Intentional Parenting - Memories, Presence, Models, and Peace, Part 2

Do you need hope as a parent? Are you discouraged? Do you feel like things are going bad and they're going to get worse? Do you need someone to step in and help you be the kind of parent that you want to be, to deal with those hard issues, to turn things around? Doug Fields is going to teach us today how to recapture your child's heart when they're moving away from you or how to keep their heart where it needs to be.

That's today. Stay with me. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Living on the Edge is an international teaching and discipleship ministry motivating Christians to live like Christians. We're grateful you've joined us as we pick up where we left off in our series, Intentional Parenting, taught by our guest teacher, Doug Fields. And if you've been motivated by the practices he's talked about, stick around after this message as Chip highlights a great tool we've developed to help you remember and apply these ideas. As we get started, Doug's going to continue talking about what it means to be close and accessible to our kids.

Let's dive in. Presence is not about you just being around your kids because a lot of people say, well, you know, Doug, I work at home. Well, that's great. But the key question is that your body or your heart that's around, that's the major question. I mean, here it is.

Do your kids really believe that you are available? Because the issue is not presence. Here it is.

And I put it in your notes. It is perceived presence. There's a Harvard study that confirmed the, and it's so fascinating to me, the number one most common factor producing anger, hostility and rage in kids is this. The perceived, keyword perceived, the perceived inaccessibility of one or both parents. I mean, that's a head snapper because you think, wait, you think like anger, rage and hostility would be something contributed, something more horrible, some type of abuse or poor discipline or not allowing your teenager to have a credit card or, you know, something like that.

But thousands of studies, here's what it is. Perceived inaccessibility. So then I've got to hold the mirror up as a dad and go, OK, what is, what is something that I'm doing for myself that is taking time away from my family? Now, that may be with my personal life. It actually may be with my career.

For some of us in here, we need to make some mid course corrections, even with our careers. Because parenting is synonymous with sacrifice. When you're a parent, it's about sacrifice, you sacrifice your comfort. And I've told you before that as my kids were growing up and I was coaching them in sports and my kids all had their friends over at our house or whatever, I would go, I don't ever see your dad. How come your dad doesn't come to your games? Oh, my dad doesn't. He doesn't like basketball.

You know, that's why I want to be a UFC fighter and punch somebody in the neck right here. I just want to find that dad and go, Dad, you don't go to your kids seventh grade basketball game for quality athleticism. OK, have you been to a seventh grade girls basketball game? It's awful. You know, it's the sport that will be played in hell.

It's like it's halftime scores two to one. And you're like, oh, my. You don't go.

It's not watching the Super Bowl. You're there for your kid. And parents, I realize some of you are already feeling guilty. And I know as parents, we can't make everything.

I know you can't make everything. That's why this point is consistent presence and not constant presence. So missing is the exception rather than the rule, because your very presence is a sign of caring and connectedness. Just showing up, being there, watching, observing.

I realize we live in a sports psycho world. And for you parents, let me just give you an aside. Again, my kids are all out of the house.

I wish I had, you know, it took me too long to learn this. When you go to your kids games, just watch. You don't have to. Don't coach from the stands. Don't go whisper in their ear during the game. Don't lecture them on the way home. If you if you want to coach them, wait 48 hours before you say anything to them.

See what they need from you, mom and dad, is not for you to be a coach, but for you to be a cheerleader. That's what they need the most. So when it comes to presence, parents, we've got to be present. And this one's going to bother some of you. And that's why I put it in your notes, because I want you to think about it, is we've got to defeat the electronic dependency. This right here, mom and dad, this is not being present.

Oh, yeah. Hey, okay, this this little device, let me just give you a tip. I would encourage you stop using this in your car when your kid's in the car, okay?

When your kids are in the car, just make it a rule. Nobody talks on the phone. I don't talk on the phone, okay? Now, some of you are like, Doug, I'd rather tithe more, you know? No, I don't.

I don't think so. You've got your kid trapped in the car. This is when you talk. This is when you sing. This is when you laugh. This is when you make jokes. This is when they're a teenager. You communicate in one word sentences.

I mean, this is when you've got them. Get off the phone and engage with them. See, our technological leashes, they maintain our availability to everybody else, but they're hurting primary relationships. See, when you're able to connect to everyone all the time, you're not connected to those who are most important, and I think this is such a big deal in our culture that very few people are talking about. Just in the last few months, I wrote this workbook called Should I Just Smash My Kid's Phone, and it's a workbook for parents to go through before you do anything with your kid's phone for you to get a habit on your own understanding of electronics and what it's doing in your life, first, and then if you don't have some boundaries before you give your kids a phone, you're crazy. You're crazy.

Just learn from people who have been before you. Now, please understand me. I have a phone. I have Facebook. I have Twitter. I'm not anti-electronics.

I'm not asking you to go buy a buggy and grow a beard and become Amish, ladies. I'm not asking you to run from appliances, but there are times when you've got to be totally available to your family to unplug from those devices, because presence, here's what, bottom line, presence communicates this. You're really important to me. You're valuable. I care deeply about you, and you've got my presence. Grandparents, that's why in today's culture of moms and dads both working, you are so important, because grandparents, you're present. You're so good at being present, and they need you to be present. You're not on your phone texting, mostly because you don't know how, but you're not skipping pages when you're reading books to kids. I mean, you are present. As a kid, I loved being with my grandparents, you know, on a sunny day, indoors, hearing about their different medicines and chronic health problems.

I mean, it was beautiful, beautiful. All right, the ninth thing all kids need from caring adults is role models, okay? Healthy kids have significant adults that have poured into their life. Two types, you, the parent as a role model, and second would be others as a role model. Parents, you are a role model. Parents, you are a role model, okay? You are a role model, the primary role model to your kids.

The only time that changes is when you abandon your role, then culture moves in, and culture provides role models, but all research points to the fact that parents are primary role models. My middle child's 22, and when he was a little boy, he had a phrase, watch me, dad, dad, watch me, okay? We'd be at church or something, I'd be talking to somebody afterwards, and he'd get on stage, he'd be like, dad, dad, like, dad, watch, watch me, dad, watch, dad, dad, dad, watch, you know, and he would do, he just trying to get my attention, watch, watch, and now that he's 22, he doesn't do it as much, but here's what I've learned. Somewhere in his growing years, he moved from, watch me, to, I'm watching you, I'm watching you, dad, didn't ever tell me, all my kids didn't tell me, but as a parent, you're under surveillance 24-7.

I'm watching how you treat mom, dad, I'm watching what you do with your finances, I'm watching how you interact with strangers, I'm watching if you really live out what you talk about on stage, I'm watching how you deal with conflict, I'm watching what you do with alcohol, I'm watching, I'm watching you, I'm watching what you do in moral situations. Parents, my point is this, you have, there's identity theft happening in your home, your kids are stealing your identity, so the question becomes, what does that identity look like? A couple biggies for parents that I encourage you, first is, I think parents, we got to be very careful that we model integrity, and to model integrity, you have to be a person of integrity. You know, all school studies point to the fact that cheating is on the rise. Is cheating on the rise because education is getting more difficult?

I don't think so. I think it's on the rise because our kids have seen hundreds of little fibs along the way, along the way, and they've just learned that you can negotiate life that way. They've heard mom and dad on the phone exaggerating or lying about things that they know haven't taken place. They've been that child up at the movie counter or at the amusement park, and don't tell them your age, don't tell them your age, we'll get in cheaper this way, and you know, you don't act like an adult, so I sure ain't paying adult prices, you know, that type of thing.

Or when you go to the donut store and you eat a donut on the way home, don't tell, just tell mom they gave us 11, okay? Purely fictitious illustration on that one, but kids possess the character of their parents. Integrity is a big deal, not only in our culture, it's again, it's a big deal to God. 1 Chronicles 29, I love this verse. It says, I know my God that you test the heart and you're pleased with integrity.

I love that verse. God knows your heart and you're pleased with integrity. Now parents, all of us, we're going to blow it with integrity, and here's my little tip to you. When you blow it, apologize. Just apologize to your kid. Well, why would I apologize?

Because apologizing is an act of integrity. Your kids, they know you're not perfect, you were wrong. You know, sweetheart, I'm sorry that I, it was stupid of me.

I was just trying to save money and I made a mistake. I should not have done that, and actually, I'm going to go back and pay the right price for your ticket that was done. Hey buddy, I need to ask for your forgiveness. Ask for your forgiveness. Last night I made a decision to not go to your game, to work instead, and I made the wrong decision. I blew it, and I'm sorry, and I'd like to ask for your forgiveness.

Hey pal, I'm sorry that I told you to tell mom that there was only 11 donuts, and I feel really bad that I told her that you ate one of them. So they know you're not perfect, and so just admit it, model it, and I have had to apologize to my kids more than I want to admit. So when it comes to role models, you model integrity. Second thing, parents, I want to encourage you to do is model your faith in Jesus. Model your faith in Jesus. Now I realize not everyone here has a faith in Jesus, and I'm thrilled that you're here if you don't.

This is a safe place for you to come and investigate who Jesus is and the ways of Jesus and what does he teach and what's all this about, but for those of us who do have a faith in Jesus, your kids need to see that faith in action. The Bible is very clear that one of our roles as parents is to what I call pass on the baton of faith to our kids. Pass on the baton of faith. Look at this verse in Deuteronomy 6.

It says, love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your heart. Impress them on your children.

Talk about them when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up. You're passing it on all the time, morning, noon, and night. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. So what am I to pass on?

Well, look what it says in the last verse. Foreheads. What do you mean foreheads? Foreheads is a symbol of knowledge. So I'm gonna pass on the knowledge of the ways of Jesus. What about your hands? Hands is a symbol for action, faith. They need to see your faith in action.

And let me be really clear. Your kids don't need to see perfect parents. There is no perfect parents.

Perfect parents, all perfect parents do, is create, produce intimidation and create insecurity. What my kids need to see is a dad who's aligning his life, doing the best he can to align his life with the teachings of Jesus. To see a mom who loves Jesus and has a desire to follow Jesus.

That's what they need to see. Not me to wear a label Christian. Well, I don't even know what a Christian is anymore. But for them to see a follower of Jesus who has placed his life or her life behind Jesus and walks with him.

That's what I mean by modeling faith in Jesus. Now there's another type of role model and that is others as a role model. And all research points to the fact that healthy kids, and this is what's interesting, healthy kids regardless of where they grew up, Cambodian refugee camps, the housing project slums in New York City or to the middle wealthy class in Orange County. They all healthy, all those kids have role models.

Those that are healthy from those environments. Role models in addition to parents who are plugging away and loving on their kids. And that's why I love the church body.

That's why this is so beautiful. There's just this army of people who are investing in one another's lives. Lives impact other lives.

The church is a family and families care for one another. And this is a place where people are trying to invest in your kids. I encourage you to take advantage of that. Some of you that don't have kids, you don't have kids yet or your grandparents, your kids are out. What if you thought, hey, I can invest in other people and get involved here in the children's ministry or the youth ministry, get mentored. We need to come alongside one another. There are single parents here who are so struggling. There are people, they're just dying for somebody to come invest in their kids and be a mentor, big brother, big sister.

Let's do this as a community. So what do all kids need? They need role models. Finally, what all kids need in caring adults is they need a peaceful home. Not a perfect home, but a peaceful home. And if your house is anything like mine, it might be chaotic. When my kids were in the teen years, we made our house a place where everybody could hang. I mean, there'd be times that Kathy and I would come home to be met by complete strangers who were telling us we were out of ding dongs.

Okay. I can remember one time coming home and this kid is looking at a spill on our carpet. His name is Jason. He's like doing this. And I walk up to him and I said, Jason, what do you do? Oh, Mr. Fields, Mr. Fields, put your head this way. Because if you look at the stain like this, it looks like the face of Jesus.

I said, Jason, I'm going to help you see Jesus a lot sooner if you don't clean up that stain. Okay. So we have a busy kid-oriented house, but one of the things that Kathy and I always strive for, having just studied kids, is that we wanted a peaceful home. In the long run, where your kids describe your house is a place of peace. Why peace? Because kids are in combat all day long. They're filled with painful battles, battles with bullies, battles with pressure, battles with conformity, battles with body image.

And here's the deal. If a kid knows that he can come home to a house that is safe, where he slides through the door and it's almost like he just, I'm home. When they know that our home is a peaceful place, it helps them withstand some of the pressures and the stress and the comparisons and the put-downs and the temptations.

And really, some of the things that I've been talking about in this video, I'm going to talk about in the series, I'm defining what a peaceful home is. Where there's discipline, but not a lot of yelling. Where there's boundaries, but not a lot of rules.

That's peaceful. Where parents are welcoming to friends, encouraging words, affections. Where the marriage at home is healthy, that provides a sense of peace for kids. A freedom of comparison from their siblings.

A place where kids can be themselves and they don't have to pretend. That's all a peaceful home. So how do we, as parents, how do we turn up the volume of peace?

Here's the only way I know how. How do you turn up the volume of peace in your house? Is you've got to experience peace for yourself first. You've got to experience God's peace.

And let me go direct to you as we kind of close out this series. Some of you are parenting to please other people. Some of you are parenting to look good.

And your kids' performance makes you feel better about yourself. Mom or dad, that's not a parent of peace. That's a parent of insecurity.

And when you parent out of insecurity, you create an insecure and actually shame-filled home. If you want a peace-filled home, you've got to become a peace-filled person. And the biblical word for peace is absence of war. That's what peace means.

Absence of war. It means that you're not at war with God. You're not at war with others. And you're not at war within yourself. And war may seem a little radical to you, like war with God.

But the Bible teaches that I am, as a sinful person, I am at war. I'm separated from a perfect and holy God. Because there's a perfect and holy God, I can't have a relationship with Him. And that's why Jesus came and died a brutal death on the cross, because He was perfect.

He took on what I can't pay. He took on my sins, so now I could have a relationship with God. Now I could be at peace with God.

That's the good news. God in His love reconciled us together. Take a look at this. God in His love reconciled us together.

Take a look. Colossians 1 20. And through Him, Jesus, God reconciled.

In your notes, circle that word. It's brought together. God brought everything together to Himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross. And now I don't have to be at war. Not only do I not have to be at war, I get the gift of His presence. Take a look at the next verse.

Romans 8 6. By letting the Holy Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. So now, you and I, with the presence of the Holy Spirit in our life, we can be the initiator of peace in our home. And if you've never settled that relationship with Jesus, I encourage you to lean into Jesus.

Investigate and follow Him. Look what He teaches and invite His love into your heart. See, your child needs a peaceful home. That peaceful home starts in your heart. And our theme verse in this whole series has been Ephesians 5 1. It says, follow God's example, therefore, say it with me, as dearly loved children.

And my point has been this. When your identity is a dearly loved child, when you go, okay, that's who I am, you don't, that's how you parent. When you know you're dearly loved by God, then you can dearly love others. When you're deeply loved by God and you know that, and that becomes your identity, you can deeply love others.

This week, I was in our our rooted group, and we were talking, people were going around talking about how they view God, and how they view God, and one of the guys in my group said this, I've never felt valued by my parents, and therefore, I have a hard time thinking God values me as a dearly loved child. And it made me think of the story that Jesus tells of the the prodigal son, where, basically, the son takes the inheritance, flips off his dad, and goes and makes these destructive choices, blows all the money, winds up basically in the ditch, and then he thinks to himself, I could go back home and be a servant to my dad, because even the servants eat better than I'm eating. Now, as Jesus is telling this story, Jesus is saying, the father is God, and you and I are the son. Let's close with this verse.

In Luke 15, it says, so he, I want you to put your name there. So Doug, so Kathy, so Kyle, so Caroline, returned home to his father, and while he was still a long way off, his father, this is God, saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, kissed him. We had to celebrate this happy day, for your brother was dead and has come back to life.

He was lost, but now he's found. Can I tell you that God gets excited about you? You are his dearly loved child, that he runs to you, that he's a relentless pursuer of you, because he wants to invade you and transform you. You want to be a better parent?

I know you do, but quit running from his love. Let his love fill you deeply, so you can deeply love others. Before we go any farther, I just want to pause, and I want you to think about not just being a parent, but God as your parent.

When you think about God, what's he really like, and are you sure that he is your Heavenly Father? See, the fact of the matter is you can't give away, and I can't give away, what you don't have. I want you to know that as Doug was teaching, part of what the Spirit of God wants you to know, if you don't know Christ personally, is that to be a great parent, it starts with being a loved child. If you don't know for sure that if you would die at this moment, you would go directly to heaven, and if you don't know for sure that the Spirit of God dwells in you, that you are forgiven, that you're loved, and that you have a relationship with the living God, could I encourage you wherever you are, whatever you're doing, stop and turn your heart upward, and just confess to God, God, I need you.

I desperately need you. I'm not a perfect person. I'm not a perfect parent.

I've done things wrong. The Bible calls that sin, and that sin separates you from God. But God says that he loves you, so he sent Jesus, God the Son, to die in your place on the cross to cover or pay for your sin, and it's a gift.

But every gift has to be received, and the Bible says as many as received him Jesus, to them he gave the right or the privilege or the authority to become children of God, even to those who believe in his name. And I want to challenge you in this moment to believe in his name, to receive Christ. Jesus said, I'm standing at the door of your heart and I'm knocking.

If you'll open the door, I'll come into your life. I'll live with you. I'll forgive you. I'll save you, is the biblical word, and he'll do life with you. And so right now, I just want to encourage you. Say, Lord Jesus, forgive me.

I fall short. I desperately need you. I'm turning from my old life, my control, and I'm asking you now to come into my life and forgive me, and make me your son, make me your daughter. That act of trust, that word that you've shared to God, and maybe just in your heart or in your car or out last or out loud, even on the side of a road, God hears. And now I want to encourage you.

This is so important. I want you to call or text the greatest Christian you know and say, I just prayed to receive Christ. I don't know what all that means, but I know I need help to learn to grow. I'm spiritually born.

I'm a brand new baby. And I want you to know God wants to help you. You can go online at livingontheedge.org, and we have a very clear place where you can click, and we'll get some material to you that's absolutely free to help you on your new journey. And I'm just so thrilled to invite you into the family of God. Well, if you prayed with Chip, we do have a free resource we'd like to put in your hands that was uniquely created for new believers. It's a tool that'll help you gain a clear biblical understanding of what it means to trust in Jesus. Request this free resource by calling us at 888-333-6003 or by visiting livingontheedge.org, then clicking the New Believers button.

That's livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003. Let us help you get started in your faith journey. Well, Chip's still with me in studio, and Chip, you know, over the years this ministry has made supporting families and marriages a priority. So take a minute, if you would, and talk about the tool we've developed with Doug called Intentional Parenting Cards and how they'll deeply encourage moms and dads listening. Well, Dave, I gotta tell you, I am super excited about these cards because I just know as a parent, you know, I did a lot of research, and I tried to work really hard to be intentional, but I always didn't know, like, intentional about what. And what these cards do is they provide a simple way to stay on track as a parent. In other words, it talks about, how do you develop strong belief or be a role model or make sure that encouraging words are a part of your family life or genuine affection.

There's just like four or five cards and you review a section of them, you know, just every day for like a week or so. And then pretty soon you find yourself, hey, I'm building into my kids their belief or delicate discipline or active responsibility or, I love one, serious fun. And what they are, they're 10 different areas, and they have very pithy, clear, specific ways to be an intentional parent where over time, as you just review these, instead of trying hard one day or taking some course, you are renewing your mind and focusing your life each and every week around one area that, here's what I'll tell you, when you are genuinely affectionate, when you provide encouraging words, when you discipline delicately, when you build strong beliefs, what happens is over time, you're an intentional parent with children who respond in very positive ways. These intentional parenting cards are a tool that allows us in a fast-paced world to do as parents what we want to do and build into the lives of our kids the way we want to do it. I can't encourage you enough to get a set of these cards and put them into practice.

Thanks, Chip. Well, to order our intentional parenting cards, go to livingontheedge.org. And right now, when you buy this resource, we'll also give you a set of our Discuss This cards absolutely free. These tools will help you better engage your kids and build meaningful relationships with them. So to get your hands on our intentional parenting and Discuss This cards, visit livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003. App listeners, tap Special Offers. As we wrap up this program, just a quick but important thought, Living on the Edge depends on listeners like you to help us continue encouraging Christians to live like Christians. So would you consider partnering with us every month so others can benefit from the ministry of Living on the Edge? You can set up a recurring donation at livingontheedge.org or through the Chip Ingram app, or text donate to 74141. It's so easy.

Text the word donate to 74141. And thanks for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, join us next time as Chip and our guest teacher, Doug Fields, wrap up this series with an insightful conversation. They'll unpack some practical tips for how to be intentional parents in this quick fix world. Until then, I'm Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.