Keeping Love Alive - Volume 3 - Challenge #4 - Stagnation, Part 2

Let me ask you, when was the last time you and your spouse had a meaningful talk, read the Bible together, went on a trip, just the two of you, or just had fun laughing with one another?

Well, if you're having a hard time thinking the answer, stay with me. I'm going to share some practical ways that can put the spark and the passion back in your marriage. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Drouie, and the mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. In just a minute, Chip will finish his new series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 3. Over the last several programs, he's been highlighting the four challenges every great marriage has in common. But before we begin, if you've been encouraged by this series, would you take a minute after this teaching and share it with a friend?

You can do that through the Chip Ingram app or by sending them the free MP3s you'll find at livingontheedge.org. Now, as we get started, Chip continues highlighting the four ways couples can keep stagnation away from their relationships. Let's dive in. One of the things Teresa and I do a lot, this may not sound like a big adventure, but we really like coffee. And nearly every single morning, we make a really good cup of coffee, and we'll just get a few minutes alone. Sometimes we sit in each other's presence and don't say a whole lot. Sometimes we talk about some things. Taking walks are like a really good time together. Just simple things that just say, I like you.

I like to hang out with you. And verbalizing that. The final log you want to put on the fire of your marriage to keep it burning is, I had to all start with a C, so this one's a little bit of a stretch. A commission. A commission is a shared vision to impact the lives of others for Christ. And here the focus is to serve. I think we've been inundated, even in Christian circles, that the real issue of marriage is that if you have a great marriage, you'll be fulfilled.

You'll be happy. Your mate is meeting your needs, and you're meeting their needs. The greatest picture of Jesus and the church is in Ephesians chapter five. And the apostle Paul makes this astounding statement. He walks through this whole passage about the man's role to sacrificially love his wife and the wife's role to respect her husband and the man to literally lay down his life. And then out of the blue he goes, oh, by the way, I'm referring to Christ in the church. Apart from the body of Christ functioning in a way that's beautiful and loving and caring, the greatest testimony for Christ you'll probably ever have is your marriage. It's so rare to find people who endure, people who love each other, people that still want to go on a date after 10, 20, 30, 40 years, people who really believe that God brought them together and that there's something that they can accomplish for Christ, that they serve together and they do things together that's beyond not making you happy or making the other person happy, but this is why God brought us together because you have gifts and I have gifts and the two become one and together you're a team that God uses in ways that he couldn't use this person or this person but he brings you together.

And there's something powerful, powerful that happens when you serve, when you together care about other people. It was a very small thing, but we were in church last weekend and I'm still learning how to, you know, I've been a pastor, I guess, 36 of the last 39 years of a local church and I'm still learning how to be, like go to a church service. You know, you're used to, you know, I can't, I have to, don't evaluate the worship, don't evaluate the preaching. The good news where I go, I really love the preaching, it's awesome.

But you know, when you're not, you know, stagnation is, you know, when you're, you know, it's a good message. I took notes and I mean, I got lots of good excuses, but you know, as he was talking, it was just, you know how a sermon sometimes it was like, not a major point, but it really caught and it was sort of one of those lines about, you know, the early church, they came and they worshiped and they got before God and then they shared a meal together. It wasn't just coming to a service, they shared a meal because they sat down and they loved each other and they had a little time where you introduce yourselves to people, you know, and like after the vision casting or announcements. And I turned around and there was a gal, she just graduated, first time there. And I went this way and Teresa went that way and she met a girl that was 25 and like second or third time there and we, so we got those two together and thought this was really good and went through the service and then I lean in the back and just that one line I thought, I don't know why, I know why the Holy Spirit brought it to my mind.

In one of the most difficult times of our life and the people didn't know it, we had no money. We'd moved to Dallas to go to seminary and circumstances that would bore you and are unimportant, but we went to this church, to visit the church for the first time and we were in the car and we were praying and I was praying about lunch and we didn't have any money. And I didn't know what we were going to do for lunch. And someone knocked on the window and it was the people who sat either in front of us or behind us and you know when you had that little time that some churches do like, hey, greet the people. And these people, they were just really kind, they knocked, I mean this is a, it was a huge church and big parking lot, how they found us, I know how God, and then they said, excuse us, and we rolled down the window and said, hey, any chance you all want to go to lunch? And we went over to their house and had another seminary couple, one as we didn't visit the other churches, and I thought that pastor of that church later became a mentor, the trajectory of my life was changed. My whole future was changed because we went to that church and all that happened because one couple out of a little prom thing said, do you want to go to lunch? So all this is going through my mind as, and then it went like, oh man, they'll think we're crazy and you know, we got some things, right?

Then I started all the excuses and so I just went to these places, I said, hey, you know, I don't know if you've got any plans, but would you like to go with Therese and I, there's a little Boston market or something just a mile away, we could, oh yeah, that'd be great. And we sat down with them and heard their whole story. And I remember getting back in the car thinking, that's the best church service I've been to in months. And it was like, well, I wonder why, because it wasn't what I got out of it or what Therese, it was, we did something together that we just got to, it was very simple and love some people and just two things happen.

I felt way closer to God and I felt way closer to my wife. The log of communication, the log of commitment, the log of caring and here the log of commission and our model is Matthew 4 19 and I'll just quote this one. Jesus came up to the fishermen and said, follow me. Anybody, can anybody finish it? And I will?

Way to go. In other words, so follow me and I will make you, you don't have to make yourself. You follow me, you follow me. And by the way, in that day, when someone, usually a rabbi would, would go out and have many disciples come and ask to be a follower because they wanted to learn to teach like him and live like him. And it was a part academic and then part practical. And it was just a process where, you know, all these disciples would, you know, who can you get the best rabbi and Jesus, by contrast, he went and picked his and it's interesting. His invitation was you come follow me and I will make you a fisher of men.

And so he models, I think this, the commission says, I need you, I need you. I have an unusual job where I'm in front of a lot of people. And we had a little time to talk, but because of that, most people don't see the role that my wife has and not just praying, but my life has been shaped. My wife, and I'm sure there's others. I don't know anyone with higher integrity and I've never met anyone that prays like her. And I don't want to embarrass her. I mean, I pray, believe me, I pray. And then I practice the presence of God. She prays at a level and from the heart, sometimes there's a stack of tissues.

And remember, you had a runny nose. She cried. She literally cries when she cries out to the Lord. And those tissues are her tears. And I believe with all my heart that there's this connection that God has given both of us where God has used her to blaze the trail and change my children and change me and live with her in such a way where it's very unfortunate because I get so much of the external credit, but I'm absolutely concerned and or convinced that whatever I would have ever been able to do would have been minuscule apart from the connection, the partnership, and the serving together, though our roles are very, very different.

And some of you have heard, she's actually an excellent teacher and counselor and disciples women, but it's just I need you. I trust you. I love you.

I like you. The very bottom, I wrote an important reminder that didn't used to be in these notes. Personal time with God and yourself, right? Plus supportive friends plus renewing activities equals a fully alive you.

In other words, a full battery to be a giver. And so what I mean by that is we can't ask your husband or your wife to be the only sounding board, to be the only person. There's certain things that men need to share with men and women need to share with women.

There's certain things that are very, for some of us, I don't know what it is for other people, like for me working out, I need to work out. I need to be with a bunch of guys. I played competitive basketball until my back thing and when I couldn't do that anymore it's like okay, I'm gonna pick up golf, but I need to be with some guys and compete and have some fun and laugh and be crazy and not be the pastor of that person up there. I'm just Chip and we just have a blast.

That refreshes me. I need some personal time. My wife needs personal time. So you want to say yeah, our marriage is the most important now.

You can get it out of balance where all your time is with guys or all your time is over here, but I just want to remind you that you need to be refreshed so that you can give your mate what God wants you to give. We have identified the mission. We've identified what the big logs are that need to be addressed and we are now, we're gonna develop a strategic plan, alright?

And you can execute these and develop a strategy. Question number one is it says tell your partner what kind of words and actions let you know that he or she is committed to you and I give a few examples like one of you might say you know when we pray together I feel that communicates that you're committed to me. When we set goals together, when you lead financially, when you lead domestically, when you express affection in this way or that way, how will each of you seek to demonstrate your commitment to one another on a weekly basis? I want you as a woman to write down three specific actions that when your husband does any of these three things, it feels like he's committed to me. It just expresses he's committed to me. And then men, I want you to write down three specific actions that when your wife responds or acts in this way toward you, it feels like wow, remember commitment is I love you. You feel like I feel really loved when she one, two or three, okay?

And then here's the action step. This next week, just choose one. Choose one and do it.

If you want to go for broke, you could choose two like do one in Monday through Wednesday and choose another one like okay but we make this whole thing about it's all going to be spontaneous and this is that and we make it this mystery. How about you know like hey, when we pray together, when we sit down and do the bills together and when he helps clean the house, those would be ones I think my wife would probably say. And I might say things like when she initiates being romantic, when she verbalizes to me I love you because that's one of my love languages and when she kind of gives me feedback and strokes me, you go a little bit because I'm basically insecure. I feel very loved. I mean you can compliment me as much as you want. You don't know me.

I don't know you. You know it's kind of, you know it's sort of like it's nice. She really knows me.

When she tells me that was a good job, right? I feel loved. And what I'm trying to help you see is you can come up with specific plans and right now you might have had some hard conversations or there's difficulties in your past and there's struggles here and struggles there. Just start throwing some logs on the fire.

Just start doing some of those things that you know the other person feels loved when you do them. How do you know? Because they told you. Okay.

Number two. When and what were you put into your daily or weekly schedule to facilitate ongoing communication in your marriage? Set actual times and days. Third, plan a weekly activity to have fun and develop the friendship side of your marriage.

Identify the activity. Jot down at least two specific things to do together. It doesn't have to cost money. Let's take a walk after dinner. Let's go to that park and just grab a cup of coffee. Let's go see a movie. Let's go grab dinner someplace. Whatever's fun. And then whoever planned this one then the other person gets to plan next week. And by the way guys, again, I'm sharing this out of all the ways I was very slow or didn't do it. On your time, especially have your kids.

And I understand this, especially if you go out someplace, it can be expensive. If you'll line up the babysitter, she will think you've lost your mind. And what it says is I took initiative. What it says is I really care. What you have to do is get the number because most of you have no idea how to contact the babysitter. But it's just one of those things that Teresa would say, probably in the car, you know, if you would have done more of that chip, I think it would have been much better for us. Better late than never.

We have no need. Our babysitter is for our dog now. Number four, identify three to four ways you and your mate and even family could demonstrate care and concern for others in the name of Christ. Then set aside a time to discuss your service ideas.

You know, it might be, you know, people struggling in your neighborhood. Our whole family served in the church in different areas. And just ask yourself, what could we do to serve together? I have a friend that every year, he and his family as, you know, I don't know how much vacation he has, but they take a full week and they have built a relationship and they help build an orphanage and minister to orphans.

And, you know, from the time his kids were little all the way up through college, they understood that a week of their vacation was going to be and it just recalibrated what matters and there's hurting people all around the world. And then finally, number five, who or what provides support and refreshment for you personally? I'm talking to you as an individual. Talk about specific ways to arrange your home life so each partner has time and same-sex relationships that refresh, support, and replenish.

When I say same-sex relationships, I'm referring to healthy, non-sexual, you know, bros and sisters and all the rest. But having great intel, having your mission targeted, having a clear strategy, and preparing for it and executing it is the key to victory. Chip will be back with his application for this message, challenge number four, stagnation from his series, Keeping Love Alive, volume three. It's been said that marriage is like a journey. And while every relationship has its ups and downs, there seem to be particular struggles that affect every couple. In this series, Keeping Love Alive, volume three, Chip addresses the four challenges every great marriage has in common. He exposes how busyness, temptation, kids, and stagnation can ruin relationships. Discover from God's Word how you and your mate can handle these trials together and become a stronger couple, more effective parents, and create a happier home.

Now, if you missed any part of this series, Keeping Love Alive, volume three, or want to learn more about our helpful resources, the Chip Ingram app is a great way to get plugged in. I'll be right back to talk about today's message. But before I do, I want to give you a picture that I got to witness as a young pastor. There was a man there who was a master craftsman. I mean, he was a cabinet maker par excellence. And I remember watching him literally painstakingly with a piece of wood, use a lathe, and little by little by little by little, he did all these things that I couldn't figure out what was happening. And then, you know, all those little moments led to this absolutely beautiful piece of cabinetry or furniture.

And, you know, sometimes we think little things don't matter, even calling them little things. And one of the, quote, little things that is the backbone of Living on the Edge are those people who support the ministry monthly. You know, I don't know if you are a current supporter or you've been praying about being a supporter, but let me tell you this. When you give monthly, it provides the bedrock and the consistency and the stability of all that we do here at Living on the Edge. So I want to thank you monthly partners for all that you do. And I would like you, if you're not a supporter, would you prayerfully today ask God, do you want me to support Living on the Edge? Do you want me to help Christians live like Christians? And if so, would you like me to do it on a regular monthly basis? And by the way, thanks in advance for whatever God leads you to do.

Thanks, Chip. If joining the Living on the Edge team is an idea that makes sense to you, we'd love to have you. Your support multiplies our efforts and resources in ways that only God can do.

So if you'd like to be a part of that, let me encourage you to become a monthly partner. Just go to livingontheedge.org and tap the donate button. With a few clicks, you can set up a recurring donation and help others benefit from this ministry. Or if it's easier, just give us a call at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 to learn how you can become a monthly partner with Living on the Edge.

App listeners, tap donate. Well, now here's Chip with a final thought. As we wrap up this series, let me just encourage you to keep love alive. And just to remind you that these are four challenges that not marriages have in common. These are four challenges that great marriages have in common. You have to fight for your marriage.

You have to be intentional. You have to look at the busyness and say, stop it. There are things that are more important than getting all of our kids to hear and there and work and the expectations of everybody else.

We have to get our priorities in order. And then you have to realize, to be fulfilled, we need to follow God's plan. We can't just fill our minds and fantasy and thoughts of what the world is telling us that we need to find the right person. And every time we hit an emotional bump, oh, I'm falling out of love or I'm not fulfilled, you'll find love in life when you give it away, when you draw first from Christ, His love for you and give that to your mate. The sad reality is people who opt out of their marriage, they take the same person into the next relationship or the next marriage and the percentages of fallout just get higher and it gets worse. What I want you to know is that raising kids means you'll have to really work in some seasons more than others. When you have them in diapers or when you're up in the middle of the night or when it's a season of rebellion with one of your teens, it is hard to make sure that doesn't dissipate the most important things in your marriage.

But it's normal. I think what I want you to hear is these challenges are what great marriages have, but they don't have to kill the commitment you made to your mate and to God. And finally what I'd say is as you think about where you're at, what you need to do, just making a commitment that you're not going to let years get old, that you're not going to drift into the same old patterns, eat, watch TV, Monday through Friday looks the same, Saturday mornings are the same, Sunday evenings are the same, same old thing, same old pattern. You got to bring it life. You got to bring it spark. You got to think innovatively.

You have to work at making it fresh. And you know, just tell you after four decades of marriage, lots of struggles and lots of up and downs, I can honestly tell you I'm more in love with my wife right now than when we were first married and that all these normal challenges when you fight together, they draw you closer together. I want to tell you there's hope. And on the other side of these challenges and barriers, there is God's plan that's wonderful. Don't give up.

Don't give in. Just before we close, our mission at Living on the Edge is to help Christians live like Christians. And one of the best ways we can continue to do that is through programs like this one. So when you hear a message that's especially helpful, we hope you'll pass it on to others. And you can easily do that through the Chip Ingram app or by forwarding them the free MP3s you'll find at livingontheedge.org. And don't forget to include a note about how it made a difference in your life. Well, for Chip and everyone here, this is Dave Drewy saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge.