological son and I was seeing the distance. And I remember he looked at me and said, you can be a great dad, but you might not ever have exactly the same relationship. Doesn't mean you'll love him less, doesn't mean you'll be less committed, but there may be a difference and you need to recognize that might be a part of your future.

Because I was feeling guilty and I was feeling bad about and then I was longing for that connection. Let me give you some things that we know and then I'll get very pragmatic of what we can do. Number one, blended families rarely if ever blend. It's a misnomer. One author, Dennis Rainey, he actually forces people to talk about being a stepfather or a stepmother because he says the idea of blending sets these expectations.

They're complex. You're not going to be the Brady Bunch. It's not yours, mine and ours. It's not like putting all these people in a blender and then you pour out this spiritual, wonderful, emotional smoothie. The fact of the matter is that there's all kind of issues and it doesn't mean it can't be good, it doesn't mean it can't be wonderful, it doesn't mean God won't really work, but if you go into it thinking we're a blended family, we're going to get in the Holy Spirit mixer and we're going to be this happy family because part of it when you're longing for that person, if you have kids or if you both have kids and you're longing and God draws you together, then it's like, oh, it's going to be wonderful.

And as high as those expectations are, when it's not so wonderful, then you think it's worse than it really is. So blended families rarely ever really fully blend. Second, every family is a relational system and when one part of a relational component of the system changes, it has a domino effect.

And we don't get this. So in other words, let's take it, I'm a man and I have kids and I get married and praise God, this woman comes into my life and I think this is wonderful. And let's say my kids are eight or nine and I have a daughter who's 13. And they've been praying with me and we've been going to church together and I'm this single father and this woman comes in and they're excited. Well, then we get married and yeah, yeah, rah, rah, you know, my daughter's even in the wedding and then we all move in together and in the first month, my daughter realizes that special place I had with my dad is gone.

It got filled. My boys are happy for this new woman but she's kind of different at home than when they were dating. And all of a sudden, some of that, my dad needed me.

He doesn't need me in the same way. That sets off a chain reaction of dominoes in the hearts of those kids. And so, and it's, and then parents, you know, parents do stuff like this. Love each other. Here's your new mom. You've known her for three months. Everything's going to be great. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss. Say you love your mother.

Okay. When a new person, a great person, a godly person enters the system, the dominoes change. The same is happening, you know, if you have a, you know, you're a woman and a man comes into your world. Your relationship with your kids change. Their relationship with one another changes.

A man comes in. One of your kids connects pretty easily with the man. One of them doesn't.

The man spends a little bit more time and attention and affirmation here. Now this one feels rejected. Are you getting it? You got a whole new family system that's operating and often blended families are super naive and they super spiritualize. Well, God will make it happen.

You know, Holy Spirit does. Everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay with a lot of hard work, a lot of intentionality, a lot of dependency and a lot of recognition that this is going to be very, very tough and you need to get inside your kid's skin and know what's going on. It gets even more difficult if you both have kids because now you have kids relating to kids. So now the parents are connecting pretty well and now you've got a problem between, you know, kid two over here and kid three over here. Do you understand that this is really hard, difficult, complex and so honestly it rarely, I'm just giving you the facts.

This is what we know. It rarely works well or easily and a significant high percentage of blended families fail. Success requires, underline the word extreme, extreme effort, time, intentionality and then circle the phrase outside help. Chances are you try and do this without some good outside help and whether that's a pastor, mature friends or a quality Christian counselor, the probability that you, because you can't be objective, you can't see, you can't know what you don't know and so it requires that. So what must you do?

Number one, count the cost thoroughly. For some that's a little bit late. For others thinking about you're dating someone, count the cost thoroughly. That mentor that I spoke of, wife died very suddenly and very young and after nine years he remarried and he remarried someone that was not way, way younger but significantly younger that had a couple kids and you know one was going into college and the other was like in junior high.

Well guess what? I mean the relationship here is great. He realized and they are currently related, the biological father who left her and had an affair and then married the person who had the affair. I mean this is kind of normal life right?

The way life works now. Well you know the younger son really accepted him, the older son. I mean it was like three years before there was the beginning of a connection and he realized I can't play the dad role. There's a different role here. I can't play the dad of a 17 year old young man who connects with his dad.

So I just want you to hear, count the cost. Second, get premarital counseling from a mutually trusted and biblical wise resource and I would add postmarital. Get premarital and postmarital counseling and notice the adjectives from a mutually trusted.

Don't take them to someone, you know my wife's really having struggles with all this and one of her kids, you need to come meet my counselor or my, you know, it needs to be someone that you both agree is going to help you and you need to work through expectations which are usually way off. You need to work through specific finances, that's a point of real tension and everything I've listed here, the more you do before you get married in a blended family, the better. The less you do, just the harder it is.

It can still work. I mean remember, remember the story of Ruth, remember the story of Naomi, remember God with him, his arm isn't too short, he can do anything but when you start working through these things, a lot of people feel frustrated, why did I get into this, I can't believe this. As one guy told me recently, he goes, I'm a blended family, I sleep downstairs, I'm in my library, I have my kids, she has hers, we live in the same house, we're both Christians, it's a mess.

God doesn't want that but it happens often. You need to talk through the impact on each child. Kids aren't like this group, your kids, my kids, this little group, every one of those kids has specific responses in different seasons of their life. You need to agree on parenting goals, discipline and have a common front with the kids. This is really difficult. We'll talk in just a second about the priority. If your kids know that they can pressure you all to get their parent biological to stand against your new mate, you're done.

You're done. I mean and kids are smart and they're selfish little critters. Cute as can be, selfish little critters and they will try and wedge in between you and your new mate and you will feel this overwhelming guilt because the fact is, depending on the age, you've had eight years with this child and five months with this man. Or 16 years with this child and two years with this man and now it's a big issue and where's your allegiance and where's your loyalty? It really matters and it matters that you leave, cleave and become one flesh and part of that leaving that's painful is you got to leave those kids.

They become number two, a very important number two for their health. And then not on your notes but establish appropriate roles based on age of kids and involvement or lack of it by the biological parents. This gets super complex but in some cases, in my case, I think I had the easiest role of a blended family ever. My boys never knew ever their biological father. When I applied for adoption, he not only didn't show up, he didn't respond in papers, he didn't give a rip. And I'll be honest with you, amen.

I mean it made it very easy. It's a lot different when you're carting kids back and forth and you have shared this and shared that and you got finances involved and people are laid and they're passive aggressive and they're saying things to your kids over here and you come back together. I mean I don't want to overestimate how complex, difficult, painful and chaotic it can be but I don't want to underestimate it. And so you need to understand if you're the mother, I'm never going to be the mommy to these kids or the older ones that will never happen. With the younger one, maybe it's going to be different. So you got to ask yourself, what's my role as the new person in this family going to be based on age, their connection with their biological family, how close they are, how often they relate, whether it's a positive relationship or a negative relationship.

Then we get real specific. Make your mate your new, unequivocal, number one relationship ahead of your children and put a star by this one. Blundant families don't work because this doesn't happen. You leave, you cleave. You two matter more than you and your kids and man that is hard and that is super hard. But your kids will never be secure unless that's true and your marriage will never be the glue that God wants unless that's true.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll get you back to our series House or Home Parenting Edition in just a minute. But before we do, parents, are you looking to better engage your kids on a spiritual level? Then stick around after the message as Chip highlights a few digital resources we've created that will equip you to lead your kids well and deepen their relationship with God.

You won't want to miss it. Okay, let's get back to today's message. Number four, develop a weekly communication tool and mechanism to wrestle family conflicts, schedules, and miscommunication to the ground in a non-threatening, grace-filled way. If there's anything that's going to make it not only difficult but impossible for this to be successful, it's all the lack of communication.

And so this is where you get outside help. I know Teresa and I, one of the reasons we needed marriage counseling early, we didn't know how to communicate, we didn't know about our past, we didn't know about backgrounds. We got a communication tool called a conference, three little questions. Two or three times a week early in our marriage, we sat down for anywhere from 20 minutes to 45 or an hour, what are you concerned about, what do you wish, what are you willing to do?

What are you concerned about, what do you wish, what are you willing to do? One person asks the question, the other person can't talk. And we got all that stuff out without attacking each other. And we got to talk about things when we weren't hurt or rejected or arguing about them. So, I mean, two or three times a week, later we got it to about once a week.

Now, we don't even use those questions but they're so ingrained, that's how we communicate. And if we're, you know, times when you have that little tilt in your relationship, you know something's not really wrong, but you don't feel the connection, it's just ironic, often Teresa will just be in the car and she goes, so what are you concerned about? Or I'll do that to her. And what I'll realize is what we're doing is, hey, you know what, let's get back to the ABCs. So, go.

Then when she gets done, well, what are you concerned about? But what do you wish? And it doesn't have to be serious. I wish we could go to Hawaii, I wish our kids would, and you know, I wish we could pay all the bills.

I wish, I wish, because you know what happens with that little conference? Without attacking one another, you hear your mate's biggest burdens, you hear their greatest dreams, and then the last little question, what are you willing to do? You don't, well, the rule is you don't have to do anything. But if you want to, after hearing all the things that are weighing them down, and all the things that put wind in their sails, you can reach over and say, I'm willing to take that burden off you, or I'm willing to, and you don't have to. Often, you know, when we were going through a really hard time, I'm willing to have another conference later on. I didn't know what, you know, why say stuff you're willing to do? And you know, the problem with me is I said I'd do it, I wouldn't follow through, so I'm not promising anything else.

I've blown it enough times, I don't want to get set up for failure again. But we started to communicate, and you've got to have a weekly communication tool. Number six, make the spiritual development of your marriage and family the most utmost priority. Only God and supernatural love can make this work. You don't have that apart from your vital union with Christ in the context of a strong, loving, biblical community. So the spiritual development, I don't mean just your kids go to church, I don't mean they just get off to youth group, I mean the spiritual development of your marriage and the spiritual development of your family. Everything that we've talked about in this series, whether that's time in the scriptures, whether that's fun, whether that's building relationships that bond, whether that's saying here's we're going to have a clear-cut goal, whether that's sending love and limits, but I mean whether it's praying together as a couple, the spiritual development of your kids has to be, if you can get that priority, I'll tell you all the other dominoes of the relationships, and here's the deal, sometimes it'll take a few years.

You know, a 13-year-old boy got thrown into a family with an 11-year-old girl, and they hate each other. You think they'll never like each other, but you just keep going down the path and you keep modeling, this is what Christ is, here's the boundaries, we don't treat each other that way, affirm, affirm. Two, three, four years later, you watch these closed flowers begin to open up, and you watch God do a miracle. But if you have a short fuse, if you think this is happening overnight, if you think that God's going to sprinkle that Holy Spirit dust and it's going to be great, easy, and early, you'll probably bail out. Number seven, remember it will take time, it will be harder than you thought, and it can be a glorious testimony of God's restoration and redemption. Now, if you've had the sense that, boy, he's really talking about how hard this is, and by the way, on a few of your faces, I can tell you have blended families, and some of you are looking at me like, dude, you're right, it is hard. It's really hard.

And I knew, here's the deal, I knew it would be hard, I just couldn't imagine it could be this hard. But what if the arm of the Lord isn't too short? What if you don't bail out? What if you don't cave in? What if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other?

What if you take your vows absolutely seriously? What if you learn supernaturally to love a kid that down deep in your heart, and you can't say this to your mate? You think that's the most evil little punk you've ever seen in your life, and what you'd really like to do is strangle them instead of be their dad or their mother. Now, those feelings and emotions come. Okay, that's reality.

I mean, that is reality. And so what you have to do, you have to forgive them. You have to give them what they don't deserve. You've got to bless those who curse you. You have to say, Jesus, Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.

And you trust that the word of God and the power of God is going to reshape that life. I could tell you story after story of my kids, and I had a son that was so timid and so afraid from how he grew up the first four and a half or five years. The doorbell would ring, and this tiny, skinny little premature boy would run and find Teresa and then stick his head right in the back of her knee. Now, I took them out. I mean, they're like six years old.

They're boys, and there's a slide about this guy. I can't do that. I can't do that. I can't do that.

Yeah, you can, you know. They needed a dad, and they went down with me. And now I look at that. He couldn't take a risk. The same kid, when he was 10, I put skates on him. You can't come back in. I'd like taped them on so he couldn't take them off. He wouldn't try anything new. He told me, I don't want to learn to ride a bike.

Well, guess what, kid, you know. And he needed pushed and pushed and pushed. That same kid just opened his own physical therapy clinic, took a risk in a bad market, now hiring other physical therapists. He's a confident young man, but it took decades.

It took a couple decades. Push, push, love, love. Push, push.

It got to work. But you're signing up for one of the most difficult tasks on the face of the earth, but the testimony, the glory of God that can be revealed, and He will make you more like Christ than you ever wanted to be. Okay? Because that's what suffering does. That's what loving people who don't love you back do. That's what, this is not what I signed up for, but this is what I got. And by the way, once you say I do, don't go down that, I don't think this was the right person. When you said I do, he became the right person instantaneously. It is the will of God, and He'll give you all you need.

So don't start buying that, I think I should have married this person. That line of thinking will take you very, very bad ungodly places. I want you to know He promises in James 1, 2 to 4, to consider it all joy when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith will produce endurance and let endurance have its perfecting or maturing result that you might be lacking in nothing.

And what He'll do is He will reward and bring results beyond your wildest estimation. My blended family verse, I've used this for more than one thing, but again, it's Hebrews 10, 36. For you have need of endurance so that once you've done the will of God, you might receive what is promised. Endurance, the Greek word is hupo meno, hupo to be under, meno, pressure or stress. And under pressure or stress, some of you guys and gals work out, and you actually take pressure and stress about three times a week, and you put it on your back on purpose. And you start out with some light weights, and what it does is it actually tears the muscle fibers. And the reason you don't do it every day is it keeps tearing the muscle fibers.

But if you do it every other day and you eat and drink some protein, those muscle fibers get torn, and then when they heal, they heal back bigger. And what those are called are strength. And just how God does that with our physical bodies, when you endure hupo, meno, attitudes, difficulty, problems, expectations, what happens is you wake up five years later. Ten years later, a stronger, more godly person than you'd ever dreamed. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard, Finding Hope for Single Parent and Blended Families, is from our series, House or Home, Parenting Edition. Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. In this ten-part series, Chip provided practical and biblical wisdom for moms and dads at every stage of parenthood. He shared his personal experiences as a father to help you guide your children to become God-honoring adults. Whether you are a new parent or a grandparent, we pray that this series has been valuable and encouraging for you. I hope you'll go back and revisit this series, either through livingontheedge.org or the Chip Ingram app. Before we go on, Chip's here in studio with a quick word.

Thanks, Dave. Before I come back with some final thoughts on today's message, let me just say something obvious. Being a parent right now, being a mom, a dad, especially a single parent, I think it's harder than it's ever been. And in our desire, you know my passion is to make disciples and see people become Romans 12 Christians that raise kind of Romans 12-type kids. I want you to know I understand how hard it is, and we want to help you. And so to help accomplish that goal, we've developed three specific resources. They're absolutely free, they're digital, that will allow you to really invest in their spiritual development. First is our Field Kit for Parenting. It outlines seven key practices for godly parenting. This tool's going to help you as a mom or a dad understand your role, your parenting style, and then highlight some practical ways in that touchy area of biblical discipline. Next is what we call Mealtime Conversations for Families. This will encourage you to set some times of family around the dinner table and give you some wholesome topics to spark conversation that goes first kind of fun and then deeper about the bigger issues of life. And lastly, the resource is How to Build Christian Character in Your Kids.

In it, you're going to learn how to instill the qualities in your children that help them become authentic disciples of Christ. There has never been a more important time for you to engage with your kids, and we want to help equip and support you in this very most important job as a mom, a dad, and especially as a single parent. Dave, could you let them know how to get a hold of these free resources? Be glad to, Chip. To learn more about any of these free digital parenting tools, visit SpecialOffersAtLivingOnTheEdge.org or the Chip Ingram app. We want to see families thrive and honor God, and that starts with moms and dads parenting well, and we believe these resources can help. So download them today by visiting SpecialOffersAtLivingOnTheEdge.org or the Chip Ingram app. Well, here again is Chip to share a final application for us to think about.

As we close today's program and wrap up this entire series, this is one that's near and dear to my heart. I've lived through this, and I gave some very specific, really biblical counsel, you know, counting the cost, get premarital counsel, get postmarital counsel. You have to make your mate the number one priority, and that's hard because you've been living with your kids probably for a while, and that's going to be hard for them. You have to develop some structures for your family to function in this new way, and then there's got to be some weekly communication tool.

Now, I went through a lot of very specific things. Here's what I know. It is super, super hard, and your chances of blending well on your own with the biases that you come with and your mate comes with are very low. Here's the translation. You're not going to do very well in your blended family unless you get help, and that may mean pastoral counseling help. That may mean another couple with a blended family. That may mean, I'm going to really deal with this. We're going to have family meetings once a week. We're going to pray together. I'm going to let the kids roll their eyes. I'm going to lead well. We're going to really learn to resolve conflict.

All those things take intentionality, structure, and a lot of perseverance and skill, and here's what I would say. Unless you do life with some other couples where you can process this and they're honest with you and you're honest with them, your blended family experience will probably stay pretty tough, and then people kind of go their separate ways, go in sort of their shells, and ten years from now, you're going to have people talking about what didn't work out, what never really got brought to the table, and where the wounds were. I will tell you, through all the pains and the bumps and the lumps, it is worth it.

I have, to this day now, four adult children, and we are all close. We don't have it all together. It took a lot of work and a lot of grace. Let me encourage you, do the work and receive the grace. Great way to wrap up this series, Chip. Thanks. Well, before we go, I want to remind you that the Chip Ingram app is an easy way to share messages or complete series with others. So whenever you're encouraged by what you hear, I hope you'll pass it along to a friend or loved one who will benefit from it, and be sure to tell them how it made a difference in your life. For Chip and the entire team here, this is Dave Druey, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us again next time.