How to Raise a Healthy Family in a Modern World - Guess Who's Behind Families that Thrive, Part 1

When you meet a family that is really thriving, I mean loving relationships, joy, a sense of unity and purpose, you will almost always find one special person who holds it together. Want a family that thrives? Stay with me.

That's today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Druey, and in just a minute, Chip kicks off his series, How to Raise a Healthy Family in a Modern World.

Whether you've got kids or grandkids or work with children at church or school, you know that raising a healthy Christian family is a huge challenge. So in this short series, Chip's going to uncover a few foundational truths that can make a difference in any family. And to help you get the most out of what Chip's going to teach, let me encourage you to use Chip's message notes while you listen. They include his brief outline and all the supporting scripture he references. To download these message notes, just go to the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org.

App listeners tap fill in notes. Okay, let's get going and join Chip for today's talk, Guess Who's Behind Families That Thrive. I believe there's never been a more difficult time to be a woman than in the world right now and especially America. Roles change, values change, a bombardment at a level of how you have or ought to look to be acceptable, what you need to accomplish. I mean the messages that a woman hears day after day and the demands as things keep changing so rapidly. I think even as a man and even as a husband, I don't think most of us get it, but we're going to get it today, okay? Proverbs chapter 31, if you have your Bible, go ahead and open to that.

It's an acrostic Hebrew poem by the wisest man in the world according to the Creator of the world. And there's a couple extremes you got to avoid in Proverbs 31. One is this is not her daily schedule, okay? If you're familiar with this, you know it starts out, I mean she's up before dawn, she buys a field.

I mean this like she takes off her robe and she's got Supergirl inside. This is not a woman's daily schedule. And the other extreme, this is not like, oh, those three verses I really like.

I think that's what I think a woman ought to do. I don't like those other verses. Now it's, here's what it is.

Instead of a snapshot, it's a movie. It's the collage of a woman's life and the various seasons of her life. And it takes, an acrostic is each letter of the Hebrew alphabet and these are the things that from God's perspective he most admires in a woman. And we'll talk about her marriage, her work, her home, her ministry, her personal life.

So are you ready? Let's dig in together. What is it that God most admires? And what he most admires is godly character. And that might sound sort of theological or just biblical.

No, no, no. Here's what it means. What God most admires, ladies and us gentlemen, is who you are. Not how you look and not what you've accomplished or have to accomplish. There's this drive inside in our culture. I'm not acceptable as a woman unless I look like the front of that magazine or the people portrayed on TV or in that movie or I have to accomplish all these things to be a someone.

God says no, no, no, no. Man sees on the outside. I look at the heart and who you really are is what matters most. And so there's four or five ways that your character, who you are, shows up. And the first is he admires godly character in a woman's marriage. It says a wife of noble or excellent character.

That's who you are. Who can find? Well what's her value? Her worth is far more than rubies.

What's the impact? Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. What does she do? She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. Guys, I want to tell you more than your job, more than any amount of money, more than golf, more than a hobby, the most precious possession if you're married is your wife.

And then God would say let's treat her like she's that precious. Second is this particular wife, her character such, her husband has confidence or she's trustworthy. He's not worried about her stepping out.

He's not worried about doing things they haven't agreed on. There's this confidence in this woman and her first priority, she does him good, not just on the front end but all the days of her life. She's faithful to him even when some of us are acting like jerks.

And here's the application. Don't take her for granted. And we all do. You find a great home, you find a home that's thriving, you find a marriage that's thriving, you find kids that were doing well. Guess who is always… Men, we have a great role, but boy, the glue of families, it's the mom, it's the wife. And so guys, what I want to say is treat her like your most precious possession. And ladies, here's one for you. The temptation in different season is to make work or your children a higher priority than your husband. Moms, if you want to have great kids, the greatest thing you can do is make your husband your number one priority because there's this thing that happens in the heart of a child when mom and dad are in love and connected and that's what really matters. First, there's a security that bubbles over into their life.

Unexplainable but absolutely true. The second way that God sees godly character is in a woman in her home. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

You might underline eager hands. She is like the merchant ships that bring food from and you might underline from afar. She gets up while it's still dark, underline still dark, and she provides food for her family and portions for her servants. It's a picture of a woman in her home.

And again, this is the general characteristic. This is not necessarily she's up at dawn every single day. But notice, she does it with eager hands. There's some women, they say, I love being a mom in this home. She's got this positive attitude.

It's not poor me or, you know, why doesn't anybody care more about me and I've got all these demands. She does it with eager hands and she's like, she's someone who really plans ahead. She's industrious, like a ship that is going to take whatever extreme to go from afar. This is someone who's thinking, you know something, I want the very best for my family. And boy, I've watched how you women do this.

She gets up while it's still dark. I've watched my wife, wow, especially when you have little ones. Years and years and years, the little lamp would come on while it was still dark and she would be sitting in a corner with her Bible realizing, man, there is no way married to this guy, which is a challenge, and then with these children and then all the demands and then my own personal life that, I mean, she was disciplined to make sure she got her soul fed first and then the lunches get packed. I mean, who keeps the schedule in most homes? I mean, the whole family schedule.

It's not you guys most of the time. She provides food for her family in portions. She manages the family. She's disciplined. She's industrious. And most days has this great attitude.

Here's the application. Be sensitive to the demands on her life. And by the way, can I just go on record? Men, we don't get this. We really don't.

And kids, you don't get it either. Peter Drucker is the father of modern management, one of my favorite authors. And he said the four hardest jobs in the world, number one, president of the United States, number two, the administrator of a hospital, number three, the pastor of a church, and number four, a mom at home with more than a couple kids. Why? You have to multitask. You have different constituents that all want different things with competing values. So if you're this hospital administrator, the patients really matter, but the nurses really matter, but the doctors really matter. But guess what? The board wants the return on the money. In other words, how in the world with all these demands can I deliver what I'm supposed to deliver?

That's what all those jobs have in common. And women, I think women have a voice that's almost, it's so ingrained with, they feel their kids, they feel the world, they feel the husband. I need you. I need you. I need you.

I need you. And I don't think their brain ever turns off. So guys, what do we do? Be sensitive to the demands in her life. And here's some practical ways. One, think through her schedule. It's never ending.

And we grow accustomed to lots of things getting done. Let her get sick for two days or go out of town and you'll go, oh my gosh, how does she do this? Second, help out, especially if she's working outside the home. Some of the most romantic things you'll ever do, take out the trash, run the vacuum, get involved, listen, empathize, encourage her without ESPN or the Wall Street Journal or your phone out buzzing. Set it all aside, have eye contact, lean in.

Are you ready? Listen. One of the most powerful ways we ever love anybody, but especially women and especially our wives is listening. And then listen empathetically and then just in your mind believe that you have duct tape over your mouth.

Because the moment you start fixing something, you just messed up. She needs to know that you understand that you get it. That everything in her life is saying I need you, I need you, I need you. And then help her. Help her. I remember the day my wife was getting ready for supper or something like this and two kids were doing this and one was doing that and I remember just walking in and going, and they want this and they want that.

I said, what's wrong with this picture? And she goes, well, I got to do this and then I got to pack lunches and then I got to do the laundry. I said, hey, help your wife delegate some jobs that not only you take, but the kids do. I said, honey, man, he's eight years old. He can figure out how to make a lunch, so let's get that plan in. They turn 12, they can all learn how to do their laundry.

Guess what? We're trying to teach them responsibility. Oh, no, I'm the mother.

Hey, we got four now. So what do you need? You need to lift some of the demands and women often feel guilty if they don't do everything for everyone.

And so your plan is to say I want to help you be a godly woman in our home and I'm going to step in. The third area is godly character expressed in her work. Again, this is a collage. There's different seasons where women can work. Some work a little.

There's some seasons they may choose, you know, the wisest things not to work at all when the kids are very small. But here's a snapshot. She considers a field and buys it. And out of her earnings, she plants a vineyard.

So this lady is obviously an entrepreneur. She sets about her work vigorously. Her arms are strong for her task. Underline that, because Hebrew rendering I think is far better to say she actually strengthens herself for her task. In other words, what she does is she understands that, okay, whether it's kids, whether it's work, whether it's a season with some both, I need to strengthen myself. I need to take care of me.

I need to be emotionally and spiritually and physically whole so I have something to give. She sees that her trading is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. That doesn't mean that she's a workaholic and is up until three in the morning and up at dawn.

Remember the little parable of Jesus about the ten virgins and some ran out of oil? This is someone who plans. This is someone, her lamp doesn't go out because she's thinking and planning ahead and knowing, you know what, like some of us, she's already ordered from Costco. All those Amazon boxes showing up because she's thinking ahead unlike a lot of us men. In her hand, she holds the distaff and grass, the spindle with her fingers. This is a season where a woman is an amazing worker.

Here's the application. Provide her with some windows of relief. And then let me just kind of address something that women are being bombarded in our culture. My background in undergraduate and graduate school is psychology so I've done a lot of research on the home and family and educational psychology and all that stuff. So the research is in.

This is not the pastor talking, although it's absolutely true because of what scripture teaches. Your children, the first six to eight years, somewhere between 75 to 85 percent, their personality, their moral values, their sexual identity and their self-concept will be formed. You've been bombarded to believe that if you stay home when they're small, that you're wasting your education. You've been bombarded to believe that two incomes and a little bit nicer house and maybe a couple cars and later model things or being able to buy a house is more important than a mother's time in the first six to eight years.

Here's all I can tell you. The research is absolutely overwhelming. The bonding that occurs and the value of a child's actual mother in his or her life will have exponential impact.

And that's gone from the majority of women to less women to less women to less women and with it we've seen more and more degeneration in the family and more and more kids with more and more struggles. All I can tell you is you can choose what to do but there's a pretty small window of six to eight years that the wisest thing you can do according to the best research and the wisest thing you can do according to God is all those things that are nonverbal, all that cuddling, all that eye contact. You know we've got a problem when the government, are you ready for this?

The government is now giving us commercials. Sing to your child. Hold your child. Read to your child.

Duh! Isn't that what mothers have done forever? But that's not what someone does that has five or six or seven kids. Now, there's some single moms you have no choice. There's some of you are in some very unique situation. Am I saying it's wrong to work?

No. I'm just saying you have some priority choices to make and biting the bullet on the front end will produce amazing exponential positive encouraging results. So what do we do men? What's our role? We need to provide windows of relief. Some women work because their pressures, husbands have pressured them. I want more income because we want to do this and we want to do this.

You know what? I had one car without air conditioning for five years and rented in government subsidized apartment. It was five years. It was very hot. So my wife could stay home with our kids while I went to work full time, went to school full time. When I look at what's happened to my kids, ups, downs, struggles, I would just tell you, small sacrifice, great reward.

For those that are working or not working, guys, let me give you a few tips and children. In the dark hour, the dark hour in my mind is if you come home from work and if your wife is cooking dinner, if that's the way it works, hopefully some of you guys are, all my sons know how to cook. I don't know how that happened. It wasn't genetic and they didn't learn it from me. But when you come home and there's this window like between five and six or five thirty to six thirty, the woman's energy, especially she's working outside the home, there's that, there's the pressure, there's the dinner and to go over and sit down and read the paper or turn on the TV and put up the La-Z-Boy while she's doing all that is, can I say this in church?

Stupid. She needs you. Especially if the kids are small, that's when you take them outside, you get engaged, you play with them. Second is help with the housework. I mean, this whole world was we're going to divide the responsibilities.

Here's I can tell you the reality. Everyone says that and men help a little bit more. The average woman outside the home, she works full time at home and full time at work. And we feel good about ourselves as men when we help out a little.

I vacuumed once two weeks ago. No, no, no. You've got to engage at a completely different level. You help with small kids. I'll do the baths tonight. Older kids, I'll own homework.

I'll do that. Or in my case, I'll do math and science. You do English. But you divide and conquer and what your wife feels like is you understand my demands. You're giving me relief. You are for me and we're in this together. And it's never been harder than it is right now for a woman. The fourth area of her godly character is expressed in her ministry. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

You know, it's so easy to let your whole life get consumed with you, your marriage, your kids, your world. But God says when I look at the heart of a godly woman, she doesn't live in a little family cocoon. It's not just about running from work to here or there or carting kids around to ballet, violin and sports. It's she has this heart of compassion. She cares so deeply for marginalized people. She notices the single mom that's dropping her kids off for sports. She notices the lady that's depressed at the gym or the person who serves coffee and she can tell her countenance is down. She interacts and realizes that, you know, genie and fairies don't make all the ministries go at the church and she understands she has spiritual gifts and a part of her life is yes, wife, yes, mother, but it's her. And she uses her gifts and there's something about expressing her gifts and caring for people that God uses to not only replenish her, but help her remember her value isn't just what she does, wife, mother, that they've been deposited with supernatural gifts that God uses in supernatural ways to love people and she sees the impact of her life.

And so here's the application. Affirm her spiritual gifts and her impact. My wife came from a very painful home life followed by a very painful life afterwards. And by the time I met her, I met, you know, we're all prejudice and we should be, I met this very beautiful, talented person that when she looked in the mirror saw someone very ugly and very inferior and very unworthy.

And it was such a struggle in our marriage. And when we started in our first little church, about 35 people, they asked her, could you, you know, you're the pastor's wife, these little churches, could you teach the women's Bible study? There's like eight or ten women. And she just went to convulsions, you know, I could never do that and I don't have anything to say. And well, honey, you know, I've kind of watched you.

Why don't you? So she, you know, with some nudging took a couple little steps. And after about a year or two, she would not, she got to where she didn't like throw up before she, I mean, all eight women would show up. And little by little, God helped Teresa see you have something to say.

You're an encourager. Thanksgiving would come or someone came to the church, you know, it was kind of a neat day when, if anyone came to the church, you knew them because you knew the all 34 other people. And, you know, they had a problem, they would end up at our Thanksgiving table or we'd meet kids going through difficult times and they just ended up at our house. Her world wasn't just us, but as she did that, it was amazing to see how God grew her. Then over the years, she, out of her own kind of time in counseling, came up with these cards about a positive self-identity. And a number of years ago when we were over in Santa Cruz, they asked her to teach at this women's retreat and someone recorded it and it became a little thing called a precious in his sight. And my wife, you know, she doesn't travel around, she doesn't feel called to speak, but this was a passion on her heart.

She spent years going through it with our daughter and this is kind of, how does God see me? And so they did that and a number of years ago, we were kind of running out of material at Living on the Edge and I noticed a lot of these people that listen are, ladies, why don't we put in something my wife did? Powers that be, I don't know, man, they kind of expect you to teach. You know, why don't you? And she's thinking, who am I, right? So we put this on the radio.

Every month I get these reports like, you know, how many people respond or what? Guess what? We put hers on and hers are like this and mine are like that. And you know what I want? I went back thinking, I'm so glad I kept nudging her and saying, you have gifts. Yes, you're an amazing wife.

Yes, you're an amazing mother, but you're an amazing person. And in this, she kept talking about those cards that she made up. A little bit later, they created these affirmation cards and, you know, they made them real pretty and all that. Thousands of these are now going around the country because of my wife's gifts, not mine. But guys, you know what she needed? She needed someone to look her in the eye and say, you have value. You have gifts.

You're a somebody. You have something to offer. And as we do that, you just might be surprised that God has some things inside your wife that's beyond maybe what you would ever, ever dream. Let me encourage you to affirm her spiritual gifts and her impact.

Chip will be back in just a minute with his application. You've been listening to the first part of his message, Guess Who's Behind Families That Thrive, from his series, How to Raise a Healthy Family in a Modern World. As many of us know, raising a family these days comes with lots of challenges, and raising a healthy Christian family is becoming increasingly more difficult to do. So what hope do moms and dads have? Through this short series, Chip unpacks how parents can create a home that's built on love, respect, and most importantly, the Bible.

Don't miss the ways you can establish a well-adjusted countercultural family that may look odd to some, but truly honors God. Now if you happen to miss any part of this series, the Chip Ingram app is a great way to catch up any time. And if you'd like to learn more about Teresa's resources that Chip mentioned a minute ago, go to livingontheedge.org and search for Precious in His Sight. From there, you'll find Teresa's new book, her popular broadcast series, and her insightful affirmation cards.

Order any of those resources when you go to livingontheedge.org. Our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, is with me now. And Chip, as we focus on building strong families in this series, you had something really important you'd like to share with our listeners. So why don't you take some time and do that right now?

Thanks so much, Dave. I want to take a few minutes today to talk directly to you, parents and grandparents. Like me, you probably have a mounting concern for your kids and grandkids who are growing up and raising families in our world today. They face challenges that we would have never imagined and will face persecutions for being Christians that most of us had not needed to endure in our lifetime. What's even more concerning is the dilution of the Bible and the confusion over biblical principles saturating the culture. In fact, in many churches today, the dumbing down of Christianity and the resulting numbness in our children's faith is outright devious.

This is not a tactic of flesh and blood. It's a spiritual war. We have to fight these battles in a way that equips the next generation for the war that we're in.

Twenty-five years ago, when God gave me the dream for discipleship ministry, I had no idea how the Lord would grow Living on the Edge to what it is today. Helping Christians to live like Christians is more important now than when we first began, especially for the next generation as they raise our children and our grandchildren. Let me ask you, will you join me and Living on the Edge in this fight for the hearts and the minds of the next generation? We need partners who will stand with us financially to help us get the truth in the right places in the right way, to cut through the deception that's bombarding our kids each and every day. Right now is an especially potent time to give because every dollar that you give from now through July 7th will be doubled dollar for dollar.

I want to thank you for praying and for giving whatever God shows you to do. Together, let's stand for our kids and our grandkids. We can make a difference.

Great challenge, Chip. Well, if you want to help us in our mission to reach the next generation, now's a great time to become a financial partner because right now, every gift we receive through July 7th will be doubled. Your $25 becomes $50, $100 becomes $200, and $500 becomes $1,000. To make a donation, just give us a call at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org.

App listeners, tap donate. Thank you for praying and doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, Chip, today you described some of the characteristics of a godly woman, but you really didn't talk much about how to become that kind of person. As we wrap up this program, would you give a few practical tips for the women listening or maybe share the ways you saw Teresa embody these qualities? I'd be glad to, Dave.

You're right. We didn't talk a lot about the how, but there's a verse in Proverbs that says that he who dwells with wise men will be wise, but the companion of a fool will suffer harm. That certainly talks about our friendships, but I think even more, I think the thing I saw my wife do over all the years despite some really past hardships, struggles, difficult, difficult things she went through, I think her time with God. I think my wife just hung out with God and continues to do that to this day.

It wasn't just sort of those very special and important times. Yes, I watched her even when our kids were small and multiple demands. She would have to get up at 5 or 5.30 to spend time with God. My kids would tell stories as they grew up later of, wow, I got up. I thought it was the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and there was mom on her knees next to the couch praying. Mom would always sit us all down together, and we prayed before we went to school.

She was always reading a great book. I think we become like who we hang around, and I think parenting, and especially with all the demands of women in our day, it really gets into do, do, do, and a lot of performance and a lot of fear. I have to do this with all my kids and make sure they get all these certain things in their life. I think the greatest thing you do for your kids is become a godly Christ-like woman. I think that happens as you learn to enjoy God, as you realize that it really is not just okay, but the best thing you can do is take time for you to enjoy God, to spend time with Him. I watched her do that not only early in the morning, but reading great books at night, praying in the car. Let me just encourage you ladies. I know there's unbelievable demands, but make knowing Christ and literally enjoying Him the number one thing in your life. That's what will spill over into the life of your kids. I know it's true in Scripture.

I got to watch it in my home. Just before we close, would you stop for a minute and pray for Living on the Edge today? We've never seen a greater need for God's truth to go out than right now. By God's grace, Living on the Edge has been able to provide encouragement, teaching, and personal discipleship resources to more people than ever before. So thank you to those who support us with your prayers. God is doing amazing things. Until next time, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.