Five Lies that Ruin Relationships - Why We Fight with Those We Love, Part 2

Did you ever wonder why some of the most, I mean, worst fights that you ever have are with people that you love the most? I mean, what causes these heated conflicts and hurt feelings and painful words that really divide?

Chances are, the reasons for our disputes are different than you might think. Stay with us as we consider not only why we fight, but how to defuse that conflict. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians.

I'm Dave Drury, and if you're in the middle of a difficult relationship right now or know someone who is, we want to help. In the second half of Chip's message, Why We Fight with Those We Love, he'll share how to turn that relationship around and begin to restore it. So if you have a Bible, go now to James chapter 4 as Chip starts by explaining the pitfalls of trusting power, possessions, or pleasure to satisfy relational longings. Let's go back and play out what the lie is then. He says we believe the lie. The lie basically is hedonism, and hedonism is a worldview that promises that I will be fulfilled by pleasure.

How I feel is the value of what's right and what's wrong. I know I'm married. I know I'm supposed to do this, but I don't feel loved anymore, therefore. I know it's wrong, and I know God says only to put pure things in my mind, but when I log onto the internet and I see all those naked pictures, it makes me feel alive.

I know we don't have the money. I know I shouldn't spend it, but when I go through and I buy one, two, three, four more pairs of shoes and two more dresses and I come home, I get a little rush and I feel alive and good again until the MasterCard bill comes and we have yet another fight in our home with my husband. See, the lie is fulfilling your sensual pleasure will deliver significance, security, joy, and fulfillment. That's hedonism. And we have three prominent passions in hedonism. Number one is the desire to have, possessions. Number two is the desire to feel, pleasure. And number three is the desire to be, power. Possessions, pleasure, and power. And that's why all the marriage experts say, what do couples argue about? Money, sex, kids, and in-laws.

Did I miss anybody here? And if you think through those four things, what you find is in your heart, you have selfish gratification about how we should spend our money. And she thinks you need to remodel the kitchen and those new pink golf clubs are not that much, or you could join the country club or get a new motor for the boat. You know, she thinks, he thinks, she thinks, he thinks, kids think. And it plays out. We buy the lie that sensual pleasure will meet my inner longings for fulfillment.

And that lie leads us to betray a trust. And we become spiritual adulteresses. I came across an interesting article by a scholar who does most of his research in the background of books of the New Testament. I'm in Jeremiah and just finished Isaiah. And God, over and over and over, as his people go and worship idols, he calls them what?

Adulters. He says he's to be their true love and they're going out under trees and worshiping Baal or in some instances there was a big fire and a God with his arms out and they would build a huge fire and they'd literally take their children and toss it up into the fire to appease the God of Baal. And he talks about under every tree my people are worshiping idols that they've made with their own hands.

And this scholar writes this. He goes on to say, this form of expression may offend the modern ears but the picture of Israel as the bride of God and God as the husband of Israel has something very precious in it. It means that to disobey God is like breaking a marriage vow. It means that all sin is a sin against love. It means that our relationship to God is not like the distant relationship of a king and subject or master and a slave but like the intimate relationship between a husband and a wife. It means that when we sin we break God's heart and as the heart of one partner in marriage may be broken by the desertion of another. So when we sin we become spiritual adulterers and break our vow with God.

And that's what James is saying. I don't know anything that is happening in our day that breaks God's heart more than a church that has fallen in love with the world. And we are living in this day.

I don't cry over a whole lot of stuff but I cry over this. I am so so deeply disturbed. And this is the reason why the divorce rate among Christians is the same or worse than the divorce rate among unbelievers. You see we've bought the same line. We've watched the same shows. We've put the same garbage into our mind and we're expecting different results. And then we refashion the Jesus message to make him our cosmic vending machine where what we want him to do is deliver the great marriage and the wonderful families and the gated community and the upward mobility and our kids that turn out right that marry people even smarter than them that have more letters behind their name than we had that make more money than we do and we all come together in Thanksgiving and sing Kumbaya and love Jesus.

And at the heart and the center we have bought a lie that says, you know what I've got to have personal power and I've got to have money and I've got to have pleasure. And if you look at the broad scope of evangelical born again believers in the United States, about 2.5% of all the believers in America even tithe. That's 10%.

2.5%. Not even proportional giving. If you walk into the living rooms of most Christians in America, if you put on a little recorder and you recorded everything they watched from 6 o'clock until 12 o'clock at night, and then you played it back and then you did that with every unbelieving household, you wouldn't see a nickel's worth of difference. We have a generation of believers that have become hooked on sensual pornography, soaps, romance novels. We have a church that has embraced the world to such a degree.

I don't think we're in the salt and light business anymore where we're impacting the world culture. I think it appears that we're in the kind of trying to hold off a bit of the darkness and it transforming the church. And I don't mean that now. I'm a pastor.

I love my fellow pastors and there are wonderful glowing exceptions of which I hope every person in this room is and your churches are radically different. But this problem isn't new. I mean, this is in the first century. The first century church was struggling with falling in love with the world.

But when they fell in love with the world, they didn't blink and say, well, you know, every other Christian's doing it and it must not be that bad. You know how we develop our convictions? We develop our convictions by finding someone who's doing a little worse than us and say, well, they're doing this, at least I'm doing this.

And then we find someone that down deep in our heart doesn't feel quite right. And since we have a generation of people that don't know the Bible anymore, don't read it very often and don't study it hardly at all, you don't have a standard. And so pretty soon you find someone you admire and say, well, they do that.

And I always thought that was wrong, but if they do it, I guess it's OK. And pretty soon we got sheep following sheep. And see, I didn't grow up as a Christian, so you need to hear what those unbelievers out there think. I didn't grow up as a Christian. You know what guys like me grew up thinking? What are you telling me about this Jesus stuff? It's not working for you. I mean, I'm sorry.

That's just what I thought. What are you telling me about this love stuff? Your marriage doesn't hold together. You guys scream at each other.

Your daughter's sleeping around like everybody else. Man, you're headlong into materialism. So what are you talking to me about this difference Jesus makes in your life? And it's not doom and gloom, but I would suggest that maybe some of our most difficult problems that we're facing individually and in the church today is that we believed a lie, we've betrayed a trust, and that we are like a wayward wife to our husband who is the bridegroom Jesus.

And so we have become an enemy when we buy that lie. And notice what it says, he yearns jealously for the spirit he made, but he gives more grace. Well, how does he give more grace? It says here we make ourselves an enemy, so he gives more grace.

How does he give more grace? He's opposed to the proud. What did he say in the beginning was the core of interpersonal problems?

Pride, selfishness. What's God opposed to? It means he's against. It doesn't mean he tolerates it. It doesn't mean that he winks at it. It doesn't mean that, well, you know, I'm not really happy with this and I wish you could kind of clean it up. It means he's against it.

When he's against it, that means he brings consequences, not because he's down on you, because he loves you. When you mismanage your money, you mismanage your time, you mismanage your priorities. When you put stuff in your mind that will pollute your mind, when you think that vicarious gratification by reading, you know, romance novels or checking onto pornography is going to meet the deepest needs, God, out of his great love, is going to go, okay, you know, let's see, we'll work on their health.

No, that didn't. Okay, we can shut down that business. We'll have one of their kids go through cancer. He'll do whatever it takes, people, because he loves you, and we're going to be a pure bride. We're going to be a pure bride one way or another because his reputation is at stake. His reputation.

This is not about you and your life and what people, it is about his reputation. Jesus said, they will know that the Father sent me because what? How you love one another. This is how my Father is exclaimed or exalted, the word is glorified, when you bear much fruit. What's fruit? What's fruit? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control. It's being like Christ. Bear much fruit.

It's not only exhibiting from the inside out the very character and the nature of Christ, but it's also bearing much fruit in terms of fulfilling God's agenda, reaching out to others, lost people coming to Christ through your life, found people growing to maturity through your life, mature people reproducing their life, developing leaders, your life. That's the agenda. The agenda is not, how can I be happy?

How can I be fulfilled? I don't care what Maslow says. It's not about self-actualization. It's about Christ-actualization.

It's about abiding in Christ. And you know what? We're all smart enough. Here's the thing about us believers.

On the one hand, we're real smart, and on the other, it's like I look at us and we think, are we dumb? Who is the group of people that have most successfully fulfilled the world's agenda? All you have to do, it's easy.

This is not a trick question. Go to the grocery store and start at the magazine racks. Just look at the magazine racks, sports, entertainment, over here, over here, over here, over here. Okay, here's all the faces, all the people, all the names who have zillions of dollars, play on these teams, have had multiple surgeries, are pretty, pretty, pretty, and are married, divorced, married, divorced, married, divorced, living with, not happy. The people that have the greatest looks, the greatest money to fulfill the world's system, help me.

Are they not the most miserable of all people on the earth? And so what do we do? We have the Lord, so we try and be like them.

So what do we do? See, this isn't theoretical. And the seduction of the world is not something that you get hit in the face and go, wow, I'm a worldly friend of the world Christian and I may be, maybe some of these difficult areas of my life really have to do with, you know, I'm God's enemy and I never thought about that.

No, it's like, it's so seductive. It's like when you go out to the beach and you're playing and, you know, when you were a kid and you look back on the beach and your parents were right there and you're playing, you know, in the water and heaven and around, and pretty soon you look up and, man, my parents are gone. Where did they go? They didn't go anywhere.

You were here and as the currents went, you can be a mile away and you never know it. I don't think the average born again genuine believer in Jesus Christ in America is waking up every one day saying, you know, I know I really love God, but I think I'm going to embrace the world. I think I'm going to try and live just like they are because I want all the negative consequences and I want to be a terrible witness and, you know, my marriage, you know, who wants it to last more than 8 or 10 years anyway? And, you know, the conflict with kids and alimony, it's really kind of fun. You know, all these sexual addictions and food addictions, bulimia. I mean, you know, I mean, these counselors need money, so if I, no one does that. But that's where we're landing, people. So what's the solution? He gives us the solution where he gives us a prescription. And we're going to get the prescription in verses 7 through 10.

It is very direct. God's prescription is humble yourself and God will heal your relationships. Humble yourself and God will heal your relationships. Write those two words, humble yourself and God will restore. I'm going to read this passage and there are 7, actually 10 staccato verbs that are commands.

And by staccato, I mean it's bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. He's going to give us 7 to 10 specific things that we need to do that will be a picture of how to humble yourself. You can circle the words, but number one, submit, circle yourselves, therefore, to God. Two, resist the devil and he'll flee from you. Three, draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Four, cleanse your hands, you sinners. And five, purify your hearts, you men of double mind. Six, be wretched and mourn. Seven, weep. Eight, let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to dejection. Circle laughter.

Ten, humble yourselves before the Lord and he will exalt you. Submit, resist, draw near, cleanse, purify, be miserable, mourn, weep. Let your laughter be turned or literally have your laughter turned around. This isn't just don't laugh. This is the haughty kind of laughter where people are rejoicing and reveling in sin.

That's the picture of this word. And as you study those things, what you see is it is developed in four clear steps toward humility or to diffuse conflict. Number one, give in to God.

Write that in the line above there. Submit yourselves therefore to God. The word submit here is in a tense of the verb that has a sense of urgency. It's a compound word, hupo to be under and taso to be under the rank. It's like falling into line or rank in the military. It's to take God as your commander, as your captain.

It's a picture of a group of military people all walking like this and you are out of step. What he's saying is you're out of step with the Spirit. How do you get in step with the Spirit? Very, very clearly it is obey the known will of God revealed in Scripture. Give in to God voluntarily from the heart.

That's the idea. You might write just one word after that. Give in to God. Put an arrow and write the word surrender and put a box around it.

It's really what it is. Surrender. Submit your will. Submit your future. Submit your relationships. Submit your agenda.

Submit your desires. And you say, God, here's what I'm going to do. I have unconsciously. I didn't mean to.

I didn't realize it. You brought me to this place at this time to help reveal it. The light bulbs are going off in my mind. My spirit is so convicted. I want you to know right now I surrender. I submit to you. I want you to know that as I begin to think about your word and I know it's going to be a journey, but I'm going to submit my finances to you.

I'm going to submit my schedule to you. I'm going to submit my relationships, my job, my ministry. I submit to you. You are the general. You're the commanding officer. You're the king. You're the CEO. And I'm coming for orders. You tell me what to do.

That's what I want to do. That's the first step in humbling yourself. It's obeying what you know. The second step is get tough with Satan. Notice the word resist the devil and he'll flee from you. Resist has the prefix anti. It means to be against him and to take a stand.

It's to take a stand against the enemy. There is no middle ground. You can't play with him. And the word devil, I mean, who is this? He's the slanderer, the liar, the deceiver.

He's the seducer. Has anyone seen a Forbes where you can go through a Forbes magazine and not somehow feel like, man, if I was really, really rich and I'd be really, really powerful, then it'd be really, really important. You know, it's different strokes for different folks. It's a lust of the flesh for some.

For others, it's that magazine you look at and you see all those beautiful houses and all that beautiful furniture and all this or that dream vacation. You could go to Scotland and do this and you go to this, go to this, go to this. And it'd always go from one thing to another. Yet who's behind that? Who's selling you the bill of goods if you had, if you could, if you possessed, if you look like that? If you just had enough money to have some of those surgeries like they had on TV, then you could walk down the staircase.

And all your friends would go, ah, who is that? That's a woman or a man who they've shaved off 35 pounds with surgery and another 20 pounds with exercise. And they have poked, jabbed, pushed. I won't go any farther than that. Made up, died, broken jaws, put in new teeth, rearranged noses. And under special lighting for one moment, woo. And here's my theory.

Visit that woman or that man in three years and they'll look exactly like they did three years before. Resist the devil and he'll flee from you. Get tough with Satan, put an arrow and write the word fight and put a box around it. You got to fight. You got to fight.

Ephesians 6 tells us how to put on the full armor of God. Look, it's a promise. If you resist, he'll flee. But you got to get angry with it. You got to say, I don't want to be that. I don't want to think of that. You got to say, no more internet for me.

I'm not going to watch that stuff. You have to cut off the supply lines. You got to fight.

You got to say, there's a world system. It is purposely seeking to seduce me. And you got to put up the guard and the armor. And you got to say to yourself, you know what? I can't let that in our home.

I've got a good friend that had a pornography problem. He just doesn't have the internet. He just doesn't have it. You say, well, that's drastic. Yeah, that's drastic.

He's just kind of saving his marriage, saving his life, walking with God, changing his life. He just happens to know he's weak. Where are you weak? Where are you weak?

In the area of media? I would dare you to do something. You probably won't do this, but I'll dare you anyway.

Double, double dare. I dare you to go on a media fast for 10 days. No TV.

Not even the news. 10 days. First two days, you want to kill each other because you'll be so irritable. And then you'll recognize we actually spend hours that we didn't know in front of this thing. Then pretty soon you'll start getting creative and you'll have all kind of time and start doing some things you always wanted to do. About day number six through eight, you'll start actually having some fun. Day number nine, you won't miss it very much. Day number 10 or 11, you'll realize, oh, hey, and you'll start watching something and you'll watch a commercial and you'll go, oh, man, that is gross.

Because what'll happen is you won't be dumbed down. Your spiritual sensitivities will come back alive and you'll realize, man, there's a hook in that commercial. And did you notice how the camera panned and went to that guy's body part or that woman's body part?

Did you see? And all of a sudden, all the subliminal messages, your spirit will pick them up and you'll fight and you'll say, man, I'm not buying that stuff. But I tell you what, the passive I want to try harder, be a better person someday some way will not make it. Third, he says, draw near to God and he'll draw near to you. Right in there, get close to God. Get close to God and then draw an arrow and in the box write return. Return to God.

What he wants you to know, he loves you, he's for you, he cares about you. Anything you think the world in power or sex or pleasure or a boat or a better golf score or what plastic surgery could ever provide, Jesus says, it's all a lie. It's all temporary. I love you just for you. I have joy that circumstances can't change. I want to give you something in your heart that's called peace, not pseudo peace. I want you to be able to sit in a room where you don't have to turn on the TV or the stereo or run over to the refrigerator every time you have a little bit of unrest in your soul. I want to give you joy that even when bad news happens, it wells up in you. I want to love you, I want to care for you. I want to tie you into me and let you understand where real life comes, abundant life to the full. Isn't that what he promised? I came that you might have life and you could have it to the max.

This isn't like getting second rate stuff. This is like seeing the junk for what it is and then you negatively got to fight but then you draw near to God, you return. And what's the promise say? He'll draw near to you.

Isn't that awesome? This is a picture of the prodigal and the father. He didn't run after the prodigal, did he? He allowed the consequences to get in the prodigal's life. By the time the kid is eating the pig slop, he finally has an aha moment. This ain't good.

The slaves have it better. But the moment he returned, the word, right, and began to come back to the father, what did the father do? Study that passage carefully.

He does a number of things that break culture. He runs to meet. That means he had to pick up his robe.

That means he embarrassed himself in the city. He ran to meet his son. God wants to run to meet some of you. And some of you are so overwhelmed with guilt and so, got so much baggage and so much junk and feel like you're so unworthy and you've been through so much. He's a God of grace. If you've fallen into a 15-foot hole, he will lower a 16-foot rope. And if you've fallen into a 300-foot hole and you can say, I had two abortions, I've had four marriages, I'm a perpetual liar, I'm stealing from the company right now, my whole life is a mess, I'm 300 feet of just dirt and I feel like a terrible person, God said, I brought you here because I have a 301-foot rope.

Just grab it, babe, I love you. I died for you. I have a plan for you.

I want to restore you. Well, how do you draw near to God? It's not just an emotional experience. How do you draw near to God?

Well, since many of you are on that media fast because I double-double dared you and some of you can't resist that, with all this time, you know what you'll find? Just start reading through the New Testament. Just start taking walks instead of watching TV and talk to God. And when you're hurt, tell him you're hurt.

When you're angry, just express it and tell him you're angry. And then the things and the needs that you don't have, ask him for. Get in the scriptures, begin to pray, and then, you know what? Every New Testament command I can find is in the second person plural.

There might be an exception or two. That means I'm never expected to live this radical New Testament revolutionary life alone. I've got to do it with people. And you get in the scriptures and you begin to pray and you get with some people that are making progress with the Lord and you find some music and a Bible-teaching church that teaches the Word and lives authentic lives. And you know what? You're drawn near to God. He's going to draw near to you. And all the things you thought that we're going to deliver through your hedonism, that you're being brainwashed like I'm being brainwashed day after day after day, God says, I'm going to give you better and lasting both now and forever.

The final thing he says is get right with others. Notice the phrase here. Cleanse your hands. Purify your hearts.

You know what? That's the outward. What are you doing with your hands that is wrong? Cleanse them.

Then not just externally but internally. Purify your hearts. Where are your motives? Let there be tears for the wrong that you've done.

And so there's a private purification where you cleanse your hands. And you know what it is? You don't hear this much anymore. Are you ready for this? Some of you, a number of things have come up in your mind. I've just sort of thrown a few little bombs out. Have you noticed? You know, the soaps over here, romance novels over here, pornography over here, materialism.

Just in case you missed the bombs, this is a review, all right? A little bitterness in your heart, unforgiveness toward an ex, toward a mom, a dad, one of your kids, right? You know what cleanse your hands, purify your hearts is? Stop sinning. Stop it.

Okay, you ready? I'm going to do this again. It's very complicated. Stop sinning.

I mean, we get this like, yeah, I will, you know, I'm going to have to process this, maybe see my counselor. You know what? Is it wrong? Stop it. Repent. That's the word. Right. Get right with others.

Arrow in a box, then right. Repent. Now, do you need help?

Yeah. Do you need to see a pastor or friend? But if you have wronged someone, make it right. Cleanse your hands. If you have bitterness in your heart, if you have resentment, if you have anger fantasies, purify your heart.

Purge it. Tell God you're sorry. If you need to apologize to someone, go apologize to them. But just say, I'm going to get right with God. I'm going to get right with others. Then notice the final thing he says in verse 10. He says, humble yourself, therefore, under the mighty hand of God.

Why? That he may exalt you. He's told us that the problem is interpersonal relationships, that it's really selfishness.

He said the lie that we've believed is hedonism, the whole pleasure mentality, the playboy mentality of our day. But he says, you know something? Submit to God. Resist the devil. Draw near to God. And then get right with others. And then he says, that is the actions of humbling yourself before God. And here's what he'll, he wants to literally, here's the word. He wants to lift you up. He wants to restore you. I wish I had time to go over couple after couple and men who've had 20 years of pornography, internet addiction, and people that have been on drugs in the places I've had the privilege of pastor where I've watched them humble themselves, come and say, God, I'm bankrupt, and do exactly what we've talked about here.

And the Lord has weaned them from the world, and they've been returned to their first love, the Lord Jesus. And is it easy? No. Is it humbling? You know, some of you are thinking, well, if I made it right, I might have to go like actually apologize to someone, like an ex-mate or an ex-boss.

This could go public. This would be humiliating. Humiliation comes from the same root word as humble. You see, when we finally get to where it ain't about me and this ain't about you, is let's just be right. You know, people don't think any of us are near as good as we think they think they are anyway, right? I mean, we're all projecting a little bit better, and most of us see through what we're projecting.

It takes more energy to hide and cover and project that we're better than it does to come absolutely clean and say, I blew it. I was wrong. I'm sorry. God has forgiven me, and I lied with you. And you know what I find?

People are pretty merciful with people that are humble. Chip will be right back with his application for this message, Why We Fight With Those We Love, from his series, Five Lies That Ruin Relationships. In this ten-part series, Chip describes the common lies we tend to believe that can completely wreck our most treasured relationships. He'll also uncover the source of our quarreling, the ways words can deeply wound those we love, and how not to make decisions.

Discover the practical ways we can apply God's truth to confront and dispel these harmful lies. If you've missed any part of this series or want to share it with a friend, let me encourage you to check out the Chip Ingram app. Just before I come back and talk about some application for you in today's program, I just want to pause and thank those of you who are our monthly partners. You know, there's a significant group of people that each and every month, all various sizes, give monthly to Living on the Edge, and it is such a joy to know that there's stability and income that we know that's coming in that allows us to plan in really significant ways. And if you're one of those, I just want to say praise God and thank you very much.

It's an indication of your heart. It means that you're aligning with our mission, and I pray that God richly blesses you. Well, as Chip said, if you're already supporting us financially, we appreciate you. With your help, Living on the Edge is ministering to more people than ever before.

But if you're benefiting from this ministry in some way and haven't yet taken that step, now would be a great time to join us. To send a gift or to become a monthly partner, visit LivingOnTheEdge.org or the Chip Ingram app and tap the donate button. Or if it's easier, text the word donate to 74141. That's donate to 74141. Thank you in advance for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do.

Well, here again is Chip with some final application. As we close today's program, there are four specific steps toward humility, and the promise is when you humble yourself, God will lift you up. He will help you.

Let me review them quickly. Number one, give in to God. Submit yourselves, therefore, to God.

The key word is surrender. Second, get tough with Satan. Resist the devil, and he'll flee from you.

You may need some help on what that looks like and how to do it. Number three, get close to God. The promise, draw near to God, and he'll draw near to you. Open the scriptures, read the Psalms, cry out to God.

He longs to help you in your pain. And number four, get right with others. Repent. If you need to make something right, make it right. This is one of those messages you need to get the notes, download them for free, and then you can walk through it. There's discussion questions and an outline that will help you put this into practice. Father, I pray for those in conflict who need to take the first step, that they'll go to the web today and they'll hear your voice and begin to put into practice what it looks like to humble themselves so that you can lift them up.

In Jesus' name, amen. You'll find the message notes Chip just mentioned in a couple of places. Go to livingontheedge.org and click the Broadcasts tab. App listeners, tap Fill in Notes. You'll get his outline, all of his scripture references and lots of fill-ins to help you remember what you're learning. They really help you get the most out of every program. So I hope you'll take advantage of this resource the next time you listen. Well, for Chip and the entire team here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. .