Intentional Parenting - Memories, Presence, Models, and Peace, Part 1

How would you describe your home's atmosphere? Is it defined by chaos, anger, hostility, or calmness, love, encouragement?

If it's not the latter, stay with me. That's what we'll talk about today on Living on the Edge. This is the end of our series, Intentional Parenting, taught by our guest teacher, Doug Fields.

He's the Senior Director of the Homeward Center at Azusa Pacific University and is a noted author and speaker. Over the last several programs, Doug has been encouraging parents and grandparents by identifying 10 characteristics every kid needs from caring adults. If you're looking for some deeper insight into this important topic, keep listening after this message to hear some practical advice from Chip and Doug. You're not going to want to miss what they have to share.

With that, here's Doug with his talk, Memories, Presence, Models, and Peaceful Home. We are in part three of this series that we've been doing where I've been talking about 10 actions that all kids need from caring adults. And that caring adult could be a parent.

That's mostly what I'm going after. But really, grandparents, aunts, uncles, mentors, coaches, teachers, anybody who's not a hermit, whose life intersects that of a young person. What do all kids need? We've been unpacking that.

I wish I could spend a lot of time at the front end catching you up for those of you that missed, but it's all online that you can listen to that if you did miss it, and I encourage you to do that. But basically, what we've been saying is that to have an end game in mind. What would it look like if the kids that we were entrusted to parent and to care for and to mentor had a sense of confidence and character and convictions and compassion? And ultimately, we're competent people, that they weren't just taking up space on this playground that we call Earth, that they could actually do something with their God-given skills. So we have that end in mind. What do we do to build into that?

And I've been given these, so far, six actions. We've talked about strong belief, ongoing affection, encouraging words, serious fun, delicate discipline, and activated responsibility. Now, last week, I got an email from one of you, and it was great. Here's what he wrote. I told him I would keep him anonymous.

I asked for his permission, but said, I'll keep you anonymous. After church, we came home, and we sat our six, seven, and nine-year-old daughters down. My wife and I said, quote, your mom and I learned at church today about being better parents. We're gonna have some consequences around here when you make bad choices, and we aren't going to yell anymore. The seven-year-old said, I'd rather you yell. The nine-year-old said, you guys shouldn't go to church anymore. I could just see those kids saying that, like, oh, wait, things are gonna change?

You're gonna mess with my world that you've already created? I mean, parents are weird. I mean, I think of my own parents.

I've shared this once with you before. I grew up as a teenager in the 70s here in Orange County, and I wouldn't say it was an abusive home, but I would say it this way. My dad was an accountant, and my mom was a seamstress.

So if you put those two together, you just described hell for a teenager, because the accountant dad would say, we can't afford it, and the seamstress mom would say what? I will make it for you. So as a teenager, I go through school in Orange County in homemade clothes. Now, by show of hands, how many of you remember from the 70s OP shorts?

Let me see. Oh, yeah, many of you. Now, if you don't, OP shorts, they were it. You were cool if you had OP shorts.

OP stood for Ocean Pacific. This is where trends start in Southern California. I'm right in the heart of it in Orange County, but my dad would not pay $28 for a pair of shorts. I don't care if they're lined with gold, Douglas.

You know, that's the lecture that I got. So my sweet mom said, I'll make you a pair. And before I could say no, my mom had whipped out a pair of OP shorts, corduroy. From a distance, they look just like OP shorts. Until you got up close on the pocket, there was no, which is exactly the point of wearing labels. I mean, if labels weren't important to teenagers, you know, and we all make fun of our teenagers now.

Oh, you're so materialistic, because we forget we were too. But so my mom, I said, Mom, these aren't OP shorts. These are just generic brand shorts.

I'm not wearing these. So two days later, I get them on my pillow with a bow. My mom had embroidered, not OP, because she was scared of the infringement police, but she had embroidered DP on the pockets for Doug's pants. So that was what I grew up in. But as I look back at my parents, they did a lot of things great. They did a lot of things goofy, but they were sincere.

They were sincere in what they tried to do and what they tried to pass on to me. And actually, that memory moves us to the seventh action that I think all kids need from caring adults, and that is positive memory. Healthy kids have great memories. So when it comes to our childhood, there's a flood of things that come back. And personally, I'm thankful for more good memories than bad memories.

But truth be told, no family is perfect. And you as a parent, you are going to create some bad memories. You're going to act like a child as an adult and do something that's going to wound your kids. You're going to yell too much. You're going to create shame. You're going to get angry and use terrible words.

That's going to happen. But how beautiful that we get this long amount of time as parents that we can create more positive memories than the negative memories. Because in addition to my mom making my clothes, I can actually see things in my mind when I go back to when I was four or five years old learning to ride a bike. And I can remember my dad pushing me from behind the bike, and I can still remember my mom clapping, partly because her arms, bicep thing just wiggled. I mean, everything clapped when my mom clapped.

And I still remember the joy on her face. I remember my dad coming home from work one time. He had taken my tennis racket to get it restrung. And instead of getting it restrung, again, my accountant dad, he brought a brand new tennis racket. And I just remember the thrill of being surprised by that. I remember my mom was at all of my games.

I could hear her cheering, which was easy because I sat on the bench, but I could still hear. I can remember my dad coming home and shooting hoops with me in the front yard or playing catch, and he wouldn't even take off his suit. I mean, some days when he had a bad day, you could tell. He was like, Douglas, let me go change. But I have that memory of my dad coming home, getting out of the car, bam, catching the football, shooting hoops in a suit. I remember vacations, driving across country. I remember as a little boy going through Mississippi and wondering where Mr. Sippy was. And my mom just laughing so hard, and the dog barking, and I gave the dog a life saver because his breath was bad.

He choked on it and threw up on my sister. I mean, I remember that stuff. See, our lives are this museum, and memories contribute to that museum. And every memory is like a frame in a film of one's life. And I know for some of you, your museum is a little darker. That your museum has memories of pain and hurt and abuse, and honestly, I am so, so sorry, and I don't pretend to understand your pain.

But I do know that you can be the adult to stop that cycle and not pass that on to your kids, that I know you want a brighter future for them, and you can redeem that. You can redeem this whole idea of family by creating these positive memories. See, memories make up the foundation of who we are, and I will tell you that memories are very biblical. Actually, God wants us to remember.

If you were to take a scope through the entire Bible, you would see the remember word used a lot. As a matter of fact, there's several memory builders, one called the Sabbath. It's a day to remember and to worship God the Creator, the Sabbath. There's the feasts, which we're to remember that God is holy and He is a provider. There's communion.

Why don't we celebrate the Lord's Supper? To remember what Jesus did on the cross for us. In the Old Testament, there was all these rocks and memorials to remember what God had done.

Take a look at Deuteronomy in the Old Testament, chapter 4, verse 9. It says, only be careful and watch yourself closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them, grandparents. We're to create memories.

I'm saying that which is good, remember it. Not only remember it, infuse it and solidified into your heart and your soul. So as a parent, building memories is not optional. You are building memories. The question is, are they going to be positive memories or negative memories?

So when the frames of experience are all spliced together in one narrative, is it going to be a positive narrative or a negative narrative? I mean, are your kids going to remember a mom who was a nag or a mom who was playful? A dad who wasn't present or a dad who was playful? Are they going to remember their parents' marriage as they always argued? Are they going to remember their parents' marriage that mom and dad were crazy about one another? Are they going to remember parents who yelled all the time or parents who laughed a lot? See, there are going to be memories. Grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, they're going to have memories of you too. Remember, your life intersects the life of other kids. And remember grandpa the grouch, grandma the grump, take your shoes off at the front door. You've got plastic on all your furniture because, you know, they're coming over. You're more interested in Wheel of Fortune reruns than playing with them. No, you've got to make memories.

So let me go really practical. I put a bunch of these in your notes. You know, the first just said, make up traditions. If your kids are little, start now. What are the traditions in your home? What will your kids say? Every birthday we did this or every first day of school or last day of school or Sunday night was spaghetti night or every holiday we did this. You know, my dad would wake me up on flag day wearing a flag, you know, nothing else, just a flag.

And, you know, it's high potential for memory and therapy. But traditions add to the flavor. I actually brought this to show you because this is something we do.

My kids have been doing this since we were little. You go to a Chili's or this is Outback, you'll go coconuts for our shrimp. And we take these and we play mouth catch with them.

And we have contests. Who can catch them? So you fling them across the table like that and the other person has to catch them in their mouth. So it is really a simple game. You just go, ready?

One, two, three. And, you know, we don't have that big of a table. But it's not as easy as it sounds. We did it when we were little and you're going, Fields, you are insane. Well, my kids did not grow up in a bland home. My oldest is 25 in a serious relationship. We were out to dinner a couple of weeks with her boyfriend at Outback.

She's the one who brought it up. Dad, see how good John is. Okay, let's go. You know, that's what I mean by a tradition. Then I put in your notes, capture memories, photos. Every photo has a story behind it. You know, it is so easy now with everything, photos and videos being on your phone. It ought to be happening all the time. When our kids were growing up, we would have contests.

I would just give them the camera and we would have photo contests at different places. And the ones that were the funnest to them is when Cody, my son, took a picture of a guy on a beach with a speedo. I mean, he thought that was so funny. He was like a seven-year-old. I almost got the guys in a speedo. You know, he'd never seen a speedo before.

He's in therapy. But, you know, a cockroach on a hotel in Panama City Beach, Florida. I mean, people falling asleep on a train that we were on.

We were taking pictures of them. That all tells the story, captures those memories. I put in there prioritize vacations because here in Orange County we think, you know, there's just never a good time to take a vacation. That's true. That's why you've just got to get it on the calendar and say, we're going. All family research, by the way, points back to vacations being the most, creating the most memories for kids. And it's not where you go that they remember.

It's what you did with where you go. Several years ago I spent too much money taking my whole family to Maui. You know what my kids remember about going to Maui? Dad, remember when we bought fireworks, which were legal there? And we found that empty parking lot and we shot off fireworks.

That's what I remember. That trip cost me thousands of dollars. I could have done that in Barstow and been an innovator. So you prioritize vacations. I put there create adventures. What are the adventures?

Every spring break we take our kids to Mexico and work in an orphanage or those who are less privileged. Taking jackets to homeless people on Sunday nights. Going grunion hunting at midnight.

If you don't know what grunion hunting is, look it up. You can all do it at the beach. If you have boys, anything that expresses intrigue or mystery or danger or automatic weapons. You know, all that stuff. You know, my son's birthday, when he graduated high school, I had kids coming up to me. Mr. Fields, do you remember that time when we were at?

They all remembered me. I have some friends who live in Coto and at night we would sneak onto the Coto golf course. And dressed in camouflage, face paint. We had a pillow case and a flashlight. And you go golf ball hunting.

And it's not going to make sense to you until you try it. But when you put your flashlight in a bush, all of a sudden those golf balls just light up like Easter egg hunts. And we would walk out of there with hundreds of golf balls. So memorable.

I think it's illegal. But here's my point in all of this. Your kids would rather be in a beat up, broken, Volkswagen van headed toward adventure. Than a really nice Mercedes parked in the driveway.

That's my point. How else do you create memories and start this as soon as you can? Start writing your kids letters. Write letters. Why?

Because at some point here's what they're going to ask. Does anybody love me? Does anybody even know I'm alive? There's tension in my life and stress and pressure.

Does anyone even care about me? Then just imagine them having a box full of letters from mom or dad or grandma or grandpa, aunt, uncle, coach, mentor, teacher. Here's exhibit A. See, building memories is going to get you an A in parenting. And it is never too late to start. I mentioned in the first message that my mom died a couple years ago in a hospice right in the home. And as my mom was dying, she knew she was dying.

She knew she had just weeks, if not days, to live. What was interesting about her is that she never said during that time, as she's surrounded by her kids and her friends and just these sweet people that had invested in her life, never once said, hey, Doug, would you go to the attic and get me all my bowling trophies and just surround them? Could you wrap me up in all the quilts that I made?

Could you bring me a PowerPoint presentation of my 401K and a pie chart? None of that. You know what? When mom died, it was photos. It was stories. It was memories.

Everything summing up your life. So my point, memories matter. And good parents make intentional memories. All kids need that. Number eight, what all kids need in carrying adults is they need consistent presence, consistent presence. The way you spell presence is T-I-M-E. One of the major contributing factors to healthy kids when you investigate their life, it's present parents. That kids need your time. And I realize it is very difficult to see tangible results when you give them time, especially when they're little.

But presence is so crucial to their development. And I know there are some of you in here, you subscribe to the theory of quality time over quantity time. And if that's you, let me just tell you, you're wrong. Okay? You're just wrong.

I mean, you can argue with me all you want when you get to heaven. You'll see I was right on this one. People who subscribe to quality over quantity, they either don't understand parenting or they're just trying to ease the guilt of their own mistakes. See, this idea of presence, it is a challenge to our priorities. It is always a challenge to our priorities. And if I'm honest, our selfishness.

I've mentioned this a few times in the series. If you are a single parent, you're my hero. You are.

You're my hero. I honor you for working so hard to hold things together. I really do believe in God's economy and his sovereignty that he is going to bless you as a single parent and your kids are going to rise up and call you blessed. But what kids won't call bless are not the parents who are working to survive, but the parents who are overworking to drive the nicer cars, to live in the better zip codes, to have all the toys, to stroke their egos.

And then blame the kids or the spouse that I have to work so much to maintain this lifestyle. So your kids would rather have your presence than your presence with a T, your money, your toys. Presence matters. And this idea again of presence, this is very big to God.

You guys think about this. This whole playground that we call earth was brought into existence by God's presence. Then God said, I love humanity so much and I want to restore humanity to me. God became present in the person of Jesus, the God man.

Take a look. John one 14. So the word, we're talking Jesus here, the word became human and made his home among us.

We can stop there. The word became human and made us almost. Now watch what happens then, because after Jesus rises from the dead and ascends to heaven, you read and move into the book of acts. What do we have it with presence? He gives us the presence of his spirit. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Look at Ephesians three verse 16. I pray that from his glorious unlimited resources, he will empower you with inner strength through his spirit.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. See, presence is big to God. Now he's given us his unlimited resources. I, as a dad, I can become more present in my kids' lives. You've been listening to the first part of our guest teacher, Doug Fields message, memories, presence, models and peaceful home from his series, intentional parenting, 10 ways to be an exceptional parent in a quick fix world. He and Chip will join us here in studio with their application in just a minute. Just like a well-constructed building, successful parenting requires a great deal of intentionality along with a well-thought-out plan.

And that's why we're excited about this particular series. Doug is providing practical advice and help for parents and grandparents in areas where they've struggled historically. If you're blessed to have kids or grandkids, you have a divine responsibility to love and care for them, and we want to help you do that. If you invest time in this series, you'll learn how to be more purposeful as a parent and develop a biblical blueprint that will transform how you do life with your kids. For more information about intentional parenting, you'll find everything you need at livingontheedge.org or give us a call at 888-333-6003.

App listeners, tap special offers. I want to take a minute today to talk to those of you that have been listening to Living on the Edge for quite a while, you've been ministered to by Living on the Edge. Now, I'm going to ask you to very seriously pray about something specific. Would you consider prayerfully partnering with us on a monthly basis? Monthly partners make a huge difference in the life of the ministry. Not only does it tell us that you're with us, your heart is with us because your money is being given and helping us each and every day, but it tells us that you're really a part of the family, that you are one of those people that, whether it's a big amount, small amount, really that's immaterial. But it's about saying rather than just now and then, it lets us know here is a group of people that are on mission with us to help Christians live like Christians.

And like any organization, the predictability of knowing that people are behind you, that you can count on whatever it is each month, it makes a huge difference. And so if you've been listening, and I'm sure many of you have already given once here or there, or maybe you have listened and just have never thought about, oh wow, that's right, these people have to pay for all of this. Would you consider, just prayerfully, God, would you like me to partner with Living on the Edge? It can be whatever amount God shows you, but it would mean the world to us, and I think you would find your heart resonating as you partner with the ministry, because it's not just a financial provision, it's becoming a part of the ministry that helps other people. So here's my request.

Pray specifically and then do just whatever God shows you. Thanks, Chip. If you'd like to become a monthly partner, go to livingontheedge.org, then tap the donate button. With a few clicks, you can set up a recurring donation and be a part of regularly helping others benefit from the teaching of Living on the Edge. Or if it's easier, give us a call at 888-333-6003 to learn how you can become a monthly partner with Living on the Edge.

App listeners, tap donate. Well now here's Chip and our guest teacher, Doug Fields, with some final application. Doug, as we wrap up today's program, you talked about parents being present in the lives of their kids, and you said that the way you spell love to a child today is T-I-M-E. And you know, parents are busy, there's careers, there's sports, there's traveling teams, there's school. It is really easy to provide things for our kids and not spend time. And what I found, you know, I don't know about you, in fact I'd love to hear maybe how you have done that, but I actually put it on my calendar in my schedule. I used to have a sort of a work schedule and then a family schedule, and what I kept finding was that the family schedule got bumped. And I finally said, just one calendar, and I actually had dates and appointments with my kids, dates and appointments with my wife, and then sometimes this would be family, all of us together. Could you just give us some practical, how could we get that more operational, and maybe even touch on, if you will, what are some of the lies that we believe that we don't spend time and we substitute other stuff instead of it?

Well, first off, that's a great idea, Chip. I mean, one calendar that includes all the family activities is a very practical reminder of the how in spending time with family. And this idea of time and presence in a child's life is very important, and it's also the one that creates so much guilt with parents, and I get it. I mean, we're all busy, we have lots to do, and so do our kids. And in our book, Contentional Parenting, we talk about this idea of consistent presence rather than constant presence, and there's a big difference there. See, most of us can't be constantly present in our child's life because we have job and career and responsibilities, but we can be consistently present in their life, and there's no question that to even be consistently present, it requires great sacrifice, and sacrifice is at the core of parenting.

That's what intentional parents do. Time is one of the few realities in our world, right? We can't make more time. If you're rich or you're poor, we all have 1,440 minutes a day to steward.

No more, no less. And those 1,440 minutes, they force us to calendar and plan and sacrifice. So you look at your calendar every week and make sure you have family time blocked out. Don't allow the lies that we need more of this thing or this stuff or a bigger house or this boat, because that lie will cause you to work more and you're going to miss out on being with your children.

Intentional parenting requires sacrificial choices. You know, a great way to stay engaged and connected to Chip and Living on the Edge is with the Chip Ingram app. You'll get free access to all of Chip's recent messages, his message notes, and much more. And not only that, but it couldn't be easier to call or email directly from the app. Well, be with us again next time when our guest teacher, Doug Fields, continues his series, Intentional Parenting. Until then, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.