Love One Another - How to Connect Deeply with Others, Part 2

Do you long to be connected to other people? Do you find yourself getting real close to them, but you don't know how to break through? Do you feel like there's an invisible wall between you and getting deeply, intimately connected with other believers, but you just don't know why? Well, that's what we're going to talk about today.

Stay with me. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher on this international discipleship program, and I'm Dave Druey.

You know, that invisible wall Chip just mentioned may be very real to you today. Maybe a broken relationship is keeping you away from church, or even relationships in general. We're in Chip's series called Love One Another, looking at a few of the key things that it takes to build and keep healthy relationships. I hope you'll settle in for the next 25 minutes as Chip talks with us about how to do that well. Open your Bible, if you have one, to Romans chapter 12, and let's join Chip now for part two of his message, How to Connect Deeply with Others. What did Jesus say? He said, Love one another.

How? As I've loved you, sacrificially, from the heart, tenderly, as a family. That can't happen if we don't know each other. The clarity is we are members of one another, and now the first command, be devoted to one another. So let me ask you that second question. The first one was, remember, do you feel connected like that? Do you have a sense, that sense of moral responsibility, that sense of from the heart, are you devoted to other believers in brotherly love?

I mean, does it matter how they're doing? Did you feel the moral weight toward other believers like you would someone who's a physical brother or sister, relationally, or to a mom or to a dad or to a niece or to a nephew? See, what I want you to understand, the Bible talks about this supernatural community. He's saying that we each move toward one another in connection, and I need to own the moral weight of saying, if you're not loved, I may not be able to supply it, but I need to be a part of the process of you getting connected and loved. And so then the question is, what is it that keeps you? What is it that keeps me from experiencing this authentic devotion, this supernatural community?

And so with that, follow along, get your pin out if you will, I'm going to make you work a little bit, because what I want to do is just do some things that are very, very simple, but let you know. First, what keeps us from experiencing this authentic devotion to one another? One, it doesn't happen automatically.

It's not magic. God didn't design the body where you just come to church a couple times and all of a sudden, something happens inside. I'm just devoted to everyone in brotherly love.

It doesn't happen that way. In fact, it's so non-automatic that multiple times in the scripture we're commanded, we're reminded to make this the focal point, lest we end up with just some sort of intellectual relationship with God and with others. Notice what it says in 1 Thessalonians 4, 9 and 10. Now about brotherly love, we have no need to write to you, Paul says, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. And in fact, you do love all the brothers throughout Macedonia, yet we urge you brothers to do so more and more.

See, it's not automatic. We all need urging. Second passage, 1 Peter 1, 22 and 23, now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable through the living and enduring word of God.

Do you get the idea? You have the ability, I have the ability because I have a new birth to love people. But there's a command, therefore love one another how?

Superficially, when it's convenient? No, authentically from the heart. Final passage, 2 Peter 1, verses 5 through 7, for this very reason, talks about what we already have in Christ. Make every effort to add to your faith goodness and to your goodness knowledge and to your knowledge self-control and to your self-control perseverance and to your perseverance godliness and to your godliness brotherly love and to brotherly kindness love.

Notice the little word add to, add to, add to. There's certain things God has already done for us, but we cooperate. You see, it's not automatic. Learning to love one another takes real effort, takes real focus, it takes a plan. In fact, number two, what keeps us from experiencing authentic devotion to one another? Number two, it takes time, effort, and intentionality. I mean, I want to let you know up front, it takes time.

The payoff is awesome. It takes effort and it takes real intentionality. I mean, someone's not just going to necessarily, I hope it works this way, and I've heard some good stories like this, but as you walk out of the church, I don't know what the probabilities of someone just stopping you saying, hi, my name's Bob.

I like to have a deep authentic relationship, how about you? You might be a little concerned if someone did it like that. The fact of the matter is it's probably not going to happen quite like that.

It's going to require some intentionality on your part. Well, third reason that we don't experience this kind of authentic devotion to one another is that it is especially difficult for some of us to share at the feeling level. I think there's three reasons.

There's just some of us that this whole emotional side of life period, let alone Christianity, it just makes us nervous. The first reason is because we fear rejection. You know, if you've been in relationships somewhere, along the line somewhere and you've been rejected, what do we all know?

You're just like me. You don't have to reject me much, I'll avoid you, won't you? But to get loved, you have to take risk.

If you never take risk of rejection, what happens? You can be safe and isolated. Second reason that we, some of us, it's hard to relate at the feeling level is we come from poor family backgrounds. You know, when I say the family of God, and for some people even when I say God is your father, you think, yuck. If he's anything like my dad, and it's implanted in your mind and it's hard and there's emotional barriers and blocks and it's just hard for you to say, you know, it's hard.

I understand that. Recognize that as the barrier though, rather than unconsciously not know why and pull back from people. Third reason, it's hard to relate emotionally, is we've had negative church experiences. You know, some of the things I'm talking about, if you've been in a church situation somewhere sometime in the past and they talked about loving each other and you got set up and you got burned, you got a little light that's going off, a little antenna that's up like this thinking, not going to happen to me here. Right? Summary, if you have a hard time at the feeling level, recognize these barriers but don't let these barriers keep you from taking the risk to get loved.

Okay? Don't let them hold you back. Fourth reason we don't experience authentic devotion to one another is personal unresolved anger and bitterness. I don't know if you realize it but people who have real anger and bitterness in their heart, they're not a lot of fun to be around. You see, if you have unresolved anger, whether it's toward an ex-mate, family member, a boss, a situation and you have unresolved personal issues of anger and bitterness, you are not a fun person to be around and we will probably not get it. We will figure out ways. That's your defense mechanism to keep people away and we want you to know it works.

So maybe what you need to do is find out why you're angry, ask God to help you and get some help. The fifth reason that we don't experience authentic relationship, this devotion to one another is excessive preoccupation with ourselves. I remember a good friend. He said he spent a number of years here mad at everyone because they were all a bunch of cliques. And he said he tried to break into groups and they were all a bunch of cliques and he was really hacked off. So then he went on a trip with a team. He came back and he said I was a clique too. I just didn't realize it. I was a one person clique.

He said my focus was always on me. Why don't they invite me? Why don't they do this?

Why don't they do this? He was just, what honesty? Incredible honesty. And he said on that trip I realized I'm not going to be a clique anymore. I'm going to ask what's going on in their lives. And he came back and he said I experienced more love on that trip and it began with I got my focus off me. Number six, failure to recognize our limitations and personal capacities in relationships.

This is the other side. Some people don't experience authentic family love because they're focused on themselves. Some people don't experience authentic family love in the body because they don't know they have limitations and they don't know their capacities and so anybody who asks them to do anything they always say yes. And they've got 19,000 superficial relationships. They're tired.

The church wears them out. They're doing this. They're doing this. They're doing this.

They're doing this. They have no deep relationships and they don't feel connected. They look connected. They're not connected. Their hearts shriveled up inside. No one really knows what's going on.

You know why? They don't know their limitations and they don't know their capacities. Some of you can handle five deep relationships, some two. Some maybe one or two, some 15. We're all different.

Figure out yours. But I'll tell you what, it's better to have two or three great deep relationships than 20 or 30 acquaintances. When you're in a jam, when your heart hurts, 20 acquaintances don't do you any good.

Two friends do. Final reason why we don't experience this authentic love for one another in God's family is idealistic, unrealistic expectations. You know what that means? They're going to let you down. It means that in great relationships you do what?

Work through conflict. You have misunderstandings. People just flat drop the ball. They say they're going to call back. They don't. They promise you this.

They don't. Kind of like what I've done now and then. You know what happens? You take a risk.

You combine a few of these. You have a little rejection over here, a negative family background here. You have enough fears over here and you step out over here. You have these idealistic expectations and you try it and you'll see, see, it doesn't work.

It doesn't work. I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I knew I shouldn't have tried. No, no, no, no, no, no. You just need to get realistic. You need to move slowly. You need to trust God and you need to let Him work and you need to realize that as I learned even as a seven year old, my best friend growing up was my best friend after he put a worm in my brand new felt cowboy hat and we went to blows in the rain, rolling in the grass and I punched him in the face as hard as I could.

It did seem to have little impact. He sat on me and I could not get up and we were best friends ever since. Some of the greatest friendships you'll ever have is working through a disagreement, a conflict. It's part of the process. Now, let me give you another seven ways that you can develop deep, family, godly, devoted to one another relationships. I'm just going to run through them but this is where I want you to shift from I'm listening, I'm evaluating, I want you to shift gears and I want you to put your little hat on that says, you know God, if you would want me to get closer connected, I'm open to that. I'm a little fearful but I'm open to it. So as I walk through these seven things, specific ways to get involved, to get connected so that you can start to give love and receive it, just keep your heart open.

Ready? First, honestly evaluate your level of connectedness and just be honest. Mildly, moderately, deeply connected.

Choose one. Second, identify the top two factors that are keeping you from building warmer, deeper, family relationships. Number three, prayerfully determine which subgroup you might feel most comfortable. See, the fact of the matter is, is there's a low probability that you're going to go from being in a worship service to best friends with someone.

You know what I mean? Fourth, prayerfully decide on a specific time, event or activity that would allow you to take the next step toward devotion and connection and if possible, ask someone you know to go with you, wherever it would be. Choose the time, the event, make a pre-decision and then go for it. Five, join a growth group or ministry team for a specified limited time. Notice how I'm going to get you out of that. Six weeks, eight weeks, for that time and at the end of that time, no one will say, oh why are you quitting? You're not quitting. You've fulfilled your commitment. Way to go. No guilt. If you like it, we'll let you sign up again.

You're in. Six, be friendly even if it doesn't come naturally. What can I say? There's an amazing thing.

Try putting a smile on your face, reaching out to someone and saying hi. Amazing things have happened. Finally, seven, ask God to let you find someone who feels less connected than you this week and love them and when you do, something magic happens. The Spirit of God shows up. What did Jesus say? Love one another.

How? Even as I have loved you. Question number one, do you want that kind of love? Join the family. If you're here tonight and you're not a believer in Jesus Christ, you can be loved. You can be a part of God's family. Secondly, do you want to experience more of God's love if you're already part of the family? Then be devoted to one another in a specific tangible way beginning this week and God will show up.

With question number one, the one Chip just asked about wanting that kind of love is the one you're still thinking about? I want you to know we'd love to help you make your commitment to Jesus and become part of God's family. You can reach us at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003. We'd love to talk with you and also get a free resource in your hands that'll help you take a few next steps as a new believer. If you'd rather, go to the New Believers tab on our website, livingontheedge.org, or tap Special Offers on the app where you'll find that same resource.

I hope you'll give us a call today. Now here's Chip with a quick thought. I'll be right back in just a minute with some practical application to today's message. As we went through this message, it reminded me of a great quote by one of my mentors, Prof Howard Hendricks. He would always say, you cannot impart what you do not possess. In other words, if you're not experiencing God's love, God's forgiveness, God's life, you can't impart that to someone else. Let me ask you just before we move on in today's program, who is God asking you to love right now that it feels impossible? Or to be maybe a little bit more honest, you don't want to.

We all get there. You know their name. In fact, they might even be married to them or they're in your family or someone at work.

You know God wants you to love them. And either you can't or you don't want to. Well, you have to receive God's love and God's power.

How does that work? Well, what we know is that obviously it comes by the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit uses the raw material of God's Word. And so being in God's Word, even when you don't feel like it, is critical. But what I find is so many people, they'll read something in the Bible, close the Bible, and 20 minutes later, they couldn't tell you even what they read, let alone apply it. One of the tools that has been most helpful for me and those that I know who walk closely with God is they have a journal that is open and as they read God's Word, they write in their journal, this is what God is saying to me from this passage. This is what I'm going to do today.

I often put a little box next to mine so that when I do it, I come back and check that box. Here's what I want you to know. You can't impart what you don't possess. You need to experience God's love. And I don't mean just emotional. I mean you need to experience His truth going into your heart, in your life, renewing your mind, and as you interact with His Word, and as you get a pen out and actually write some things down, what you're going to see is He's going to speak to you in ways that will empower you to then love others. We put together a tool. It's a beautiful 200-page journal with some helps inside of it that will help you experience God's love in a deeper way.

If you think that would be helpful, let me encourage you to get that and try it out. Well, it's easy to be excited about our new prayer journals because they're so well done. They're beautifully bound in a couple of different colors with embossed gold or silver trimmings, and inside it's even better. Chip's given you a few of his journaling tips, there's a dedication page if you want to send it as a gift, and there's tons of room for you to do your own personal journaling. For a limited time, our brand new prayer journals are discounted, so I hope you'll check them out today. You'll find all the details at livingontheedge.org.

App listeners will find them when you tap special offers, and for more information, just give us a call at 888-333-6003. Well now here's Chip with a final thought. It's amazing, isn't it? God has made you and He's made me to be deeply connected with one another. You notice I gave some very practical, specific steps about how to do that. And so as I close, if you have a pen or a pencil, why don't you grab it if you can, and let me walk through those steps again.

I know I went pretty quickly. And as you listen, I want you to listen for what specific step could you take this week to make a real difference in your life. Number one, evaluate your present level of connectedness in God's family. Whether you're involved in a church or a parachurch or a small group, on a scale of one to ten, ask yourself, how connected am I? Second, identify the top factor in keeping you from warmer, deeper biblical relationships.

I went through them in the message. Now think back. Is it the fear of rejection? Is it the fear of taking risks? Is it a former bad church experience?

I don't know what it is, but identify it. You can't cope with it and move through it until you identify what keeps you from going deeper. Third, prayerfully determine what small group of believers you are going to get involved with. Where would you feel most comfortable? You've got to identify it this week and say to yourself, you know, I'm going to go to that midweek thing or I'm going to join one of those small groups at the church or one of the men's groups or women's groups or couples groups, but you have to identify what the next step is going to look like. Fourth, are you ready? This week, decide on a specific time or event or activity that will cause you to take the next step.

And you know what? If you need to, ask someone to go with you and then go and try it for six weeks. Don't try once and say, oh, that wasn't a good experience. For six weeks, go to that small group or that midweek or that activity and say, Lord, I'm going to be here for six weeks.

I want to get connected. Help me. Fifth, be friendly, even if it doesn't come naturally.

I mean, try it, like smile, stretch out your hand. Even if you're an introvert, reach out, step out, be friendly to people. You'll be amazed at the response. And then finally, and this is the kicker, walk around this week and see if you can't find one person that looks more lonely, more lost, more disconnected than you and see if you couldn't help them get connected. And what you'll find is an amazing thing happens to them and to you.

God bless you, and go for it. You know, a great way to stay engaged and connected to Chip and Living on the Edge is with the Chip Ingram app. You'll get free access to all of Chip's recent messages, his message notes, and much more. Not only that, but it couldn't be easier to call or email directly from the app. Well, for Chip and everyone here, this is Dave Drewy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.