Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference, Part 2

God has a unique and divine design for how marriages work. You know, in our last broadcast, we talk about the role and responsibility of women. Well, guys, lock on. Today we talk about what a man needs to be and what a man needs to do for a marriage to flourish. Stay with me. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Living on the Edge is an international teaching and discipleship ministry motivating Christians to live like Christians. Now, in just a minute, we'll wrap up our series experiencing God's dream for your marriage. And we pray you've been encouraged by Chip's words and motivated to make your relationship with your spouse everything God intended it to be. So if you've learned something from this series, would you take a minute after this message and share it with someone?

You can do that through the Chip Ingram app or by sending them the free MP3s that you'll find at livingontheedge.org. And thanks for doing that. And be sure to tell them how it made a difference in your marriage. Now, go in your Bibles to Ephesians Chapter 5 for the remainder of Chip's message, Men and Women Enjoying the Difference. Deep in the heart of every woman, she wants to fly. She wants to soar. And what she's looking for is a man who'll take responsibility, who will lead, who will take the first step, who will start making more statements and asking more questions, that will give direction, someone you can count on and someone who knows this is how much money we have and this is what we need to do.

And we do have a plan for the future. And what the man really is doing is getting in a position so he can be strong to help develop his wife so she can be that person that swirls up high and sees and experiences things in the dance that she never could. Because most women are not made by God to lift up the guy. Can you just imagine one of those little girls like this?

You know how they do the splits and he does this? Can you imagine one of those little girls doing that with one of those men? I just see sort of this hole in the ice, you know?

Honey, good try. And you know there's a lot of women that their marriage experience is like a hole in the ice. And they just feel the weight of everything because the fact of the matter is we let them lead. Now the struggle is they want us to lead but they don't want us to lead.

They want us to lead when it works for them according to their way. But they have, remember, that barrier that they want to control and so this is at the heart of some real marital conflict. And so God says there is a design. But ladies, the great thing is at the end of the day, responsibility wise, when Adam and Eve sinned and you come to the New Testament and God looks back on that issue, who does he blame? I just don't have any verses that say, Eve did this, therefore.

I've only got one verse that says, this is what Adam did. You're a team but the man is culpable and responsible for the relationship. And for whatever struggle you may think it is to respect or submit or work through some of those issues, live with the heavy weight of realizing that how your family goes, how your marriage goes, you'll stand before the judgment seat of Christ as a man and give an account for your leadership. And I'll tell you what, that's a terrifying thing. And I've lived in a world and most of these men have lived in a world where their fathers didn't lead and they didn't know how to lead and then we had this feminist movement that went for 15 or 20 years that, you know, a lot of it was really rooted in great, great compassionate needs that needed to be addressed and, you know, women weren't making, you know, the same amount of money and they've historically, I mean, women have been treated terrible historically. I mean terrible.

There's just, you know, let's not try and code it over. They've been treated terrible by men historically. But so we go through this feminist movement and now what's happened is we've got a divorce rate that's off the scale. One half of all the women who are divorced lived at least some period of their life, usually two to three years, below the poverty level with their kids. I mean the people that have been hurt and the average way it works is, okay, I'm liberated and career is as important or more important than family and so what do they do? They have a career but when they get home, does that mean that the man's doing all the cooking and everyone's sharing everything? All that nurturing inside, what women basically have got is a full-time job and another full-time job. And then when it doesn't work out, they end up with most of the pieces at their feet.

I don't know how you do it, ladies. And so the call is let's get a dance going that really works God's way. And this whole issue of where he wants you and where he places you, he'll show you. But the dance works as a woman submits and as a man leads. But before we go on, let's talk about what this does not mean. It does not mean that a man calls all the shots in the marriage relationship. That's not mutual submission. It does not mean that the woman is a doormat, that she can't voice her approval, that she ever should feel or be treated inferior. She has equal say.

This is the CEO and the COO and the board chairman coming together and saying what's best and getting all the information and realizing we are going to live with this decision. But we all know there are some decisions, 98% we come to agreement on, it's those 2% of the decisions. Every time I hear people talk on this, I don't mean this badly, but everyone starts waffling like 98% of the time it doesn't matter. You love each other, you pray, God shows you.

It's the 2% of the time, well, do we do this or we do that? Someone's got to be morally responsible. And God says, men, you are. And ladies, your struggle, your tension, your fear that's valid in many ways is, boy, let God put all that weight on him and say, Lord, if he's making the wrong decision, I know you'll protect me. But I'm going to do voluntarily with a good attitude what God wants me to do. It does not mean that you should submit to your husband's unreasonable, unbiblical or deviant demands.

God's will always supersedes anything your husband demands. There's a book that came out a number of years ago by a Dr. Pierre Mornel. He's a psychiatrist in suburban San Francisco and it was entitled Passive Men, Wild Women. And he describes in this book his clients, mostly female. Across the years of this practice, many women came in and they all had the same complaint. They were married to highly successful men, men who drive across the Golden Gate Bridge every day.

They went into the financial district of San Francisco where they make their mark in the world. Men who were leaders, men who were powerful, drove nice cars, had nice homes. But each night when these men came home, they ceased to be leaders. The only mark they make is on their chair when they sit on it is their wife's complaint. Their wives had become widows long before their time and they were widows almost before they'd been wives.

The only problem is that the corpse of theirs is a dead husband who comes home every night asking, What's for dinner? When will it be ready? What's the TV schedule?

I want to know what time the game starts tonight. They're recliner husbands. As a result of their passive husbands, these wives are driven wild.

Wild for companionship, leadership, relationship. Passive men drive women wild. Well, ladies, the primary reason that a woman does not follow her man, even when the choreographer is God, is fear. It's fear. And you have some historical fear. I mean, in your own relationships, you have some historical fear of things that have, I mean, probably the most ungodly, weird stuff that's happened in the name of God has happened at the church.

This has been used as a club on women and men saying, This is the way it is that has been completely misapplied. And you've got some real fears there and those are valid. Nevertheless, God wants you to get out there on the ice with your husband. And he wants the rhythm and the music and the beauty for you to experience. And so now I want you to say to yourself, I really need to ask God what it would look like under the big S of submission mutually of loving my husband, lordship of Christ. Where are some areas that I know I need to submit, ladies?

Can we just get right down to brass tacks? Where are some things that you know, you know your husband's heart, you know the situation, you have this deep inkling of even what God wants you to do. And you kind of have the old, I'm not going there, you know. And God wants you to be able to release that and say, would you be willing to trust me? And I know it's scary if he starts lifting you up because you're thinking, he's dropped me a few times before. Well, you're never going to dance before unless you can take that step.

And if you'll pray about what that step is and before God kind of quietly decide, Lord, I'll do that, I'll try and give your husband some encouragement in such a way that I pray God will use his word so they'll start catching you more often. And so, you know what, the average guy doesn't know how to lead. We didn't grow up in Christian homes or we grew up in some homes that wasn't modeled very well. But there's a great dance and we can learn just like you can learn. And so after a word to the women to follow his lead, the choreographer, God Almighty, says a word to men be worthy followers. We pick it up in verse 25. Husbands, agape your wives. Unconditionally. Choice, not feelings. Love your wives.

Well, what's that look like? Just as Christ loved the church. Well, how did he love the church? Gave himself up for her. Well, why did he give himself up for her? To make her holy, to make her whole, to make her pure.

How did he do it? Cleansing her, literally having cleansed is the tense of the verb. Having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word.

And circle the word word. This isn't the written word, this is the word rhema. It's the spoken word. He made her holy.

How? By dying on the cross, being raised from the dead and the word was spoken and the gospel went out and people believed and when they believed they were taken from the kingdom of darkness and the kingdom of light and their sins were put behind them and they're pure before God. They're holy.

They're set apart. That's what Jesus did. He loved the church.

He led to the point that he died. Husbands? That's the expectation.

Are some of you eyes feeling just a little bit better right now? That's the bar. What's the goal? To present her, verse 27, to himself a radiant church. The idea is beautiful. Reaching their full potential. That's our job as men.

It's a tough one. You want to present your wife to God as a beautiful woman inside and out. And then he gives you three adjectives to talk about what radiant doesn't look like. Without stain, without wrinkle or any other blemish but holy and blameless.

Pure blameless. In this same way, just in case you think this is all religious or all theology, in the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body but he circled the word feeds and circled the word cares for it just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body. The word feeds here has to provide for in every way. It has the idea to promote or development of something. And the word here for cares means literally to keep someone warm. That's what it looks like to lead. To protect, to cherish, to commune in ways that your wife's heart senses she is safe with you.

You feed and care for her. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And he'll continue our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, in just a minute. But first, do you long to have the God-honoring, love-filled relationship Chip's been describing in this series? If so, stick around after this teaching to hear about a tool we've developed to help husbands and wives deepen their connection with one another and to God. Keep listening for more info.

Well, with that, here again is Chip. So when you look at it, the command is love your wives as Christ loved the church. Men were to make our aim and our goal to love our wives with the same reckless sacrifice and abandon that Jesus had in dying for his church. And then to protect them and to provide for them and to develop them. And the purpose is Christ did it for the church to set her apart. And now as a man in my family, you thought your job was hard at work?

I got news for you, it's nothing compared to this. Your job now as a man is to allow your wife to reach her full potential. You know, you just, you know, a lot of you guys are in business. And if I said, you know, where are you at in your business world and what are your goals for the next two, five years? Or, you know, in this next quarter, do you have any strategic plans to move from where you are to where you need to be? Most of you could say, yeah. And some of you have a strategic plan for your own body.

I work out three times a week and I lift twice a week and this is what I do. You know, you have plans in lots of areas. Here's what I'd ask you.

Do you have a strategic plan to develop your wife to make her the most beautiful person spiritually, emotionally, and physically as she could possibly be with your help? And my confession is I have done that progressively and it changes in every season. And when the kids were small, I kind of saw what that looked like and as the kids got to here, I saw what that looked like. And now what I'm learning, this is my growth pattern, is the empty nest, it looks different than it did before. And because there aren't kids that develop sort of a system and a structure in your home, I literally have to step back and retool and a lot of it kind of got on autopilot, you know. This worked because since the kids were here, we did this on Friday and this always worked since this happened, we did it here.

And I realize you can't live off the old past of development. I mean, early on I remember my wife wrote a little Christmas letter. We were in seminary. I mean, just a little Christmas letter. And you know those ones where everybody tells you about, you know, Bobby got a new rubber ducky and Freddy passed his math class.

And it's really neat if you know the people and it's not so neat if you don't know them so well, get these 11-page letters of personal history that you don't really want to get. And we were trying to catch people up and sending it to our family and it was one page. I remember reading it. I thought, I'm almost like, did you get this out of a book or something? She goes, no, I just wrote that.

I thought, because you know, I have to write a lot and I'm writing all these papers and taking all these languages and I'm thinking, she says more in a page than I say in four. You are really good. I mean, you are really good. And then, you know, I remember there was like 15 ladies or 12 and they wanted her to teach a little Bible study.

You know, I don't really do that kind of stuff. And I mean, it was a big step. And I remember just, oh, honey, you ought to give that, you got to try that. And over the years, just all my little part was I saw a gift in her she couldn't see.

Another season in her life, I came from a real athletic family and we used to go up in these mountains near Lake Tahoe. And, you know, she just says, you know, I just want to really get in shape or something and I'm always playing and doing all this stuff and I still remember the first time I said, well, let's take a walk. And we walked from this house down to this park. And I was super insensitive because, you know, I do this stuff all the time so pretty soon I'm like 30 yards ahead and not being very kind.

But then I just realized that wasn't very smart. And so we started walking. And I can't tell you how long that, but walking or exercising became a part of her life. And I thought, you see, that was a small part of me getting to build into her life that helped her develop. Now, I could sit here and give you 15 ways she's built into my life. But, men, what I'm saying is what I'm realizing right now is those are a couple of the good stories. What I'm realizing right now, she's in a different season of life. I'm in a different season of life.

I'm trying to figure out how to do that at the next level and I'm scratching my head a little bit. But a lot of it, what I realize is focus, discipline, write it out, all the things I've been telling you, God is doing this in me right now. Guys, what's your plan? Your wife needs to get to skate to the music and she needs to become radiant and beautiful inside and out. My question is, how do you, how do I help her, encourage her, serve her, recklessly, sacrificially love her to help her get there?

Okay? That's what it means to be worthy of following. What this means is husbands must love sacrificially. Second, it means husbands must love with intentionality. And third, it means husbands must love sensitively. Sacrifice, it's going to cost.

This is not going to happen overnight and it's not going to be easy. Second, you've got to have intentionality. I mean, you need to bring the same intentionality to your marriage that we bring to our work.

And third, with a level of sensitivity. When you get locked on, don't, as I've done, okay, this will really be good. You're going to love this, do this, that does not work.

You need to do it gently. What it does not mean is that you always give in to what your wife wants. That creates codependency. You need to give. I remember on a 3x5 card, I remember I was trying to be this super husband and I found I was doing everything she wanted.

I'll do that, I'll do that, I'll do that, I'll do that. And then I realized, you know what, this is crippling her, not helping her. Give your wife what she needs, not what she wants. She needs strength, she needs adventure, she needs to do things where she doesn't feel confident. How does everyone gain confidence? You gain confidence by doing something you're afraid to do and you do it and you go, whoa, I did it.

And then you do something a little bit bigger and you do it and I did it. Sometimes in an effort to love, we can smother our wives trying to take care of everything. And on the one hand, they love it short-term and then they resent us because, you know what, I don't feel like a woman anymore, I don't feel like I'm doing anything. And so you've got to figure out how do you give your wife what she needs. That doesn't always mean you give her what she wants. And when you don't give her what she wants, she will be mad, okay? And she'll either be a shark or a turtle, okay? And you're going to have conflict, okay?

Welcome to the spiritual NFL. But that's a part, doesn't Christ do that with us? That's how she's going to grow, but the motive is I love her. The second thing it doesn't mean is it doesn't mean you don't have a life. This doesn't mean that you don't have times of refreshments. I've had a couple guys really lock onto this and say, you know, I don't have any men friends anymore, I don't have any fun anymore.

No, no, no. It doesn't mean that all of your life surrounds in helping your wife be a radiant bride. You've got to make sure you take care of yourself as well as developing her.

And third, don't smother your wife to make her dependent or worse, you co-dependent on her. And it's about the dance. It's not about who's in control. And it all begins with submission to God's will for both of you. Final point I want to make as we close up is just a word to the world. You know, we've talked about us and our role, the role of the man, the role of the woman.

Are you ready for this? It's really not even about the dance. It's about what God wants to do through the dance.

We get so caught up in who takes what step and are you meeting my needs and it's all about dancers, dancers, dancers and how it's going to work. And God says, no, it's really about I want to create something of such rhythm and beauty that someone would ask, I wonder who the choreographer is, because the way they move together, the way they love one another, the way they resolve conflict, the level of sacrifice, the tenderness that I see, the intimacy that they experience is like this message beaming out to the world that Jesus really is God and that he and his bride are one. Paul finishes that in verse 31. Notice he says for this reason. You know, that's a purpose clause.

For this reason, what? This about the woman and this about the man. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.

Have we heard that somewhere before? Isn't it interesting that's the very first verse, that's God's blueprint to come all the way through to the very end and says for this reason, when he describes how we function, we're right back to the same purpose, but notice his application. Then the application, this is a profound mystery, what? How a man and a woman could leave, cleave, become one flesh and develop this organic, real unity.

It's a mystery, but I'm talking about Christ and the church. But that's the picture. However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband. My point in all of this series of experiencing God's dream for your marriage, this is bigger than your relationship. This is bigger than your fulfillment. This is us having the kind of marriages, progressively, it's a journey and we'll fall, but having the kind of marriages where the watching world becomes convinced because of our progress and our love and sacrifice, that Jesus is really God and that the only hope for the world is a relationship with him because that's what produced the kind of marriage that you have.

Perfect, never. Significant, intimate, growing, rich, deep, yes. Hard, filled with conflict, times of despair, sure. But in the progress through each season, a radiant bride develops and a man becomes more like Christ. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and the message you just heard, Men and Women Enjoying the Difference, is from our series Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage.

Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Movies, romance novels, and social media constantly tell us that the purpose of marriage is to find love or a soulmate. But in reality, that idea hasn't really worked out for many couples, has it? Through this 12-part study, Chip examined the biblical design for marriage and explained how you and your spouse can experience all God intended for your relationship. If you want a marriage that's better than any fairy tale, revisit any part of this series by going to LivingOnTheEdge.org.

That's LivingOnTheEdge.org. Well, before we wrap up this series, Chip, I can see you're wanting to jump in here one last time and talk about a really helpful resource we have for couples that'll completely transform their relationships. You know, Dave, marriage is a unique experience. And I don't mean to make light of this, but, you know, we all have cars, and I have noticed that people, most of us are better at keeping our cars in shape than we are the most important relationship. I mean, you know, I have this little light that comes on that says, hey, you need a tune-up, right? You've got to align the wheels, change the oil, you know, check the tires. And, you know, you do that, and if you do that, your car runs really well for a long time. And what I want to remind people is that our marriages need a tune-up.

It doesn't mean anything's wrong. It just means, hey, how's the communication going and where are we at in this season of marriage? And left to ourselves, work pulls us in directions, children pull us in directions, and just to pause and say, let's give some real energy and focus to our marriage. And I found the very best way to do that is to find two or three couples and say, hey, let's do a study together. And the study that we have that, for me, is the absolutely most practical is called Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. It's a resource that talks about communication, resolving conflict, fighting fair, I mean, all the kind of things that we all need tune-ups on. Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage has been just one of the best small group resources we ever created.

So Dave, why don't you tell people how they can get that, and let me just encourage you to check it out. Well, to order the Small Group Study Guide or the DVD, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. And let me tell you, just by investing some time in this study, you'll be blown away by what you'll learn about marriage and what God has in store for you and your spouse. For complete details about the small group resources for experiencing God's dream for your marriage, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003.

App listeners, tap Special Offers. Well, with that, here again is Chip. As we close today's program, I just have a word to wrap everything up. You know, if you tried to build a house without a blueprint, you'd be absolutely lost.

And that's where a lot of people are. This series is God's blueprint. We lay out for you God's design, and then we look at the normal barriers. I mean, if you love someone with all your heart, there's going to be conflict and difficulty around your personalities, your backgrounds, and just the fact that you're both sinners.

I mean, there's so many issues, historical issues. Those are normal. You don't get divorced. You don't stay wounded. You work through them. And so that's why we talked about communication and resolving conflict. These are very practical things, and I praise God that in my worst moments in my marriage, that I got with some people that loved me and they coached me through, and now I can look back and I can realize, you know, after the honeymoon and after that early time, there's some hard times you go through. When kids come along, there's another season of hard times.

When you hit the teenage years, there's another season of pressure and stress and difficulties, and when they leave the nest, those are normal. Don't give up. Don't let go down the drain all the investment, not just for your good and your kids' good and your mates' good. And I will tell you, so many times the issue isn't your marriage.

It's, you know, how you've dealt with money or you don't know how to deal with your anger or you've got some past baggage. Ask God for help. Stay in your marriage.

Enrich your marriage. You'll never, ever be sorry that you did. God has got a great plan for you, no matter how hopeless you may feel, how frustrated you might feel. Don't give up. Don't give in. Stick it out.

Work hard. God will work in you and through you. That's absolutely true, Chip. And as we close, if you're walking through a difficult or painful season in your marriage right now, we want you to know that we care about you and your relationship. So if you'd like someone to pray with you, call us at 888-333-6003. Or if you prefer, email us at chip at livingontheedge.org. Again, that's chip at livingontheedge.org. Or call 888-333-6003. For Chip and the entire team here, this is Dave Druey thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us next time.