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November 8, 2021 5:00 am
Important marriage question, how do you handle conflict in your relationship are you one of those people you kinda burst out in anger or are you one of those people that sort of fully shut down.
In my experience, there's turtles and sharks sharks attack when there's conflict turtles put their head inside the shell. Neither of those approaches work well let me give you 1/3 a biblical one today about how to resolve conflict in your marriage. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge Chip Ingram the mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians Bible to capture and thanks for joining sister continues his series keeping love alive volume 2, by wrapping up his talk on resolving conflict, as we learned last time, marital discord is inevitable to have nothing we can do to stop it, but what we can do is control how small, diverse balance when conflict arises. If you're ready to get better at this relationship. Let's dive into the second half of chips message resolving conflict peaceably from Colossians chapter 3. You do understand that your whole life changes with the Lord. When you realize that sin is never a behavioral issue. If not, I should stop watching porn or I should stop cussing more I got to break this addiction. Or, you know I stop I need to stop losing my temper. Those are behaviors you will never never change until you realize you know the patient says don't grieve the Holy Spirit talks about all those abusive words and language in malice and slander and all those negative things. It breaks Scott's heart when when when you can realize that when you send an when I sin what really happens. Jesus already took my punishment it doesn't make God mad when you sin.
It makes him say he wants to be closer to you than you want to be closer to him and when you begin to realize should I do this or not do this when I knew it was to break my wife's heart. My heart changed.
I mean, I may be a jerk but I'm a country like that. But if she wants to fight about time you eat supper and she was to control my life right all those things I say how did she do it.
Can you imagine I feel frustrated when you raise your voice.
I feel hurt when you bring that up in front of the children. I feel wounded when after we've talked about that and you said you forgave me in a moment of heat you bring that up about my failure in the past I feel we had it on the refrigerator and we learned we learned when there was a problem get a loan defined the problem is process. The whole thing first and before the Lord initiate the right time right place to talk and then focus on the perceived problem. By the way, I have a little note eliminate you should you ought you always.
You never and it's always a win win or lose, lose the second F is for feel their pain as though it were you your own. Proverbs 1717 says a friend loves at all times, and a brother or a spouse or a mate was born for adversity. No matter how angry you are, no matter how hurt one of the axioms of relationships you have to understand as everyone acts in a way that makes sense to them. I mean the things that make you nuts about your mate today. By and large it makes sense to them. The way their mind. The way their thinking in the moment it made sense to them unless they're just absolutely evil. They were trying to think hey how can I just totally screw up our marriage but I just find themselves in the same thing and is difficult. It is feel their pain as though it were your own.
You don't have to understand it. It doesn't have to be logical. That was a big one for me and I'm getting on my my wife very intelligent. Don't get me wrong, but when you're wounded and when you're hurt or when things are happening or when you've been through things and we all have and you all have sometimes 2+2 = 7 and in your brain. Somehow that makes sense. And if you're on the receiving end of that and when I came to his I need to feel what she feels. I need to understand. It doesn't have to make sense.
It doesn't have to be logical, but I want to identify and I wanted and emphasize with what she actually feeling. I one of the other little tools you think I have a lot of tools like we had a lot of work to do and one of the other ones was we had a hard time connecting our worlds and in so one of the tools if you will is is using the word picture or a metaphor sometimes remember when Nathan I don't know how much you all know the Bible at Ida Grove read the Bible, but David was this really great king, and he commits adultery with this guys life and then she gets pregnant and the stories pretty quick so he wants to cover it up so he has her husband come back off the battlefield, getting drunk and sends him home to sleep with his wife. So when the baby comes. He thinks is his and he so honorable. He says man on I'm not sleeping with my wife with all the other manner how the battlefield he tries to you know get it going to three different days. It doesn't work and so he sends them back with a note put down the front lines.
Make sure he gets killed. Not exactly a godly king moment so it's about a year and the not quite a year. The prophet Nathan comes and you know that's a culture where you confront the king like death is a very high probability and so sometimes the way to to help someone understand something where you know there can be defensive is is by a story or a metaphor and so Nathan comes and he goes all king appetite is great story and so sad. What is it goes is happening in your kingdom, of all places Lord is there's a man.
He has no hundreds and hundreds of cheap and easy is very wealthy and a visitor came and hospitality was sort of a given you had to feed someone if they stopped in and he said this man instead of his sheep. There was one man. He had one tiny little lamb and it will is not just a Little Lamb but slept with him and it was like his patent was his friend in this rich man read hundreds and hundreds of sheep he took that man's lamb, and he butchered it for his guests and David was this, this man shall pay for it and then Nathan says behold, you are the man and see what he helped them see was the same thing in a different place so I won't go into the whole story, but it was another area where my work was consuming me and I was neglecting things in our home and I can still remember sitting from the fireplace and my wife told the story and she does. I want to talk about something, but she but you'll get defensive.
Knowing you will you get really defensive you mean I'm not supposed to say always that you often do. Okay, now I know.
I promise I won't be defensive. Right now, so she's really set me up and then she you know she said she tell she asked me these questions like you chip when we were driving by the church.
I just noticed you commented on the grass and you commented wow that needs painted over there and you know the remodeling the back and you do seem to notice everything she does.
Points really amazing to me. I just think you're such a good boss. I think you're right. You know you know you down to the detail in and then she said she did you know that our dishwasher when I run it I put a towel under it because it's been broken for months, and so it leaks and that in the boys window in Annie's window of when it rains, the water comes in because we have a leak. So I put the house there and I don't know if you've noticed that when you walk by our couch. If you ever scratcher like there's a spring sticking out and you know the I don't think you will notice that you know we did have a dog for a while and the other things and there's like the carpet is soiled everywhere. I was just I feel like that you see what really needs to be taken care of at work but you don't see what needs to be taken care of here and I know it's not true but it feels like your work matters more than our home and you're in charge of your work and I'm in charge of our home and I know this isn't true but it makes me feel like you don't care about me. As you know, two days later. I mean I got a buddy I got a friend. It was like okay you ready man. We cleaned all the carpets. I called another buddy.
I said that I don't think I really have the money but you know were replacing the windows.
We got the Windows done. What happened was it was like all she's right now, by the way I'm I'm sharing more of her side of it. And yes I've had to a few of my I feel messages and I'll share a couple those you start to see the power you start to see that this is what it looks like to bear with one another. This is what it looks like to forgive anyone who has a complaint against you, but this is what it looks like to treat your mate the way Jesus treat you a mean mom when when you sin you get hit by lightning. Holy Spirit very sensitive very clear, very specific. The view is uncover the root problem. Proverbs 20 verse five says the purposes in a man's heart like deep waters, but a man of understanding draws amount deep issues through problems if they aren't dealt with will just surface again and again and again and and I put a little chart here and this is much more for another day.
But in general, if the symptom is money, you're arguing about money. Usually the root problem has to do with values, priorities, power and control issues so you can argue about money until Jesus comes. But the issue is you don't share the same values or are there someone that's got some control issues or you know your priorities are really different. You know, one of you thinks while I mean don't the kids need new shoes and don't need to do this and don't need to do that someone else thinks guys don't get more movies. I don't know one sizing we need to watch every penny and keep track of another disorder. In most marriages. There's a spender and a saver why we marry each other.
I don't know why. If there's sex problems. It's usually a communication issue and unmet emotional need. The past history baggage lifetime's as we work through those issues with my wife. It was like and I just I just don't get it, but I I fail to understand what it's like to be rejected by your father and then be rejected by another man and her love me very very much and have struggles and areas in the early years sexually because all men were painted with this bad brush and it was just like you talk about rejection.
So those were my field. I feel messages honey. I I feel like you don't love me when I want to be with you and not very responsive still rejected and you say it's not me it's not about me. Well I'm the only other person in the room right okay are you ready I see this couple said they get stuck there and that's the way it is and she perfunctory will have some sex. She doesn't like it, or by the way goes the other way can happen.
Just the opposite couple in our church is beautiful gal and really it was it was deep insecurity issues with him all Connor issues in he struggled in didn't have anything to do with her, but I'll take this, they were never to get that solved by themselves in law issues usually have to do with loyalty expectations in children and work. Usually it's roles and goals. Who owns what, what our goals how we can get there, but those are.
I mean those are just generalizations. Those those are those are deep wells but the majority of couples. They're all on the left side. My prediction if you get married but by about 25 years. You have every one of those at some point everyone of them, so why be embarrassed to get some help or go to counselor because every single person, not the people who don't do anything about it.
What they do is they they do what we call the parallel life track live in the same home have these deep unresolved issues. Do the best you can. Why the kids are young, stay involved in the kids, usually as a woman do some things as you at work and then when the empty nest is the two most common times of divorce. Our first five years and write about 20 or 22 when the nest is is what you realize you don't have anything pose you more.
You can develop your relationship. You didn't deal with issues and it's never too late.
It's never too late. In fact, it can be very very exciting.
The S is for set things right between you, James 516 says therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
The prayer of a righteous man or righteous woman. I will add is powerful and effective in this is this is where humility comes on and took a us a long time but it's just own your responsibility. I mean yes you feel the set defensive and there's this and there's that little by little. When you since your chosen since you're already holy and set apart, and since you're already dearly loved you what you can say you're right I'm wrong I didn't see that I did say that I was way too loud when we talked about earlier that's on me. I was defensive. You know what you're right. I have rationalized I have a drinking problem. All right, but I want you to know those nightmares don't go away and I feel little bit better when I drink and I know it's not a good solution. I don't know what to do and you know what you hear is let me help you. Let me help you the most hurting people in the world that end up in the worst places in the world are people that will not let others help them and at the heart of that arrogance or shame, and there's no need for either with the Lord. You'll never do anything that will ever surprise him. Every sin that you have ever committed ever committed the worst thought that you have ever had or will ever have the omniscient, all-powerful God of the universe is already aware of it and because of those he said I will go to the cross in your place to pay for your sin and I will atone or cover for your sin and if you will put your faith and trust in me that I will pay for those once and for all and you will die and you'll be risen with me and my spirit will come inside of your physical body and it will be a journey and will live this life together is not about rules. It's not about church it's not about what others it's it's us in relationship I'm divine, you're the branch. My father is the vine dresser and working to get connected so I left you my word, my spirits can dwell inside of you and guide you in when you trip and fall. I'm not upset. In fact, every every baby step you take toward righteousness toward forgiveness toward restoration. I'm right there cheering you on. That's the Christian life. So you own your responsibility. You confess you ask for forgiveness and and I I push this a bit and look the person the I will you forgive me and don't settle for you know yeah it's it it's a case that wasn't that big a deal, no, no, that's not how we do this, will you forgive me what you need is yes I will I release you for what you did or what you said and then if at all possible.
Pray together and out loud if possible, so healing and that he is establish a specific action plan that addresses the issue discussed in right now I'm I know this sounds perfunctory but can I ask you question how is your plan that you don't have working the thought, you know you can be in a meeting all admiral or general, I think it's a terrible plan. What yours, the general universes. This is the least. My best understanding from Scripture.
This is how to bear with one another.
This is how to forgive one another that this is how that whatever complaint you have. This is how to attack the problem and not the person that this is how to come together and let God be the umpire let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. This is how you beyond all things put on love because you all coming together, getting the relationship right is 10 times more important than who's right and so that's how you defuse conflict and that's a pretty step-by-step process to do it and the last part of that action plan as I have as a husband I will do this and I have my wife she writes down I will commit to this by when. And then here's the key. The next time will meet and talk about this is, by the way some of you just need some rhythms and we didn't have any money. Most all the years growing up, but every Friday because I taught on Saturday and Sunday. Every Friday was my day off and every Friday I dropped the kids off and I had a date with my wife. It was a breakfast date and she knew that from breakfast to lunch or be on we wouldn't spend that time together and yes, we would eat. We take a walk. We have some fun, but we had a time where she knew, even if the stepfather were only 6 1/2 days away from an honest good talk.
If the only time you sit down to have a good talk is when you have junk pretty soon it's not very fun, and so we would have a couple three of these 15 minute conferences where were sharing things and then we had one big time and then Friday would have little family night and we just created a rhythm, so that counts for short.
And you know what I told you about my dad told about it. Grove an alcoholic home.
I told you that I married a woman from alcoholic home from a very dysfunctional past and were a blended family and we did know what we were doing.
We had lots of problems I would like to announce that I am married to one of the most amazing people in the world that I have a deep deep relationship with spiritual connection, emotional connection and physical connection. Our kids are very very imperfect but very realistic and have followed Jesus determined to marry people that were like-minded and are in the process of raising their kids were God's the umpire all I just want you know Scott can take the most dysfunctional difficult situations and he can restore if you can do it for us. My you all have issues, but I understand then call my wife's PTSD, but it was trauma. Trauma trauma she needed someone to hang on hang in there with her when he didn't want to and when he didn't understand and when he felt helpless but just to be available and I needed to know that when I made that commitment to Jesus that he said he would give me whatever I needed to give her whatever she needed.
For as long until death do us part in one of the things that happens when you say till death do us part and really mean it. Then you you know there's option a and option a and option a is how in the world.
When you figure this out because we are not going to give up. We were in desperate need. But God said draw near to me all draw near to you all the resources you need to have the marriage you desire are available and there's a God on the sidelines may be in the center. I'm not sure where your life who says if you will give me a chance and if you will let me direct. It won't always feel good but, yes, you'll end up happy but your marriage relationship is the most vivid picture along with the church that I left the world so they know I'm real please don't let me down.
Please show the world what Jesus loved the church and the church loving Jesus looks like your relationship with this application for this message. Resolving conflict peaceably from his series keeping love alive volume 2.
In these programs to teachers from the book of Colossians and highlights for important skills, every healthy marriage is in common. Learn how to be better connected spiritually communicate more effectively resolve conflict peaceably and manage your finances wisely discover what you need to improve your relationship and start making a change or two today for limited time the resources for keeping love alive volume 2 are discounted and MP3s are always free. You'll find everything you firstname.lastname@example.org or give us a call at AAA 333-6003 app listeners tap special offers. Hey I'll be right back in just a minute with some final thoughts about today's message but I really want to emphasize to you that of all the things that have broken my heart in ministry over the years it's watching really good people even very godly people allow things to enter into their relationship and destroyed their marriage. Either they live in parallel lives together, or it actually ends in divorce and I long to see God restore marriages in Christian homes that are rich and deep. We have a best friend, you have a soulmate where there's genuine passion in every area of your life. And so the written a book called marriage that works and it's God's design is what he actually says from Scripture about how a marriage can be rich and deepen in the romance can come back and the feelings can return and the commitment can be the foundation of all that works. It's more than reading a book. We want to see a marriage transformed fixture with your wanting to experience a great marriage that lasts. Let me encourage you to order chips helpful book in marriage that works you learn about the biblical model for marriage and what a husband and wife's roles are in this relationship, discover what it really means to be one with your spouse, spiritual, mental, emotional and physical level to order your copy of marriage that works go to LivingontheEdge.org or call us at AAA 333-6003 app listeners tap special offers which if I imagine a lot of people didn't get a chance to write down that acronym you gave about resolving conflict, could you revisit those points for us. Absolutely Dave, I'm glad to, go over that acronym because if you're in the middle of conflict. You, need that right now it's diffuse D is for define the problem, don't just react to conflict. Go to the roots of it.
I mean, what's the real problem. The eye is initiate a time to talk and the key is find the right time in the right place, and for sure it's not when you're angry.
The F in diffuse is for focus on the problem, not the person. This is really hard to do but emphasize the ideal approach not you did that answer you did that or why did you do this is ideal hurt I feel frustrated I feel is very very helpful. The other F is for field their pain. Your spouse is not the enemy. There your teammate to tackle this issue together.
Sometimes it's just looking on their face and realizing there is frustrated or hurt or wounded as you are and often enough you can take some time then you're diffusing that emotion and those words that are going to cause a bigger problem that could often come out of your mouth and then the U is for uncover the root problem. If in doubt with these issues keep re-surfacing over and over and over. I mean you argue about sex you argue about money argue about in-laws you argue about the kids, those are not the issues.
Those reveal underlying issues that we talked about in the message. The assets first set things right. And that means own your wrongs and ask for forgiveness and by the way, don't blow this off this is like I was wrong. I'm sorry, will you forgive me and you look them in the eye and finally the last he is establish an action plan.
It's easy just to kind of get well up.
Here's the problem. I forgive you move on now you gotta say okay now what are we gonna do moving forward. That's diffusing conflict and I will tell you I've used it a lot and I think God will use in your life. It'll couple of the points the chip just made our right of his message notes there are a great resource to help you get the most out of his teaching chips notes providers outline all of the Scripture references. Lots of fillings to help you remember what your learning chips message notes are a quick email@example.com under the broadcasts tab app listeners tap fill-in notes in your set will be sure to join us next time. Until then, this is Dave saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge