Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Conflict Resolution: How to Fight Fair in Marriage, Part 2

Conflict.

It is inevitable, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. However, left unresolved, conflict has the power to destroy even the strongest marriages. So how do you resolve conflict?

How do you work through it effectively? That's what we're going to talk about today. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Living on the Edge is an international teaching and discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. And today Chip continues our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, with the second half of his talk, Conflict Resolution, How to Fight Fair in Marriage. And in case you missed part one of this message, visit livingontheedge.org or the Chip Ingram map to catch up.

I think it'll be well worth your time. Well, there's a lot more helpful content to get to on this topic, so let's join Chip now for today's talk. Now what I'd like to do is I want to walk through an acronym. Are you ready for this? DEFUSE. Can you believe I used that acronym? We want to defuse the conflict. Literally, I looked this up in Webster's. It's the idea of something that's kind of coming to a boil, and to defuse means to spread it out.

We want to defuse the anger, defuse the argument, defuse the conflict so that instead of it being attacking one another, you defuse it to the point where both of you get God's perspective and you resolve it God's way. So here's what I want you to do. Some of you, this will be very easy. All right? Some of you, maybe you've had a good last couple, three weeks, try and remember. I want you to bring to your mind the biggest conflict in your marriage right now. Okay? I mean, let's not go through this like I'm going to give you something to do for each of these letters and you all go, oh boy, that was so good. Wasn't that wonderful? If we ever have a fight or a disagreement, this will be nice.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I want you to think of the biggest conflict in your marriage right now. Maybe it's where some money's being spent. Maybe it's in the areas of intimacy in your life.

Maybe it's in terms of where you're going to locate. Maybe it's an issue about how you discipline the kids. I don't know what it is. Unfulfilled longings, frustrations, but I want you to think of, this is the biggest conflict in our marriage right now. Now, what I want to do is walk through a process to say, instead of attacking or withdrawing, how in the world can we do this God's way? And before I do, can I give you one quick, you know, those word pictures we're talking about, I'm going to give you a little word picture that will help you recognize how you tend to respond. When you have conflict, you tend to respond either as a turtle or as a shark.

Okay, those are just the normal ways that people respond. So sometimes there's conflict and there's hurt and there's an argument and there's something. Some people are turtles. What do turtles do? They stick their head back in the shell and then they pull their little limbs in. Turtles will not speak to you for hours or sometimes days at a time.

That means you have a problem in your relationship. Turtles often face the other wall that we talked about at bedtime, letting you know they don't really want to talk to you or be around you. Turtles withdraw affection. Turtles will not hug you or kiss you in ways that make you feel like there's a real person inside hugging you or kissing you.

You know, they give you the old, hmm, or you get the cold, silent shoulder. And by the way, this is just kind of, we all learn from our families and our personalities how to deal with conflict. So this is, this is like in your DNA.

You've been trained by this. Turtles avoid. If there's conflict, hmm, let's not talk about that. They redirect, let's do this. Oh, why don't we do something else? Hey, maybe we should go on vacation.

Let's not talk about that right now. Whatever it takes to avoid the conflict, to not face difficult issues, that's what turtles do. Sometimes they run to mother. Sometimes they run to pain. Sometimes they run to alcohol or drugs or spending or pleasure or buying things they can't afford. Now, by contrast, sharks, when there's conflict, they start swimming the water. Have you seen like on the Discovery Channel, you know, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, you know, right? You know, they, hey, there's conflict.

We're gonna get it solved and we're gonna get it solved now. And their goal is to win. And so sharks have different games. They play the mind reading game. You only did that when you were trying to be nice because you felt guilty, didn't you? See, I can read your mind. I'm the mini psychologist. Or, you know, when you bring up something, a shark will say something.

Well, anyway, if you think my office is filthy, look at yours. Or if you did this, you know, they will do the switcheroo. So what they do is they take any issue that's brought up, they spin it real quickly and they dagger right back at you. If you're thinking to yourself, this guy really is good on the shark side of it, there's a reason. Sharks keep score. Sharks play in their mind and comes out of their mouth, well, I'm trying harder than you are.

You know, if you try as hard as me, then this marriage will be what it's supposed to be. Sharks use logic to escape emotional reality. When someone gives a shark an I feel message, this is what I'm feeling and I think we need to deal with this, they intellectualize it and say, well, in light of your childhood and the sociological issues that you were brought up with and in light of sort of the DNA patterns that I've noticed over the last 26 years of marriage, I can see where someone with your pathology might feel that way.

Basically discounting the message. Sharks use their intellect to diffuse things in their mind because the goal for sharks is to win. Sharks, when it really gets bad, you know it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes, hey, you know what, I'll tell you what, I'll just divorce you and you'll see how it's the atom bomb attack, the big threat. Trying to bring fear into the relationship to make the other person submit and shut up and not face it. Sharks humiliate their partners. Statements come out and you get this, even if they don't say it, there's this kind of, how could you be so stupid? I mean, how could you, did your mom not raise any smart kids?

I mean, you know, that is ludicrous. There's this air of sophistication where they go up and they put you down. And by the way, what does this do?

It just closes down everything, doesn't it? And what's it teach you? It teaches you, if you're married to a shark, you know, when I talked about bringing up conflict and I feel messages and doing it gently, some of you, the knots started in your stomach and you're thinking, I've done that before and I've got a wound here and a shark bite right here. And some of you are married to turtles and you live with constant frustration.

It's like the guessing game. Is something wrong? Is something wrong? Is something wrong? I can kind of tell something's wrong. I think something's wrong.

I mean, the fact we haven't talked in a week and a half, maybe, would you write me a note? I think something's wrong. Now let me ask you this question. Now not that any of you are full-blooded sharks or big, big turtles, but if I had to make you put yourself in the shark or the turtle category, which are you? How do you respond to conflict? What do you tend to do? And see, the reason I want you to get that down is because when I'm going to walk through this major conflict, you need to do it through the lens of realizing my natural inclination is to attack. You attack, why? Because you're insecure like me and you don't want the other person to see your shame and your failure. Or you're going to withdraw. Why are you going to withdraw?

Because you're insecure like me and everybody else and you don't want to face difficult, hard things that might come up. And all I'm saying is, if there's any encouragement in Christ, if there's any consolation of love, if there's any fellowship of the Spirit, be of the same mind toward one another, be of the same purpose. Don't think only on your own interests, but think also the interests of others. Let's figure a way to not be a shark or a turtle and get this on the table and deal with it. And I hope right now you're saying, how?

Okay, you ready? The D stands for define the problem. Define the problem.

And what I mean by this, define it on your own. When a conflict begins, the biggest mistake is verbalizing and trying to find and solve it with the other person. Because most of the time we're dealing with symptoms. But you have a problem, we jump in and as soon as you get attacked, then the turtle and the shark start showing up. And now and then, a turtle, if it's in the shell, tell you what, when you see a turtle that decides to have a shark day, it's scary.

They come out with a snapping turtle because they can only take so much so long. And so this is what you need to do on your own. One of the reasons I keep a journal is I have little things that bother me all the time, not just about my marriage, but lots of things. And what we tend to do is not process our feelings on what's going on and then we want to blame shift, right? We learned it, Adam did it, Eve did it.

So we're the sons and daughters. So we find someone that we're going to punish or blame shift even when we're not sure what's going on inside. And who do you do that with?

The people you love the most that are safest. So you tend to do that with your mate. And so my encouragement is to find the problem on your own. And so I write down things like what's bothering me? How do I feel?

When did this begin? And as one of the great Spurgeons said, he says, I pray my way near and I write my way clear. When I don't know what's going on inside and you're not sure, just start writing.

I feel. God, I don't understand. There's anger going on in my heart right now and I can't figure out exactly where it's coming from.

And pretty soon you write your way clear. But what you want to do is define the problem. Is the problem really the spending? Is that what really is bothering you? Is the problem the argument about the kids or is it philosophical?

Is there a different belief system? I mean, define the problem on your own and get to where you can separate the problem from the person. Because as long as they're connected, every time you talk about the problem and you have some emotion behind it, what you're communicating is attack on the person. And so you want to get that problem and say, you know, what's really going on here? And that'll take some time. And you pray. And you write. And you think. Then second, once you define the problem, you think, you know, I think this is the issue. I think this is the problem.

And by the way, it's I think. Because you don't know for sure until you talk with your mate. Second then, the I stands for initiate a time to talk. Initiate a time to talk.

And by the way, I would say that you need to do that when it's good for you and when it's good for them. When you're a shark, when you go away and define the problem, what I do is I come home and say, Teresa, I need to talk right now. She's in the kitchen. She's doing this. She's doing that. She's been up early. Maybe there was two kids.

She had other issues. I'm going to talk. I'm going to talk right now. And it was just like, you're nuts, Chip.

You're nuts. I'm not ready to talk. Initiate a time to talk. And it may be something like you know what? We had that fighter argument a couple days ago. I've been away. I've been thinking. I've been praying.

When would be a good time in the next 24 to 48 hours to sit down and talk about this? And then write it down. The scripture says the discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. The discerning heart seeks knowledge. You want to define that problem, figure out what's going on. And then it's not like if the turtle says, well, I'd like to talk about this in six months.

That's not one of the options, okay? You know, tell me in the next 24 to 48 hours or so, look at your calendar. Because remember what Jesus said in Matthew 5? If you come there before the Father and are there offering your offering, and you realize your brother, in this case your mate, has something against you, leave your offering there, go to them, and make it right. Because when you have unresolved issues that don't get resolved, all that stuff starts getting down in here. And I'll tell you, it'll pop out in your speech, it'll pop out in your sex life, it'll pop out in your behavior, and pretty soon you'll have all these symptoms going because the real issue doesn't get dealt with. Define the problem, initiate a time to talk that's good for both of you.

Don't be pushy, but don't procrastinate. And then the F stands for focus on the perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs 18, 19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.

Now listen to that again. An offended brother, let me take a little license here. An offended mate is more unyielding than a, think of a fortified city with all the walls and all the ramparts. And disputes, arguments, are like barred gates of a citadel.

When we wound our mate, walls start going up. And so you need to focus on the perceived problem and not the person. Every argument, every big conflict always ends up one of two things, a win-win or a lose-lose. Write that down, it's a win-win or a lose-lose. If you win and your mate loses, you're won organically before God, you've just hated yourself. And it'll come back to bite you.

You never win, oh I won this battle, good for you, and you just lost the war. Whatever has to happen, you need to do it in a way. It's either going to be a win-win for both of you, and so you focus on the problem and not the person.

You don't bring up their parents, you don't bring up their past, you don't bring up past stuff. This is the problem. This is what I perceive it to be. It may not be the right problem, but you say that's what I'm going to focus on. And so you avoid messages like you should, you always, you ought. And instead, okay, write in your notes here, write that I feel message. I feel this when this happens, therefore, my perspective, I try and use that, I'm not as good as I should be, my perspective is I think this is the issue versus this is the issue. In other words, I know. So D, define the problem.

I initiate a time to talk. F, focus on the perceived problem. And then the next F is for feel their pain as though it were your own. Proverbs 17 says, a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity. Our first calling to our mates, and this is hard, our first calling to our mates is not what they give to us, but you are, remember, you are an agent of grace. Think of yourself as a pastor or a minister, okay? And God has all these people in the world and you are the minister or the priest or the pastor that he's going to use more than any person in the world, more than the greatest Bible teachers, whoever they are, the greatest worship services, the greatest music, the person he's going to use to make your mate the most like Jesus is you. And we have a high priest who's sympathetic with our needs, right? Who in every way was tempted, but he didn't sin.

It's Hebrews 2.18. And so what that means is when I come before the throne of grace and I'm struggling and I'm hurting and I'm lonely and I'm depressed and I've messed up and I feel condemned, I come to a priest who feels my pain, who understands where I'm coming from. I don't come to a God whose arms are crossed and toe is tapping and has a long, long finger like this going, boy, I was waiting for you to come.

Ingram, you know what? You have really been messing up and I've been talking to Gabriel and the angels about you and boy, I'll tell you what, we're ready to... That's not who I meet. I meet a coming to me all you that labor and a heavy laden. I meet the father of the prodigal who says, I understand you messed up.

I died for those mess ups. My command is come boldly where? To the throne of grace, unmerited favor, to get what? Mercy in your time of need. What's mercy? Mercy is God withholding what you deserve for what you did bad. And so I want to be a priest to my wife and God wants her to be a priest to me and the only way to do that is, and this is so hard for us men, I mean I struggle with this, to feel the pain of where they're at.

And you might jot in the corner word pictures. I have been so hard headed in areas and Teresa has reminded me and she goes, you really don't get it, do you? And I kept telling her, yeah I do, yeah I do, yeah I do. Now she goes, you really don't.

And you know, I'm preparing all this stuff on marriage, isn't this great? And so you know what I realized? I don't.

I don't get it. The issue we're talking about, because I intellectualized and I logic'd it and I put Bible verses to it and this is, I didn't feel. I didn't feel what she was feeling. I didn't transpose myself for a while and say, I wonder what it's like to be her in this situation, in this stage of life and have these things coming at you. What would that produce in your heart?

I didn't do that. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll return you to Chip's message in just a minute, but let me quickly share with you, God has called us to do incredible ministry work all around the world. And when you partner with us financially, you're part of what we do. So join us today by going to livingontheedge.org.

We appreciate you giving whatever God leads you to give. Well with that, here's Chip. And so I was working from the neck up and said, well here, we need to do this, we ought to do this, we need to do this. And I caused a lot of pain and I messed up. Any of you other guys ever do that? And you know, this isn't just a male thing.

I mean, there's a lot of men. It's just harder for us. You have to pull out what we feel because we don't know what we feel a lot.

What we're good at is not feeling. In fact, even asks us a lot of questions. How many times does your husband say, oh, I'm really feeling vulnerable right now. Is that what you're getting from your man? You know, when's the last time you had a deep conversation your husband said, you know, I'm feeling kind of alone and vulnerable and I just feel like I want God to hold me. I mean, that sounds like you're not a real man. And the fact of the matter is I'll guarantee your husband feels lonely and like he longs for God to hold him and longs that there's someone who's big and powerful and strong and accepting. Because you know what, he has all the same struggles and all the fears you do. But we've grown up in a world where, you know, real men are macho men.

And we haven't had a lot of models to learn how to process. You know what, the God that we serve is the God of Zephaniah 3.17. The Lord your God is with you. He's mighty to save. He will quiet you with his love. He will sing, rejoice over you with singing. You know, the heart of the man when you feel alone and you feel all this pressure and you don't know what to do, to be able to come before God and realize he's mighty to deliver. He will quiet you, not with his power, with his love, that you're okay. That he'll never leave you.

That the thought of, you know, God singing over you, rejoicing over you, not because of what you did or what you didn't do, that you know what, life's okay because you're loved by him. And the person who's going to communicate that a lot is you. And your husband needs it. You need to feel what the pressures are that he feels. He's not some robot that just gets up and makes stuff happen.

He's got fearful things inside of him. You know, if we could understand that every woman at some point in time, there's a lot of little girl in her, and every man, no matter how big or powerful or wealthy, there's a little boy in him too. And part of what we need to do is learn how to love that person.

And that means you've got to not just define the problem, initiate a time to focus on the problem, not the person, but you need to feel their pain as though it were your own. And by the way, I just realized too, guys, you don't have to understand it. It doesn't have to be logical. It doesn't even have to make sense. You know, I would go, well, that doesn't make sense. So I would say stuff like this to Teresa. Why are you feeling that way?

That is, by the way, a very dumb question. Why are you feeling? Feelings are. They're the caboose in life, all right? They're just the caboose in life. The will is the engine.

But the caboose is, you know, that chooser is what happens. Feelings come, feelings go. I mean, it's everything from bad experience to a bad enchilada. Who knows why we feel all the things we feel? And then after you feel, then you uncover the root problem. Most conflicts by and large are symptoms.

Root problems not dealt with will forever surface over and over and over in the same kind of issues. Did you notice in your notes, and I just gave you some common symptoms, if you find you're arguing about money all the time, probably the issue is not money, okay? The problem in likelihood is you've got different values, you've got different priorities or there's power and control issues in your relationship. Why did you spend the money here? Well, you're saying, well, our goals are here, but you spent it there.

Or our priority, we should have spent it here instead of here. Or who has real control in the relationship? Well, money begins to reveal those deep-seated issues. You need to get those issues on the table and talk about them.

Or the second symptom here is sex. Often, not always, but often it's communication. I don't feel love. We're not communicating there.

I don't feel close to you. If I don't feel like we're connecting intellectually and emotionally and we're talking things through, then getting together physically, that's not doing it for me. Or maybe it's an unmet emotional need.

You want to be with me in a physical way, but I don't feel like kind of that triangle again. There is the spirit, the soul, and the body. And when the soul and the spirit's not being nurtured, you know what? That other person may not feel like getting together physically is such a wonderful, loving thing. For many, you know, it's past baggage in history. For many of us men, understanding where our wives have been. I mean, this is delicate and sensitive, but we better say it sometime somewhere, right?

If you haven't had a good conversation in an appropriate way and maybe it's with a good counselor to understand your mate's sexual history, if they have real struggles in this area, you know what? Don't live your whole life there. Go get some help.

I mean, when a woman has been abused or if a woman has been through major rejection, there's multiple issues that impact this area. And you know what? You can just keep doing this forever and ever and ever and ever. Get down to the root issue. Or if the arguments are about in-laws, the roots are usually loyalty or expectations. How many arguments have we all had about where are you going to go to Christmas and are the kids coming here?

We've done this forever, right? Or how much money did you spend for them, you know, your in-laws and this? It's about, I spent a good portion of the early years of my marriage communicating wrongly to my wife unintentionally that my parents were more important than her. And I didn't feel it and I didn't get it until bang, I got it. And I realized we were arguing about things because my parents were treating her in a way that were pitting me between them and I was feeling like, and she needed to know, hey, if there's ever an issue, it's us against the world. And that means times you have to say some hard things to your parents or in-laws and say, hey, here's some boundaries.

And you know what? We're a team and you can't treat me nice and her not nice. But those arguments have to do with loyalty and allegiance. And finally, if you argue a lot about children and work, it's about roles and goals. The root issue is what's our goal as a couple and why are we spending so much time with the kids or so much time at work? Or what's our roles? You know, this is happening with the children. My expectations are you handle this.

Well, mine were that you would handle this. Well, you can keep arguing and arguing and arguing until you get down to, so what should our roles be and what are our goals? Okay, walk through it with me.

You ready? D stands for define the problem. I stands for initiate a time to talk. F is focus on the problem, not the person. The next F is feel how what's going on. The U is uncover the root symptoms. And then the S is set things right between you.

It's a very, very simple one. Set things right between you. Therefore, confess your sins to one another that you may be healed. Own your responsibility. Confess, and by the way, don't do this in general ways. I was wrong.

And then fill in the specific. Not I'm really sorry for all that I did. There's something about that. It's kind of like when you say at bedtime, dear God, forgive me for all of my sins. You know, there's something that doesn't feel real cleansing about that, is it? Now, I mean, he understands the unknown sins, but, you know, when he's pointed out this, this, this, this, he kind of wants you to have that personal talk and say, you know, Lord, I'm really sorry about this. And, you know, when you say to your mate, I'm sorry for any way I've hurt you ever in our marriage in the last 27 years. Hey, I feel better.

How about you? You know, it doesn't fly, does it? It needs to be specific and from the heart and contrite. And this is about, you know, setting things right is owning your responsibility. And then it's saying, I was wrong. And the next line is, will you forgive me? And I think this is important to look and look in their face. Will you forget? It's a request. And I think it's very important that you don't just, oh yeah, it's okay.

No, it's not okay. You know, just as I've again been doing this series, you know, God has brought some things to mind where I, I have in the very, you know, recent time had to realize, wow, I was wrong. Will you please forgive me? And I appreciate my wife as she looked me right now. He says, I forgive you for what you've done.

And then it's behind us. Do you realize how many couples never have that little conversation with those few words? I was wrong. Will you forgive me? And then to hear from the other person, I forgive you.

You know what that does? That's like going over to the big relational chalkboard or whiteboard of your relationship and you erase it and you erase it. Does it mean that things are never going to go up there again? No, but for now you erase it and you're clean before one another. And then when you forgive, you release. And that means you can't use stuff to bring it up in the past for the next round of conflict.

And that's a choice. The E is establish a specific action plan that addresses the issues discussed and you write it down. If you think I'm really big on writing stuff down, it's because if you don't write stuff down, nothing really happens and you don't have a track record and your view and remembrance of the situation will be very different than your mates. Well, I thought we said we were going to, well, I thought you said, we're not going to do that.

Did I really say that? You know, get a calendar out and then get a piece of paper out. And then this sounds maybe pedantic, but it's very helpful. And as a husband, you say, I commit to blank by blank.

And it might be, hey, I'm not sure what to do. I commit to think about this for three days and come back with three suggestions about how to deal with this. Or it might be, you know, I commit to have a conference once a week.

Or forget that. I commit to do it this Thursday and then next Thursday we'll talk about doing one next week. I commit to planning a weekend away in the next three months. And so the husband does that and the wife does that. And you see what it does? It takes you from a problem that gets blown out of proportion and you take the pie of your relationship and that problem is a slice and it's usually about 5%, maybe 3%. And instead of arguing and bickering and hurting and wounding so that it goes to 10 and 15 and 20 and 30 and 40% and pretty soon you're saying, I've got a terrible marriage, it really stinks, I can't live with this person. You focus on all that God has done and then you diffuse it and you say, you know what, let's define this problem.

Why don't we initiate a time to talk? You know, I'm going to focus on the problem, not the person. You know, I really want to feel how you're really feeling. Let's get down below what's really happening. You know what I see in this problem?

I need to own this. And now let's establish a plan to make some progress. And you're always going to have those slices, right? You're going to have conflict.

I mean, running backs get tackled. That's just the way it goes. It's a fallen world. You're going to have conflict but you know what, you can take that little diffuse and you can say, this is how we're going to work through it. And when you do, I will tell you, God is gracious and kind and loving and His word to us, I believe, would come out of James chapter 1 as you listen to what I've just said.

Because this is where the road meets the road, isn't it? James 1 verse 22 to 25 says, do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves, do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but doesn't do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror after looking at himself goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it, he will be blessed in all he does.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard, Conflict Resolution, How to Fight Fair in Marriage, is from our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Movies, romance novels, and social media constantly tell us that the purpose of marriage is to find love or a soul mate. But in reality, that idea hasn't really worked out for many couples, has it? In this 12-part study, Chip examines the biblical design for marriage and explains how you and your spouse can experience all God intended for your relationship.

Now, if you want a marriage that lasts and is more fulfilling than any fairy tale, don't miss any part of this series. Well, I'm joined in studio now by Chip, and Chip, over the past few years, we've witnessed God bless the work of this ministry in incredible ways. And the primary reason we've had this growth is because of the support of our faithful listeners. Now, take a minute, if you would, and talk about what it looks like for people to stand with us financially to help Christians everywhere live like Christians. I'd be glad to, Dave. What we're really looking for is people who say, Freely, I've received. I want to be a part.

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Pray about it, and then do whatever God shows you. Thanks, Chip. We believe helping Christians really live like Christians will radically change the world we're living in. So if you'd like to be part of that mission, we'd love to have you join the team. Now to become a monthly partner, go to livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003, or visit livingontheedge.org.

App listeners, tap donate. Well, with that, here's Chip to share a few final thoughts for us to think about. As we close today's program, I want to give you a word picture. I want to give you a picture of the conflict in your relationship as this harsh light. Have you ever seen harsh light come through blinds where when you look up, I mean, you know, it blinds you, or coming over a hill in the car at a certain time of the day where the sun comes, and literally you can't even see the road?

That's what happens with conflict. And what we're talking about, this acronym, DEFUSE, is how to put on some spiritual sunglasses. Or if you've ever seen in a room, picture with me this light coming in, and then it hits something, and as you see it, as you step back away from the room, how when it first comes through the blinds, it's really strong, but as you look all the way across the room, how it gets diffused, sometimes you can even see the particles of dust as the light spreads from a beam farther and farther out.

Well, you can deal with that kind of light. That's what we're talking about is the specific way to take that conflict that ignites your heart and your passions and your anger and your wounds, and that resurrects bitterness, and when you make up names for one another and talk about family members from the past, and when you can talk about, I mean, how they have done something 11 years ago that you still haven't let go of, and on and on and on, it can be diffused. But there's no way you're going to remember DEFUSE. It will take some time.

I mean, resolving conflict, what you realize is about the first half of it, I need to go in a room by myself and get things clear and right and let things diffuse in me, and so get alone with God, write things down when you're clothed and in your right mind, and then go with your mate calmly, lovingly, empowered by the Spirit, diffuse the conflict, express love, be forgiven, extend forgiveness, and move ahead. Thanks Chip. And if you want to go back and study those points Chip just reviewed, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org and download his message notes.

This is a great tool available for every program. It has Chip's outline, all of the scripture he references, and a few key fill-ins to help you remember what you're learning. Find him by visiting LivingOnTheEdge.org under the Broadcasts tab, App Listeners tab fill-in notes. Well, thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Drouin, and I hope you'll join us again next time.