Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Communication: How to Share Hearts Instead of Exchange Words, Part 1

For the first two years of our marriage, Teresa and I argued and fought a lot. And then I learned five principles from Scripture that revolutionized how we dealt with those issues. We still had fights. We still disagreed. But we learned how to communicate hearts instead of just exchange words.

If you want to learn how to improve the communication with your mate, stick around. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are a discipleship-driven ministry on a mission to encourage Christians everywhere to live like Christians. Thanks for joining us as we're in the middle of our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Today, Chip dives into an area we can always improve on in our relationships, no matter how long we've been together, communication. How can we talk to our spouse in a kind and loving way, while also listening to their wants, needs, and desires?

Well, that's what Chip will answer today. So if you're ready, let's join him now with his message, Communication, How to Share Hearts Instead of Exchange Words, from Ephesians Chapter 4. Communication is the highway upon which love travels.

Okay? Communication is the highway upon which love travels. You can love one another.

You can love God. You can be committed to one another. And if you can't get out inside of you what you really think and what you really feel, and if your mate can't do it in a way that doesn't attack and wound one another, I will tell you, in years and years of marriage counseling, there are people that love one another, love God, and no longer are together because they could not communicate and get to the heart of the issues. I told you earlier about that first couple years of my life, and that professor sent us to marriage counseling, and I bet 90% of it was learning to communicate. We didn't know how to resolve anger, and we didn't know how to communicate. Well, you know what? There's a lot of issues that if you can't get the love traveling on the highway of communication, you're dead. And the frustration boils over, especially if you really love God and you want to get through and you want to express this to your mate, but you just keep getting knocked down.

Pretty soon the blame starts. The greatest, most vivid example, it's in your notes, it starts with, it all started with the car. It was early pastorate that I had in Texas many, many years ago, and I loved to play basketball. If you've ever heard me speak, you know, I'm a basketball junkie and had the privilege of playing in college and then around the world for a couple, three summers. And these neighbors had a hoop, and so I knew these were going to be my friends, you know, because I'm going to go play.

And we started playing, and he had three boys and I had boys, and one thing led to another, and I found out that he was there, he'd been through a couple very difficult relationships, and he had four teenagers, and he was living with a gal who'd been through some really painful relationships and a couple three marriages, and she had a tiny little girl, and they were all living together, and so we went down to play basketball, six, seven, eight, nine months. And little by little got a chance to share Christ with them, and then he came down one day, and I can still remember, you know, I was weeding next to my mailbox, and Dan comes by, why didn't you tell me? I said, what do you mean? Why didn't you tell me? I said, why didn't I tell you what?

That you're one of those preacher types, you're a pastor. I said, well, yeah, I am. He said, well, we've been kind of watching you and Theresa, and we've been listening, and we want to get married, will you marry us? And I'm thinking, oh boy. I said, well, I tell you what, one of the things I have is I always do six weeks minimum of counseling, and you really need to know what marriage is, and it's kind of hard, and so I want to talk about how that works, and I would love to meet with you and your wife, and Theresa will do it too.

Well, we did it by about the third session. They both came to Christ, amazing stories, great redemption, and went through the whole process, and then now we're into this new marriage, six or nine months. They're both brand new in Christ. They both love God.

They're both in God's Word. They're both going, I would say it was a good church. I got to be the pastor.

It was a great group of people, and so I came by, and he was in this traveling job where, you know, like Monday through Thursday or even all the way to Friday, he'd be traveling all over America in sales, and then come home. Well, she's with four teenagers that aren't hers, okay, and they're making her nuts, and so he comes home, and he's thinking, oh, I haven't seen my wife. Let's go out to dinner. I'm going to really love her.

We're going to have a date. That's all the stuff, and she's thinking, we've got to resolve conflict with Bob at school and, you know, your other son and your daughter. You know, she's dating this guy, and she's juggling all this stuff, and so anyway, they come home, and she's listening. She's meeting with Teresa, and he's meeting with me, so this is, listen, listen. They love each other, remember?

They're committed to the Lord, remember? They're actually growing spiritually, remember, and so he comes home for the weekend, and she says, I want to be other-centered and grace-giving, so they go out to a beautiful dinner. They have a romantic evening. They take walks the next day, and, you know, but she keeps waiting for, when are we going to have the big talk? I mean, when are you going to sit down and talk about, you know, am I going to discipline these kids, and they're too big for me, and what about these issues, and we've got all kind of things we need to do.

Well, he wants to be other-centered, and it's getting cold in Texas, so it's Sunday afternoon, and he's going to get on a plane in about five or six hours, so he is out underneath the car changing the oil of her car to make sure the antifreeze, so he's loving her, all right? You got the story. I walk down. I know we're not going to get to play basketball, and my, one of my kids runs out of the house and says, Dad, you better watch out. It's going like crazy down there. I said, well, what do you mean? So I walk up, and by the time I get there, I mean, it is a no-holds-barred.

He's going to half under the car sitting up like that. There is veins, eyes bulbing, plates have already been flowing, there is cursing, there is you are this, everything they've ever thought, I mean, like, everything they brought into their marriage that was ugly bad, they just spewed it on one another, and I mean, my kid ran out and said, what happened? Well, that plate almost hit me when it went by and crashed against the wall, you know, and I said, well, get home, you know, and so I watched all this happen, and she's there thinking what?

Man, I'm loving these four adults, you know, teenage adults, and I've got all this stuff on my hands, and you've been here two and a half days, we've had a decent talk, and you're going to get on a plane, I'm stuck with all this, I don't know what we're going to do. And he's thinking, you know what, I have come home and I have wined and dined instead of getting a workout and doing some stuff I wanted to do, and I took these romantic walks and talks like Chip says we're supposed to do and all this jazz, and here I am out here trying to get your car ready for you so you're safe and you treat me well. And I will remember doing a debrief about a week later and hours with him, Teresa hours with her, bring them both together.

Here's what I can tell you. He did what he did all weekend for one reason. He loved her.

She did what she did all weekend because she loved him. They both put the other person first in a way that they understood to obey God, and they had one of the biggest fights that put a barrier in their marriage that they never recovered from. See, we learned you need to love God and know His plan, they knew it. We said their barriers, they identified their barriers and they loved one another and they were operating to solve it. But what they couldn't do is they had not learned how on the highway of communication to get the love that was in heart for his wife and her love for him on the highway of communication in a way that could get received and under pressure they went back to the old ways. And you know, to this day, I know two people are no longer together who love one another, who both love God because they didn't learn what we're going to learn right now. Let's talk about the communication process.

We're going to learn what it is and how it works. Understanding the communication process, the definition is the meeting of meanings. Write the word meanings. Communication is not talking. It's when the meaning, what's in your heart, what do you really mean, somehow goes across this highway into the heart and to the mind of your mate. Norman Wright says, communication is the privilege of exchanging vulnerabilities.

By the way, the word vulnerable, it means open to woundedness. See, great communication is always risky and often painful before it gets good. Norman Wright also says communication is the process of sharing yourself verbally and non-verbally in such a way that the other person, listen, can both accept and understand what you're saying. So if you say it in a way where they can't accept it or they can't understand it, you don't communicate. You can say, I said the right words, I wrote it down, this is the way it is. If they can't hear it, you didn't communicate. And a lot of times we do things unintentionally, completely unintentionally, that shut down the communication process.

Many of us think, especially us as men, we think communication, look, that's what I said, I said I love you, okay? Look, I love you. You don't get it?

What's the deal? I love you. Hey, I said it once, I said it twice, you know, I love you, okay?

Get over it. Now what did my words say? Someone could have put that in a transcript and said, oh my, Chip's such a wonderful husband.

He just said six times in a row, I love you. Except that wasn't my tone of voice, was it? Notice on your notes the complete message, words alone are about seven percent. Tone of voice, 38 percent.

Facial expression, gestures, posture, the nonverbal, 55 percent. And by the way, that's sometimes, as men, we get really frustrated because we, you know, we're really trying, but they can read behind. And some of you guys can do it too, you know, it's kind of like, yeah, let's, yeah, you know, yeah, we need that deep talk. Yeah, go ahead, hun, you know, whatever, just, I mean, tell me, I really want to hear. Oh, yeah, yeah, communication, that's, kids, yeah, let's go, no, I'm listening, I'm listening.

Right? You see, your body, your presence, your face, your tone of voice, your eyes, all of that is how we communicate with one another. And if we think I said the right thing, or I even meant the right thing, and if you think you got through, you may not have all. And I notice it's a skill. It's the highway on which love travels. It is a skill. It can be learned. But most of us did not grow up with models where people communicated clearly and well, and most of us don't know how. I mean, I spent about $90, that was a student rate, I spent $90, I'm making $1,000 a month in seminary, and I've got three kids, I'm working full time, going to school full time. And I've got this little tiny apartment that you can live all that on a thousand, I paid $90 for 12 weeks in a row to learn how to communicate. So actually, I should be charging most of you for me telling you what these counselors taught me. All right? And then I have some passages that will be helpful too.

But it's a skill. There's five levels of communication according to author John Powell who wrote the book Why I'm Afraid to Tell You Who I Am. He says there's the cliché level one, safe, shallow, you know, how are you, I'm fine. There's level two, reading facts, refers to basically third person. Have you heard about the weather today?

No, I think it's going to rain. There's level three, ideas or judgment. Risk begins here because there's attachment of yourself with the facts. So, what did you think of that message last week in church? What do you think about the current political situation?

What do you think about what we need to do with our money? Do you see? Now, what you say may cause a little conflict, so it's getting a little bit more dangerous. Level four is feelings and emotions, laying self on the line. I feel hurt. I'm struggling. I'm depressed.

I was really offended last night when we were with that couple and you brought that subject up that you know, you never talked with me about that. I felt really damaged. Level five is open communication, total honesty, mutual understanding, vulnerability, no holes barred. Now on the left side of your notes, at the very top where it says level one, I want you to write the word safe and put a box around it. And then at the very bottom where it says level five, I want you to write the word dangerous.

Because here's what you need to understand. Shallow communication is very safe, but it doesn't lead to intimacy. Intimacy occurs at levels four and five. It moves from safe to dangerous, but deeply fulfilling along with deeply painful conversations happen at levels four and especially at level five. And if you don't understand, then you'll start opening up and you'll start sharing and then some hard things are going to come out and you're going to get wounded and you're going to get hurt and instead of realizing, oh, this is normal, this is like we're at level four point five and I guess I need to be real sensitive to what the Spirit's saying so that before it comes out of my mouth, I really process it and instead of striking back, maybe I really need to listen carefully. There may be a nugget of truth into this.

See, if you don't know it's dangerous, then you'll react, right? And pretty soon you'll close down. And we want to talk about, so how in the world do you move from level one down progressively in different areas to level five?

Intimacy always occurs at levels four and five. But some of you might be having this thought, well, wait a minute, you know, I've tried that before and you're right, there is a lot of pain. I was really open before.

And we've done some of that and you know what, if you're going to ask me to go there again, I'm not going to do it because it hurt too badly. I want to suggest is that you need some rules. You need some principles from God to build that highway of communication so you can go there without getting hurt, all right?

So with that, let me give you five principles I believe that will transform communication in your home. If you open your Bibles to Ephesians chapter four, the context is really exciting because you know the first three chapters are about all these wonderful great things that God has done. You're a new person in Christ and then chapter four opens up, now walk in a manner worthy of your calling.

In other words, how do you live out this new supernatural life? The Spirit of God has taken up residence in you. You've been taken out of the kingdom of darkness. You've been pulled into the kingdom of light. Your sins are gone.

You have peace. The Spirit lives in you. You're part of a new family called the church.

You are going to be transformed. He says, how does it work? And in the first 17 verses, he begins to explain about who you are in Christ and how your mind needs to be transformed. And the supernatural thing called the church is called a community where he gives apostles and prophets and evangelists and teachers so that he equipped the saints to do the work in the ministry until everyone is mature. The idea is where with all the fullness, we become more and more like Jesus.

And then after he lays all that out, he picks it up and he says, okay, now let me target about five specific areas about how this practically works out in your relationships. How do you live out this new supernatural life, the Spirit of God in you? You're born again.

You're a Christian. How does it work in relationships? And he gives five very simple principles.

Principle number one, you pick it up in verse 15, but he develops it in verse 25. And it's simply put, be honest. Write those two words down. Speak the truth in love. I mean, this is the key to communication. It is easy to speak the truth. It is easy to speak in love. It is very hard to speak the truth in love.

I mean, you know, it's easy to speak the truth. You gained a lot of weight lately. What's the problem? Oh, nothing really.

I think it's the lazy guy I'm married to. The truth is just right out there on the table. No problem here, right?

But I'm not sure that's going to bring about good communication or you don't ever mention areas that are of pain or a problem. Oh, you're wonderful. I'm wonderful. You're wonderful. I'm wonderful. No, you know, you're more wonderful.

No, no, no, no, no. You're wonderful that I'm more wonderful. And you just take all that junk.

You don't face it and you push it down. Speaking the truth isn't hard. Speaking in love isn't hard. Speaking the truth in love requires tremendous Spirit-directed capacity.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And before we continue today's program, let me tell you, you don't have to be a perfect couple to experience the dream God has for your marriage. Let me encourage you to keep listening after this teaching as Chip talks about a small group resource we have that'll help you realize all God wants for your relationship.

You won't want to miss it. Okay, here now is Chip with the rest of his talk. Notice what he says in verse 15, but speaking the truth in love, notice what happens. We're to grow up into all aspects and to Him who is the head, even Christ.

Finish then with lying and tell your neighbor the truth. Well, your mate is a neighbor. We are not separate units, but intimately related to one another in Christ. It means that we stop pretending. It means we don't lie. And it means that in a very calculated, wise, God-ordained way, we begin to move into levels four and five and we start talking honestly about areas that are of conflict, areas that are hard, areas where you're dissatisfied, areas where you feel wounded. But you speak the truth in a way where the other person can hear it because it's couched in, I'm not down on you.

This is not payback. And I'm going to give you some specific skills toward the end about how to do this, okay? But what you got to do, we've got to be honest. You don't grow unless we're honest with one another.

One of the little applications I would give you right in your notes, make direct requests. One of the things we do is we think our mates can read our minds. And so the car is a quarter low on empty and your husband drives your car and it comes back all the way on empty. And you're frustrated and everything. And so what we go to is, I can't believe he's so inconsiderate. Why does he leave my car that way?

Well, I'll get news for you. If he's anything like me, I don't know where my car is. Heaven knows I know what yours is. You know, often my wife grew up with a dad who was like Mr. Fix-It, you know, like Mr. Rogers on steroids except, you know, Mr. Green Jeans was there. And he painted his house every three years whether it needed it or not. I didn't even notice when our house needed painted, okay?

And so she's thinking I'm going to be like him. And so she's assuming, well, you know, why have you serviced the cars? They're not running, you know? Or, you know, when are we going to repair this thing?

It doesn't look broken to me. That's way too in. I wasn't good or bad. I just, you know what my dad was good at? Catching baseballs, hitting baseballs, playing basketball.

He was a golden glove boxer. You know what I learned? I learned how to do sports. I didn't, you know, when something broke, my dad's call the repairman.

He couldn't do anything and he reproduced after himself. And you know what she learned? Here's the skill. Make direct requests.

You know what she started doing? Simple things like, Chip, are you going to use my car right now? Yeah, because I need it.

It's got more room. Would you mind filling it with gas? No. In fact, I did it.

Felt like a hero. Oh, boy, look at this, you know? In fact, I started changing the oil. I mean, she thought I was metamorphosized right in front of her. Speak the truth in love.

Those kind of issues like that sometimes go unspoken for 10, 15, 20 years in marriages. Second, you didn't know this much was in the Bible, did you? Be angry. Deal with anger appropriately.

Notice what it says. If you're angry, be sure that it's not out of wounded pride or bad temper. Never go to bed angry.

Don't give the devil that sort of foothold. That's a Phillips translation of Ephesians 4, 26 and 27. The literal translation is be angry. It's a command. It's an imperative.

Yet, do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Anger is the most destructive emotion in any marriage relationship. Anger is the distance between your expectations and your experience is anger. The difference between what you thought was going to happen and what you're currently experiencing creates anger.

Now, sometimes it's justified and sometimes it's not. It just, you know, they just tick you off a little bit and it's because you're selfish. But he says be angry. If you don't deal with that anger and if you push it down, you know, some researchers say as much as 90% of all depression is rooted in unresolved anger.

Well, I can tell you it will cause your stomach to do this. But here's what's for us. What's this verse say? You know, we don't think about, you know, the spirit world and, you know, Jesus came to what? To give life. The enemy came to destroy and to steal and to kill. What's this verse say? Be angry yet don't sin. Don't let the enemy get a foothold. You know, when you go to bed mad, when you have unresolved anger, when you push it down, you're inviting demonic spirits to begin to divide. And then you start playing in your mind and blame shifting. And I'll tell you what, it is a serious thing to be able to say, I feel angry.

I don't know how we need to resolve it, but I feel angry about. One of the little tools, and I feel bad giving this away because I paid my $90 for 12 weeks, but I'm giving it to you free, so I want you to write this down. A skill here is what we call I feel messages.

Our Christian counselor got on a three by five card, it was on our refrigerator for two years. I feel blank when you blank. You want me to go over that again, slower?

Okay. I feel blank, hurt, angry, frustrated, lonely, when you blank. Don't come home on time. Don't call.

Are not affectionate or responsive. I feel blank when you blank. See, what we tend to do is we use ought and should and never and always. You should never do that. You always do that.

How do parents talk to children? Ought, should, never, always. When you hear that from your mate, those are fighting words. You tell a man, you never, you ought, you should.

His manhood is challenged. You want to, you want to, hey, you think that's it? And when you say that to a woman, it's like some, you're not my father talking down to me and making me feel small. Or if you think, you think she's withdrawing now, you keep talking like that.

My wife and I bumped heads and we didn't know how to resolve anger and that card was on here and I had one thing that drove her crazy. She would make dinner and she is what we call a dot communicator. I'm a dash communicator. Dot communicators mean when they say something, there's a period at the end of it. We're going to eat at 5.30, dot.

It's concrete. I mean, not 5.31, 5.30. And when you come in at 20 till 6, I'm a dash. 5.30, you say, hey, let's meet at 5.30, to me that's 20 after 5, 20 to 6, depending on traffic, depending on whatever else is happening, I'm sure you understand, I understand, I'll give you grace, you give me grace.

Okay, I'm a dash, I'm married to a dot, yet another difference. So it's 5.30. And I come in not at 20 till and I don't call and it's now 6 o'clock and I'm thinking, you don't understand, I'm working full time, I'm going to school full time, like two afternoons I can play pickup basketball. When you play pickup basketball, when you win, you stay on. Okay? Okay? I've won three games, I'm not going to leave when I'm still on.

I mean, this is my one little fun, you know, I'm the skinny little white kid playing, I'm on. I'm going to, I can't go home. And so I come home like 30, 40 minutes late and I've had a great time playing basketball and then here we go again. You ought, you should, you never, here's the cold supper, I mean, we fought about it and then so we communicated as we did. She would shut down for two or three days and I would, you know, try and make it up to her and then I kept doing the same thing. And I'll never forget, I came home typically late and instead of she acting like my mother, and by the way, when your wife acts like your mother, just take it to the bank honey, we were going to bam, you know, right? And so she didn't have her hands on her hips and there was candles and all, she goes, your food's in the oven, I'll get it for you if you want to sit down. Uh-oh.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. You know, you know, I don't know what this counselor's teaching her but it's getting scary and so she brings it and she sets it down and she said, I want you to know the kids and I had a good meal. I said, oh. You know, I'm thinking, oh gosh, I'm not sure how to handle this. And so I sat down and I started to eat and she just waited, calm, under control, clothed in her right mind and I had all my defenses up and, and I'll never forget, she looked at me and she said, Chip, I feel like you don't love me when I spend all day cooking a meal to express my love to you and you don't show up and you don't call. It was like, get up and fight like a real man.

You know, eyes watering up. I feel like, see, do you see where the attack has gone? It's an I feel message. And pretty soon it was I feel frustrated, I feel confused, I feel lonely, I feel left out.

And you can learn to begin to express anger with this little message that doesn't attack the person. And then, you know, I don't know, something happened, I just thought, now wait a second, I love to play ball, but I love my wife. If this makes her feel like I don't love her, hey guys, I got news for you. You know what, get a brother over here and it's a chain link fence, I said, you know what, this is your lucky day, I'm on and this is my team and you get my spot, I got to go.

Okay, you can run. And I got home, I mean, it got to be, I rarely ever was not on time. Because as long as she was chiding me, as long as she was trying to get to change me, instead of opening her heart and telling me how she felt, then we were in a battle. When I realized I was wounding her, well, I mean, I may not be sensitive, but I'm not a jerk. That is what, you know, isn't it the kindness of the Lord that brings us to repentance?

It was her kindness to transform me, not her nagging. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message, How to Share Hearts Instead of Exchange Words, from our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Many philosophers and writers have likened marriage to a journey or an adventure.

So if that's true, how do we know where to go next or what to do? Well, through this series, Chip will share God's roadmap to a flourishing relationship between a husband and wife, learn how to better communicate, build deeper intimacy, and navigate conflict when it comes. Whether you've been together for 40 years, engaged, or terrified of the possibility of getting married, you're going to learn a lot from Chip's teaching. Well, Chip's back with me in studio, and Chip, there are a lot of voices and resources out there offering marital advice. A few years back, you published a book on the subject too, called Marriage That Works. Take a minute, if you would, and share what led you to write it and why this resource is different from others out there. I remember when the publisher was talking to me about writing a book on marriage, and I looked at him and I said, uh, there's a lot of great books on marriage.

I mean, I mean, I've read a ton of them, and from my own personal testimony and the issues that Teresa and I have had to work through, they've been really great. Why in the world do we need another book on marriage? And then we begin to talk out loud about what's happening inside and outside the church and the shifting of roles, and there's a lot of great skill books and psychological books and practical books, but there's not a lot of, this is what the Bible says, this is God's design, this is what a covenant is. Men, this is what it looks like to be a man in your marriage.

Women, this is what it looks like to be a woman. This is how you all fit together, and then filled with very practical ways, not a sense of aughts and shoulds and try hard, but this is God's design, this is what the Bible says, and this is actually how marriage works. Hey, God bless you, and I hope you'll grab that book today.

Thanks, Chip. To order a copy of Marriage That Works, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. This book will help you better understand God's model for marriage, the roles of husbands and wives, and what it really means to be one with your spouse. No matter where your relationship is, this tool will encourage you. Again, to get your hands on Chip's book, Marriage That Works, call 888-333-6003 or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org.

App listeners tap special offers. Well, here again is Chip to share some application from this message. I have to tell you that one of the things that I ended this teaching on was this I feel message. I told you the story of, you know, we fought, and communication is the highway upon which love travels.

And you've got to get this. I love Teresa with all my heart. She loved me with all her heart. And I mean, she made me nuts. I mean, I just thought she was so narrow. What's the big deal?

I just want to play basketball. And she thought I was so inconsiderate. We didn't connect. We didn't know how to break through that barrier until we used that tool, that I feel message. I mean, it was like a dagger in my heart when she said, I feel hurt when you... and then she explained it.

And so here's the application for you. I want you to write onto the three by five card, I feel blank when you... and then instead of nagging and aughts and shoulds and trying to power your mate and get them to understand, I want you to use an I feel message. You just can't let your heart get wounded. You can't get bitter. You can't feel like it's impossible. When you love one another, the problem's not the person. The problem is discovering how to communicate your love in a way where the other person can get it.

And it can happen. Today, use one I feel message. God will honor it.

Great challenge, Chip. Just before we close, would you stop for a minute and pray for Living on the Edge today? We've never seen a greater need for God's truth to go out than right now. And by God's grace, Living on the Edge has provided encouragement, teaching, and personal discipleship resources to more people than ever. So thank you to those who support us in prayer. God is doing amazing things. Well, be sure to join us next time as Chip continues his series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Until then, I'm Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.