Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Conflict Resolution: How to Fight Fair in Marriage, Part 1

What is the biggest source of conflict in your marriage right now? Is it kids? Job? Money? In-laws? How would you like to get those issues resolved in a way that nobody gets hurt?

How would you like to learn to fight fair in your marriage? That's today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram.

In just a minute, we'll dive back into our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Let me say, out of everything Chip's taught us so far, this program might be the most valuable one you hear. Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship. We have to know how to handle and address it in a biblical way. So today Chip will teach us not necessarily how to resolve conflict, but how to approach it gently so nobody loses.

So if you're ready to learn more about how to do that, here now is Chip with his insightful talk. One of the first things I want to say is you have to get over this naive unbiblical notion that conflict is wrong and abnormal. Okay? There's many of you that you were brought up in households, don't argue. Stop arguing.

Don't do that. You believe, I mean it's so subtle, conflict is wrong. Conflict is bad. An argument, a discussion, a disagreement, having feelings that don't line up with the other person automatically you think, we have this big problem. I want to tell you that conflict is normal. Conflict is biblical. Conflict is actually the key to growth. The biggest lessons I've learned in my childhood about conflict was from the Barnes boys.

Okay? Now, some of you can remember maybe what it was like growing up in the 60s and early 70s and especially when you lived in these sort of suburban houses that were one next to one another and everyone had little chain link fences. Well, the Barnes boys, they were twin boys and an older boy and a younger boy and they had this real athletic dad and in the Barnes boys garage was a punching bag. In the Barnes boys backyard was a baseball diamond cut out and when I got home from school I did my homework and then the first question, mom, dad, can I go to the Barnes boys?

Boom. As soon as dinner was over, can I go to the Barnes boys? I loved being with the Barnes boys and if you kind of, you know how you drive through the little cul-de-sacs, when you would see their backyard, about 95% of the time, there were somewhere between eight to 15 boys, 9, 10, 11, 12, all playing whatever. If it was football, it was football. If it was baseball season, it was baseball.

We always played at the Barnes boys. Well, you can imagine if you have eight to 15 guys, there's conflict. There's arguments. It's our ball. It's your ball. You were out of bounds. No, it was a home run. No, it wasn't a home run.

It was a foul ball. And when you would hear the arguing and it got real intense, Mr. Barnes was a very big man and not only did they do that outside, but in his basement, he had a weight room and he lifted weights. I never did, as you can tell, but he lifted weights, okay? And he would come out like this.

He had a really big chest and in fact, I wrote down, I can still remember his questions. He would bring the two people arguing. He would say, there's no arguing out here. We don't do that.

Not like this. Number two, what was the problem? And he'd look at you and you'd have to say, what's the problem?

What's the problem? And sometimes that would solve it, but not usually. He did this. I did that. He did this.

I did that. Argue. Then he would say, can you two agree on this right now and play on?

No, it's our ball. He said, okay, let's settle it right now. Big Mr. Barnes would go into the garage and he would come out with boxing gloves.

Gospel truth. And they were, I don't know if you've ever seen the training gloves that are even way bigger. Now imagine being like 78 or 90 pounds and you put on these gloves that feel like they're five or 10 pounds. And this is what we would do.

The two boys who were arguing, we get in the middle, everyone else made a circle. I mean, I, you could get away with this back in the 1970s. Now you probably get sued or something. So you have these heavy gloves. Okay. And he'd say, okay, ready? Everyone would circle up.

He says, okay, settle it. And of course you're real tough and talking, you know, and I'm, you know, move like a butterfly and like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, you know, you know, you know, and after about three minutes, no one could lift their arms. I mean, we're so tired. And the worst that ever happened is I think on a great day, I got Buddy Brockman right in the nose and got a bloody nose. And on a not so good day, I got a bloody nose. But they were so big and so heavy and so soft, all your aggression got out. It got settled.

It was done. And no one really got hurt. In fact, what Mr. Barnes taught us was how to resolve conflict in a way that although mildly painful didn't do any lasting damage.

On the front of your notes, here's what I've learned from the Barnes boys. One, conflict is normal. Two, conflict is an opportunity for growth. Believe it or not, the guy that gave me the bloody nose became my best friend.

Isn't that interesting? Three, conflict must be diffused or it'll destroy. I mean, if 15 young guys keep going at it, pretty soon you take sides, then it escalates and something bad is going to happen. So he diffused it. He diffused it in a way where, as you see in the next point, he used some rules so no one really got hurt. We got to take a few swings. We slugged one another.

But no one really got hurt. Now as you turn the page, I want to talk to you about God's perspective on conflict. The first section of this teaching time is going to be very biblical. I want to talk about the reality that it's normal. There's people who love God with all their heart that have great conflict. I want to give you three or four areas that for sure cause conflict in relationships. God expects it to cause conflict. And then we're going to talk about the deepest source of conflict in relationships. And then I want to spend the final portion of our time walking through a little acronym that will give you literally a specific game plan to go to point A to point B to point C to say, okay, we've got conflict. What do we do?

How do we diffuse it? Okay? So look on your notes.

Let's jump in here together. Conflict is inevitable in a fallen world. And this is from the lips of Jesus, John 16, 33. I've told you these things so that you may have peace in me. In this world you'll have trouble, but take heart, I've overcome the world. Now does this sound like Jesus is setting up his followers and disciples for a, if you really live life, life right, if you really love me, if you read your Bible, if you pray, you know, if you give off the top, if you go on a short term missions trip, if you try to be a good woman, be a good man, be a great dad, be a great mom, if all, if you do all that, then everything's going to be smooth.

Does that sound like what he said? In the world, you know, we're good at claiming promises, aren't we? Jesus said this, I can, I can, I can claim this for my life.

Well, here's a promise. In the world, you will have conflict, but be of good cheer. I'm going to give you peace, but it's going to be a peace that's on the inside in a fallen world. You're going to have conflict with your mate, conflict with your kids, conflict with fellow workers, conflict with neighbors, conflict with grown kids.

You are living in a world that's sinful and fallen. And from the day you're born to the day you die, there's going to be conflict. Now, if you accept that, it changes your perspective because a lot of us, you know, we spend all of our energy trying to cover up conflict, trying to push down conflict, trying to say it's not really conflict or feeling guilty about conflict.

What you got to do is accept it's normal and realize there's tools and ways to grow through it. The second thing the scripture would say is the sources of conflict, conflict grows from our differences and our selfishness. In other words, not all conflict is even from sin. Now, I wish, because my passion is to teach the Bible, all right? I mean, I wish that I could say, okay, now open your Bibles, don't go there because we're going to do something else. I would say open your Bibles to Acts 15, and I could read through that and explain the first 15 or 35 verses and say, you know what, here's the Jerusalem council and here's what happened and the early church was growing and this group thought this and this other group thought this and Paul went on a missionary journey and because of that he came back and Judaism and Christianity were in this collision course and I could explain it all, I can't. But what I want to do is I want to give you this summary of about three or four passages that will help you see among the most godly committed people to God, some sources of conflict.

And I've put them in your notes. Source number one is our differences. Differences in belief produce conflict. Sometimes the question is what's true, what's right? Sometimes we disagree. Good people who love God disagree.

Is this right or is this right? And some good people say this is right and some other good people say no, this is right. That produces conflict. And we had that in the Jerusalem council. The apostle Paul was preaching that you could come directly to the Father by the work of Christ and you didn't have to go through Judaism. And the whole early church was all Jews who came to Christ apart from those at Pentecost.

In fact the first 20, 25 years, probably 95 more percent of the church, it was all converted Jews. And so they're saying well wait a second, you're messing with our traditions. It's Jesus plus circumcision and plus doing this and plus keeping part of the law and the apostle Paul said no, no, no, no, no. And so they have this big council. And in that council they resolve the conflict.

And James pulls out an Old Testament passage and Paul shares an experience that affirms and Peter looks at it all. And then they come to a conclusion and they take those differences and they align them with the truth. But haven't some of you met Christians that really hold a theological position that's kind of over here and they're real dogmatic about it? And you know what, when you look at them, they love God. They have good marriages.

They're seeking to raise good kids. They serve in their church and are reaching out and yet you meet someone else, oh no, this is what we believe. And often it's on minor issues. I'm not saying that truth isn't important, it's very important. But you need to understand that in the world that we live in, even in the church, good godly people are going to disagree. And so what you do is you do exactly what they did at the Jerusalem Council. You go to the source of truth, you sit down together, you dialogue, you ask God to show you, and sometimes you even agree to disagree.

The second source of conflict is differences in perspective. In the same chapter, Acts 15, you have two of the closest friends. It says a great schism, a great conflict. A friendship is broken in Acts 15, beginning in verse 36 to 41. It's Paul and Barnabas. They're both good men, they're both godly men, but they go on a mission trip together. And you know, Paul is very task-oriented. You know what, we gotta get the job done.

Barnabas, his name, it means son of encouragement. He cares about people, he wants to develop people. You know, he gives people the second chance, the third chance, the 54th chance. Paul gives you the first chance, the second chance. Buddy, do something else. I gotta have people can make it happen.

Alright? You know, Paul's high D. Barnabas is high I on the scales, right? And so they go on a missionary trip and John Mark comes, and we don't know all the story, but at some point in time, it gets hard, it gets difficult, and he flakes out. And they're getting ready to go on the next missionary trip, and you know, Barnabas, I'm reading into the text, read Acts 15, you'll think, boy, Chip got a lot out of this. Well, I'm kinda, you know, I'm kinda making it up a little bit, give you a feel.

But basically, you know, here we're gonna go again. And Barnabas goes, you know what, John Mark, he has grown so much, I've been spending time with him, he's in my Bible study with some other guys, and you know what, he had a few struggles, but I really think he's gonna do a great job this time. And Paul says something like, I don't think he is.

What do you mean? Cause he's not going. What do you mean he's not going? I say he's not going.

Hey, you know what, I can't tolerate flakes. God gave us a mission, he had a chance, he blew it, we're gonna get out, and God's mission is gonna be right on the bubble, and I can't look over my shoulder and wonder whether this guy's gonna show up or not. Oh, Paul, you don't understand, come on, get a life, man, I mean, God was gracious to you. Don't you care about people? Yeah, I care about people, and I'm gonna care about by the most people by doing what God called me to do, and not do it with a bunch of flaky people like John Mark.

Boom, boom, boom, you get it? And it says a great schism arose, and Paul went this way, and Barnabas went this way. That can happen to people that both really love God.

Are you getting to see how our differences bring about conflict? We're gonna talk about solving it in a second, but our theological differences, is there a wrong or a right? It's philosophical, isn't it? One philosophically is charged with a task, the other thinks more about relationships. In the big picture, what do we need? The task and the relationships.

There's not a wrong or a right. In fact, what we find later is Barnabas gets John Mark and develops him, so near the end of Paul's ministry, Paul says, send Mark, because he has my parchments, and he's been very profitable. It's a good thing Barnabas didn't give up on him, but it's probably a good thing Paul didn't give in, and he was the guy that led the mission and the missionary journeys. And so, differences in beliefs, differences in perspective, sometimes it's differences in style. You know, in Philippians chapter 4, I love, I love that God puts these things in the Bible. You know, there's two ladies, Euodia and Syntyche, and Paul says, these are sisters in the gospel, and basically he kind of pleads with Philippian church, can you help these ladies get it together?

I love them both, they've both helped me, but there's a rub. And you know, we don't get all the understanding, but you know, maybe one was an introvert and one was an extrovert, and one was saying, you know, we need all the napkins all laid out for, no, we don't need napkins, forget it, they can eat with their hands. No, we've got to do the, you know, and whatever it was, these two ladies went at it.

They just didn't get along. And you don't get the idea that it was sin or Paul would have addressed the sin issue. And can I say something kind of out loud? I hope you won't. Have you ever been in a small group with a group of people and just realized, you know, they're godly, you open the Bible, maybe you watch a video, and people kind of talk afterwards, and you just don't like being there? And then you felt guilty? You know, like maybe it's a bunch of people, all they do is talk about sports and you don't really like sports, or maybe you're like me and you get with a group of people and, you know, all they talk about is software, hardware, booting up, and you know, and I don't know what they're talking about. Or maybe they're from a part of the country and, you know, their interests are over here and they just sort of relate in a way that they all grew up with and you always feel like on your outside looking in. And you go to that small group and you feel bad and you feel guilty because you think, I don't connect, I don't like it, I don't have chemistry, I don't get along.

You know what I think you ought to do? Find another small group. God made us different people with different personalities and different backgrounds. You can love everyone and be committed to them. That doesn't mean you have chemistry with everybody. And, you know, here's a couple ladies that need to learn to get along, but probably they shouldn't be in a small group together.

There's probably some people that would say, you know what, I just like the way Euodia does it, and others, you know, Syntychina, she's my kind of gal. Do you see what I'm trying to get at? There are theological differences, there are philosophical differences, and there are personality differences that are going to bring conflict in your world. And in a fallen world, Jesus promised on top of that, just sin in itself is going to bring about conflict. And so all I want you to hear is this, the conflict in your marriage and the conflict in your family is normal. Quit trying to act like it's going to go away and think that when it's smooth, life is right. And secondly, quit thinking that somehow you've done something wrong or there's a bad person in the room when there's some conflict.

It might be, in fact, a great opportunity for growth. The fourth reason we learn from scripture where there's conflict is probably the one that we can deal with, and this is called selfish desires produce conflict. This is the old my way versus her way, right? James touches on it in James 4, 1 to 3. He raises the question, what causes fights and quarrels among you? Rhetorical question.

Then he answers it. Well, don't they come from your desires that battle within you? Circle the word desires in your notes. It's the idea of lust, and it's used in this context as a powerful passion to get your way.

Doesn't it come from that deep down inside that it needs to be my way? This is how we should spend the money. This is what we should do with the kids.

This is what we should do on vacation. And then he goes on to say, you want something, but you don't get it. So you have a blocked goal. Frustrated. That ever happen to you in your marriage?

Has does, hasn't it? And then he goes, you kill and you covet, but you cannot have what you want. In other words, you don't get what you want, and so you go to extremes. You murder with your words. You covet. You lust for.

You're envious. You have internal struggles. You quarrel and you fight. You don't have it because you don't ask God. So he says, some of the things that God wants to solve, you don't have it because you don't ask. And then he expands it and he says, when you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives that you may spend it on what you get for your pleasure. Circle the word pleasure. It's the exact same word as lust above.

They just translated two different words. It's this selfish, I want my way attitude. And I would suggest that in your marriages you're going to have philosophical, occasional theological differences.

You're going to have personality differences, but the one thing that you're going to have as long as you're on this planet, in this body, is you're going to have selfish desires, and you're going to want your way, and your mate's going to want her way, and you better figure out how to deal with that conflict. And part of it is just plain old, can I say this really out loud right here in the 21st century? It's called sin. It's just sin. I mean, it's just like I've missed the mark. As much as I can appear righteous, loving, kind, sophisticated, there's times where when Teresa and I have something, I want my way.

Now I've learned to couch that, even put a verse around it, act sophisticated, make her feel guilty to think that her way's wrong, but conflict is an opportunity to grow. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll be back to continue our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, in just a minute. But let me quickly tell you that we are more than a broadcast ministry. We're supporting pastors globally, developing helpful resources, and sharing the Gospel with this next generation. So if you'd like to join us in these efforts, become a monthly partner by going to LivingOnTheEdge.org.

Thanks for your support. Well, here again is Chip. In your Bibles now, Philippians chapter two, this is the same letter written to the two ladies that are having some struggles.

Conflict provides specific opportunities to grow, and every time you overcome some conflict, some good things happen. Paul begins in chapter two, verses one and two, with a, it sounds like a rhetorical question, but grammatically, you could translate instead of if. Grammatically, he's really saying, since this is true, since this is true, since this is true. He's not saying, well, if this would ever be true someday some way.

It's a, what's called a class condition in Greek that has the idea of certainty. He says, if therefore, or since there's any encouragement in Christ, if there's any consolation of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, and the answer to all those are yes, yes, yes, yes. You're in Christ. Is there encouragement in Christ? Yes.

Is there consolation in love? Yes. Is there fellowship in the Spirit? You're both believers, right? Yes.

Is there genuine love and affection? Then notice what he says, verse two. Then make my joy complete. How? By being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in Spirit, intent on one purpose. I would challenge you to look at that verse and ask yourself just a quick Bible study question. How many of those lines in verse two have to do with unity?

Same, one, unity. You get the idea? He's saying, if you have this resource of what God has done for you, if he's been loving, if the Spirit lives in both of you, you have koinonia fellowship before God, then make my joy complete. He's saying, work out relationships in such a way we have the same mind, the same purpose, one heart. What he's saying is, resolve the conflict out of the resources in Christ. And then in verses three and four, he's going to tell you how.

And it's a command. This is not like an option for a better marriage. This is a command for how to do relationships in general, but especially how to apply it in your own home. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.

That is the key to great relationships. At the heart of the James passage about those lustful pleasures, you know what's behind that? Ego.

It's just pride. I mean, our biggest conflicts in our marriage have been a Chip Ingram problem, ego, I want my way on my terms. Teresa, I want you to fulfill my needs. Teresa, I want you to take care of that.

Teresa, make my life work out. And the solution is to do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit. But notice that phrase, with humility of mind. Humility of mind is saying the other person's needs, by the way, I feel like it.

The other person's needs I choose to put ahead of my own. In fact, the most loving time is when you don't feel like it. Jesus didn't feel like going across, did he?

But you glad he went? I am. Love doesn't have a whole lot to do with whether you feel like it. With humility of mind, consider. And that word consider means reckon, think, ponder, evaluate. The other person is more important than yourself.

Look at verse four. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests. By the way, that phrase is the key to most marital conflict.

In my marriage, I can fake it and I can position it, but most of us want our own personal interests. And to break that, don't look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. And then in verse five, he begins to give us the how to. Have this attitude in yourselves. Attitude, attitude, attitude. Have this attitude in yourselves that was in Christ Jesus, who although he existed in the form of God, did not require equality with God, a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a bondservant, being made in the likeness of Christ, the likeness of God. And then what's he do?

He serves. See, genuine humility isn't a feeling about I think this way about the other person. Genuine humility is an attitude of I'm here to serve you. I want to help your life become what God wants it to be. I want to serve you. I want to help you. I want to come up first of all in the day and think what are the issues that you're struggling with?

How do I meet your needs? Instead of saying, well, how do I meet my needs and where are you missing it? Because most of us when it comes to conflict, we go internal very quickly. And I just come up with all the reasons why Teresa ought to be doing things different and if she would, everything would be okay, right? Notice the conflict is an opportunity for growth in Christ. Not out of your own flesh, but in Christ, differences complement instead of compete.

You realize, hey, she does look at it different or he does look at it different because it's not my way or her way, it's our way. We're one flesh. Notice in Christ, selfishness is transformed to servanthood. To become a servant of your mate is a powerful, powerful. Remember the very first thing when we made the equilateral triangle and I said your barrier with God and walking with God is the most important thing you can ever do in your marriage?

You know why? Because you can't be a servant to your mate without the supernatural power of God's Spirit living in me through the power of his word and his Spirit and being in community with people to be a giver instead of a taker. I can't do that.

It's impossible. And so it really becomes a spiritual issue. And then finally in Christ we can fight fair and safely. Those principles, you know, be honest, speak the truth in love, be diligent, you know, be positive.

We can learn to fight fair and lovingly. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message Conflict Resolution, How to Fight Fair in Marriage from our series Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Many philosophers and writers have likened marriage to a journey or an adventure.

So if that's true, how do we know where to go next or what to do? Well, through this series Chip will share God's roadmap to a flourishing relationship between a husband and wife, learn how to better communicate, build deeper intimacy, and navigate conflict when it comes. Whether you've been together for 40 years, engaged, or terrified of the possibility of getting married, you're going to learn a lot from Chip's teaching. Well, Chip's joined me in studio now, and Chip, I don't know if many people know this, but you still travel all around to speak and preach. And as you get the chance to interact with various people across the country, talk about the common struggles you're noticing and then share what this ministry is doing to encourage believers everywhere.

I'd be glad to, Dave. As I travel around the United States and speak at churches, college campuses, pastors' conferences, military personnel, there is one theme that just keeps coming out. It doesn't matter where I speak or who I'm with. It's the family, it's communication, and it's relationships.

Now, here's the thing. There's a lot that goes into building a strong family, great communication, and doing that for different groups is certainly a challenge. But that's why we're committed to continuing to teach the Bible regularly, practically, and relevantly. We're committed to develop group resources and online courses that help people personally apply the truth to their life. And we're committed to having fun with families and creating tools that allow families to get together and enjoy one another and share their hearts.

Each one of those has their place. And here's what I would ask you. Would you be willing to help us create these and then get them in the hands of families all across America?

It takes resources. And I'm so grateful for those of you that pray and partner with us financially, and I want to thank you first. And second, if you don't partner with us financially now, would you consider partnering financially and helping us do what families desperately need? Thanks so much for praying about it and then doing whatever God shows you to do. Great encouragement, Chip. So if you'd like to be part of growing this ministry, prayerfully consider becoming a monthly partner. Your gift will go places and accomplish ministry work like you wouldn't believe. So set up a recurring donation today at livingontheedge.org or through the Chip Ingram app.

And thanks for your support. Well, here again is Chip to share some insightful application for us to think about. In today's message, I made a number of very strong points about the issue of conflict.

In fact, as I look over the notes, as I am right now, I could make the argument that Ingram, you went nuts. Do we need to hear that much about how normal conflict is and how good conflict is before you give us the answer? And on the one hand I would say, no, not really, but I want you to listen carefully. Conflict is normal. Conflict is an opportunity for growth. Conflict must be diffused or it will destroy. Healthy conflict demands rules so no one gets hurt.

And guess what? Conflict is inevitable in a fallen world. And, you know, there is this invisible, unwritten expectation that I just want to scream that you think and I think, because I do, that if we really love each other and if we both really love God, everything's going to be great.

Wrong. It's going to be hard in a fallen world. But there's many couples that real intimacy, you know, the Scripture says, as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. You know, I want you to visualize, if you will, your fingers being spread apart and then just connecting the fingertips, interlocking them.

Okay, that's what I'm doing right now in the studio. Intimacy is pushing those fingers toward one another. You're actually invading your mate's territory. When you invade your mate's territory, there's going to be sparks. There's going to be conflict. And you know what I see? I see couples who say, we've never had an argument.

In 41 years, we've never had an argument. And you know what I'm going to say? And you know what?

You're pretty superficial. And you don't have very much deep anything. It takes sparks. It takes conflict that produce growth. In our next broadcast, I will give you the rules, very specific rules about how to fight fair. Go to the website, get the notes. We've left space where you can walk through this process with a pen and write down how to defuse conflict. You don't have to keep fighting over the same old stuff and having the same old defense mechanisms and playing the same old games.

Conflict can become your friend instead of your enemy. Go to the web, get some help. You'll find the message notes Chip just mentioned in a couple of places. Go to livingontheedge.org and click the broadcasts tab. App listeners, find them by tapping fill in notes. You'll get his outline, all of his scripture references and lots of fill ins to help you remember what you're learning. They really help you get the most out of every program. So I hope you'll take advantage of this resource the next time you listen. Listen to next time as Chip picks up in a series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Until then, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge.