Intentional Parenting - Fun, Discipline, and Responsibility, Part 1

Do you find yourself struggling when it comes to disciplining your children?

How do you set clear boundaries but do it with a loving heart? Well, if that's you, stay with us. That's today. Many of you know Chip's our regular Bible teacher for this daily program, but for this series, he's passed the mic to his friend Doug Fields. Doug is a pastor and author with over four decades of experience ministering to youth.

We're currently in the middle of his series, Intentional Parenting. Before we begin, let me encourage you to use our message notes while you listen. They'll help you get the most out of what you're about to hear.

Download them under the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org, app listeners tap fill in notes. With that, here's Doug with his talk, fun, discipline and responsibility. All right, we are picking up part two, 10 things kids need from caring adults. I'm going to build on what I talked about and if you weren't here, you missed it.

No, you can go online and listen to that to be kind of caught up because I'm going to build on those relationship principles. I will say that we said, let's start with the end in mind. What would it look like if kids that grew up in our homes at the very end, you can look in your notes, had a sense of confidence and character and convictions and compassion and competence.

I defined each of those and say, what if we made that our end goal? Because really it goes by so fast. I have three kids, 25, 22, 19. It feels like it was just yesterday that we were in the hospital giving birth to them. I say we, I had something to do with it, but we were there and it went by very, very fast. This is my middle child, Cody in 1992 bouncing on my rock hard stomach at the time. And then I blinked and Cody graduated high school. He went away to college to play football at the end of the first semester. He sent me and Kathy a text and said, mom and dad, I feel God is calling me to do something radical with my life. I want to drop out of college and go serve in Africa.

Before you shut me down, please pray about it. He used the prayer card on the pastor. You can tell he's a pastor's kid. Long story short, my son dropped out of college to go serve orphans and street kids in Africa. Did that for seven months. And it's weird that you'd raise your kids to have convictions and to follow the teachings of Jesus.

And then when they actually want to follow the teachings of Jesus and it doesn't fit in your plan for them. So you sure you want to drop it out a call. I'm not, you know, it wasn't what I dreamt up for him, but he's made up the time. He's actually graduating this this summer. And last month he recently started taking flying lessons, which is another thing that I would not have chosen for him.

Last week was his first solo, which means he went up all by himself. And I've had chronic diarrhea ever since that, that moment. But kids who are, who are raised with this sense of confidence, kids who are strong in character, they have their set of convictions that actually express themselves in compassion. They will become competent to not take up space on this planet, but become competent to use the gifts and skills that God has given them to make a difference in this world. They may not fit your American dream, mom and dad.

They may not want to live behind a white picket fence with 2.3 children. They want to do something meaningful and impactful, and it may break your mold, something that you didn't dream for them, like flying planes or moving thousands of miles across the world to care for those who are less fortunate. This picture that I have of my son is one that I just go, it makes me so proud as a dad that he didn't go in the direction that I chose for him. He followed God's lead. My wife doesn't like me showing this one because she thinks, people think that's a cigarette in his mouth, and it's not a cigarette.

It's a joint. As I said last week, there is no perfect parent, all right? There's no perfect parent. There's no one parenting formula that fits for all of us that's going to work.

There's no silver bullet. What I'm asking us to do is to say, parents, let's do the possible. I don't care how old your kids are. Let's do the possible and put our faith in God that he will do the impossible. And as we talk about the possible, what I'm doing is I'm giving you 10 actions that I think all kids need from caring adults, whether you're a parent, a grandparent, a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a neighbor, an aunt or an uncle. If you have a kid in your life, this is what they need from you as a caring adult. It's not going to guarantee success, but what we're trying to do is enhance the odds. Last week, I said you need ongoing belief in your role as a caring adult. I said they need ongoing affection and you need encouraging words.

Again, if you missed it, pick it up online and listen to it. The fourth thing that I think all kids need from caring adults is what I call serious fun. Serious fun. And for some of you, you're like, Doug, really, that makes your top 10 list?

Yeah. You know why? Because today's generation of kids are totally stressed out. Why are they stressed out?

Because it's a faster paced society than what you grew up in. But really the primary reason, truth be told, is that they're stressed out because their parents are driven and their parents are putting pressure on them to perform and succeed because successful kids make parents feel better about themselves. And when a kid can grow up in an environment of fun and laughter and play, what it does is it releases their anxiety. It actually helps diminish their fears and it lessens their hostility and their anger. And like last week when we talked about, we're looking at biblical principles, many from the book of Proverbs, I want to return to the book of Proverbs because we find this here in the book of Proverbs chapter 17 verse 22. It says a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength. See, we're told that a joyful heart is good for us both physically and also emotionally.

In Proverbs 15 it says a glad heart makes a happy face. I realized that all of us in here are not followers of Jesus. Some of you are here investigating, you're curious, you're wondering, you've been invited.

We're thrilled, thrilled, thrilled that you're here. But for those of us who have chosen to align our lives by both the person and the teachings of Jesus, I believe we ought to be the ones who actually model fun. But for some reason in our Christian culture, we have come to believe that the more serious we are is the more mature that you are. The more serious you are is the more spiritual that you are. But the truth is, the more serious you are, the more boring you are. I know a lot of boring Christians and so do you. See, the opposite of funny is not serious.

The opposite of funny is unfunny. So I put this in your notes and it's my direction to you as parents. Parents, you need to lighten up and schedule some fun.

Lighten up and schedule fun. See, because if you were to read in the Old Testament, the book of Ecclesiastes, Ecclesiastes lets us know that there are necessary rhythms in life. And two of the necessary rhythms in life that it talks about in the book of Ecclesiastics is laughter and dance. What it says is that if you really want to become fully alive, if you want to live abundantly, meaningfully, joyfully, you have to dance and you have to laugh because those are necessary rhythms of life. Now, personally, I'm glad God put laughter and dance because I don't do a very good job dancing. And so I can live with laughter. I just, if it was just dance, I'd be in trouble because my dances are ugly. I avoid them when I do dance in public.

People typically call the paramedics. They think something's wrong with me. But, you know, laughter, what a great value. And by the way, if you're visiting, you are at a church that values laughter.

Now, we're very serious when it comes to Jesus and the teachings of Jesus, but we don't take each other very serious because we all know we're a bunch of screw ups. And I'm personally, I'm 100 percent confident that Jesus laughed. I cannot show you a verse in the Bible where it says that, you know, Jesus sat at the campfire and cracked jokes. You know, hey guys, did you hear the one about the Pharisee, the tax collector and the rabbi?

You know, I can't show you this. But the reason I'm confident that Jesus laughed is because the Bible says that Jesus was 100 percent God and 100 percent human all at the same time. And humans laugh.

And think about it. I mean, if you read about Jesus, he had plenty to laugh at. I mean, he hung around with knuckleheads. I mean, I got to believe Peter said something really funny that Jesus laughed so hard he snorted.

And Andrew called him out, did you hear that? Jesus just snorted. And when I say that for some of you, you're like, Doug, I just, I don't think that's accurate.

I just, I don't think that would be true. Jesus probably said, thou art funny, Peter. I delighteth in digesting. And you maketh me laugh so hard I snorteth goateth milk out of my nose. You know, whatever. Friends, if you believe that Jesus never laughed or never smiled or never used humor, you have an inadequate view of God.

And it's that view of God that people are either drawn to or they run from. And parents, I just want to say to you, you got to lighten up. You got to schedule some fun. And I realize when I say schedule fun that that is, it may seem like an oxymoron, but it needs to happen in your house. The reason I chose schedule is because I want to communicate to you that yes, there are fun things that happen spontaneously, but you've got to look at your calendar. And you've got to say, okay, when are we going to schedule it into our, what are we going to do? And maybe Monday nights is fun night and we got to get this vacation. We're going to do this together as a family because it, you know, people say to me, Doug, you know, you're funny, so it must happen naturally.

No, it doesn't happen naturally. And two, I'm not just naturally funny. I use humor when I teach because I know that keeps you awake.

Okay. But it's hard work to figure out what is actually going to be funny to a lot of people. I have to scare people actually. People are disappointed when they meet me off stage. I mean, there have been people like, oh, I kind of expected you'd be funny in person. And I don't ever know what to say. I just say it's my day off. You know, I'm sorry.

I actually thought you'd be better looking up close. So, you know, we got that going for us. So I'm just like you. I got to figure out how do I infuse fun into my home because I want your kids to grow up with play and laughter and adventure and giggle and laugh. Because here's the deal.

And I promise this to you. If they don't have it in your home, they're going to seek it out. They're going to seek out fun and play and laughter and they're going to find it elsewhere. They will find it.

It just may not be the healthy type that you would appreciate. Make sense? Kathy and I are convinced that one of the reasons that our older age children come back to our house a lot and hang out at our houses. One, we pay for the food.

But you know what? We worked really, really hard as they were little to try to infuse fun and laughter and joy into our family. And I want to encourage you to give this some serious consideration.

To ask the question, where is the fun in our house? Now, because for some of you this may feel like a shallow idea, but I'll tell you it's very, very deep. And it has the power to change your kids' lives. The fifth thing that I think all kids need from caring adults is what I call delicate discipline. And when I was a new dad, discipline was really rough for me. I didn't have mentors.

I didn't have people to help me with this. I was just kind of learning on the go. And so, you know, when my kids would act demon possessed, you know, I didn't know you weren't supposed to lock in my room with a juice box and a jug of licorice. So I had a lot of questions related to discipline, but I know what the Bible teaches about discipline. So I was always trying to hang on to that, and I want to pass that on to you. See, biblical discipline is guidance with love, not punishment and anger.

Okay? Guidance with love, not punishment and anger. If you want to read Hebrews chapter 12 on your own, you can see this. But you don't love your child if you don't provide discipline.

Actually, it goes like this. Discipline and love go hand in hand. One of the ways that we express love is with discipline, and I'm adding a modifier to it. Delicate discipline. Proverbs chapter 3, my child, don't reject the Lord's discipline and don't be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights. You see, discipline is an act of love. For those of us in here who are Christians, you've said, I'm a disciple, I'm a follower of Jesus.

You can't be a disciple without discipline in your life. Discipline is key. Now, when I look at kids who are out of control, all right, you know what I'm talking about, kids that are just out of control. I don't think, what a punk, I can't believe that kid, what an awful kid.

Here's what I think. Where are the parents? Where are the significant adults in that kid's life? Are they absent?

Are they clueless? In Proverbs chapter 29, it says, to discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child. Now, let me give you a couple of warnings that you might write down if you're taking notes. The first is this, is you need to be cautious. You discipline with caution.

Bodies are fragile, yes, we know that, but spirits are more fragile. The warning that we're given in Ephesians 6, now a word to you parents. Don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up in the loving discipline the Lord himself approves with suggestions and godly advice. Scolding and nagging, making them angry and resentful. You want to make your kids resentful?

You want to push your kids away from you? If you do, then operate in the two extremes. Extreme over here is over-discipline, you go intense with it. Or the other extreme is, you provide no discipline at all. Anytime you operate in the extremes, you lose. And as somebody who spent his whole life, his adult life, working with kids and writing and speaking to parents, what I would call myself as a kid advocate, I beg you, don't discipline in anger.

It doesn't work, it's awful. Now, I'm not suggesting that you won't ever get angry, of course you'll get angry. It'd be stupid of me to say that you wouldn't get angry. What I am suggesting is you learn to discipline and not be angry.

There's a big difference. If you want to see discipline and anger in action, go to any fast food restaurant that has a playland, okay? I go to those a lot because I office out.

I do my work in fast food restaurants because I can afford the food and I can refill my iced tea. And you go there and you watch, you know, you watch yanking and slamming and pushing and yelling. That's just from the parents who can't get their McCoffee.

No, seriously, some of you who want to see a psycho kid, you go to a McDonald's playland. And when I see the type of discipline that I see, it's not discipline as an act of love, it's actually discipline for the sake of compliance. That's not loving discipline. See, angry discipline results in humiliation, embarrassment, violence, and it produces angry kids. See, when you discipline and anger, they don't hear your words, but they sense your spirit. And when you lose control, they lose respect, and ultimately, they will become angry themselves. So, parents, please, yelling doesn't work. I don't know how else to say it. It just, it doesn't work.

There is no social science research that points to yelling being an effective way. There are other ways to communicate, okay, that don't wound and scare and shame your children. Now, let's be honest. We've all blown it, okay? We've all blown it, including myself. And there are things that I regret and I'm ashamed of. I actually have a book in my bookshelf. I don't know why I keep it because it's the stupidest title in the world. It's called Regret-Free Parenting.

There's no such thing, okay? You're going to have regrets. And the hard part for me is the memory that I have of seeing my kids, and it wasn't a look of remorse, like, oh, Daddy, I'm sorry I did that. It was a look of fear. And perfect love casts out fear. When we love our kids, we don't want them to grow up with a sense of fear. So, when I would occasionally lose it and then, you know, kind of go to my wife for support, she'd be like, oh, you blew that.

Get out of the way while I, you know, try to pick up the pieces. Now, some of you will say, well, Doug, you know, have you not read the Old Testament? You know what it says, spare the rod, spoil the child. Yeah, people have been using that verse out of context as a license to beat kids for a long time. What you need to understand is the text in the Hebrew, the word rod, spare the rod, spoil the child, and people think, oh, you've got to spank them. A rod was used by a shepherd, and a shepherd would use a rod to guide the sheep, not beat the sheep, okay? The rod would guide to keep the sheep on the right path, to keep the sheep out of the lion's den away from harm.

That's why, you know, King David says in the 23rd Psalm that you're all familiar with, thy rod and thy shaft, they comfort me, not beat me. Now, I'm not making a statement on spanking pro or con, you figure it out, whatever works for you. Here's what I'm suggesting, in whatever you decide, you must be delicate, you be cautious.

Second thing I want you to write down is to be wise, and this is my way of saying, think it through. Parents, you don't have to provide discipline right away, okay? It's not like you're a traffic cop and you got to get them right there. Now, you can delay the discipline so your anger delays. I grew up in a house where my dad spanked with a belt, and he would snap the belt, fold it over and then snap it. Anybody else have that one? The snapping?

Oh, a lot of us in here. My dad even had a hose that he would use. He had a few methods of spanking, so when he was mad, he would say, Douglas, go get me something to hit you with. And what I realized, I mean, I'm not a bright person, but what I realized is the longer I took to go get something, the better it was for me, because it gave him time to cool down.

So when I would return, you know, three days later with a pillow, you know, things just went so much, much better, all right? So wisdom says regardless of the situation, regardless of the situation, I'm going to stay calm or find a way to get calm. Two, I'm going to work hard to make sense, to be wise, but I'm going to bring discipline regardless of their response. You've been listening to the first part of our guest teacher Doug Fields' message, Fun, Discipline and Responsibility, from his series, Intentional Parenting, 10 Ways to Be an Exceptional Parent in a Quick Fix World. He and Chip will join us here in studio with their application in just a minute. Just like a well-constructed building, successful parenting requires a great deal of intentionality along with a well-thought-out plan.

And that's why we're excited about this particular series. Doug is providing practical advice and help for parents and grandparents in areas where they've struggled historically. If you're blessed to have kids or grandkids, you have a divine responsibility to love and care for them, and we want to help you do that. If you invest time in this series, you'll learn how to be more purposeful as a parent, and develop a biblical blueprint that'll transform how you do life with your kids.

For more information about intentional parenting, you'll find everything you need at LivingOnTheEdge.org. Or give us a call at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or LivingOnTheEdge.org.

App listeners, tap Special Offers. I'll be back with some application to today's teaching, but if you're listening to this program and you or someone you know is being blessed, I mean, God is using it in your life, I'd like to ask you to really pray about partnering with Living on the Edge. Your financial investment allows us to equip Christians here in the United States, all across the world, to really live like Christians. Because of your donations, we create materials, we get God's Word to leaders, and we take the Bible to the people in ways that help them grow and transform their families and communities.

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That's 888-333-6003, or visit LivingOnTheEdge.org. And thank you in advance for prayerfully following God's lead. Now with some final thoughts, here's Chip. Thanks, Dave. Well, I'm joined here again by our guest, Doug Fields, in the series Intentional Parenting. And you're talking about the stuff that really hits home now, Doug. You're talking about discipline. And I think you really talked about a word that we don't often hear when we talk about parents and discipline.

You used the word delicate. You warned moms and dads not to operate in the extremes of discipline. And yet, you know, sometimes our kids get pretty rowdy.

We need to take a strong stand. Could you just flesh out for us in the world that we're living in with all the challenges, how do you balance that out where you have to take a strong stand but not land in one of those extremes? Well, let's first admit that discipline is definitely one of those tricky conversations because a lot of parents don't know what is extreme and what isn't. One extreme is physical punishment and yelling, and the other extreme is just doing nothing, which is bad because kids need discipline to know that they're loved. So we define discipline as guidance with love rather than punishment with anger. And in our book Intentional Parenting, we use the term delicate discipline to remind parents that discipline doesn't need to be violent or harsh or explosive to be effective.

The middle of the extremes is a thoughtful, delicate discipline. It's intentional. It's clear. It's thought out ahead of time. And this is vital to help a child move toward healthy independence. And I'll be honest with you, being intentional with your delicate discipline is a lot more difficult and time consuming than just yelling and shaming and punishing and restricting. Now, those things, they don't require a lot of time or intelligence, and you may stop their behavior for a moment, but you don't help them process their decision making and connection to consequences.

So here's a quick thought. I think the best discipline happens when a child knows the consequence ahead of time. That way, when they choose a behavior that violates your agreement, then you can help them see that they actually chose that consequence, and it wasn't a surprise. When my children would know the consequence ahead of time, I didn't have to yell or posture up or shame them. I could actually move to empathy. Like, buddy, I'm so sorry you chose to spend the next hour in your bedroom, and that's going to be a bummer.

I was hoping we'd play catch in the backyard. That can actually become me and my child against the consequence rather than me against the child. That's actually a very loving and delicate thing to do. Like Proverbs 3 says, the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.

Discipline is an act of love. Just be delicate. Before we close, at Living on the Edge, we want you to know about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast. Hear Chip anytime on Amazon's Alexa Echo and Echo Dot. Just say, Alexa, open Living on the Edge, and you'll hear that day's extended teaching anytime you want. Well, join us next time as our guest teacher, Doug Fields, continues in his series, Intentional Parenting. Until then, this is Dave Drouy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.