Five Lies that Ruin Relationships - Why a Change in Scenery Rarely Improves the View, Part 1

Change is inevitable. And you know, change can be a great thing.

But there are times when making a change in your life, your work, or your relationships can bring devastating consequences. Today on Living on the Edge, we're going to talk about how to know when it's time to move on and how to know when you need to stay right where you're at. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this daily discipleship program motivating Christians to live like Christians. I'm Dave Drouy, and we're nearing the end of our series, Five Lies That Ruin Relationships. And for these final two programs, Chip will be in the middle of James Chapter 5, breaking down the misconception that our happiness or satisfaction is the most important thing in life.

For more on that, here's Chip with today's talk, Why a Change in Scenery Rarely Improves the View. Under pressure, I mean when life gets difficult, when it gets painful, and when there's stress in your marriage, or when you're sick and tired of being single, or when this job just isn't working out, or you know, you think the two's or the three year old's phase will never leave, or the teenage phase will never get through. Under pressure, we all tend to play what I call the if only game. And the if only game goes like this, and it's the fifth lie. The lie is that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence mentality. When things get hard and when they get difficult, somehow we think if I were in a different situation, if only this happened or that happened, then everything would be just absolutely good. It's just, it's my circumstance.

And the lie is, the grass is greener. If only, and are you ready? Let me ask you to fill this in in your notes. If only I could change, and then you could fill it in, then everything would be, and then write the word wonderful. And I don't know what it would be for you, but I'd like you to think, what would you fill in there?

If only, fill that in, then life would be wonderful. If only my health were restored, then life would be wonderful. If only my husband would have a change of heart, then life would be wonderful. If only my boss would be transferred or join another company, then my life would be wonderful. If only my son or daughter would come back to the Lord, then life would be wonderful. If only, if only this ministry would take off and I could just get out of what I'm doing and get where God wants me to be, then life would be wonderful. If only I made a few more thousand dollars a year so that we could, then life would be wonderful.

Have you got it? Under pressure, we all play the if only game. If only he was more sensitive. If only she was more affectionate. If only the economy would change. If only the stock market would go back up. If only the interest rates would change.

If only we could, and we do it, and we do it, and we do it. And it's a lie. We think that way. And I'm going to suggest this is the lie of the greener grass mentality. Here's the false premise. I believe we, especially in this country, this is not too much in the third world. When I go to India, when I go to Haiti, when I go to Africa, those people live in intense times and very difficult times. When I spend time with people who know that sharing the gospel may well cost them their life, they do not share this false premise. But in America, I believe this is a false premise. And the false premise is God wants me to be happy.

Now, there's a lot of truth in that, so don't get too shaken up. God does want to bless us. He does want us to give us a full life. But when I say God wants me to be happy, I mean He wants me to feel happy. He wants me to be emotionally satisfied.

He wants everything to be going right all the time so that I'm a happy camper. So I'm fulfilled. So life is going my way. So I'm successful. So life is good.

I believe that's a false premise. Because I've got passages that say in the world, you will have tribulation. But be of good cheer, I've overcome the world. I've got passages that say, why are you surprised at the fiery trial that you're undergoing? Because it's predictable and certain. I have passages that say that every single person that longs and wants to live a godly life will experience persecution.

So I think we've kind of eliminated some of those passages in our American view of the New Testament and the Old Testament. And we have come to believe that God wants personal fulfillment and happiness and good emotions like about 99% of the time. So I put this in a little axiom here. Major premise, God wants me to be happy. And that's His highest goal for my life.

That's what He really wants. Minor premise, my situation, my job, my marriage, my school, my relationships are so painful and stressful that conclusion, this situation or relationship can't be God's will for my life. That is, I mean, that is day after day after day after day being believed and acted on, at least in America. I was doing a radio call-in. We had just written the book Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships.

It was about giving people a whole new paradigm about building lasting relationships and God's role for sexuality and the kind of relationships that really stay together. It was a nationwide call-in program. They talk a little bit and then people call from around the country. Every time I, you know, when a book comes out, you do this on all these different radio things.

And so this happened almost every time we did a call-in. And so this was a Chicago listener and this lady calls in. She goes, well, you know, I just really want you to know that I know God really wants me to be happy and I am just miserable in my marriage and so I'm going to be divorcing my husband and that's okay, isn't it? And I said, well, ma'am, that's a very complex situation and I don't know all the issues, but do you have biblical grounds for divorce?

She goes, well, what do you mean? I said, well, has he been sexually unfaithful? Is he an unbeliever that maybe you married before you were a Christian and that he has abandoned you? I mean, do you have biblical grounds for divorce?

And she goes, well, no, he's just not very considerate. He's just not very nice. I don't feel fulfilled. I mean, I'm missing out on life. I'm miserable. I just don't like him anymore. Then she said this, but I know God wants me to be happy, therefore I know this can't be his will.

Now, that's a graphic one, but I would challenge you and I would challenge me to ask yourself where do you play that if only game. A while back, I had a guy come to me and he was just, I mean, he hated his job, hated his job, hated his job, frustrated with his job. This isn't where I belong.

This is what I really want to do. Now, he hadn't put a resume together, hadn't done anything, hadn't talked to his boss, but he just whined and whined and whined and in his mind, if only I had a different job, if only I had a different job, then I would be happy. So one day, I met him for coffee and he said, well, man, I'll tell you what, I'm doing great now. I said, why? What happened? He said, I quit. I said, you did? Your job?

Yeah. I said, well, wow, great. I mean, what's your new job? I don't have a new job. I said, you don't have a new job? He said, yeah, I just realized it couldn't be God's will for me to be in this job because it makes me so miserable. And that guy was unemployed probably for about 14 or 16 months and I watched his life and his family because he played the if only game, the grass is greener mentality.

And if only this changes, then I'll be happy. And so he bailed out of God's program in his life. The truth is, if you'll look in your notes, is that running from adversity and conflict in relationships does not solve problems, but it compounds them. And all of us at certain times in our life have run from adversity, have run from conflict and difficulty.

And we could probably tell a lot of stories of how, you know what, running away from it did not solve it, it just compounded it. Patience and perseverance are the keys to relational transformation. Boy, now isn't that hopeful? Well, that's just the kind of thing you say, that's what I really want. I was hoping the last time someone would tell me, here's the answer to those relational, knotty, difficult issues in your life.

Be patient and persevere. I mean, that is just felt need all the way, isn't it? It's what you were longing to hear. And I can almost hear some of you say, no, no, no, you don't understand, Chip. You understand. I'm sure there's a lot of people that probably need to hang in there and they need to have patience and they need to persevere, but you don't understand. I mean, I don't sleep at night because of this situation.

I mean, I have stomach acid rolling, I'm having panic attacks. This conflict, this difficulty, this thing is so difficult. You don't understand how bad this situation is with my daughter. You don't understand the kind of marriage I'm in. You don't understand the pressure I have in my finances. You'd understand the mess in this church and that's why I'm leaving it now and shaking the dust off my feet. You just don't understand. And you know what? You're right. I don't understand.

But God does. And I would suggest there's a group of people that I do not care how difficult your situation is. Their situation was far worse. They had lost their homes. They had been abandoned by their families. Some were starving. Others were being persecuted by the Roman government. They were hiding out in caves to be able to pray and worship the Lord. They were dispersed and ran for their lives. What do you think God would say to that group of people?

Well, you don't have to guess. If you'll look in your notes, I put exactly what God would say to people in a very difficult situation of conflict and adversity. And here's what he says to them beginning in verse 7 of chapter 5 of the book of James. Be patient then, brothers. Well, how long? Until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and the spring rains?

You too. Be patient and stand firm. Well, why? Because the Lord's coming is near. Well, what kind of attitude should we have while we're waiting? Verse 9, don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you'll be judged.

The judge is standing at the door. Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who persevere. You have heard of Job's perseverance and you've seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. Above all, my brothers, do not swear, not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your yes be yes and your no no or you'll be condemned.

In other words, keep your word. Now, we've been doing Bible study and I was so excited I brought two pens because we're going to both underline and circle. Are you ready to do a little Bible study? There are four commands in this passage. As I give them to you, I want you to underline the commands. Command number one, be patient. That's in verse seven. Command number two is in verse eight.

Be patient and stand firm. So he repeats the same command. Command number three, don't grumble.

Underline that. Command number four is do not swear. Do not swear. So he's made it very, very clear, he understands their situation. It's as bad or literally worse than anyone's difficult conflict or adversity and he says to them very clearly, be patient, be patient and stand firm. Do not grumble and do not swear. Now, I want you to circle some words because there's some things that are repeated that will tell us what he's talking about.

Maybe there's a theme here. Circle the word patient in verse seven. Circle the word weights in the next line. Circle the word patient in the next line. Go to verse eight, circle the word patient. Skip down to verse 10, circle the word patience. Skip down to verse 11 and circle the word persevered. And then circle again in the same line, Job's perseverance. Now, does anybody have any idea might there be a message here?

Inductively, do you see something kind of rising out of this text that might be telling us something about what we need to do in the midst of difficult times? The final thing I'd like you to do is I'd like you to go up because he gives us three examples. There's four commands. It's obvious it's about patience, perseverance, hanging in there, not giving up, hanging tough, enduring. But he's going to give us three snapshots.

There's three pictures. Put a box around the word farmer because he's going to use it as an example. He's going to say there's a lesson to be learned from the farmer. Skip down and put a box around the word profit. He says there's a lesson that we can learn from the profits.

And then finally put a box around the word Job or Job's. There's a lesson to be learned from him. And if you had some time to look at those four commands and as you see those words that are circled, what you're going to learn is that God has a message to people who play the if only game. He has a message to people like us who under pressure, we don't mean to do it, but unconsciously we start believing the lie that if only this would change, if only that would change. See, what we're not asking is if only I would change.

I'm not asking if only my perspective would change, if only my character would grow, if only I could see and understand. And did you notice, I didn't want to wear you out, did you notice three different times the area of patience, endurance is all centered around a future hope that's guaranteed? Did you notice you could put parentheses around in verse seven, the Lord's coming is near? You could put parentheses around the Lord is coming and then later on down it says he's the judge. In each time the ultimate reason for patience and perseverance is we have a hope that is unshakable, we have a God who is sovereign, we have a king who is returning, we have a history that's making its way, we have purposes that cannot be changed, we have a God who is full of love and compassion, who is working both in us and through us for his good will. And out of this I think are three very, very clear commands for us in terms of how do we make it through difficult times? How do we get to where we don't believe the lie of the greener grass mentality of just thinking, maybe if we move or maybe if I get a different marriage partner or maybe if I get a different job or maybe if I change churches or maybe if.

Now don't hear this incorrectly. Are there times to move? Of course there are. Are there times that God wants us to move from one thing to another?

Of course there are. Never hear one passage or one teaching outside the full counsel of God. But what this passage is talking about is you're in circumstances that it's obvious from scripture that God doesn't want to change at this point and instead of trying to wiggle out of them and trying to play a game in your mind that believing it'll be better if only you could do this, like that cow nibbling the grass on the other side of the fence, he says a lot of God's will in a fallen world is wait, patience, patience, patience, patience, persevere, persevere and that in that process he'll do something in you that could never happen the other way and he'll do something through you as a part of that that only he can do if you don't bail out of his program. The first point I see out of this passage in verses 7 to 9 is that we are commanded to be patient even when circumstances are beyond our control. He says don't give up, don't give in because God is in control but they're out of your control. Look, it says be patient brothers until the Lord's coming and then this is the lesson of the farmer. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for autumn and spring rains. How much control does the farmer have about how much sunlight and how much rain? Zero. So what does he do? Say well, you know what, forget this, let's move.

Come on honey, let's just pick up and leave. What does the farmer know? I'm not sure when the rain's going to come.

I don't know how much. I don't know if there's cloudy days. I don't know if there's going to be sunny days. All I know there is a God who's in control of that and I've been farming for a lot of years. And I've been farming for a lot of years and what I know is there's some seasons that are a little dry, there's some that are a little bit rainy but as I look back over year after year after year, you know, I didn't put seed in the ground and it didn't rain very much and I didn't see something happen and leave.

I waited until the cycle and I've learned there are seasons to life and there's seasons to crops and there's seasons to marriages and there's seasons to jobs and there's seasons to ministries and there's seasons with children and if you bail out, then you may have planted the good seed and never reaped the reward. So he says take a lesson from the farmer. What does the farmer do? He waits for the land. He waits for the process.

He lets the land do its work, its valuable crop. He's patient. He realizes, you know what?

Okay. You know what? It's autumn now and things are brown. But guess what? Spring is coming.

Spring is coming. The word patient here is interesting. It's macro, a lot, thumos for heat and it's the art of enduring someone who is incompatible for a long time. That's what that word means.

Some of you thinking, boy, I got that person in my life. Long suffering. It's to have the idea to tolerate a circumstance or a difficulty for a long time. Now obviously they didn't have bombs and dynamite and fuses but the word picture in my mind, when I think when it says patience, the word picture in my mind that helps me is, you know, macro is a long or big and thumos has the idea of heat and it's the idea of it takes a lot, a lot of heat, a lot of difficult, a lot of adversity before you cave in and I have a picture of like a really long fuse. And it's a really long fuse and you like the fuse and what you know is the fuse is going to burn, burn, burn, burn, burn and when it finally gets here, it's going to do its job and the thing is going to break loose. But what God is saying to me is you need to have a long fuse, Chip. You need to have a long fuse in this ministry situation. You need to have a long fuse in this marriage. You need to have a long fuse in your attitude for this problem person.

You need to have a long, you need to have a macro thumos for me. You need to be and learn the lesson of the farmer and realize that you don't know all that's going on and there is a season of difficulty right now but you need to persevere. You need to hang in there. And then by the way, you need to hang in there with the right attitude. Notice what it says, second command, be patient and stand firm again because the Lord's coming is near.

Seasons have a beginning and seasons have an end, don't they? Whatever you're experiencing that you think, I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it one more day. Yes, you can. You say, well, I can't imagine myself three weeks from now in this situation. You don't have to. There is no grace in hypothetical situations. If you start thinking next year or three weeks from now or two years from now or in five years, you know what, there's zero grace. You know what you get grace for today? I'm not sure unless you know more than me. I don't know that you'll be here three weeks from now, do you? I don't know if the earth will be here five weeks from now. The Lord is near. I don't know when he's coming back. So he says stand firm and be patient and then here's the attitude, don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you'll be judged.

The judge is standing at the door. He says when things get difficult and when we should be waiting and realize there is a season in marriage, there is a season with our kids, there's a season in a ministry, what we tend to do is start blaming, grumbling. It's interesting, the word grumble here means to sigh, to groan silently within or to whine without. I hate that definition. It so describes me at times.

Isn't that good? To groan within or sigh, oh brother, or to whine without. It's to build resentment or a negative attitude toward another person.

That's what it means to grumble. And in difficult circumstances, we are all prone to do it. Could I suggest that the lesson of the farmer would teach us that if we're not careful, we'll bail out before God's season is complete in a relationship, a job, a ministry, a church, or a situation, and we will miss the blessing. We'll get in on the planting, we'll get in on the cultivating, we'll get in on the dry season and the difficulty and adversity, and God was just about ready to reign and he was just about to bring about and bear some fruit and you're ready to leave.

And I learned this early and the hard way. I was in seminary and because I was kind of, I guess what would you call it? I'm hyper. Can you kind of recognize that?

I'm a hyper guy, all right? And I was running a little janitorial company and going to seminary and I had three kids and trying to balance all that. And the little janitorial company was having some financial difficulties and I was also involved in a ministry about 20 hours a week.

I mean, insane. And I realized after three years of sleeping about four and a half or five hours a night, I can't do this any longer. I still have a full year of seminary left. And so I asked God to somehow take the ministry and a paycheck and put them together and a little tiny church outside of Dallas in Kaufman, Texas called me to be their pastor.

There's about 35 people out in the boonies of the boonies of the boonies. And they asked me, I didn't know it, they'd had a lot of difficult time with pastors and I'm glad I didn't know it all, but they had been through about eight in the last three years. And if I would have been older and smarter, I would have asked a good question, but I didn't know that and it's good I didn't know, but they asked me for a five-year commitment. And I thought, well, you know, God had showed me I'm supposed to be a pastor and I thought, well, I've got one year of seminary, I could break that and slow down, do it in two years, and I'm going to have to learn how to be a pastor somewhere.

This is a good place. Yeah, a fair five years. Well, I signed up for five years in that little group of 35 and I found out everyone was related and I found out in about the first year why all the other pastors left. And they were wonderful people, but, you know, it was an interesting journey and I had so much to learn and at about year two or year two and a half, you know, now seminary is done.

I've got about six months after it and if someone would have said, you are out of your commitment, I would have run through the door. I mean, I grew up in the suburbs. This is a tiny little town. No stoplights. We actually grew and got a stoplight later. But I mean, at one end of town was the feed store and the other end of the town was the wagon wheel and I think there was a Sonic.

I mean, that's it. And I mean, in the Texas towns, they had little squares where you have the courthouse and you could even see where the rings were where people would put their horses and everyone wore John Deere hats and had guns in the back of their pickups and that is not how I grew up. This was a different environment for me and it was hard, hard, hard, hard. In the two and a half years, I mean, I think I went to 35 to maybe 90 or 100 people and I'm just thinking, I'm knocking my head against the wall. I didn't go to seminary.

Lord, I want to be a missionary. There's like only 100 people here and I'm killing myself and I might be killing them and I mean, everything in me wanted to leave except I made a commitment. And what I didn't understand is there's seasons. I didn't understand that the person who needed to grow up the most was a 28-year-old young pastor who went there that didn't know what he didn't know and that really, those people, instead of being kind of backward and this and that, they really knew a lot more about God and about how to teach me to be a pastor than I ever imagined or dreamed and I stayed there for one simple reason as I think, you know, you let your yes be yes and your no be no. But emotionally, I mean, it was like, I mean, I think I would have taken a job, a good janitorial job, not running a company but being the janitor.

I mean, I was discouraged. And it's interesting is the seasons and God began to work and by about year number four and five, we saw the thing begin to grow and God move in the area. And then actually, I ended up staying eight years. And years six, seven, and eight, we just watched things double and multiply and in a town of about 4,500, we saw about 500 people involved there. We saw churches get connected. We had outreach for all the youth non-denominationally for all the high school kids. We built a child welfare center.

We shut down the pornography and all those little shops that they had and God did a wonderful thing and I would have missed it all because I didn't want to wait. I didn't want to be patient and I didn't understand what the farmer knows. The farmer knows their seasons. What season are you in? What season are you in in your marriage? What season are you in in your business? What season are you in in your church? What season are you in and could it be that instead of if only this was different? And you know, those secret thoughts like if only I had a different marriage partner, you know, if only my health was better then what if God has you in his sovereign will and purposes and his season to develop something inside that's going to be better and deeper and greater than you ever dreamed? That's what James is saying.

Chip will be back in just a minute with his application. You've been listening to the first part of his message why a change in scenery rarely improves the view from his series Five Lies That Ruin Relationships. Are you in the middle of a messy family situation or a painful relationship and wonder how did it come to this?

Are you desperate to make it all right? Well in this series, Chip's in the book of James unpacking for us five false ideas we believe about ourselves and others that can destroy our relationships. Don't miss what you can do to fix those broken bonds in your family and friendships today. To learn more about this series Five Lies That Ruin Relationships, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org, the Chip Ingram app, or call 888-333-6003. Well before we go any further, here's Chip with a quick word.

Thanks so much, Dave. I want to take just a moment to talk directly to those of you that are seeking a way to be more connected to the ministry of Living on the Edge. We're in need of partners who will take a step of faith and make a monthly financial commitment to the ministry. You may be thinking that because we reach millions of people through radio and broadcast and online and ministry resources that we probably don't need the money or that we're supported by all these people. The fact is it's a very small percentage of all the people who listen or do small group resources that actually give to the ministry. We depend on and we deeply appreciate those partners who make the decision to walk with us, especially with a monthly commitment.

It doesn't have to be a large amount. So let me ask you, would you please pray about becoming a monthly partner? Thanks so much in advance for whatever God leads you to do.

Thanks, Chip. Well if joining the Living on the Edge team is an idea that makes sense to you, let me encourage you to become a monthly partner. You can do that today at livingontheedge.org or via the Chip Ingram app and tapping the donate button. With just a few clicks, you can set up a recurring donation and help others benefit from this ministry. Or if it's easier, just text the word donate to 74141.

That's donate to 74141. Well here again is Chip to share some helpful application to what we heard today. Under pressure, we all play the if only game.

I mean, a lot of us just do it in our head and we never verbalize it, but we have this mindset. If this was different, then. And let me tell you, perseverance is not fun. Hanging in there, not giving up in relationships, in a work situation, in something that you know God wants you to do, changing will only bring a new set of problems. But I have to tell you this, you're going to need help to get there. And my best recommendation is to ask yourself, who are four or five people that I could go through this series, five lies that ruin relationships with, and begin to deal with these false beliefs I have about the if only game and about work and about my tongue and about how life really works. There's certain lies we believe, they just wreck your life. This series is about pulling back the curtain and you seeing those lies for what they are and then getting biblical solutions by the grace of God to live differently. Can I encourage you, start a journey with some people that you trust and watch God work in your heart.

Thanks Chip. Just before we close, would you stop for a minute and pray for Living on the Edge today? We've never seen a greater need for God's truth to go out than right now. And by God's grace, Living on the Edge has been able to provide encouragement, teaching and personal discipleship resources to more people than ever before. So thank you to those who support us with your prayers. God is doing amazing things. Well, join us next time as Chip wraps up his series, Five Lies That Ruin Relationships. Until then, I'm Dave Druey, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.