Overcoming Emotions that Destroy - Why We all Struggle with Anger, Part 1

Do you know someone that needs to tame their temper? You have tried to help them overcome the cycle of destructive reactions and explosive responses, but you just don't know how to help them?

If you know someone, or you yourself, have an issue with anger, stay with us. That's today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher with his daily discipleship program, Motivating Christians to Live Like Christians.

I'm Dave Drury. We're in the middle of Chip's series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, as he begins revealing a truth that can actually loosen the grip of anger in our lives. Now, before we get started, let me encourage you to try using Chip's message notes while you listen. They contain his outline, scripture references, and much more. Chip's notes will really help you remember what you hear, and maybe even share what you're learning. To download these message notes, go to the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org.

App listeners, tap fill in notes. Well, now here's Chip with today's message. Anger is a secondary emotion. Why we all struggle with anger. I have to start, but I got to tell you a story.

It's a true story, unfortunately. But I'm studying, and I'm preaching this material for the first time ever. So all week I'm studying, studying, studying.

It happens to be about a Tuesday night, and I'm preparing for this. And all I can tell you, I won't give you all the details, but have you ever had one of those days where you just felt beat up? I mean, this phone call, and this person complains, and you get a bad look from someone, and this was planned, and it didn't come through, and beat up, beat up, beat up. The projects weren't going well. It wasn't bad.

No one treated me terribly. But I had one of those moments inside where I just couldn't wait to get home. And at our house, we ate dinner at 5.30, and I just made that a practice that apart from a very rare exception, we just ate together. But now and then, there would be something that, you know, a big meeting, and so I wouldn't. And so it was about 9 o'clock, and I'm driving home, and I'm thinking, I just cannot wait to talk to Teresa. And I don't have anything big to say. And I mean, if I was really honest, I want to walk in the door and go, oh, honey, it's so good to see you. How'd your day go?

Is everything OK? I mean, that's really, unconsciously, that's sort of what I'm wanting. And then Ryan was sort of a real young guy back then. He was about in his senior year of high school, and he always wanted to play some ball or talk or goof off.

And Annie was this little, you know, cute girl about 10, 11 years old or so. And so in my mind, I'm going to go home, and I'm going to see him. And I don't know what happened. I walk in the house. It's like 9.30. It's dark. I mean, the whole house is dark.

I don't know if everybody had a big day, a bad day. And so I'm thinking, well, Teresa's probably laying in bed, quietly waiting for me to walk in, to say, oh, honey, how did your day go? So I walk in. I'm waiting for that.

And I hear, you know that rhythmic breathing? So OK, plan A doesn't work. I'm going to go to plan B. Ryan, I mean, he's 17 years old. It's 9.30. Are you kidding me? The kid can't be asleep. What, did he have a hard practice? He's gone.

Well, Annie's already been gone. All I can tell you is I just bolted to anger. And I was mad. You know, I think I, you know, made some popcorn, got a glass of orange juice, 45 minutes of ESPN. I worked really hard today, kind of bummed out. And now, I didn't know I was mad. OK? I just felt something's wrong. I didn't know. And I went to bed.

And there's some verses about going to bed when you don't know you're mad. It doesn't get better. It grows. But a disconnect occurs. Often, you have emotional feelings and respond in ways. You make no connection.

I had no idea. So I get up the next morning, amazingly, in a bad mood. Imagine that.

So I can still remember. I can picture it right now. I'm coming around the corner as I walk out. Annie's coming out of her room, little 11-year-old.

I look in there. Annie, make your bed. Dad, I just got up. Annie, don't talk back.

Make your bed. Honey, and Teresa goes, honey, she just got up. Look, hey, I'm the father of this house.

You know? Then Ryan comes out. Hey, Ryan. Yeah, you had your quiet time yet? Did you do your chores yesterday? Hey, Dad, I haven't even brushed my teeth. Hey, son, don't talk back to me. And so I walk into the kitchen.

Teresa's going to be doing some stuff for breakfast. And so what happened to you? What do you mean what happened to me? Well, you just seem really out of sorts.

Well, you know what? If I'm going to get criticized all morning, I'm just going to go ahead and go to the office. And literally, I walk out the door. Now, I didn't scream. I didn't yell. I didn't slam the door.

This is a Christian anger, all right? So I go, and I get in my car, and I slam the door, okay? And I start it, and I get ready to pull out, and then I'm just thinking. Literally, I'm studying all this stuff.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It's like the red light on the dashboard of your soul. It tells you something's wrong under the hood. Chip, what are you going to do with this? And I'm thinking, I'm going to go get a cup of coffee and get out of here. Chip, that's not what you're supposed to do, and that's not what you're going to tell people this weekend, is it?

No. I literally sat in my car with the car running for 10 minutes in this moment of, really, what's wrong? Now, especially for men, now, I'm not going to put you other guys on the hook, but at least for me, it's hard for me to admit, oh, I feel sad and disappointed because my wife wasn't awake and give me the strokes that I really wanted. That sounds kind of like a weenie, you know?

I feel hurt and rejected because my 17- or 18-year-old son wasn't awake to hang out with me, and I can't think of a good reason to be mad at my daughter, but she just sits in the hall at the wrong time. And I sat there, and I thought, now, what am I going to do with this? And after 10 minutes, by the grace prompting of God, I turned off the car, I went inside, Theresa looked at me like, I wonder if round two is coming, you know? And I said, honey, can I get just a minute with you?

She goes, sure. I said, I realized I was angry. And she looked at me like, oh, rocket science, you're really coming along here, you know? And I said, honestly, I came home last night, I really, really had a hard day yesterday. I missed you. And I felt really sad and really disappointed.

And it doesn't make sense. I felt rejected because you were asleep. And you didn't do it on purpose. I had these expectations, and I had this hurt. And I really needed to talk to you, and you weren't here. And I didn't know it, but I got mad.

But it just felt too vulnerable or like there's something wrong with me to admit that I was really hurt and feeling lonely. And I bolted to anger. And I went to bed with that.

I just realized that in the car. And I went to Ryan, I said, Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong. I mean, you're a great kid, I'm really sorry.

And Annie, have a great day. Dad, just, it's too much to try and explain. That changed, literally changed a process of the sanctification of the work of the Holy Spirit in my life when I saw anger is like a red light on the dashboard of my car. And what I realized is a lot of times what we do is we go, oh, wow, the red light's flashing. And so we stop the car, get in the trunk, get a hammer out, and smash the red light.

That'll take care of that, right? Instead of when it's on the light of the dashboard, what do we know? Something under the hood is amiss.

Something's wrong. In your notes, I tried to lay it out a little more systematically. It's easier to be angry than to face the deeper issues of anger. Anger is not the problem, it is the warning light.

I came across a quote as I worked through this, then Dr. Becca Johnson, she seems to say it smarter, clearer, and better. She says, when I was late to pick up my son from school, I got mad at the clock, the school, the traffic lights, my watch, and the stupid school schedule before I finally realized the real issue. I was embarrassed that the school secretary had to call me to come and pick up my son. When a client of mine was mad at his boss, he realized that the strong underlying emotions were really insecurity and fear and not anger. When I got mad at the driver who made a virtual gesture at me, I later realized that the root feeling was guilt because I had pulled out too far in traffic and put him and me in danger. When I got angry at a colleague for not including me on a decision, I discovered really my anger was covering my own hurt pride underneath. If you and I are honest with ourselves and brave enough to peel back the anger, we can discover its true motivating force. When people abandon us, let us down, when someone doesn't come through, when we feel rejected, left out, lonely, sad, or sorrowful, we usually cover it up with anger. Because these emotions are so strong, painful, and confusing, anger serves as a more satisfying substitute. Anger artificially helps us feel in control when we're feeling out of control and falsely helps us feel powerful when we feel powerless. And then she goes on to highlight some common emotions that cover anger.

I'll give you the quick version again so that you'll go, oh. We often cover our anger with when what's underneath is hurt, guilt, shame, powerlessness, betrayal, insecurity, rejection, dashed hopes, feeling trapped, hopelessness, helplessness, unmet expectations, envy, jealousy, resentment, pride, low self-esteem, failure, sense of worthlessness, loneliness, depression, worry, anxiety, pressure, stressed out, disappointment, remorse, exhaustion, fatigue, and grief. I mean, think of, I mean, those are real things that every human being experiences all the time in life.

And what I want to suggest is the great majority of the time, that's not what comes up on your radar. You get angry. Some of you, though, know that angry is illegal, so you stuff it.

And you don't even know that those are the real issues. Some of you stuff it for a while because you're a Christian and you feel like blowing up is not very healthy, then you blow up. Other people, you're eating because you're angry. Some of you are taking prescription drugs because you're angry. Some of you started off with a social glass of wine at night, and now you have to have two or three, and you're covering stuff inside that God wants to heal and forgive and restore.

We learned that we spew, we stuff, and we leak. But I want to tell you that anger is a secondary emotion, and we all struggle with it. It's the tip of the iceberg. There are many, many underlying causes of anger. I just read about 25 of them.

But when you pull them together, you basically can come up with about three big categories. We get angry as a result of unmet needs, and I'm going to call that hurt, because that's what it feels like. I just feel hurt. I had a need to talk. I had a need to get connected. I had a need for someone to come through for me. I had a need to be loved when I was grieving. The second is unmet expectations, and we'll look at each of these individually.

I just call that frustration. I expected people to be awake. I expect a friend to be available. I expect people to return my calls. I expect people to do what they said they would do. I expect people that love me to help me when I have a need. When they don't, I get mad, and so do you. The third underlying cause is insecurity, when we're personally attacked or threatened.

With that, what I'd like to do is I'd like to walk through each of those, give you some biblical examples, and see if we can't. Here's what I'm going to ask you to do. I'm going to pray that God begins to help you have an aha experience, so that from now on, when you get angry, you'll go, ah, this is a secondary emotion. I have bolted to anger. I wonder, is there an unmet need or hurt that I need to address?

Is it an expectation issue, or was I personally attacked? And I'll give you a tool for each one of these and how to deal with it, so God can use your anger to help you instead of make you a prisoner. With that, let's look at hurt, real or perceived unmet needs. Notice Proverbs 19 three. A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord.

Haven't you seen this? People make stupid, bad, terrible decisions. They drive drunk. They do all kind of crazy stuff. They blow up at mates.

They don't care about people. And then when life falls apart, they shake their fist at God. How could you do this to me, God?

Because it's too scary to admit their own guilt, their own lack, their own culpability, and take responsibility for their bad behavior. Isn't it insightful what Solomon has to say? A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord. Notice Proverbs 27 four. It says anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

So he pictures anger as this storm and it's cruel, but he says there's something behind it. Jealousy is rooted in hurt. Jealousy is the fear of losing someone, the rejection we feel when affection or attention or honor or money goes to someone else that we think belongs to us.

And when I feel that, when I feel like my kids need to be giving me this attention or I should have got credit for that and I start to get jealous. Let me show you that biblically. Let's look at a quick picture in scripture with regard to the whole issue of jealousy here. Joseph brothers, okay, you know the story. You have the youngest son at this point and Genesis 37 to 39 is the long story and we pick it up in verse four. It says, but when his brothers saw that their father loves him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him. So you have a father who is showing partiality. He gets the nice coat. He gets the easy job.

He gets all the attention. You have the other brothers over here and what are they feeling? They feel hurt. They feel rejected.

This isn't fair. So they go to their father and say, you know dad, I've been reading a couple of good books on parenting and I just really want you to know that this type of behavior is going to be unhealthy for Joseph, for us and for you as a father. And what I want you to know, what do they do? They bolt to anger and so what they do is they, this is what we do. They take their anger and their jealousy, that's the root cause, out on not the object of it but on the person who's receiving the attention.

Isn't that interesting? They displace their anger to a safer object. Why am I yelling at my kid in the hallway for not making his bed? Because I bolted to anger and I'm going to take it out in a safer place. Joseph brothers, the lament psalms, sometimes read these with a little less sanctified view of how wonderful David and the psalmists are. 25% of all the psalms are someone whining and complaining to God. But you know why they're so raw? They don't cover up their anger.

David loves God with all of his heart. Why have you forsaken me? What's the deal?

This isn't fair. The enemies are this. You anointed me king. I'm hiding in caves. I'm dodging spears.

I don't get it. I loved you. I risked my life. I risked my life and I'm out doing your work and I come back and my kids and wife and everyone they've been taken away and now I've got to go fight. Where are you God?

I'm depressed. Why does my soul, why does my soul, where is the living God? And he pours out his lament and when he's really honest with his emotions in almost every lament psalm, yet thou are enthroned on high, oh God. You are the faithful one and he'll get perspective and he'll look back. You're the one that delivered us. You're the one who's done this.

You're the one who's done this. But he takes the raw emotions of his anger and he gets down to what the real issues are and then he gets back and gets God's perspective and then he responds differently. Some of us don't feel like it's safe to share with God our anger and our hurts and our frustrations.

My favorite passage in this one is Psalm 73. I was so bummed out. I was so mad at God and life and I had made a commitment in college after becoming a Christian to be sexually pure and I decided I was going to walk with God and that commitment meant that I ended up breaking up with a girlfriend and that I loved her and I thought she was going to be my wife and I was playing college basketball and for a year and a half after every college game she would be at the top of the stairs waiting for me and we had broken up and time went on and it was about four months later and I prayed, you know, God would change your heart and we'd get back together and all that good stuff and I came out of the locker room, hair wet, and she's at the top of the stairs and it was like, yes, thank you, Lord, thank you, thank you, yes. You know, and I get to the top of the stairs and she kind of looks at me and then one of the other guards on the team walks by and the two of them walk out the door.

And I mean, from that doorway to my dorm room I was enraged. God, thank you. I really appreciate how you treat your servants.

I'm really glad for how you bless the God. I'm doing life the way you say and this is what I get. And I mean, I was just ready to can it. If this is what you get for following you with all your heart, for staying pure, well I'll tell you what, God, some of you, haven't you felt that? You know, my finances are in order and now look what's happening and this and that and people are getting bailed out and this and that and I did this and what happened and my husband or my wife or one of my kids, someone walked out on them and, you know, I was faithful and I came in on time and now they're downsizing and I get ripped off, right? And I remember that night saying, God, this isn't fair and I was angry and I opened Psalm 73 and I read Psalm 73 and it says, my heart was embittered.

I was like a beast before you. I was ready to give up the Christian life. I looked at the arrogant and the evil and the pride as their necklace and they don't have any pain and everything goes great for them. Yet, when I came to the sanctuary of the Lord, I perceived their end.

Then I got perspective. Their life is like a vapor. God, in a moment, can pull out the rug and all they have is gone and they have no future. As for me, the nearness of God is my good. I've made the Lord God my refuge. My heart and my flesh may fail, but you're the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

And all I want you to see is that underneath your anger often, it really is hurt and the tool is what I call a I feel message. I shared that Teresa and I had a lot of struggles and we went to counseling and we paid a lot of money to give you a lot of help later. We didn't know how. When she got angry, she closed down, she stuffed and I leaked.

It's not a good combination. We went to this counselor and he realized you guys can't resolve anger. When you do, you attack each other, which is not good either. We did it in real godly ways. We weren't throwers and shouters and screamers and cussers, but you know what? They just tore us apart. And so on a three by five card, he wrote, I feel dash when you dash and we put that three by five card on the refrigerator and he taught us, this is how you communicate your hurt or your anger.

And it goes something like this. I feel hurt when you pay more attention to the kids than me. I feel disappointed when you don't come home for supper and don't call. I feel rejected when I want to be physically close to you and you shut down emotionally.

I feel angry when you shout and yell when we talk about a sensitive issue. And for two years that was on a refrigerator and we learned to say I feel messages to one another. And God really used it.

And he used it in an amazing, amazing way. And I would like you to think about who might need to hear an I feel message from you. When's the last time you really got angry with someone or something and as a result of our time already, you realize you kind of stuffed it or you sort of spewed and that really didn't work very well. Or you find yourself joking about the same thing, you know, a little sarcasm, a little barbs.

And I'd just like you to think about what would it be like? What's the real issue? What's behind it? What really bugs you? Why are you mad? Okay, the red light, it's anger.

But what's underneath that? Who hasn't come through for you? Which one of those grandkids after helping him go through college doesn't write, doesn't call? And you realize, you know, I'm just ticked off. I'm just mad.

Who at work? You know, you've helped them get to where they are and they've made some progress and it's like, hey, you know, it's like you don't exist anymore. Who's one of your friends that, you know, used to hang out with a lot and now, you know, you know, there's sort of that unwritten rule. If you're a really close friend and you call, you get a call back the same day and now it's like four days or five days and you don't even get a call, you get an email, hey, I got your call, thanks, I'm busy. And there's just something that's happening inside, you understand what I'm saying? There's something happening inside and it's not like you're going to go, hey, I'd like to really confront you about our relationship right now, okay? Coffee shop, just you and me, mano to mano, womano to womano, all right? You are not responding to my email in a timely manner and I feel deeply hurt.

I don't think we're going to go there. But what it would be like to have some time together and say, could we get a cup of coffee and just, you know, say, you know, I sense a little drift in our relationship. And this may sound silly but I feel hurt after all that we've been through when I call and I don't get a response for three or four days.

Could I just share that with you as a brother? See, you're attacking the issue, not the person. And I will tell you, when you hold that inside, you know what, you get resentment toward the person. And then some of us, you know what, I won't call him back.

When he calls me, I'll give him an email, right? You know, and we start these silly games and God wants you to know he wants to use your anger for your good. Anger is a secondary emotion.

One of the primary causes is hurt. We see it from Joseph's brothers. We see it throughout the Psalms and I want you to just stop right now, okay? Close your eyes. I'm gonna ask a question and let's, just a quick little exercise. Father, right now, I ask you to bring to mind a person or a situation in the lives of the people in this room where they have been hurt.

And I'd like you to right now just practice, visualize in your mind what it would look like and it might be a phone call because they're too far away or, but what would it look like just to say, I feel hurt. I feel left out. I feel wounded. I felt disappointed when you didn't invite me to the wedding.

When you, you fill it in. You got it? And Father, I pray that you would grant us the grace and the courage to not bolt to anger but to realize that we're human and as humans we get wounded and hurt and we don't want the wounds to fester and we don't want resentment or bitterness or anger to cause a root of bitterness and many be defiled. Help us to have the courage to deliver a loving, kind, I feel message to get the issue on the table and to speak the truth in love.

In Jesus' name, amen. You've been listening to part one of Chip's message, Why We All Struggle With Anger. He'll be right back with his application for this teaching from his series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Have you ever been told you have an anger problem? Has your temper damaged or ruined a meaningful relationship?

Are the frustrations of daily life weighing you down? Well, let me tell you, there's a better way to handle these emotions. In this series, Chip reveals how we all struggle with anger and breaks down the most common ways we express it. You'll learn practical biblical solutions to rein in anger before it destroys you and your most treasured relationships. Don't miss How We Can Be, As Jesus Said, Angry But Without Sin.

Now, if you miss any part of this series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, or want to learn more about our helpful resources, the Chip Ingram app is a great way to get plugged in. Well, Chip, this series really speaks to all of us because no one's exempt from losing their temper or becoming angry. But some of us handle it better than others. So what would you say to that person who's concerned about their anger but hasn't had the courage to call it what it really is? Well, Dave, the problem with anger is that most of us try and hide it. I mean, we have been brainwashed into thinking that anger is bad, anger is a sin, and we've experienced unrighteous anger toward us that has caused us to say, I don't want to go there, and I feel bad when I do go there. So we mask it with things like, well, I'm just really frustrated right now, or we have some spiritual language or we blame other people. There's very few people that you'll hear say, you know what, I'm really angry right now. And I wonder what that means.

And what is God saying to me? And how do I deal with it? What I can tell you is that most people deal with it in one of three ways, which will develop in the next few sessions together.

But the power is in getting these things on the table in a safe environment. Anger destroys your relationship with God. Anger cuts you off from people.

Anger causes you to stuff stuff, and the high percentage of people that are depressed are around unresolved anger issues. And so we've put this in the format of a book, but the format that has been most powerful is in a small group, Dave. I actually lead the small group through the DVD. We have a study guide where people can follow along and then process some issues, and then in a safe environment, we have just heard amazing feedback of people actually seeing that anger is something God uses to change them instead of something that cuts them off from God and others.

So I really encourage people to get on the journey with us. If you happen to miss any one of these programs, go online, listen to them on your own, and let us help you overcome emotions that destroy. Thanks, Chip. Well, to help you get the most out of this series, for a limited time, we've discounted all of the resources for overcoming emotions that destroy. Whether you order Chip's book, stream the video teaching, download the MP3s, or get the small group study guides, we've got you covered. Learn more about the discounts on all of the series resources by going to livingontheedge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003, or go to livingontheedge.org.

App listeners, tap special offers. Now, here's Chip with some final thoughts. In today's program, the big idea, I mean, the whopper is that anger is a secondary emotion. You do not have an anger problem. Anger is the tip of the iceberg. Underneath of it, there are three major reasons. There may be more, but there's three major reasons, and we dealt with the first one. We talked about unmet needs, or when we're hurt.

The second is unmet expectations, and the third is a basic insecurity issue, and we'll deal with that in our next broadcast. But when you have unmet needs, you get wounded or you get hurt, and so the tool is to say an I feel message. What we tend to do is we get into oughts and shoulds and demands and arguments, and I talked about the I feel message. Here's your application for today. Who in your world, who in your relational network, a mate, a child, a boss, a friend, who needs to hear I feel hurt, I feel frustrated, I felt offended when you actually do an I feel message? You might get with a friend and practice a little bit, but I will tell you when you can begin to get your hurts and wounds on the table without attacking people, God is going to heal relationships. Are you ready?

Are you willing? Give that person an I feel message sometime this week. Or by visiting us at livingontheedge.org. App listeners, tap donate. Thanks for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, for all of us here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.