God's Boundaries for Abundant Living - No Second-Rate Sex, Part 1

Never in the history of our country have we had sex as the core of people's identity and never have people struggled more in their relationships. Today, I want to help you get God's best. Stay with me. Today, we're going to talk about the 10 boundaries, God's boundaries for abundant living, highlighting the 10 life-giving and life-saving instructions God's given to us in Exodus chapter 20. But before we get going, if this is your first time listening to Living on the Edge, or you want to learn more about what we do, go to livingontheedge.org.

You'll find resources on a variety of topics and countless programs to enjoy. Or if you prefer, the Chip Ingram map is also a great way to get plugged in with our ministry. Okay, here now is Chip with today's talk, No Second Rate Sex. Hi, my name is Chip Ingram. I'm the guy next to the punch bowl where the food is, is that if I don't know anybody, I gain about five pounds. And so eventually, I saw a kind of distinguished looking guy with a little goatee, and he was sitting over by this couch, and I thought, you know, I might as well get to know some people.

God has me here for a reason. I sit down and we get talking, and I think he assumes he doesn't know me, I don't know him, and about three minutes into the conversation, he looks at me like we're old buddies and says, you know, life used to be great, didn't it? And I thought, well, I could go with that one.

Yeah, life used to be great. He said, yeah, man, I mean, you could have a good time, and he said, you know, it was free sex, and you could just go have fun, party, party, party, but I said, man, he said, now you've got to be careful. And he said, so what do you think? And I said, life used to really be great, to tell you the truth, but I think us believing that sex was really free and didn't have huge complications, it's really a reminder that it was never free, and there's a huge price tag, and I think we've taught totally and thought really randomly wrong about sexuality in general.

Oh, really? And, you know, this guy had advanced degrees, and pretty soon he starts asking some penetrating questions, and if you've ever been to one of those dinner parties when two people kind of get engaged in a healthy way, it's like everyone stops and starts listening to us. Now, because of what I do, I'm sure you all think that, you know, I just handled everything really well, and thank God I've, you know, studied the passages and represented Christ well, and I will tell you, I gave it my best shot, but I want you to hear something.

The entire atmosphere of that room, this is how I felt. Even though I gave what I thought were reasoned positions, biblical positions, many with a lot of sociological, psychological evidence, you know, I tried to do it on their turf without quoting a lot of verses, but by the time I got done, I was made to feel like I was anti-intellectual. I was made to feel like they were smart and in and cool and with it, and that, you know what, we found out the guy's a pastor, and so he's kind of Victorian, kind of prudish, he's pretty well out of date, he doesn't really get it.

He's not into the 21st century. You know, I almost had that feeling like, you know, when a small boy comes by and says something and someone just sort of pats him on the head and says, that's nice, young man, it's really good to hear that, but us sophisticated, together adults know better. And that's the view of sex in the world. And I had a lot of time to think about it.

And since then, I've done a ton of research. And I want to give you some facts about sex as we enter into the seventh command that I've entitled No Second Rate Sex. And before I do, I just want to ask you, where would you have stood in that conversation? What would you have said? How well could you have articulated what you believe about sexuality in a very foreign, hostile environment where the moment you opened your mouth about fidelity and no sex before marriage and staying with one partner, where would you have stood? And better, what would you have said? And when you get done, I hope that you'll be equipped to do that better.

And I pray that God will really encourage you that far from being anti-intellectual or Victorian or prudish or puritanical, that you are among the smartest, wisest, most intellectually astute people for obeying the seventh command of any people in the world. First, I'd like to say is that sex is far from free. It's costing us plenty.

Sexually transmitted diseases, we are paying, I mean, financially alone, hundreds of millions of dollars every year because of the violation of the seventh command. The psychological price tag is even higher, and we did a series called Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. And then we had a film crew after we taught it, and no one knew we were filming it because we wanted it to be very live. And when you talk about love, sex, and lasting relationships with about 4,000 single people, baby, I'm telling you, there's energy in the room, you know.

And then afterwards, we had this place where people, we could ask, you know, we'd like to hear what you think, and we videotaped, I think, somewhere around 50 to 80 interviews. And you know what, in our day and age, people are very candid. And I've never heard stories of such pain and such hurt of people who said, man, I just thought I was doing what everybody else was doing, and I had no idea that the pain psychologically. And it was on both ends. It was the people that had been used and abused and were just a one-night stand for someone, the stories of girls who someone said, I love you, I love you, I love you, and they learned they weren't loved at all. And the story's a member of one man, actually, who shared, he said, you know something, this was in a corresponding situation. I had a guy that I played basketball with in college, and he came home one night devastated, I mean depressed. And I asked him, what's going on, he was a big 6'6", 6'8 guy, and we'd hang around together, and I mean two or three days, I couldn't get it out of him, and finally I said, what is going on? And he was dating a little freshman. And he said, two nights ago, I caused a young girl to lose her virginity. And I told her that I loved her.

And I don't. And I didn't mean it, but it works, and I got what I wanted, and every day I get up and shave and I feel such shame and such guilt, and I just, I see what it's done to her, and by the way, it initiated within 24 hours the end of their relationship. See, there's a financial cost to quote free sex, there's a psychological cost, and I don't think there's anyone here, probably in this room, that hasn't experienced the spiritual cost. When you have lusted, when you've been involved in things sexually of whatever nature that violates God's command, it's hard to pray, isn't it?

And I've had times where I just can't get those prayers quite even up to the ceiling, I can't get them to bounce off the ceiling, when I've entertained things in my mind, or had times in my life when I violated what I know what God wants. And there are Christians, I'll tell you what, you will never find someone who is fruitful, deeply fruitful for Christ, and experiencing the kind of peace and the kind of love and the kind of joy that hasn't dealt with successfully overall getting victory in the area of sexual purity. And you will, if you could really peel back the layer of hundreds and hundreds of thousands of Christians all over America, there's people living these double lives, who go to church, who go through the motions, but have secret fantasies, who have secret internet issues, who have secret romance fantasies about what it would be like some day, some way with another man.

And they live this dichotomy, and they put on this face that everything's okay, and they go to Bible study, and they go to church, and they play a game, and their hearts torn in two. The spiritual price tag of the lack of intimacy with God, because of sexual sin, is more than any of us should ever pay. See, sex isn't free.

It cost us financially, it cost us psychologically, it cost us spiritually, and it cost us medically. I taught in a place that was very open, very free, very loose, and I could tell you where I was standing next to the door after the service, because at this church, no one got in a line and said, oh pastor, wonderful sermon. I never got to the back door, ever. When I got done and I got down to about here, there was a line of people, and they would say, hey, what about point two, how's that going to work? Or, you know what, I never opened the Bible until now, and I'm living with this girl, and so what are we supposed to do after what you said?

I mean, she's got an income, I've got an income, how's this really going to work? And they would just line up for 45 minutes until the next service, and you'd do counseling. And I'll never forget the first time that I was over on the corner door, and a young woman came up after this particular message about sexuality, and said, you know what, I violated that command. And I'd like to find out how I could be forgiven, because I know I'm going to need it now and later, because I just learned I'm HIV positive, and I know exactly how I got it, and I don't use drugs. And when you look into the eyes of someone who is HIV positive, I'll tell you what, it will give you some convictions about standing up at dinner parties, and lovingly, winsomely, graciously talking about, this is what God says, unashamedly. And you can think I'm old-fashioned, but what I'll say is the anti-intellectual in the room isn't me. It's you in denial about the real facts. So fact number one is that free sex is costing us plenty, and fact number two is sex outside of marriage under any circumstances is, you got that pen I asked you to bring?

It's a good group, you're learning, it's good. Write the word sin. Sex outside of marriage under any circumstances is sin. I'm amazed at the number of Christians I meet who will tell me things like, I mean, the Bible doesn't really say that sex outside of marriage is really sin, does it?

I mean, it might allude to it, but it doesn't really say that, so let's put this on record, 1 Thessalonians 4, 3-8 says it is God's will, that's pretty clear. It's God's will that you should be sanctified or set apart, that you should avoid sexual immorality. And then in case you don't know what that phrase means, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God. And in this matter, let no one wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The idea is when you have sex with someone who's going to end up someone else's mate, you defrauded him.

You took advantage of him. You spoiled for that man or for that woman a very special moment and relationship that God wanted for them. The Lord will punish men for all such sins as we've already been told and warned you.

Why? For God did not call us to be impure but to live a holy life, therefore, just in case you know you're missing the point here, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man, but God who gives the Holy Spirit. The Bible is very clear. There are some great issues in Scripture.

This is an issue that is black and white. It is clear that any type of sexuality except between a man and a woman inside the boundary of marriage is called sin. It's called missing the mark. It's called not doing God's will.

It's called asking for psychological, physical, spiritual, and medical pain in your life. God put this boundary around sex not because he's a prude, not because he's Victorian, not because God's a little bit embarrassed when sexual things happen. I'm going to go on record and say not only is God not Victorian or a prude, but God actually, fact number three, is pro sex. By the way, the church needs to hear this as much as the world needs to hear that he's put a boundary around it. Fact number three, God is pro sex.

Are you ready? He invented it. Did you ever think about this? God is all knowing. He could have figured out a lot of ways for us to multiply. When you look at nature, there's some ways where there's just two cells and the cells just divide on their own.

I guess we could have been walking around one day and all of a sudden you look and there's two of you or something like that. But God decided that there was a better way. God is pro sex. He determined that the best way, not only for procreation, but for intimacy and for pleasure. And because it brings the light to his heart, he would invent a way for a man and a woman to come together inside this boundary of marriage where he would bless them. He invented it.

And then he actually speaks about it. Notice the scripture says, far from it being something dirty, you know, necessary. You know, I guess if you can ever have kids, you got to go through this terrible act. That has been actually what the church has taught in some ways. In fact, some great church fathers have really missed the mark on this one. Martin Luther, although he had a number of kids, actually taught that sex was just for procreation.

If you weren't having sex to, you know, have more kids, then it's wrong. I mean, it's just perverted. God says, by contrast, Hebrews 13.4, the marriage bed is holy.

It's to be undefiled. It's to be enjoyed without shame and without any holding back. Inside of marriage, God says sex is about love. It's not about lust.

It's about not being self-centered. It's about expressing communication and commitment with the person that you love the most. God says, I want to give you a good thing.

I want you to experience with this one person this bond, this commitment to express your emotions, your mind, your heart in a way that's too intimate for words. And by the way, I think there's some Christians that actually think that when a man and a woman are having sexual union, that God might look down and just cover one eye and say, Oh, Gabriel, I just can't look. As though there's something unholy or uncomfortable. I want you to know the God of the Bible, under the right circumstances, a man and woman, married, loving one another, celebrates that and says, this is an act of praise. There's not a lot of places in Scripture I have where God says, this is holy.

Keep it undefiled. This is special. In fact, you do the psychological research and you'll find that sexuality and spirituality are very closely linked. Very closely linked. And when you read in Old Testament passages when God wants to make parallels about unity and intimacy in the Old Testament, he talks about spiritual adultery. And when he wants to come up with a metaphor to try and somehow explain this mystery of our union with Christ, what's he come up with? Ephesians chapter 5, it's marriage in all of its fullness. Sex is sacred. Not only that, it's encouraged.

I'm not going to read the passage, but if you want your husbands to get in a little Bible study, tell them Proverbs 5, 15 to 20 would be a good text. It's very graphic. It's R-rated. This is a passage literally that just comes out and says, gentlemen, take all your sexual drive and energy and keep it at home. Gentlemen, let your wife's breasts satisfy you.

Gentlemen, be intoxicated with her love. Now does this sound like a God who's a prude? Does this sound like a God that's something that's necessary you kind of have to just get it over with? Are we in the church, I'll tell you something, for as much explicit sexuality there is in our culture, among church people and the counseling I've done, this is a huge area in the Christian community. For couples that really love each other, really love God, and really are clicking on all cylinders in a number of areas, you would be astounded or you wouldn't be.

Maybe you're nodding inside and going, no, I wouldn't be astounded at all of the number of couples that can't speak openly and honestly about what this means in their relationship, where they struggle in this relationship, where they've had baggage in the past from this relationship, where there's been failures that have influenced this, and how they can come together in a way that is honoring to God, that is holy and is encouraged. In fact, the Song of Solomon was so provocative, in the Middle Ages, more commentaries were written on the Song of Solomon than all other books of the Bible combined in the Middle Ages. At one point in time, they had to tell the monks, you aren't allowed to read the Song of Solomon. See, it's a graphic picture from God's perspective of what he longs for a man and a woman to enjoy. Sex is sacred, it's encouraged, and it's commanded.

And I don't know the last time you heard a message on 1 Corinthians 7, 3 through 5, but it's very clear. It says, wives, your body's not your own. Husbands, your body's not your own. There is a dynamic in the sexual union that I don't understand, but God is really clear. It says that when a woman has a desire for her man and needs to be held and loved and needs sexual intimacy, or if a man has desire for his wife and needs to be affirmed and encouraged. And why it is so affirming and encouraging for a man, I don't know, okay?

I don't know. But ladies, you go home and take a walk, those of you that are married, take a walk today with your husband. And go ahead and ask him, you know honey, what that guy said today, is that like really true? I mean is it really true that you feel more like a man and more affirmed and more loved and that no matter what's happening out there and all the pressures and all the stresses, that when we come together you feel like somehow you're affirmed and that you're secure and you matter and you're a real man and things are really okay? You ask your husband, and guys, all you have to do, if this is an uncomfortable area, all you have to do is this.

And the Scripture's clear, and this is disobeyed everywhere. Except for a commitment to mutually pray, we need to offer ourselves one to another sexually. And if there's struggles here, often the sexual relationship is like one of the lights on the dashboard.

And if it's not working real well, and by the way, can I just say this? I've never met a couple and I've done tons of counseling. I've never met anyone so far that hasn't had a struggle in this area in one season of their marriage or not.

If you think that everyone else really has it together, they really love God, they probably never had a problem, then they're lying. And if you have a problem or a struggle, often it's like a light on the dashboard that says something under the hood needs addressed. If one person in the marriage relationship is insensitive and you get anger and resentment toward them about it, guess where it shows up? It shows up in the bedroom. You can't make love to someone and feel uninhibited and caring toward someone who you've got anger in your heart. You know, when there is not long walks and talks and sensitivity and encouragement and nurturing in a relationship, and at 10 o'clock at night the husband says, wow, I'm really attracted to you. And the wife in her heart feels like, attracted to me?

Yeah, I just feel used. Where were you when I was doing the dishes? You know, when you came home and I had three kids circling around my feet, where were you when I feel all the pressure and I did the dishes, I got the finances, and you watch the ball game for three hours, then you come to bed and you want to be with me?

And you know what her heart is? Get a break, buddy. I'm tired.

In fact, excuse me, I feel a headache coming on. And see, the sexual relationship is a barometer on the dashboard to let you know maybe there's some work that needs to happen in the marriage. Maybe there's some energy and time that needs to go in as a man, nurturing, loving, caring, and communicating with my wife.

And as a woman, maybe it tells me that maybe I've got some unresolved anger or hurt toward my husband, and that's why. Because you know what we do? We're really smart people. We're passive aggressive. We learn how to punish one another. And the average woman has learned she has one trump card in the marriage relationship. And that one trump card is she can control an awful lot about what happens and what doesn't happen by her withholding sexuality to her husband.

And what I want you to know is that's not the way to go. God says, I'm pro-sex. I invented it. It's a gift. But it's not a gift that comes gift wrapped and you'll never have any problems.

It's a gift like every other gift. You'll need to work at it, to enjoy it, to experience the sacred, encouraged, commanded activity to love and fulfill your mate. God is very pro-sex, but you notice he's pro-family. God says sex belongs inside the fireplace. See, if you could take fire and you take it outside the fireplace, and you can build a fire on the living room floor, right?

There's only one problem. What happens? The house burns down. It's fire. It produces light and provides warmth. It just burns down the house.

But you can take the same fire and stick it in the fireplace, and there's boundaries around the fireplace. It produces light. It produces warmth. And you know, when the electricity goes out, I've learned you can cook a little food there. And what God wants you to know is that's what sex is. It's fire.

It's a God-given gift to bring about life and encouragement. But it's got to be inside this boundary. Fourth fact is that cheaters never win. What I've said so far, there's a lot of people in the back of their mind are saying, and maybe some of you are going, Buddy, you've got to be on drugs. This is the 21st century. Are you actually saying, look, I'm single, okay? Or I'm married and you don't understand. It's not that we don't have, you know, it's not in my marriage like we have bad sex. We don't have sex.

And I've got to go find this somewhere. And I love God, and I go to church once a month. And are you actually saying, like with two brain cells working, that you really are telling me that this is not only God's will, but it's a good thing, and the best thing for me is to keep sex inside the boundaries of marriage, one man, one woman forever. I mean, are you really telling me in our day that you buy that?

Because, see, most people in our day don't. And what I want to suggest is the research is overwhelming, not only biblically, but in practical experience. And so I've entitled that Cheaters Never Win. Adultery Causes Pain. Look at Proverbs 6, 32 and 33. It says, but a man who commits adultery lacks judgment.

Whoever does so, listen to this, destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away. Adultery causes pain. You know, the problem is we've seen all those TV programs and all those romance novels and all those quick commercials, 80 plus percent of all the people shown on TV, videos and movies that are having great, passionate, wonderful sex aren't married. And you know what that does to you and me?

It tells you down deep in your heart and your mind that the great stuff is out there somewhere. When I was doing research for this book, I came across some very interesting statistics. Talk about cheaters never winning.

Let me give you just a handful of facts. These aren't from the Bible. You're talking to someone and they're saying, no sex, except you're crazy. Okay, those who abstain from sexual intercourse before marriage report the highest levels of sexual satisfaction in marriage.

Do you know that? They discovered that those who cohabitate also not only have a higher incident of divorce, but are more likely to commit adultery once they get married. By contrast, the University of South Carolina in a study said, those who abstain from sexual intercourse before marriage have the highest rates of fidelity in marriage.

The introduction of sex for those who are single into a dating relationship is almost always the ushering in of the breakup of that relationship. And then finally, sexually transmitted diseases can remain dormant or asymptomatic, in other words, you don't know you have it, for up to ten years. You can have sex with someone today and never know it, and it can be in your body for ten years and you can pass it on. Now, you know what?

It seems to me that when God says, no sex except for in marriage, it must be an all-wise, all-loving God who would say, sex belongs inside the fireplace. And by the way, it only takes once. It takes one moment on one business trip or with one neighbor in one situation in one week moment and all the consequences we talked about can occur. And by the way, this doesn't occur to people out there. This occurs to regular, good people who go to church.

This occurs to people who get up and have a quiet time three, four, five, six times a week. This letter, I won't read it. This is a letter from a family in our church. Young couple, early 30s, good-looking, committed, involved in ministry, two small children. And she writes in it, I'm really praying, I taught this series in our church.

I looked ahead and I found out which commandment's coming and I'm really praying for the weekend. My husband had an affair that lasted over a year. We've been in counseling for the last nine months. It has brought more havoc and pain in my heart and in his. He loves me. It was something he never ever intended or dreamed could ever happen to him.

But the coworker and they just became friends. And the story goes on and she says, I'm praying that when you teach this, the Spirit of God will intervene in any person who is having an affair, any person that's kind of in that stream and gravitating toward another person other than their mate because I wish I could tell others, I wish I could tell people the destruction and the pain that it brings for us, for our marriage, and for our two little boys. Before we continue today, I want to pause. This is a serious message with serious consequences. The Bible is very clear and God is very clear about one boundary. Any kind of sex outside of the marriage relationship between a man and a woman is wrong. The Bible calls it sin.

And what I want to remind you is this isn't done by evil, terrible people out there somewhere. This happens to really good people in moments of weakness who say something that leads to something or make a decision that leads to a sexual encounter that impacts them often for the rest of their life. 1 Corinthians chapter 6 verse 18 says, flee sexual immorality. And I think you got to really pause and ask yourself, I can't handle this. This is dangerous. I must flee. This is one of the things you have to run from. In order to run from it, you have to recognize the temptation, you got to get on your feet, you got to step outside, and you got to walk away when emotions are screaming inside and when desires are screaming inside of you. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're being tempted, and it means you to respond quickly and run, not fight this one. I want to encourage you that if you are currently moving toward our inner relationship and whether it's with a screen, whether it's a person of the opposite sex, whether it's someone of the same sex, if it's not sex inside of a covenant marriage relationship, you violate God's boundary. And when you violate God's boundary out of His mercy and His love, there's huge consequences.

But here's the good news. At any moment when you would pause and say, Oh God, I am sorry. I turned from this. Will you forgive me? There may be some consequences, but you will meet a kind, loving, restoring Father. And so I want you to pause today and ask yourself, where are you in terms of your sexual purity, your thinking, your speech, and your relationships? And then I want you to ask yourself, do you know someone that you love that you realize you need to talk to them about God's boundary in their life because you care? Let's be pure. Let's honor God. The boundaries are for our good.

Great word, Chip. And to help you grasp this important boundary, let me encourage you to check out Chip's series Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. Whether single, married, or dating, this teaching will help you better understand romance and relationships from God's perspective and live a life full of genuine love and intimacy. So invest some time this week in Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. It'll change your life. You can listen to this entire series by going to specialoffersatlivingontheedge.org or the Chip Ingram app. Well, Chip's still here in studio with me, and Chip, before we go, you wanted to share one last thing with our listeners. Thanks, Dave. I know a lot of people pray and support the ministry because you hear of exciting new things that we're doing, whether it's in China or the Middle East or working with pastors.

But I'd like you to consider something else. The Bible is very clear that where you are spiritually ministered to, there's a moral responsibility to financially support. That's not me. That's the apostle Paul. And, you know, there's about a million people every week that are hearing God's word, and God is using the teaching ministry of Living on the Edge to help Christians grow in Christlikeness, and that changes families and communities. If you're one of those people, would you pray about giving back if, indeed, Living on the Edge is ministering to you and helping you grow spiritually? It's just a principle that I think is very important.

Would you pray about it and do whatever God shows you to do? Thanks, Chip. Well, as you prayerfully consider your role with this ministry, I want to remind you that every gift is significant. When you partner with Living on the Edge, you multiply our efforts and resources in ways that only God can do. To set up a recurring donation, go to livingontheedge.org or visit the Chip Ingram app. You can also text DONATE to 74141.

That's the word DONATE to 74141. We appreciate your support. Well, as we close, you know a great way to get plugged in with our resources here at Living on the Edge is through the Chip Ingram app. You can listen to past series, sign up for daily discipleship, and more. Let us help you experience God in a new personal way starting today with the Chip Ingram app. Well, join us next time as Chip continues his series, God's Boundaries for Abundant Living. Until then, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. .