Leaving a Legacy that Lasts Forever - Teach Them to Suffer Well, Part 2

Let me ask you a question. Do you have memories that are so painful and difficult that you become an expert at actually shoving them down so you don't have to think about them? Would you like freedom from that pain? Would you like to see some real positive results come out of the suffering in your life? Today I'm going to share four insights that can transform how you respond to suffering.

That's today. I'm Dave Druey, and Chip's our Bible teacher on this international discipleship ministry focusing on helping Christians live like Christians. In just a minute, Chip continues his series, Leaving a Legacy That Lasts Forever, talking about this tough subject of suffering.

As we learned last time, our natural instinct is to limit or completely avoid the pains of life. But in this program, Chip compels us to change that perspective and teach our children to better handle hurtful experiences. Now just before we get started, let me encourage you to get Chip's message notes. They're a great resource that'll help you get the most out of this teaching. To download them, go to the broadcasts tab at livingontheedge.org.

App listeners just tap fill in notes. Now here's Chip with part two of his message, Teach Them to Suffer Well. My fear is we have unconsciously or in some ways consciously taught a whole generation of people that if you're really good and do the right stuff, everything comes out your way. And Jesus really is kind of like a self-help genie.

And what he wants to do is make you happy and wonderful and have no problems. And if you have enough faith, nothing will ever go wrong. Do you see how people get set up to be very bitter at God and very disappointed and feeling like God doesn't care because this is the truth?

So what you need to do is have a very specific game plan to teach your friends, your disciples, your children, your groups, and your kids and grandkids how to suffer well. I was getting in my car with my son who was about early 20s at the time, just beginning his musical career, was sort of in the band stage of In the Van riding all over doing what they call gigs and leading worship. And little by little kind of making progress, but he had a friend that he came up with.

And my garage was very loud many, many years. And John and Jason were always playing music and then they would bring it inside and there was keyboards here and keyboards here and the piano here and then John would bring his drums and their buddies would bring their electric guitars. And somewhere I said something about pursue your passions in a moment of weakness. And John was a young man. He was a prodigy. John played guitar, piano, violin, mandolin. John could pick up an instrument in two weeks, he'd be playing it on stage. And they would, you know, we had a little small Saturday night worship and so John and Jason, you know, even as young guys would help out and do that. And John began to write some songs and as Jason said one time, you know, John had more musical ability in his little finger than in my whole body.

And my son Jason is sort of the focused, persevering, hard charging, won't give up type personality and they just became fast friends. And we would kid John. John was very thin.

I mean very, very thin. You know, like John, you know, if you stick out your tongue, we think it's a thermometer and all that kind of stuff. And we would tease him and he'd milkshakes and tried to lift weights and he was just, no matter what he did, he was just, you know, you turn sideways, John is gone. And Jason was kind of traveling around and come home and I'd gotten a phone call from his mom and dad and said, Chip, John's over here in the hospital and they've run some tests and we now know why he's been so skinny so long.

And he's got a slow growing type of cancer and we're here, his fiancé is here, could you come by? And I remember sitting on the bed and looking at John and reading Psalm 46 out loud together and then going through about a nine or ten, eleven month journey or so. And then I remember getting in the car with Jason and John was musical and so the worship leader and two or three of us and my son and he looked like he had been in a concentration camp as the cancer had eaten him out. He was probably 80 pounds and gaunt and it was the last day that he lived and we sang worship songs. And then we left and John died the next day but I sat in the car with my son Jason and he looked at me and said, Dad, why? Why would God do this to John? I don't get it, Dad.

Life's not fair. Dad, I mean, he's got more ability to think how God could use him and I'm healthy and I have to try so hard that he can just do it. Why, Dad?

And we cried together in the car. And then I could say, Son, here's what you need to understand. There's more to life than right now and I don't have a quick easy answer about John I don't understand. But I can tell you it's a fallen world and in a fallen world good godly people get cancer and it's hard world and it's an unfair world. But listen, Son, God is good and God is in control and you just have a window of opportunity where we hurt and we grieve and we choose how we'll respond to suffering.

And I will just tell you that was one of the most profound teachable moments I've ever had with my son. Those whom you love, how will they respond to suffering? Because they're going to get it, right? Someone's going to walk out on them. Someone's going to betray them. Someone's going to talk about them. Someone's going to steal their money. Someone's going to talk about them in church, right? Some of them are going to get cancer. Some drunk driver's going to go left to center. Some of them are going to have a kid that dies prematurely.

So are they prepared? I mean in your spiritual will do you have? Phase number one, I will teach them to suffer well.

Now I'm going to give some real practical ways about how to do that. Before I do I want to ask you a question. How do you respond to suffering? How do you respond to injustice? How are you responding to some things your ex-mate has done to you? How have you responded to losing your retirement? How have you responded to the false accusations that were made about you at work or at church?

How have you responded to a physical infirmity that just seems unfair and no matter what you do you just can't get your health back? Because here's the deal. Here's how life works. A disciple is not above his teacher. And when a disciple is fully trained, Luke 6.40, he'll be just like his teacher. And I would like to say that the way you do this is you learn to suffer well.

I went to this seminar and here's the notes and here's how it works. But I've got news for you. You know how they're going to respond to their suffering? The way they watch you. You cannot impart what you don't possess. Modeling everything we're going to talk about will be the most powerful means of communication.

Because far more is caught than is ever taught. And so I've asked myself, so when I am suffering, do I blame others? Do I whine? Am I the topic of conversations? I'm the victim. It's difficult. He ran out on me.

This guy did this to me. I can't believe this. It's Hollywood's fault. It's education's fault. It's the president's fault. It's Congress' fault.

Well, now it's the Supreme Court's fault. Whine, whine, whine, victim, victim, victim. Is that how you respond? Or is it denial? I'm just not going to think about this. I'm not going to talk about this.

I'm just going to bury it. Or is it anger, bitterness, lashing out? Or is it guilt?

You know, some people respond to suffering. I know I did something terrible. I'm the most terrible person in the world. It's all my fault.

It's the whole cosmos, but it's really all your fault. And then you live with this guilt, and then you pass that on, and your kids or disciples or grandkids or friends, they suffer in the way they watch you. And if you're a whiner, they whine.

If they feel guilty, like watch you, they feel guilty. If you're a blamer and a screamer and a bitterer and a denier, that's what you're going to produce. So as much as we're going to talk about how to pass on the things that matter most, there's going to be a pretty heavy-duty application about asking a pretty gut-level question. It's, boy, I need to suffer well. I need to manage my wealth wisely. I need to work unto the Lord. I need to make great decisions, right?

I need to be what I want them to become. Now, that's sobering, but here's the deal. You can't do it, right? I can't either. It's impossible. But Christ can do it in you, and Christ can do it through you.

Sometimes we listen to these commands of God, and it's like, God, I can't do that. Yay! I mean, I'm thinking now you're on the right track. So I need the strength of your word. I need the community of your people. I need to ask. I need to trust.

I need to take steps. And when you do that, you can, by the power and the grace of God, suffer well. And they will watch that it's not you, but it's the Christ in you empowering you to do that. And that's really what you want to pass on, right? Now, let's get real practical in terms of, okay, I got the theology chip. Now, how does this work?

I mean, roll up the sleeves with me. How do you grow through suffering? Okay, I know I need to do it. I need to pass this on to kids and disciples, to co-workers, church members, men's groups. Okay, how do you do it?

Let me give you four real practical ways. Number one, teach them to face it, to identify what they're concerned about. Teach them to face it.

I mean, it sounds so basic. Help them to identify, and here's the key word, what they're concerned about. We all tend to repress. We all tend to avoid. We all tend to deny things that are difficult. And when we just do, we just push them down. And all the psychologists will tell us as we push down hard things, 95% of all depression is anger turned inward. A lot of our migraines, a lot of our stomach problems, a lot of our health issues are we suffer, and I don't want to face it, and so I push it down.

And that's a pattern. You don't talk about that and things. You don't share anything. In other words, anything you say where you're being honest about where you're struggling, like, hey, no complaining in this house. We're going to be positive around here.

Well, you need to be positive, but you also need to be honest. Help them think about it. Help them talk about it. Help them write it down.

One of the most powerful questions I know, and around our supper table growing up and with my wife on a regular basis, we still do this little exercise. Ask them this question, what are you concerned about? And then, by the way, don't fix it, don't interrupt, and don't tell them that you shouldn't be concerned about that.

Everything's going to be okay. Duh. That's not helpful.

The goal is not that you fix it. What are you concerned about? Oh, nothing.

No, no, just tell me. Say it's one of the kids. They're teenagers. What are you concerned about? I don't know. Well, I mean, you're in football tryouts. Are you concerned you might not make it?

Yeah, maybe. Well, how's it going? Not very good. Well, how come?

I dropped a bunch of passes in practice. Well, how are you feeling about that? Well, this young kid, he's only a freshman, man. He was catching them, and what are you concerned about?

And they shut up. What are you concerned about? What else? What else?

What else? I've grown kids now, and they have little kids, and I'm learning this. There's this new world. I like to hang out with my boys, and I've always been able to kind of talk, and we'd play basketball and do stuff, and then we'd be sweaty, and we'd sit down and talk. Well, now they've got these little kids, and every time I'm around, little kids, little kids. Little kids. You know, I haven't had a meaningful adult conversation with my sons in like a year and a half. I mean, you know, a snippet here, a snippet here, and Teresa and I were talking about this, and so she came up with this plan. I'll have everyone over for dinner, and then, I don't know, it wasn't as well planned as I'm going to make this sound, but the girls were kind of doing the dishes and this and that, and we cleaned things up, and they were in one room, and somehow, me and two of my sons ended up in the kitchen around one of those little counters, and we'd been talking.

It's not like it's always superficial, but I'm kind of one of those language of love guys. I want to know what's really going on, you know, and when we don't get there, I just feel like we're going through the motions, and so it was a simple question. I turned to my oldest son. I said, you know, here in California, moved out here a while. Who's your best friend?

And I mean, his face just changed. He goes, Dad, I don't have a best friend, because I've started this new business. I've got two young kids.

I've got an awesome wife. He said, Dad, I'm working from morning to night. I'm putting in all these hours, and you know, this guy wants to go surfing, and this guy can be kind of spiritual. There's seven different people, but I don't have a guy, and he named two good guys that were real friends, that we can go deep spiritually, that want to go somewhere with their life, that want to be committed to their wife and want to be a good dad. I don't have that guy here, and then we got down to life, and then as we talked a little bit, I said to my other son, who's a pastor, and I said, what's the biggest challenge you're facing right now? And he gave me a little, you know, 25% response, and then his other brother kind of had to leave, and there's dynamics always, I think, forever with brothers, and these guys are close and all that, and as they left, he started to share, and I realized he and I got talking, and they left.

I didn't even say goodbye, and he began for the next hour to unfold the biggest challenges in his heart, his ministry, and for an hour, man, we talked at a level that I haven't talked to him in a year. Teach them to face it and identify what they're concerned about. Second, pray honestly about it, and pray with them.

You need to model this. They can't hear all your good, theologically sanitized, cleaned-up prayers. Oh, Lord, I know that you are in control and that though it's a car wreck and they stole our money and we'll be in the hospital and they canceled our insurance, I just want to tell you, I just praise the Lord. I just want to tell you, Lord, that I know you're in, you know. When's the last time they heard you say, God, I'm ticked off and it's unfair and why, and I, you know, I've met with you and I love you and my priority's in order and this, I don't get it.

I don't get it. When's the last time they heard you pray the way Job prays? Hey, tell you what, Lord, come on, right now, let's argue about it.

Man, I've kept myself pure, right now. Right now, God. Or one of the lament psalms. Why have you forsaken me? Where are you, God? You've been unfaithful. I'm upset.

I'm hurt. I mean, you hear David pray. He says stuff to God.

You know what, he can handle it. You need to vent, I mean reverently. But I'll tell you what, God is near to those who call upon him, Psalm 145, 18. To those who call upon him in truth. And when you hurt, bring the pain.

When you're mad, bring the anger. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit. We play games. We think God doesn't understand what's going on.

You don't connect with him until the real you shows up and you lay it all out. And your disciples or your kids or your grandkids need to hear some prayers like that to know it's legal. And then God spoke to Job, didn't he? And boy, Job got a lot bigger God. And most of David's psalms end with, and yet, oh Lord, when I look back, you've been faithful and I thank you and I praise you and I didn't understand, but I had to share this.

I had to get this out. That's how you learn to suffer well. Hebrews describes Jesus, who in his days on earth, with loud groaning and cries, calling out to God. When's the last time you actually wept in the presence of the Lord?

When's the last time you prayed with someone you cried together? This is very, very important. Third, help them to share where they're suffering with someone they trust. As wonderful as you are, and as wonderful as I am, of course, sometimes you're not the right person to help them.

Sometimes it's an area and it's a concern and they need someone else. And so you need to say, hey, point them to some mentors that are older or wiser. I praise God when my kids were teenagers that there was a youth pastor that was godly that they would tell stuff to him they'd never tell to me. There's times where one of my sons had a mentor in our church and he happened to be a counselor. There were some issues that he was working through. I kind of think I know what some of them might be.

They're the kind you're not really excited to share with your dad. And this guy and he, they'd meet and drink coffee and talk and share and then go surfing. I've watched my daughter with godly women involved in ministry just make connections. What you want to do is help orchestrate what God's doing, but you don't have to do it all. They're all mentors.

Second is peers. And part of that is let them in on your struggles. I was talking with my son who's a songwriter and producer and by God's grace he's become extraordinarily successful and he's now experiencing, oh my lands, this person from American Idol wants to write music for me because she's a Christian, but I'm already booked so I'm working from seven until four and she's going to fly in for two days until two in the morning I'm going to write with her.

Well then this is happening, this is happening. And God, Dad, what do you do when the blessing of God is success? My priorities are getting totally out of whack. I'm exhausted.

I've got to build in some. And when we talked on the phone for 45 minutes about, hey son, been there and done that. Let me just tell you something.

Those great opportunities are not like they're never going to come around again. It's a faith issue. And for people that are wired like you and me, Satan puts the brakes on some people to discourage him and for people like us that I don't think the brakes will work, he just pushes on the gas pedal. And he gets people like you and me so overloaded doing really good things that we crash.

And then I shared some crashes. And then finally there's times where we need to direct them to a pastor or a professional counselor. Everybody gets stuck. And if you've ever been to one, make sure your kids, grandkids, disciples, when I teach on marriage, I always try in the first session to let everybody know in the first year and a half of my marriage, I had to go to marriage counseling.

And then about five years later, I had to go back again. I just want to get that out on the table because somehow they think that if you really love God and you try really hard, well, you never need outside help. You need outside help when you're stuck. I mean, if I'm putting in a window and I know a little bit about putting in windows and I go down to Home Depot and I get this and I get this and I get stuck, I don't go, oh my gosh. Well, I've got to figure this all out myself. I'm going to go down and say, you know, is there someone like with an orange vest that really knows about windows?

Well, buddy, we've told you all that you know. Look, here's the name of Anderson Windows. This guy's a pro.

Have him come out to your house. He's got to fix the thing that you messed up. I try to do windows.

I can't do windows. So am I ashamed to ask an expert to get help when I'm stuck? Of course not. Your kids, your disciples, your grandkids, your friends, they need to know there's a time where, you know, go to a pastor, go to a professional counselor. And then finally, help them align specific scripture with their specific situation.

Now, I'm going to give you some things here, and a lot of them are not in your notes, so I'll try and go slow. This is the key in terms of you want to match what are they going through with truth because it's as you trust the promises of God. That's what faith is, by the way.

And it's by faith we experience God's grace. And suffering, imagine suffering is sort of like this overarching, you know, sort of like rainbow, but underneath of it, there may be four or five, maybe far more. There's different reasons we suffer. And if I suffer for this reason, here's the passage that I want, okay?

Are you tracking with me? So let me give you just four or five examples. First, let's say I have a negative circumstances or a trial. Okay, the economy goes down.

I had money, whether it's in retirement or college education, and it's gone. Here's the passage, James chapter one, verses two to four. Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance. Let endurance have its perfect result that you might be lacking in nothing.

So it's external circumstances. Okay, choose to have this kind of attitude. Realize there's a process God's going to take you through. Or second, how about refining your character?

You know, you haven't done anything wrong. You're suffering, it doesn't make sense, but you sense you're really growing. Romans chapter five, verses one to five. Therefore, having justified by faith, we have peace with God. And we exalt in hope with the glory of God. And we exalt not only in this, but in our what?

Tribulation, knowing that tribulation produces about perseverance and perseverance, proven character. Proven character produces hope, and hope produces love as the Holy Spirit is poured into our life. There's certain times you're suffering because you're so precious in God's eyes that he's allowing a process of drawing you in intimacy and suffering. So you respond in gratitude of God's work.

A third time you suffer his spiritual opposition. I mean, man, you're making tracks for God. You're sharing your faith. You've taken a new step of faith. You're getting in the Bible.

You're taking a risk. You're saying, God, I'm going to do some stuff with my time and my money, and you are doing some things that is exposing the darkness. Well, Ephesians chapter 6, 10 through 18 teaches you how to deal with that kind of difficulty and suffering in spiritual warfare. Or sometimes, what is persecution? You know, you stood up for Christ, and man, you're getting all this flack on a college campus, or you're getting all this flack at work, or you lose your job because, you know, you're a doctor and you won't do the abortion, or you're a legal person and you won't lie about something in a situation. The passage, 2 Timothy 3.12.

The promises for all those who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. And then finally, there's times where you're suffering because, like me, you make some bad choices, right? Or you just sin. You know, you say what you shouldn't have said. You thought what you shouldn't have thought.

You did what you knew was wrong. And then there's consequences. And then you want to go to Romans chapter 6, where it talks about presenting your members, and then 1 Corinthians 10, 13, where no temptation has taken you, but such is common to man. But God will, with the temptation, provide a way of escape that you might be able to endure. So what you want to do is begin to coach the kids, coach the disciple, coach the grandkid, coach the lady, coach the guy. What you want to pass on is, here is suffering.

There's at least five different reasons, maybe more. And here's the promise you can hang on to, and here's the truth to apply, very specifically. Life message, very simple. Suffering is normal. That's what you want them to get. That's the message. When they're suffering, they want to say, oh, this is normal.

It's not fun, but it's normal. It will be experienced by all. It will either make or break those we love, and so teach them to suffer well.

You're listening to Living on the Edge. Chip will be right back with his application for this message, Teach Them to Suffer Well, from his series, Leaving a Legacy that Lasts Forever. The concept of passing on your faith that we're talking about in this series isn't new. Parents from the very beginning were instructed to teach their children about God and his faithfulness, and were expected to build that same godly legacy from generation to generation. The five biblical verses Chip's been teaching are key to living a more Christ-centered, joy-filled life. So whether you're a parent, grandparent, or a mentor, this series will help you connect in meaningful ways with the young people you love. To check out the resource options for Leaving a Legacy that Lasts Forever, go to livingontheedge.org, call 888-333-6003, or click on Special Offers on the Chip Ingram app.

Chip, in this series, we're talking about passing on a godly legacy to the next generation. And for most parents, reading Bible stories to their young children is easy because they're so receptive. But the real struggle comes when those kids get older. The relationship dynamics change, and the tension can build, can't it? Dave, I find that relationships with adult children are ones where there's parents that so want something for their kids that they just keep doing it for them, or there's such frustration when they don't share their values, even some biblical values or biblical morality, that they so want them to change.

It creates incredible tension and conflict. And I don't think we've had a lot of good teaching about how do you move from being the parent that's in control to being the coach as they're growing up to learning how to be a wise consultant to your grown kids who have to make their own decisions and their own consequences. And that means learning how to deal with financial issues, what you should do and what you shouldn't do, when to speak and when not to speak, when to criticize and when to keep your mouth shut, when to say it's a minor issue and you let it pass, and when you have to speak the truth and confront. And so we've gotten more feedback and more requests about navigating life with adult children that I got together with a parenting expert and friend, Jim Burns.

He's the founder and the leader of the ministry called Homeward. And we put together, I think, a course that will really help navigate you through those kind of issues. Few things will cause more long-term conflict than mismanaging finances, helping your kids or trying to control situations that you can't control and the more you do it, it causes conflict. This is a course that I will say everyone ought to go through. It's short, it's interesting and it's helpful. Well, this online video course from Chip and Jim Burns is called How to Navigate Life with Your Adult Children. It's absolutely free and it's available now on either the Chip Ingram app or our website, livingontheedge.org. Because we know that some of the most painful, challenging relationships can be between parents and adult children, this resource gives you practical biblical wisdom for how to successfully navigate this particularly challenging season of life. You can do these six sessions at your own pace, by yourself or with a few friends.

Just go online to livingontheedge.org or tap Special Offers on the app and take your next step toward building healthy relationships with the adult children in your life. Well, now here's Chip with a final thought. As we close today's program, you know, we're talking about coaching your kids or coaching those that you're discipling. We're really going to help people to suffer well. Well, let me tell you something. The number one way you're going to help people suffer well is to model that. And I mean, this is unusual.

I mean, really model it. Paul said in Philippians 1 at the very end of the chapter, For it's been granted to you not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for his sake. Our tradition doesn't have a very good grasp of leaning into and counting as precious, suffering for Christ as a gift back to him and saying, You've suffered for me. I get to believe in you. I get the heavenly reward.

I get your Spirit living in me. But I also get the privilege of suffering with you. And when you suffer with Christ, I hate to say this, but that's probably when the most significant work is going to happen in your life. And it's when your kids and when your friends watch how you go through it that will make the biggest impact on their life.

And I've just kind of gotten it down to when I go through difficult times and I know people are watching me, just like they're watching you, they're either going to see a victim's response or a victor's response. And so many of us have this whiny, Poor me. It's so difficult. Life is so hard.

I don't know why this is happening to me. Oh, you know, I guess I've done something wrong or maybe I haven't done something wrong and this is so unfair. And, you know, we whine and whine and whine. Now, don't get me wrong. I think we need to be honest with our feelings. But you need to get that out of our system and then say, Okay, God, give me the grace.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. You know, we are either a victor or we're a victim. And you get to make that choice. And let me just tell you, model that for your kids. Be the Joseph that says, And the Lord was with Joseph, even in prison, even in betrayal.

Model that by his grace and you will pass on how to suffer well. Thanks, Chip. Let me take just a second and thank the generous people who make monthly donations to support the ministry of Living on the Edge. Your faithful gifts help us inspire Christians to live like Christians. Every gift makes a huge difference. If you haven't partnered with us yet, would you prayerfully consider joining the Living on the Edge team, make a one-time gift, or set up a recurring donation by going to LivingOnTheEdge.org or calling us at 888-333-6003. And, no, we're blessed by whatever the Lord leads you to do. Well, until next time, this is Dave Drouy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. .