Unstuck - Overcoming Shattered Dreams, Part 1

You know, we all have dreams. Dreams for our children, dreams for our marriage, dreams for our lives, our career. But what do you do when one of those dreams gets shattered?

I mean, split to pieces. How do you recover? How do you go on? Today, we'll talk about how to overcome the pain of shattered dreams. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

We are a discipleship-driven ministry on a mission to encourage Christians everywhere to live like Christians. And could you connect to that heartbreak Chip just described of having life goals and aspirations just go up in smoke? Well, for the next couple of programs, Chip's going to talk about that disappointment and what God's Word has to say as he continues his series, Unstuck. And by the way, if you've missed any part of our study in Ephesians, catch up through the Chip Ingram app.

It's a great way to listen to Living on the Edge anytime. Well, with that, here now is Chip with today's talk. Of all the things that are hard to deal with in life, I think one of the most difficult things in life to deal with are shattered dreams. And we all have them. When we are little children, I don't know that we conjure up and think this is dreams.

I think it's just innate. And as little kids, we have dreams that consciously or subconsciously of having a perfect family, that we're going to be loved and affirmed and known and secure and we're going to have a mom and a dad that care about us and we're going to go on vacations and everyone's going to stay together and we're going to laugh at night and tickle and throw pillows and we're going to celebrate birthdays and we're going to defend each other. And for many in this room, your childhood wasn't like that at all. Some of you didn't have a mom, some didn't have a dad, some didn't have either.

You can't remember a vacation. You might have a few glimpses of some really special, wonderful times, but for many, many people, childhood dreams of that wonderful sort of family that just isn't what you experienced. And then you move to adulthood and the dreams actually get a little more clearly articulated and you want to find Mr. Right or the perfect girl and you have dreams because you've watched movies like I have and read a few novels that you're going to have deep talks and long walks and romance, good jobs, wonderful kids, probably find a home, actually get to buy it.

There'll be joy and camp outs and little league and just all these pictures of what it would be like. We've been fed sort of the American dream and for many, that dream got shattered. You never dreamed, ever, ever dreamed you'd be without your mate because they died prematurely. For others, you just thought divorce was a word and a situation that could never touch you and you sit here tonight with that in your past. For others, you go to church regularly, been hanging in there, but the status quo, hollow emotional relationships, private sexual frustrations, emptiness in terms of communication, kids that grew up that were supposed to really appreciate what you did, they only not call very much, they don't seem to care.

And sort of those adult dreams and midlife dreams are not at all what you thought. But by midlife, you sort of transfer them and maybe the family wasn't exactly what you thought or maybe you never found Mr. Right or Miss Perfect and you realize that singleness really isn't all that bad once you got around all those married folks.

And it's interesting, you do pastor counseling for 25 years, this is what you experience. If they're married, they want to be single and if they're single, they want to be married. And we always, it's wild, we always look at what the other people have and what we don't have. Oh, you know, those single people, they have disposable income, they have freedom, they don't have all these demands on and on and on.

And oh, they've got a partner they can share life with and I'm lonely and, you know, we all have our issues. In midlife, we, I think the dreams shift to, by now, you're at that point where you thought, you know, the job and the career would be at a certain spot, you would have a certain level of impact or significance and financial security. You know, you poured your life into your kids, you went into all those games, you saved all that money, you went into all that debt and you wanted your kids to really turn out right. And for some, that really was neat and you got bits and pieces of it. And for others, your house is upside down, some of your kids dropped out of school, there's some real shattered dreams that the promotions and where you were at and where you thought you'd be, you know, like your life is half over and so the realization that some of those things you thought you were going to do, they're not going to happen. And so you either sort of push that down and make the best of it and it's really this ties into a lot of why we do lots of mind-numbing things.

When you have deep longings that aren't fulfilled and when dreams are shattered, it just feels good to eat or go out to eat or go on a vacation or charge something. Affairs grow out of shattered dreams. Pornography and eating disorders grow out of shattered dreams. Self-inflicting behavior grows out of shattered dreams.

Legalistic, zealous, not so religiosity grows out of shattered dreams. In the later years, you have this picture that, you know, you've worked hard, you want to relax, you want to travel, want to be closer to family, you've really worked hard about maybe where you can stay, maybe relocate your kids or grandkids and pretty soon your 401k is a 101k. Some of your kids aren't in a position where either you want to be around them now or they want to be around you. And it's really hard when you find yourself saving, saving, saving and then instead of these golden years, one of you has cancer. Or the retirement that was supposed to, you know, send you off into the sunset actually, you're trying to figure out how we're going to make it and wish we would have bought that disability insurance that we thought only other people would need.

And you know what? Whether you're a kid or an adult or in midlife, everybody experiences shattered dreams. And they can revolve around your career, your relationships. They can revolve around the kind of pain and dysfunctions that grow out of them.

The people that you love the most, you do know they can hurt you the most. And when you see what happens in shattered dreams, what you find is they're like a pivot point. Some people experience deep shattered dreams and it is what catapults them into a level of growth and impact and health and relationship with God. And it came because they hit rock bottom or they realized the ladder of their focus was against the wrong wall. And other people, they have shattered dreams.

I mean it just is status quo, just plowing through. You make up stuff like, I don't really care, it doesn't really matter. I didn't want to do that anyway.

Liar, liar, pants on fire. You know? And it's just, we just play all kind of games because when you have pictures in your mind of how you think life would turn out, and it really doesn't, it's painful. And we usually don't face it. We usually don't know what to do with it. And we usually don't grow from it.

And so we're going to talk about how do you grow? How do you respond to the shattered dreams in your life? And what I want to encourage you is, I've got three specific things that I think are critical. And regardless of the age, see, shattered dreams can be the greatest turning point in your life.

But I'm going to suggest three things have to happen, and then I'll develop them. Number one, we must face our shattered dreams. Number two, we need to understand our shattered dreams. And number three, we can grow from our shattered dreams.

And the third one is, you have to be willing to. So first we must face them, no matter how painful, until you face the pain and the hurt and the loss and the disappointment and the anger and the frustration and the resentment, you'll never grow. Most of us hide, compartmentalize, compensate, lash out, blame, internalize, and never grow through our shattered dreams. It was my mom's fault. It was my dad's fault. It was the government's fault. It was so-and-so's fault. It's that guy who introduced that.

It's that person who did that. And then you just shove it down, shove it down. It's like you have this empty, you know, like empty hole in your leg, and you just take all that stuff and you just keep shoving stuff in it, shoving stuff in it, and you just don't deal with it.

That's what we do. Because it's painful to face. It's painful to say out loud, my mom didn't love me. If she did, she wouldn't have abandoned our family. My dad didn't care about me.

My mate walked out on me. I thought I would be here in my career. I made some really big mistakes that I blamed everything and everyone for, but I'm here, and I'm not there, and it hurts, and I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and I always thought it would be, and right now there's nothing I can do about that. But you talk with people. I don't, believe me, I don't purposely go around and eavesdrop, but if you study in coffee shops, you know, I mean if there's a table here, and a table here, and a table here, and a table here, even if I can put in earphones and I'm studying sometimes, I mean people, if you listen in coffee shops to what people talk about, I mean try it sometime, I mean sort of in a reverent kind of way, and almost, I mean 80% of the conversations are two people talking about another person who isn't here, who's the reason for their problem.

Or they're talking about what's wrong with a system somewhere, and why it's really their fault. It was their mom, it was the government, it was the school, it was this, and people spend their entire life, what they're really doing is, they're not owning A, their responsibility, or they're not owning the reality of this is where I'm at. It takes courage. You know why most people don't change? It takes courage.

You never can move from where you are until you have the courage to face this is where I really am. I have a problem. I'm disappointed. I have anger issues.

I have an addiction. I'm in denial. Part of that marriage issue was my problem. I can't control hers or I can't control his, but this part was mine.

My kids probably don't call me one because they're insensitive and this and that, but they probably don't call me because I need to own this part of it. And it's in those facing your shattered dreams that's painful that now you know where you're at. Now you're ready to be a recipient of grace.

I mean, do you ever get help until you say, God, I need your help. And part of our shattered dreams, sometimes they're completely out of our control, but you need to get them out there where you say, this part's mine. And Lord, you know, by the way, some of us like forgot one small little thing. It's a fallen world and you are human.

You know what human beings do? They make mistakes. It's not wrong to make a mistake. Have you ever made a bad decision?

I have. I mean, a bad decision like dumb car that I bought, right? Wrong hire. What was I thinking? Wrong job. Right.

Well, it wasn't, I wouldn't purpose. I just made a mistake. It's a fallen world. Are you perfect? I'm not perfect. But when we make a mistake, we act like, shock, how did that happen? Like, who do you think you are?

Superman or Jesus? You're going to make mistakes. But we're so unwilling to face that.

We will do almost all kind of mental gymnastics to rearrange the world and how we frame everything. Instead of just saying, I mean, even in relationships, I just found, well, you know, the reason I was late was because the traffic was this and there was this and there was this and there was this and how about this? I left 10 minutes late because I was more interested in what I was doing than our meeting. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was selfish.

When's the last time someone told you that? It was really busy. Now all, so what we do is, it's true, right?

There was extra traffic. But what we do is we tell like 67% of the truth to get ourselves off the hook and then you live with this. Well, then you learn to do that and all kind of things.

So all I'm saying is step one, face your shattered dreams. Painful but God, what have we learned? Psalm 34, 17, the Lord is near to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit. I mean, every time you find Jesus in the New Testament, people that, I got it together, I don't need any help, I can handle this, Pharisee, what's he get?

They get a cold response. Have mercy on me. I'm a sinner.

I've had five husbands. You must be a prophet. I'm wiping your feet with my tears and Jesus is so compassionate to people who just come and say, I'm broken and I'm part of it and other people were part of it but I just can tell you I need help. And you will always find the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love and kindness. Look up that phrase and just do one of your searches and find out how many times that happens in the Psalms. How many times that happens when God is telling us who he is through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers. How many times the prophets will be preaching and then say, for the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love and kindness, right? Even when he revealed himself to Moses, that's what he said. But then he's a just God. He says, but he will. He's a just God and there's a recompense for sin and God is fair. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

It will continue his series Unstuck in just a second. But first, do you feel insecure, spiritually stuck or guilty over your past? And keep listening after this message to learn about an insightful resource we have that'll help you combat the lies we believe about ourselves and that'll reveal the unique people God created us to be. Stick around to learn more.

Well, with that, here again is Chip. Second, we need to understand our shattered dreams. And under this, I kind of have three subsets and I don't want to develop this too much, but sometimes your dreams are shattered because of your set up for failure. In other words, dreams are built on expectations. In other words, I expect certain things. If you expect certain things that aren't true, you're destined for disappointment.

Okay, here's some expectations. I'll be happy when I meet so and so. I'll be happy when I earn X amount of money. I desire all of life to go my way and when it does, then I'll be happy.

Expectation. Life is fair. Good things will happen to good people.

If I follow God, I'll be happy and everything will turn out right. Now, you may not actually say those things. I have news for you. None of those things are true.

None of those things are true. Life isn't fair. It's a fallen world. The apostle Paul said all those who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus, here's the promise.

You want to claim one? We'll be persecuted. Jesus said in the world you have what? Trouble, tribulation, but be of good cheer. He doesn't promise that things are going to go great. He promises he'll go with you when they're hard and when they're great and when every other time. Life isn't fair.

There's no formula. If you obey God and you do exactly what he wants, oh, you won't never get cancer. A drunk driver will never go left of center. All your kids are turned out right.

That's American stuff. That's not in the Bible. When I find this person, when you find this person, you will meet another fallen person just like you that has all kind of hang ups and sin and will make mistakes and it will be hard to go through life together and you have to learn to love them unconditionally and they'll love you and guess what? It's tough, it's hard, fasten your seatbelt, love God and go through it and you'll wound each other. But if your expectations are, when I find this person, well then the first time they act like a human being it's like, oh, your dreams are shattered. And then you believe this baloney in all these movies, well, this must not be the right person, I'll just find the next person. Divorce rate goes up another 25 or 30 percent, the pain goes on.

So they're built on expectations. Here's what life is. Life is hard and God is good and justice will ultimately prevail when Jesus comes and returns and makes everything right. Until then, welcome to the spiritual NFL. You have a good and loving God who's absolutely in control and there will be pain and difficulty no matter what you go through and you will make mistakes and people will make mistakes and you will experience suffering and hurt and the God of the universe will frame you and use you and conform you to the image of his son and allow you to have intimacy with him and others in the midst probably of the suffering more than any other time.

Painful but true. For it has been granted to you not only to believe in him but to suffer for his sake, Philippians 1.27. Experiencing the same conflict which you heard to be in me and now see in me. See, when you go to China, when you go to different places where it is illegal to be a Christian, when you go to Saudi Arabia, when you meet with leaders from Iran and pastors from Iraq, I got news for you. All those verses about suffering and enduring and persevering, that's their hope. They laugh at some of the stuff that we believe. Love Jesus and everything's going to go okay?

No. Love Jesus, you'll probably die. And it's worth it. And it's a holy privilege to get to suffer for him. I don't get that in my Bible studies. Do you see how expectations frame your dreams?

The second way our dreams are framed, they flow from what I call universal longings. If we had time to develop it, these three things all come from Genesis chapter 1 and 2. Before there's sin in the world, God makes Adam, he makes Eve, he makes mankind. He says certain things like multiply.

It's not good for a man to be alone, so God knows relational connection. He says to them, I want you to have domain, treat the earth well, but I want you to be a co-creator. I want you to make a difference.

I want you to make impact. And so these three longings are in your heart. It's the longing to be intimately known and loved. You don't have to teach a kid that. A baby cries. Baby doesn't know anything. You take that baby, they cut that umbilical cord, and you drop that baby on a mommy's chest, and every one of us, until the day we take our last breath, have a deep abiding longing to be loved and to be known just for who we are.

God, that's not wrong. God made you that way. But I want to tell you in a fallen world, you need to find someone who will love you that way all the time and never let you down. And there's only one person who'll do that, and they're not a person of flesh.

So if your expectations are there's going to be a person that will do that, you kind of set up for a shattered dream. The second is the longing for a better tomorrow. There's hope. Be fruitful and multiply.

There's no sin in the world, and God said, I place you here. Make a difference. Multiply. There's a better tomorrow. There's going to be more of you.

I mean, no one gets up and thinks, OK, I'm six years old. I'm going to go through 12 years of school. I hope I get, like, all Fs.

I mean, all Fs. And then I'm going to get a job, and I hope I get fired. I mean, all of us live with the sense that every single day wherever your life is, wherever your job is, wherever your marriage is, wherever you are with your kids, there's this sense of what makes life. The tomorrow can be better. It's called hope. Someone rightly said, hope is the oxygen of the soul.

You lose hope, it's like that's built in. The third longing that we all have is longing to leave a legacy. You want to make a difference. Everyone wants to make a difference.

You want your kids, I mean, my dad, my dad wasn't a Christian until in his 50s. But I will tell you, I left the house a few times, and this is my marine dad, Chip. Yes, sir. What are you doing tonight?

Well, I'm going to do this and this and this. I think he could read between lines. Young man, don't you forget your last name's Ingram, and don't mess that name up. You knew my dad, all that stuff about not being afraid of your parents. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And the fear of my father was the beginning of wisdom in my house.

And he cared and he loved me, but you know what, it's good to have a holy fear about certain things. But you know what, there was a legacy. Our last name mattered. Tell you what, Jesus' name matters. Your name matters.

There's something in you you want to see if you have kids or people in your job. You want a legacy. You want to make a difference.

It's built in. So all I'm saying is that you need to understand shattered dreams. One, get your expectations clear. Realize there's universal longings that are going to move you toward fulfilling those. And if they don't get fulfilled, what you and I will do is we'll try and fulfill those in unhealthy ways. And the final thing is that dreams are built around imperfect people in an imperfect world that we can't control, so they almost always shatter. See, when I started talking about some of those early dreams when you were a kid and when you were an adult, midlife and older, your body language, I could almost go around and say, ooh, midlife situation, early adulthood situation, ooh, your retirement didn't work out for you.

Okay. One of your kids, shattered dreams are not like a high possibility. Did you ever think of that? So instead of like, what's happened to me and how unfair and I can't believe it, and this is in an imperfect world with imperfect people, you're going to have shattered dreams. It doesn't mean your dreams were wrong.

It doesn't mean they're bad, but it means that in a fallen world, here's what I want you to get. God wants to use your shattered dreams and my shattered dreams to be an agent of growth, an agent of meeting Him in a way that we never would because when our dreams are shattered, where our hope is and what we want it to happen, there's a vulnerability in our soul where God can fill us and meet us in ways like never before. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message Overcoming Shattered Dreams from our series Unstuck.

Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Pain. It's an unfortunate part of the human experience, whether it's a broken promise, a dysfunctional family relationship or prejudice, we've all had to deal with being hurt.

So what are we supposed to do when that heartache cripples us to our core? In this insightful series, Chip reveals the hope and restoration that Jesus promises. As he studies the book of Ephesians, Chip will remind us who we are, whose we are, and why our past pain doesn't have to define our futures. To learn more about this series, visit LivingOnTheEdge.org. Before we go on, Chip's joined me in studio to share a quick word.

Well, thanks so much, Dave. I'll be right back in just a minute with some specific application to what we talked about in today's message. But before we go on, I just would remind many of you, especially coming out of what the world has been through in the last three, even four years, a shattered dreams is reality, right? I mean, expectations that we had, what we hoped might happen, the world has changed so dramatically.

And for some of you, you plan to go to school, or you plan to retire, or this was going to be your profession, and the pandemic and all kind of other issues literally changed your world. And you know, we tend to live with the ups and downs of dreams that we have, or what our hopes are, our expectations, and at the heart of living a life of genuine peace and power in the midst of circumstances that change, especially the ones we can't control, is what we need as a foundation. And in this series, Unstuck, it led to me writing a book called Discover Your True Self, where I address exactly what I talked about. And then I help you understand, how do you overcome shattered dreams? I help you understand, how do you overcome the pain and the difficulty of a dysfunctional family?

You know, as I've shared many times, my wife grew up in an alcoholic family, I grew up in an alcoholic family. What I want you to know is there's practical biblical help in this book, and that together, we can really grow. And I just want you to know there's hope. You're not stuck. God loves you.

He's for you. But the how-to of going from unstuck to thriving is a journey that you have to be taught, you have to practice, and you have to know it. And my prayer is that God will use this book, Discover Your True Self, to free you up and allow you to thrive as the person He made you to be. To order Chip's book, Discover Your True Self, go to SpecialOffersAtLivingOnTheEdge.org or the Chip Ingram app. This tool will help you combat the deceptive lies we believe about ourselves by revealing who God uniquely created us to be. So if you feel stuck, insecure, or guilty over your past, this book will encourage you. Again, to get your copy of Discover Your True Self, visit Special Offers on the Chip Ingram app or at LivingOnTheEdge.org.

Now here again is Chip with his application. As we closed today's program, I made a statement in the teaching time that some people never overcome the pain of their shattered dreams. And then I said, why is that? And I just, by way of remembrance, I made two points. One was that you have to face your shattered dreams, no matter how painful. And there is almost no level to which we will go to not face some of the pain of our shattered dreams.

Because I mean, it's down deep in your psyche. I mean, your whole life was built around certain dreams that you thought by now you would be married and you're not. You had this picture of being a mom and you can't have kids. You literally thought through and had planned out your career.

And by the age that you are right now, you sort of had the office that you were going to be in and about how much money you were going to make and kind of what it was going to look like. And what you realize right now, not only did that not happen, it's never going to happen. And what I can tell you is a lot of the relational issues, a lot of the addiction issues, a lot of the anger and bitterness that flows out into relationships and people, down deep anger at God, turning away from the faith, these things often are rooted in shattered dreams. And so can I tell you that the greatest thing you could do, and I'm going to talk to you men just for a second, be a real man, will you? Okay? I mean, we say that to one another and instead of just get over it, how about this? Just get honest. Why not just bring that before God and say, you know, God, this was huge. This was deep.

This was mine. And I'm angry and I'm hurt and it didn't happen. And I want you to know that He'll meet you. And for some of you especially, can I speak to you men again? You got to get this verbally out on the table with another guy. And we're not good at this, all right? Find some pretty secure guy that you really trust and say, can I tell you something? Or you know what?

It would be worth it. Go pay a counselor if you need to. Pay someone $150 to sit down and get it off your chest and say, you know what? I've carried this around inside me for years. I've never told anyone. Get it on the table. And I'll tell you what, you'll sense even as you own it that the poison will leave your system.

And then the second thing you need to know is that you're normal. I mean, we have these universal longings for that special person and a better tomorrow and to leave a legacy. And then what I want you to do is bring it to God. Just bring your shattered dreams to God and say, I'm really upset. I'm really discouraged. I'm really disappointed.

And then, Lord, would you take these pieces and make something beautiful? In our next broadcast, we're going to talk about how God does amazing things and how He has a dream for you that will never let you down. It's good. It's positive. It's lasting.

It's eternal. Do not miss our next time together. Thanks for that reminder, Chip. As we wrap up, I want to thank those of you who make this program possible through your generous financial support. Your gifts help us create programs, purchase air time, and develop additional resources to help Christians live like Christians. Now, if you've been blessed by the Ministry of Living on the Edge, would you consider sending a gift today? You can do that by visiting LivingOnTheEdge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org. Have listeners tap donate. We want you to know how much we appreciate your support. Well, be sure to join us next time as Chip continues his series, Unstuck. Until then, I'm Dave Druey, saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.