Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Four Keys to Intimacy, Part 1

I think it's safe to say that we all long to be connected to someone in a very deep level.

But for most of us, we don't know how to get there. While I've got some good news for you, there are four keys to cultivating intimacy in your marriage that come straight out of Scripture. And today I'll share the first two keys that can help you grow in connectedness to your mate.

Stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. Thanks for being with us as we're a little over halfway through our practical series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. For the past handful of programs, Chip's described God's original design for marriage from Genesis chapter 2 and explained why communication and closeness are vital for any relationship. Today, as he teased, he'll walk through the biblical game plan for true, lasting intimacy. That's rooted in four foundational principles. But before he begins, if you've missed any part of this series, catch up anytime at livingontheedge.org or by listening on the Chip Ingram app.

Well, with all that said, here now is Chip with his talk. Your marriage can change for the better. And as you sit here, I want you to know many of you have tried different times to change your marriage and you sort of start and then it sort of fizzles out. And some of you, even as you sit here and those listening will say, you know what, I tried this a few times before.

I don't want to try this one more time and be disappointed. And so here's the other truth I want to tell you. Your marriage can change for the better, but it probably won't.

That woke you up, didn't it? And it probably won't, not because God doesn't have a great plan, not because there's not power, not because you know enough right now to begin to put some things into practice that would cause a revolution. It won't because we have a faulty view of how life change occurs. The average person thinks that listening to truth brings about life change. I've had the privilege of sharing God's word with you. I've got news for you.

You can listen until the cows come in. It brings no change whatsoever. In fact, even agreeing with the truth brings no change.

You can sit around in small groups and sip coffee or cokes and say, you know, I really agree. That is God's design and we do have those barriers. And honey, didn't you think that's our problem? Oh, I do think that's our problem. And you know what?

You can do that and six weeks from now, you'll still have the same problem. Hearing God's truth doesn't bring change. Agreeing with God's truth doesn't bring change. Even agreeing that you need to change in what you've heard doesn't bring change. Only one thing brings change, acting on the truth. When Jesus was preaching in John chapter 8 to a group of Jews, He says that to those Jews who had believed on Him, to those who abide in His word, it's a key word, abide, taking in the truth to put it into practice. He says to them, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. The fact is most of us have learned unconsciously to traffic in truth. If I know it, if I agree with it, if I understand it, we get this small delusion into thinking, well, change is going to occur. I want you to know no change occurs until you put the truth into practice. And that's what we're going to do. This is going to be one of those, I mean, it is going to be so practical it's going to hurt, okay?

I mean, very, very, I want to get to the practical every day. What would it look like on Monday? What's it going to look like next weekend? How are we going to do this together? Because my experience is that's what you're going to need if real change is going to occur. I put together what I call the parable of the car to kind of give you an idea of how this is going to work and why it's so important.

So this is a word picture, okay? I'm trying to get into your head. I'm trying to sneak around the corner to get you to really put some things into practice that you now know up here, but I just know like three days from now, your life's going to be busy. A week from now, I mean, things are really moving and hopping.

I want to figure a way, if I can, to help you see how the change will occur and then give you some very practical steps. Okay, here's my hypothetical. When you make hypothetical stories, right, they're hypothetical, so I can say whatever I want, and you have to believe me.

Okay, so this isn't true, and I'm making it up, but since I'm making it up, I can say whatever I want. Okay, I want you to pretend that you have a nephew, and he has been with your dear beloved brother in the Amazon with his mom and dad translating the Bible in the thicket of jungles, and he probably speaks two or three tribal languages. He's never been to America. He's learned some things.

He doesn't have a computer. His first exposure to Western civilization is they realized that at about 20, you know, he probably needs to go to college and get an education, and he's very mature in many ways. He's a spiritual young man. He's a godly young man, but he gets off the plane, and he goes, that big silver thing flew. This is wild, and I mean, he sees buildings, and everything is brand new to him.

Now, he's heard about him. He's seen some pictures, but he's never been here, and so you're thinking to yourself, you better keep him kind of close. Why don't we have him go to a community college, get him a good education, and, you know, we'll have him live here with us because my brother, you know, he ends up in one of those wild dorms. You know, we'll keep him at the house, and so you think to yourself, I do not want to get up every day and drive this kid to the community college, and so you buy a pretty inexpensive secondhand car, and you go out into a very big parking lot, and you begin to teach him to drive. Okay, and so, you know, you teach him the basics, and he's pretty athletic, and so he picks it up pretty quickly, scares you a little bit, and you show him how the car works. You kind of get him moving a little bit.

He learns just enough, goes down there. He's a bright kid, passes his license, and you do it once or twice together, and then pretty soon you say, okay, great. The fall semester starts, he gets in the car, he goes, and everything's great for two weeks. And then the other thing you informed him of is these magical little boxes that you can open up called cell phones, and he carries one now, and it buzzes, and he opens it, and he can talk to you any time.

In fact, he calls you at very odd times. And so now you get a call in the middle of a business meeting, or maybe you're home, you know, doing some things around the house, and he says, uncle or aunt, the car you gave me doesn't work anymore. And he tells you vaguely where he is, and you go down, and you drive down, and he's right, it doesn't work. And you think to yourself, now, what's wrong with this thing? You know, I had it all checked out by a mechanic, and we got a problem here.

Well, what you find out is it's out of gas. And you say to him, well, why didn't you put any gas in the car? He says, what's gas? Oh, I know I should have told him about that. So he says, okay, so you know, he needs some fuel, so you take him, and you get the gas, and you show him that every so often, and here's the dial, I really should have said something about, but you know, he learns now, and now for two, three, four months, things are going great. And then you get another phone call. And this time he says, hey, this car is making very, very funny smells, and it's very hot, and there's smoke coming out of it.

I don't know what's wrong. And you say to him, well, when's the last time you changed the oil? And he says, what's the oil? And then you realize, oh, brother, maintenance, I kind of skipped that one too, and you realize that hot moving parts need oil to keep things going in a good direction. So you show him about that and how to change the oil, and you go through that, and everything's fine, and you know, pretty soon, I mean, he goes, his first year is just about over, and you know, he's got about 13, 14 months, and then he calls you, and he says, and you hear this noise, what's that? He says, I don't know, this car's not working right.

It's making really funny noise that scares me. And you say, well, when's the last time you got it tuned up? And he says, what's the tune up? And you realize, oh, are you getting the picture here? And so he takes it in and realizes you got to tune it up and take care of things.

And then finally, he has your confidence, and he's been there about 18 months. He's a good young man, and he's met this beautiful young woman, but you know, she's in another city, about seven hours drive, and so he goes seven hours away in the highways, you know, that says I-75 and I-40 and I this, and he just thinks, you know, I don't know what all these numbers mean, but he gets there with someone else, and then on the way back, he gets on an I-75 going the wrong direction, and he lands somewhere about 300 or 400 miles away from where he's supposed to and doesn't know how to get home, and you get another call. And you say to him, you know, it wasn't that expensive a car, but did you plug in on the navigational system how to get home?

He goes, what's the navigational system? And you go, oh, brother, here's the little parable. You know, you can have skill, and you can know some basics, but in marriage, it's not about just getting started, fuel of commitment. There's going to be times in your marriage that things heat up, and so what you better find is you better learn the oil of communication, and then every marriage, I don't care how good it is, and you can set goals and work at things, there's times where you've got to stop your marriage and get the marriage car off the road and get it into the shop and get some time away from everybody and have some nice walks and some good talks and some good food and reassess where you've been, and you've got to tune up your marriage.

And if you don't do that on a regular basis, guess what? The same thing that happens to a marriage happens just like with a car. And finally, you can be going in a marriage and be working and get so close to everything, you never ask yourself, what direction are we going as a couple? It gets so focused on just us and our fulfillment, and if you have kids, our kids, and what are we doing here and there? And so all of a sudden you drift as a couple and you wake up 10, 20, 25 years, and you realize that you never thought through. There was no navigational system about what's the mission, what's our commission from God, why are we here? And what I want to give to you in just very, very practical ways with tools is to how to keep fuel of commitment in your marriage, how to oil it on a regular basis, how and why to take a tune-up, and then finally, how to lock in a navigational system that will set your car in alignment with what God wants to do.

Does that make sense? So see, when you make up these stories, sometimes they make the point, they're not all that interesting, but you do the best you can. But you got a car called marriage, and it runs out of fuel quickly, doesn't it? And it needs oil, requires a tune-up, and you better know where you're going.

So with that, open your notes with me and let's dig in together. We've been through the parable of the car. Most marriages do not work.

This is how to make yours the exception. Most cars don't run forever, but people who do these four things with their cars, they last a very, very long time. And so first I want to talk about the fuel of commitment, the fuel of commitment, and the definition is a lifelong choice of unconditional love to an imperfect person.

And circle the word choice. This is what keeps your marriage going. It's not your feelings.

That's what you're being told. Your feelings come, your feelings go. The fuel of commitment is a lifelong choice.

When you feel like it, when you don't feel like it. Not to a wonderful, I love them all the time, they come through for me person, but to an imperfect person. Remember I said earlier, love is giving to another person what they need the most and they deserve it the least at great personal cost. And if there's one thing I want you to get about the fuel of commitment, so many people give up on their marriage because they get love and infatuation confused. Love has nothing to do with feelings.

Love is about choices. Can I give you a biblical illustration? Final night on the earth, Jesus, he's in the garden. Does Jesus love you, yes or no? Yes. Did Jesus feel like going to the cross to pay the penalty for your sin? Yes or no?

No. In fact, so much so that here he is on his knees and he's praying and he's realizing not simply that they're going to stick thorns in his head, not simply that he's going to be drugged through half naked, that he's going to be humiliated by the people that he made and created and loved, but there's going to become a time where there's going to be a separation from the Father, a cosmic division that has never occurred in all eternity as he would become your sin substitute. And it's so intense that he's praying and he's sweating like great drops of blood. And what does he pray? Father, if there's a plan B that we haven't thought of in the Godhead, let's go with that one.

Isn't that really what he prayed? I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do it, but nevertheless, not my will but yours. That's what it requires for the fuel of marriage. Love is a commitment that you make. The mandate is Matthew 19, three through eight. If you read it, you find that classic passage that most of you heard where Jesus is asked about divorce and remarriage and he says, what God has brought together, let not anyone pull apart or pull asunder.

I remember when I got married to Teresa and thought about the gravity of the commitment, I thought I needed a word picture and we would go visit her folks. And they live, I mean, way in the hills of West Virginia. And in the hills of West Virginia, you can walk out of their house and it just kind of goes straight up and it's rock. And then it goes hills like this. And they had a little house that had a spring. And what they often do is they would dig out the hill and so you have a spring and it's cool. And then they build a little house into the mountains so it's all rock except for this door. And then they would keep all kind of canned goods. I thought if there was ever like a big war, this would be a great place to be.

Plenty of food and rock all around you. And I remember thinking about, because everyone gets afraid, I think, when you're getting ready to get married and little cold feet and thought about, do I really love her? Not how do I feel, do I love her to the point that no matter what. And I remember this little word picture came to my mind. It just says as I was praying, I think the Spirit brought it to my mind. I pictured Teresa and I walking into this little spring house.

It's, you know, maybe 10 by 10. And there's water and there's enough food forever. Kind of been nice that there was an exercise bike but didn't have that. And I pictured Teresa and I walking in hand in hand and then when someone's shutting the door behind us. And then in my early years as I was coaching and teaching, during the summers I worked with a bricklayer. And so we did hadite block and we did fireplaces and brick. And so I had the picture of my bricklayer taking not one layer, not two layers, but three layers of hadite block. And so it's all rock here.

And there's three layers of hadite concrete block there. And you know what? We can get mad at each other. I can go to this corner, you can go to this corner. And there's plenty to drink. And there's food.

But there ain't no way out. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And he'll continue our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, in just a minute. But first, do you long to have the God-honoring, love-filled relationship Chip's been describing in this series? If so, stick around after this teaching to hear about a tool we've developed to help husbands and wives deepen their connection with one another and to God.

Keep listening for more info. Well, with that, here again is Chip. The word divorce has never been used in our home. I have a friend who actually took a dictionary and cut it out of the dictionary because the moment there is an option, how you process your problems changes 100%. Love is a choice.

You know what? I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'll admit it. Have there been times that our marriage has been so difficult, so painful, so frustrating, if I could just get out legally before God, would I?

Absolutely. That's how big our problems were. There's times I felt so angry and so frustrated and like, no amount of work can ever fix this, but I chose to stay in my marriage. Man, I'm glad I did. Because most of us bail out of a very hard situation, and we think it's going to get better, and it doesn't.

The greatest thing you can ever do. You know, God wants to change your life through this process, and what you have signed up, you signed up for the spiritual NFL. And I've never seen the NFL running back, come through the line, gain about five yards, get smashed, and then get up and go, boy, that hurt. How come you hit me?

That wasn't very nice. If you want to gain yards in the NFL, you get your head knocked off when you come across the middle as a receiver, and linebackers take big shots when you come through the line. But, you know, there's not a lot of people that are running backs in the NFL who are experiencing accomplishing what they are.

And, you know, this is a lot more than being a running back in football. This is about getting some of the most precious experiences and quality of life with another person. But I want to tell you, the fuel of commitment begins with a lifelong choice. And it says, the rationale is you can write the word to love.

Why do you do it? It's to love. And then next to that, just write this little phrase, I'm committed to you. By the way, that's the seed, that's the soil, that's the environment in which real love grows. See, I'm not going to let you see who I am, as insecure as I am, unless I know that you're not going to bail out on me.

People hold back for fear that, who, if I get vulnerable, they're going to see how ugly and terrible and struggles I have, and real deep love can only happen when that other person knows I'm in this, and I'm in it for good. I'm in it when it's good, I'm in it when it's bad. I'm in it, you know, are you ready for this? In sickness or in health. In happiness or in sorrow. Till death do us part. Do I understand that there are some, a couple biblical situations where someone can throw dynamite or TNT or nitroglycerin and blow up a marriage that you don't have any control of, that they just walk out on you and get involved with someone else? I understand.

But in about 98% of the cases, that's not the case, is it? How do you do that? You make a weekly choice to say I love you. You know, it's an amazing thing. Every day, choose, and especially try and do something you don't feel like.

Every day, try and do something you don't feel like doing that you know communicates to your mate that you love him. And you know what? It's an amazing thing. You know, just like habits are built, your love can be like a muscle that gets strengthened, and little by little by little by little, you can become the kind of person that someone else is living with, wow, I knew you were tired and I knew you didn't really feel like doing that, and yet you love me in this way. You know what that does?

That causes a response, and that causes something very exciting to happen. Now, you don't do it. Now, by the way, love means if nothing comes back, it's okay, because you didn't do it for them, you did it for God.

But, boys, you do that, you'll see great things happen. A weekly choice to say I love you. Our model is Jesus.

You might jot in the corner of your notes Hebrews 13.5. I will never ever leave you or forsake you. Jesus has told me, Chip, good days, bad days, hard days, terrible days, when you mess up, when you think terrible thoughts, when you've done things that make me ashamed of you as my son after I've died for you. Chip, I will never ever leave you or forsake you.

And if he's going to do that for me, what's he want me to do? He wants my mate to know I will never ever leave you or forsake you. That's the fuel, and that's commitment. The oil of communication is a lifelong skill of learning to understand each other.

But notice it's a lifelong skill. You just don't get it and then you have it for good, of learning to understand each other. The mandate is Ephesians 4. Ephesians 4, 15 and 16. But speaking the truth to one another, we're to grow up in what?

All aspects into him who is the head, even Christ. And it goes on to say, by that which every joint supplies according to the proper working of each individual part causes the growth of the body to the building up of itself in love. And so, you know, when parts start moving, you make progress, they overheat, you need some oil in the relationship, and communication does that, and the rationale is to know. You want to communicate.

Loving says I'm committed to you. Communication says I want to know you. I want to know all about you. I want to be a student of you.

I want to learn your likes and dislikes. I want to be close to you, so I need to know who you are. And when you know them, then that little phrase you learn is I trust you. That's what you communicate when you communicate. When you say, I really want to get to know you, if that choice says I love you, this says I trust you. I trust you.

Well, why do you say that? Because I'm going to progressively take the zipper of my heart of who I really am, and I'm going to keep lowering it. And I'm going to take my heart with vulnerable stuff that if you wanted to, man, you could hurt me very badly. You do understand the people that can love you the most can wound you the most deeply.

And so it takes trust. And so what you do is little by little, you kind of put your heart out on that platter. These are my fears. These are my dreams. These are my struggles.

And how you handle those will tell me how I'm going to respond to you next time. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message, Four Keys to Intimacy, from our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Many philosophers and writers have likened marriage to a journey or an adventure.

So if that's true, how do we know where to go next or what to do? Well, through this series, Chip will share God's roadmap to a flourishing relationship between a husband and wife, learn how to better communicate, build deeper intimacy, and navigate conflict when it comes. Whether you've been together for 40 years, engaged, or terrified of the possibility of getting married, you're going to learn a lot from Chip's teaching. Well, I'm joined in studio now by Chip, and Chip, you said earlier in the series, communication is the highway upon which love travels. What did you mean by that? What I mean by that is you can love your mate with all your heart and with the very best of intentions and do what you really think is communicating love.

And let me just tell you from personal experience, you can absolutely miss it. For years and years, I mean, I was trying so hard in my marriage, and I was kind of speaking Italian, you know, and she only spoke French. And what I mean by that is that there's a language that communicates to your mate, but you may not use the same language. So for me, verbal affirmation, physical touch, those things communicate, wow, I really feel loved. Well, to my wife, it was acts of service. I mean, it was like vacuuming the floor, taking out the garbage, and then meaningful time together were hers. And so I was doing one thing, and she was like, hey, here's a great dinner, and look how clean the house is.

And I'm going, uh, okay, thank you very much. And so we had to learn the other person's love language, and then for us, having the tools that when there is conflict, how do you resolve it without attacking the person? And so out of that led us to marriage counseling, and out of that led us to a number of tools that really helped us learn how to speak the other's language and how to resolve conflict and how to really communicate. And that developed into a small group series called Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Let me encourage you, watch it by yourself if you have to, but better, get two or three couples, and I will guarantee one thing, it'll get deeper, richer, and better.

Dave, why don't you tell them how to get it? Well, to order the Small Group Study Guide or the DVD, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. And let me tell you, just by investing some time in this study, you'll be blown away by what you'll learn about marriage and what God has in store for you and your spouse.

For complete details about the small group resources for experiencing God's dream for your marriage, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. App listeners, tap Special Offers. Here again is Chip to share a few final thoughts for us to think about. As we close today's program, I want you to know that key number one was commitment, and key number two is communication.

I use the metaphor of the car. Now here's what I want you to do. I want you to do something very specific to enhance your communication. I talked about this a little bit earlier in the series, but this has been the most helpful tool for communication in my marriage and literally in thousands of couples.

I call it a conference. I've given you the details about how to do it, but you ask and answer three questions, and the only rule is, you ask the question, you can't interrupt, and you let the other person speak until they can't think of anything else to say. It eliminates a lot of arguments, and it allows you to get the issues of your heart on the table. Question number one, and I want you to decide when this week are you going to do it. You set aside 20 minutes, 30 minutes max, and you ask your mate, what are you concerned about, and then you put duct tape on your mouth and just let them talk until they can't think of anything else. Second question then is what do you wish, and you just let them talk. And the third question is what are you willing to do. So you ask the first question, then they ask you the same question.

You ask the second question, they ask you the second question. What are you concerned about, what do you wish, what are you willing to do? It will be so hard to not interrupt, fix, defend, just be quiet.

The other thing is don't go too deep too fast. If you haven't done this ever before, just start talking without being interrupted about the things that are on your heart, the things that you wish, and you will begin to get some things on the table that you've not discussed in a long time. So often it's about schedules, kids, work, ministry, church, and you never get to the heart-to-heart issue. Let me encourage you to decide what time, what day, get a relaxed atmosphere, and have a conference. It will really get the ball rolling in the area of communication. Great advice, Chip. And before we go, the points Chip just reviewed come right from his message notes, a great resource to help you get the most out of every program. It provides you with Chip's outline, all of the Scripture he references, and lots of fill-ins to help you remember what you're learning. So before you listen again, let me encourage you to download Chip's message notes at livingontheedge.org, under the Broadcasts tab, app listeners tap Fill In Notes. Well, join us next time as Chip continues his series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Until then, I'm Dave Druey, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. .