Five Lies that Ruin Relationships - Why We Wound Others with Our Words, Part 1

When life gets tough, people start the blame game. At work, at home, we start blaming one another. And when we blame, then gossip, slander, rumors, lies.

Words have amazing power for good or for evil. Today, we're going to talk about how to control what comes out of your mouth and how to deal with the lies and the pain inflicted on you. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this daily discipleship program, Motivating Christians to Live Like Christians. I'm Dave Drouy, and we're in the middle of Chip's timeless series, Five Lies That Ruin Relationships, based in the book of James. In this program, he'll identify the next common lie that can destroy our friendships and family ties, and it revolves around the power of our words. But before we begin, if this is your first time listening to Living on the Edge, or you just want to learn more about what we do, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org. There you'll find tons of resources on a wide range of topics and countless programs to enjoy.

Or if you prefer, the Chip Ingram app is also a great way to get plugged in with our ministry. So if you're ready, turn in your Bibles now to James 4, verses 11 and 12, and let's join Chip for today's talk. Few things have the power to ruin a relationship like critical, accusing, defaming, hostile, inaccurate, and even slanderous words.

Think about that. Few things in all the world have the power to literally destroy or ruin a relationship like critical, accusing, defaming, hostile, inaccurate, or even slanderous words. And if you're wondering about whether that's really true or not, let me ask you a few questions. Has anyone ever said anything about you that was untrue, misinformed, negative, judgmental? Has anyone ever communicated something behind your back and you found out about it that they wouldn't say to your face? Anyone been critical of you? Anyone said something to another person that questioned your motives, your integrity, your character? Has that ever happened to anybody in here? It sure has to me.

Now here's the next question. How did it make you feel? Imagine if you can, let your mind go back to, not in general, but who's the person that did it? What was the situation? The last most, I mean, emotionally charged time where you were criticized, slandered, were the object of people questioning your integrity? Maybe people at work over here, or worse yet, people in church saying this, or even miscommunication in the family relationship.

You know how extended families get? How did it make you feel? What happened inside your heart? What happened to the relationship?

Can you think of a good relationship that was destroyed because of this? Anybody here a part of the church that was split, or a family that doesn't talk anymore, or an office that's been turned into bitter politics because there's little innuendo over here? And in fact, there's such an atmosphere that when people walk into other people's offices, people go, I wonder what they're talking about. Or you unconsciously think, I bet they're talking about me.

Here's all I can tell you. I've had lots of ups and downs in my life, and by the grace of God, I've had chances to travel in countries all over the world, and I've had guys in countries where we were going to share Christ, point submachine guns at my head, and wonder, oh my, I wonder if we're going to make it through this one. But emotionally, in terms of turmoil, nothing has been more painful in my life than when people have either questioned my integrity, slandered my name, really questioned. Now, there's times my motives have been lousy, okay?

Let me just get that on the table. But you know the times when they're good and someone questions it? Or someone says something about you that is blatantly untrue, and it starts to get broadcast to other people, and you begin to get this feedback from other people through then second sources, third sources, and fourth sources that you're really this kind of person, or you did this or you did that. And I can tell you I've lost more night's sleep and have felt more angry and more hurt than any single thing in all the world is when people have, by their tongue, attacked me or someone that I love. And what we're going to find out is not only why this happens and why it happens in the church, why we wound others with our words, but I praise God, we're going to learn how to cut this off at the pass, how to begin to eliminate this in our relationships, and beginning with us in our own life. So James 4, we're going to look at verses 11 and 12, and listen to what James says. He says, Brothers, do not slander one another.

That's a command. Now he's going to give a reason. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. And now he's going to make some logical deductions. When you judge the law, you're not keeping it, but you're sitting in judgment on it. And then verse 12, he's going, well, wait a second, you've kind of got the wrong job description. There is only one lawgiver and judge, the one who is able to save and destroy, but you.

Put a circle around the little phrase, but you, because everything so far is in the second person plural. He's talking to the church, the church, the church brothers, brothers. In fact, in this translation, it says one another, literally in the text, it's brothers.

When you do this against one another, the idea is in general, but it's brothers. And then now, but you is singular. He's now shifting from this is a problem.

Literally the translation could be stop slandering one another. It's in the present tense. So habitually, this was occurring in this church. He says, stop doing it. And then now that's in general.

Now the, but you is singular. Who are you, individual, to judge your neighbor? Now to get the spirit of it, you know, I like circles and boxes. In verse 11, put a box in your notes around the word brother, put a box around the phrase one another, then skip down to the next line, put a box around the word brother, and then go all the way to the bottom and put a box around the word neighbor. I mean, there's only two verses, but do you see that this is a highly relational context that this happens among people who are committed and ought to be loving and caring for one another?

Brother, brother, brother, neighbor. And when he talks about the royal law, remember in Leviticus when Jesus was asked, you know, what's the greatest of all the commands? And he talks about loving your who as yourself, love your neighbor as yourself. Now there's three strong verbs, so I want you to put a line under the word slander, and then I want you to put a line under the phrase speaks against that happens in the second line, and then another line under speaks against. So the issue he's talking about has to do with brothers, neighbors, and relationships, and then he's going to use the word slander, and then he's going to use this word speaking against, kata down against to tear down, laleo, the idea to say or to speak.

And then the final thing I want you to do, you're going to have to figure out whether a box or a circle is going to work, is I just want you to notice, maybe you could put a number. This concept, he goes brothers, slander, then notice in the second who judges him. Judge, put a number one over that. Judges it, put a number two over that. When you judge number three, the law, you're not keeping it, but you're sitting in judgment, put a four under that one.

There's only one lawgiver and judge, put a five underneath that, and skip to the very end and put a six under, who are you to judge? Now basically what we've learned is basic Bible study skills. Bible study skills, you want to observe what's really going on, what does it say, then after you do the observations, what does it mean, and then you ask, what does it mean to me? And so the context, we know brother, brother, brother, neighbor, it's a relational context. We know it has to do with our speech because it's slander, speak against, speak against. And then we know there's something having to do with the law, but the emphasis has to do with judging. We are judging in a way that's inappropriate, and this text is going to teach us that there's only one true judge. Is that fair from what the Bible actually says there? So you're just learning Bible study methods.

Now let's break it down together. As I studied this passage, the first outline point for me is it's clear that we're commanded to stop tearing one another down by our slanderous speech. That's what he's saying. If you summarize the command, he's saying, stop, because it's happening, tearing one another down by your slanderous speech. And you say, well what is slanderous speech? The word slander means to say something untrue. And that's a decent translation, it's maybe not the very best translation because this word is a little bit more than slander. Slander is when I say something about someone that's untrue. This word, however, has the idea that I could say something that's true, but my tone of voice or my motives, I say something that's true, but my real goal is when I get done saying it, you think less of the person.

You know how we can say something true about a person, but you say it in such a way that, well, I mean, for someone with that kind of attitude or from that kind of family background and with all the other issues they have, you understand, right? The word speak against here is a compound word. It literally means to tear down, to say something negative about another person that leaves the impression that this person is less than than when you begin to speak about them. And so it is the speaking down, the tearing down, the defaming, there's a spirit of criticism, it's the idea of fault finding, it would include gossip, and it often has the connotation of saying these things when the other person's not around. If you wanted to summarize the idea of what it means to not have slanderous speech, it's when anything comes out of my mouth about another person and when I get done talking, you think less of him instead of more of him.

That's what's being prohibited. When anything comes out of your mouth and you're talking about your boss, your neighbor, your pastor, your friend, and when you get done speaking, the person who is hearing has a lower or more negative view of that person. James says, stop it. Strong command.

Is that clear? Second question is how is slanderous speech commonly practiced? I mean, is this just something that happened in the first century or does that happen here? I'm going to give you three quick examples. For me, there's kind of first degree slander, second degree slander, and third degree slander. First degree slander happens in normal conversation. You don't even mean it, it's not willful, it's not intentional, it's a coffee break, it's around the office cooler, it's in the car, it's around the dinner table, and it often happens as you're in the car driving from a worship service. And just in casual conversation, you say things about another person, and by the way, here's the deal, we're going to see this in a minute, this is so commonplace among Christians. This is so a part of how we think and how we operate. It's not like we see something terrible and we go, oh, I can't believe I did that.

We do this so unconsciously when we're doing it most of the times, and everyone else does it, we don't even see it as a big deal. Well, you know what, I don't know about you, what did you think? Oh, gosh, the music today, it was really loud, it was really loud. Do you really think it's appropriate to wear a pink shirt with purple polka dots and lead worship? And did you see Ethel up there? Yeah, that blue dress, someone's got to tell her, that blue dress just doesn't make it with her figure. And what do you think, I don't know, five minutes long again, I thought we were supposed to get out on time, I don't know.

Who picks out the colors for these hallways? Why are we spending all the money on, and you know the elders, I don't know what's with these guys, but they are so insensitive to just common conversation in the car. I can't believe our boss. He didn't ask my opinion, and then here, did you sit in that meeting? Did you see what he said?

Did you see how he said it? You know that PowerPoint presentation, you know, my fifth grade daughter could make a better one than that, you know. Just a normal conversation. Second degree slander is in the form of prayer request.

Ooh. Someone walks up, and it usually starts with, I really shouldn't say anything. By the way, when someone says that, a good answer is, then don't. It starts out with, I really shouldn't say anything, but so that you can pray, and please don't pass this on, but Bob and Judy need prayer. Oh, really?

Why? Well, they're having troubles, you know. I mean, ever since, you know, their son that had the drug problem, oh, you didn't know about the drug problem, well, you can pray about that too. So in the form of a prayer request, we say things to people that, do they pray?

I hope so. But their evaluation of that person goes down a number of notches. First degree is normal conversation. Second degree slander is in the form of prayer request.

Third degree slander for me is under the guise of getting help with a problem relationship. I don't know if this has ever happened to you. I've actually done this one on multiple occasions, I'm ashamed to say. And this is when you've got a real problem situation. It's often in the church. It can be in a family situation. This happens all the time in work situations. And you find a person, and you usually have chosen, consciously or unconsciously, this person because they're very strategic. Because when you get done talking, especially if it's going to be a big problem, you want this person's view of reality framed.

And you want it framed through your lens, not the lens of the other person. And so what you say is something like, you know, I've really got a pretty significant problem with Joe. And, you know, I need your counsel. See, people always like to give counsel. It makes them feel like they're smart and they're needed. And so let me define the problem for you and let me analyze it.

And so, you know, in light of his family background and his little time with the company, and, you know, he's had that history you're probably aware of, you know, with the temper with other employees. And, you see, we had this situation. And what I do is I'm under the guise of asking for help in a problem. I frame the problem.

I analyze the problem. And I become the victim. And I share all the dirty laundry of the person that I'm supposedly getting help for.

And what it does is it neatly frames the situation so that if there's a political big thing that's going to happen at the office, I've now taken a power person and they understand it from my perspective. If there's going to be a big breakdown with, you know, which part of the church is going to be for this pastor, which is going to be against. If it's a family situation and, you know, it's a mother-in-law and it could divide the family, then what I want to make sure is everyone understands how lily pure I am. And in light of all the different things she's done with all the other kids over time. And, you know, when she did come out of rehab, she probably still has some things she's struggling with. But, you know, I believe people need good psychological treatment. She's had years of it.

So I don't know. Maybe it's a relapse. Of course, on the medication that she's on, you know, it's probably not her fault. You know, it's probably an adverse reaction. She's just having a bad day.

And if I took those many pills, then I would probably react that way as well. And it's called third degree slander. And James says, stop it. So why do even sincere Christians, and this is the deal, why do sincere Christians get caught in the web of speaking against each other?

How could this happen to people that love God? And I'll give you two reasons. Reason number one is this is where I think we buy the lie. And when it comes to relationships, it's very subtle, but here's the lie I think that we believe. If other people would shape up, my life would work out. I have a conflict with my wife, a conflict with my boss, a conflict with one of my kids, a conflict in a church situation, and underneath, it's a very subtle lie. If this person would shape up, if they would just stop doing this and start doing this, if they would just start doing this and stop doing that, things would be fine. The problem is the other person.

And so what I have to do is I have to slant it in such a way that I say words that put them down and words that put me up so that others can really see what the real situation is so that person can change. See, the problem is the other person. The problem is my boss, it's not me. The problem is my wife, it's not me.

The problem is my, after all we've done for our son, he's 17 years old and he's doing this, the problem isn't us, we're great, loving, amazing parents, it's him. The problem isn't me, it's that pastor. Or the problem isn't me, the pastor, it's that church. So we think it's the other person's problems and we share things with other people like, well, you know, my husband being as insensitive as he is, he's just not meeting my needs. And you share that with a person of the opposite sex to get sympathy, and that's how bad things go. Or, you know, my wife, you know, I don't know, it's her family background, you've got to understand, but all she does is nag, she's nagging and criticizing and, you know, in my lens I don't even feel like going home anymore. You know, all the while the wheels are turning and there's hurts and issues. Or, you know, it's my boss, it's his lack of compassion, it's his lack of skill.

He just doesn't have expertise to do the job. You see, the problem is the other person. You know, it's the elders, they're not sensitive.

It's the pastor, he's got hang-ups, he's not accessible. And so what we do unconsciously, and by the way, I'm not saying you do it willfully, I'm saying unconsciously there is a lie. And the lie is there's interpersonal conflict or there is a problem and you unconsciously zoom to the solution.

If that person would shape up, then things would get better. And if that's the assumption, you will find things coming out of your mouth that push them down and position you up. And you say, well, why would I do that? I'll give you my reasons of why I do it.

And if they fit, you can wear them. And if they're too convicting, you can wear them later. When I find myself doing this, it's to cast blame and avoid responsibility. When I do this, I often find myself, what I'm really doing is justifying my behavior because if I'm part of the problem, then I've got to deal with some of my stuff. Often when I do this, people have hit home and I'm afraid I'm going to be rejected and the best defense is often a good offense. So if you're afraid that you're going to be rejected, what you do is you put down the other person first.

I found it very effective, by the way. Fourth, I find myself doing this to mask my insecurity. I mean, I'll tell you, your life will get a lot better if you can just realize everyone on the planet is desperately insecure and they just figure out creative ways to mask it like you do and like I do.

I don't care how old they get, how mature they get, how well they know the Lord. We all make progress. We're desperately insecure people. The final thing that I find myself is I do this to get other people on my side. If I see sort of a storm cloud brewing and there's going to be real problems, I unconsciously begin to drop little nuggets that speak down, that are critical, that put down, that show people in a negative light so that I will be seen in a positive light. So when the conflict comes in my mind, in my flesh, somehow I'll come out of it a little bit better. Now, I hope none of those are your situation, but if any of those happen to be things that you've ever done, I think that's why we speak against, and it has become common in Christian circles. This is just a part of the fabric of the church.

It is now, it was then. Notice, what do you have circled in your notes? Brother, one another, brother, neighbor.

What do you have underlined? Don't slander. Don't speak against. Don't speak against.

Apparently it's happening. So the first reason I think we get caught up, we buy the lie, and the second is just the perverse appetite we have for information. Proverbs 26, 22 says, Gossip is so tasty, how we love to swallow it.

It is so sickening, but we all just love to hear yucky stuff about other people. Don't we? I mean, how in the world, I don't know why, one of my great theological educations is now and then, my wife does not like to grocery shop. Now, she does it most of the time, but especially on my day off, I will go with her because just doing things, two things we do together now and then, grocery shopping and writing out the bills.

We both hate to do it. So, you know, she makes the list and does it all, but on my day off, I'll go and get a little basket, and I play a game and see how fast I can get all the stuff, and to me that's kind of fun because I like a challenge. But my education for the week is always when I go through the line with her, and our appetite for gossip. Do you realize how many magazines there are as you walk out of the grocery line that are geared totally toward finding out the gossip of the stars? And they sell. People want to know, and I mean these shocking headlines.

I mean, how in the world can you say, you know, name a star, has baby with alien. Boy, I want that one. Man, that's going to be great, you know. Or you want to know who's broken up with someone and who's living with someone else. What? There's something in our flesh that just loves gossip. And so we've looked at the passage, we've divined the problem, and now as we seek to deal with it, this issue of speaking against one another, it's multiplied, as I've said, by the fact that I think we're oblivious to it.

See, I don't think Christians are going, oh, my lands. That's terrible. It came out of my mouth. I've spoken against hearts that put a negative light. Oh, Jesus, please forgive me. I'm sorry. I think we do it.

I think we do it, and it rolls off our tongue, and I don't think it ever comes to our mind. You've been listening to part one of Chip's message, Why We Wound Others With Our Words. He'll be right back with his application for this teaching from his series, Five Lies That Ruin Relationships. Are you in the middle of a messy family situation or a painful relationship and wonder, how did it come to this?

Are you desperate to make it all right? Well, in this series, Chip's in the book of James unpacking for us five false ideas we believe about ourselves and others that can destroy our relationships. Don't miss what you can do to fix those broken bonds in your family and friendships today.

To learn more about this series, Five Lies That Ruin Relationships, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org, the Chip Ingram app, or call 888-333-6003. Chip's joined me in studio now, and Chip, before we get to your application, I was wondering if you'd take a few minutes to talk to a specific group of people out there. I've got to say, like never before, parents are discouraged. There are so many influences out there competing for the hearts and minds of kids, not to mention the outright rejection of traditional parenting. So would you encourage those moms and dads listening right now?

I'd be glad to, Dave. And let me just say, up front, parents, you matter so much. No one else, I mean, not even their friends, not the media, no one else has as much influence on your children as you do.

So don't lose confidence or perspective. Your presence in your son or daughter's life is absolutely vital. And if you're looking for some really purposeful ways to pour into their lives to really help your kids become the kind of kids that you long for them to become and God longs for them to become, we have a resource I think that's really going to help. It's called intentional parenting, and it comes from my friends Doug and Kathy Fields, and through their decades of parenting experience and working with young people, they've come up with ten crucial concepts to be intentional, God-honoring moms and dads to give their kids what they need. I just want to tell you personally, I've actually studied and written a book on parenting, but what Doug and Kathy have put together is some of the best stuff I've ever seen, and there's two ways to get it.

The first way is on these cards. They're intentional parenting cards. There's 43 of them that cover these ten practices, and it's just like in bite-sized little ways that remind you kind of on an ongoing basis how to invest in your kids. The second is we have a five-part video series called Intentional Parenting that Doug teaches. These are things you want to get your hands on if you want to make a difference in the lives of your kids.

Thanks, Chip. Well, if you'd like to get plugged in with the online course Doug teaches or our set of cards, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. Make today the day you choose to be more deliberate about your calling as a parent or grandparent. Again, to learn more about these intentional parenting resources, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003.

App listeners, tap Special Offers. Well, here again is Chip. As we close today's message, let me just say before we go any farther, if you feel like the Spirit of God has taken a silver bullet and shot you through the forehead of conviction and you're just listening and going, oh, my, I mean, if it's really sin to use words like that, I am drowning, man, I have blown it.

I want you to know I'm in that boat with you. I have taught this. If you think it's bad hearing it, you can't imagine when you have to study it and then preach it. And here's my other confession, is I get real clear on this one and then I make very specific steps and I see tremendous growth, and like a pendulum, I gradually swing back into getting sloppy with my speech and finding little words come out of my mouth that say something that puts someone in negative light. In fact, it was just a week ago, I had a friend over that I didn't know all that well and we were watching a football game and we were kind of getting caught up on each other's lies and I remember going to bed that night and it was just a very relaxing time and I was talking about long ago past history sort of catching each other up and the Spirit of God just said, Chip, you know, when you said this and this and this, it wasn't that I used anybody's names or this or that, but it was like, ooh. You know, I mean, we were just, quote, being vulnerable and I just, oh, brother, man, that's, you know what, that did not put them in a positive light.

That was wrong. I'm sorry, Lord. Okay, now I got to go back and I talked to that guy. I got to confess my sin. And by the way, there's three things that have helped me. Number one, it's been memorizing a key passage that stays focused on this, and mine is Ephesians 4 29. All my kids will tell you that whether you liked it or not, you memorize that. Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth, but only such a word is as good for edification according to the need of the moment that it may give grace to those who hear. If it doesn't give grace, as my grandma used to say, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. And so for me, it's that verse, and the other was Proverbs 10.

I read through Proverbs chapter 10 about once a month and I mean it's all about my tongue and I'm at least reminded. The second thing is, is making a commitment that whether it's little or big, when God convicts me, go apologize. I hate to do this. It's so humbling.

But just own it, apologize, and don't let it build up. And then the third thing for me is in my journal, that's a helpful practice for me, is write out honestly, you know, I so want to lie to myself, write out what you actually did or what you actually said and then ask God to forgive you. And when I see it in print, it is so distasteful that God uses that to motivate me to just keep my mouth shut or guard my mouth much better than before. I'm on the journey.

I hope those three things can be a help to you. But it starts with saying, God, you know what? I want my tongue to be a gift of life, not a tool of death, because there is life and death in the power of the tongue. Great reminder, Chip, thanks. Well, just before we close, I want to thank each of you who's making this program possible through your generous giving. 100% of your gifts are going directly to the ministry to help Christians really live like Christians.

Now, if you found this teaching helpful, but you're not yet on the team, would you consider doing that today? To send a gift, go to livingontheedge.org or text the word DONATE to 74141. It's that easy. Text DONATE to 74141 or visit livingontheedge.org. App listeners, just tap DONATE. And let me thank you in advance for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, until next time, for everyone here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. ...