Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference, Part 1

The lights come up on the stage. The music starts. On come two dancers moving to the music. Perfectly choreographed and executed, the two dancers become one before our eyes as they float across the floor. God wants your marriage to look like that dance.

Beautiful and graceful. And today, we're going to talk about how to create your own dance and enjoy the music of life just a little bit more. Stay with me.

Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are a discipleship-driven ministry on a mission to encourage Christians everywhere to live like Christians. Thanks for joining us today as we near the end of our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. For these last couple of programs, Chip wades into the intricate topic of marital roles and answers questions like, Who leads? Who follows?

Is marriage supposed to be a 50-50 split? And because of the complexity of these answers, listen in after today's message as Chip shares some additional thoughts and application for us to think about. You won't want to miss what he has to share. Okay, if you have a Bible handy, Chip will spend most of his time today in Ephesians chapter 5. So go there as we join him for his message, Men and Women Enjoying the Difference. Well, we are getting near the end of this entire series and we've talked about a lot of things.

God's blueprint, we know his design. We learned there's a big problem. We got barriers we're going to have to work through for the rest of our life. And then we said there's a process, you know, we got to learn to communicate and there's some skills we need to learn. And then after that, we said, you know, there's a way to resolve conflict that we've got to get that put together and figure out when there's roadblocks, what do you do with it?

And now we're going to talk about something that historically has been all the way over. Some people have taken this issue of, now, what's the man going to do in terms of responding to what God says? And then over here, what's the woman supposed to do?

And I want to love Teresa the way Christ loves the church and I want to be a good dad to my kids and I know there's barriers and I want to learn to resolve conflict, but we've got to figure out how to do it together. And I'm going to have a role and she's going to have a role, but I've got to know what my role is or I'm not going to do it or if I think part of it is her role that she thinks is mine, there's confusion and conflict. Unfortunately, I think this has been positioned as a debate in the church. It's been a big debate, you know, is it hierarchy or is it egalitarian and, you know, books are written on this side and books are written on this side and, well, what's your position? Who's right? Who's wrong? Who has the authority? Who makes the decisions?

How does it work? And here's what I like to do. The fact of the matter is Monday morning is coming and you've got to work it out in your home and I've got to work it out in my home. I like to suggest that we take the lens of debate, unscrew it from the camera of our mind, drop it in the trash and we take a different lens and put it on our camera to look at our roles and say let's forget a debate, look at it through a completely new paradigm and let's look at our relationships with one another of learning to build a godly, quality, deep, intimate marriage through the lens of a dance.

Now let me give you the word picture here. It's the Olympics. If you're a guy like me and the Olympics come on, there's certain activities you love to watch. There's certain activities when they come on you sort of blow off and say I really don't want to watch this.

One of the things that I never really care to watch is the mixed paired skating. Have you seen that, right? You know, the little girls come out and, you know, the music starts and the guy's out there like this. And he goes backwards, he goes backwards. And then she comes and he lifts her up and goes like this, you know. I'm thinking, man, that girl's got a lot of confidence in that guy. And then she drops him and she spins, boom, right to the music. And then they do, do, do, and at the end, duh, duh, duh. Right? Now you've all seen the skating, haven't you? It was just about like that.

Well, maybe you're close. My daughter loves that stuff. I mean, Annie, oh, dad, dad, dad. I mean, like there's a basketball game on. Oh, dad, don't you want to watch the mixed skating with me?

Well, you know, daughters are kind of, they got that something with their dads. I've watched more mixed skating than I want to admit to. And as I watched it, I realized you talk about athletes. You talk about strength. And it's not just, I mean, you know, in track, when you run down, like you do the triple jump or the long jump, I mean, it's one person, a lot of power, a lot of strength. They hit, they do it, boom. I mean, you can be ugly in the air.

It doesn't matter. But those dancers on ice, I mean, he moves, she moves, he moves, she moves. She gets ready.

He braces. She goes up in the air, spins around, and he flips her. And you know something? If he's in the wrong spot, she lands on her head. Or that one, have you seen the one where when she comes around, she starts, I mean, guys, this is impossible. You know, like when her leg goes right here. You know that one? And she starts doing this. And then the leg comes down and he grabs the skate and he starts doing this.

Have you seen that one? And in slow motion, her head is like missing the ice like this. I'm thinking, that woman really trusts that man. And that man's really strong. And he knows where to be and when to lift and what to do.

And she knows when to trust and let go and when she needs to be strong. And all of this is done to, there's something in the background, isn't there? There's music. And it's not like they're just doing it. They actually do it together to the music.

And what else is true? It's not like it's the Olympics and they come on the ice. And he turns to her and says, so, what do you want to do tonight? I'll go right, you go left. There was a choreographer.

People get paid lots of money to do what? To mark out every single step, every single move. Now the guy, you've got to be here, you've got to be positioned here. When this happened, you have to jump. When you jump, it has to be at this angle. You must catch her right here. If you don't catch her here, we've got big problems.

And every single movement of that ice dance goes perfectly to the music. Have you ever seen them where they end and the music goes bum and then like three seconds later they go bum? I haven't. Don't they, they end together on time. And what I want to suggest is we ought to can the whole debate issue. Because what if you're right?

I mean, what if you win the debate? It's, I'm supposed to do this, you're supposed to do that. No, I'm supposed to do this, you're supposed to do that. The fact of the matter is when those people are on the ice, it's beautiful. And when they get done, they're beaming. And there is a joy you can see in the man being at the right spot at the right time and the woman doing what the woman's supposed to do and them creating something. I actually got a confession, okay guys, I like it now.

I mean, I'm almost ashamed, but I mean, even when Annie's not there I might sneak a little peek because it's like, this is amazing. What if you looked at your marriage as a dance instead of a debate? Instead of arguing about who's right, who's wrong, oh that's the man's duty, that's the woman's duty. Well if you don't do that, I'm not going to do that.

Well, I've read the man is supposed to do that, why don't you step up and catch me here. What if, you said, if it's not a good dance, it's not a good dance for either of you. I put some notes together and the first question I would ask is, is your marriage a dance or a debate?

And I came across a quote, you ever have something in your file that looks like this? I have no idea where it came from, so anyone that I happen to be stealing from I want you to know before God and these people, I don't know who it is, but it is the greatest little quote about marriage and a dance. And the author says, a good marriage has a pattern like a dance and it's built on some of the same rules. The partners don't need to hold on tightly because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate but swift and free, like a country dance of Mozart.

There's no place here for possessive clutches or clinging arms or a heavy hand, only the barest touch in passing. Now arm and arm, now face to face, now back to back, it doesn't matter which because they know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together and being invisibly nourished by it. When the heart is flooded with love there is no room for fear, for doubt or for hesitation and it is the lack of fear that makes for the dance.

Isn't that neat? It's the lack of fear that makes for the dance. When each partner loves so completely that he has forgotten to ask himself or herself whether or not he's loved in return, only then he loves and is moving in a music then and only then are two people able to dance perfectly in tune with the same rhythm. And I like to say if we looked at it as a dance, what would it look like for you to have a beautiful dance in your marriage? You notice here a great dance demands a few things. One, a choreographer, right? I mean someone has to write out all the steps for both partners.

Second, mutual submission to his steps. I mean when they're on that ice I don't think the girl can say I'm not jumping then. Okay I'm not jumping then. And he says okay you don't jump, next time I won't catch you.

I mean that's not going to work. Someone has to write out all the steps, both partners have to submit to the choreographer. It's got to be real clear. When do you jump and when do I catch? And you know I've never seen it. Have anyone seen where the guy jumps and the girl catches?

225 pounds on a 115 pound little girl, that probably would not be pretty. So you know they got to know what's going on. And then after clarity of roles there's practice, practice and more practice. What they do that looks so effortless, that looks so beautiful, I mean it's months and years on the same routine and practicing and practicing and practicing.

And by the way I've seen some of the footage when they interview them where they show like even in warm ups where they fall. So you never get a dance like this without some bumps on the head and your partner not catching you at the right time or you stepping on their toe. A great dance develops some pretty neat stuff though. A great dance develops an incredible team. Second, it develops balance, timing, rhythm and strength.

What if your marriage was characterized by balance, good sense of timing, what you do when you do it, a sense of rhythm and strength. A good dance brings personal joy and joint fulfillment and finally I have come to realize it's a thing of beauty. God's design for the dance of marriage. Let's look at what he says a man is to do in the dance and a woman is to do in the dance and I like to just take kind of that outline that I gave you about a good dance and let's walk through this together.

First of all, mutual submission to the choreographer. Ephesians 4 is going to teach us how to live this brand new life. We're going to talk about this new purity we have before God and relationships and then in Ephesians 5 18 we're told be filled, there's a command, an imperative with the Spirit. Be controlled with the Spirit. And then the evidence of being controlled, you're going to speak to another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, giving thanks for all things. And then the ultimate umbrella that will take this section of the passage into the entire rest of the book is verse 21.

So the context of all that he's going to say about marriage, all he's going to say about parenting, all he's going to say about the child-parent relationship is an evidence of the Spirit controlling you. So what you need to hear is there's a dance happening but the dance is going to happen inside this box and the box is verse 21. And God is the choreographer. He's written the steps and he says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Mutual submission to the choreographer. In God's economy, he doesn't even start with where the woman does this, the man does this, this, no, no, no. And by the way, you can do cultures all over the world and they've got it all different ways. He says, look, first of all, submit to one another with what focus?

Out of fear or reverence for Christ. It's a very ancient word here, submit. It's a compound word, hupo, to be under Tasso, under the rank.

It means to be under the commanding officer. It's the idea of being subject to one another. It's a picture of people who relate in a marriage with no self-assertive independent nature.

One commentator, I love he put it this way, it's a desire to desire less than one's due, a sweet reasonableness of attitude in response to the Spirit's control to consider your mate more important than yourself. You see, when we're going to talk about the dance, here's the given. The box that God describes the dance of male-female relationships in marriage has this umbrella. And the umbrella is the man and the woman, before they ever take the first step, they say, God, you are my Lord. Out of reverence for you and what you've done for me, I first and foremost want to surrender my selfish desires.

I want to love you by loving my mate. And do you see where that removes an awful lot of the, well, let's see, she does that and he does that. All of a sudden, you only start the dance with a desire to receive less than your due. To give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Submit to one another out of the fear of Christ. And then now that you're walking with the Lord, you want to obey him, you want to serve and help your mate. Well, if you're going to dance together, he says, okay, now, help me if I'm wrong, but when they get on the skates and the music starts, they both can't, someone has to take the first step so the other person can follow.

Doesn't make them superior or better. It's not about inequality, but someone has to take the first step so they can get in the rhythm of the choreographer and the music. And what God says is a word to women is follow his lead.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll get back to our series Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage in just a minute. But first, if this teaching has ministered to you, consider becoming a monthly partner. Your regular financial support goes a long way to help us encourage pastors, create resources, and share Jesus with today's youth. Visit livingontheedge.org today to learn how to support us.

Well, with that, here again is Chip. Verse 22, wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. You might circle the word submit. It's the same one, but this submission is sort of a small s under the capital S submission of first to God. So he says, wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord.

Why? For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he's the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also the wives submit to their husbands in everything. And I know some of you are saying, Chip, you can frame this any way you want, but that just sounds very, that sounds very provincial, that sounds very politically incorrect, and I can't believe you're saying that this is how it works even under the submission of God.

Well, let me tell you this. When it was written, it was far more politically incorrect than today, but for just the opposite reason. During this time that Paul wrote this, he is actually treating women as a co-heir of the grace of God. When Paul wrote this, a woman was a piece of property and you could buy a wife cheaper than you could buy a slave often. When Paul wrote this, Jews would, although their theology would tell them different, their practice was to get up every day and after they thanked God for who he was, the next part of their prayer every morning is, I thank God I'm not a woman.

How'd you like to be married to that guy? The Greeks in this time in the literature comes out, they change wives like tissue paper. One Greek philosopher said during this period, wives are meant for being given in marriage divorce and being married again. When Paul wrote this, a guy could go through 20, 30, 40 wives, and if you don't measure up, you had no rights, you're a piece of property, forget it. So Paul is creating this husband-wife co-heirs of the grace of God. In Galatians, he'll say, even in the body of Christ, there's not male or female, slave or free.

He'll say, you all are co-heirs of the grace of God. Not only does she have personhood, but you are to treat this person that the world says is a slave and worthless and of lesser value. You're supposed to treat her the way Christ loved the church. You're to sacrifice your life for her.

Now, I just want to tell you how this works. So when the people read this, if you think this sounds politically incorrect like, I'm going to submit, I'm going to respect and I'll teach you in a minute what it means and what it doesn't mean, the people in the first century had just the same response for the opposite reason. You mean to tell me a woman's worth that? You know what, in one pocket I can get three or four wives if I want to. You know what, even in Judaism, you could divorce your wife in part of the literature for burning the toast. You're done.

Next. And so what you need to hear, you need to hear this through, it may not be politically correct then, it may not be politically correct now, but what's important is that if you want a great dance, if you want your marriage to work, if you want it to be a thing of rhythm and beauty and intimacy, God says someone has to take the first step so the other person can take the next step. Someone needs to be built in such a way when they come that they can lift the other person and someone needs to have some grace and beauty.

I just can't see a lot of those guys spinning up in the air like those girls do. And he's saying you're uniquely made, let me tell you under the submission of the lordship of Christ how it works. And so as the church submits to Christ, wives should also submit to their husbands in everything. And by the way, this idea of submitting to your husband, it's as unto the Lord. It's not that I obey my husband exactly how I obey Christ. I submit to how God is going to lead as an act of lordship to say God you are sovereignly in control and you place this man to catch me and hold me and I am doing this as an act of worship to you. Because the average woman, the biggest hardest part of submitting is looking kind of across the chair or across the room and saying yeah I don't know if that guy is going to make the right decision.

I don't know if I jump if he will or can catch me. And so a lot of wives never get to where they get into the room of the dance for all the fears of what might happen. And he says well just do it as unto the Lord. And by the way, in every relationship, every organization, every institution, someone leads, right? Someone leads.

And you know people want to debate this and fight about it. The buck stops somewhere in every relationship. It'd be interesting if I ask you who's the leader in your house? And by that, who takes initiative? Who has the weight of responsibility?

Who has the job in your house of initiating the part of the dance, doing the heavy lifting and loving the way Christ loved the church? And this may be a little uncomfortable but I'll let you know here in just one second. I have five questions to ask you and how you answer these questions will tell you exactly who's leading. Okay?

Really, really simple. Question number one is who handles the money? Not necessarily just who handles the checks, who feels the moral weight of what's happening financially in your house? Question number two, when both of you are home, who disciplines the children? Question number three, who initiates talking about future plans or addressing problems?

See, leaders initiate, leaders see needs, needs, leaders provide, leaders protect. Question number four, who asks the most questions and who makes the most statements? I was with a young couple recently and they were conversing probably for about an hour and a half as I was around them and I heard the young man say, honey, where do you want me to put this diaper? Question.

Honey, where do you want to go for lunch? Question. What do you think I ought to do with this? Question. What about this?

Do you think maybe we should do this? Question. We've got a big decision to make. What do you think we ought to do?

Question. It's a very strong guy, but he's abdicated almost all of his leadership. Who's feeling all the weight to make all the decisions? The wife. Who ends up usually handling the money in most homes and feels the weight of them? The wife. When two people are together and a kid's out of line, who gets out of the lazy boy or who's the person who's probably already up and addressed his issue?

The wife. But what we've done is we've reversed a lot of roles. That's what leaders do. Leaders take initiative. Leaders provide. Leaders see what needs to happen. And by the way, when we do that, then it's easy to submit. When we don't, we'll learn in a minute.

It's kind of hard. So I hope that didn't kind of jolt your world a little bit, but this issue of who takes the first step initiates is not all that hard to figure out. But what God is saying in this dance is women, follow his lead. The command, be subject, same word, hupotaso, to your husband as an act of obedience and reverence to Christ. The reason, the husband is the head. And you know what, there's been lots of articles written and it's just very interesting to watch the literature that goes back and forth, but you can do lots of word studies in Greek about head, and the word head means head. And the way it's used all throughout is it's a position of authority. Okay?

That's not politically correct either. Open your Bibles to 1 Corinthians chapter 11, and I want to give you a picture. See, we think headship has to do with inferiority and superiority. We think headship has to do with one-upmanship. What you're going to find is headship really is where the buck stops. It's not so much who makes the decisions, it's who is ultimately responsible.

That's the key. And what you're going to find is, is that there is no lower level or lack of authority or equality or importance unless you have really marred theology. 1 Corinthians chapter 11, skip down to verse 3, Paul is talking about being an imitator of him like he imitates Christ, and then he praises them in verse 2, remembering and telling them to hold firmly to the traditions as he taught. And then notice verse 3, but I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. Now, is Jesus less than God? No. Is he inferior than God the Father?

No. But what's he say? In function and design in the Godhead, Jesus willfully, voluntarily, in fact the word for submit here, it's in what's called the middle voice, it's a woman voluntarily of herself submitting out of reverence to God and out of love for the husband.

And this is not a big thumb on top of the woman going, you've got to submit. This is God saying, living out the lordship of Christ the way the dance works best, is I want you of your own volition to voluntarily respond in this way, the same way Jesus responds to the Father. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message, Men and Women Enjoying the Difference from our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Many philosophers and writers have likened marriage to a journey or an adventure.

So if that's true, how do we know where to go next or what to do? Well through this series Chip will share God's roadmap to a flourishing relationship between a husband and wife, learn how to better communicate, build deeper intimacy and navigate conflict when it comes. Whether you've been together for 40 years, engaged or terrified of the possibility of getting married, you're going to learn a lot from Chip's teaching. Well, Chip's joined me in studio now with something special he'd like to share with all of you. I want to pause just for a minute and if you're a financial partner with Living on the Edge, I just want you to hear a message that we've received from a lady named Kelly who listens every single day. She said, thanks so much for your ministry and daily podcast.

I listen every day. I'm a recovering addict of many things. I grew up in a Christian family and was saved at the age of 17.

Shortly after that, because of peer pressure in school, started doing drugs. I now have a few years of sobriety and God saved my life and he is totally removed the physical urge to use drugs and alcohol and cigarettes. I've now joined an awesome church that has small groups and Christ has blessed me in recovery meetings. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your life with others. You've made a positive difference in my life. You know, Kelly is one of hundreds, actually thousands of emails that we get at Living on the Edge. I just call them life change.

Spirit of God took the word of God and it might have been on a podcast, could have been on the radio, could have been in a small group, could have even been a CD or a book, but God intervenes with their life and something happens that changes the course of their life. And I just want to pause and thank you. You know, some of you write a check every month. Some of you have it taken out of your account every month.

Some of you like once a quarter, twice a year, you give to Living on the Edge. I want to remind you what it actually does. It's not about giving money. It's about extending ministry and changing lives. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And if by chance you're listening and you're thinking, you know, I've never given to Living on the Edge, but I'd like to get in on that, we'll give you a very simple way of how you can join the team and really make a difference.

Thanks Chip. Well, if Kelly's story inspired you and you'd like to become part of our team, we'd love to have you join us. Your support helps us reach more people with biblical teaching as we encourage Christians everywhere to live like Christians. Now to give a gift, go to livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. Again, that's 888-333-6003 or visit livingontheedge.org. Have listeners tap donate and thanks in advance for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do.

Well, here again is Chip to share his application. As we close today's program, I want to just give a word of encouragement to two groups. And the first group is ladies who, as you listen to what I said, you just thought, buddy, you have no idea the man that I'm living with. And what I want to say to you is that you really need to understand the issue is not your husband.

The issue is can you trust God? And that making the battle authority is not going to bring about results. And I want you to know in our next broadcast, this is going to get balanced out. But in our next broadcast, I will let you know what it does not mean. It doesn't mean he calls all the shots. It doesn't mean you're a doormat.

It doesn't mean you're inferior. It doesn't mean that you need to do anything that's unreasonable or ungodly and some other things like that will develop. But what does it mean for you? What do you need to do to submit from the heart? And as I've shared with Teresa on occasion, honey, when you agree with me and you think it's the right thing to do, that's not exactly submission. I mean, submission is like when you think, Chip, I really don't think that's what we need to do, and as I've worked it through and we can't agree on this, honey, I really believe this is God's will.

It's you saying, well, you know, I'm going to trust God because I sure don't trust you on this one. And you know what? Sometimes I've really been right, and she said, wow, I'm so glad for you. And you know what?

Sometimes I've been wrong, and I've seen it and I've learned, but knowing that she was for me and with me, some really good things came out of that. And so there is a dance. Let God be the choreographer.

Focus on the steps He's given to you, not on the steps He's given to your mate. And guys, let me just say one word to you. Lead. Lead lovingly. Lead well.

Make it easy to follow. And don't use this as a club. You are to serve her the way Christ serves the church.

Give your life for your wife. Great word, Chip. And as we close, would you pray for those feeling challenged to respond to Chip's encouragement right now? There's always a spiritual battle when we feel prompted to respond to what God is directing us to do.

Thanks for taking a minute to do that. And if there's a way we can pray for you, let us know. Call us at 888-333-6003 or email chip at livingontheedge.org. We'd love to hear from you. We'll listen to next time as Chip wraps up his series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Until then, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge.