Marriage that Works - What's a Man to Do?, Part 2

Men, if your family were a professional sports team and you were the coach, based on the relationships that you have with them right now, are you winning the conference title or are you languishing in the cellar? You know, as a dad, as a man, you want to have a great team as a family. If you want some help to be that great coach, stay with me.

That's today. Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. In this program, Chip picks up where he left off in our series, Marriage That Works. Last time, Chip gave some challenging advice for men to love and lead their families well. He's got more to share today, so to help you remember and apply this to your life, let me encourage you to download Chip's message notes. They contain his outline, Scripture references, and more.

Get them under the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org, tap listeners, tap fill in notes. We'll go in your Bible now to Ephesians chapter five for part two of Chip's talk, What's a Man to Do? Husbands hold the primary responsibility for the spiritual development and protection of their families. In most homes, that's usually the woman. I mean, when you think about who's really spiritual in most homes, it's the woman.

Now, this isn't men that we do it all. Notice its primary responsibility for the spiritual development and protection of their families. The role is you're the family priest. Have you ever thought of yourself like that? Most of us don't even know what a priest is.

The responsibility of a priest is very simple. He takes the needs of the people, my wife's needs, her hurts, her fears, her struggles. She went through this when she was a child. One of my kids' needs, one of my struggles here, this one, I take all those needs. Lord, you know where my wife's been and how she's been wounded, how she's been hurt, and I don't know how to figure it out, and I want to love her. Will you show me what to do?

God, you know that if we could, you know, my son doesn't have this, would you please help me? God, I feel, and you take their needs, and then you sit quietly and you read his word, he gives you wisdom, and you take the wisdom and the love of God, and you become his representative, and you both speak into and make time and love and be the life of Christ. Be the life of Christ to your wife and your kids.

That's my job. I'm the CFO, or the bank president, and I'm the priest. And a priest role has about five practical outworkings, and one is I set the pace personally. It's a person that's surrendered to God and separate from the world's values and has an honest, sober self-assessment.

You serve in love, and you supernaturally respond to evil with good. That's all of Romans 12. And so I'm going to set the pace. What I know is my kids are not going to grow up and be young men and young women that love God's word unless they see their dad doing it.

They're not going to pray unless they see their dad doing it. They're going to drive the way I drive. What's going to come out of their mouth is what comes out of my mouth when I'm angry or when I'm hurt. They're probably going to watch the same kind of stuff that I allow into my mind. And so I've got to set the pace. Perfect?

No. You know what they also need to learn is, what do you do when you really mess up? They need to see me apologize to my wife when I blow it in an outburst of anger.

They need, when I say something in my line of work, I set it out in front of the whole church, and as has happened in my life, Hey, Dad, you know what? I was there. I don't think that story really was exactly what happened. Well, don't you think it was close?

I don't think God wants close. Do you, Dad? No, but it sure made a better story. Yeah, I know. And you know what? I've had to tell my kids, not that like I lied, but I sort of, in the glory of the moment, I sort of exaggerated on that one.

You know what? As my kids came up, that only happens a handful of times you realize I'm not going there anymore. I don't think I probably have to improve on what God's doing. But you know how many, that's what you, you model that.

So you set the pace. You know the spiritual condition of your wife and your children. One of my sons, you know, those of you that are dads, you need to know the spiritual condition of your kids. How are they doing? What's in their heart? What are their struggles? What are they afraid? Are they slipping into something? Who are their friends? What's going on?

I have permission to share this. My youngest son was, I think, probably early high school, was a freshman. And I mean, this kid had this heart for God. He'd get up in the morning since he was 10 and read the Bible, led all of his volleyball team to Christ, led worship.

I mean, he just looked like he was just doing great, and I just assumed he was doing great. And I had a guy come over to my house who was our IT guy and fixed something on my computer, and he worked up the courage and said, Chip, I really need to talk with you. And I said, Well, yeah, about what? Well, do you have a porn issue? I said, I got plenty issues.

That's just not one of them. And he said, Well, there's stuff on your computer in sites. You know, I checked the history and I'm thinking, OK, I got Ryan, who's a freshman in high school, and Annie, who's six. And, you know, I'm. And so it was, Hey, Ryan, how are you really doing? Ryan, you know, this is. A friend at church came and looked on our computer, and it's not me.

No, no, no, no. And then he just, the scene in my mind right now, I can tell him in the shadow of the doorway of our bedroom, and he just exploded into your, Dad, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

It started about a year ago, and some girls in baby suits came up, and then it led me to another site. And now I plan when you're not home, and I can't wait to get home, and I know there's an addiction. I feel so terrible. And I mean, he wept in bitter remorse, and we set some boundaries and some consequences, and we got on that journey together. He later went to college and knows it's always a sensitive issue for him and shared it with the guys on his floor at a Christian school. Half of the young men on his floor at his Christian school said, Oh, that's me right now.

So Ryan started a Bible study and helped them get out of that stuff. But, Dad, you see what a man is? You're a priest. You ask your kids, you know, and, you know, you know that something you have as a man inside, you know, like your daughter's dating this guy, and there's just something inside that says he seems really nice, but there's an Eddie Haskell quality about him. You know what I mean? Trust your gut.

I mean, trust your gut and just look at it. Hey, what's going on here? If there's a guy hanging out and you see your kid's attitude start to change, you're the man.

Guess what? I've had, you can't play with that kid anymore. Dad, Dad, no, no, no.

It's done. You can't date that girl. I meet Christian parents all the time.

I'm getting off here a little bit, but I'm sorry. I meet Christian parents all the time that'll say, Well, my daughter's dating this guy and he's not a Christian. He's not very healthy environment, but I'm so afraid if I tell her she can't date him, she'll rebel. Hey, she is rebelling. Let her get mad at you. Be the dad. She can cry with her mom.

No, the answer is no. Well, she might do this. She might do that. I'll tell you what's going to happen. Her heart's going to get connected. It's going to go in very bad places. She's going to drift away from God.

Her theology will change because she will have to change her view of God to fit her lifestyle and you'll lose your daughter. Confront it. Love her. Care for her.

Tell her she matters more. And the same with your sons. They don't just drift out of that.

Well, maybe we'll save them. Your son or daughter is not a missionary servant for the gospel to recruit people through unhealthy relationships to come to Christ. For every one of those, there's 20 of them where they don't come around your direction. Your son or daughter goes their direction. So pray with them and for them regularly. Use meals and bedtime and informal times in the car. Ensure biblical instruction occurs at home. These are just objectives. Doesn't mean you do it all.

I mean, you team up together. It's my job as a dad, if my kids are not getting biblical instruction, that's my deal. Doesn't mean I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do part of it.

My wife's going to do part of it. I'm thankful for the church and what they do. But Jesus is not going to show up and say, Chip, how did the church do at instructing your children biblically or even the Christian school? This strange idea that he's thinking, I'm the dad.

He made me responsible for my son and my daughter, not the school. And so I need to make sure, are they getting it and what's going on? And by the way, this last one here is make experiencing God and loving each other the aim, not morality. Please, if guys, if you're hearing, oh, my gosh, I've got to become this Bible-aholic and OK, everybody sitting around the table and I'm going to be the dad and boring, boring, boring Bible, Bible, Bible, strict, strict, strict, jerk, jerk, jerk. They don't need that.

I've seen that. They don't need that. They need life and love and joy and experience and and seeing what it makes a difference in your life. They my daughter and I, you know, we would go to church. Well, I believe families go to church together.

Personal conviction. I mean, junior high, high school. My kids came home from college. We all would hang together Saturday night, go to church, usually go out to dinner, talk, laugh. I'd get criticized.

I'd like to do that after my messages in a good way. And then Sunday mornings, they all went to different classes and most of my kids served. They served.

That's where you get it. What do I get out of serving? I get more of God. You can sit and soak, but you experience God when you serve.

And so they would all serve. And then on Sunday mornings, my daughter and I go out to breakfast. There's a little bagel place, had really good coffee, and I would take my notes. And I usually had two or three people give me feedback on Saturday night and what I needed to change. And so I would be changing my notes. And I remember one Sunday morning, I said, Hey, Annie, what do you think would make my sermon better? Oh, dad, it was really long at the beginning. It's pretty boring. OK. And then I took my notes.

I gave them to her and actually she would kind of draw pictures on her notes and make a few. I said, What about under here? Dad, it's Abercrombie and Finch. No, no. I don't know what you said, but you really blew it. And everyone who was a teenager knew you had no idea what you're talking about. OK. And from that time on, every Sunday morning, we had fun. We ate together. And then pretty soon she would bring her Bible and read and I would review my message. And then we put cool in the gang on. The cassette is still in my car.

I mean, for 10 years. Celebrate good times. And she would sing one part and I'd sing the other.

And we'd be like this in the car driving to church, singing out loud with cool in the gang. You know, my daughter, I wanted to experience God, not some stuffy religious home. I wanted to know that she mattered.

Her opinions matter. We're in the Bible together. We're going to have an awesome life.

We're going to have tons of fun. And I will tell you, guys, it's because you invest and structure in and you'll never be sorry. Oh, I wish I would have worked more.

Oh, I wish I would have made just a little bit more money. Oh, I wish she just had a nicer prom dress. I will tell you what, what she wants is your heart.

She wants your time. And so these core values are dependency evidenced by prayer and fasting. And you want to teach faith in God and his word. And it's not the activities. These are the values service and the outreach orientation where you go on a mission strip together. You go out in the neighborhood together or you go to the inner city together.

You do a faith promise thing as a family and then a progressive growth in holiness. Let me just say something, guys. This is men with kids.

All right. This is where the man don't turn the page. Ladies turn the page. Doesn't matter. I'm talking to guys.

If there's one area that is so hard to do. That you need to just like I call it men with chess. What comes into your home on the video? What movies you get from Netflix or you rent? What video games they play?

What friends they have? As a man or woman or teenager thinks in his heart, so they will become. And the scripture says, whatever is true, whatever is lovely, whatever is right, whatever is honorable, if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. And David would pray, I will put no vile thing before my eyes. Men, if we don't do it, won't get done. There are certain things that you say we don't do in our house.

That movie at that level, with that violence, with that sex, we don't. Well, all my friends can. I'm not one of your friends. I'm your dad. And the other area is not just, you know, there's some friends you say, I will tell you, you show me your kids' friends, I'll show you your kids' future. Period. You show me what they watch.

They watch certain movies and spend all their times with their thumbs killing people for hours on end. I will tell you what you're going to reap. You're going to reap exactly what you're sowing. And dads, and this gets sensitive, when your girls are preteen and they're teenagers and the styles go this direction, and you as a man, and it's very uncomfortable, and sometimes your wife is almost as naive, sorry ladies, and you watch your daughter ready to walk out and she has these pants that come down to about here and a midriff that comes out like this, and she's got her little push-up bra and it's cut down to about here. She looks like this and she's ready to walk out. And she's just trying to be in style and look cute and cool. And you're thinking to yourself, you know what she's sending the message, you know what young men look at, and you know exactly what that message is, and it's the farthest thing from that 13 or 14 year old girl's mind. Some man with a chest needs to say, honey, I do not know where you got that outfit, go change, let's talk. I want to have a heart to heart about how boys' minds work, what they think and what you're communicating, and why that's not acceptable here. And you know who needs to do that? Dad, with the support of mom. You need to help your daughters be modest, attractive, stylish, yes.

And a lot of times the reason they dress like that is they're getting a lot more attention out there from young boys than from the man in the house that needs to non-sexually touch them and care for them and tell them they're beautiful. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll be back to continue our series, Marriage That Works, in just a minute. But let me quickly tell you, we are more than a broadcast ministry. We're passionate about supporting pastors globally, developing helpful resources, and sharing the gospel with this next generation.

So if you'd like to partner with us in these areas, go to livingontheedge.org. Well, here again is Chip. Now you can turn the page.

Husbands hold the primary responsibility for relational health, the welfare of their families. That means that you're the coach. You know, just recently, these sports teams, things go down. There's a new head to the franchise, right? Player personnel, the draft, the money, season tickets.

We've got to get luxury boxes. There's someone that's in charge. You're the head of the franchise. And you come into a failing franchise, and you own it, and you realize you've got to manage this thing. You men are the head of the franchise of your home. In my house, I'm the head of the Ingram franchise. I need to manage that. So what my role is, I'm the GM or the coach. I'm to manage the household in a manner that produces love, obedience, and respect toward God and one another.

That's my job. I've got to manage this thing where people speak the truth in love, where they care for one another, where there's respect. And so the practical outworkings, the marriage covenant is verbalized and celebrated. I have one friend who actually got his kids when they were old enough to understand, and all their friends were getting divorced.

He got a big, thick dictionary, had his kids get around the table, and took one of those Sharpie knives, and they opened to the word divorce, read what it was, and took it and cut it out of the dictionary and said, in our home, we want you to know that word's not in the dictionary, and it won't be in our vocabulary. Second thing is your kids, take this in the right way, they need to see you smooch more. I mean, they need to feel like, hey, I mean, my kids, when they're young, oh, Dad, it embarrasses them.

I've got news for you, I still think Mom's hot. And it doesn't end after the honeymoon. And every area of our life is alive and moving. I want my kids, when they see and feel that, you know what they get? They get this idea that I think it's secure here, because they seem to really like to be with each other. Time is scheduled to develop marriage and family relationships.

And this is where you just, you know, get out your iPad, get out whatever you use, get your mobile device. Okay, the date for my wife's going to be like this, my time with my kids is like this. Three times a week, I'm going to do a meal with them.

Saturday mornings, I'm going to do this. I mean, you just plan it in, man. You're a ranger, you're a Navy SEAL, guess what? There's certain training you got to do. You got to run certain laps, you got to lift certain times. There's certain things you've got to get in your schedule if you're going to climb that mountain, and that's one of them. The structure and boundaries are provided to ensure family relationships take priority over outside demands. And you just got to structure, you can't slide into the multiple youth sports or slide into work, work, work.

You just structure life to say our relationships, our family is more important than ballet, piano, and three youth sports all in one season. But dad, but dad, and you know what, guys, here's what you got to get. You're the bad guy, okay, be the bad guy.

Be the bad cop that everyone loves five or ten years later. This idea that, oh, I don't want conflict. What you don't want is heartache and regret.

Conflict is normal, and someone steps up and says, we're going to do this, we're not going to do that. You can play one sport, and after that we're going to take a break. And by the way, just because all your friends have decided lacrosse along with soccer, along with basketball, along with, my land, some of your garages have thousands of dollars of youth equipment. And you've been eating in drive-throughs thinking you're going to deprive your kids of four or five nights out of the week you're not zooming all around to fulfill their what? Sit around a table, go in the backyard, love them, play a youth sport, balance your life. And if it fits in with your agenda and your family and your goals, great. And if it doesn't, they'll get over it, and they'll love you later.

Boy, you guys are looking at me very seriously. Communication is built into the fabric and rhythm of the family schedule. And then finally, consequences are exercised fairly, firmly, lovingly among all family members. And see, the heart of this is these core values. It means that there's acceptance and affirmation and accountability.

And here's really what I'm saying, guys. You play with them. You make time for your wife. You be a man of God. You pray.

You affirm. You say, this is the kind of man I'm going to be. I'm going to take the assignment from Moses. I'm going to take the assignment, and I'm going to say, I may make less money, and I'll have a great marriage. My kids may be disappointed now, but we'll have a tight family. Your daughters, your sons, your future marriage, or your future mate.

And I'd like to say, ladies, you are so amazing, and we'll talk about some help for you next week. Every organization rises and falls with leadership. The greatest need in the church, the greatest need in the family, and the greatest need in America is for men to be men, leaders and lovers.

And for them to assume the financial responsibility, the spiritual development, and the relational welfare. And it's in you. Do I understand you don't know how to do it?

I didn't either. And I'm still on the journey. You get these tools, and you realize you can't do it alone. And so you say, man, did you hear that guy? Yeah, I think Ingram's on drugs.

Yeah, I know, but I think he's right. You want to do this? Yeah, me too. Man, I'm afraid to do this if I fail them. I'm even afraid to, I don't want to tell my wife I'm going to do this because she'll start getting her hopes up.

I've tried this a couple other times, right? And ladies, what you need to do is just say, you know what, give it a whirl. I'm behind you. I'm not going to criticize you. Can you imagine what would happen if the men in this room said, this is my God-given assignment, and I'm going to have to get in shape. I have to get focused.

I've got to get some other guys to watch my back. But I'll tell you what, I'm going to have a great marriage, and I'm going to be a great dad, and I'm going to be a great Christian. And I don't know what I'm doing, but I think God will honor those desires, and I will pay whatever price, and I will fall, and I'll get back up, and I'll fall, and I'll get back up.

And I believe that God's looking for a few good men like me. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and the message you just heard, What's a Man to Do, is from our series, Marriage That Works. Well, Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Are you looking to strengthen your marriage or lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship in the future? In this ten-part series, you'll get helpful marital advice through Chip's study in Ephesians, Chapter 5.

Discover the biblical basics to creating and maintaining a deep, intimate bond with your spouse. If you've missed any part of this series, Marriage That Works, catch up through the Chip Ingram app or at livingontheedge.org. Well, Chip's joined me in studio now, and Chip, as you know, we're an international teaching and discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. But you know, many of our listeners may not know all the meaningful work we're involved in. So take a minute, if you would, and share some examples of how we are supporting, encouraging, and ministering to people everywhere.

I'd be glad to, Dave. One of the great joys of my life is the letters, emails, Facebook messages that I get from people literally all around the country and all around the world, and they tell me these amazing stories of how Living on the Edge has been a tool used by God to change their life. Maybe you're one of those people that have really been impacted by the ministry. I mean, I hear from people from every age, profession, background, every person imaginable, and what I hear is this same constant drumbeat of, God spoke to me, I took a step of faith, now God's using me. And what I want you to know is that that's the heart of our ministry. We want to put teaching and tools and small group materials and downloadable things that we actually give away to help people not just live like Christians, but be ambassadors and agents of change and grace in their homes.

Their schools and their workplaces. And if you're one of those people that God has impacted you and actually you're impacting others because of Living on the Edge, I have a very specific request. Would you consider becoming a monthly financial partner? And of course, it helps us practically, no doubt about it.

It would really help us to know that X amount of dollars are coming in from a monthly partner. But literally, even more than that, it's about a group of people saying, we want to be a part of this mission to make a difference in the crazy world that we're living in. We want to make an impact and we want to make an impact with you all. God's spoken to us.

God's changed us. We want to help you help others. And so here's my request today. Would you pray and just simply say, Lord, if this is part of your desire for me to partner with Living on the Edge on a monthly basis, will you show me and then show me what that looks like and how much? And what I will say is whatever amount that is, it's perfect, whatever God shows you.

But what I long to see is people who partner that are on the team, a part of the family, and we make a difference together each and every day. Thank you in advance for doing whatever God shows you to do. Thanks, Chip. What a great encouragement. Well, if you want to be a part of ministering to believers all across the world, I hope you'll prayerfully consider becoming a monthly partner with Living on the Edge. Your gift will go places and accomplish ministry work like you wouldn't believe. To set up your donation today, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org.

App listeners, tap donate. Well, with that, here again is Chip to share a few final thoughts. As we close today's program about what's a man to do, I want to remind you that we introduce this message with that metaphor of a Navy Seal. I mean a Green Beret, that Army Ranger, that person who is the point of the spear that makes a difference, that goes to places that other people are afraid to go. They have training like few people in all the world, and they make a huge difference. And that's you, man.

That's you. You're the one in charge of the finances, primarily. You're the one that gives the spiritual leadership to the family, and you're the one responsible for the relational health. I have a very close friend who's a Green Beret, and what I learned from him was the level and the intensity of the training that Green Berets and Navy Seals and Army Rangers go through.

I mean, it's incredible. The price they're willing to pay and what they're willing to endure in order to protect our country and be on the front lines. And, man, you've heard a lot of information about being the spiritual leader of your home today, and you've heard about being the relational connector of your home. What I want to ask you is, are you willing to do for your family what the Navy Seals and the Rangers and the Green Beret do for our country?

Are you willing to go through the kind of rigorous training to dig in, to learn, to grow, and to lead? That means getting up off the couch. It means putting down the remote.

It means saying, I want to be a man in God's eyes, and I'm going to pay the price to do it. You'll never regret it. Challenging words, Chip. As we wrap up, let me tell you about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast. Hear Chip anytime on your Amazon Echo or Echo Dot. To get started, ask Alexa to enable the Chip Ingram podcast. Then say, Alexa, play the Chip Ingram podcast. Try it today. Well, from all of us here, I'm Dave Druey, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.