Keeping Love Alive - Volume 2 - Resolving Conflict Peaceably, Part 1

I'd like you to think with me, who is someone's marriage that you think, I would love to have a marriage like theirs? Now, here's what I'm going to tell you. They have learned one particular skill in their marriage that you need to learn, and that skill is what I'm going to talk about today.

Stay with me. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry featuring the daily Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Fruley, and we're in the middle of Chip's series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 2. Throughout these messages, Chip's been teaching from Colossians Chapter 3 and highlighting four biblical skills great marriages have in common. And the skill Chip's about to talk about may be one of the hardest to learn, but if you can do it, you'll radically transform your relationship.

Well, on that note, here's Chip with today's message. We are looking at skill number three. It's how to resolve conflict. Are you ready for this? Peaceably.

You know, so nobody gets hurt. Number one, here's a biblical perspective of conflict. Number one, it is inevitable. Jesus said, in the world, you will have tribulation. So we wouldn't be surprised.

Second, it flows from our differences in perspective. Paul and Barnabas, remember? John Mark was a flake.

He went back. The next trip, Barnabas says, hey, I think we should take John Mark. He's the son of encouragement. His gifts, his philosophy, everyone fails sometimes. Let's bring him along. Paul is very mission A-type. You know what? We are not going to sacrifice the mission.

He blew it one time. The mission is more important. If you want to help him, you stick around and help him. And it says they had such a sharp disagreement, we get our word schism. And Paul and Barnabas went different ways. I don't think either of them were wrong.

One was an encourager that needed to help a guy. The other realized, you know what? Jesus told me to take the gospel to all the world, and I can't risk the mission on a guy that I can't depend on. So there's differences in perspective. Sometimes it's just selfish desires. James would say, what are the causes of fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires or your lusts that battle within you? You want something, and you don't get it. You kill, you covet. But you can't have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

And when you do ask God, you ask with the wrong motives, that you can spend it on your pleasures. You know, behind a lot of conflict is just plain old selfishness and sin. And then finally, sometimes it's just personality differences. Paul has a couple ladies in Euodia and Syntyche, and he says they're both great. They're both helpers. They're both wonderful people, but they can't get along.

Maybe it's personality. We don't know. But they needed an outside help.

They needed a counselor, according to Paul. I want you to get these two ladies together. They're both super. But together, they just rub each other the wrong way. All I want you to get is this. Conflict is normal, and healthy conflict produces an opportunity for growth, but can be destructive unless addressed wisely, lovingly, and with rules to govern the process. How many of you have a very clear pattern that you follow when there's conflict? Yeah, this is what we do when we have, you know, when we have a discussion. What you really mean is an argument's about to burst out, but you have a plan when you disagree.

All I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a plan. So our text is Colossians chapter 3, verses 12 through 17. If you're kind of getting it, is so as those have been chosen by God, holy and beloved, that's who we are. We're putting on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone. Forgiving one another, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity, and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which you've been called into one body, and be thankful.

The command is, here's the command, it's real simple. We are to deal with our mates as Christ has dealt with us and deals with us. Okay, that's the issue. If you get nothing else, what would that look like if you would say, there's a conflict, there's a disagreement, I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm resentful. Why did she do that again?

I can't believe he did that. We've talked about it a hundred times, and when you come together, your one goal is, I want to treat him or I want to treat her the way Christ treats me. Doesn't mean you're not going to have conflict, but I'll guarantee if you bear with one another, if you forgive one another, if you're beyond all these things, put on love, and if you let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, it'll come out a lot differently. Let me show you what these words mean. Bearing with one another is just basically, what are things that cause tension? And they're not necessarily moral or wrong, but they're just, there's certain things, unless you've been married like six months, right? And they're still in la-la land. Oh no, she's so wonderful, she's never done anything wrong ever, he's so strong, he's so handsome, I can't believe he loves me.

18 months later, I can't believe, right? But this is, how do you put up with the things that people do, some that might be wrong, but more, this is the idea of idiosyncrasies, of things that rub you the wrong way, that we've talked about them, and they just keep doing them. And he says, bear with one another. In other words, it's deal with tension and things that bother you in a constructive way, and then forgive one another.

This is a hurt or offense. The New Testament word for forgive literally is to release. And I'm gonna dig in a bit more to forgiveness a little bit later, because get clear, forgiveness is a choice to not pay the other person back for what they've done. I release you. And what comes up in our minds is, that's not fair, I'm not gonna let him off the hook.

No, you don't let him off the hook, what you do is you say, I'm going to take this offense, and I'm gonna release it, and I'm gonna put you on God's hook, he's the just one. And you do, people who refuse to forgive are people who drink poison and think it's gonna kill the other person. When you don't forgive, I mean, it's medical.

It's ulcers, it's migraines, it's low immune system. Lack of forgiveness will destroy your life. It will destroy your soul. By the way, our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our sins or trespasses as we. Remember what Jesus said? If you do not forgive your brother from the heart, your heavenly Father will not forgive you.

This is really important. So we'll talk about, it doesn't mean, by the way, forgiveness and reconciliation aren't the same thing. You can forgive a person, that doesn't mean that everything goes back to normal.

Sometimes trust has to be rebuilt, or sometimes a person in some other circumstances are dangerous and you forgive them, but that abuser can't be in your life anymore, or in one of your kids' lives. But we'll clarify that, but I just want to get through the passage. Whoever has a complaint, in other words, just, it bothers you. It just really bothered, what they have done really bothers you.

It's personalized and it's ongoing. And so just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And then he goes on to say, let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. And that word rule, it's the idea of a century walking back and forth. And literally the idea is in the midst of a conflict instead of your right or their right. It's a picture of let God be the umpire. What does he think?

What's his estimation? We'll learn in just a minute that every conflict in marriage, there's never a winner and a loser. There's either two winners and two losers. Oh, you might win the argument. You might make them feel bad. You might even get your way. But if you win and they lose, remember you're one. So he says, let the peace of Christ rule.

Why? You're called into one body, your unity before God. He's talking about the whole church, but wow, if he's talking about the church, how much more a couple.

And then this commandment to be thankful, to focus on what we have instead of what's lacking. Turn the page if you will. And I want to give you this picture before I walk through a little acronym that's helped me.

I have a, Jim Burns is a good friend and he's a marriage and family therapist and speaker. And he says, there's a negative dance and there's a positive dance. And it's very predictable. So you start at the top. There's tension, friction, problem, pain, misunderstanding. And you can fill it in. In fact, for some of you, you don't have to think too hard.

You can just think of some of the real recent ones. The negative dance is defensive, blaming, anger, control, attack. And the I language appears. I did this. You ought to do that. I did this. It's very defensive.

Why did you do that? And there, it usually escalates and tones of voice often in yelling. And then when it gets really bad, sometimes it gets physical. And then there's a disconnect, emotional withdrawal, avoidance, pouting, acting, feeling superior. And then after that you get detached because it's not resolved. You feel bitter, resentment, contempt, loneliness, unresolved issues, fighting like a deadness in your soul. And the result?

Deep retention and regret. It doesn't matter what the issues are. Most of the issues you fight about are symptoms, by the way.

They're not even the real issue. When Teresa and I were having our worst times, we did that dance almost on a weekly basis. And so her way was to shut down and she wouldn't talk, wouldn't talk to me for two days.

And we did the classic couples. You go to bed and you're both in bed like this. And so she rolls that way and I roll this way. And I had this sort of mechanism that I thought would be very helpful but was very ineffective is I would sort of... And that meant I'm still awake so you can still apologize. And she would shut down and then being...

I'm in seminary so I'm learning a lot of verses. And then I would lay there for a while and then that verse resolve it by bedtime. So I would get up and I'd turn on a little light and I would walk around the bed and I would tell her, we've got to get this resolved.

We've got this resolved and all this. And she would just ice me out. And then we'd get up the next morning.

And by the way, you go to bed angry, does something to your soul. Then I would feel not attracted to her, felt distant. And we would never get anything resolved. By two or three days, we would act like it didn't happen.

We would just both go on. And what we were doing is we put thin layer upon thin layer upon thin layer of our hearts hardening. We were both very vulnerable to temptation of all kinds. You know, so our communication, our emotional connection and our sex life was all going this direction.

Now when they go that direction, then what happens, right? Now you've created deeper in the same pattern and the resentment and the bitterness. And it can be over. Ours was why I was getting home late for dinner.

And I thought it was ridiculous. And I was holding down a job full-time, going to school full-time. And we had kids. And I'm a basketball junkie. I mean, if you've ever been in playgrounds, you can go to any inner city.

And you know, if you're especially in the inner city, it's like, there's like all black guys and there's like at least one skinny little white guy and a tall white guy. And that's, and that's where I kept my ball in the back, my shoes and everything. And I would drive by a playground and I would just jump out. And I played very competitively and played against Olympic teams all throughout South America. And I was a gym rat. I played seven or eight hours a day. And I was in basketball after college practice, I'd go play pickup ball at night.

I mean, I just loved it. And if you win a game, for some of you guys know this, you stay on. So I would get someplace with a bunch of guys. And of course they, you know, what are you a skinny little white guy coming here? And then, you know, I'm on, I'm on. And then the skinny little white guy would say, this is why, where he played in college.

And this is why, dude. And we'd win a game. Then we win another game.

Then we win another game. Well, I couldn't leave. And so Teresa will have fixed, and every time it happened, it's like it was a special meal. And I had no idea that she was expressing her love to me. And to me, it was all about when you get home.

And so over time I learned a good defense, offense was better than a bad defense. And I would come in, I'd just pick on her. And the moment I got in, so I'd get mad at her before she could get mad at me. And really all the issues were, she felt rejected.

It triggered things in her life. I felt like, don't tell me what to do. I said 5.30.

What's the difference between 5.30, quarter six, six? I mean, I'll eat it cold. I don't care. I didn't get it.

That was one of many. But I just want you to get it. It doesn't have to start over something big. The positive dance is there's tension, friction, problem, pain, misunderstanding. And the response is we. We assume responsibility and we work together to resolve the issue. I'm going to give you some tools to do that.

We didn't know how to do that. In other words, it's like, okay, how do you bring something up that gets the problem on the table without attacking the person? Because I was super defensive.

And, and if I raised my voice a little bit, she just shrunk. By the way, in most conflict, you have sharks and turtles, some by personality, some by gender. And so in a conflict, there's some of you that what you do is instinctively because of your background, your personality, you just pull your head in.

And man, you know, all you, all you can get is a shell. And then there's those of us, you know, we just swarm the water and you know what? We are going to, we're going to win and we're going to attack. And if we have verbal skills, we're going to reframe it. And you did this by the time we're done, we were the problem.

And you feel like it's all your fault. And then you realize it's not, and then you resent us and we have manipulated and we've been unkind and we haven't been bearing with one another and we haven't been forgiving and we haven't done, we haven't been humble. We haven't been patient, but here is it's a, we, okay, we have an issue. We'll talk about getting that on the table. And then the we issue goes to resolution without a win or lose.

Okay. Yeah, this is a problem. How should we solve it?

What are our options? Let's define the problem together. Let's calmly talk about it in a way that I'll show you. And what, what did we learn from this? What, what was really going on?

And as a result, what happens is you learn about each other. What, what would, what would God have us do in this situation? You see it this way. I see it that way. And we're at odds.

What does the umpire, what, what's, what's he say about this? Or do we need someone from the outside since we're at a deadlock because we want this to go better. Do we need someone on the outside to coach us and help us mentor through this? Who's objective?

Because obviously neither of us are. And if we could have solved it, we probably would have solved it by now. And when you do that, then the result is authentic oneness and a feeling of being loved and conflict actually becomes something where you grow closer as iron sharpens iron. So one man sharpens another, or one man and one woman sharpened another. And so as you, as you turn to the next page, what I want to talk about is how to diffuse conflict in your marriage.

And it's interesting diffuse and diffuse sounds pretty much the same. See what happens in marriages. It starts off. I mean, it can start off so small, but once your emotions get in it, then you start looking at the other person through this and you find other faults. And so what you want to do is marriages, great marriages, or at least good marriages and people with a good relationship. You can, you can, you can so focus on a 5% problem and forget the 95% that's good. And little by little by little, the more you focus on the problem, it grows and grows and grows.

And then it colors and takes away. I mean, because of the way we did it, our, our conversation was terrible because of the way we handled it emotionally. We weren't connected because the way we handle it, she didn't want to have sex with me. And I still wanted to have sex with her.

And she used it like a club and she withdraw. And then I was passive aggressive. And I would know that, you know, the trash is full. Tell you what, I would just shut. I didn't see it. She likes to be on time knowingly and unknowingly when we were fighting.

I just made sure we were just a little bit late. See when you're passive aggressive, you, you, you take the way to pay back on a different field that's safer, sarcasm, late, you push their buttons. And then if you push him and they respond, Oh, I was just kidding. We play lots of games and you know what it does? It destroys your soul and it destroys your relationship. So how do you, how do you take a problem and diffuse it, spread it out? So you get God's perspective and you deal with it.

Well, here's the acronym. The D is for define the problem on your own. Define the problem on your own. Proverbs 15 forces. The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. When you, when you, when you have a disagreement, don't start by solving it with the person. Get by yourself and ask what's bothering me. How do I feel?

When did this all begin? Journaling may not be for everyone. I journal a lot of times.

I don't, I just know I have feelings that I don't like them. And I'll just, I'll write myself clear. This happened yesterday and it was just a look. And she said this, and we were going about that and we were driving in the car and just out of the blue and go here, park here, do that. And you know, I didn't say anything, but I just, something inside me was like, shut up. I know how to drive the car.

You've been married 42 years. I, Hey, I don't, I don't need a guide to tell me which spot and why that bothered me as well. Probably, you know, so, so rather than there, it's, I write that out and I figure out what's going on.

Why, why, why is this making me so angry? And then pray and ask God for, for insight. Proverbs 21, two says, all a man's way, way seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.

If you didn't do anything other than D of diffuse, man, you'd have so many less arguments. If you just define what, what, what we do is we react to, if you have a tension, a pain, a problem, a situation, if you can just go stop, I'm going to define what's going on here. The I is for initiate a time to talk. Matthew 5, 23 and 24 says, therefore, if you're offering your gift at the altar and they're, remember your brother or mate has something against you, leave your gift there at the author altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother or your mate, and then come and offer your offering. And when I say initiate a time to talk, jot these down, right time, right place, trying to solve a complex problem at the wrong time and the wrong place will not go well.

It's a time that's good for both of you. Don't be pushy, but don't procrastinate. No, we really need to meet. Well, I'm exhausted now and I go to pick up the kids and I've got to do this and I got to do that. Yeah. And I've got a big meeting. Okay. Okay.

Then Friday morning. Okay. Yeah.

There's some things that are on my heart. I just want to discuss. So you've defined it. You're clear. You've talked with the Lord.

You initiate a time to talk. The F is focus on the perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs 18, 19 says an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city and disputes are like the barred gates of a Citadel. One of the huge issues in our marriage was we, neither of us, her family didn't have any conflict because it was illegal. And my, my folks, they would have conflict. But they, they came from the school. Let's not do it in front of the kids.

So we never saw how conflict got resolved. And my dad blew up and my mom stuffed. And you do understand that left to yourself, you pretty much do what, not what people told you, but what was modeled. And so you got to, when I said some of you, you got to break out of old patterns and develop new ones. And so jot this down. This is going to be important. The way you bring up a problem without attacking the person is called a, I feel message.

This was on our refrigerator for two years. And I feel message. Let me tell you, and I'll just make it because I want you to know that it doesn't have to be over a big thing.

It's usually big stuff under the surface. So I'm late. Why are you late again?

Don't you even care? You should come home on time. I fixed all this food and you don't even care.

You don't even get a rep. Who are you to tell me what to do all the time? My lands, I'm working full time. I'm going to school full time. I'm supporting the kids. I'm up late. I'm up early.

I'm studying Greek, man. I got to have some fun too. Well, silence bedroom. Here we go. Three day journey, all over dinner, except it wasn't. What I would learn later is I spent all day doing something to say, I love you.

And I fixed it. You didn't show up and you didn't even call. And what I heard was there's no room for me to have a life of my own.

I'm busting it like crazy. I'm already insecure about being, figuring out how to be a dad to two kids that I had, you know, I adopted a year ago. And, and, and when you start with that, you should, you ought, man, those are for a man. Those are fighting words. You ought, you should, you always, you never, that's how mothers talk to sons. Let me tell you, those are fighting words, both directions. Adults don't talk to adults like that. That's authority to inferiors. Well then if that's true, then how, how do you get it on the table without saying you ought, you should, raising your voice.

It's an I feel message. So here's the picture. This, these are the stories you're about to hear.

The names have not been changed to protect not the innocent. Okay. So this was, you know, we're, we're in counseling and we're working through all this. And so, you know, it's another time and I'm feeling bad and I'm feeling guilty and I'm not going to attack her, but I walk in and it was such a great game. I mean, we just kept winning. It was so wonderful. And, and there's a brotherhood.

There's just something about hanging with guys you haven't met and doing it that I just loved. And, and so I walk in and the kids aren't around and the table set and there's candles lit and I'm going, oh gosh, why does she always do this when I play basketball? And she's thinking, why does she always play basketball when I do this?

And so I came in and she goes, she, she was like calm in her right mind. No, no, I, I'm, you know, no fire in her eyes. Hey, it's like, Hey, something, something's wrong here. You know, like you're on patrol and you know, I don't, I don't know what's wrong, but I can feel it.

Something's wrong. And she goes, are you still hungry? I said, yeah, well, you're, it's, it's in the oven.

I'll get it for you. No, sit down. Candles are still lit. So she gets it out of the oven and puts it on the table and, and then she sits down.

She doesn't look mad. Is this reverse psychology? What's coming on here?

This is starting, this is really starting to scare me. So, you know, I eat and she lets me eat and do you like it? Yeah. And I'm thinking, I think I'm just going to get by with this, you know? And so right time, she processed personally what the real issue was right time, right way candles. And then she looks at me and leans over eyeball to eyeball. So I said, chip, can I tell you something? I said, sure. She said, I spent half of the day preparing this meal for you because I love you. I feel hurt when you don't call and you don't get to enjoy this meal that I made to express my love for you.

I feel hurt. So you can't argue with someone's feelings. And because she did it in that way, a gentle answer turns away wrath, Proverbs 15. And I mean, it was like, God used age.

Oh, I mean, I just get up and fight like a real man. That was unfair. And for the first time I made the connection between my lateness and her heart and what she was experiencing. And she didn't nag.

She didn't attack. She gave an I feel message. And I can remember how dozens of times later, guys, bros, and it's been great, super, man. I got a, I got a hot date with my wife. I got to run. You want to take my place? And I bet I wasn't late three or four times in the next five years because now it's not about being late.

I don't want to wound my wife. You've been listening to part one of Chip's message, resolving conflict peaceably. And we'll be right back with his application for this teaching from his series, keeping love alive, volume two. Are you and your spouse going through a rough patch? Does it seem like all you do is argue? Do you feel disconnected? If that's where you are, or you know, a couple who's struggling, don't miss this series. These messages will help restore your commitment to your spouse and rekindle lost love. Chip shares four key skills that define a great marriage.

And these aren't lofty ideas. These are practical ways you can build a lasting relationship with your spouse. Are you ready to get your marriage back on track? For more information about keeping love alive, volume two, go to livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. App listeners, tap special offers.

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And if you've given but could do it monthly, I can't tell you. It would make a huge difference. If we all pitched in, it would just make an incredible difference in terms of what we can do here to reach and care for more people. So, thanks so much for all that you do, and thanks for just praying and doing whatever God shows you to do.

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Well, now here's Chip with his application. As we wrap up the first part of this message, I just want to remind you of some things that we often forget. Number one, conflict doesn't mean you have a bad marriage. Marriage wasn't intended to be easy. Arguments, conflict, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, struggles, unmet expectations. If you experience some of those in your marriage, I want to say, welcome to the NFL.

I mean, we all have those. The difference is, how do you learn to attack the problem instead of the person? When we collide with our spouse over an issue, if we can learn to not allow our emotions to engage quickly, our anger, or our mouth to get rolling before we begin to think and to process, and what I call diffuse the anger, diffuse the situation, so it gets spread out, and then you get perspective, and then you have some skills to begin to address, okay, what's really going on here?

Why do I feel this way? What's behind this? What's the highest, best, most loving explanation for why he said that or did that or she said that or did that?

And so what Christ calls us to do is not return evil for evil. And by the way, please don't hear me saying there's a big argument. Some of the deepest conflict is you get wounded, and it happens inside.

And you don't say anything, but your heart just starts to get hard, and it gets hard. And then for some of us, we're passive aggressive. In our next broadcast, I'm going to walk through some very specific ways to address the core issue and how to diffuse that conflict. Just before we close, our mission at Living on the Edge is to help Christians live like Christians. And one of the ways we do that is by giving away free resources. So when you hear a message that's especially helpful, we hope you'll pass it on to others. They're easily shared from the Chip Ingram app or by forwarding the free MP3s from our website, livingontheedge.org. And don't forget to include a note about how it made a difference in your life. Well, be sure to be with us again next time when Chip continues his series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 2. For the entire team here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.