Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - God's Dream for Your Marriage, Part 2

Most people I talk to about marriage tell me that they wish theirs was better. And if you find yourself in that camp today, you've come to the right place. We're going to talk about God's plan for your marriage and how you can experience a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your spouse, beginning today.

Stay with me. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. And in just a minute, Chip will pick up where he left off in our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Last time, he explained God's role in our relationships and why marriage was created in the first place. Today, Chip will build off that idea by describing the reward of following God's marital blueprint. But before we begin, if this is your first time listening to Living on the Edge, or you want to learn more about what we do, go to livingontheedge.org. You'll find resources on tons of topics and countless programs to enjoy. Or if you prefer, the Chip Ingram map is also a great way to get plugged in with our ministry. Well, with all that said, go to Genesis chapter 2, verse 24 in your Bible. Chip begins by continuing to walk through God's game plan for marriage.

Second, he says, after leaving and shall cleave to his wife. This is a strong word. This is an idea in the old days when I was a kid. In fact, I found it in the hardware store still. It's called epoxy.

Have you seen it? And you know, it's the little tube that has an orange cap and then the little tube that has a blue cap. And I mean, if you really want to glue something is you get a little piece of cardboard and you pour a little of the blue and a little of the orange and then take a toothpick and you stir it around and then this chemical bonding occurs that you basically realize you got like 30 seconds to get it on that stuff or it hardens and then it gets on your finger and it's there for 30 years, right? That's this word. This is you leave and then you bond, you cleave.

Where? Every level. I mean, it is an inner meshing of one another at a deep, deep level physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. It's your souls connected. You leave and you cleave.

And the implications of cleaving is our response to our spouse, my allegiance and my loyalty is to them and them first, not the kids, not the job, not our parents. It's recognition of my need for my spouse. I need you.

Sometimes we never just verbalize that. I need you. And some of us that try really hard in our marriage, the first five years or so, I try to be such a super husband, I'll never forget the time we were out of money, I'm in seminary, I've done everything I can.

I was selling insurance at the time and the guy failed his physical. I have got no money, I've got $10 in my checking account, I've got three kids, I'm working full time, I'm going to school full time and I'm sitting at the kitchen table and I'm working till about midnight every night, leaving at 4 o'clock to study Greek for two hours. So after about two and a half years of four hours of sleep, I don't care who you are, you look like an idiot, and my emotions were afraid and I'll never forget sitting at the kitchen table and I broke. And as a man, most of you understand, I mean I just, I bawled like a baby and I'm just crying, I'm thinking, oh my, oh my, my wife's going to think she married a weenie, my wife's going to think, you know, and I'm just, but I couldn't, I mean I couldn't hold it any longer. And you know, kind of like a day or two later when you go out for coffee and you talk and, so Teresa says, you know Chip, you know in the kitchen, I said yeah, and I felt kind of ashamed. She goes, in this first five years of our marriage, I have never felt closer to you than when you were crying at the kitchen table and I put my hand on your shoulder and I prayed for you. You know what she was saying? You've been trying to be such a superstar husband, it's nice to see you have need.

It's nice to know I bring something that you desperately need. And it can be the man or it can be the woman, but some of us that work so hard and try so hard, we never let the person know, I need you. See that's what it means to cleave. It means decisions are made, not I do my thing, you do your thing, let's balance our separate accounts. It's us in focus and it requires a death blow to the self. The only way you cleave is that's why God makes marriage first in relationship with him and then with one another. For me to cleave to you that I've got to give up some of that my way, my time, my opinions and I've got to ask what's best for us, what do we do?

You understand? This is the process and you know what, all the rest of your life progressively leaving, there's a point in time you do it, but progressively leaving, cleaving. And then notice there's the break, there's the bond and then now the blend, you shall become one flesh.

Notice the verb, it's a process. This is a response to life's pressures and demands. This is putting your relationship ahead of others and other things. As you get married, this becoming one flesh means your relationship matters more. Ladies, take this, lean back please, put your pencil right here, lean back, those that have kids. This means your marriage matters more than your kids.

And guys, you can sort of lean forward. This means your marriage matters more than your work and your hobbies and who's playing and who's winning and how your fantasy team is doing. And you got to become one flesh, it means you take time and prioritize what? Time for spiritual oneness to occur, time for soul oneness to occur and time for physical oneness to occur. And you, when you put down your schedule and you see how you're going to do life, you say the greatest thing for our kids is a great marriage, so we need to work on us first.

And the greatest thing for my job is the kind of guy that shows up with his tank full in line with God and in line with his wife. And you know, after that, enjoy the hobbies and have the fun. But under pressure, what we tend to do is instead of becoming one flesh, we learn to kind of manipulate and we come to sort of a legitimate standoff of I'm going to get this close, but the next steps will be so painful. Let's just sort of live together, say we love one another, have little times like this, but you know, let's not talk about the finances because that always brings problems. Heaven forbid, let's not talk about sex.

Let's just argue at Thanksgiving and at Christmas about whether we go to your parents' house or my parents' house. Let's, and so what we have is people that get in these rhythms that can last 10, 15 years where you coexist, it's pretty decent, but we're talking about God's dream for your marriage, not what can work for 10 or 15 or 20 years. Because by the way, you play that out, the frustration level keeps growing, doesn't it? Keeps growing, keeps growing, keeps growing. There's a reason why when those kids are out of the house, the affairs skyrocket.

You know, everyone's getting a blonde or red sports car and going to curbs, right? You know, the surgery over here and the younger woman over here and everyone trying to figure out how to turn back the clock 20 years because some of those unresolved issues. And I'm just telling you, by the way, the next round is usually more painful than the first. The third round is far more painful than the second. And this is, hear God's heart, I love you.

I care for you. There are seasons that are tough. They're painful.

You don't want to go through them. I want to help you, okay? So we've got the blueprint.

It's a triangle. God created marriage. The goal is oneness. The oneness occurs as we walk with God and learn to have intimacy with one another.

The process to develop that is three part. One, we obey God and how we do it is we leave, we cleave, and then we become one flesh. And then he says there's a reward. Notice verse 25.

25 says, and the man and his wife were both naked and they were unashamed. Spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and physically. I mean, I'm going to tell you, I long for and I've had tastes of it. And on this side of heaven, I'll only have tastes, but I want deeper and deeper and more tastes. I want to look into another human being's eyes who see my good, who see my bad, and even see my ugly.

And look into their eyes and see, I love you, I'm for you, I appreciate you, and I accept you just the way you are. And that's what I've experienced with Teresa. Have we had fights? Absolutely.

Disagreements? Unbelievable. Seasons where it's been up? Oh, this is great. I guess this is what it's like, you know, five months later.

Seasons where it's down? Man, how do you get through this? That's normal. But God's reward is intimacy or oneness. Those times where your heart wants to explode because who you are has been accepted and you know that it doesn't measure up. That person becomes an agent of grace and looks at the ugliness in your life and the selfishness in your life and the hurts in your life and expresses the love and the compassion of God. And it happens at the spiritual and the emotional and the physical level and we get tastes of it this side of heaven and that's God's reward in marriage. He wants you to experience that.

Just don't get thinking you're going to get that 24-7, 365 days a year. It's those kind of expectations that will thwart real intimacy because intimacy means what? Iron is going to sharpen iron. And as two people move closer and closer together, the conflict increases, not decreases. So what we tend to do is pull apart and just live like this because the conflict increases why? You're invading her space. She's invading your space.

When my wife starts invading my space, I don't like it. But the little clue is down deep in my heart, I'm desperately insecure because of the fall. And down deep in your heart, you're desperately insecure. And even to the woman that I've spent almost three decades with, there's a deep-seated fear that if she really saw all of who I really am, she'd reject me. And it is that fear that causes me to play games and put up barriers so she doesn't get too close.

But those protective walls also keep her love out. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll be back to continue our series Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage in just a minute. But let me quickly tell you, we are more than a broadcast ministry. We're passionate about supporting pastors globally, developing helpful resources, and sharing the gospel with this next generation. So if you'd like to partner with us in these areas, go to livingontheedge.org.

Well, here again is Chip. And so let's do a quick little intimacy test, and I want you to do it just saying to yourself, we're doing a little evaluation. We're going to look at some sensitive areas. I'm going to be perfectly honest.

By the way, you can put your hand over it so your mate doesn't see it because you may want to process this later. Okay? All right? And I'm going to give you three questions in each area. And let's see, it says here, a five means that you strongly agree, a one represents strong disagreement, and my personal rule is no threes. Okay?

Because I've done this before with Teresa. I gave a three, three. Three means I don't want to admit I think it's going really good, and I don't want to admit it's really going bad. Twos, fours, ones, and fives.

Start your engines. Evidence of spiritual intimacy, question one. My spouse and I often tend to agree in many of the important issues concerning values and beliefs. Whatever comes to your mind, just don't, you know, oh, let me think, do we really, just your initial reaction.

One, two, or a four and a five. We seem to practice honest confession followed by genuine forgiveness if one of us has hurt the other. Strongly do that, that's pretty much it or not. Third, as a couple, our spiritual closeness through prayer or sharing scripture insights is quite good. Strongly agree, disagree. Evidence of emotional intimacy. I remember special times when my spouse and I shared strong emotions like grief, sadness, joy, or brokenness. Next, we seem to be good at giving one another undivided attention when listening or talking. Does your mate give you undivided attention?

Do you agree with that or disagree? Next, verbalizing my needs and desires concerning our relationship to my spouse would be normal for me. I mean, you feel comfortable, it's just normal.

Hey, this is what I have needs, I have struggled in these areas. Is that normal or I'm fearful we don't do that. Evidence of physical intimacy. We seem to prioritize frequent times of quality talking and having dates together.

Strongly agree, strongly disagree. I'm comfortable communicating my sexual desires and preferences to my spouse. Is that like an open area that you can talk about or, you know, kind of uncomfortable. Third, I'm very satisfied with my spouse's sensitivity in meeting my sexual needs. And by the way, it's interesting with all the developments we've had about sexual freedom and openness and what's happened on TV and cable, I've done a number of these kind of conferences with my wife and I will tell you, if you're thinking, gosh, I don't really want to talk or bring this up, in Christian circles, this is one of the biggest issues and biggest needs I've ever seen. Usually my wife and I do a deal where she does about an hour and a half with the women and I do about an hour and a half with the men and we just kind of talk real straight.

And I know when she gets done with that session, I'm not going to see her till supper because she's going to have women lined up for about three or four hours to talk about, you know, part of it's baggage, part of it's struggle, part of it's uncomfortment, part of it's a warped view of sex. We had a couple come up to us and he was a kind of gray-haired gentleman. He looked at me in his 70s and we had done this and, you know, when you're walking in a room like this, he grabs me like this and goes, can I talk to you for a second? I said, yeah, and I'm sitting like here.

No, over here. I'm like, I don't know what we're going to talk about and he had this kind of big grin on his face and he said, you know, I'm a leader of my church and I've walked faithfully with the Lord for over 50 years. I've been married 42 or 44. I can't remember. And he said, you know those assignments you gave and talking and all the rest? He said, we come from a different era and we came because we wanted to bring some young couples and we thought, you know, 44 years, what are we going to learn? He said, we talked about things we've never talked about in 44 years about meeting one another's sexual needs because it was just kind of taboo and those little questions help us to get something and we realized that is as spiritual as the emotional, the mind, or the heart. And he said, I just got to tell you, it's really been a neat weekend. God has a blueprint.

It's the triangle from Genesis. He has a process, leave, cleave, become one flesh. He has a reward. It's going to take a journey and a lot of hard work and tons of grace, but he wants you to have oneness and intimacy in all three of these areas. And then finally, he has a purpose and I'll ask you just to fill these in.

They're very obvious, but I want you to know it's just more than about you. Purpose number one for marriages, for impact, is physical reproduction and pleasure. Genesis 1, 26, 28 says, be fruitful, multiply, and then, you know, if you're a little uncomfortable about sex, read Proverbs 5. I mean, this is a right out there.

He says to the man, you know, Solomon, all of his wisdom, don't let your fountains go out on the street. Let your wife's breasts satisfy you. God wants marriage to have sexual pleasure. So physical reproduction and pleasure. The second is relational intimacy. It's not good for a man to be alone. It's not good for a woman to be alone. God gives the gift of celibacy to some. For the rest, he has a partner.

And third, spiritual impact. I believe with all my heart, if we're going to revolutionize the world with the gospel of Jesus Christ, what we need to do is live out these kind of marriages in a way where people see the gospel and how we treat one another. I was living in Texas and there was a young, very beautiful gal who went through a very messy divorce, followed by a live-in boyfriend that didn't work out, followed by she hated men. And we never got to know her all that well, because, you know, wasn't home very often, but, you know, we're cutting the grass and the little kids and playing basketball in the driveway. And we're just sort of a, you know, little family. And, you know, as many know our background, Teresa came from a pretty rough childhood.

And, you know, I didn't grow up as a Christian, so we're kind of like two pagans, you know, reading the Bible, trying to learn to have this kind of marriage with all the normal ups and downs and kids and struggles. And I remember the moving van came and she was leaving after being, you know, next door for five, six, seven years. And we never really got to know her, invited over a couple times, but still was pretty surfacey.

And we had this window of just, it was really neat. And we said, well, gosh, we're sorry you're leaving and we wish we could have got to know you better. And she goes, well, you know, because we knew two of the men that she'd been involved with and how it all happened. And she goes, well, you kind of know my story, don't you? I said, yeah.

She goes, well, I don't think I ever want to get married ever again. I think men are rotten. I said, well, you know, I didn't know what to say, so I kind of changed the subject or something, you know. What do you say?

Yeah, they're rotten. I didn't know what to say. So I kind of, well, you know, I'm sorry and things like that. And then she said something that was really powerful. She said, but if I ever decided or ever wanted to get married, I'd like to have one like you and your wife have.

I said, what? I mean, it's not like we had these deep talks. She goes, when I see how you guys treat one another and I see you out in the yard with your kids, and, you know, as I hear what happens, because the house was real close.

I mean, you didn't need radar, you know. And I thought to myself, she goes, my only hope if I'm going to do any relationship again is that I guess people that really love God and are committed to it have the best chance of making it work. And I want you to know that your marriage is more than physical pleasure or having kids or even solving your loneliness problem, but when you start thinking about working on your marriage and wanting to experience God's dream, it may be the most powerful testimony you need to sign up for that so that your marriage life reflects the relationship of Jesus and his church. He could have decided on any number of metaphors to describe his relationship with the church, but what did he talk about?

The bride and the bridegroom. And other than the body of Christ living out the truth, I know of nothing more powerful in all the world that will say Jesus is in fact God, that he died for our sins, that he rose from the dead, and there's hope than when he redeems broken people like us and takes people whose marriages haven't worked here and have struggled here and brings them together and makes it new. He is a redeemer.

He is a lover of our souls, and no marriage is behind hope. You may be here thinking, you know, boy, you know, we're 15 feet in the hole. Well, God has a 16-foot rope to give you. Well, we're 1,000 feet in the hole. Well, he's got a 1,001-foot rope to lower down. That's what grace is.

We're center bounds, grace super bounds. No one's beyond hope. Will it take a lot of work? Will it take a real commitment?

Absolutely. But there's a lot at stake. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and the message you just heard, God's Dream for Your Marriage, is from our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Many philosophers and writers have likened marriage to a journey or an adventure.

So if that's true, how do we know where to go next or what to do? Well, through this series, Chip will share God's roadmap to a flourishing relationship between a husband and wife, learn how to better communicate, build deeper intimacy, and navigate conflict when it comes. Whether you've been together for 40 years, engaged, or terrified of the possibility of getting married, you're going to learn a lot from Chip's teaching. Well, before we go any further, here's Chip to share a quick word.

Thanks so much, Dave. I want to take just a few minutes to talk about something really important, and I hope especially for those of you that are regular listeners, you'll agree. God has been using the ministry of Living on the Edge in incredible ways. We've been growing and reaching folks like never before, and you're an important part of that. Your gifts to Living on the Edge make it possible for us to be present in places that without you, we simply couldn't be. Many of these places are extremely dangerous to proclaim the name of Christ, and your gifts make it possible for us to reach people in desperate situations, you know, right here in the United States. I can't tell you how many e-mails and letters I receive that somewhere in that letter or e-mail, it's like I was on my way to the abortion clinic or I was planning to end my life or I was about to give up on my marriage or I was giving up on God because of something terrible that happened to me, but then I started listening to you on my drive to work or my neighbor gave me this book or I found your app and, you know, this series on overcoming emotions or whatever.

It was God's catalyst to begin a total transformation in my life. These things aren't happening because of Chip Ingram or even Living on the Edge. They're happening because God is working in and through those who by faith respond and obey him. You know, we can't do anything alone.

That's because it's not God's plan for any of us. We are in this together, and Living on the Edge as God's ministry is about you and me doing exactly what God calls us to do. And so I would ask you, first, would you really pray for the ministry? And second, would you pray specifically about partnering at a deeper level and partnering with us financially? Do whatever God leads you to do, and let me say in advance, let's keep pressing ahead, and thank you very much.

Thanks, Chip. If partnering with Living on the Edge is an idea that makes sense to you, we'd love to have you join us. Helping Christians live like Christians will change the world we live in. To give a gift, go to livingontheedge.org.

That's livingontheedge.org. App listeners, tap Donate. Thanks for helping others benefit from the work of this ministry.

Well, with that, here's Chip to share some application. As we close today's program, I want to beg you, I want to appeal to you in the name of the Lord that your marriage is worth saving. If you're listening to my voice and you heard what I talked about and just that hardness in your heart because you've been wounded and you've been hurt and, you know, it just doesn't seem possible, I want to ask you not to give up, to ask God for help. You are not alone. Your marriage can be restored.

It's a journey, and where you are right now, you didn't get there overnight, and God, over time, will bring about change if you'll let him, but it has to start somewhere. I can remember a story of someone telling me they'd already filed for divorce. A wife ordered the audio set of this series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, and she left it in the back of her car, and they were fighting over who was going to get that car, and so he has the car for a couple weeks, and they're laying in the back seat. She never even had a chance to listen to him. He looked back one day, stuck him in the CD player, started listening, and a week and a half later, called his wife and said, Have you listened to these? And she said, No. He said, I think we should before we go through with this.

We listened to it together, and today, that couple is still together. Your marriage has hope when you do it God's way. Most of us have not done it God's way.

Oh, Lord, I pray right now to that person listening to my voice that's ready to cash it in, I pray that the Spirit of God would halt them in their heart, and they would say, Oh, God, I am willing to do whatever you want me to do, but please help me. And Lord, I pray now that you would save marriages all around the country, in Jesus' name. Amen. Thanks, Chip. Well, if you'd like to get plugged in with any of the resources for this series, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org. Also, while you're there, you can download Chip's message notes, check out our small group studies, or listen to any part of this series. We want to help you grow in your walk with Jesus, so visit LivingOnTheEdge.org today. Well, for Chip and the entire team here, this is Dave Druey thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. .