Purpose FULL - Disagreeing Well, Part 1

Is it just me, or does it seem that we can't disagree with people anymore? Are you frustrated with the lack of open, honest communication? I mean, even among friends and family, well, help is on the way.

Stay with me. What's just raised is a major problem in our society. Families and friendships are being torn apart over political, societal, and religious differences.

So how can we follow the Apostle Paul's call in Romans 12 to live at peace with all people? In this program, guest teacher Ryan Ingram tackles this tough subject as he continues his new series, Purposeful. Now before we begin, if you've been encouraged or inspired by this series, would you take a moment after this message and share it with a friend? You help us grow the impact of Living on the Edge when you tell others what you've learned. You can share this message through the Chip Ingram app or by sending them the free MP3s at livingontheedge.org.

Here now is Ryan Ingram with his message from Acts chapter 15. Disagreeing, well, listen, how you and I go about conflict or disagreement will either make or break a purposeful life. It will either make or break, and here's the reason why. It will either build or it will burn bridges, won't it? It will either strengthen or sabotage friendships.

It will either develop or diminish your own character or influence. And this last year, I've watched close friends who've been friends for a long time no longer be friends. I've watched families strain under the struggle of disagreement, marriages that are on the brink of collapsing, because we do not know how to disagree anymore, do we? In fact, today, the kind of mantra, if you will, is if you disagree with me, isn't it true? You're basically dead to me. It's just, hey, I'm done with you. If you disagree, if we disagree, we can't disagree.

If you disagree, you're dead to me. Here's what we do. We've been texting a disagreement deal and we ghost them or they ghost us. We block them on social media.

We avoid them in person. We do this in the church world, by the way, especially when you have multiple services. Oh, they go to the first service. I'm going to go to the second service.

Or you know what? We're disagreeing, so I'm going to go to a new church. We are losing the ability to disagree well. And how we go about it, how we go about disagreement and conflict will either make or break us in a purpose-filled life.

And so how do you navigate? How do we navigate disagreements as a follower of Jesus? How do you navigate it in a healthy, productive, God-honoring way? Today, we're going to look at one of the most famous, if not the most famous, disagreements in the New Testament. I want to take you through just three observations about conflict after that, and then a biblical framework or lens of how to navigate disagreement well. If you got your Bibles, would you open up Acts chapter 15, verse 36?

It begins this way. Some time later, Paul said to Barnabas, let's go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they're doing. They had gone on this, you know, missionary journey. They've gone to Cyprus and then parts of Asia minor, the Galatia area. God used them powerfully, and they then returned, reported back, and then they're spending time in Antioch and just processing. And Paul says, let's go back.

Wouldn't it be so great? We love these people. We haven't seen them in for a long time. Let's go back and see how they're doing.

And here's where the plot thickens. Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them. But Paul did not think it wise to take him.

Why? Because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work. They traveled from Antioch to the island of Cyprus. John Mark was with them through this journey.

And then when they traveled to Cyprus up to Pamphylia, then John Mark couldn't handle the intensity and the opposition. And he deserts them there and goes back to Jerusalem. And Barnabas, I mean, his name is Son of Encouragement. He always sees somebody as, you know, God has such good potential and longs to see their lives be used. He's going to come alongside, put his arm around you and give you a second chance. And Paul, well, Paul is so driven, he feels called, he's called to reach the unreached and go to places that are even more hazardous and dangerous.

And they're at this crossroads. Barnabas says, I want to take John Mark. I want to give him a second chance. I know he didn't measure up in that moment, but I believe he has it in him. And Paul's going, listen, where we're headed, it's going to get even harder.

I don't think it's wise. Listen, I love John Mark. He's wonderful.

But take him on like an introductory missions trip. This is like, you know, for the, not the faint of heart. Well, they had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas, everybody likes Barnabas. It's hard not to like Barnabas. Paul, the apostle who wrote chapter 13 of 1 Corinthians, all about love. Had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company and Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas, a leader, and left and commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord.

He went through Syria and Sicily, strengthening the churches. Two observations before we dive into about conflict here is how Barnabas and Paul disagreed. Notice this, how they disagreed expanded their impact.

It didn't diminish their impact. Notice that Barnabas took John Mark and he went to the island of Cyprus. That's his home town, his home nation there and where John Mark had began the journey with them. And Paul then travels up through inland and he takes Silas with them.

And now there's two teams multiplying their impact. The second thing I want you to notice is how they disagree and how they went about this did not undermine future partnership and relationship. In fact, later on, the apostle Paul would write this in his letter to Timothy. Send John Mark to me, for he is useful to me.

You would see later different writings of Paul where he would then speak highly of John Mark and positively of Barnabas. And so how do you navigate disagreement as a follower of Jesus? There's some things in this text that are important for us. First observation about conflict is this, conflict is unavoidable. Conflict is unavoidable. Every relationship, no matter how good or godly, will experience conflict disagreements.

Listen, if Barnabas and Paul got into it, we're going to get into it. If these two had a sharp dispute, there's going to be times where people that you love, people that are godly, people that you go like, man, I just never would have imagined you're going to experience conflict. It's unavoidable. Secondly, conflict is difficult, isn't it? It's just hard. It's just hard. This was hard. This was difficult. It's hard because it's emotional. It's hard because it gets personal really quick. It's hard because we don't really, I mean, in our day, we haven't been modeled how to disagree well or how to have conflict well, or even given the tools to do it well. It's just uncomfortable, isn't it? And so we want to avoid it or some of our personalities, we go right after it.

It's unavoidable. It's difficult. And yet it is an opportunity to grow. Jot right next to that Proverbs 27, 17, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Conflict, it doesn't mean it always is, but it is an opportunity to grow just as iron sharpens iron. Now, what happens when you're sharpening iron? Friction.

Sparks. And it is that friction and that sparks that rubs off the rough edges that sharpen and develop. See, could it be that the things that you've been avoiding or the or maybe the ghosting or running away from or attacking are the very things God wants to use as an opportunity to grow and to develop you?

To expand who you are, to shape your character. And so how do we navigate disagreement? Well, let me just give you four steps, a biblical framework for navigating disagreements. Well, the first is define the problem on your own.

Define the problem on your own. Notice, not with your besties, not with your small group, not as a prayer request. You know, I really have this issue with coworker and I really shouldn't say, well, her name's Sally and Sally is just awful. I mean, the way she goes about it or my boss or, you know, you know that one guy at church? Oh, my gosh, he's an EGR, isn't he?

What's an EGR? Extra grace required. Oh, my gosh. Just pray for my heart. Pray for my responses. Define the problem on your own, not with a small group, not with your besties, not on a long social media post that is abstract and says all the things that you're emoting in the moment.

How do we do this? First, examine your heart in part. Jesus would say it this way, Matthew Chapter seven, before you dare take the speck out of someone else's eye, take the log out of yours. And let's be honest. We overestimate the clarity of our own thinking about other people's problems, and we underestimate the fog of our own issues. It's like there's a log in our eyes. There's motive issues in my heart.

No matter how flat a pancake, there's always two sides to it, and so I might just be playing a part in this. You begin to examine your heart and your part, and here's what I encourage you to do. Write it down. Write it down.

We live in our world. We keep the emotions right here, and then you begin to write it down. And as you put pen to paper, it begins to give you perspective and you begin to see part of your heart there. And you're like, OK, you know what? That's more emotion and that's how I'm feeling.

But those aren't the facts. That's not exactly all that's going on there. See, when you examine your own heart, you take time. Holy Spirit, would you show me what's going on in me? We're quick to correct in our culture, but we're slow to confess. And where we say we're going to take time and confess personally. Second, move from thinking about them to praying for them. We're going to examine our heart and then isn't it true that the people that you have a disagreement with, that they just keep coming back to your mind? And you keep thinking about them and you maybe think about how you're going to win that argument or what you would say if you had the guts to say it or all those sort of things? Move from thinking about them to praying for them. Matthew chapter five says, Listen, bless those who persecute you and pray for your enemies.

Every time, listen, make a commitment. Every time that person comes to mind, I'm going to pray for them. I wonder what would change in our hearts.

I wonder what would change in the atmosphere. I wonder what God would want to do if every time they came to our mind, instead of moving in to the mental dialogue of all the things we want to say and all the ways they've done X, Y and Z, that we turned it to prayer for them. And then give the generous explanation for their behavior. What is the most generous explanation for their behavior? See, I'm going to write down and examine my heart. I'm going to move from thinking to praying. And instead of jumping to the very worst explanation, I'm going to give them the best explanation.

Here's what I'm going to do for them. I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt that I want them to have given me. What is the most generous explanation for their behavior?

See, we have to be careful about the stories we're telling ourselves. And we jump to conclusions. We jump to judgments. We jump to motives immediately.

Define the problem on your own. Examine your heart. Move from thinking to praying.

Give a generous explanation. And then finally, if necessary, seek wise counsel. Well, Ryan, why would you say if necessary? Well, because here's what we do in our culture today. Much of our seeking wise counsel is trying to get people on our side. Trying to get people to agree with us.

See life from our frame. Telling people how bad that person is. Scripture speaks a ton about seeking wise counsel. And as you're defining on your own, and if you find yourself stuck, you go, OK, who is someone that loves Jesus? That knows God's word.

That knows both myself and this other individual who can speak into it and give me perspective. You know, when I try to bring something that's frustrating to my wife. The frustrating part is instead of her going like, yeah, because that's what we all want when we share something frustrating. Or so and so. Yeah.

She gives me. Well, maybe there's another reason. Or have you thought about. I don't want to think about that. I don't want to wrestle with that.

I don't want to give them the benefit of the doubt. And so define the problem on your own navigating disagreements. Well, first, we have to define it on our own. Secondly, then we have to set up a time to talk and do not put it off. Set up a time to talk.

Go directly to the person. You've been listening to the first part of Ryan Ingram's message, disagreeing well from his series Purposeful. He and Chip will join us here in the studio with some additional thoughts and application in just a minute. But what does it really mean to be full of purpose? Is it just being successful at your job, making lots of money, being a good parent or spouse? Maybe you're completely lost when it comes to your purpose and you're really struggling to find any kind of meaning to your life right now. No matter where you're at, finding purpose is one of the toughest challenges we face in this series. Ryan Ingram shares what it means to live a meaningful life and unpack God's true calling. Stay with us to learn how you can live out your God-given purpose even when difficulty, hardship and conflict come.

You're not going to want to miss a single message. For more information about this series, Purposeful, Discovering God's Calling on Your Life, just go to livingontheedge.org. And if you happen to miss a message along the way, you can always catch up on the Chip Ingram app. Also, let me encourage you to sign up for the new daily discipleship with Chip, True Spirituality. Taking part in this free video mentorship opportunity with Chip would be a great next step on your faith journey. For 17 days, Chip will walk with you through Romans 12 and reveal what it means to really follow after Jesus in the ups and downs of everyday life. Pre-register for the study today and we'll send you our friend Lance Witt's devotional based on Romans 12 called, Leave Ordinary Behind at No Cost. Sign up now while this offer lasts by going to livingontheedge.org or by calling 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003 or go to livingontheedge.org. App listeners just tap discipleship. You know, I get letters, emails and Facebook messages from people every day who tell me how Living on the Edge has impacted their life. People of all ages from, I mean, every walk of life, many of those letters also share painful events, deep wounds or hard times that people are wrestling with. Like many of us, they're pressing in, they're seeking God and I'm deeply moved when they've taken the time to write and say thank you. Thanks for a message they've heard or a resource they've been using or, you know, seeing God work through his word and they understand him.

And the Holy Spirit is beginning to work in their life like never before. They aren't only thanking me or Living on the Edge, they're thanking you. All of you that invest in this ministry and walk alongside us by praying for us daily, giving every month to keep the doors open, or giving to our matches once or twice a year to develop new resources and reach more people, these folks, they're thanking you too. And so I just want to pause and thank you for your financial investment in all that we do right here at Living on the Edge. And if you're listening and you've never given or didn't realize that we rely on contributions until just now, would you prayerfully consider giving financially to the ministry that we could keep creating new resources, keep helping people to be the kind of Christians that live like Christians? And let me say just thank you in advance for whatever God leads you to do.

You don't need to do more or less. We're just asking everyone, do your part and we'll see God work. Thanks, Chip. If Living on the Edge is ministering to you and you've not yet partnered with us financially, would you consider sending a gift today? It takes a team to do the ministry that God's called us to, and we'd love to have you join our team.

You can give a gift online at livingontheedge.org, or if you prefer, just call us at 888-333-6003. On behalf of Chip and all of us here, thank you for your prayers and your financial support. Well, now here's Ryan and Chip with their application for today. Ryan, thanks so much for today's message. You know, you really taught us some really basic biblical steps on conflict resolution, and that was super helpful. How do you see this teaching playing out in families and in churches where there's such polarity and division? I mean, the fact of the matter is people are arguing over politics or whether to wear a mask or getting a vaccine or not getting a vaccine. You're in a really volatile situation as a pastor.

How do you help people negotiate these kind of conversations? Yeah, and this is so important in this season, isn't it? Like you said, because of the division, because of just how polarized everything has become. You know, there's this great book called Crucial Conversations.

And if you haven't read it, I encourage you to pick it up and read it. But one of the lines in there is, why is it that when our best is needed, we're often at our worst? And isn't that true in these difficult, divisive areas where we react out of emotion and anger?

You know, and I think for many of us, the reality is, is we need to get back to the basics. You know, a passage in my home that we go back to quite a bit, I have three kids. They're once almost 17, 14 and 11.

So it's a girl, boy, boy. And we still have this conversation from when they're a little to now in the teenage stage. James 1 19 through 20 says, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. And I mean, we've had this conversation literally this summer around our table with everybody in the house all together. Hey, gang, we got to be quick to listen, slow to speak.

Right. God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Let's use it. We should listen twice as much as we speak. But let's think about this quick to listen. Remember, in Stephen Covey's famous book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, one of his principles was seek to understand before being understood. Oh, what would change?

Think about this. If in our culture, if just every Christian did this, not asking every single person, but if every Christian listened more than we spoke, sought to understand before we tried to be understood how that would change the culture and the atmosphere. Quick to listen, then slow to speak. You know, one of the things we talk about in our home, one of the things we talk about with our church is before you speak, stop and think, is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? Have I truly listened? Before you speak, before you utter those words, bite your tongue, literally, if you have to, and let the filter of these questions, is it true?

Is it helpful? Is it kind? And have I truly listened before you speak? And then he says slow to become angry. You know, it feels like in our culture today that anger has become the default setting of our society. It's just how people are responding, whether on social media or driving or you're in the grocery store.

It's just the default setting. And Dad, I love how you say this. You say that anger is always a secondary emotion. And so we have to ask, you know, why am I angry?

What's underneath it? That anger is actually the light on the dashboard that tells us there's something underneath that needs our attention. A lot of times it is fear.

These things, you know, I'm anxious or I'm scared. See, it's really not that complicated, but it is difficult. And we feel justified that we should be able to respond and we want other people to be put in their place. And God's word invites us to a different way, quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. We teach our kids this. And the truth is, you never grow out of needing it yourself. .