God's Boundaries for Abundant Living - A Word to Families in an Age of Chaos, Part 1

One of the greatest needs every human being has, and it's what makes families work. It's called respect. Today's commandment, honor your father and mother, may mean something that you never dreamed, but it's the key to a great family.

Stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram, and today we're continuing our study of the Ten Commandments through Chip's series, God's Boundaries for Abundant Living. We're all the way up to number five, honoring your father and mother. Now this may just sound like an archaic lesson in manners, but as Chip will explain today, it's much deeper than that. When we understand God's heart behind this guideline, it changes our attitude toward our parents and our approach to our families and spouses as well. So with that, let's join Chip for his message, A Word to Families in an Age of Chaos.

Go in your Bibles to Exodus chapter 20. What do you think it means to honor your mom and dad? What's it mean, do you think, for small kids, or what do you think it means when you're an adult?

And what's it look like when you're 30 years old or 40 years old or 45 years old? What's it look like to honor your mom or your dad? Or what's it look like when you have kids that are five or six or seven and they're real small, and you're the parent, and you have this command, they're supposed to honor you.

What's your role as a parent? And then what do you do when you're 10, 12, 14, 15, and you're very coherent, you understand how life works, and you realize this command was given to all of God's people. This command was not given to a Sunday school class. This wasn't given to some little group of small children.

Now this is what you need to know. This was given at Mount Sinai from God out of this complete pagan background, and the children were there, the adults were there, they heard God's voice, and so the application is for children, for teens, for adults, and even older adults about what it means to honor your mother and your father. And so I want to dig in, and as I do, I want to give just a quick little disclaimer. In our day, there are so many painful, dysfunctional families, but what I've watched when I've taught this before is when you talk about honoring your father and mother, and people have come from very painful, dysfunctional drug, alcohol, or sexually abusive or physically abusive backgrounds, you can almost watch people withdraw and say, wait a second, man, I don't know what you're talking about. I can't honor my mom.

You don't know what she didn't do, and she knew what was going on. I can't honor my dad. I remember when he beat me up.

I remember when we were out on the streets because he had a drug problem or an alcohol problem. And so here's what I want you to do is lean back a little bit. I'm going to address at the very end of this message how you honor a mother or a father when in your heart of hearts you believe there's no way I can honor them. But what you need to do is hear what God has to say about the content of honoring parents because you need to break the cycle.

You need to be a different kind of parent, or you need to be the kind of person that teaches your kids a different way. So with that, I've divided the structure of it by asking some questions. So let's look at the text together.

It's really pretty straightforward. The command is Exodus 12, 20, honor your father and mother. The promise is so that you may live long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. Honor your father and your mother. So honor your parents. The promise then, God is saying to this group of people as he's moving them into this land, there's going to be a correlation between how you respond to your parents and the quality of your life in this new land that I'm going to give you. What does it mean then to honor your parents?

Let me give you a definition of the word honor here. This word literally in Hebrew means to be heavy. It means to glorify. It means to ascribe value and worth to your parents.

It means to respect them or to hold them in high regard. And the word usage in the exact same form of this Hebrew word to give you a little color, a little background on how this word is used elsewhere. In Leviticus 19, 3, the word is used for the honor or the awe and fear and respect that's to be given God. In Deuteronomy 26, 19, this exact same word in this exact same form is used for fame or praise or speaking well of. It's the enhancing the reputation of another. And then finally, this exact same word in 1 Samuel 2, 29 and 30, it has the idea of wanting to please, wanting to obey someone in a relationship. So that's the idea of honor.

It's the idea of valuing, respecting, obeying, speaking well of, lifting them up, giving weight to their position and to their personhood. Now, the question then is, well, why did God give this command? And if you have that pen that I've asked you to bring, I'm going to give you three reasons why I think God gave this command. And have you noticed that this command is very different? We've had four commands and where's been the focus of all the first four commands?

Vertical, no gods but the true God, no worship but authentic worship, don't abuse my name, the Sabbath day, it's my day, keep it holy. And now what he's doing, this is the transitional command. This command goes from how we are to relate to God in our own personal life. This is the very first command that deals with human relationships with one another. And so the very first reason he gives this command is that the family is the foundation for human relationships. If it doesn't work at home, God's core, God's desire, God's divine design or intent, the family unit, and God is not gray or blurry about what the family unit is. The family unit is not a group of people who decide to learn and want to live together. The family unit is not people who can adopt a baby even though they're both of the same sex. The family unit in scripture is very clear, a mother, a father, and children. A man and a woman monogamous relationship committed in covenant before God together and offspring called children. That is the family.

That is the divine design. Now are there times where a mate dies? Yes.

Are there times where you find yourself a single parent for reasons that you don't have control of and will God give grace? Absolutely. But what he wants us to understand is that the foundation for human relationships designed by God is the family and it's the first priority of all human relationships. It is the core.

It is the nucleus. It's the glue of humanity. And you've heard this said probably on James Dobson a million times, as the family goes, so goes the nation.

And it's true. There is a reason why this is the fifth command. The second reason is it's the foundation for respect of authority. This idea of honoring has to do with respect or obedience to authority. It will be impossible for small little boys and small little girls if they don't learn to respect and obey a parent that they can see, they will never respect or obey other human authority.

And there is a line of hierarchy in God's design. There are people that are the boss in the family. There are people that are morally responsible, that they make the rules, that they're in charge, that they are culpable and they're responsible. And there's other people in the family that are submit to those rules. And there's a stewardship of parents, we'll learn a little bit later, of not exasperating our children, of not using rules as a club, of doing it in context of love.

But you know what? As someone else has said, parenting is not for cowards. It takes courage. We have fallen into the day where every parent in our culture is the goal is to be your kid's buddy, to be their best friend. I got news for you.

There's plenty of good buddies and plenty of good friends. And there's a time where that will evolve, but your kids need to understand you're a parent. The Latin word for parent is an interesting little phrase, in loco de, in the place of God.

That's what the Latin derivative of the word parent means, is that God has placed a parent in the home, in place of God, so that a small child would understand the holiness, the love, the compassion, and the authority of God in human flesh for a period of time. So the foundation for family relationships, second, the foundation for the respect of authority, and third, the foundation of human development. The foundation of human development.

Both undergraduate and graduate work, I changed my majors a lot, but I ended up with some education degrees and a psych degree in undergraduate and graduate work. And here's what I'll tell you. Whether you're Adlerian, Erickson, Skinnerian, young, it doesn't matter your background, every psychological study in the world will tell you the most powerful socializing agent in the entire world is the human family. There's peers, there's experiences, there's traumatic things that happen, but when you want to find out what most impacts a person's view of themselves, view of life, sense of being loved, self-esteem, sexual identity, and moral values, the socialization process by and large the most powerful one in the world is called the family. And some of you, if we had a microphone, we could pass it around and you could talk about how true that is.

And some it would be for better and others it would be for worse. For some of you, you're 40, 50, 60 years old and you still have little tapes that you learned from your mom or your dad or a family unit that said that you're a loser and that you're no good and you'll never amount to anything. And why don't you shut up and you're supposed to be this and you're supposed to be that. And you've spent a huge part of your adult life working through baggage and junk because the human family unit shapes people's hearts, it shapes their minds, it shapes their emotions, it shapes how they see themselves.

And that's by design. And that's why it's so important that we do life God's way. That's why it's so important that your kids get an amazing balance of firm boundaries that create security and where they get overdoses of affirmation and love and encouragement that produces significance.

Every kid is always asking two questions. Can I have my own way and do you love me? And the answer to can I have my own way, and I mean my selfish own way for me, the answer is always no.

And the answer to do you love me, the answer is always yes. Regardless of what they've done, where they've been, what they go through. And when you keep those two things in balance, you'll produce kids that are very secure, have a healthy sense of significance and know what it means to submit to authority. So God gives us this brand new way about how relationships work in the family. It's the foundation of human relationships, respect for authority and human development. Now turn the page if you will and let's get down to the real practical. What does it look like to honor our parents?

And I'm going to look at this in three stages or phases. I want to talk about what it looks like to honor your parents when you're a child, a smaller child up through the pre-teens in the home. Then I want to move on because as you study, I've looked up every verse in all the Bible, Old and New Testament about family and obeying and honoring and wherever it pops up. And then what you find is that when kids get to be in those later teen to early adult years but still living in the home, it looks different to honor your parents. And then what you're going to find is that when you are a middle-aged parent and your parents are aging, you're still to honor your parents. But what the scripture says what that looks like is completely different.

So let's look at them one at a time. What's it look like to honor our parents? As a child, I honor my parents by, write the word in, obeying them. When there's a small child, whether they're 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, I mean on up through the teens, but a child honors their parents first and foremost by obeying them. Ephesians 6, 1 to 4 says, children, it's a command, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.

Now did you notice what he's quoting here? Honor your father and mother. The Apostle Paul inspired by the Spirit is reaching back to the fifth command, which is the first commandment with a promise.

Why? That it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. So children, here's your responsibility, obedience. And then notice the next line and notice who's morally responsible in the home. Does the next line say parents? Does the next line say mothers?

What's it say? Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Instead, bring them up. It's an interesting word in the Greek that has for the full development of the child. Bring them up or nurture them spiritually, emotionally, physically.

Create an environment, how? In the training and instruction of the Lord. And so when a small child up through those teenage years, they honor parents by obeying. And if you will, with that pen that you brought, circle the word obey. It's a compound word. It's kind of interesting. So it's worth kicking around.

The word obey here is hupo, to be under, akuo. And I use that because there's a sound. How many people play guitar in here?

Okay, got a handful. How many people when I say this room has good acoustics, you know what I'm saying? An acoustic guitar is a kind of guitar. That's where we get our word acoustic or hearing.

Hupo means to be under. And so there's a picture here where obedience is your little children especially need to be under the hearing of your word. That means they obey you when you speak. Children obey your parents.

That means do what they say. And I'm going to suggest that obedience has three characteristics. One, it's immediate.

Two, it's complete, not partial. In other words, when you say to your kids clean up your room, 67% of a clean room is not obedience. 100% of a clean room is obedience.

It's immediate, it's complete, and it's with a good attitude. The number one thing you need as parents to teach your kids early on, and by the way, when you start real early, the better it is for them and the better it is for you. Teach them to obey. And we've got a generation of people that this is how it goes. Have you ever been to a grocery store and there's about a two or three or maybe four-year-old and they're in the cart, right?

And the lady or the guy's going like this and the kid's leaning over, reaching over everything and the parent, no, no, no. Can I? Can I? No, no, no.

You can't have that. And you watch this battle. In fact, sometimes when Teresa and I walk around, if I catch this, I just can't. I get about 50 feet and I just watch.

I just want to see how much of this is going to go on. And you know who almost always wins those battles? It's not the parent. Do you know all the McDonald's commercials, by and large, you know who they're geared for? They're geared for kids. You know who determines where you go out to eat in most families in America?

The older of parents who are thinking about nutrition and what's best? No. What? The kids.

And how do they get their way? I want to get a McDonald's. I want to go.

I want to go. And nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. And we have a generation of people that kids have learned to teach their parents, rightly, how to obey them. And so we've got five and eight, nine year olds directing the world. How many times have you been, you know, a little convicting here, certainly happened to me. How many times have you been over to some friend's house and when your kids were small, or maybe now, and they're back either playing in the back bedroom, or they're playing with some toys over here, or I remember one time they're playing in a sandbox.

And this is so classic. And so you all go over there, and let's not make it you. Let's make it some very insensitive, probably, parent that's not anything like you, but this could happen somewhere someday. And so they say, you know, you guys have had coffee and dinner, and you're ready to go, and you do what parents do. Honey, I'll go tell the kids it's time to go. And so there's two kids playing out in the sandbox. You say, Johnny, okay, it's time to go right now. Let's go. And then like parents, you get up from the table, so you come to one of those doors, not the front door, but one of the doors, and you start talking. Right? Now, and when you look, neither kid has moved.

They've studied you for years. I mean, they didn't even flinch. A toy didn't even come out of the sand. And then you talk for five or six more minutes because you've been trained by your child, and then you go back and say, Johnny, right now, put those toys away, and let's go. And then you move from that doorway to right near the door where you're actually going to leave, and you start talking again. The one kid looks at the other, goes, shrugs his shoulders, keeps playing. And then pretty soon you realize it's been about 15 minutes, and then because you're a highly trained adult, Johnny, right now, get out here. And the kid casually looks at his friend and goes, it's about time to go.

I'll see you. And you know what? It's kind of funny when you tell it like that, but you know what that kid is learning? That kid has learned and has been taught that when your veins pop out and when your voice is high and when you're screaming like someone's ready to die, it's only then that you're going to act and only then that they need to obey. And when it's three and five and six, we can laugh in a room like this.

When they're 16, it's not very funny. I learned this almost the hard way. There was a hedge that was about as high as these chairs, and Teresa and I were taking a walk, and I was learning how to be a parent and still learning, but back then I had a lot more to learn. And our boys were running out ahead of us. They were about four and a half at the time, and we were holding hands, taking a little walk, and there was a hedge like this, and then right up about here, there was a driveway, and then people coming off this road, and then another hedge in a driveway. To make a very long story short, my one little son was, he would run up ahead, and I'd say, Eric, Eric, slow down.

Stay close to us. And he would wave and run, and I would say my hearing of my word, and he wouldn't obey, and he wouldn't obey, and it was kind of cute. And then in my peripheral vision, I saw a car coming out, and he couldn't, there's no way he could see my little boy. And it was like a nightmare. I could see my little boy going, and here's the opening, and here's the car I can see. And I screamed, Eric, stop! And he laughed and ran, and I mean, it was like, and one of those times, and I think, you know, maybe my mind's eye, overly dramatic, but I just, everything flashed in front of me. I thought I just lost my boy.

And you know what? It wasn't his fault. It was my fault. I had taught him that when I speak, you don't have to obey. I had not taught him that when I calmly say, Eric, stop, those words have content, and they have meaning. And I committed myself from that point on with all my kids, that when I say it calmly, when I say it one time, and you know, I'm not harsh, but when I say it calmly and one time, I expect you to immediately obey, completely obey, and with a good attitude obey. And if you don't, you will get to experience the consequences of your behavior.

And when you do, you will get to experience the good consequences of your behavior. And early on, when I knew it was hard for him, you know, I wouldn't go over at the door. I would get all the way over, Eric, yeah dad, and I'd get his eyes. We're going to go. Do you understand? Yes.

Right now, I want you to put everything down, and I want you to get cleaned up, and I want you to come. Okay. Do you understand that? Yes. Good.

And then that's that's all I said. And if he did not obey immediately, completely, with a good attitude, then I would teach him how to do that. And you know something, when they learn that at four, five, seven, eight, nine, ten, and by the way, when my kids got slack, you know what I found out the problem was?

It wasn't them. As I would start saying it, not meaning it. Children, number one responsibility. The only command I can find in Scripture for a child is obedience. And parents, your number one responsibility is not their self-image. Your number one responsibility is not to make them a great volleyball player, basketball player, ballerina, or musician. Your number one responsibility is not that they get into a good school, have good grades, and you know, have great social skills. Your number one responsibility is to make sure that your kids know how to obey you who they can see, so they can learn to obey a God who they can't see. And that's what it means to honor your parents. And by the way, you know, if you're a student or a child here, I would just ask is, do you obey your parents? And do you do it with a good attitude? When there's a conflict between your schedule and there's something you really want to do and your parents are in a bind, do you have a cooperating spirit that says, you know what, God placed my parents here and they have a life too, and yeah mom, dad, that's okay, you all go ahead.

I can miss this one soccer game. See, it's really, really important. This word wasn't given just to a group of adults.

This word was given with young people standing and hearing. And this was very, very serious. So serious that, you know, in Deuteronomy 21, don't read that unless you're like, have had dinner and you're in a relaxed mode and, you know, you just want to think. But juvenile delinquency was a non-issue in the Old Testament community. Because you know what the price tag or the penalty was for cursing your mother or your father? I mean, just talking back in a cursing tone and showing disrespect for your mother or father?

They stoned him. Now I don't have any place in the Old Testament where they actually, that I hear of, had to inflict that. But just it being on the books, if I was a young kid, I would say, I think I'm gonna obey mom and dad. There is a healthy fear that is positive.

And I think it's important for us to have that delicate balance. And yes, I think there was a generation where parents were harsh. I think there was a generation where kids were to be seen and not heard. And I think that pendulum has swung so far that we have not taught our kids to obey us. And we do not take it seriously.

And we do great harm. What does it look like to honor your parents as a child? Very simply put, you obey them. If you want more information on this, we put a series together called Effective Parenting in a Defective World. And we walk through about eight sessions, nine sessions on how do you teach your child to obey? How do you discipline your child? How do you help them develop their full potential?

How as a parent do you create an environment where your kids can be who God wants them to be? The second aspect is then not when they're a child, but as a young person, I honor my parents by respecting and cooperating with them. This is for kind of the middle to late teens, early adulthood, but you're still living in their home. You're still eating their food. They still buy, you know, a pretty good portion of your clothes.

The car insurance you're not taking care. In other words, you are still dependent. You're mature. There's a natural tension and there is a breaking away and you're making more and more of your own decisions and you're choosing your friends and you've been taught well and you're making good progress. And now respecting and cooperating with your parents is what it looks like to honor them. Notice Proverbs 23 22, it says listen to your father who gave you life and do not despise your mother when she is old. I would add don't despise her anytime, but especially when she's old.

He goes on to say in Proverbs 20 20, if you curse your parents, your life will end like a lamp that goes out in the dark. You need to respect your parents. You know what?

You can disagree. Are you ready for this? Your parents don't even have to be right.

It will happen on rare occasions. If you're sitting here and you're a student and you're listening to my voice and you know what? There are certain times where yeah, they don't get it and they say this is the way it is and you're thinking that is totally wrong. You know what God's will if you is? Respect your parents, cooperate with them, God is sovereign, your parents will get over it. They'll look back one day and realize how smart you were and how much you knew and they should have done it your way. But you know, God's gonna hold you responsible to respect and cooperate with your folks. And you know what? Wise parents understand there's real tension.

The picture I have, the word picture that has helped me so much with my kids is during this time, those middle teens and on, I view my kids like a kite and what they really need to do is they need to learn how to fly and fly on their own. And what you do is you just keep letting out string. You just keep letting out string. And as long as they're doing fine, you keep letting out string. And the string is that you have responsibility over here and you have authority over here and they get to make more and more choices the more and more responsible they are. And when they make really bad choices, the responsibility and authority, you just keep them together.

And you know what? How late they stay out, when they can use the car, how much money gets allotted to here or there, it is all based on the more responsible they are, the more and more and more you let loose. One of our kids right now, she's very, very mature. She's doing things at 17 that none of her brothers did because she's more responsible than they were.

They say girls, you know, mature faster and part of that I'm sure is true physically, but with her it's true spiritually. So one of the things I wanted her to learn is I'm thinking, you know, a year or so from now she's gonna have to make all the decisions. And so Teresa and I sat down and we figured out, you know, how much money in general do we spend on everything for our daughter?

And I mean, not just some sort of allowance, but clothes, makeup, camps, everything. And we decided that we would take that X amount of money and just give it to her each month. And she has her own account. She makes her own decisions. She saves money. She is learning all the things like, you know, she just went to a camp and she paid half of it. Well, she had to figure out last December how much money she's gonna save to have money for camp. And then when she goes to a store, it's not like, hey mom, hey dad, look at that blouse. Can I have that one? Can I have one? She's not like that, but it's like, well, you know, it costs X amount of dollars.

You have X amount of money. Make a good decision. And see, what you want to do, the goal is not that you restrict your kids and create some artificial bubble, whether it's in a school or your home or some environment. What your goal is, how do I help my kids learn to make great decisions? How do I help my kids learn to be loving and other-centered? And how do I help them learn to be responsible? And they love God.

You don't want them to become independent. You want to transfer their dependence from you to God. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And you've been listening to part one of his message, A Word to Families in an Age of Chaos, from our series, God's Boundaries for Abundant Living.

Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Many people today look at the Ten Commandments as an outdated and oppressive list of rules. So are they still necessary today? Does it matter if Christians follow them or not? Well, Chip addresses these tough questions through his detailed study in Exodus chapter 20.

Discover, rather than a rigid set of don'ts, how the Ten Commandments act as guidelines for a loving and caring Heavenly Father. I hope you can join us for every message in this series. To learn more about Living on the Edge or our many insightful resources, visit LivingOnTheEdge.org.

That's LivingOnTheEdge.org. Well, Chip's with me in studio now. And Chip, we're in the heat of the summer. School's out, families are together and spending more time with one another. Talk about what parents can do to really engage with their kids on a spiritual level.

Well, great question, Dave. And I would just remind parents, you are the most influential person in your child's life. And if you will model living out your faith, and if you will invest in your kids to help them understand first and foremost, who is God?

What is He really like? And I do understand it's hard to do family devotions every day, but let me give you a resource to really make this a special summer. It's called The Real God Family Devotional. It's a series of about seven very small little movies.

They're only three or four minutes long. It will capture your kids' attention and teach them about one attribute of God in a way they can really understand. And then for you as a parent, there'll be one verse and then some questions. And even for your older kids, some things you can text them throughout the week, but you can begin to help your kids understand that God is good, that God is loving, that God is just. And some of the biggest conversations about life and values and where the world is and the things you want to build into your kids' lives is giving them a high, clear, accurate view of a very loving, compassionate, and holy God.

We have seen God use this in such profound ways. Let me encourage you, invest in your kids. It's called The Real God Family Devotional. Go online. Give us a call. Get it today. Start it this summer. Just do one each week.

And what I can tell you is you will make an investment in the lives of your children that can change the course of their life. Great challenge, Chip. To learn more about The Real God Family Devotional, visit special offers at livingontheedge.org or the Chip Ingram app. Through this resource, Chip will explore seven key attributes of God revealed in scripture. Discover how knowing who God really is gives us purpose, security, and true joy in our lives. So if you're ready to transform your view of God, check out The Real God Family Devotional today by going to specialoffers.org or the Chip Ingram app.

Well, here again is Chip to share that application we've been talking about. As we close today's program, I have to imagine that there's some of you that actually are pretty discouraged right now. When you hear God's word that says your kids need to honor you and you have kids that are talking back, disrespectful, don't come in, you've got conflict in your home, let me just tell you that I have been there. And I can tell you there are literally thousands of parents that have been through what you're going through. And part of the issue is, yes, as you're processing this, you need to set clear boundaries.

You need to address some issues. But there's part of it that it's, you know, no matter what you do, there's some times where your kids just do some things that make it very difficult or impossible for there to be a lot of peace in the family. And so let me encourage you, number one, this sounds trite, but really pray God will change your son or daughter's heart. And number two, ask God for the grace to love them even when they're responding in a way that makes you crazy. That doesn't mean you give in, doesn't mean there's not consequences, but what can happen is your heart can get hard and you can start to get where you don't care and you get numb.

You don't want to go there. You always want your kids to know you can't have your way in an evil, disrespectful way is what I mean by that. But number two is I will not stop loving you. And so you keep engaging with them. And one of the other things you need is you need hope because when you're in the midst of this, as we were many, many years ago, you just feel like it's never going to end.

Let me encourage you when we're in the throes of it, we're going to trust God, we're going to set boundaries, we're going to love our kids, and the sovereign, all-wise, loving God of the universe has changed kids in the past and he's going to change them in the future. Great word, Chip. As we close, I want to thank each of you who makes this program possible through your generous giving. 100% of your gifts go directly to the ministry to help Christians live like Christians.

Now, if you found this teaching helpful but aren't yet on the team, consider doing that today. Sending a gift is easy. Go to livingontheedge.org or text donate to 74141. That's the word donate to 74141. Or visit livingontheedge.org. App listeners, tap donate. And let me thank you in advance for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, join us next time as Chip continues his series, God's Boundaries for Abundant Living. Until then, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.