Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Four Keys to Intimacy, Part 2

Would you like a deeper connection with your mate? As we've learned in our last broadcast, there are four keys to unlocking greater intimacy in your marriage.

I gave you the first key, and I want to follow up with the next three today. Enjoying true intimacy is possible. Whether you've been married five years or 50, your marriage can go to the next level. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. Well, today Chip picks up on our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, with part two of his talk, Four Keys to Intimacy.

Last time he compared relationships to caring for a car and outlined how a lifelong commitment acts as fuel for any marriage. Now in this program, he'll continue using that analogy to demonstrate three other components of God's game plan for building intimacy. But before we dive in, if you miss any part of Chip's teaching today, catch up through the Chip Ingram app. It's a great way to listen to Chip and Living on the Edge anytime. Well, here now is Chip with the remainder of his message. The oil of communication is a lifelong skill of learning to understand each other.

But notice it's a lifelong skill. You just don't get it and then you have it for good, of learning to understand each other. The mandate is Ephesians four. Ephesians four 15 and 16. But speaking the truth to one another, we're to grow up in what?

All aspects into him who is the head, even Christ. And it goes on to say by that which every joint supplies according to the proper working of each individual part causes the growth of the body to the building up of itself in love. And so you know when parts start moving, you make progress, they overheat, you need some oil in the relationship and communication does that and the rationale is to know. You want to communicate.

Loving says I'm committed to you. Communication says I want to know you. I want to know all about you. I want to be a student of you.

I want to learn your likes and dislikes. I want to be close to you so I need to know who you are. And when you know them, then that little phrase you learn is I trust you. That's what you communicate when you communicate. You know, when you say I really want to get to know you, if that choice says I love you, this says I trust you. I trust you.

Why do you say that? Because I'm going to progressively take the zipper of my heart of who I really want to go in and I'm going to keep lowering it. And I'm going to take my heart with vulnerable stuff that if you wanted to, man, you could hurt me very badly. You do understand the people that can love you the most can wound you the most deeply. And so it takes trust and so what you do is little by little you kind of put your heart out on that platter. These are my fears.

These are my dreams. These are my struggles. And how you handle those will tell me how I'm going to respond to you next time. And of course, the how there is we went over at a weekly conference.

Now I'd suggest, you know, I did them two a week. And we just said, you know, like Thursday night and Friday night and the way we did it, don't make this like such a big deal, but often, I mean, I had four kids and I pastored a church that ended up growing to a very large size so there were lots of pools, but we ate dinner at a certain time. We structured it in. And after dinner, our kids knew, you know, we're going to make a pot of coffee. And you know what, kids, you got homework, go do whatever you want. Sometimes it was 15 minutes.

Sometimes it was 45. But we sat at the table and hey, how'd your day go? Kind of what's going on with you?

And we stopped and communicated and two of those nights, you know, and it just got perfunctory. Teresa, what are you concerned about? And then she would tell me, so what are you concerned about? What do you dream? What do I dream?

What are you willing to do? And we did that to the point where I will tell you we don't use those questions anymore. We just share unconsciously when we get together what we're concerned about. And now that our kids are grown, we find ourselves eating dinner and there's no kids to shoo away. Hey, you want to run out and get a cup of coffee?

Yeah, let's go. And you drive in the car. And you would laugh at what we think is romantic at times. There's a little fast food place with no scenery and we find ourselves with a broken Chick-fil-A sandwich between us and sitting in a car talking about life and God and one another, looking into the beautiful oversight to the back of a Home Depot. I mean, it just really, you know. But you know what it is?

It's just taking a little window to say, I want to be with you and I trust you. And our model is Jeremiah 33. This is how God feels about you. Call to me and I will tell you great and mighty things that you don't know. I want to commune. I want to relate. Please speak to me. And if you'll speak to me, if you'll open up the lines of communication, I want to show you things beyond what you'd ever dream. And so he models for us the kind of relationship. And for those of you that have gone through a tough time and those of you that feel like you've been wounded and you really can't get this deeply in communication, I have a wild illustration I want to share.

You can follow along if you want. It's in Isaiah 43. God's people have turned against him. God's people, they're worshiping idols.

They won't give him the time of day. And in Isaiah chapter 43, you know, he talks about in verse 21, the people who I formed for myself will declare my praise yet. He said, I thought that's what was supposed to be. And then verse 22, yet you've not called on me, O Jacob. You've become weary of me, Israel. You haven't brought me the sheep of your burnt offering, no worship, no sacrifice. You haven't honored me with your sacrifices. I have not burdened you with offerings.

I wasn't, I wasn't after your money. Neither have you filled me with the fat of your sacrifices. Rather you've burdened me with your sins and you have weared me with your iniquities. Some of you feel like that.

I'm just weary of all the junk I've put up this long in this relationship. We all get there sometimes, right? How does God respond when that's where the relational dynamic is? Look at verse 25. I read this.

The first time I read it, I thought, are you kidding me? God says, I, even I am the one who wipes out your transgressions for my own sake. And I will not remember your sins.

Do you hear what he says? This relationship is so important. Even though you're not coming to me, even though 100% of the problem is on your side, I'm going to step in and communicate and I'm going to wipe out your sins.

Not for you. I'm going to do it for me. I love you so much. Our relationship matters so much. I'm going to take the initiative even though this is your issue.

And then, and then listen to verse 26, put me in remembrance. Let us argue our case together. In other words, Hey, let's have a good fight.

I mean, let's just get the words coming. State your cause that you might be proved right. This is the God of the universe. Final, he says, he says, state your cause that you may be proved right. Your first father sinned and your spokesman have transgressed against me.

And then, so he talks about some judgment that will occur and it's all because they wouldn't come and say, God, we just want to talk. So let me encourage you. If you feel like it's, you know, we're a little too far beyond all this. Our model is a God who says the relationship matters so much.

Do whatever it takes to restore it. We've got the fuel of commitment, the oil of communication. Third, the tune up of caring and adventure of lifelong friendship, fun, and mutual fulfillment.

Circle the word adventure with you. Everyone thinks, you know, it's not the way it was when we were dating. It's not the way it was because you're not doing what you used to do. Romance is not like reserved for teenagers, newlyweds, and people who've been married for like six months. Romance is reserved for people who do all the things that newlyweds do and people that are dating, right?

I mean, when you're dating, you call impromptu. How are you doing up late night? How's everything going?

Flowers, unannounced, a little note that says, I love you. A text sent to, right? Now, the euphoria begins to wear off and we get into the grind. You know what? Your relationship has got to be an adventure, but life is life and you have voicemails and emails and many of you have kids and then you have bills. Some of you have some dogs. Then you got work. Then you got people that get cancer.

Then you got ministry at the church and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and pretty soon you wake up and you look at one another and you say, I really love you and I ain't feeling anything. Are you? No.

You know what? Get a tuneup. Block off some time and if you don't have money and you're young, then swap out with another couple that's young and doesn't have money either. We'll watch your kids this time. You watch our kids next time and you know, when you count them out of coffee that people buy and the movies that they rent, you've got the money if you have the priority to get away for at least two nights and three days and get retooled and have some fun. I mean, enjoy one another and you don't have to wait for the big getaway, but you can have talks and you can take walks and you can go on dates and you can have actual hobbies and you can do weekends away and you can get back into the notes and the flowers and you know, like buy a new nightgown now and then and have some fun together and say, I want to keep the pizzazz in the relationship. I want it to be an adventure, but what we do is under the pressure, same old, same old, same old, same old. Well, life gets tired.

I mean, if you eat steak for 45 days in a row, about 46 days, not even steaks taste good, right? You got to have variety and you got to have adventure and there's got to be some things that you're looking forward to. A lot of it too is maybe you don't even know what you're doing, but you know, hey, we're seven weeks away from our getaway or this year, this time next year, this is what we're going to do and you dream and you think and you know, some of it you let him plan and you think, you know, this is not exactly what I think is a great time, but you know what? If he really likes it, I'm going to go along and have fun and on the other hand, you do it and you realize, yeah, we'll have some fun and brothers, I'll tell you what, I have done that, you know? Yeah, honey, I'll sit right on this bench.

These shops are really nice. I'll just sit right on here on this bench and you let me know when you come and I used to do that and then I got to where, yeah, I walk around with you. Yeah, that's cute. Darling, I'm not going to say that, but you know, and you realize you just start getting engaged in some things that the other person likes. I do stuff now that 25 years ago I thought, man, this is nuts.

I would never do this. And my wife is doing stuff now that she's thinking, this is so sportsy, she did not grow up that way at all. And now my wife, I'll tell you what, anybody has two tickets to an NBA game, watch a ship, let's go, baby, let's go. And I'm thinking, you know, she just went and we got close enough where she saw what it was like, she loved it.

And now I can go up to La Donaga or whatever it is and walk these shops, oh, that shop's really nice. You know, I can take about three, then I go get a cup of coffee and sit on a bench, you know? But you know what it says to her? It just says you matter. And put next to that, I like you.

I'm deathly afraid. There's a lot of couples that are really committed and love one another. I'm just not sure you like each other anymore. This is about being those best friends.

How to do it? I put here a weekly date. Every Friday morning we went out for breakfast.

That was my day off because, you know, I had a Saturday night service and two or three on Sunday. But every Friday my wife knew and I knew that's our little oasis. And we'd get the kids off, take a drive, eat breakfast, walk around, goof off, and didn't do anything but just be with one another until it was time for the kids to go out. Or, you know, maybe it was we had our breakfast date and she wanted to do that and I wanted to do that. But we just knew there was a window of time built that you've got to structure it in. When's the last time you went on a meaningful date?

When's the last time you took a great walk? And someone else, you've got to initiate this stuff. And by the way, a good way to do it is just alternative. If you get together and sit down tonight and talk and say, well, we really should do some of this.

Okay. Just divide it up. I'll be responsible for planning this week's date. You do next week's. And by the way, just get out of calendar. And you know what will happen? It will be a hassle and some of you are rolling your eyes going, yeah, right. Tell you what, you put four or five weeks in a row together and you start having some fun.

You know, some of these other areas that some of you are frustrated about. Fun covers a multitude of sins. That's a Chippism. That's not Bible. The Bible is love covers a multitude of sins. That's true. But fun does. We spend so much energy working through all of our problems and issues.

And you just got to put some emotional gas into the tank of your relationship. And of course our model is who? Jesus again. When when his guys got tired and weary of the everyday, come unto me, all of you who labor and are heavy laden, I'll give you a rest. This is Jesus.

You know, some of us are Christian workaholics. He said, Hey, take a break. In fact, he says, and quit taking on so much responsibility. Take my yoke upon me and learn from me. I'm meek and lowly in heart. I'm not hard to please.

In other words, life has lots of pressures. Tell you what, just like two oxen get together. I got supernatural power. I've got I know all things. How about we hook up together and you just do the part you're supposed to do and I'll do all the part I'm supposed to do. And why don't you just take a deep breath and quit being more responsible for all this stuff in life that you can't control anyway.

But come apart and rest. He invites us to do that. Shouldn't we invite ourselves to do that with one another?

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And before we continue today's program, let me tell you, you don't have to be a perfect couple to experience the dream God has for your marriage. Let me encourage you to keep listening after this teaching as Chip talks about a small group resource we have that'll help you realize all God wants for your relationship.

You won't want to miss it. Okay, here now is Chip with the rest of his talk. Well, we've got C. First C is commitment, a lifelong choice. Another C, communication, a lifelong skill, that oil. We've got the C of caring, which is kind of that tune up on the car.

And then the last C is the navigational system of a commission. This is a vision to impact the lives of others for Christ. It's a vision. Circle the word vision. It's a vision.

Everything needs a picture of a preferable future, something that you're aiming to toward one another. The mandate here is Matthew 28. That wasn't given just to the disciples then. Jesus said, go therefore and make Christ followers. He wants you and you and you and you and me to team up, not just individually, but as marriage partners and make disciples.

To see lost people come to Christ, to see them grow to maturity and see them reproduce their lives. He wants to use us in our neighborhoods and where we work. He wants to use us in our local churches, make disciples. He wants you to have a ministry. He wants you to do some things together that aren't about you or your family or your kids or your fulfillment, but about other people with needs.

And I tell you, I do not know exactly how this works, but God, when we begin to think outside of ourselves, an amazing thing happens in the dynamic of the relationship. We get close. The rationale is to serve. It's to serve. We love, we know, we share, and we serve. And when we serve, it says, I need you.

I need you. I was on a jury. I've been on a couple of juries and how I end up the foreman, I don't know, I guess I'm too mouthy, but it was a big drug case and the guy was in the country for the second or third time illegally and he had two bags of cocaine here and a big wad of cash and it was a stakeout and it was a part of California where they did a lot of drug dealing so they had an undercover guy, the narc was right here, they had two cars here.

They do it and boom, they zoom in and they get him. Well, I'm in a part of California that was very, very interesting. And so I'm on this jury and I mean, this is like, duh. I mean, you got, you know, if we can't convict this guy, we might as well tell the police for all the world, we can't convict anyone. So we got a couple, this one lady goes, I just don't know, there's still a little doubt in my mind. And the judge said, reasonable doubt.

I said, lady, how much, I mean, was the cocaine on him? Yes. Did he have a wad of cash? Yes.

Yeah, but maybe, like he said, someone gave it to him just before the guy walked up. I'm going, hmm. So anyway, we are now like three or four days, right, in this jury arguing and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, and working these things through and I'm supposed to keep it organized and I mean, it was just nutso. And you know, eat your meals together and you know, you begin to laugh and joke and here's what I want to tell you, the power, here's the power of doing something with even people you don't know that's bigger than yourself and the other issue is, man, this guy's life on the line.

You gotta be right. And you gotta, and we questioned the officers and we had the transcripts come back in and we checked everything out, but I mean, the power of doing something beyond yourself, what it does for your relationship. I'm like in a Walmart or a Kmart or one of those big box stores, it's like three months later, I'm coming around the corner of one of these stores, chip! And I look at this lady that I don't recognize and she comes at me like this and I go, uh-oh, I wonder what's happening, you know, I wonder if my wife's around. And she just, I mean, she's a rather large lady and gave me a rather large hug and she just hugged me, it is so good to see you. And I said, oh, oh, good to, yeah, remember the jury, remember that we served on it. Wasn't that amazing? Wasn't that wonderful? You know what, my son, I want you to meet, stay right here, will you? And she goes and gets her boy and we just had this great time and I had this warm, overwhelming feeling and I thought to myself, I spent four days with that lady, I didn't know her from Adam and three months later she has that kind of affection for me.

Why? Because we teamed up to do something that was more important than her life and my life that was really important that was bigger than ourselves. And the average married couple that does not have a ministry where you're investing your lives together in the lives of other people, you are missing out on one of the most powerful dynamics of how God brings you together. My wife and I were involved in a ministry and she found, like she does, someone who was really hurting and they had done really well for many years and fell back into a meth habit and so now we got these two meth addicts and the guy comes over to my house, he was going to do a little help and that was part of his profession, and Theresa, this is wild, Theresa comes, you know what, do you have any idea, do you know what these are? And she had this little plastic bag with crystals in it, you know. And I said, yeah, honey, I actually do know what those are, I think our friends aren't doing as well as they're telling us. And you know, confronted him and it was just, I just can't tell you, sitting across the kitchen table with two people addicted to meth who long to get out of it in tears and are like this in their marriage and then going to celebrate recovery in the area, letting them know it's going to be okay, sitting down with them, introducing them to the pastor, introducing them to other people that are addicts and then watching over the next three or four or five months, God deliver them and then God forgive them and then God restore them. And you know, more than a few conversations around our table were about how do we help this couple? And honey, yeah, you did this part and I need to do this part.

And Chip, I think if you don't call him, I don't think you'll listen. Okay, can I tell you that as we together helped this couple, God did something that bound our hearts together. How? Let me suggest you have at least a weekly or bi-weekly, monthly, some kind of ministry that you're involved in on a regular basis. You're not a car, you're a marriage, but it needs fueled by commitment. It needs oiled by communication.

You need the tune up of deep caring and fun together. And you need the navigational system of why did God put us on this earth with these gifts that he's brought together to make a difference. And then the final important reminder is I'll give you this. It's a little equation that I have because when I give this message, what I learned is the real hard charging people try and do all of this all at once and they go real crazy and they try and align all their life and they work, work, work, work, work and then they get completely burned out in four or five weeks.

Here's my little equation for moving forward. Personal time plus supportive friends plus renewing activities equals a fully alive you and a full battery to be a giver. And this may sound absolutely crazy, but some of you realize you really need to focus on your marriage right now. If you're a man, you need some strong men friends to go through this with you. If you're a woman, you need some strong women friends to go through this with you.

Because see, you're going to have to make deposits in your mate and they're not going to give back. You need some guys that you're close to and you love. And ladies, you need a woman or two that you can really share your heart with. And this may sound counterintuitive, but whether it's working out or whether it's a hobby or, you know, crocheting or knitting or rollerblading, I don't know what ladies do or whatever, but you better as a woman have renewing activities built in that fill your own personal tank and as a guy, you better have those because you need supportive friends and renewing activities so that you come into the things you're going to address to be a giver.

Because what I've watched is people will hear something like this and they'll just get so focused on each other that all they think about and all they work on is their marriage. And pretty soon the guy wakes up and goes, I don't have a single guy friend. I haven't worked out in three months. And she's thinking, man, I haven't been shopping in forever.

And, you know, I haven't even called my sister and, you know, I haven't been out with the girls. And you got a balanced life where you get what you need so that you can give what you need to give. And you need to talk about how much is appropriate because what you think you need versus what your mate may think you need might be one of those areas of conversation. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard, Four Keys to Intimacy, is from our series Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Movies, romance novels, and social media constantly tell us that the purpose of marriage is to find love or a soulmate. But in reality, that idea hasn't really worked out for many couples, has it? In this 12-part study, Chip examines the biblical design for marriage and explains how you and your spouse can experience all God intended for your relationship. Now, if you want a marriage that lasts and is more fulfilling than any fairy tale, don't miss any part of this series. Well, before we go any further, Chip's joined me in studio with an important word to share with all of you.

Hey, I'll be right back in just a minute with some final thoughts about today's message. But I really want to emphasize to you that of all the things that have broken my heart in ministry over the years, it's watching really good people, even very godly people, allow things to enter into their relationship and destroy their marriage. Either they live in parallel lives together or it actually ends in divorce. And I long to see God restore marriages in Christian homes that are rich and deep, where you have a best friend, you have a soulmate, where there's genuine passion in every area of your life. And so I've written a book called Marriage That Works, and it's God's design. It's what He actually says from Scripture about how a marriage can be rich and deep, and the romance can come back, and the feelings can return, and the commitment can be the foundation of all that works.

It's more than reading a book. We want to see a marriage transformed. Thanks Chip. To order a copy of Marriage That Works, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. This book will help you better understand God's model for marriage, the roles of husbands and wives, and what it really means to be one with your spouse. No matter where your relationship is, this tool will encourage you. Again, to get your hands on Chip's book, Marriage That Works, call 888-333-6003 or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org. App listeners tap special offers.

To wrap up, here again is Chip. As we talk about marriage, at the very end of today's teaching, after we've studied all four of these keys to intimacy, almost in passing, I said, Now, make sure that you follow this equation, and the equation was personal time plus supportive friends plus renewing activities equals a fully alive you and a full battery to be a giver. When I have at times and when I've sought to help other people develop intimacy in their marriage, they get blinders on. I mean, they get so focused on, I've got to meet the needs of my mate.

I need to do this. We're watching this. We're praying about that. I'm trying to do the care list over here.

We had a conference last week. Pretty soon, you look up and you realize, I don't have a life. You have to guard what you need in your time with God, in your time alone, in your time with same-sex friends, in your time of being renewed physically and emotionally so that you have something to give. There's this wonderful balance. What you have is, imagine, if you will, two circles. One circle is your life. The other circle is your mate's life. Take these two circles and blend them together. What you want is about 50 percent overlap.

You don't want the circles on top of one another where everything is together. You want to have an independent life and a shared together life that is balanced. That's why, I mean, Teresa and I have come together. We have a plan.

We just joined a new lifetime fitness place because we needed to develop some areas, kind of work on those backs and get stronger this year. Teresa has a couple of gals she does individual Bible study with. I've put on my calendar some guy time. What she knows is, when I get refreshed, I bring a different man to the marriage. So it's a balance. Personal time plus supportive friends and renewing activities equals a fully alive you with a full battery to be a giver.

Challenging words, Chip. Thanks. As we wrap up this program, Living on the Edge depends on listeners like you to help us continue encouraging Christians to live like Christians. So would you consider becoming a monthly partner to help others benefit from this ministry? You can set up a recurring donation at livingontheedge.org or by calling us at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or visit livingontheedge.org. App listeners, tap donate and thanks for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, until next time, this is Dave Drewy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.